Blood Minus
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Didn't you ever wish the episodes of Blood Plus were funnier? No? Well, too bad! Say hello to every single episode of this wonderful series, taken and completely messed with for comedic effect. Finally COMPLETE! Read and enjoy! Also review, please!
1. Episode 1: First Kiss

Author's Note: Alright! After screwing with the entire 26-episode series of Escaflowne (and the movie, too), I've decided to move onto my next victim- er, I mean blessed and fortunate choice: Blood +! I really do enjoy this anime and you know what _that_ means! I get to make fun of it! _Whee_! Expect lots of goofs and swearing, mostly. Oh, and of course I messed with the name and called it Blood Minus instead of Blood Plus. Hope you like it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +. Just Blood -.

Blood -

Episode 1

First Kiss

Far away in Vietnam, a ruthless slaughter was taking place. People were cut down mercilessly left and right by a blood-covered young girl with a slashing sword. Blood spurted, screams rang in the air, and Adult Swim made a _huge_ mistake not putting a content-warning message up before airing the first episode.

-Five Minutes Earlier-

"Sir, are you _sure_ about not putting up a content-warning message before we air this show?" An Adult-Swim executive nervously asked his superior.

"Wouldja shut up?" The superior scoffed. "I'm trying to watch Rock of Love. Those girls are _hot_. Plus, who the hell cares? Cuz I sure don't." He noisily slurped at his coffee and continued ogling the drunk, desperate women.

And so the first episode of Blood +, or should I say, Blood -, was aired, infuriating mothers everywhere who caught sight of it.

"What the…oh…oh GOD!" One mother gasped whilst sitting up with her teenaged child that night. "What the hell IS this?! You said this was age appropriate!" She pulled off her belt and went for the kid.

"No, mommy, wait!" The child begged piteously. "It's not my fault, I swear!"

"No more Adult Swim for you, EVER!"

_Smack_!

Okay, seriously, enough of that. Let's get back to the story.

-Present Day-

Saya leaned over, panting for breath and reading herself for the big jump ahead. Her friend, Kaori, stood at the side-lines, cheering her on. Saya glanced up at the distant high-jump and grinned.

"Hitomi Kanzaki, here I come!" She giggled.

"Dude, Saya," Kaori stated. "_No-one's_ gonna get that joke. Escaflowne was, like, ten years ago. _Seriously_." Saya blushed deeply.

"Outta my way, bitch, and let me jump!" She snapped. Saya rushed forward, heading toward the high-jump at an angle, when suddenly she tripped over her own feet, fell, and cracked her forehead on the stick laying across the poles.

"Wow!" Kaori gasped, clapping her hands as Saya fell face-first with a thud onto the mat. "You almost got to the _jumping_ part before you fell, Saya! Good job! What an improvement!" When Saya didn't respond with a scathing insult, Kaori became concerned and ran over. "You okay, Saya?"

"Oh, yes. Just dandy." Saya answered mildly, face planted firmly in the blue mat. "Just got a cracked skull and sprained ankle. But I'll feel better if you come over and lay seductively on me for no apparent reason."

"Sure!" Kaori smiled and happily obliged. Men everywhere cheered and whistled.

Later, the two girls took a break from track and field (and the lezzing out) to go eat a snack. Saya and Kaori sat under a tree in the schoolyard, the former stuffing her face like it was her last meal on earth.

"Whoa! Slow down, ya porker!" Kaori laughed.

"Shut up! I'm hungry!" Saya barked around her meal.

"How can you eat all that food and never gain any weight?" Kaori asked.

"Cuz I throw it up right after, DUH!" Saya answered, never slowing down.

"Oh, right." Kaori nodded. "And here I am, thinking anorexia was the way to go. Silly me. Now, if you don't mind, I'll glomp you for some random reason."

"Mmkay." Saya continued eating as Kaori knocked her over in a violent hug.

_Glomp_!

The two girls lay together on the ground, until suddenly a whistling sound rang through the air, and a rather large plane flew over the school.

"Whoa! What the hell's that?" Saya asked in awe.

"That's a bomber, Saya," Kaori explained. "They fly over the school because there's a military base near here."

"_What_?!" Saya had stopped listening after hearing the word 'bomb'. She was young, and not ready to die yet. "Good God, hide! They'll bomb us into oblivion!" She tore out of Kaori's grasp and threw herself into some nearby bushes, where she huddled and shivered in fear.

"Wait, Saya!" Kaori called after her. "We have to casually inform the audience about your amnesia!"

"Of _course_ I have amnesia!" Saya retorted, poking her head out of the bushes. "I'm the main character! It's almost a _requirement_!"

"Saya!" A voice called. "Hurry your butt up! I'll give you a ride home!"

"Hey, it's Kai!" Kaori pointed out the red-haired boy waving at them.

"Uh, huh," Saya responded blankly, shoving the last bits of her meal into her mouth.

"You know," Kaori went on, "a lot of girls are after him."

"_HUURGH_!" Saya just barely managed to keep her food down. "Dude, I'm trying to _eat_ here!!"

"Sorry," Kaori said sheepishly. She leaned forward and picked off a crumb from Saya's face, then ate it quietly.

"Will you two stop _lezzing_ out over there?!" Kai hollered impatiently. "Come on, we gotta go!"

"CAN IT!" Saya roared back, chucking her lunchbox at Kai's head. "I _said_ I was coming!"

-Later-

Saya was perched on the back of Kai's crappy motorcycle, and the two were traveling on the highway by the sea on their way home. The ocean beside them glittered prettily, sparkling in the sun as gulls swooped around and lovely piano music played. It was all so peaceful, so magical-

_Wheee-ooop_!

Kai was forced to screech to a halt as a police officer pulled him over.

"Son," the cop asked in a serious tone of voice as he sauntered up, "do you have any idea how long that montage was?"

"I don't know…" Kai muttered. "Like…two minutes?"

"THREE minutes," the cop corrected. "Now, I'm letting you off with a warning this time, but the next time I see you driving around with music and sparklies, you're getting' the ticket. We clear?"

"Crystal," Kai sighed, taking the written warning. The cop winked at Saya (who gagged) before finally leaving.

-Elsewhere-

In an important-looking office somewhere in that same town, an important-looking Frenchman was having an important-sounding conversation with an important-looking military general.

"We _have_ to find zhat mouse!" The Frenchman said firmly. He paused for a moment, then held up a small mouse cage. "It'z almost time for hiz _lunch_!"

"Okay, why do we _have_ to look for his stupid pet rodent?" The military general asked in annoyance. "And if you didn't know, frenchie, we're speaking figuratively, not literally. 'Mouse' is just a code-word we use."

"Oh." The Frenchman blinked and shifted awkwardly. "So zhen…no mouse?"

"NO."

-At the Hospital-

Saya lay on an uncomfortable hospital cot, watching the blood from the IV drip slowly into the tube that led into her arm. Gross. I hate hospitals.

"Hey sweetie, how you feeling?" A beautiful and astonishingly well-endowed doctor asked, coming up next to Saya's bed.

"Oh, hey, Julia," Saya replied pleasantly. "I- _enormous boobs_!"

"…What?" Julia asked, adjusting her glasses.

"Nothing." Saya shrugged. "_Boobs_. I mean…_huge cleavage_. No! I didn't mean to say that! _Indecent exposure_. Gaah!" Saya clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from spitting out any more comments about Julia's large chest. The lovely doctor narrowed her eyes and began turning away. Saya couldn't contain herself and the comments burst out. "_Mmmph_! DAMN, look at those _titties_!"

"Okay, we're done here! Get out!" Julia tossed her out the Hospital doors. Saya sighed and picked herself up. That always happened when she saw Julia's copious bosom. She just couldn't help herself! She dusted her skirt off and began the long trek home.

Halfway there she stopped as she saw a small crowd gathered around an emo-looking young man playing a cello. She closed her eyes and listened to the swirling melody, letting her mind wander, until…

"WAIT!" She cried aloud, causing the cello-guy to stop playing and the crowd to stare at her in astonishment. "…Do you know 'Superstitious', by Stevie Wonder?"

-At Saya's Home-

Outside of Saya's house, her father, George, and little brother were in the middle of a fun game of catch in an abandoned lot.

"Here, connect your wrist to your shoulder, like this!" The father tried to coach, pulling back and throwing the ball to his son. It shot like an arrow and cracked the kid right between the eyes, making him collapse like a sack of potatoes. "Oh, EFF."

The boy tottered up, blood running from his forehead, and threw the ball back with a girly grunt. It didn't go more than two feet.

"God help me." George gave up, throwing his glove down onto the ground. His son was such a pansy. What the heck was he ever going to do with-

"Um…hey." Saya interrupted his thoughts, appearing in the lot. "I'm back."

"Saya?" Her father's head jerked up in hope. "Oh, thank goodness! Quick, show Riku how to not throw like a girl!"

"I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered…" Saya wondered to herself. After a few minutes of coaching (and no improvement with Riku's wussiness), the family retired to the house. Saya placed her bag on the table and began rummaging through it. Suddenly, she gasped.

"Oh, _fudge_! I forgot my weed at school!" She swore. George and Riku stared at her. "Er…I mean, my _shoes_! I forgot my _shoes_ at school! Whoopsies! I'd better go get it, uh, _them_! Later!" She rushed toward the door.

"Don't fall and break a leg, sis!" Riku called after her jokingly.

"I'll break _your_ leg!" Saya shot back, slamming the door open and freezing as it hit something solid. A very gaunt and thin blond man in a suit staggered backward, clutching his bloody nose. "Eeek! Dad, there's a starving hobo out here! Quick, Riku! Gimme the broom so I can beat him off!"

"Oh, let him in," George laughed. "That's just David."

"Don't make me shoot you all," David growled dangerously, fingering his gun. "Hurry and go get your damn drugs, girl!" Saya made a face at him, then hurried past. David entered the house and handed George an envelope. "Here's your pay."

"What are you, my pimp?" George muttered, snatching the packet away.

"Hey, _you're_ the man-whore, not me," David grumbled.

"I need the money!" George retorted hotly. "It's not my fault I'm so damn _sexy_!"

"…I think I'll go into the other room and hang myself," Riku stated quietly as the two men continued to argue.

-At the School-

"Damn, the school's closed!" Saya cursed, peeking in at the front gate with no luck. "Oh, well. I'll just use my convenient burglary skills to sneak in unnoticed. Shh!" She raised a finger to her lips and winked at the audience. She quickly took out a hook n' wire thingamajig, and used it to climb over the fence. Once inside, she snuck past the lone guard and approached the tree she'd eaten her lunch under, looking for her we- uh, shoes.

_Snap_.

Saya gasped and whirled around to see the same emo-looking cello-playing young man from earlier.

"Hey, you're that guy who wouldn't play Stevie Wonder!" Saya cried. "Are you stalking me or something?" The man stepped closer. "Hey, I'm warning you!" Another step. "I'll _mace_ your ass, man!" She pulled out a can of pepper spray and pointed it at him menacingly. At least it _would_ have been if it was pointed in the right direction. "How the hell does this thing work, again?" The man stepped even closer, towering over Saya and staring at her with eyes that seemed to bore into her very soul.

"…Have you accepted Jehovah almighty as your one and only savior?" He asked in a low, dangerous whisper.

"Wh…what?" Saya stuttered.

"Would you like a pamphlet?" The man asked. "I also have bibles-"

"No! Go away!" Saya screamed, frightened.

The man pulled out a knife, which glistened in the moonlight.

"I'll take both," Saya said sweetly. The man ignored this, approaching her with the dagger. Saya said a mental "_Bleep_ it" and ran like hell. Almost instantly she collided with the lone guard she'd snuck by and screamed like the teenage girl she was. The man also screamed, in exactly the same way. There was an awkward silence between them.

"Well, _that_ was weird," Saya commented.

"_I'll_ say!" The guard agreed. "Something tells me I've got about ten more seconds to live!" He took out a flashlight and checked the tree for any signs of the Jehovah witness Saya warned him about, but found nothing.

"He was there, I swear!" Saya insisted, peeking out from behind a column. "Be sure to check really good!" The guard sighed and went to the tree again.

A huge hand shot down from the tree and grabbed the guard, yanking him up into the branches. A few moments later the guard fell back down, covered in blood and nearly ripped apart. Saya stared at his dead body for several long minutes.

"…Hey, man, you okay?" She finally asked.

_Thud_!

Saya looked up as a huge monster dropped from the tree and growled at her.

"Aaaah!" Saya cried and backed away. "It's a rabid, hairless gorilla-thing! RUN!" She turned and fled as the creature roared after her.

-Elsewhere, at the Same Time-

"Sir, we've found the 'mouse'!" A soldier reported to the Frenchman.

"Oh, you found Zherry?" He clapped his hands with delight and held up a running-wheel thing. "I zhust bought him a new treadmill!"

"Sir, we've been _over_ this already!" The soldier growled.

At Saya's house, Kaori had arrived to return Saya's w- SHOES!

"Oh, snap!" George laughed. "She's already at the school. Ain't that a bitch?"

"I hope she doesn't run into any legendary and powerfully evil creatures…" Kaori whimpered in worry.

"Oh, don't sweat it!" George assured her. "Remember, Saya's the main character! She'll be fine!"

-Back With Saya-

Saya was _not_ fine. She had a legendary and powerfully evil creature right at her heels. She ran into the school building and quickly slammed the GLASS doors closed, then turned the TINY lock for good measure.

"Hah! Try and break through _that_, gorilla!" Saya cried triumphantly. The creature ground to a stop in front of the doors and glared through the glass at Saya. Then it slowly lifted its claw and held up…

A _key_.

"Oh, SHIT." Saya whispered. Then the now unlocked door slammed open and glass flew everywhere, a piece slicing Saya's upper leg. She gasped in pain and limped away into the hall, desperate to escape the surprisingly resourceful evil creature. Too bad she ran into another one- the cello-man!

"Not you again!" Saya yelled at him, clutching her wound. "I told you already, I don't want any of your G.D. pamphlets! So leave me alone!"

Once again he drew his knife.

"That's _not_ gonna change my mind this time!" Saya said firmly. Then the man threw the knife and nailed the gorilla-creature in the hand, making it stagger away from Saya, who'd totally forgotten about it till then. "But THAT will!" Saya finished. "Praise Jesus! Halleluiah!"

The man ignored the religious praises and scooped Saya up into his arms. She immediately responded appropriately.

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE_!" She shrieked at the top of her voice, beating at his head and struggling mightily.

"I'm _saving_ you!" The man snarled.

"Oh." Saya blinked and instead whispered, "_Unwanted physical contaaaact_!" The two hurried into an empty lab room and hid. "What was that thing?" Saya asked the strange man. "A pit-bull on crack?"

"A chiropteran," the man answered.

"The fudge is that?"

The man ignored her, instead taking out a sheathed sword and displaying his right hand, which was grotesquely mutated and misshapen.

"Eww, _gross_, dude!" Saya gagged. "What is that, a transplant gone wrong or something? Seriously, you should get that checked out. I know a doctor with huge breasts who-"

The man, meanwhile, had cut open the mutated hand and raised it toward Saya's face, as if wanting her to drink the blood welling from the wound.

"No, no!" Saya protested, shoving the hand away and starting to run for the door. It burst open, and the chiropteran charged in. "Yes, yes!" Saya whirled around and flung herself back towards the man. He tackled her to the floor, put some of his blood in his mouth, then kissed her to transfer it to her mouth (y'know, you coulda just put your hand to her face, _pervert_).

"Saya!" Kai appeared in the doorway, unknowingly ruining the moment and swinging a flashlight around. The beam of light fell on Saya and the man kissing. "Er…you guys want me to come back later or something?" Kai asked awkwardly. A roar caused him to jerk the flashlight up and notice the ten-foot monster not three feet away from him. "Whoa! What is this, a three-way?"

As the strange man kissed her and the blood ran down her throat, Saya began receiving flashbacks of her past, mostly of the grisly opening scene that caused so much trouble with Adult Swim.

"Agh! No!" Saya cried out as the visions came. "I don't wanna be like Hitomi Kanzaki! Help!"

"Saya, we've been _through_ this before," the strange man said patiently. "_No-one's_ going to get that joke. And what do you know, the episode ends here so I don't have time to explain it either. Bye!"

-Episode 1 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, _that_ was fun! If you hadn't noticed, I'm following the English dubbed version on Adult Swim (I watch it then and jot down notes and jokes) and that's why there were all those references and the Frenchman talks funny. If people like it, I'll surely continue this series. Review if you did! Later!


	2. Episode 2: Magical Incantation

Author's Note: Well, the people have spoken, and apparently they want _more_ butchering of the beloved Blood + series. So who am I to refuse? Here's the next of the bunch. I'll have to say I'll update about every two weeks, but I'll probably update about once a week, if I'm lucky and have the time. Two weeks is just my safety, since the school year is starting to wind down and I'll have more assignments from my professors. I'm glad that you all like this series! Thanks! Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 2

Magical Incantation

"Alright," the strange man said once he pulled away from Saya. "_Now_ I can explain to the audience about the Hitomi jokes." He arose and faced the camera. "You see, Hitomi Kanzaki, from the anime 'Escaflowne', is a young girl on the track team who is plagued by horribly violent visions, and-"

"We don't have time for that!" Saya interrupted, shoving him aside. "Kai is in trouble!"

Indeed, he was. The chiropteran had turned from Saya and the mysterious stranger and was closing in on the normal human brother with absolutely no super powers and therefore no chance of surviving an attack, roaring hungrily. It raised its arm to strike at Kai, who screamed like a girl scout and flinched away. After several long seconds of tense waiting, he cracked open an eye and peeked at the monster.

"Psych! Ha ha!" The chiropteran chuckled cruelly. "You really thought I was going to mercilessly disembowel you and eat your innards! You shoulda seen the look on your face! You just got _punk'd!_" Kai gaped at the monster for a moment, then whipped his flashlight at its head.

"That wasn't funny!"

"Saya, that monster…" the strange man whispered in her ear, "…just called you…_flat-chest_."

"WHAT?!" Saya roared, enraged. Her eyes immediately turned blood red and she snatched the sword from the strange man's grasp. "I'll have you know my bust-size is average! _Average_!"

"Oh, _eff_." The chiropteran had noticed Saya's rage and knew it had about ten more seconds to live. Oh, the irony.

"I haven't been taking Tai-bo classes for nothing!" Saya hissed, unsheathing the blade. "Thanks, Billy Blanks!" Slicing a finger on the blade's razor edge, she charged the creature and began shearing through it with one long, immensely drawn-out swing. "Haaaaa- hey, you're pretty fat, huh? Yaaaaaaah!" Finally she cut through the entire creature, sending the top half flying while the bottom half stood there stupidly, like it didn't have a head or something. Oh, yeah, wait. It doesn't. Never mind.

Blood spurted up in a geyser for the severed torso of the monster, drenching Saya in the crimson liquid.

"Well, _that's_ lovely," she growled in disgust.

"I have to say," the stranger commented, "all that red blood _really_ brings out the highlights in your hair, and makes your pale skin stand out beautifully!"

"Will you tell me who you _are_ already?!" Saya demanded. At her feet, the top half of the chiropteran crystallized, becoming hard and brittle, like, well, crystals.

"Hey, Saya," Kai said as he ran up to her side, "just wanted to say that I _totally_ could have taken care of that thing if I wanted to, and- why do you look like you've committed double homicide?"

"Why do you think?!" Saya retorted. "I'm the main character, of _course_ I'm covered in blood after the first episode! It's like a-"

"Yeah, yeah, a requirement," Kai interrupted impatiently. "Now let's go home."

"Alright," Saya sighed, then glanced at the strange man. "Heel, boy!"

"Woof, woof!" The stranger panted and trotted to Saya's side like a faithful puppy. Suddenly, the churning of helicopter blades could be heard, and a searchlight swept over the windows.

"Oh, _bleep_s!" Kai cursed, ducking out of the beam's way. "It's the cops! You guys gotta hide me! I got _warrants_!" He dashed off down the hall, and Saya, after rolling her eyes, followed soon after with the stranger.

Once the main characters had beat a hasty retreat, the helicopter hovered over the school grounds and dropped off several soldiers in SWAT uniforms, who snuck into the building toting firearms. They peeked into every classroom, glancing around for anything suspicious.

"Ha, ha!" One soldier chuckled as he glanced at a paper. "This kid got a D! What a _dumbass_!"

"Get back to work, Johnson!" The superior of the group snapped.

"Yes, sir." The solider put down Kai's paper and went back to scouting the area.

-Elsewhere-

"A _school_?" The Frenchman asked, raising his French eyebrow. "Vhat vould Zherry want to go to a school for, he's a _mouse_!"

"Maybe it wanted to learn long division- I don't _know_!" The important-looking General scowled. Once again the two important-looking men were having an important-sounding conversation. "We just know the 'mouse' is there, and we're looking for it now."

"Sir, the 'mouse' is dead," a soldier reported over the radio. The SWAT team had found the crystallized chiropteran in the science lab. The Frenchman gasped, eyes widening and filling with tears.

"Zherry?" He whispered. "_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!"

"They don't pay me enough for this…" The important-looking General sighed, rubbing his temples.

A short ways from the school, Saya, Kai, and the strange man were on their way home. Halfway there, Saya fainted for no apparent reason, and the stranger mysteriously disappeared, leaving Kai having to haul her ass the rest of the way home by himself.

"Gaah! So…damn…_heavy_!" Kai gasped, heaving Saya into his arms and staggering down the street.

"Hmm…I don't know why…" Saya thought as she dreamed, "but I think I'll kick Kai's butt when I wake up…"

-Later, at the Hospital-

Saya lay, safe and sound, in a white hospital bed, Kai sitting on a stool at her side, and Julia rummaging around with a few doctory things in the background.

"Kai," Julia asked, turning around, "how does my chest look with this new push-up bra?"

"Um, big?"

"Hey, Julia!" George banged open the nearby door and barged in, a parcel in his hand. "You corrupting my innocent children with your socially indecent clothing again? Of _course_ you are!" He went on before she could answer. "How's Saya?"

"She's fine," Kai answered from his seat. "She's asleep now, and- is that a hickey on your neck?"

"What? No!" George quickly clapped a hand over the mark on his neck and looked flustered. "You should be grateful that I get food on the table, boy, and not question how it gets there!" Kai made a face and smartly chose to shut up.

"He carried Saya in," Julia told George, "who was soaked in blood!"

"_Really_?!" George gasped, eyes alight with interest. "You…you mean daddy's little girl finally _killed_ someone today?! I'm so…_proud_!" He leapt toward Saya and hugged her unconscious body. "Who's a good main character? You are! You are!"

"Dad, stop it!" Kai shouted.

"I'll dispose of her uniform," Julia said with an air of disgust, picking up Saya's blood-drenched clothes with only her thumb and forefinger.

"You kiddin' me?!" George snatched the clothes away, hugging them tightly against his body. "We're mountin' this bitch on the _wall_! And there'll be a gold plaque under it that says, "Saya, my precious daughter who slaughtered someone!". Ooh, just wait until I tell the guys at work! They'll be so jealous!"

"You need help, dad…" Kai sighed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to beat my head against the wall because of my shameful uselessness."

"Alright, have fun!" George waved him away. "It won't make you any dumber, anyway!"

-The Next Day-

Riku stood at the stove, a pink, flowery apron wrapped around his front and a spatula in his hands, in the middle of cooking breakfast. Or planning world domination. You never know with that kid. Suddenly Kai burst into the room, a red fire extinguisher clutched in his hands.

"Oh, GOD! What's burning?!" He demanded, pointing the nozzle straight at Riku. "I'll save you, Riku!"

"Kai, d-" Riku started to protest before Kai hit the switch and sprayed him and the stove with white cream. "…Everything was fine, Kai."

"Oh, well." Kai shrugged and dropped the extinguisher. "With your cooking, it'll be an improvement. You can always say it's whipped cream. Now let's see what's on the tube." He snatched up the remote and flicked the television on. A female reporter stood before their school, obviously giving a…report of some kind.

"Last night," the reporter reported, "an assailant, named Pat Mah' Groin, was arrested at the school." The picture of a poorly-drawn stick-figure man appeared on screen, supposedly meant to be this Mah' Groin character.

"_What_?!" Kai barked, outraged. "That doesn't even look _anything_ like the hairless gorilla monster I saw last night! Who are they trying to fool?"

"The assailant broke into the school late last night," the reporter went on, "killed one of the teachers, and…_ate_ him. _Alive_." She paused. "They…they do that sometimes. It's perfectly believable."

"Wow…that's serious," Riku commented. "What do you think, Kai?" He looked at his brother.

"I bet school will be canceled!" Kai said with excitement. "_Sweeet_!"

"Get to school, Kai!" Riku said firmly.

"You suck!"

-Later, at the School-

Kai stood before the school, glaring at the building of learning. School SO should have been canceled, I mean, someone died in it the night before! Didn't that violate some sort of health code or something? It certainly seemed to constitute-

Suddenly arms shot out of nowhere, wrapping around his neck like a boa constrictor suffocating its prey.

"Aaaaugh! Hi-_yaaaah_!" Kai let his instincts kick in and grabbed the offending arms, twisting the attacker up, over his head and slamming them into the pavement in front of him.

"Gyaaagh! What the hell are you doing, Kai?!" An attractive young girl in school uniform gasped out.

"Oh, it's just you," Kai muttered, then glanced at the camera. "This is my crazy psycho girlfriend, Mao."

"Aren't you sorry?!" Mao demanded from the ground.

"…No, not really," Kai answered truthfully.

"Remind me why I go out with you!" Mao growled, picking herself up from the crater she'd created and dusting her skirt off.

"Hell, I don't know," Kai grunted. "Why DO you go out with me?" He turned on his heel and walked away.

"Get back here!" Mao snarled, storming after him.

-Elsewhere-

Back with Frenchie, his precious 'mouse', Jerry, was on a lab table, surrounded by scientists with pointy objects who obviously wanted to cut him up good.

"Oh, I can't look!" The Frenchman sobbed, averting his eyes. "Ve ave to urry and find zhe ozher mousie, or my new treadmill vill be _useless_!" He glared at the camera. "I vill find whoevah did zhis to Zherry, and I vill make zhem PAY!"

-Back at the Hospital-

Saya slowly opened her eyes and blinked. The first thing she was her father's face, not an inch from hers.

"Surprise!" George yelled.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaugh!" Saya threw herself backwards and fell off the bed. "Dad?! What's going on?"

"How's my lil' murderer doin'?" George asked sweetly. "Here's some treats to stave off the blood lust!" He held out the parcel, which was full with many different kinds of junk food.

"Yay!" Saya happily accepted the present, tearing the packages open and getting' down to business. A knock came from the door, and David peeked in. He blinked in confusion and studied Saya as she ate.

"Is that what 'eating' is?" He asked after a moment. "I've…never seen it before."

"Yeah, no kidding," George grunted, looking David's skeletal frame up and down.

"We need to talk," David said firmly, looking George in the eye.

"Well, gee, I didn't know we had such a deep relationship-" George began to say before David growled and dragged him through the door.

-With Kai-

Mao was still annoying Kai with her unending chatter, and he was five seconds away from smackin' a bitch.

"And so then I told _that_ whore she could take her baby daddy, and-" Mao stopped talking and stared at Kai. "Hey, you aren't even listening!"

"Of _course_ I'm not," Kai replied. "As a matter of fact, why the hell am I even here? Later." He hopped onto his crappy motorcycle and took off.

"Kai, you a-hole!" Mao shouted after him. "I'm only gonna give you thirty-eight more chances!"

-Aaaand Back to the Hospital Again-

"So, you found out who Saya killed?" George asked with interest, leaning closer to David. "Oh, goodie! Tell me, tell me!"

"She killed a chiropteran," David said, "so it doesn't count as killing someone."

"Awww!" George's face fell and he punched his leg. "Dammit!"

Upstairs, Saya had finished off the last of the junk food and gotten out of bed to change back into normal clothes. The funny robe thing with the open back had been waaay to revealing for her liking. Once dressed, she glanced at her reflection in the mirror and smiled.

"Whoo! I am hot! _Tsss_!" She licked her finger and tapped her hip. Suddenly horrific, bloody visions of the previous night sprang to her mind, and when she looked down at her hands, they were covered in red liquid. "Aww, man!" Saya complained. "I got ketchup all over me from the French-fries! _Daaaaddy_!" She went silent, and cocked her head, as if listening to someone. "Huh, what's that?" She asked. "Go downstairs and eavesdrop on their conversation? Well, alright!" She skipped out of the room and down the stairs, where she peeked around the corner and saw her father and David conversing in the lobby.

"You don't want to give her up because you have feelings for her!" David growled.

"It's no surprise!" George shot back. "My dog had just died, and I needed something to pet and feed! Saya's my daughter, and I won't let you take her!"

"She's a main character," David argued, "which means she'll soon leave this place and go on a journey to fight a terrible and unseen evil for the good of all mankind! You know that!"

"No! I still won't let you take her away!" George crossed his arms and looked stubborn.

"…I'll throw in fifty bucks," David said after a moment.

"…Cash?"

"Cash." David nodded. "And a coupon for Walmart, as well."

"Oh, alright!" George threw his arms up in defeat. "I'll talk to her." David, now satisfied, stood up and left, leaving George to also stand and wander over to the stairway. His eyes caught a half-open door, as well as a sign which read, 'So _totally_ not the way Saya went after overhearing your conversation!'. "Oh, shiz-nit!"

"What's wrong, dad?" Kai asked, coming into the hospital through the front door.

"Kai!" George spun around and grabbed hold of his son. "Saya's gone! You have to help me find her!"

"Alright." Kai shrugged and flipped open his phone, dialing home.

"Hello?" Riku asked, answering the phone. "No, Saya isn't here, but I cooked you some-"

_Click_!

"Saya's not there," Kai sighed, snapping his phone closed. "But I think I might know where she went…"

"Kai," George said firmly, "she's NOT at the strip club."

"I wasn't-" Kai sputtered.

"Or the arcade."

"I didn't think-"

"And not at the Pizzaria, either!" George finished.

"Okay, fine!" Kai growled in frustration. "I'll go check at the beach! Geez!"

-At the Beach-

Saya, indeed, was not at the strip club, arcade, or Pizzaria, but at the beach. She huddled on the soft sand as the sun sank into the horizon. A little girl ran behind her, giggling and laughing.

"Shut up!" Saya snapped at her. "You're ruining my brooding moment of inner turmoil! Ya dumb brat!"

"Daaaaaddy!" The little girl ran sobbing to her father, who glanced at Saya and muttered something about how moody main characters were these days.

"Stupid people with no names…" Saya growled, turning back to stare at the ocean. Suddenly, she began hearing "Superstitious", by Stevie Wonder, being played on a cello. Why, it was the strange cello-man from the night before! He sat on some steps behind Saya, playing the song to ease her weary mind.

"There is superstitious…" Saya sang along, "…writin' on the wall…" She stood up after a moment and approached the strange young man. "Hey, you know me, right? Please, tell me about my past! Everything!"

"Oh, don't worry about your past. I have a feeling we have a long time before we get into any of that." The stranger stared at the camera meaningfully. "About _fifty_ more episodes, I'd say."

"Crap, really?" Saya sighed. "You couldn't just give me, you know, a hint?"

"Well…" The stranger paused in his playing and looked thoughtful. "Okay, I'll give you one. The truth it, you're really-"

"_Stoooooooooooooop_!" Kai came barreling down the road on his motorcycle at top speed, then lost control and nearly hit Saya with the bike as he went flying off it. "Get…away…from my sister!" He growled, staggering to his feet and glaring at the stranger.

"Dammit, Kai! You ruined it!" Saya cried. "He was going to tell me everything!"

"You're the main character!" Kai shot back. "You should wait to hear the answers! Now it's time for an ass-whuppin'!" He hurled himself at the stranger, and the beat-down of a lifetime ensued.

…Of Kai.

"Oww!" Kai gurgled, clutching his bloody nose and twitching on the ground. "I'll…press charges!"

"Stop it!" Saya intervened, shielding Kai with her body. "Kai's a weakling! A child could beat him!" She turned and kneeled down next to her brother. "Are you alright, Kai?" She glared up at the man again. "You didn't have to be so- huh?" Saya blinked. The man was gone. How did he…?

"Hey, he stole my bike!"

-Later-

Saya and Kai sat side-by-side in the cool evening breeze, listening to the crash of the ocean waves and gazing at the sparkling stars.

"What's happening to me?" Saya asked softly, hugging her knees. "Why is my body changing like this?"

"It's called puberty, Saya," Kai said matter-of-factly. "Strange and wonderful things are happening to your body."

"Shut up!" Saya snapped. "Be serious!"

"Alright, listen," Kai sighed and stood up, staring out at the night sky. "You're my sister, and…I'll always be by your side, okay? We're…family."

"Kai…" Saya was at a loss for words.

"Here's a magical incantation you can say when things start going bad," Kai suggested, turning back to her. "Just say, 'Shit happens', alright?"

"…Shit happens…" Saya said slowly, then smiled. "I like it! Thanks, Kai!" The two shared a moment of sibling affection in the soft night breeze.

_Whee-oooop_!

The same police cruiser from before rolled to a stop a few feet from them, and the officer popped open the door and sauntered over.

"Alright, I'm ticketing you two this time," he said dangerously.

"Great, what did we do now?" Kai groaned.

"You kiddin' me?" The officer raised his eyebrows over his dark shades. "Moonlit night? A secluded beach? A heart-to-heart talk?" He gave Saya and Kai dubious looks. "You two are brother and sister, here. Don't push it." He quickly wrote the ticket and slapped it onto Kai's forehead, then got back into his car and roared away, spitting up furrows of sand.

"…Was he insinuating…?" Saya began.

"It's best we end the scene here, Saya," Kai said firmly.

-Elsewhere-

David sat in his car, staring with disturbing intensity at an old, black and white photograph of a young girl and man. Why, they looked almost exactly like Saya and the cello-stranger! But how could that be? There was a knock on the window, and David looked up to see a large black man with sunglasses standing next to his car. He cautiously opened the window a crack and stared at the man.

"…I don't have any quarters," he said finally.

"I _work_ for you." The black man stated. "Louis, remember?"

"Oh. OH!" David quickly rolled the window down the rest of the way. "What's the news?"

"There's another 'mouse' still on the loose," Louis reported. "We have to find it before the military does."

"Alright, hop in." David motioned for Louis to get in the car. What happened next was about five minutes of Louis attempting to open the door while David simultaneously tried to unlock it for him. "Don't…wait…stop it…let me just…DON'T TOUCH THE _BLEEP_ING HANDLE!!! GET AWAY FROM THE CAR, AND LET ME UNLOCK IT!"

-At Home-

"Hey, Saya!" George cried happily as his daughter and son came through the front door. "Eat up!" On the table was a feast, cooked just for her!

"Wow, thanks I-" Saya screeched to a halt and eyed the food. "Uh, Riku didn't cook any of this, did he?"

"Nope, it was all me!" George said proudly, while Riku, tied to one of the dining table's chairs, glared at him. The phone rang, and George quickly answered it. "Hey, boo! You miss me?"

"What's your favorite scary movie?" A sinister voice asked from the other end of the line.

"The one where I find out who you are and kick your ass," George answered, then slammed the phone back onto the hook. "Wrong number! Let's eat!"

Far away, a man huddled in a phone booth, eyes wide and bloodshot, body quaking under a robe. I _would_ say he's a crack-head, but the whole 'monster-hands' kinda throws it off. The weirdo reached forward and killed a dog for some reason.

"Hey!" An ASPCA member barked, banging on the glass of the telephone booth. "That is animal cruelty, and I can have you-"

_Glare_!

"Never mind!" The ASPCA member quickly backed off and dashed away. "See you next time, everyone!"

-Episode 2 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew! That was fun! Sorry, but the next update will probably be in _two_ weeks. I was an idiot and forgot the power cord for my own computer, so I have to use my sister's crappy one, plus an eight-page paper is due soon in my English class. I'll try to see what I can do, though. Thanks for reading, and review, please! Bye!


	3. Episode 3: Where It All Started

Author's Note: Woo-hoo! The due-date of my huge paper was pushed back a week, so I had time to work on my next Blood Minus! Joy! Thank you everyone for your reviews, and for liking this series, I really do appreciate it! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 3

Where It All Started

-Flashback Time!-

Oh, boy! We start this episode off in a flashback. A somewhat-younger-looking George skipped up some stone steps in the middle of a forest, singing to himself as he went.

"_I'm_ too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it _huuuurts_," he hummed, then halted in his skipping and paused. "Speakin' 'bout shirts, aren't I wearing the same exact one YEARS later in the future? That's kinda…_nasty_." He made a face, then shook his head and continued the climb up. At the top of the hill, he came to a tomb-like ruin thing, and was surprised to find a naked young girl with long black hair sprawled on the ground. He pulled out his gun, just to be safe, then crept toward her to take a closer look.

"Hmm…" he mused as he studied her. "Wait a minute! A tomb…naked young girl…long black hair…she's a…main character! _Jackpot_!" Suddenly the girl's hand shot out and grabbed George's ankle. "_Eeeek_!" George started in fright, his gun accidentally firing. Several seconds later, a dead macaw fell from the sky and landed next to him with a feathery _splat_.

"Sure hope those things aren't _endangered_," George muttered nervously, then trained his gun on the girl. She slowly raised her head, looked at him, and smiled.

"Papa!" She cooed, throwing her arms around him in a hug.

"What? No!" George tried to shake her off in vain. "I, I can't…oh, alright!" He hugged the strange girl back and patted her head. "Come here, my sweet little main character!"

-Aaaand Flashback is Over! Back to the Present!-

"Bye, baby!" A woman waved, leaving Saya's house and blowing a kiss behind her.

"Later, boo!" George called after her, walking out into the morning sun. It would be noted that he is in fact _still_ wearing that same green t-shirt from years ago. _Sick_. Saya shuffled out after him, staring gloomily at her feet and back in school uniform. "Hey, what's wrong?" George asked, noticing her glum mood. "You haven't been- _ohh_, I get it. It's _that_ time for ya, isn't it? Well, just make sure to get lots of rest and take some Pamprin-"

"That's not it at _all_, dad! _GOD_!" Saya burst into tears and ran off sobbing.

"Oh, yeah," George sighed, watching her go. "It's _definitely _that time." A rustle from behind made him turn to find David, perched like a skinny vulture on the chain-link fence nearby. "NOW what do you want?!"

"Carrion- I mean, we have to talk. Again." David ruffled his shoulders and cocked his head.

"David, I already TOLD you," George said firmly, "I'm NOT ready for a relationship with you right now!"

-At School-

At Saya's school, the students and faculty had all gathered in the auditorium to have a lovely eulogy for the deceased teacher who was killed off in the first episode. You remember, the guy you don't remember? Yeah, him.

"The poor, poor man!" The principal sighed, speaking from a podium with a microphone, as happy pictures of the dead man in his living days played out on a large screen in back of him. "Didn't even have a name! Not a chance! Curse that foul man, Pat Mah' Groin, who ate him _alive_! His death was so _grisly_, so _horrible_…we just HAVE to show everyone the _pictures_!"

He pulled out a remote and punched a button, and immediately the happy pictures disappeared, replaced by disturbingly gory ones of the teacher's autopsy reports.

"_Ooooh_!" The students moaned in horror, and a few lost their lunches.

"There you can see the remnants of what had once been his _face_," the Principal pointed out, using a long stick to better show the details, "and if you squint _real_ hard, you can _just_ make out his-"

"Oh, GOD!" Saya exploded. "I just can't take it anymore!" She once again burst into tears and ran out of the assembly hall, sobbing.

"Geez, it sure is HER time of the month," the Principal muttered, his voice perfectly audible over the microphone.

"What the hell did you just say about my sister?!" Kai began struggling through the crowd to get at the Principal. " I'll kick your _ass_!"

"Yipe!" The Principal jumped from the podium and ran like hell.

Saya first went to the tree to pay her respects for the fallen teacher by laying down a lovely bouquet, then wandered around the rest of the school, still being moody and having recurring flashbacks of the night before. No, not the drunken rave she went to, the, you know, chiropteran thing. She found herself at the lab where it had all happened, and after a deep breath, slammed the door open before she lost her nerve.

"N-_gaaaah_!" A science geek jumped in surprise, and liquid from one beaker sloshed into another. "Oh, no! Those two chemicals are incompatible! It's gonna blow!"

"Later!" Saya ran out as fast as she could.

_Ka-BOOOM_!

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in Okinawa (which is where Saya lives, right?), the Frenchman and his cohorts were hiding in the most inconspicuous vehicle they could possibly think of…an _ice-cream truck_.

"Can I have a snow cone?" A snot-nosed little kid asked as he peered up at the window.

"For zhe last time, NON!" The Frenchman snapped. "Ve are trying to conduct highly secret and illegal experiments in ere! Get lost!" He glared at his two cohorts, one at the computer, the other at the wheel. "Whoz idea _was_ it to rent an ice-cream truck, anyway?"

"His," both men answered, pointing at each other. Frenchie scowled and swore at them in French.

"Ve _ave_ to find zhat second mousie!" He went on. "Before it endz up like…like Zherry! _Guuuh_!" Tears welled in his eyes as he pulled out a small locket and popped it open, gazing at the picture inside lovingly. It was of him and his precious Jerry, the Chiropteran about to eat his head while the Frenchman smiled cheerfully and waved at the camera.

"They don't pay us enough for this…" the two cohorts sighed together.

Somewhere outside of Okinawa, the crack-head from the ending of the last episode hunched behind a small building, breathing rather hard and looking a bit sick. His eyes were blood red, most probably due to one _bad_ case of pink-eye.

"It…_itches_…so bad…" the crack-head whimpered. "Must…not…_scratch_!" He raised his swollen eyes and spied a flyer stapled to a nearby telephone pole. "Hey, ladies!" The flyer read. "Lookin' for a good time? Then come see George Otonashi, located in Okinawa! Just follow the scent of pure MAN!" The crack-head scowled, then shook his head and got up. "Well, it's better than nothing…"

-At Saya's House-

George sat in his house, looking at old photos and feeling nostalgic. There was one of Saya, Riku, and Kai having fun at the beach, and another of Saya kicking Kai in the balls after he stole her potato chips, and one of himself in a bubble-bath- wait. _Bubble-bath?!_

"How did _that_ one get in there?!" George growled, quickly snatching up the picture from the pile, then paused and studied it for a moment. "_Damn_ I look good."

"Didn't you put that one on your Myspace?" David asked, appearing out of thin air. (_Thin_. Thin air. Get it? A-_hah_. Okay, sorry. Shutting up now.)

"No. Yes." George snapped. "Mind your own business!" He shoved the picture in his pocket and turned to glare at the man. "What is it?"

"Well, putting your disturbing choice of careers aside," David sighed, "I just came to tell you that we want Saya NOW. So quit wasting episodes and just hand her over already."

"But that's not fair!" George argued. "I'm only a minor character, I have to milk it for all it's worth when I'm on camera! And why do want her now, of all times?"

"Well, it's already been three episodes," David explained, "and the audience wants more bloodshed. We've seen enough of Saya in her natural habitat, so now it's time for her to leave the nest and become even more emotionally and mentally scarred."

"But-" George protested.

"You have until sunset." David interrupted.

"What is this, a western?!" George scoffed, then blinked. David was gone. "Stupid idiot probably turned _sideways_…"

"Hey, I _heard_ that!!"

-Back at the School-

"Hey, Saya!" Kaori sang, running up behind her friend and giving her butt a smack.

"Eeek! Oh, it's you." Saya immediately went back to being mopey and continued walking. School had been let out earlier, since half of it had been blown up by the chemical-induced explosion inadvertently caused by Saya, but no-one really needs to know that, do they? Shh!

"What's wrong, Saya?" Kaori asked. "You're not yourself today!"

"Sure I am!" Saya stuck her fingers in her mouth and forced herself to smile. "See?"

"Want me to glomp you to cheer you up?" Kaori offered.

"I'm good," Saya declined. "Just hungry."

"Oh, right!" Kaori laughed. "I forgot what a _porker_ you are! Come on, let's go get something to eat!"

_Honk, honk_!

Saya and Kaori turned to see George, hanging out of his small, white van and waving at Saya.

"Hey, beautiful! How much?" He called jokingly.

"_Daaaaaaaad_!" Saya whined, running up to the window. "Stop _embarrassing_ me!"

"Come on, get in." George told her. "I need to show you something."

"He said 'show her something'!" A voice rang out. "Go! Go!" A SWAT team burst from the bushes and quickly surrounded the van, guns trained on George. "Girl," the leader said, pulling Saya aside, "you are _way_ too young to be whoring yourself to an old man like this!"

"_What_?!" Saya sputtered.

"No, stop!" George cried. "_I'm_ the whore! She's my daughter!"

"Your _daughter_?!" The SWAT team gasped. "Code Red! We've got a pervert here!"

-Later-

"When will Saya be back?" Kaori asked, glomping Riku in place of Saya in her absence. "It's not the same with you."

"Not soon enough," Riku sighed, wishing for his sister to magically appear. He had to stay behind with Kaori at her house while George took Saya for a ride. The poor boy.

"Hello, Riku!" Kaori's mother said pleasantly. "How have you and your family been?"

"Mom! What have I said about _talking_ to people?!" Kaori snapped, giving her mother the evil eye.

"S-sorry, Kaori!" Her mother said quickly. "Please don't lock me in the basement again! Please! I'll be good!"

"Dear God…" Riku thought to himself. "Please hurry, dad…"

-With Saya-

After getting the little 'misunderstanding' with the SWAT team straightened out, Saya hopped into the van and went for a ride with her father. Pretty music played as they slowly passed the nearby military base, the sparkling blue ocean, the-

The policeman from episode one and two gave Saya a stern look. Immediately the sappy music screeched to a halt, and so did the van, as they arrived at their destination. Why, it's the same steps that led up to the ruins as in the flashback! Who'da _thunk_?

"This," George began, reaching the top and gesturing at the ruins, "is where I found you."

"…Is that a bird skeleton?" Saya asked.

"Um, no," George lied, kicking it into the bushes. "I remember that day so well because…I've been wearing this shirt ever _since_."

"_Eww_! Dad, change it!" Saya made a face and stepped back.

"I…_can't_," George admitted. "It's _fused_ to my skin. Anyway, tomorrow, you'll be going away with David, okay?"

"No, it's not okay!" Saya protested. "I'll starve! That man has no idea what food is!"

"Listen to me, Saya!" George urged. "When my unnamed wife and child died, I had to become a man-whore to support Kai and Riku, my illegitimate love-children. And then I found you one day, at these ruins. The temptation was too great! Imagine, a main character as my own _daughter_! It was the chance of a lifetime! So I took you in and cared for you. I promise you, Saya, I'll always lo-"

_Ring, ring_!

"Hang on a sec," George said pleasantly, slowly withdrawing his cell-phone and flipping it open. "_WHAT_?!!"

"Would you like a free subscription to L.L. Bean magazine?" An annoyingly cheerful telemarketer asked. "Order now and we'll include a deluxe bear-proof tent, family-size!"

"No, I would _like_ to take my inhuman daughter back home and hand her over to a living skeleton who will badly, badly traumatize her innocent and fragile mind! I'll take two." George hung up, then turned to Saya with a mischievous grin. "I'll race you back down the stairs!" He ran toward the stairs, hooting with laughter, then tripped and fell all the way down them with loud crashes and bangs.

"Oh, dad…" Saya sighed, following the trail of blood to the bottom, "…_please_ stop trying to cheer me up…"

-With Kai-

Kai, meanwhile, was busy tinkering with his piece-of-crap motorcycle (not that it would help any) in front of a gas-station with his friends.

"Man, I wish Xzibit would let me on Pimp My Ride…" Kai sighed, scratching his head with a wrench and wondering where the piece in his hand belonged.

"Hey, Kai!" One of his friends chuckled. "Your sister's HOT!" Kai stared at him for several seconds, unblinking, then punched him in the face.

"Stay away from my sister," he warned. As he worked some more on his bike and his friend went to get a packet of ice, a car pulled up, and a ruffled-looking reporter-man stepped out, chatting loudly on his cell-phone.

"Blah, blah, blah," the man went, filling up his tank and getting back in the car. "Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah!" He turned his phone off, then winked at Kai. "See you in the later episodes!"

"Huh?" Kai stared in confusion as the car sped off. "Weirdo…" From across the street, he caught sight of the crack-head, hiking alongside the road. "Hmm, despite him being _completely_ covered in a blanket, I know that man is Forrest," Kai muttered, then called aloud, "Hey, Forrest! What're you-" Forrest looked up at Kai, his eyes glowing bright red. "Whoa! That is one _bad_ case of pink-eye you've got there, man! You should really go see a doctor or something!"

The crack-head, or Forrest, as he is named, was spooked by Kai, and quickly disappeared into the darkness of the night. Kai, sensing a disturbance in the force, jumped up and followed without delay.

"Your sister's still hot!" Kai's friend called after him, holding a bag of ice to his face. A rock came sailing out of the air and cracked him right between the eyes. He dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"I said _stay away from her_!" Kai hollered over his shoulder.

-Elsewhere-

"Sir, we've got a signal!" One of the Frenchman's cohorts cried.

"Oh, c'est bonne!" The Frenchman, who I guess I'll call by Mr. Argeno, his actual name, from now on (unless you guys like Frenchie or Frenchman better?), pulled out his cell-phone. "Now I can finally use my anytime minutes! Crappy Japanese network connection!"

"No, sir…" the cohort explained patiently. "The 'mouse'?"

"…Oh."

-At Saya's House-

George and Saya pulled up next to the house in their white van, the former swathed in bandages and casts, the latter sitting behind the wheel.

"Well, that was fun!" George said after a moment.

"No, it wasn't!" Saya shot back. "I had to carry you to the van, take you to the hospital, then drive all the way back home! I don't even have my license!"

"And _now_ you get to carry me inside!" George put in cheerfully. "Let's go!"

"Aww, man…" Saya grabbed one of George's broken arms and heaved him inside. Once in the house, they discovered David waiting for them.

"How the hell did _you_ get in here?!" George demanded. "Did you squeeze through the crack under the door?!"

"Hello, Saya," David said, ignoring George. "I'm from an organization called Red Shield. We kill chiropterans. And sometimes people. But mostly chiropterans."

"That sounds…wonderful…" Saya said uncertainly.

"We need you, Saya," David went on. "Your blood kills chiropterans. You're like…our Keanu Reeves. The Matrix has you, Neo."

"…What?"

"Er, nothing," David coughed. "Anyway, we-"

Suddenly the door banged open, and Forrester staggered in.

"Hey, I'm not open for business today!" George growled, barring his way. "Plus, I have a no-guy policy. Get out!"

"Die!" David whipped out a gun and shot Forrester right in the chest, making him bowl over onto his back.

"…Geez, that was a bit _harsh_, David," George stated. "I think a simple but firm 'get out' was sufficient."

"It's a _chiropteran_, you idiot!" David shouted. "Get out of the house!"

"But-" George began.

"_Graaaaaaaaagh_!" Forrester was getting up, fazed only for a moment by the gunshot.

"Have fun!" George, miraculously healed, grabbed Saya, slung her over his shoulder, and bolted out the door. Forrester shook himself, his arms now long and grotesque, and stepped toward David.

"I'd eat you," Forrester growled, glaring at David, "but you're way too bony for my taste." So saying, he grabbed David and chucked him out the door, rushing after him to the parking lot outside. Looking up, he caught sight of George, standing next to Saya. "Now _he's_ got some meat on him!"

"Hey!" George cried indignantly. "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy! The ladies happen to like it!" Forrester ignored him, instead charging forward to attack. Right before he reached them, the cello-stranger appeared out of nowhere and knocked the monster back.

"Fight, Saya!" He urged, holding out the sword once again.

"Will you tell me who you ARE?!" Saya hollered in fury. "I'm not fighting until you do!"

"Then _I'll_ do it!" George stepped forward and grabbed the sword from the stranger. Drawing it fluidly, he faced Forrester, who was getting up once again. "Hi-_yaaaaaaaah_!"  
"Uh, dad," Saya commented, "I think you're supposed to hold it from the _other_ end."

"Oh, is that why my hands are bleeding?"

"We're so dead…" David gurgled from the ground. George howled a challenge, then charged forward, swinging the sword around in all directions. Forrester watched him approach, then easily batted the sword away and clawed him across the stomach. George screamed in pain and fell to the ground, leaving Forrester to suddenly lose interest for some reason and wander away. Kai took that precise moment to magically appear.

"Hey, guys! What'd I miss?" He asked, running up. Then he saw Saya kneeling next to their father, who was laying in a pool of blood. "D…daddy?"

"Dad, are you okay?" Saya whimpered, gently touching George's back. The red liquid was spreading out across the ground in a crimson pool.

"I…fell on a ketchup bottle…" George said weakly. "It…_really hurt_…!"

"_Daddyyyyyyyyyyy_!" Saya screamed as everything went black.

-Episode 3 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Okay, now that I'm committed to doing this, I've come to realize how long this is going to take me. Let's say…I do an episode about every two weeks, and there are fifty-two episodes in all, right? I'm not too sure, because I haven't seen it all, please don't ruin the ending for me! I watch it on Adult Swim, where I get alot of my jokes for later. So, two weeks, times fifty-two episodes, equals…a long-ass time. I suck at math. Oh, well, I just know it'll take me quite a while, but I'll still try my hardest! And also, _now_ I'll have to say I'll update in two weeks time, because I have that eight-page paper, plus an art project, _plus_ a 30-page screenplay to finish up during my Thanksgiving break. KILL ME. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in advance! And speaking of thanks, thank you, everyone, for your reviews! Bye!


	4. Episode 4: Dangerous Young Man

Author's Note: Well…I'm bored and have time to kill, so…here ya go! Another episode for your humorous enjoyment. I think I'll really try and make it so a new episode is added every week instead of two weeks, because two weeks is a really long time, and I have squat to do. Except for finals coming up in two weeks, I pretty much sit on my butt and twiddle my thumbs. Enjoy! The…the fic, not my thumb twiddling. Oh, forget it. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 4

Dangerous Young Man

The doors to the emergency room banged open, and the doctors quickly rushed the patient into the hospital on a stretcher, hollering medical jargon to one another and thoroughly confusing the audience.

"Hold on, dad!" Saya sobbed, jogging beside the stretcher.

"You're gonna be fine, dad!" Kai joined in from the other side. "Don't worry, we'll help you get through-" Finally the two siblings looked down at the stretcher and found…

A pregnant woman in labor.

"Who the hell ARE you kids?!" The woman shrieked. "Where the hell is my _husband_?! I'll kick his ass! This is _his_ kid comin' out of my-"

"Whoops, sorry!" Saya quickly cut off the woman's inappropriate choice of words. "Wrong patient! Good luck with that baby and all the inconceivable pain and whatnot! Bye!" She grabbed Kai's arm and dragged him off to look for George, who was also a patient in the hospital…somewhere. They found him in another emergency room, being treated by doctors who took one look at them, then kicked them out.

"Um, yeah, doctory stuff goin' on in here…" One doctor muttered as he shoved them out of the room. "Can't let you see…you'll tell the…sky ninja's…"

"_Sky_ ninjas?!" Saya argued. "What kind of stupid excuse is _that_?! We just want to see our dad, stop being a dick!" She was still not allowed entry, and wandered into the waiting room with her brother.

"Dammit!" Kai punched a wall in his rage.

"Kai..." Saya began.

"Don't look at me, Saya!" Kai burst into tears. "Don't look at my _shaaaame_!" He ran wailing down the hall. Saya sighed and sat on a bench to wait.

Inside the operating room, doctors hurried to and fro, quickly treating George, who was in critical condition.

"We've got massive ketchup stains all over his chest!" One doctor cried.

"None on his pants, thank God," another added. "Those will be salvageable."

"Can…" George said weakly, gripping his ruined shirt and looking up at the doctors surrounding him. "Can you…save it?'

"No, sir." The doctor answered sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, but it's too far gone. Your shirt must be…_removed_."

"NOOOOOO!" George's heart rate monitor went wild, and he began thrashing around on the bed.

"Will he make it, doctor?" A worried nurse asked softly.

"That's for _him_ to decide," the doctor replied. "Let's begin the operation!"

-A While Later…-

Julia hurried into the hospital and quickly located Saya, who was still waiting on the bench, looking down. George's operation had commenced, and he lay sleeping peacefully in another room, which Saya could see into through a large window.

"Hey, girlfriend!" Julia cooed, plunking herself down beside her. "Don't be sad! Here, I brought you a push-up bra!"

"Gee, thanks…" Saya was less than thrilled. She didn't even feel like spouting obscenities about Julia's ample bosom.

"What's wrong?" Julia asked, sensing something was amiss.

"It's all my fault!" Saya blurted, tears filling her eyes. "If…if it wasn't for me…! I just can't _take_ it anymore! _Guhhh_!"

"Oh, honey," Julia sighed, patting her shoulder. "Your chest isn't _that_ small."

"Wha…I…the…chest…?" Saya stuttered, then stood up angrily. "I was talking about dad having to lose his _shirt_ because of me, not my _boobs_!"

"…Oh." Julia said softly, then quickly changed the subject. "And look! I brought some panties, too! Sex-_ay_!"

-Later…-

Julia stood before a vending machine in the darkened hall, admiring her womanly figure in the glass, then noticed a skeletal blond man standing behind her in the reflection.

"Aaaaagh!" She shrieked. "No, please, Grim Reaper! I'm not ready to leave yet! I still haven't slept with Dav-"

"It's just ME," David growled, cutting her off.

"Oh." Julia blinked. "And I wasn't going to say 'David'. I was gonna say…_Dave_. I swear."

"I don't _care_," David stated rudely, then glanced at the vending machine. "Are those yours?" The bottom was filled with mounds of dispensed candy bars and potato chips.

"Um, no." Julia blushed, taking his arm and leading him away. "Let's talk about 'us', alright?"

"What 'us'?" David asked, scowling.

"You know, '_us'_!" Julia hinted, winking suggestively at him several times.

"…Do you have something in your eye?"

"Oh, forget it!" Julia threw up her arms and began stomping away down the hall. "Damn clueless man!"

"I'll never understand women…" David sighed, then called after her. "Julia, wait!"

"_What_?!" Julia whirled around and glared at him.

"We still have to talk about Saya's man-slave," David pointed out. "It appears he's shown up a few times in the previous episodes. He's _back_."

"You don't say…" Julia murmured. Both slowly looked at the window, where the cello-stranger from before was pressing his face against the glass and staring in at them.

"…You know, we can see you," David said after a long moment. The cello-man frowned, then pulled away from the glass and shuffled into some nearby hedge bushes. "We can STILL see you."

"_Dammit_!"

"Saya!" Riku burst into the hospital, wearing nothing but his Hello-Kitty underwear and looking absolutely terrified. "For the love of God, save me!"

"…What the hell happened to you?" Saya asked, gaping at him in shock.

"That freak Kaori locked me up in her basement!" Riku gasped out. "I had to hit her over the head with a shovel when her back was turned so I could escape! She's a _psycho_!"

"Oh, yeah," Saya said sheepishly. "I forgot to warn you about that…"

"You KNEW?!" Riku sputtered. "And you LEFT me with her?!"

"Uhhh…" Saya cast about for a good excuse. "Look, dad's dying!"

"Wha- _DADDY_!" Riku ran up to the glass and peered in at the sleeping George while Saya breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly, David's cell-phone began going off, its ring-tone (_I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers just can't deny!) _filling the hall. Julia gave him a funny look as he fished it out of his pocket and flipped it open.

"What's the problem?" David asked.

"The batteries in my Gameboy are running low," Louis answered. "Oh, and that stupid kid, Kai, took George's gun and ran off somewhere. But who cares about _him_?!"

"Saya, wait!" Julia called, seeing Saya and Riku dash out of the hospital and hail a taxi.

"Damn!" David threw the phone aside, dashed out after them, and managed to catch hold of the back fender of the taxi as it began to drive off. He was dragged for an impressive amount of time before he was forced to let go. Julia rushed up and kneeled next to him.

"You need mouth-to-mouth?" She asked hopefully.

"No, I need my-fist-to-Kai's-face," David snarled. "Let's go."

-With Saya-

"…You're _hot_!" Kai's stupid friend gushed, gazing at Saya rapturously. Saya frowned. She'd thought Kai's friends could help her find him, but now it didn't seem like such a good idea.

"Look," she growled firmly, grabbing the guy's collar and yanking him close. "Just tell me where Kai went, or I'll kick you in the balls, got it?"

"Okay, okay!" Kai's friend whimpered. "Kai wants to find Forrest and kill him, so he's gonna go after his old girlfriend! That's all I know, I swear! _Please_ don't hurt me!" Saya, satisfied, waited a moment, then kicked the boy in the balls anyway.

"And stop writing me love letters!"

-With Kai-

Kai, meanwhile, wandered into a bar, looking around for Forrest's old girlfriend. With luck, she could lead him to Forrest, who he could first yell at, then shoot, then yell at some more, preferably in that order. Not finding her in the bar (and not having the faintest clue what she looked like), he walked up to the bartender and slapped his hand onto the counter.

"Hit me with a cold one!" He barked.

"You're not foolin' anyone, kid," the bartender, a woman, grunted. "OUT."

"But I'm looking for-" Kai began.

"Bruce!" The bartender called to the bouncer, a huge meat tank of a man, who clomped over and threw Kai out the bar window and into the street.

"…_Owwwwww_…" Kai whispered, eyes squeezed shut against the pain. He cracked one open and caught sight of a woman with the name "Reimy" taped to her back. "That's her!" He scurried to his feet, dusted the bits of glass off him, and followed her.

-Elsewhere in Town-

Saya and Riku, ironically, were still looking for Kai. They followed Kai's friends around town until suddenly Saya began having a strange sort of vision, where she saw everything in red and could hear really good. Freaky. When Saya came to, she wasn't surprised to find Kai's friend leaning in for a stolen kiss. She quickly head-butted him, ending that line of thought, then kicked his twitching body.

"You just don't _learn_, do you?!"

Elsewhere, Mr. Argeno and his crew were still crammed in the tiny ice-cream truck, surrounded by sugar-hungry children whining and complaining.

"We've lost the signal, sir," a cohort reported.

"_Vonderful_!" Mr. Argeno snapped irritably. "Remind me what I pay you fools for!"

"You _don't_," the other cohort stated. "We don't have a salary. We're not even minor characters. We don't even have _names_."

"Oh…right." Mr. Argeno unwrapped a small candy and popped it into his mouth.

"What are those things you keep eating?" A cohort couldn't help but ask.

"Crack," Mr. Argeno answered. "I vas une crack-baby. I need it all zhe time. Now, let's go be cheating bastards and steal George from the ospital!"

"I want a fudgicle!" A little boy demanded from the open window.

"Get lost, you little brats!" Mr. Ageno barked at them.

"That's it! Let's push the truck over!" The kids cried.

"…Oh, _merde_."

-Back With Saya and Riku-

Saya and Riku stood outside the bar Kai'd previously been kicked out of. They and Kai's friends hesitated, reluctant to enter the den of sin.

"You go in!" One of Kai's friends said.

"No, you go in!" The other friend snapped.

"I know, let's make the kid go in!"

"No way!" Riku shot back. "I'm, like, _eight_! Plus I'm only in my underwear! I won't last a second in there!"

"Oh, for goodness sakes, _I'll_ go in!" Saya huffed, shoving past them all and storming toward the door. The doors banged open just before she reached them, however, and out came-

"_Ieeeeeeeee_!" Saya screamed in terror, throwing herself backwards in a desperate attempt to escape.

"…What's with you?" Mao asked, having just exited the bar.

"…Hey, Mao. How's it going?" Saya asked in a pleasant voice, sprawled on her back.

"Mao? What're _you_ doing here?" Kai's friends asked.

"Oh, I work part-time here as a stripper," Mao answered matter-of-factly.

"Wow, really?"

"No, not really, you idiots!" Mao snapped, giving them both a smack. "I'm looking for Kai."

"He's taken a gun and trying to kill Forrest!" Riku blurted out. Mao stared at him.

"…Why are you in your underwear?"

"You _don't_ wanna know," was all Riku said. Mao rolled her eyes and pulled out her cell-phone. "Wow, you're gonna help us find Kai?" Riku asked excitedly.

"…No." Mao answered. "I'm ordering a pizza- of COURSE I'll help you look for Kai! _Sheesh_! Get in the car." She hailed a taxi and crowded in with Saya and Riku. "You two look for Forrest," she called back to Kai's friends as the car took off.

"You're still hot, Saya!" Kai's friend called after them. Saya snatched Mao's cell-phone away from her and whipped it at the stubborn bastard. "_Gaaaaah_! My precious eye-looker!"

"Hey, that was _mine_!" Mao complained. Behind the car, the cello-stranger followed on a _scooter_. Oh, you bad.

-Elsewhere-

Kai was still on Reimy's tail, following her car with his piece of junk cycle. The same cop from the previous episodes attempted to pull him over, but Kai was in no mood for games and punched him out, then hid his body in the bushes. …That's kinda creepy.

Back at the hospital, Julia was busy applying a heavy layer of makeup onto George's unconscious face. Hey, she was bored! Suddenly an ambulance pulled up to the front entrance, and strange men in plastic suits piled out. Julia scurried around the corner, trying to hide in the shadows, but her large chest hindered her, making her hiding place easily noticeable. Thankfully the suited men were rather stupid and simply came in, grabbed George ("Whoa, he's one _pretty_ man!"), and drove away.

Kai continued following Reimy until she was dropped off at the docks. There, he crashed his bike (which he usually did instead of parking it), then staggered up toward the warehouses where she'd disappeared. After accidentally entering the wrong one and interrupting a drug deal which then went sour with everyone shooting everyone else, he scurried away and found the correct warehouse. He kicked the door open, then charged in, gun drawn.

"Yippe-KAI-yay, mother-fu- _GAAAAH_!" He began, then gagged at the sight of Forrest sucking the life out of poor Reimy. What the hell, she had a face and name and everything, and they _still_ killed her! That's just…_mean_! Forrest glared at Kai, his pink-eye worse than ever. "Dude, what did I say about getting that _looked_ at?!" Kai yelled, pointing his gun at Forrest.

Suddenly Forrest's body swelled, muscles bursting through his clothes. He'd become a monster like the one in the science lab at the school.

"But, then again," Kai went on pleasantly, "you don't have to if you don't want to! I'm not forcing you or anything!"

-With Saya and Others-

Back in the car with Riku and Mao, Saya suddenly gasped aloud.

"Stop the car!" She ordered.

"Why?" Mao asked. "Is Kai nearby?"

"No! I just really have to PEE!" Saya climbed over Mao, hopped out of the car, and ran for the nearest restroom.

"Wait for me! I have to go, too!" Riku also jumped out of the car and followed.

Nearby, Louis slammed on the brakes of his car, making David (who had been stupid enough to _not_ put on a seat-belt) slam up against the dashboard.

"What, is it Saya?!" He asked once he'd recovered from the excruciating pain.

"No! Dunkin' Donuts is having a buy-one-get-one-free special!" Louis gushed.

"Will you people stop _doing_ that?!" David exploded. He caught sight of Saya and the half-naked Riku running down the street. "There they are!"

_Fluuuuuush_!

"Ahhh…" Saya came out of the bathroom, sighing in relief, half a roll of toilet paper stuck on the bottom of her shoe and trailing behind her. "Whew! That's better! Now, to find Kai!"

"_I_ can help you with that," a voice whispered in her ear.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" Saya shrieked, whirling around to find…that same damn cello-man _again_! "Oh. You. Again. WHAT?!"

"My name is Haji," the stranger (finally) introduced himself, kneeling before Saya. "I hear and obey, master."

"Hmmm…" Saya stared at Haji for several seconds. "Stand on one foot." Haji obeyed. "Flap your arms like a bird." Haji began flapping his arms. "Now sing, 'Beautiful', by Christina Aguilera." Haji began singing. He was quite good. "Well, _I'm_ convinced!" Saya stated, then motioned for him to stop. "Let's go find Kai before he hurts himself."

"Alright," Haji agreed. "But first, here's a Capri-Sun." He handed her a foil package of the tasty beverage.

"Hey, thanks!" Saya grabbed it from him and slurped happily.

"Filled with my blood."

"_Huuuuuurgh_!" Saya fought to suppress her gag reflex, then hurled the package back at Haji's head. "TELL me next time! Geez!"

_Fluuuuuuush_!

"Fwoo! Saya, you really should have used one of those spray can things!" Riku gagged, coming out of the bathroom. "I nearly _died_ in there! S…Saya?" He halted, seeing his beloved sister stare at him with blood red eyes. Haji took her hand, and the two flew up into the night. David rounded the corner just in time to see them take off and disappear.

"_Whoa_. I must be hallucinating because I haven't eaten in a while." He rummaged in his pockets, and withdrew a power-bar. Peeling back the foil, he gave the bar a single lick. "I'm _stuffed_!" He chucked the bar over his shoulder, then hurried over the Riku, who was standing in shock. David took off his jacket and draped it over the young boy's shoulders. "Here, put this on," he told him. "You're just _asking_ for pedophiles to come molest you."

"Why…why did Saya leave?" Riku asked sadly.

"She's a main character, kid," David sighed, ruffling his hair. "You'd better get used to it."

-Aaaand Back With Kai, Once Again-

Kai, at the time, was busy unloading his gun on the Forrest-monster, which didn't do diddly-squat. Once the gun was empty, Kai hesitated, then threw it, too, at the monster. Once again, nothing happened.

"Oh, what the _FRICK_!" Kai cursed, then squealed in fright and ducked away as Forrest came charging at him. He barely managed to dodge and nearly fell on Reimy's drained corpse. "Ew, ew, ew! _Germs_!" Kai scuttled away, then looked up to see the monster pulling back a huge arm to strike him. Kai closed his eyes and waited for the end to come. After waiting several seconds with nothing happening, he opened his eyes and looked around.

"Ohhh! I Punk'd you AGAIN!" The monster-Forrest chortled. "You are _hopeless_, man!"

"SHUT UP!" Kai hollered, cheeks burning. Just then, Haji and Saya appeared in the warehouse, perched on the rafters high above. Forrest caught sight of them, roared, and grew wings from his grotesquely large arms. Beating them powerfully, he began to rise into the air toward them.

"I believe I can flyyy!" Forrest sang as he, well, flew. "I believe I can- OOF!" Haji had jumped down onto his back, forcing him down to the ground with a crash.

"That song is, like, ten years old," Haji commented, pinning Forrest down on the mat easily. "And it's by a man who likes to pee on underage girls. Get another theme song." A referee jumped out of the shadows and began pounding the mat, counting down from ten seconds. As Haji tried to kick the man away, he called up to Saya, "Any time, now!"

Saya leapt down from the rafters, landing as fluidly as a cat, then slashed her hand open with her sword. She rushed at Forrest, chopped off an arm, and watched as he crystallized, killed by her blood.

"Holy _crap_!" Kai gushed, watching. "What the hell happened to you, Saya? You used to be a total dork and now you're all cool and stuff!"

Saya's eyes narrowed, and she began stalking toward her brother.

"No, no, no." Haji chided, blocking Saya's way. "Only chiropterans. And Tye Pennington."

"Oh, alright." Saya sighed and sheathed her sword. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to have a good cry now."

"Please, proceed." Haji nodded. Saya took a deep breath.

"_Waaaaaaaah_!" She burst into tears and threw herself to the ground, wailing.

"You know," Haji commented after a moment, "I am quite adequately trained to allow you to cry on my shoulder. I don't mind. Really." He winked at Saya, who glared up at him.

"Go jump off a cliff!" She barked.

"…_Dammit_!" Haji's body was forced to move against his will as he sought out a suitable cliff to throw himself off of. Damn stupid obeying orders bullcrap.

-Sometime Later-

David and Louis had finally arrived at the docks and denied accusations of having waiting outside until the potentially life-threatening fight with the chiropteran was over. Come on, they're humans! You can't blame them! Louis stuffed the dead bodies into garbage bags and threw them into the back of his van.

"Good thing I have ties to the mafia!" He grunted, closing the doors.

"Who, the Crispy-Cream mafia?" David scoffed, eyeing Louis's ample gut.

"Don't make me smoke your skinny ass," Louis warned, fingering his gun. David rolled his eyes and turned to study Haji, who stood beside him, covered in bandages.

"So, you're Saya's man-slave, huh?" He looked Haji up and down. "What the hell happened to you?"

"None of your gosh-darn business," Haji shot back. "And I didn't jump off any cliffs or anything, if that is what you were insinuating."

"Hey, David!" Saya ran over, looking excited. "He does whatever I tell him! Watch this! Haji!" She snapped her fingers. "Get down on all fours!" Haji was forced to obey. Saya then sat on his back and began riding him around like a horsey. "Whee! This is _awesome_!"

Nearby, Kai and Riku sat together on a bench next to the warehouse, both feeling a bit depressed.

"I'm so useless…" Kai sighed.

"Cheer up, Kai!" Riku soothed. "I'm more useless than you!"

"Thanks, Riku!" Kai was feeling better already.

Suddenly, David's phone (_My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun_!) went off. Everyone gave him a look at his choice of ring-tones as he answered it.

"Yes?" He asked.

"We have a problem," Julia said from the other side. "They've taken George."

"…Who have?" David asked after a moment.

"The Muffin Man," Julia drawled. "It was the bad guys, DUH!"

"Oh." David said slowly. "Shit."

-Episode 4 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, alright! That was fun. I don't really know how to spell Haji's name, though. The subtitles spell it, "Hagi", but when I looked it up, it was spelled "Haji". Dammit, that's confusing! But I guess it's not that big of a deal. Did you know that in the English version, Crispin Freeman does both Haji's voice, Mr. Argeno's voice, AND Joel's voice? I'm sure if it were up to Crispin, he'd do _all_ the character's voices, _including_ Saya's. I'm sorry, I'm just sick of hearing his voice in every friggin' dubbed anime! Oh, and Louis has a Jamaican accent, too. It's…quite amusing. Anyway, hope you liked it! Review, please! Later!


	5. Episode 5: Beyond the Dark Forest

Author's Note: Oh boy, new episode! …Yeah, this one's up early because I'm so effing _bored_. I thought I'd be really busy, since it's almost finals week, but seriously, I have _nothing_ to do. I'm already done for a few of my classes, and I only have one test to study for. I'm going CRAZY. But never mind that. Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 5

Beyond the Dark Forest

In a big, white medical room somewhere in Japan, George lay on a stretcher amongst other unconscious patients. He was hooked up to a heart-rate monitor, as well as an IV of bleach that was dripping into his pants to keep them from going into critical. God knows his _shirt_ hadn't made it. Face still plastered with makeup (thanks to a very bored Julia in the previous episode), he began mumbling incoherently as a scientist in a plastic suit sidled up next to him.

"Please…" he mumbled, wiggling his arms and legs like a newborn baby, "please don't anally probe me! _Guhh_! Oh, shirtie, where'd you go?" He rolled over onto his stomach, stuck his bum in the air, and began slurping loudly on his thumb, falling back into deep, snoring slumber.

"…_Weirdo_…" The scientist shook his head in disgust and went to observe the other patients. The guard watching George through the wall-mounted camera wondered if he'd get fired if he took the tape and sent it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Ten thousand dollars was a lot of money, and almost worth the risk.

-With Saya-

Saya, meanwhile, was back at home (…Actually, I don't know _where_ she is. IS she at home? She's just…_somewhere_), brooding. She sat on a small, white bed, staring at her sheathed sword and mulling over the previous day's occurrences. Haji was at her side, inching closer and closer to her until she lost her patience and glared up at him.

"Will you cut that out?!" She snapped. "Why don't you go jump out a window?!"

"Aww, _horseballs_," Haji sighed, heaving himself up and out the window instinctively. Poor guy. Monster. Monster-guy. Whatever the hell he is.

Saya glanced back down at her sword and began thinking of last night…

-Flashbaaaaack!-

Saya was busy singing karaoke with Haji as backup, and they were sure to break Kai's record with M.C. Hammer's 'Hammer-time', since they were singing a duet of Alicia Keys's 'No-one' and were wracking up the points-

Wait, wait wait! That's _not_ what happened last night! Stop! Stop! CUT! Run the real flashback! _Geez_!

-_Real_ Flashbaaaaack!-

"What?! They took dad away?!" Saya asked David in disbelief, sitting outside the warehouse at the docks where she'd just finished killing the crap out of Forrest, or the monster formerly known as Prince- er, I mean Forrest. "_Why_?! To learn the secrets of man-whoring or something?"

"It's unlikely, but possible," David admitted. "Some bad guys just showed up out of the blue and kidnapped him. Where's the 'Without a Trace' crew when you need 'em?"

"What the hell?!" Kai barked, barging into the conversation. "Why didn't Julia stop them?!"

"What was she going to do, flash them?" David shot back. "Calm down. This'll give us another reason to go around killing stuff again."

"So, what're you gonna do about our _dad_?!" Kai demanded, still not satisfied.

"Everything that's in our power," David answered courageously. He then squeezed his eyes shut and gave a long, drawn-out grunt. Then he opened his eyes again. "Well, I've done all _I_ can do! Saya, it's _your_ turn now." He gave Saya a nod.

"That's bull-crap!" Saya cried in outrage. "But I'm the main character, so all I can do is reluctantly agree. I'll do it."

"Horray!" Haji popped up with some pom-poms and cheered. Saya smacked him.

"Alright! Let's roll!" David clapped his hands together. There was a short pause. "I get shot-gun!"

"What? No fair!" Louis shouted as they both shot for the car. "You _always_ get shot-gun, David!" The two began squabbling, smacking each other as they tried to open the car door and get into the passenger-side seat.

"Let us come along!" Kai begged, grabbing Riku's arm and pulling him close. "We want to help save dad, too!"

"No, you'll just get in the way!" David said over his shoulder, still fighting with Louis. "What can a couple of minor characters do?"

"Hey, _you're_ a minor character!" Kai pointed out.

"Touché." David raised an eyebrow. "But at least _I'm_ useful."

"_Ohhh_, no he di-in't!" Louis laughed, slapping his thigh with mirth. "Oh, snap! Oh, snap! Hey! That's cheating, David! I was busy insulting Kai!" As he began trying to pull David out of the car, Kai gave a sob of frustration and ran for his bike. Finding it in ruins from the previous crash, he was forced to make do with stealing a little girl's tricycle.

"I hate you ALL!" He sobbed, slowly pedaling away, handlebar-streamers waving in the wind.

"What an _idiot_…" Saya sighed and got in the car with the others.

-Alright, Flashback's Oveeeer!-

"Well…" Saya told herself, back in the present. "Guess I don't have much of a choice, huh?"

"Nope!" Haji poked his head in through the window, covered in dirt and grass. "Don't worry, though. I'll help you cheat by giving you all the answers. It'll be okay."

"Wow…" Saya smiled at him. "Thanks…"

"…Do I get a kiss?"

"NO!" Saya shoved him back out the window and stormed out of the room. Haji lay on his back in the dirt and smiled up at the sky.

"I _love_ her…" he said happily.

-Meanwhile, Up on the Rooftop…-

Saya emerged onto the rooftop, shielding her eyes from the glaring sun. A pleasant breeze ruffled her hair and skirt, and birds chirped pleasantly. Saya closed her eyes in relaxation. So peaceful…so quiet…

Suddenly a ball came flying out of nowhere and smacked her right in the chest.

"Ow! My love-muffins!" Saya hissed in pain, kicking the ball away. It bounced around the corner, where voices could be heard. Saya, ninja-like, slunk against the wall and peeked around. Why, it was Kai and Riku, having a heart-to-heart brotherly conversation! Let's listen in!

"Kai, I miss dad!" Riku was saying. "Where is he?"

"Um, well…" Kai stumbled around for an excuse. "He's…going on tour with…Kelly Clarkson? I don't _know_!" He sighed and gave up.

"Maybe I can wheedle some info out of David with my whining voice and patented annoying demeanor!" Riku suggested. "Then we can get Saya and go save him together, like a big happy family!"

"Saya's a main character," Kai told him, shaking his head. "She's…_different_."

"_What_?!" Saya snarled. "Kai, you son of a-"

"What was that?" Riku asked.

"Crap!" Saya realized she'd just blown her cover. "Oh, uh…moo! _Moooo_!"

"Oh, it's just a cow. On a rooftop. In the middle of the day." Riku settled back down and looked up at his brother. "You were saying?"

"Phew!" Saya gave a sigh of relief.

"Riku, that wasn't a cow," Kai said firmly. "Come out, whoever you are! We promise not to- oh, EFF, Saya!" He gasped as she shyly peeked around the corner. "Please don't hurt me! Or my balls! I didn't mean those things I said, I swear!" He paused for a moment, then jabbed a finger at Riku. "He made me say it! Hit _him_!"

"Hey!"

Saya took a step forward.

"Aw, _bleep_ it." Kai whirled around, snatched up a parachute, and leapt off the building. There was a loud CRASH several seconds later, followed by a WHUMP as the parachute deployed.

"He _did_ know this is only a two-story building, right?" Riku said awkwardly.

"If he didn't, he does now." Saya sighed.

"Hey, where'd the cow go?"

-Back Inside-

Back inside the building, Julia lay sprawled on a desk wearing nothing but a skimpy negligee as David paid her absolutely no attention and continued chatting it up on his phone.

"Hurry and find out where George is!" He said firmly. "The plot can't move forward otherwise!" He snapped it closed and walked over to the desk. "Julia?"

"_Yeees_?" She asked sexily.

"Can you move? I need to get something out of my desk."

"Oh, fine, you stupid effing- AWK!" David had lost patience and simply shoved the vivacious woman off, searching inside his desk for the desired object. Julia staggered back to her feet and gave him a disgruntled scowl.

"Here it is!" David pulled out a small folder of papers.

"What, that?" Julia sniffed. "That's a record of DNA urine tests deliveries from Okinawa's U.S. Army Base."

"Urine?" David asked. "I thought it was apple juice. No _wonder_ they wouldn't let me drink any!"

"…Okay, I'm lost," Julia sighed. "What does _pee_ have to do with George's location?"

"I have NO idea," David answered truthfully, "but I _think_ I might be on to something…" He flipped open the folder and stared at a picture of the workers from the pee corporation. Among them was a huge chiropteran in a hat and dress, looming over the others and waving at the camera. "Yes, something is _not_ right with that place…but _what_?"

-Elsewhere…-

Elsewhere in Japan (Okinawa? I dunno), the reporter-man from before popped his head into a room in the university.

"Hey, remember me?" He asked, holding his hand up to his head, miming a phone. "Blah blah blah? Of course you do. Name's Okamura!" He winked at the audience.

"Ooookay," the elderly professor in the room drawled, "who the hell are you talking to, why are you in my office, and why _shouldn't_ I call the police?"

"Oh! Uh, well…" Okamura scratched his head.

"Wait, I remember you!" The professor scowled. "The answer is no, you can't sign up for college again! All you ever did was party and set fire to things in a drunken frenzy! Get out!"

"No, wait!" Okamura sputtered pleadingly. "I want to hear about the autopsy report of the person who was killed and brought here!" (He means the first chiropteran Saya killed in the second episode. The one who wanted to learn math or something)

"Listen," the professor hissed, "that hooker had it _coming_! The stupid whore was threatening to tell my wife and-"

"Uh…I meant the _other_ person who was killed, then brought here." Okamura coughed politely.

"…_Oh_." There was an awkward pause. "Forget what I said before. Here are some pictures you can use as incriminating evidence. Now go away for a few more episodes."

"Roger!" Okamura flashed the man a thumbs-up, then skipped out of the room. The professor waited a moment, then pulled out a pad of paper and began writing.

"Note to self," he read aloud. "They KNOW."

-Back With David and Julia-

"I found out where George is," David's informant reported over the phone. "He's at Yanbaru!"

"The pee place?" Julia interrupted.

"What?"

"Er, nothing," David said quickly, clapping a hand over Julia's mouth. "Good job! Thanks!" He hung up the phone and pumped a fist in the air. "Alright! So that's where George is! Yanbaru!"

"Yes, Yanbaru!" Julia joined in.

"Let's say it louder, and slower!" David suggested.

"Alright!" Julia agreed. "YAN-BA-RUUU!"

"Now, let's sing it!"

"Okay!"

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Kai stood there, staring at them.

"_Kai_?!" Julia gasped indignantly. "Were you _eavesdropping_?!"

"Well, you guys made it pretty hard NOT to, what with your singing it and all," Kai mumbled.

"That has _nothing_ to do with it!" Julia pressed. "Don't try to change the subject, young man!"

"What do you want?" David asked dangerously.

"I want to come along," Kai stated. "You guys have to take me with you! You _have_ to!"

David's eyes narrowed. He stepped forward, grabbed Kai by the shirt, and hauled his ass out of the room. Julia hesitated, then scurried after. Some crap's goin' _down_.

-Up on the Rooftop-

"Hey, what's going on?!" Saya cried as David emerged onto the rooftop, shoving Kai in front of him. The skinny man had a dangerous glint in his eye as he stripped off his jacket and tossed it carelessly over Julia's head.

"You need to be taught a lesson, kid," he snarled at Kai. "It's time…to get _served_!" He flipped open his phone and punched a button. "Lou-IS!"

"Gotcha, David." Louis said from the other line. There was a short pause, then beat-boxing began to emerge from the small cell-phone, filling the rooftop with a catchy beat. David began bouncing and swaying to the rhythm as Kai stared at him in complete bewilderment.

"What the hell are you doing?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Ooooh, better watch out, _bitch_!" David spat, jabbing a finger at his chest. "You're about to get _served_!"

"Served?" Kai repeated dubiously. "What the hell is- _gwaaagh_!" He cried out in pain as David suddenly spun on his heels, ducked down low, then flipped onto his back, spinning like a top.

"Oh my gosh!" Riku wailed. "He served him like a burger and fries!"

Saya gasped in horror and quickly covered Riku's eyes so he couldn't see. It was just…too _cruel_! She could barely watch as David effortlessly danced Kai into the ground, using moves like 'the worm' and 'the robot' as Louis continued supplying the beat from the phone.

"Why am I so turned ON?!" Julia wondered aloud, still holding David's jacket, who, of course, was too busy to notice.

Finally, after several long minutes of total servitude, it was over. Kai lay sprawled out on the rooftop, utterly defeated. David stood over him, looking satisfied as he picked up his phone, thanked Louis, and switched it off.

"I sure showed him!" He said smugly, adjusting his tie. "Now, Saya, we've found where George is. He's at Yanbaru." He looked over to where Riku knelt next to Kai. "That's Yaaaaaanbaaaaaruuuuu, spelled Y-A-N-"

"Okay, we get it already!" Saya cut in. "Let's just _go_!"

"Alrighty, then." David smoothly donned his jacket once again, whipped a hand through his hair, and moon-walked through the door.

"Kai," Saya said softly, looking at her brothers, "you'd better stay here and…work on your dance moves. Later!" She waved and followed David and Julia back inside.

"Oh, come on!" Kai scoffed weakly. "My dancing isn't _that_ bad! Right, Riku?" His little brother said nothing. "…Riku? _Riku_!" Riku jumped up and ran after Saya, leaving Kai alone with his horrendous dancing abilities. "Why doesn't anyone _tell_ me these things?!" He howled.

-Later-

Later that night, David tore down the road through a jungle-like location, driving like a maniac. Saya sat next to him in the passenger seat, clutching her seat-belt in sheer terror. Haji had to settle for the back seat, crammed into a baby car-seat for safety. Saya decided to break the uncomfortable silence surrounding the car.

"Um…so…" she glanced back at Haji. "I…like your hair. It looks nice tied up like that."

"Oh, it's not tied up," Haji stated matter-of-factly. "I haven't washed my hair in years. It just stays in this position all the time."

"Okay, _ew_." Saya made a face and decided it was better to not talk anymore. Which was a good thing, because they'd arrived. David gasped in horror and barely managed to slam on the brakes in time to _not_ collide with Louis, who was standing amiably in the middle of the road.

"What the hell _was_ that?!" David barked, shoving his door open and storming up to Louis. "I almost hit you! Why couldn't you just stand on the side of the road and wave your arms?!"

"Meh," Louis shrugged. "Takes too much energy." David rolled his eyes and followed him to the back of a van, where he selected a hefty-looking gun from a display of weapons.

"Oooh, _yeah_!" He cooed, testing the weight and length of the huge weapon. There were loud crashes and ground-shaking as Louis came rolling out of the bushes with a tank. David scowled at him. "Show off!"

Haji, meanwhile, was pulling his cello-case out of the trunk, and Saya noticed a bundle behind it. She leaned in to get it, and Haji took initiative to pinch her butt.

"HEY!" Saya yanked the bundle out and swung it at his head. As her man-slave lay writhing on the ground, Saya opened the bundle to find…a package of rice balls! Scribbled on it was a message: "Hey. I might have accidentally put rat poison in one of these. Give it to David. Peace out! Kai and Riku. P.S. Don't worry, I didn't let Riku help me make them. They're good, except for the rat-poison part."

"Those idiots…" Saya sighed, hugging the package. How sweet!

"Alright, give me the chip," David ordered.

"What? Oh, _hellllll_ no!" Louis snorted, bobbing his head. "Ain't NO way you're gettin' my Lays!"

"I mean the computer chip, not your potato chips!" David snarled.

"…Oh." Louis blinked, then quickly handed David the computer chip that would show them where to go in the Yanbaru Compound. "Good luck!"

-Elsewhere-

Meanwhile, back at the important-looking room with the important-looking General, Mr. Argeno burst into the room with bunches of flowers and smiles.

"Bonjour! I am back!" He cried, throwing his arms around the General and kissing his cheeks (he's French!). "Did you miss moi?"

"NO." The important-looking General ground out, pushing the Frenchman away. "Listen, we got a problem with Yanbaru. Something's gone wrong, and we don't know what to do."

"Ve shall burn it, like zhis!" Mr. Argeno pulled out one of his candy wrappers and attempted to set it on fire. The tiny flame, however, seared his fingers, and he dropped the match. Almost immediately the room was engulfed in flames.

"Holy HELL!" The important-looking General cried in horror.

"Oui, zhust like zhis!" Mr. Argeno said, nodding. "Only not with us IN it."

-In Yanbaru-

In the big, white building, which we now know is Yanbaru, things indeed had gone wrong. Medical staff lay on the ground, dead, along with shattered glass and broken furniture. It looked like a drunken rave had passed through, or members of Oprah's audience.

"_Mmmm_!" George smiled in his sleep, blissfully unaware of what was happening around him. "I love you, too, baby!" His eyes slowly opened and he saw what he was cuddling with – a blood-covered corpse. "_Gaaaaaah_!" George threw the body away and looked around in a panic. "Who? What? Where? Dear Lord, what the hell did I DO last night? And where's my _shirt_?!"

Somewhere deep in the compound, someone knocked on a thick metal door. A chiropteran shambled up to it and punched a button, lifting the door up. A pizza-delivery man stood there, looking a bit nervous.

"Uh, hi," he said. "You guys order a pizza?" The chiropteran nodded, then sniffed at the pizza.

"Hey! Where's the human-flesh toppings we asked for?" It demanded.

"Well, see," the delivery-man began, "we have this policy against human dismemberment, so-"

"You'll do nicely!" The chiropteran grabbed the delivery-man and yanked him inside. Then he turned his head and hollered; "Hey, guys! Pizza's here!"

"Am I getting paid over-time for this?" The delivery-man asked. "No? Son of a-"

-Episode 5 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Holy CRAP I had fun with this one. Writing the scene where David 'serves' Kai…priceless. And of course Louis _has_ to beat-box a rhythm for him! Poor Julia and her unnoticed attentions toward David, too. And the pee, can't forget the pee! I was watching and like, what the _fuuuuh_? when that came up. Hope you liked this one as much as I did! Thanks! Later! Review, please!


	6. Episode 6: Father's Hand

Author's Note: Whoooo, next episode! Again, this one's up a little early because I'm so effing bored here. The only good news is that me and my twin are turning 21 on Monday. Yeaaaaaaah, all-night kegger! Just kidding. I'll be here, in my room, with the maaaaaale strippers! Whooo! _Whistle_! Again, kidding. I'll just be sittin' here eating cake. _Delicious_. And much better than beer or male strippers. Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 6

Father's Hand

It was the dead of night in some jungely place somewhere in Japan. Small lizards perched on leaves, insects rustled next to flowers, and Tarzan swung from- what the? _Tarzan_?

"Jane!" Tarzan trumpeted, swinging from vine to vine, "I come to save you! Then we have hot jungle love like-"

Get the hell outta here! You're ruinin' my fic, monkey boy! The king of the jungle spasmed and fell to the forest floor as a sharpshooter picked him off from afar. Thanks bunches! Anyway, getting back to the plot, deep within this jungle was the Yanbaru building. David, Saya, and Haji were busy infiltrating the sinister base. Let's join them!

David led the small team through the darkened hallways of the building, sliding along walls and keeping to the shadows. When they reached a slightly propped-open door, he easily squeezed through the paper-thin crack and into the room beyond.

"Holy crap!" Saya gasped in amazement, breaking the silence. "How did you _do_ that?!"

"Hey." David looked back at her and gestured to his body. "_Skinny_."

"Oh, _duh_." Saya rolled her eyes, then attempted to squeeze through after him. She was quite unsuccessful. "Gaah! I can't fit!"

"That's because you've got some junk in your trunk," Haji commented from behind her.

"Shut it!" She snapped, kicking the door fully open and storming through.

"Hey, I didn't say it was a _bad_ thing!"

"Will you two HUSH?!" David hissed, shutting the bickering pair up with a dangerous glare. The three entered a museum-like room, with stuffed-animal displays on tables and shelves. Saya's hip accidentally knocked into one of the displays and started it up.

"Welcome to Yanbaru!" An annoyingly-cheerful woman's voice tittered. "Please prepare to die! Thank you!"

"Gaah! Sorry! Sorry!" Saya hurriedly backed away from the table, blushing deeply, and promptly hit into a large shelf, knocking it over with a splintering CRASH. "Oh! Oh EFF! I'm sorry! Sorry!"

_Crash_!

"Oh! Sorry!"

_Crash_!"

"Eff! I didn't mean that one, either! Sorry!"

_Crash! Crash! Crash!_

"STOP MOVING!" David roared. Saya immediately froze, surrounded by the shattered debris of her own clumsiness.

"I'm really, _really_ sorry," she whispered.

"Okay, shh! Shhh!" David held a finger to his lips, miming silence. Haji paused for a moment, then knocked over another display case, which broke with just as much ear-shattering tumult. "And _you_! Stop trying to join in and make her feel better!" David grabbed them both by their arms and hauled them deeper into the building.

-Elsewhere-

Mr. Argeno and the important-looking General (as well as a large crowd of unnamed people) stood outside the charred remains of the military building that the Frenchman had so innocently set on fire. Frickin' pyro.

"So…" Mr. Argeno drawled, "you do see my point, non? Ave you made the decision yet?"

"Yeah, I've decided to wring your skinny French neck-" the important-looking General snarled, lunging at him. Luckily his loyal soldiers leapt forward and managed to hold him back.

"Hey, it iz not _my_ fault your crappy Japaneze building went up like une kerosene-soaked _blanket_!" Mr. Argeno snapped irritably.

"Because YOU dumped the kerosene on it!" The General howled.

"Oh, did I?" Mr. Argeno asked innocently.

"Dear God! Just lemme nuke him, please!" The General begged. "Listen! The code for the bomb is 12345!"

"12345?" A soldier guffawed. "Sir, only an _idiot_ would use that kind of code!"

"12345?!" Mr. Argeno gasped. "Why, zhat is zhe same combination as on my luggage! Excuoise moi!" He turned from the crowd and whipped out his cell-phone, frantically dialing a number. "Bonjour? Oui! Listen, I need you to change the combination on my luggage, it's une emergency!"

"Sir, we _can't_ blow up Mr. Argeno," the General's men were firmly telling him. "We _can_, however, blow up Yanbaru. Alright?"

"Fine!" The General huffed. "Just as long as _something_ gets blown up! Hurry!"

-Back at Yanbaru-

Back at Yanbaru, the crew had made it down to the basement, the elevator doors sliding open to reveal a very creepily darkened hallway. David and Haji shoved Saya out first, then scuttled out after her. After traveling down the hallway a short distance, David ducked into a room and the other two followed.

"Eeek!" Saya squeaked in fear as she caught sight of a few dead men sprawled on the floor. She struggled to control her breathing and remain calm.

"No, no, Saya!" Haji soothed, walking past her to the dead bodies. "It's alright, see?" He grabbed one of them and heaved it up, making the limp corpse do a little dance. Then he began fiddling with the mouth, opening and closing it as he made the deceased man say, "It's okay, Saya! You can do it!" Saya smiled weakly. "Oh, and it wouldn't hurt anyone if you gave Haji some _sugar_-"

"Enough!" Saya kicked the dead body away and stormed over toward David. The thin man was crouched over a computer terminal, tapping away madly at the keys.

"Come on…come on…" he whispered, tapping becoming even more frantic. "Almost…GOT IT!"  
"You found out where my dad is?!" Saya asked excitedly.

"No." David frowned at her. "I just got into my e-mail. Stupid junk mail! No, I do NOT want a larger bust size! _Geez_! I think I'll save that one for Julia!"

"Look for my dad!" Saya hollered in his ear. David stared at her for a moment.

"Hey, look, Saya!" He said cheerily, gesturing at the screen. "It's an ad for a stress reliever! I think this might help you!" Saya's eyes narrowed, and she unsheathed her sword part way. "I'm on it!" David snapped back to the computer screen and began searching for Saya's father, using the keyword, "Man-Whore".

-Meanwhile-

Meanwhile, way back at home, Kai and Riku were busy being…really effing _bored_. It comes with being minor characters with nothing important to do. Get used to it.

"I'm so _boooored_…" Riku complained, laying on a couch. "I wish _I_ had a fanfic to write in my spare time…" He looked up at his brother. "What do you think, Kai?"

"Huh? David sucks?" Kai was too busy studying Napoleon Dynamite's frickin' sweet dance moves to pay his little brother much attention. He also had a Dance-Dance-Revolution mat on the floor and was attempting to copy the steps, but failing miserably. "Gosh-DARNIT! I need to get better so I can serve David into the seventh circle of hell the next time we face off!"

"Never-mind…" Riku sighed and switched the TV on. "Hey, it's I Love New York 2! Horray!"

"You are watching that over my dead body!" Kai flew over the couch and the two began grappling for the remote. "That woman is a cesspool of venereal diseases and booze! Gimme that remote!"

In the next room, Julia was busy sitting at a desk and doing some important task. I just…don't know what it is. Suddenly her cell-phone went off (_Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?),_ and she quickly answered it, ignoring the fighting boys.

"Hello?" She asked. "Say WHAT, girlfriend? No WAY!"

"What? What's the matter?" Kai asked, dragging Riku over with him, who was still clinging to the remote and biting his brother's hands.

"Shh!" Julia hissed, glaring at him. "Something about the U.S. Army blowing up Yanbaru. Now be quiet, can't you see I'm on the phone?!" She rolled her eyes and went back to her conversation. "She was wearing WHAT?! Oh, girl-"

"Dammit, woman!" Kai dropped his brother and the remote and dashed out the door. "I'll take my sweet trike and go warn Saya!" He proudly sat on the little girl's stolen tricycle from the previous episode, now totally pimped out with spinners and red flames down the sides. "Oh, yeah. I'm _bad-ass_ now!" He began slowly pedaling down the road toward wherever the hell the Yanbaru building was. Like he even knows.

"Geez, finally!" Riku skipped back to the couch and happily watched his show. "Don't choose Buddha, New York! He be lyin' to you! Dump his ass!"

-Back At Yanbaru-

Back in the building, David was still furiously searching for George's whereabouts.

"Damn pop-ups!" He grumbled, a bead of sweat sliding down his temple. "No, I don't care what Brittany Spears has been doing lately, I need to find out where George is before his psycho daughter disembowels me!"

"What've you found?" Saya asked, growing impatient.

"Er, well…" David cleared his throat and began a very long and boring history lesson about the U.S. and chiropterans. "You see, it's suspicious that the U.S. is always around when chiropterans are present, so-" Saya's lids began growing heavy, and she struggled to stay awake, her head bobbing up and down and swaying precariously. "-and I don't really wanna point fingers, but it seems like those American bastards are-" Haji's head lolled back as he began snoring, asleep on his feet. He didn't even _try_ to fight it. "-and since then I've had this really freaky fear of clowns that really- hey, are you guys even _listening_?" David stopped, glaring at the other two. They responded with snores. "Fine, forget it! That's the last time I tell you my innermost thoughts and desires!" He huffily turned back to the computer and began typing again.

From the grated ceiling above, a drop of moisture dripped down and spattered on the back of Saya's neck. She jolted awake and touched her neck in confusion.

"What the- _eeeugh_! _Euuugh_! Dammit, Haji! That's disgusting!" She swiped at him with her sword. Luckily Haji snapped awake at that exact second and was able to duck out of the way.

"Huh, what?! No, that wasn't me!" He protested. "Believe me, if I was gonna do something to your neck, it wouldn't be that!"

"You're just digging yourself a deeper grave, you know," Saya pointed out.

"I realize that," Haji replied, "but it wasn't me!"

"It was ME!" A chiropteran roared, coming crashing down from the ceiling into the room. He grinned hungrily at them. "Alright! _More_ pizza toppings!"

"Saya, fight!" David ordered, hiding behind the computer. "Draw your sword! Swing it around! Square button, down, down, X button! You _know_ what I mean!"

"No, I can't!" Saya was still too scared to kick the monster's ass, so Haji grabbed her and hauled her out of harms way as David drew his own gun and fired. It didn't do diddly-squat.

"Bwahahaha!" The chiropteran laughed mockingly at him. "What the hell was _that_?! If I wanted a kiss, I woulda called your _mother_!" David scowled, then shot it in the crotch. "Haha- GWAAAGH!" The monster keeled over, clutching it's ruined privates.

"Run!" David urged. "It'll only delay it for a moment!" The three ran back into the hall and dashed down it, into a dead end. Uh-oh.

"Close the door or something!" Saya suggested.

"Gotcha!" David punched a large button and immediately a thick steel door began slowly descending from the ceiling. The chiropteran had managed to stumble out of the previous room and was ever so _slooooowly_ crawling toward Saya and the others.

"_Ohmigodohmigod_!" Haji and David shrieked, clutching each other in panic. "_Closecloseclose_!"

The chiropteran continued crawling toward them at a snail's place, slowly closing the gap between them.

_Bang_!

Finally the door had closed, cutting them off from the chiropteran.

"Okay, you two are over-acting _morons_." Saya stated.

"Aw, come on!" David whined. "We were just making it more dramatic!"

"It was twenty feet down the _hall_!" Saya pointed out angrily. "It would have taken at least _ten minutes_ to get even _halfway_!"

"You're no fun, Saya!" Haji crossed his arms and pouted.

-Elsewhere-

Back at the burned-down military base, a temporary shelter had been erected, where Mr. Argeno was breaking the news of his leaving to the important-looking General.

"You'll miss me, non?" Mr. Argeno asked sadly.

"Oh, uh…" The General scratched his head and thought for a moment. "Sure!"

Immediately the door burst open and a soldier, dressed in nothing but his boxers, came hollering in, uncorking a bottle of champagne and spraying the two men with the fizzy alcohol.

"He's gone, he's gone!" The half-naked soldier sang. "He's finally g-" He froze as he caught sight of Mr. Argeno sitting opposite the General.

"Not yet, you fool!" The General hissed, motioning for him to leave. The soldier gulped and quickly backed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"What was ZHAT about?" Mr. Argeno asked, wine dripping from his hair and glasses.

"Er, nothing!" The General coughed. "An, uh, old soldier is, um, retiring! We're throwing him a going-away party, is all!" He smiled cheesily at the Frenchman.

"Oh, alright! Au revoir!" Mr. Argeno gave the General pecks on the cheek, then skipped through the door. Several seconds later, the boxer-clad soldier poked his head in.

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

"_Wo-hooooooo_!" Everyone began partying in celebration and getting slum drunk.

-Back With Saya-

"I spy with my little eye," Haji was saying, "something that begins with the letter, 's'!"

"_Steel_! It's _steel_!" Saya exploded. "We _get_ it already, we're stuck in this gosh-darn tiny room with nothing but _steel_ around us! GAWD!" She slumped back against the wall, cursing the gods for putting her in this torturous situation. There was little else to do in the hell-trap than play stupid games to pass the boredom.

"…I spy with _my_ little eye," David drawled, "something that begins with the letter, 'b'!" He glared meaningfully at Saya.

"Oh, don't even GO there," she growled dangerously.

"He meant 'babe'!" Haji interjected.

"Yeah, I'll BET he did!" Saya hollered, throwing herself at David, ready for an ass-whuppin'. He jumped back, his shoulder accidentally hitting the button from before, making the door rise up.

"Crap! Look what you made me do!" David cried. The chiropteran stuck outside had recovered by now and came charging in.

"I spy with my red eye," it snarled, "something that begins with the letter, 'f'!"

"…Flashlights?" Haji asked.

"Fairies?" David wondered.

"Fools?" Saya glared at the two men.

"No," the chiropteran corrected. "FOOD!" He leapt at Saya, who quickly drew her sword and jabbed at the oncoming monster with all the force she could muster.

_Tink_!

Everyone froze during an awkward pause.

"What the hell was _that_?!" David barked. "It didn't even break the skin!"

"_Crud_." Saya sighed. She just didn't have it in her.

"Hi-_yaaaaaaaaaaaah_!" George suddenly came barreling down the hall and body-slammed the chiropteran, spearing the monster on Saya's sword and finally killing it.

"Daddy!" Saya squealed in delight, jumping to her feet. She was about to hug him until she realized he was wearing one of those open-back hospital robes. "_Euuhh_…"

"What's wrong, sweetie?" George asked, then cocked his head and pursed his lips. "Is it just me, or is it a bit breezy in here?"

"It's breezy in here," David snapped, grabbing his arm and hauling him along. "Let's go." The group began running down the hall toward the exit, with Haji having to bring up the rear and get a full view of George's backside.

"Eurgh…" Haji gave a long-suffering sigh and tried focusing on Saya's rump instead.

"So, what'd I miss?" George asked as they ran.

"Well, Saya killed a few things and Kai was an idiot," David filled him in. "That's about _it_."

"Wow, really?"

-Outside Yanbaru-

Finally, after hours of slow, squeaky pedaling, Kai had managed to make it to the road to Yanbaru. As he closed in, Louis appeared on the side of the road and leveled his tank's cannon at him.

"Holy CRAP! It's me, Kai!" Kai sputtered in fright. "_Don'tshootdon'tshoot_-"

"Kai?" Louis frowned and adjusted his dark shades. "Is that a…tricycle?"

"…Yes?"

Louis burst out laughing.

"Listen! The U.S. Army is planning on bombing Yanbaru!" Kai barked.

Louis was still hooting with laughter, almost falling out of the tank in the process.

"Quit laughing and _listen_ to me!" Kai roared. "This is serious! They're going to- oh, forget it!" He slowly pedaled past Louis and began approaching the building.

"Okay, okay! I'm good!" Louis wheezed, wiping the tears from his eyes. "What were you saying about a bomb, Kai? Kai?" He glanced around and caught sight of Kai riding away on his…tricycle. "_Bwahahahahaahhaaaa_!"

-Once Again, Back With Saya-

"Why is it that elevators NEVER work when you need them to?" George mused as he continuously tapped the elevator button with no luck. Chiropterans were closing in all around, and there was no escape save for the elevator, which had chosen to be a bitch and not work for them.

"Because it's cliché?" Saya suggested over her shoulder. Haji and David were busy beating back the blood-thirsty monsters, and things weren't looking too good…until George turned around and mooned the monsters, making them go into shock and easily dispacthable. Several went down using this patented method of strategy. Good job, guys!

"_Yeah_!" David and George went to give each other high-fives just as another chiropteran dropped from the ceiling and assaulted Saya. "Saya!" George gasped, accidentally punching David's lights out as he reeled toward his precious daughter. The chiropteran whirled around, saw the screaming half-naked man rushing him, and promptly clawed his guts out. _Ouch_.

"Gaaah! Not _another_ shirt!" George gasped out, falling to his knees. He weakly dabbed at the blood on his chest and brought it up to his mouth. "And this…does NOT taste like ketchup!"

"Daddy!" Saya screamed. She quickly killed the chiropteran with her killer blood, then ran to her father's side. "Are you alright, daddy?" George's arm was distorting badly, morphing into a chiropteran arm like Haji's. Hey! How unoriginal!

_Bing_!

The elevator door slid open, revealing a cheerful-looking Kai.

"Hey, gang!" He greeted. "I just came to warn you about the bomb they're gonna be droppin' on this ma pretty soon. Don'tcha just love- _ohmygoddaddy_!"

"Perfect timing, kid," David growled, dragging him out of the elevator. "Get in here and say goodbye to George."

"Daddy, what's happening to you?" Saya whimpered.

"Well," George said with a big sigh, "I forgot to mention…I kinda…_slept_ with a chiropteran."

"_WHAT_?!" Everyone hollered in disgust.

"Hey, it was a paying customer!" George retorted. "Plus my standards kinda dropped after losing shirtie, so…you know." He held up his monster-arm and shrugged.

"George," David said heavily, "I knew you were a man-whore, but gosh-DANG it there's a _limit_! Not to mention this fic is only rated Teen, for goodness sakes!"

"Yeah," George chuckled, "we really-"

"No! No more!" David clapped a hand over the protesting George's mouth and glared at the others. "As far as we know, these scientific bastards experimented on him with Delta 67, got it?"

"Aye, aye!" The others couldn't be happier to agree with him. Now let's just forget everything that George just said. _Shudder_.

"Saya…" George reached over to his daughter and grasped her hand. "Sorry, but I'll have to horribly traumatize your pure and innocent soul by asking you to mercilessly slaughter me, your own father, before I become an unfeeling monster and devour you all."

"…Okay!" Saya immediately raised her sword over him.

"Hold it!" George squeaked out, grabbing her arm. "I still have a few things to say!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, then began reading from it. "First off, I'd like to thank God for the wonderful manliness he saw fit to bestow upon me, and the hordes of lovely women who-" He paused, frowning. "Whoops, sorry! This is my acceptance speech for if I'd ever win 'Man-Whore of the Year' award." He chucked the paper over his shoulder and faced his children. "Saya, be a good main character. Grow up, and…DO things. And remember our saying, 'Shit happens'!" Kai…" He turned to his son, who was struggling to hold back his dam of tears. "Quit being an insufferable a-hole and butting into things. And Riku…well, Riku's pretty hopeless, huh?" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Okay, I'm ready! Just…just tell boo I love her, okay? I'm out!"

Saya, tears in her eyes, cut open her hand and let the blood fall into her father's wound, thus killing him.

"Aww, he looks so peaceful!" David said, trying to cheer Saya up. She looked down at her father's face, which was contorted into a mask of unbearable pain and agony.

"You're not helping any, David!" Haji snapped, smacking the back of his head.

"_Daddyyyyyy_!" Kai and Saya screamed together, sobbing.

_CRASH_!

Several chiropterans burst in through the door, snarling and slobbering in fury. They froze as they caught sight of the crying brother and sister.

"Did…did we come at a bad time?" One chiropteran asked nervously. "Should we come back later?"

"No, you came at a perfect time," Saya hissed, drawing her sword and standing up. "You're all DEAD!"

"Yeah. Yeah, we came at a bad time," the other chiropteran said before it and its brethren were all decapitated by Saya. She stood amongst their dead bodies, covered in their blood.

"…I still feel so empty inside," she whimpered to herself.

-Later…-

High in the sky above, a plane loaded with bombs flew over the Yanbaru compound, which looked remarkably like a huge target circle. Figures. The pilot pressed a button, dropping the bomb and utterly destroying Yanbaru.

Ka-BOOOOOM!

"Now, onto the Ashely Simpson concert…" he muttered, turning the plane around. "I've got a bomb with her name on it…"

Down below, Louis drove away from the explosion in his lovely tank, rumbling down the road. He glanced at his rearview mirror and caught sight of the explosion behind him along with the 'images in mirror are closer than they appear' warning.

"_Gaaah_!" Louis slammed on the accelerator and went peeling off. Kai's tricked-out trike was tied to the back, and Kai clung to it desperately.

"Slow down, man!" He barked at Louis. "I'm gonna fall off!"

"What? Can't hear ya!" Louis sped up some more.

David, driving his own set of wheels, followed the two down the road. Saya and Haji sat in the back, the cello-man once again strapped in his baby-seat. He glanced at Saya, who was staring at nothing and drooling a little bit, and decided to try and cheer her up.

"I spy-" he began.

"Haji," Saya interrupted, "just shut the _bleep_ up."

"Yes, ma'am." Haji sighed and turned to gaze out the window, a single tear running down his pale cheek.

-Episode 6 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, done! This one's a bit long, huh? I gotta admit, I had a little trouble with this one, so sorry if it's not too funny or I disappointed anyone. And sorry if the next episode takes a while to put up, but I (finally) have a final coming up, and then I'm going home for Christmas and I wanna spend some time with my family. Merry Christmas to everyone! Oh, wait, we're not supposed to say that anymore, right? Sorry, sorry. Happy holidays! There, is that it? Oh, you know what I frickin' mean. Thanks! Bye! Review, please!


	7. Episode 7: I Must Do It

Author's Note: Whew! Here's the next installment for you all. It was hard for me to write this because I somehow injured my hand (in my sleep, of all things) and it really effing hurts to write. Hmm, maybe I live a secret life in my sleep as a secret-double-agent-assassin-ninja? That would be _pretty_ cool. And would explain how I hurt my frickin' hand. Well, I hope you all enjoy this episode. Later! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 7

I Must Do It

Riku hopped out of the lifeboat that'd taken him from the mainland to the huge cruiser ship he was now boarding and hopped merrily up the gangplank to the entrance up ahead. He was in _such_ a good mood today! Er, tonight! Saya and Kai were back, Dad was alive, and he'd set the Tivo to record the finale of I Love New York 2! In his own personal opinion, neither of the men were right for New York, since Tailormade was such a wimp and Buddha was a complete _psycho_. But anyway, onto more important things!

"Daddy!" Riku cried in delight, bursting in through the front doors and hugging the closest large bulk he could find. That large bulk turned out to be Louis. "Hmm…" Riku paused a moment, his face buried in the plump man's stomach, and squeezed him experimentally. "Dad isn't _this_ big…" he mused, "and he doesn't smell like _Frito's_, either."

"Get off!" Louis barked, shaking the kid off of him. "I'm not your damn dad, kid!" Kai slowly walked up to Riku and placed a brotherly hand on his shoulder.

"Listen to me, Riku," he said with the utmost serenity and calm, "something _very_ serious has happened. Now, lemme break it to you gently." He paused, searching for the right words. "_Dad's dead! He's dead, Riku!_" He shrieked, seizing his brother by the shoulders and shaking him violently.

"_Aaaaaaaaugh! Nooooo!"_ Riku screamed along, tears pouring down his face.

"_Yes! Yes!"_ Kai assured, still shaking him. "_He died horribly! I had to stand there and watch! It was horrible and bloody and-_"

"Stop it!" David snarled, shoving Kai away and calming down Riku. "Lemme show you how it's done," he muttered, shooting Kai a glare. He paused as he also searched for the correct words. "Listen, kid, your dad…_he's DEAD! Dead!"_

"_NOOOOOO_!" Riku shrieked, once again being shaken and crying bitterly.

"_Yes! He's dead, mercilessly slaughtered by none other than your beloved sister, Saya! He's gone, gone forever!"_

"_Aaaaaaaaaugh_!"

"Oh, for the love of God!" Julia huffed, kicking David away and taking Riku's hand. "Listen to me, Riku! I'm sorry, but George is dead. Okay?"

"Oh, alright," Riku replied sweetly, calmly accepting this.

"Wha…?" Kai and David sputtered. "What was with all the yelling and screaming before?"

"Oh, that?" Riku shrugged. "I just like to mess with ya."

"Why you little-"

-With Saya-

Elsewhere onboard the huge ship, Saya lay on a medical cot, deep in la-la land. In other words, she's dreamin', alright? She was in a strange hallway place, filled with flowers, following her father down the hall. He entered a room and when she followed him in, she was horrified to see the nightmarish figure of…Mariah Carey?!

"_AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH_!" Saya shrieked, sitting bolt upright as she snapped awake. She hurriedly looked around and realized where she was. "Thank _goodness_, it was only a dream!" She breathed a sigh of relief and settled back down on the bed. Closing her eyes, she began thinking of her father, his sweet voice, his nasty shirt, his-

"RIKU!!" A voice echoed loudly down the hall. "Open this mother-_bleep_ing door this _instant_! Don't play games with me, mister! I will seriously _bleep_ you up! You'll come up off the ground, I'm-a smack you so hard! _Hey_!! You listenin'?!"

Saya sighed and rolled off the bed to see what all the hubbub was about. It was Kai, predictably, trying to coax/threaten Riku into coming out of his room, where he'd locked himself in. Doesn't he realize that's a _reward_ for everyone else? Whatever.

"Riku, open this door!" Kai barked, banging on the door. No answer. He looked over at Louis, who stood by his side, holding a plate of food obviously meant for the little boy. "Alright, Louis! Knock the door down!" Kai ordered.

"Why, because I'm _fat_?" Louis asked indignantly, frowning.

"No, because you're black," Kai corrected matter-of-factly. Louis gave him a ganstah-wanna-cap-you-bitch glare, then settled with chucking the plate of food at Kai's head and went grumbling away down the hall. "Lotta help _you_ are!" Kai shot after him, then noticed Saya standing beside him. "Oh, Saya! Perfect timing! Dad's killer- er, I mean, _sweet sister_, would you please kill Riku- uh, _persuade_ Riku to open this door so I can kick his little bratty butt?" He smiled innocently at her.

Saya gave him a heroine-wanna-gut-you-bitch glare, then settled with kneeing him in the groin and storming away after Louis.

"Fine, everyone just _leave_ me!" Kai gurgled from the ground. "I don't need any of you losers! I'm fine by myself!" He began to sniffle, softly. "I feel so alone!"

-Back at Yanbaru-

At the blasted sight of what had once been the Yanbaru facility, the same reporter guy, Okamura, from the past episodes was snooping around. He scoured the ruins, wearing a Sherlock Holmes green hat, cape, and pipe, whilst also peering around with a magnifying glass.

"Hmm! This is _mighty_ suspicious!" He mused to himself, nibbling at the end of the pipe clenched between his teeth. "_Mighty_ suspicious, indeed! I'm almost 50 sure…a _bomb_ was dropped near here."

The idiot was standing in the middle of the damn crater.

"Can we _go_ now?" Okamura's friend complained, deathly bored.

"Who the hell are _you_?" Okamura sputtered, training his magnifying glass on the stranger. "Can I call you Watson?"

"Sure, sure, whatever," Watson sighed. "I'm only here for, like, five minutes, so let's just yap about some unimportant stuff, then the story will move back to the main characters."

"Alright!" Okamura agreed. "Wait a minute…we've used up all our time! Son of a--"

-Back Onboard the Ship-

"Here's the chip," David said, handing Julia the computer chip he'd downloaded all the files from Yanbaru onto. Immediately the door popped open and Louis poked his head in.

"Did someone just say 'chip'?" He asked hopefully.

"Get outta here!" David barked, beating the man back and closing the door. Julia inserted the chip into her computer and the information began to boot up.

"You like my background?" She asked David as he stalked back over. It was of him, naked, covered with rose petals.

"It's…_interesting_," David coughed. "But anyway, back to the info…" Julia sighed heavily and went back to analyzing the data.

-Back to Okamura _Again_!-

My, my, my! What do you know, we're back with the reporter-man and his assistant, eating in a restaurant somewhere! That's a surprise! The two men sat at a low, Japanese table, slurping on some noodles or something.

"…What the heck are we eating, again?" Watson asked, eying his dish.

"Hell, I don't know," Okamura grunted. "It's something Japanese! Let's just say it's pizza, okay?"

"Okay!" As the two men chowed down on their…_pizza_, another man entered the restaurant and headed for the counter. He had a big, bushy beard and was dressed in hunting gear. …Guess he's goin' shopping or something.

"Hey, man!" The hunter said to the storeowner. "Lemme tell ya about last night-"

"Dude," the owner grumbled, "I really _don't_ wanna know about your crazy sex-capades."

"No! Not that!" The hunter hissed. "I was around _Yanbaru_ last night!" Okamura dropped his pizza and stared in surprise at the man. "And I heard fighter planes!" Okamura leaned forward with interest. "And I saw men in strange suits!" Okamura leaned even closer intently. "And I was- _do you MIND?!"_

Okamura was now so close to the hunter-man he was almost making love to him.

"…Well, no, not really," Okamura admitted. "Anyway, could you tell me more?"

"Those strange suits," the storeowner mused, "they sound like bio-hazard suits."

Okamura gasped aloud and stared off into space for several long seconds.

"…You alright, man?" The hunter asked after a moment.

"Yes, I'm alright!" Okamura hissed quietly, not changing his dazed expression. "Can't you see I'm having a flashback?! _Shh_!"

"Oh, I thought you were havin' a stroke or something. My bad."

-Back With David and Julia-

"Damn! It's no good!" Julia smacked her fist onto the tabletop in frustration. "I just can't _do_ it!"

"_Would you stop playing Minesweeper for one second and analyze the damn data on the chip already?!"_ David exploded. The door began to swing open, and David angrily kicked it closed again. "Get lost, Louis!" He barked at the door, then turned to Julia again. "Not to mention, you really suck at that game."

"I do _not_!" Julia protested, then immediately clicked on a mine afterward. "Oh, darn!" She huffed angrily and threw David a serious look. "So, what will you do about Kai and Riku?"

"…Leave them at the pound? Look, I don't really CARE," David ground out. "Just look on that chip and get the info." The door creaked opened a crack. "LOUIS!!!" The door instantly slammed shut.

"Stop _saying_ it, then!" Louis growled through the door.

-With Saya-

Saya, meanwhile, was busy eatin' soup in the cafeteria. Yum! As she slurped her meal down, her thoughts went back to how her father had slept with a chiropteran- er, I mean, had been experimented on with Delta 67 and died. Yeah. _Cough_.

"_Daaaaamn_, girl!" Louis drawled, popping up behind her wearing a "Kiss the Brutha" apron and matching hairnet. "How the hell you gulp that all down so fast?" Saya blinked, looked down, and was surprised to find she'd just finished off the contents of not only her bowl, but the entire pot of soup.

"Oh, um, whoops!" Saya blushed and quickly put the huge pan onto the table. "I guess I was really hungry."

"_I'll_ say!" Louis guffawed, picking up the pot and peering inside. "That was meant to feed a large family! Guess I'll make some more…" He began shuffling toward the door, pot in hand.

"Um…why are you wearing a hairnet?" Saya couldn't help but ask.

"To keep my hair out of the food, duh!" Louis threw over his shoulder.

"…But…you don't have any-"

"You want some more soup or not, bitch?!" Louis growled in a suddenly dangerous tone of voice.

"Yes, please." Saya quickly shut her mouth and sat quietly. As Louis was busy clanging and banging pans in the kitchen, Saya began to hear a song coming from outside the kitchen, from the upper deck of the ship. Deciding her hunger was sated (for the moment, anyway) she snuck out of the kitchen and onto the deck, where she found Haji once again playing 'Superstitious' on his cello.

"_You_!" Saya ordered, jabbing a finger at him. "Tell me about my past!"

"_Well_," Haji began, pausing in his song, "we used to make sweet monkey love-"

"And tell the _truth_!" Saya snapped.

"Oh, fine." Haji sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Pulling Saya's sword from his cello-case, he unsheathed it and held it up in the fading light. The last of the sun's rays reflected from the sharp blade, effectively blinding Saya with its brightness.

"Ow! Ow!" Saya squinted her eyes closed and held up an arm to shade her face. "Okay, what does _blinding_ me have to do with my past?!"

"Nothing," Haji admitted. "I'm just doing this because it's fun."

"You son of a--"

-With Kai-

Kai was still having no luck getting Riku to come out of the closet- _gah_! I mean, come out of his room. He was having to resort to…_drastic measures_.

"I'll play it, I swear!" Kai cried warningly, glaring at the closed door standing between him and his little brother. "Come out NOW!" There was still no answer from the other side of the door. "Alright, fine! You asked for it!" Kai snarled, popping open his boom-box and inserting a CD. He then pressed 'play' and the most horrific song known to mankind began issuing from the speakers, a song known to make men go MAD.

"_Mmmbop! Ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop,  ba du bop, ba duba dop,  ba du, yeaaah, yeah! Mmmbop!"_

"Hahahaha!" Kai laughed insanely. "How you like _that_, huh? You wanna come out now? I'm not turning it off until you do! I'll be playing it…so…is he singing _along_?!" Indeed, Riku was. "_Dammit_! Now I remember, _I'm_ the one who hates this song! Shoot!" He kicked the boom-box off the ship and slumped against the door, sulking. "Great, now it's stuck in my head…" Several minutes passed.

"Hey," Kai suddenly said, "remember when we all went to the beach, and you were all pissy because Saya ruined your stupid Harry Potter book and locked yourself in the van? Man, you were a pain in the ass. So, then dad took off his shirt and did a little dance, but you _still_ wouldn't open the door, so he fixed your dumb book with some dog-crap that was on the ground?"

"DOG crap?!" Riku thought to himself, huddled on his bed. "Dad told me it was brown glue! _Stinky_ brown glue!"

"And so everything was alright again!" Kai went on. "See, you don't have to worry, Riku. When things get bad, we'll take off our shirts and do a little dance, and when that doesn't work, we'll use dog-crap to stick everything back together, okay? So…come on out, will you?"

"…Mmmbop! Ba duba dop-"

"_Auuuuugh_! No! You soulless brat!"

-Back With Saya-

Haji pulled back and began swinging Saya's sword in graceful arcs, dancing around on the deck like a ballerina. Saya watched in awe, greatly impressed with Haji's swordsmanship. He finally finished and held the sword out to her.

"Wow! You're really good with that sword!" Saya gushed. "How did you learn all that?"

"Oh, what, that?" Haji blinked. "There…was a fly." He quickly continued before Saya got a chance to hit him. "And about your past, sorry, but I can't tell you about it." He paused. "I _can_, however, save you a butt-load of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."

"I don't even have a car!" Saya barked. "When will you stupid people tell me about my past already?! Gosh-DARNIT!"

-With Julia and David-

"_Alright_!" Julia cheered, throwing her arms up in celebration.

"You've analyzed the data?!" David asked excitedly.

"No," Julia corrected. "I finally won at Minesweeper. _Told_ you I didn't suck! Oop! Oop!" She jumped up from her chair and did a booty-dance.

"_Aaaarrrrrgh_!" David ground his teeth in frustration and threw himself onto a nearby couch.

-With Okamura…_Again_-

Now, Okamura, this series' Sherlock Holmes, was busy questioning some dude at a smelly garbage dump-site. Why, again? Apparently some peeps (from Yanbaru?) had dropped off some medical equipment at the dump, along with other incriminating evidence. Okamura was busy sorting through the medical equipment, trying to find out any other leads.

"…Is this normal?" Okamura asked, holding up his arm, which was covered with so many hypodermic needles it looked like a porcupine.

"Um, maybe you shouldn't mess around with that stuff," the other man coughed.

"Nah, I'll be fine." Okamura continued searching the site until he found something else. "Hey, what's that?"

"Uh, that's-" the dude began to say.

"It's BOOZE!" Okamura squealed in delight, snatching up one of the wine bottles and holding it upside down over his open mouth. "Ooh! And there's still some in it! Come to _daddy_!"

"Is he seriously an important character?" The other man asked. "_Seriously_?"

-Back With Julia and David-

"_Booze_?" Julia asked incredulously, raising a thin eyebrow at David.

"Yes, Bordeaux wine was delivered to Yanbaru," David assured.

"Okay, first pee, now booze," Julia sighed, holding her head. "I am _so_ confused!"

"Let's just try and think of a reasonable explanation for this," David suggested.

"Maybe…" Julia muttered, tapping her chin, "maybe the chiropterans are winos? Or…or maybe…they were having a wine-tasting party? Or perhaps-"

"Correction, _I'll_ think," David sighed, rubbing his temples.

-Aaaaand Back With Okamura-

"_Damn_, this episode is _mine_, bitches!" Okamura gloated, winking at the camera.

"Who the hell are you talking to?" A man asked.

"Er, no-one!" Okamura coughed and turned back to the man. "So, anyway, you're the next one on my list of questioning! Now spill the beans about the wine!"

"B…beans?" The man repeated in confusion. "I thought you were interested in _wine_?"

"DAMNIT, man!" Okamura snarled, grabbing the man by the collar and slamming him against the wall. "I'm only a two-bit minor character! _Minor character_! Now tell me about the wine so I can investigate some more and get more screen time!"

"Gaaah! Alright, alright!" The man sobbed. "It came from-"

-Back To Julia and David (Gawd, Enough Already)-

"A girl's boarding school?" David and Julia said together, staring at the screen of the computer.

"That…that was a pretty cool transition, huh?"

"Shut up and keep searching."

-With Saya-

Saya and Haji were standing in the rain, staring at one another (what is this, a frickin' romance novel?!). Every so slowly, Saya began reaching forward to take her sword from Haji's hands.

"Ga-CHOO!" Saya suddenly exploded with a silence-shattering sneeze.

"Eeuugh! _Euuuuugh_!" Haji gagged, backing away from her. "You got snot all _over_ me!"

"Sorry!" Saya sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "It's cold out here, alright? I'll be lucky not to catch pneumonia and _die_!" She snatched her sword from him and quickly unsheathed it, swinging it over her head in a glistening arc. As the rain continued to patter down around her, she began twirling and jumping, doing exercise after exercise with her precious sword. She was exquisite, like a dancer, easily going from one form to the-

_Slip_!

"Ouch!" Saya yipped, slipping on the slippery deck and falling on her butt. Haji burst out laughing, throwing his head back and slapping his knee in mirth. Saya gave him a dangerous red-eyed glare.

"Hahaha- that is SO not funny," Haji quickly regained his composure. Saya looked up and caught sight of Riku, who'd been watching the act through his room window. Saya got back to her feet and smiled up at him.

"I'll always help you, Riku!" She called to him. "We're _family_!"

"Hmm…" Riku mused, watching his sister go on with her heart-felt speech. "I wonder if I should tell her these windows are _sound proof_…" He began remembering back when Saya had indeed ruined his precious Harry Potter book, and how he'd only come out after George had 'fixed' it. Then George had given a huge speech he didn't quite remember, then hugged both him and Saya to his chest.

"See, it's alright!" George had assured, squeezing the life out of his children. "We're family, we'll _always_ be together!"

"Okay…" Riku had smiled up at his father, feeling much better. Then Saya had ruined everything by reaching over, snatching away Riku's newly-fixed book, and ripping it in half again. "Hey! God, I _hate_ this family!" Riku sobbed, struggling out of George's hold and running back to the van, where he'd locked himself in again and the whole thing had started over. …Man, what a horrible memory.

-With Julia and David (Last Time, I Swear!)

"Hmm…it seems a lot of girls have met horribly disturbing deaths at this all-girls school," Julia mused as she looked up more information on the strange school.

"Okay, listen up," David drawled. "Number One: I don't care, and Number Two: there is no Number Two, I just _don't care_. What does that school have to do with anything?!"

"Well, it seems that one out of the hordes of murdered girls was found with all her blood sucked out," Julia commented.

"What, _really_?!" David narrowed his eyes and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "What do you know, I DO care now! Tell me more about this…_school_!"

-Back With Saya-

After Saya was done 'talking' to Riku (who didn't have the balls to tell her he couldn't hear a word she was saying), she sheathed her sword and went running back inside to Riku's room.

"_Rikuuuu_!" Kai was sobbing, face pressed against the door. "_Pleaaaaase_, open the _doooor_! I'm sorry I called you lame and useless and all those other things! Just _pleaaaase_ come out! I'm so lonely!" Saya walked up to him and raised her eyebrow.

"No luck, huh?" Kai answered with a choked sob. "Here, let me try." Saya paused. "I Love New York 2 is on." Immediately the door slammed open, crushing Kai between the wall and door.

"Hot _damn_!" Riku cried, skipping out of his room. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

"God I hate you," Kai whimpered from behind the door.

"What?"

"I said let's go watch it together!"

"Hey, gang!" Louis bellowed, appearing in the hall as if by magic. "Everything's alright, I made more soup!"

"…Is that a hairnet?" Riku asked.

Louis' eyes narrowed dangerously.

"RUN," Saya whispered.

-Elsewhere-

Mr. Argeno came staggering off his flight, knees feeling like water and barely managing to keep him upright. He'd made a grave miscalculation by getting on a plane – he was horribly susceptible to airsickness, and apparently angry Russian passengers next to him didn't appreciate getting a stomach-full of puke deposited on their laps. He'd barely been able to escape without getting his ass kicked. But the flight was finally over, and now the Frenchman was walking down the airport halls, waiting for an important character to show up. It didn't take too long for a young Chinese man with long black hair to step out from the crowd and hail him.

"…Zhackie Chan?" Mr. Argeno asked after a moment. The young man scowled.

"Not all Chinese look like Jackie Chan, you racist pig!" He hissed darkly.

"Jackie Chan!" A little boy squealed in delight and scurried over. "Can I get your autograph?" The young man slowly closed his eyes, tensed his body, and screamed through clenched teeth.

"_Nooooooo_…" He hissed in a gravely whisper, glaring death threats at the boy.

"Waaah! You're _mean_, Jackie Chan!" The little boy wailed and ran off back to his mother's side.

"My name's Karl, okay?" The young man introduced himself to Mr. Argeno. "Let's just go."

"Oui, oui," Mr. Argeno agreed, "but first, vill you give me…a _hand_? You…you get it?" He pointedly looked between Karl's face and his arm, who simply glared back at him. "…I've really got to…_hand_ it to myself," Mr. Argeno went on. "Come on, now! Don't get out of…_hand_!" He waited a moment. "What, _nozhing_? I bet you can't even _spell_ 'laugh'! Here it is: H-A-N-"

"Okay, we're _leaving_, French-ass!" Karl spat, seizing hold of Mr. Argeno by the front of his jacket and dragging him off down the hall.

"I have to say," Mr. Argeno continued, "you're quite a…_hand_-some guy. _Bwahahaha_!"

"SHUT UP!!!"

-Episode 7 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +. …Or Jackie Chan.

Author's Note: Whew, done! My hand still effing hurts and I'm sure this didn't help any, but now that I have a break maybe it'll get better. I hope you're all having a great holiday and whatnot and this fic gives you a laugh. Thanks! See you next time! Review, please!


	8. Episode 8: Phantom of the School

Author's Note: Alright! My hand is better and I'm back in business! Several people have pointed out to me that Karl is actually Vietnamese, not Chinese, as I originally thought. Well, uh, he's, um…he's Chinese in this fic, okay?! Otherwise the Jackie Chan joke won't work. …Please? _Whimper_. Anyway, read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 8

Phantom of the School

"Hmmm…" David rubbed his chin and narrowed his eyes. "An all-girls school, huh?" He slowly trained his eyes on Saya, who blinked in confusion. "I've GOT an IDEA."

-At the School-

"Hi, I'd like to join your school!" David chirruped, standing before the headmaster of the school. His face was plastered with makeup, he was wearing a fluffy blond wig, and his skinny body was hidden under the frills of his dress. He looked like a drag queen on crack.

"Um…" The uptight headmaster, Miss Lee, adjusted her monocle and gave David a hard stare. "I'm sorry…_ma'am_, but we can't accept you." She ignored David's squawks of indignation and caught sight of Saya standing patiently behind him. "But we can accept _her_."

"Who, me?" Saya jumped in surprise.

"Oh, of course," David said amiably. "Now why the hell didn't _I_ think of that?"

-Later-

It was morning at the All-Girls School of Hip-hop and Rap. Two students were walking down the hall, chattin' in up like homies.

"So," one girl was saying, "then I told _that_ bitch to lay off before I busted her in the-"

"_Ladies_!" Miss Lee interrupted, appearing from the shadows. "No gangstah talk in the halls! And save the trash-talkin' for the classroom, else I cap ya in the badonkadonk, word!" She flashed some gang signs and bobbed her bunned head in ardor.

"Y-yes, ma'am!" The girls scurried away like frightened little mice. Miss Lee gave them one final glare, then turned her nose up with a sniff.

"Bitches these days!" She huffed, rolling her eyes, then called over her shoulder, "Come on, ho!" Saya hurried after the headmaster and meekly followed her down the hall.

-With Kai-

Kai was deep in the realm of slumber, rolling around on his bed and snoring loud enough to deafen an elephant. Suddenly he giggled girlishly and began mumbling in his sleep.

"Ohh, Crispin!" He gurgled, hugging his pillow close and nuzzling it. "Speak to me with that gruff, talented voice of yours! Coo in my ear! Hold me in your-"

_SPLASH_!

"_Gwaaaaagh_!" Kai sputtered awake, blinking ice-water out of his eyes. "What the _bleep_ was _that_?!" He hollered. Riku lowered his bucket and gave his brother a look.

"You were having that Crispin Freeman dream again," he stated.

"Did I ever say anything about MINDING?!" Kai snarled in fury.

"Well, no," Riku admitted, "but it really creeps _me_ out." Kai growled at him, then looked around at his surroundings. The two brothers were in a luxurious hotel suite, with beds and a TV, and with no recollection of how they'd gotten here.

"We haven't been sold as sex-slaves, have we?" Riku asked, a bit worried.

"Well I don't know about _you_," Kai snorted, getting out of bed, "but _I'm_ a prime-cut angus beefsteak! Right, ladies?" He winked suggestively at the camera.

"Stop deluding yourself and come see this," Riku said firmly. Kai made a face and strode over. On the floor were two matching sets of bowls, one filled with dog-food, the other with water. Kai grabbed a note that'd been left on the table and tore it open.

"Good enough," he read aloud. "From David and Louis. P.S. – Kai still can't dance." He scowled, then looked down. "What're you- Riku, don't EAT from it! _Gross_!"

"But they left it for us!" Riku protested, wiping his mouth. "Where did they go?"

"Isn't it obvious!" Kai barked. "They left us! Those bastards just-"

_SPLASH_!

"_Gaaaah_!" Kai glared murderously at his brother. "What did I do _that_ time?!"

"Meh," Riku shrugged. "I just felt like it."

"Come here so I can spank the _brat_ outta you!!!"

-Back at the School-

"Here is your room," Miss Lee said, opening the door of one of the dorm-rooms. "You'll share it with Min."

"I hope she's nice," Saya thought wryly to herself, walking in. She froze mid-step when she caught sight of the dozens of pictures and posters of _herself_ plastered all over Min's wall. "HOW THE-?!!"

"The rules are simple," Miss Lee said firmly, not noticing Saya's distress. "No fighting, unless the whore _really_ deserves it; no swearing, except for in class; if you have drugs, you _must_ share with the other classmates; and most importantly…" she narrowed her eyes and leaned forward intently. "Wash your hands before every meal. Got it?"

"Um…yes!" Saya stuttered, still a bit freaked out by the posters. She noticed a note on her bed, so walked over and picked it up. It said "I love you" in what first appeared to be red pen, but Saya soon realized it was human blood and hair pasted on the thing. "Oh, boy." Saya was in for a wonderful ride. Suddenly hot breath brushed the back of her neck, and she whirled around to find a mousy-looking young girl standing directly behind her, a look of worship in her eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Saya!" Min gushed. "I've been watching you for a while!"

"Have fun, ladies," Miss Lee called, walking out the door.

"Wait, don't leave me _alone_ with her!" Saya begged.

-Outside-

After several minutes of getting to know one another (which involved a multitude of veiled threats followed by a restraining order), Saya and Min went outside the school walls for a pleasant walk. And by pleasant, I mean extremely disturbing.

"Are you tired, want me to carry you? Are you hungry, want me to kill someone and cook them for you?" Min whimpered, staring at Saya with worshipful devotion. "Are you cold? Here!" She grabbed two handfuls of her hair and yanked them out with a grunt, then proffered the tufts to Saya.

"Uh…I'm good." Saya coughed. "And what'd I say about keeping ten feet away from me at all times?"

"Oh. Right." Min hastily took several steps back and glanced at the hair in her hands. "I'll just make you another card later."

"JOY." Saya heaved a heavy sigh. How long did she have to stay here, again?

-At the Classroom-

Curious girls surrounded Saya, asking her question after question and generally getting on her nerves. As if she didn't have enough to deal with already!

"Where you from? How old are you? Ever done crack before?"

"…Get away from me," Saya stated, huddling in her desk.

"So, you having fun with Min?" A girl asked.

"Well, 'fun' isn't the word _I'd_ use," Saya admitted.

"Look, everyone!" A girl loudly interrupted. "I got a _tattoo_!" She lifted up the back of her shirt, displaying a huge tattoo that covered her entire backside. It said "I support Ricky Martin" while the Latin pop-star's mug grinned from below.

"That's against the rules, ho!" A snotty voice declared. Saya turned to see a mean-looking girl with her blond hair up in a ponytail with 'bitch' written all over her face. "Plus, it makes you look fat." She turned on her heel and high-fived her friend as the tattooed girl burst into tears and ran out of the classroom.

"That's Annemarie," a girl whispered. "She's the teacher's pet!"

"Hmm. Let's see if I CARE." Saya stated sweetly, then waited a few seconds. "Whaddaya know, I DON'T! Now shut up and leave me alone." She lay her head on the desk and proceeded to take a nap.

-With David-

"We've succeeded in infiltrating the school," David reported to his informant over the phone. "We will begin the investigation soon." He paused, listening. "NO, I am NOT still wearing that dress. Will you get _over_ it already?!" He angrily hung up and snapped his phone closed.

"Seriously, though," Louis stated, raising an eyebrow at David's wig and dress. "You need to change out of those." David snorted and thrust out a hip.

"Oooh, what's the matter, JEALOUS?" He hissed.

"Mo' like _terrified_," Louis admitted. "I'm starting to find you attractive."

There was an awkward pause.

"Alright, I'll change! _Geez_!" David yanked his wig off and grumbled to himself. Suddenly his phone rang, and he quickly answered it. "Hello? Oh, Saya! How you doing at school, honey? How are your grades? You meet any cute boys? Make any friends?"

"David," Saya said over the phone, "I've only been here an hour. Plus I-"

"Are you _peeing_?" David interrupted.

"Well, _yeah_!" Saya retorted. "I'm in the bathroom! _Duh_!" The sound of the flushing toilet gurgled noisily through the phone. "Phew, that's better! Anyway, I was gonna say- Hey, wow! You don't even have to deposit a quarter to get _tampons_ in here!"

"SAYA!" David barked. "Get back on track! Now, listen, this is important. You-"

"Hey, is that a cell-phone, missy?!"

Saya whirled around to find Miss Lee glaring at her from the bathroom door. She quickly whipped the cell-phone over her shoulder and out the window with a _crash_!

"What is what?" She asked innocently.

"What did you just have in your hand?!" Miss Lee demanded.

"That…that was a ferret," was all Saya could come up.

"What were you doing with a _ferret_?" Miss Lee pressed.

"What are _you_ doing with a _monocle_?" Saya rebuttled.

"Hmm…touché." Miss Lee narrowed her eyes keenly. "I'll be watching you, Saya…" She slowly began walking backwards out of the bathroom, bumping into the doorframe and inching around the corner, eyes still glued to the girl. Saya gave a sigh of relief as she disappeared from view.

"Damn, that cell- uh, _ferret_, was expensive," Saya cursed.

"Saya? You in there?" A voice called from the hall outside.

"Oh, EFF! It's Min!" Saya gasped, scrambling around to search for an exit, and finding none, leapt into a stall to hide. Min walked into the bathroom and halted in confusion as one of the toilets flushed several times. She walked up to a stall and slowly pushed the door open. Saya was standing in a toilet, frantically flushing it again and again without avail. She looked up, saw Min, and froze.

"…What're you doing?" Min asked after a moment.

"Nothing," Saya replied innocently. "Just…washing my shoes! What, don't tell me _you've_ never washed them in a toilet before? Girl, it works _wonders_!"

"Oh," Min said, relieved. "I thought you were trying to escape my clutches!"

"Of _course_ not!" Saya said, aghast.

"Ha, ha! Right!" Min laughed. "Because then I'd kill you!"

"Oh, _GOD_." Saya quietly prayed to herself.

"Let's go for a walk!" Min grabbed Saya's arm (a _clear_ breach of contract) and tugged her outside. "You'd better be careful, Saya!" She warned. "The Phantom of the school hates black-haired girls like you, and he'll get you for sure!" Saya made a confused face, and Min laughed. "The legend goes like this: The Phantom asked Rose to marry him, but she didn't like him, so kicked him in the crotch in answer, which made him shed tears, making blue roses bloom! Pretty neat, huh?"

"So I'll dye my hair," Saya drawled. "Who _cares_?"

"Saya, look!" Min gasped. "I bet _he's_ the Phantom!" Saya looked up to see Haji in a funny apron-thing, spreading plant fertilizer over a bed of flowers. Apparently he'd gotten a job as a gardener at the school so he could keep watch over Saya.

"Erm, Haji," the head gardener, an old man, coughed. "That's flower poison, not fertilizer."

"Unless you want a mouthful," Haji growled, "you'd better _shut it_." Then he caught sight of Saya and blew her a kiss.

"Believe me," Saya told Min, "he's not the Phantom. Just horny. Let's go."

-Lunchtime!-

Oh, boy! It's lunchtime at the all-girls school! Saya was busy trying to break her all-time record, wolfing down her meal as fast as she could manage. The other girls watched in awe, vaguely wondering if Saya was human. And yes, I realize how ironic that is.

"Holy COW!" Min gushed as Saya polished off her food with a tasty beverage. "How can you eat all that food and not get fat?!"

"Cuz I throw it up right after, _duh_!" Saya answered immediately, then paused. "Whoa, Déjà vu." She furrowed her brow and, still hungry, began looking around the table and under her own plate for more food.

"Here, you can have…" she looked down and was surprised to find her plate was already empty, then looked up to see Saya chewing.

"You say somethin'?" Saya mumbled around the food.

"Um, no," Min lied. "So anyway, is your brother hot?"

"_Blaaaaaaaargh_!" Saya immediately vomited up her meal all over Annemarie's pristine white shoes.

"Wow, nice aim!" Min whistled, impressed. "And she was across the cafeteria, too! Now about that brother…"

-With Kai-

Kai, miles away at that moment, instinctively shuddered despite the warmth of the town.

"Hmm, what was that about?" He wondered, then decided he didn't really want to know. He and Riku were at the port of the town they'd been left at, looking for David or his 'David tracks'. Kai sighed and walked to where his little brother sat on some crates, waiting for him.

"It's no good, these are useless!" Kai lamented, slapping down a pile of flyers next to his brother and sitting down. Printed on them was a head-shot of David, with "Lost Starving Hobo; if Found, Call Kai and Riku" written underneath in big, red letters.

"We can always go to Hanoi," Riku suggested. "I bet Saya will be there."

"Wow! How'd you know that?" Kai asked.

"Because I'm an evil genius," Riku answered.

"What?"

"What?"

"…Didn't you just say-"

"No." Riku stared innocently at his brother.

"Whatever." Kai shrugged and stood up. "Let's go to Hanoi!" Behind Kai's turned back, Riku's eyes glowed a brilliant red for an instant, then returned to normal.

"Coming!"

-Back at the Girl's School-

Back at the all-girls school, Karl (the _hand_-y guy from the last episode) was walking around the campus with Miss Lee.

"This school is graced with your presence, Mr. Chan," Miss Lee groveled. "It's an honor for you to be here."

"Alright, _listen_, bitch," Karl hissed, rounding on the woman. "I am NOT Jackie- _ohmigosh Saya_!" He quickly shoved Miss Lee into one of the rosebushes and huddled behind another, peeking around the thorny branches to where Saya was standing next to Haji, talking with him. "A-ha! At last, I have found-"

"_Eeee_! Look, it's Jackie Chan! Let's get him!" A horde of fan-girls squealed in delight and launched themselves at Karl.

"Aw, _crud_." Karl sighed, and ran like hell. He had plenty of time to oogle Saya later. Plus he was pretty sure some of the fan-girls were _rabid_.

"Here, take this," Haji was saying, handing Saya something.

"…This is a pair of your underwear," Saya said with an air of disgust.

"Really? Whoops, my mistake!" He winked and snatched back his man-panties, then handed Saya an incredibly tiny knife for protection. "Here you go."

"Gee, _thanks_," Saya drawled, eyeing the microscopic blade. "I'd _love_ to scratch the killer's _back_ while he's _murdering_ me."

"No problem," Haji responded, sending her off with a pat on the rump. "Have fun!"

"Erm…Haji…" the head gardener coughed to get his attention. "We…have to talk."

"What about?" Haji asked cheerily. From the nearby flower garden, a misshapen and twitching pile of vines and leaves slowly crawled over and wrapped its tendrils around Haji's leg, squealing and squirming.

"_Kill meeee_…" it gurgled in untold agony. "_Kill meeeee_…!"

"Oh, you mean that?" Haji asked, pointing at the abomination.

"Yes," the head gardener answered, "that."

-With Saya-

Poor Saya had more classes to go through before she could sneak away and check the school out. She slumped in her desk, not caring about the difference between pronouncing Tupac's name Too-_pok_ or Too-_pack_. Min leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"Watch out!" She warned. "Annemarie's after your man, the cute gardener!"

"_WHAT_?!!" Saya roared, disrupting the class and making all heads turn to her. "That _whore_! First off," she looked back at Min, "Haji is NOT my man. And second, who the HELL does Annemarie think she is movin' in on MAH man?!"

"But you just said-"

"I _knows_ what I _saids_, bitch!" Saya snapped back. "And I saids…uh…" She finally realized she'd been shouting and felt everyone's eyes focused on her. "I…_cough_." She squirmed in her seat and looked meekly at Miss Lee, who was staring at her intently. Suddenly, the monocled headmaster began to clap, slowly at first, then with more passion.

"Brilliant, just _brilliant_!" She gushed, clapping with fervor. "A+, girlfriend!"

"Phew…" Saya breathed a sigh of relief and grinned. "That's right, bitch!"

"How dare you call me that?! Detention!"

"Aw, _shiznit_!"

-Later-

After Saya's detention (where she was forced to listen to Aaron Carter's horrible rapping for punishment), she snuck into a restricted area of the school and began investigating, looking for any evidence of there being a chiropteran in the school.

"_Hmmm_!" Saya hummed, closing her eyes and pressing her fingers against her temples. "My latent psychic powers tell me to go…THIS WAY!" She whirled to the left and opened her eyes to see-

MISS LEE! OH, _EFF_!

"What are you doing here?" Miss Lee grated.

"Uh…" Saya's mind desperately searched for an excuse. "I'm NOT here."

"You…aren't?" Miss Lee asked, confused.

"No, I'm not," Saya assured her. "I'm just a figment of your imagination! This is all a dream! You're sleepingwalking! _Sleeeeepwalking_! _Whooo_! _Whoooooo_!" Making ghostly sounds and waving her arms like an idiot, Saya slowly walked backward and out the door. Miss Lee blinked several times in bafflement.

"…_Damn_, that girl's good." She sighed.

-Bedtime!-

Saya happily threw herself onto her bed, glad that the day was finally over and she could rest. Snuggling under the covers, she closed her eyes and rolled over. As she began drifting off to sleep, she lazily cracked an eye open and saw-

Min.

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh_!" Saya screeched, jerking away from the girl in fright. Min was lying right next to her in HER bed, smiling cheerily.

"Finished?" She chirruped.

"Not quite," Saya answered. "_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugh_!" She ran out of breath and began panting for air. "What're you doing in my BED?!" She demanded.

"What else? Girl-talk!" Min giggled, leaning close to Saya. "Tell me! Have you ever been kissed?"

"Not with my _consent_," Saya grunting, thinking back to the first episode.

"You have a boyfriend?" Min went on.

"NO," Saya answered firmly. A knock on the window made her look up, and there she saw Haji pressing his face against the glass and whimpering at her. "I SAID _NO_!" She barked, leaping up from the bed to yank the curtains closed. Just as she was about to, she saw a strange light coming from the bell tower. Could it be…the Phantom? Saya quickly shut the shades and found her miniscule knife. She glanced at Min, who'd just fallen asleep. Now was her chance to find out about this 'Phantom'!

"Mmm…" Min mumbled in her sleep as Saya tip-toed toward the door, "I wanna skin you and make me a Saya-suit!" Saya froze, a look of sheer terror crossing her face, then bolted for the door and sprinting down the hall as fast as she could. It didn't take her long to get back to the same restricted area she'd been before Miss Lee came along and ruined everything.

Saya paused at the 'Keep Out' sign and grinned mischievously.

"_Oooh_!" She sang mockingly, placing a foot passed the sign, "look what _IIIII'm_ _doooooing_!" She paused, but, of course, got no reply. "This would be a whole lot funner if someone else was _here_." She sighed and continued on her way.

Once passed the sign, she found the stairs leading up to the bell-tower where she'd seen the light. She paused at the first step, checking to make sure she was ready.

"Alright," she said to herself, "skimpy nightgown? Check. Tiny knife? Check. Have pissed myself in fear?" She paused and gave a little grunt. "Check! Let's DO this, Nancy Drew!" She began the long ascent up the stairs to the top.

-Five _Hours_ Later-

"Guhh…finally…made it…" Saya gurgled, hauling herself over the final stair on her hands and knees. Dear GOD there was a lot of stairs! She staggered to her feet, swaying like a drunk, gasping for breath. "Alright…Phantom! I'm-a…gonna…_whoo_!" She wiped the sweat from her brow and looked to the left. An elevator door stood there, just waiting for someone to use it, which meant there was probably one down at the bottom that Saya had missed. "SON OF A-!"

"Look, it's a doggie!" A cheery voice interrupted her curse. Saya whipped around to see the Phantom (which was just a very Karl-looking young man in a long cape and Batman mask) making shadow puppets using the light emanating from a small candle.

"Wow, you're good!" Saya laughed, clapping her hands.

"And now a bunny rabbit!" The Phantom switched his hand positions and immediately a sweet lil' bunny was hopping along in the light.

"So cute!" Saya squealed.

"Now me killing you!"

"My favorite!" Saya gasped in delight. "Hey, wait. GAH!" She barely managed to dodge as the Phantom went flying at her. She whirled around, tiny dagger drawn, and faced her attacker, who stopped to eye her appreciatively.

"Okay, lemme stop you right there," Saya said firmly. "First of all, this fic is only rated teen, so we'll have none of _that_, mister! Second, I could have you incarcerated for sexual harassment, you eye-raping pervert!"

"Oh, fine, fine," the Phantom sighed, rolling his eyes…er, eye. Saya relaxed, lowering her knife. "Psych!" The Phantom leapt forward and Saya dodged again, this time the Phantom managing to get a hit in (if you count patting Saya's _butt_ as a hit).

"HEY!!!" Saya hollered indignantly. "It's only alright when HAJI does it!" She stabbed at the Phantom with all her strength.

_Tink_!  
"Thanks, I had an itch there!" The Phantom said cheerily.

"You're welcome!" Saya replied with sweetness, then kicked him in the crotch.

"_Guhhh_!" The Phantom doubled over in pain. "Dammit! I just wanted to, you know, grope you and stuff! Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes, it is!" Haji cried, appearing out of nowhere. "Because that's MY job!" He violently kicked the Phantom in the chest, sending him flying off the bell-tower and into the darkness below. "Hey, I actually DID something! Hooray for me!"

Saya walked past the happily-dancing figure of Haji and peeked out over the tower's edge. Was the Phantom dead? Or did he escape? She leaned out a little further to make sure.

"_Ohmigoshyou'regonnafall_!" Haji shrieked jokingly, grabbing hold of Saya and pretending to toss her off the edge. She shrieked in fear and glared at him as he laughed his ass off.

"Dammit, Haji! That _wasn't_ funny!" She barked. When he was too busy laughing to reply, she angrily kneed him in the junk and began storming off. "Hey, a blue rose!" She exclaimed, picking up the blue flower and giving it a sniff, then skipped toward the elevator doors, leaving Haji to crawl down the tower steps all on his lonesome.

-Episode 8 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Alright, another episode down! Sorry if I was a bit harsh on Min, I just always found her 'intensity' toward Saya and others a bit…creepy. Maybe it's just me? Alright, then I'm a jerk. Sorry. Christmas is even closer than ever, huh? The next chapter might be a little late, because my brother (who I get to see about once a year) is coming up for the holidays and I might not be able to work on my Blood - for a bit. I'll see how it goes, but just be patient and I'll put it up eventually. Thanks for reading! Review, please!


	9. Episode 9: Each Of Their Rainbows

Author's Note: Okay, first off, I'd like to start by saying; Eff _yeaaaaaaaah_! Holy crap, over one _hundred_ reviews! I've never gotten that many with _any_ of my other fics (the closest I got was around fifty). Thank you all so much for your comments and support! Now, secondly, I'm calling this here chapter my 'vanilla' chapter – you know, vanilla, nothin' special. In other words, I think this chapter is CRAP. For some reason I had a really hard time doing it – I had to yank the ideas kicking and screaming out of me. It's probably because it was a sort of filler with Kai and Riku, whom I don't find particularly interesting, therefore the struggling with the jokes. Hopefully next time there'll be more Saya and it won't be as difficult, and I'll actually be satisfied with it. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 9

Each of Their Rainbows

Oh, boy! We get to take a break from ass-kickin' Saya and Haji the plant-killer to focus the plot on Kai and Riku! _Joy_! …Why isn't anyone else cheering? Oh, well. Let's join them as they eat breakfast at a small diner in…Hanoi? Are…are they there? Hell, I don't know. They're just somewhere in Vietnam, I think. Gawd, just start the chapter already!

"_Hey_!" Kai barked, gobbling up the last of the food on his plate and hailing a waiter. "Another double order of whatever the hell I'm eating, plus a row-boat full of ice-cream for the brat! And don't forget the solid gold and silver sprinkles! Hop TO it!"

"Um, Kai," Riku coughed nervously, sitting opposite him at the table, "isn't this a little _much_?"

"What're you talking about?" Kai scoffed. He pulled a credit card from his pocket and waved it under Riku's nose. "It's not like _we're_ the ones payin' for it!"

"Where'd you get that?" Riku asked suspiciously, eyeing the card.

"Uh…Jesus?" Kai said innocently.

"You stole that from David, didn't you!" Riku cried in outrage.

"Yes. Yes I did." Kai admitted calmly, then glared over his shoulder at the counter. "What's the holdup over there? Where's my _food_?!"

"So _that's_ why you're buying all that useless crap!" Riku realized. "I _thought_ it was weird when you bought the suitcase full of panda meat and the snow-leopard pelt!"

"Not to mention the condor eggs!" Kai added, patting his stomach. "_Delicious_! And besides, those animals had it _comin'_. They looked at me funny. And no-one messes with the Kai, NO-ONE, MOTHER-F-"

"Sir," a waiter tactfully interrupted, "here's the life-size solid-chocolate walrus you ordered."

"About TIME!" Kai barked, snatching his chocolaty mammal away and gently placing it next to him.

"Shouldn't we be looking for Saya?" Riku suggested.

"Hey, you're right! Let's go, Wally!" Kai heaved the animal over his shoulder and jogged out the door. Riku followed, sighing heavily. It was hard being the only minor character with common sense, even if-

_Crack_!

A ball came flying out of nowhere and hit the side of Riku's head, nearly giving him a concussion (and awakening his latent psychic powers). He was able to stagger back to his feet and glare at the perpetrator. It turned out to be a cute, one-legged girl hobbling toward him on a wooden crutch.

"Sorry! You okay?" The girl apologized sweetly.

"No, I- _one leg_!" Riku sputtered, stumbling over his words. "I mean, er, _you're missin' a friggin' leg, girl_! GAH! What I meant was…_watch where you're throwing that, you one-legged ho_! Just take your damn ball already!" He quickly tossed the girl her ball back, who glared for several seconds, then whipped back an arm and nailed him in the nutsack with a well-aimed curveball. And serves him right, too!

-Meanwhile, at the School-

Saya huddled on her bed, hiding under her thick blankets. No, not from Min, whose creepy advances still filled her with dread, but from Miss Lee, for Saya had her cell-phone out and was speaking to David in hushed tones.

"I met the Phantom!" Saya whispered. "…He was a really big pervert. Tried to molester me and stuff."

"Did Haji help?" David asked from the other end of the line.

"…Well, he helped out with the molestering part, if that's what you mean."

"Saya!" Min hissed, quietly opening the door and entering the room. "Watch out! Miss Lee is-"

Suddenly Miss Lee's head burst through Min's chest in a blood spurt, and the nosey headmaster scowled and glared into the room.

"Is there a cell-phone on in this room?!" She demanded, looking around suspiciously.

"Oh, _frick_!" Saya searched desperately for a hiding place for several seconds, then had to make do with _swallowing_ her cell-phone. She pushed back the covers and smiled innocently at the headmaster. "Of course not, Miss Lee!" She said in sugary tones.

"Hmm…" Miss Lee narrowed her eyes and slowly withdrew her head from Min's chest, who then collapsed into a bloody pile on the floor.

"Min? You alright?" Saya asked nervously, eyeing the other girl's prone figure. She didn't move. "Oh, she's _fine_!" Saya turned away and looked out the window, suddenly thoughtful. "I wonder how Kai and Riku are doing…" she wondered softly.

_Gurgle_…

"Ohhh, DAMN!" Saya moaned, clutching her stomach and scrambling for the bathroom. "This is gonna be a big one!"

-Back With Kai and Riku-

"_Roaaaaaaaaaaar_!" Kai bellowed in rage as he tackled a four-year old boy with all his strength, easily crushing the little tike. "Fumble! Fumble!" He cried, then picked the boy's unconscious body back up and hurled it to the ground. "_Touchdown_!"

"KAI!" Riku hollered from the sidelines. "You're playing _baseball_!!"

"…Oh, I am?" Kai blinked. "Okay." He snatched up a bat and pointed it menacingly at the small gaggle of children. "Who wants to be the ball?"

"_Aaaaaaaaugh_!" The children scattered, fleeing for their very lives.

"Friggin' idiot…" Riku mumbled, holding his head in his hands. He glanced over at the one-legged girl, who sat next to him on the bench. Her name was Mui, and once again Riku couldn't help but glance at her appendage, or the one missing thereof.

"Does it bother you?" Mui suddenly asked. Riku went bright red.

"Of course _leg_!" He stuttered. "Not! I mean not! It doesn't bother _leg_! _Leg, leg, leg_! DON'T TALK ABOUT THE GOSH DARN LEG!!!" He paused, catching his breath. "Yes, it bothers me."

"Why don't you play ball with the others?" Mui asked, gesturing towards Kai and the kids, where the crazy boy was busy clobbering the children with the bat.

"Homerun!!!"

"Uh…I don't like sports," Riku admitted.

"Oh." Mui paused, looking away with a mocking smile. "Nerd alert!"

"_Hey_!" Riku flushed. "At least this nerd can get up and _walk_ away!"

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry!" Mui amended, calming Riku down. "Whoops! I forgot to take my medication!"

"What, you on the pill?" Riku joked.

"I'm, like, _fourteen_!" Mui spat at him.

"…So?"

"I'm not on birth control!"

"You got herpes?"

"NO!" Mui bopped Riku on the head with her crutch. Kai sauntered up to the two, his bloodied bat slung nonchalantly over his shoulder.

"…What happened?" Riku asked. Kai shrugged.

"I won."

-With David and Julia-

Back at the hotel or wherever the heck they were staying, David was busy tic-tacking on his computer whilst Julia walked down a designer runway, showing off her new sexy Asian dress. It was quite a surprise she had bought it, as it completely covered her copious bosom, but still gave quite an obvious view of their size and shape. I guess she's gotta show them off in one way or another! And, of course, David was ignoring her. But Julia wasn't noticing, as she had problems of her own.

"Oh, GAWD, my ladies can't _breath_…" Julia groaned in discomfort, tugging at the dress fabric and trying to air out her breasts. "They need oxygen, or they'll die! How do I look, David?"

"Uh…" David glanced at her over his shoulder for a second and went back to the computer. "Not Asian."

Suddenly the door banged open and Louis barged in, hauling several bags of munchies and the like. He grinned at his cohorts, then raised a brow and whistled at the sight of Julia.

"That looks good on you!" He complimented.

"_Thanks_!" David said bashfully, blushing a little.

"I was talking to _Julia_!" Louis snapped.

"I KNEW that!" David snapped right back, turning away with a huff. "As if you'd ever _notice_."

"Anyway, here you go." Louis withdrew a bundle of photos from his pocket and handed them to David. They were all of young, black-haired, Asian-looking girls.

"Who're these?" David asked callously. "Your hoes? Pimp-master Louis! Oop, oop!" He grinned idiotically and held up his hand toward Louis for a high-five. The black man simply glared back at him.

"They're girls who've been killed at that all-girls school," Louis stated firmly. "Now put your hand down, foo, 'fore I beat your lily-livered _ass _with it!"

"Right. Sorry." David quickly lowered his hand and meekly turned back to his work. Louis snatched up his pictures and began stomping to the door.

"Those ARE your hoes, aren't they?" Julia asked quietly.

"Of COURSE they are," Louis whispered back, winking. "I'm jus' messing with him." Behind them, David's shoulders shook with silent sobs.

-Back With Kai and Riku-

Kai and Riku had accompanied Mui and the rest of the children back home to their orphanage/family-home type place (with a short trip to the hospital to care for the critically injured wussy little brats, or so Kai described them). The sullen-faced children (well, sullen-faced so far as could be seen behind the massive amounts of bandages and band-aids, anyway) were forced to watch as Kai capered before them, trying to impress them with his 'newfound dancing skillz'. It wasn't working very well.

"_Ooooh_! Startin' the lawnmower!" Kai sang, whipping an arm up and over his head again and again. "Now, pushin' the shoppin'-cart! _Oooh_! You can't STOP this!"

"…You suck!" A particularly brave little boy with a broken arm called out from the crowd.

"Who the _bleep_ said that?" Kai asked dangerously, glaring at the huddle of kids, which chose to remain silent. "What, no takers? Alright then, hands up for how many thought I was hot, or _smokin'_ hot!"

A bottle suddenly flew from the crowd and cracked him between the eyes.

"That does it!" Kai roared. "Time for another round of baseball, bitches!"

"_Aaaaaaaaugh_!" The children scattered once again, albeit a bit slower and… _limpier_ than last time.

"So, Mui," Riku said, desperately trying to ignore his brother and the subsequent screams of pain, "how did you lose your leg?"

"I stepped on a mine," Mui told him, staring sadly at her stump.

"Wow, really?" Riku asked softly.

"Heck, _no_!" Mui burst out laughing. "Clay Aiken touched it, so I had my leg chopped off and mounted on the wall! Look, it's right over there!" She pointed to a plaque sitting over the mantle, where indeed her leg was nailed to a piece of wood and underneath it read: 'The Leg That Clay Aiken Touched'.

"Okay, _that's_ messed up," Riku stated matter-of-factly.

"What would _you_ do if New York from Flavor of Love touched your arm?" Kai butted in.

"Eat it," Riku responded immediately.

"EAT it?" Mui repeated dubiously. "WHY?"

"Because," Riku explained, "then it would be a part of me. _Forever_." He smiled dreamily and rubbed his belly.

"Okay, that's even MORE messed up," Mui said.

There was a knock on the door, and a man entered, handing over a bottle of medicine to Mui. Riku gawked at it curiously.

"Hey, what's that?" He asked.

"Oh, nothing," the man replied innocently. "Just her medicine." Then he turned to the side and continued in a sinister whisper. "Just her medicine, _indeed_! If only she knew it would turn her into an unfeeling and uncaring monster who craves human flesh and blood! _Huwahahahaha_!" He paused and glanced back at the others, blinking several times. "It appears I've spoken the last few sentences aloud. Please forget everything I've just said."

"Okay!" Everyone sang cheerfully as the man got the hell out of there. Man, they're idiots…

-Later That Night-

Riku lay on the itchy straw mat on the floor and reflected on his day. It had been quite pleasant, despite the little orphan brats devouring Kai's precious chocolate walrus and incurring his wrath yet again. Riku had to admit, it was nice here. No starving men in suits yelling at him to get out of the way, no chiropterans shrieking for blood, just… _peaceful_. In fact, he was seriously considering-

"Crispin!" Kai gurgled, rolling over in his sleep and smacking his lips. "Come on, do the voice I love! You know which one!"

"Ugh, not again…" Riku sighed and heaved himself up and to his feet. The urgent need to void his bladder suddenly hit him like a sack of bricks, and he quickly tottered to the door and out the bedroom. "Oof! Gotta pee. Toilet, toilet!"

"Riku? Why are you up?" Riku halted in his search for the louve and turned round to find Mui standing on the porch, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Can you hear that strange sound, too?"

"Um…yes?" Come to think of it, Riku _could_ hear a weird sound on the edge of his hearing, but he had more important things to worry about right now.

"So you can, too!" Mui exclaimed. "I wonder- what're you _doing_?"

Riku couldn't hold his urine anymore, and so had to do with a potted plant on the corner of the porch.

"Hold on, I'm almost done!" Riku called back to her over his shoulder. "Gaah! It _burns_!"

From a van parked a few blocks away, Mr. Argeno and his henchmen were watching the two kids with interest.

"Hmm…intriguing!" A cohort mumbled. "That's the girl we've been giving the drug to, Mr. Argeno, and…" his voice trailed off as he turned to his superior and found him gawking at the screen, a look of sheer amazement on his face.

"Mon _diue_," he breathed, eyes glued to the screen, "how much did zhat boy _drink_?! He's _still_ going!"

"Sir," the cohort said firmly, "_please_ pay attention. That sound is special. It can only be heard by stupid, annoying minor characters who- you're not even _listening_!"

"But it'z been _thirty_ seconds already!" Mr. Argeno insisted, checking his watch. "Zhat's got to be some kind of une _record_!"

"SIR!!!"

-The Next Morning-

The next day at the orphanage-type-place, Kai chased the kids (who were all pretty much in braces and wheelchairs by this time) outside for another invigorating game of 'Kill the Kid'. Riku quickly slipped away and found Mui practicing on her piano. It was beautiful! She sounded like a pro, her fingers easily hitting the correct keys, her eyes closed with concentration – it was amazing! Riku was quite impressed.

"Alright," Mui said with determination. "Now it's MY turn." She leaned over and pressed the 'stop' button on the boom-box, then turned back to the piano and began to play.

_PlinkplonktingPINGplongplong"SONOFA-!!"_

"Shoulda known…" Riku sighed, rolling his eyes. "You stink at that, Mui!" He told her. "Why do you even bother?'

"Hey," Mui snapped at him, "it's either this, or help my stupid parents, so piss off."

"MUI!" One of the orphanage helper's burst in, a look of urgency on her face. "Terrible news! Your parents are-"

"Dead?" Mui finished hopefully.

"No," the lady corrected. "They've been cast in a new Tim Allen movie!"

"Well, that's not much better!" Mui cried, jumping up (er, _hobbling_ up) and sobbing out of the room. Riku stood there like an idiot until the lady lost her temper and shoved him after the one-legged girl.

"Do I _have_ to?" Riku whined.

"Yes!" The lady barked. "Now GO!"

"Buh-"

"GOOOOOO!"

"Okay, okay!" Riku dashed after Mui and found her crying in one of the outside streets of the city. He shuffled up to her and patted her shoulder, hoping to comfort her sorrow. "Don't worry," he said nervously. "Maybe it won't be _that_ bad! Maybe it won't be like The Santa Claus 3 or The Shaggy Dog!"

"No it won't! It'll be horrible!" Mui sobbed, jerking away from him. "My parents are gonna have to- _ohmygodRiku_!" She gasped and screeched to a halt in front of a store window. "Buy me that, will you?"

"What, that metal detector?" Riku asked, peering inside the store.

"Heck, NO!" Mui guffawed. "I mean what's next to it!"

"…The Playstation 3?!"

"Hellz, _yeah_!" Mui gave him doe eyes. "Come on, please?"

"You don't even have a television!" Riku pointed out.

"Well, at least I can _pretend_ to play it!" Mui begged. "Please, please, please!"

"No!" Riku said firmly. "I'm buying you that metal detector so you can help your parents! And why am I buying you stuff? What am I, your pimp?!"

Elsewhere, Louis's head snapped up and he narrowed his eyes.

"I…I sense a disturbance in the force…" he whispered.

"What?" David asked.

"I said go eat something!"

Anyway, back to Riku and Mui.

"You're no fun!" Mui pouted as Riku quickly bought her the metal detector and shoved it (and her) into a taxi going back to her crappy little village.

"_Bastaaaaaard_!" She howled out the window as the car sped off.

"Hey, what's up?" Kai asked, appearing behind his brother.

"Nothing much," Riku sighed. "Come on, let's go."

"Wait a minute…" Kai checked his watch and gasped. "Crap! We can't end this now! We still have a couple pages to fill! Come on, let's go bug Mui some more!"

"Alright!" Riku linked arms with his brother as they skipped down the road.

-At Mui's Village-

Kai and Riku had tracked Mui down until they found her at a small village filled with straw huts and the like. They could see Mui down in the fields, sweeping her metal detector back and forth with a sour look on her face. She glanced up, spotted Riku, and stormed over.

"This is all your fault!" She fumed, jabbing the metal detector into Riku's shins. "Nerd alert! Nerd alert! It's off the charts!"

"Ow, stop it!" Riku complained.

"I could be playing Playstation 3-"

"_Pretending_ to play Playstation 3!" Riku corrected.

"Whatever!" Mui barked. "But instead I'm stuck in these muddy fields looking for land mines to sell for scrap metal! I can't wait for my _other_ leg to be blown off! Then I'll flip up on my hands and punch you right in the _nuts_!" She whirled around and stomped off (as well as she could toting a metal detector and crutch at the same time).

"_Eeesh_," Kai muttered, "she's sure got a bad case of 'the bitch'."

"KAI!"

-That Night-

Kai and Riku lay side-by-side in Mui's small hut, ready for bed. Riku glanced at his brother and began a long, well-thought-out speech.

"Kai," he began, "this experience, I feel, has…helped me mature. I dunno, I feel wiser, older, smarter! I…I want to help find Saya, you know? This family means everything to me, especially-"

_Snooooooooooore!_

Kai was quite unconscious at the moment.

"Why you!" Riku jumped up and glared down at his brother. "This'll teach you to ignore me!" He kneeled down and stealthily placed his brother's hand in a bowl of warm water. "Muahahahaha! Oh, crap!" He accidentally dunked his own hand in the liquid, too. "Aww! Now _I_ have to pee, too! Dammit!" He rushed out of the hut, searching for a suitable restroom.

"Riku?"

"Oh, Mui!" Riku wasn't surprised to find Mui outside, too. "Were you going for a walk?" Mui glared. "Er, sorry. Bad choice of words. Anyway, where's the bathroom?"

"Can you hear it?" Mui asked, cupping her ears. "It's that sound again!"

"Look, I don't _care_," Riku grumbled. "I just want a pot or something to deposit my urine into before I lose control of my bodily functions and-"

"_Gotcha_!" Strange men leapt from the shadows and clapped chloroform-soaked cloths over Mui and Riku's faces. They passed out and the men began hauling them to a nearby truck.

"_Ewww_! This little brat just pissed all over me!"

"You don't wanna know what this one did." Another replied. "Maybe we shoulda just knocked 'em out the easy way?"

"Riku?" Kai asked sleepily, stumbling out of Mui's hut and scratching his ass. "Where'd you go? And why are you pants all wet? I- _ohmyGOD_!" His eyes went wide with shock and he gasped aloud. "These flowers are _beautiful_!" He knelt beside a small vase of flowers and admired them. "They would look great in- _dearlordRIKU_!!!" He gasped again, a look of horror on his face. "You got mud all over Mui's mat! You messy little brat!" He huffily dusted off the mat.

"Hey, you freaking idiot!" The men in the truck roared. "We're stealin' your stupid little brother over here!"

"…Oh. Right." Kai blinked and cleared his throat. "_STOOOOOOP_! In the name of love! Before you break my-"

"Head?" A bad guy finished, cracking Kai over the head with his own baseball bat (oh, the irony!). He collapsed to the ground, and the men all high-fived one another. "Alright, mission accomplished!"

-Elsewhere-

"Oh, _yeah_," Okamura breathed, winking at the camera. "It's my time to shine, now! This anime's _real_ hero is back on the screen!"

"Honey," his aged mother called from the other room, "stop being an ass and just say your lines. All _two_ of them."

"I was gonna do it, mom! Just shut up!" Okamura snapped, cheeks flushing. "God, I hate you! Why won't you just _die_?!"

"Because God finds it amusing to let me linger on in this world and torment you," his mother replied. "Now get outta my house, you jobless moocher! What are you, forty years old, and you're _still_ living with your mama! Get a life!"

"I'm going, you crazy old hag!" Okamura spat, snatching the door open and taking a step out. "I hope God feels sympathy for me while I'm gone and kills you in the most inhuman and possibly painful death imaginable! Love ya!" He added sweetly, closing the door as he left.

-Episode 9 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: _Sigh_… I'm still not satisfied with this chapter. Sure, there's a few funny parts, but there's so much suckitude in everything else…_bleagh_! Sorry if you're disappointed. There just better be more Saya in the next episode, or so help me God, I'll do…_nothing_! …Yeah. Chew on _that_! Anyway, thanks for reading, and have a nice New Years Eve! Review, please!


	10. Episode 10: I Want To Meet You

Author's Note: Oh, yeah! Double-digits, baby! Can I get a what, what? _Does a little dance. _Okay, sorry. It's just that I'm officially…one-fifth done? That right? I hate math. Anyway, there was much more Saya in this episode (thank _God_!) so I didn't have nearly as many problems with this one than before. Whew! Well, anyway, enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 10

I Want To Meet You

Mr. Argeno was bored.

He had no evil schemes to carry out at the moment, and all his French friends were Frenching it up back in France. All his cohorts found him 'stupid' and 'unbearably stupid' and refused to spend any time with him other than sitting in the van working on their computers. The lousy Japanese jerks.

Mr. Argeno eyed the phone. Suddenly, an idea struck him. He scooped the phone up, cradled it on his shoulder, and quickly punched a combination of buttons.

_Ring, Ring_!

"What?" A voice answered snappily.

"Bonjour, Jackie!" Mr. Argeno said pleasantly. "How are you?"

"…What?" Karl growled into the phone. "Who the hell is this?"

"You been kicking ass lately?" Mr. Argeno went on. "How's Chris Tucker? I went to see your new movie, Rush Hour-"

"MR. ARGENO!" Karl roared through the line. "For the last time, I'm _not_ freakin' Jackie Chan! I'm Karl, a chevalier, _so stop calling me_!" There was a brief pause. "I don't have anytime minutes."

"Ohh, _really_?" Mr. Argeno asked in disappointment. "Zhat it so _sad_! Zhen you should switch to Verizon Wireless! It has a great plan, and-"

_Click!_

"How RUDE!" Mr. Argeno gasped, glaring at the phone. "Well, if zhat's how you want it to be, I can play zhis game all _night_, bi-otch!" He began dialing Karl's number again. You can see where this is going.

-The Next Day, At The School-

Back at the all-girl's school of hip-hop and rap, a pair of students walked down the hall, chatting about the upcoming trip to Hanoi, Vietnam's capital.

"Girlfriend," one was saying, "let's hit the bars once we get to Hanoi! I can't wait to get totally _smashed_ and then humiliate myself in front of-"

"_Saya check_!" Karl (the school's chairman) popped out of the bushes and scrutinized the two girls closely. "Bah, neither of you are her. Begone!" He huffed and strode past them irritably. He hadn't gotten a wink of sleep last night thanks to Mr. Argeno (even after unplugging his phone, the Frenchman sent bottled letters crashing through his windows into the wee hours of the night. The man was utterly _insufferable_) and was in a foul mood.

"…Wasn't that Jackie Chan?" One of the girls whispered to the other.

"Oh, Saya! Where _are_ you?" Karl whimpered sadly, gazing up at the sky.

On the other side of the school, Saya shuddered reflexively.

"What the heck was _that_?" She wondered to herself – until she shuddered again. Glancing over her shoulder, she found Min (who was confined to a wheelchair due to Miss Lee's disregard for other people's chesticular areas) tickling her back with a feather. "HEY! Stop that! Get away! Breach of contract! Breach of _freakin'_ contract!"

Haji immediately jumped out from behind a potted plant and tackled the clingy girl to the floor, wheelchair and all.

"Get away from Saya!" He hollered, then looked up at his mistress worryingly. "Are you okay? Did she touch you?" He hesitated. "Please tell me she did."

_Whack_!

"I have to get to class!" Saya barked, storming off down the hall. Min struggled with the twisted wreckage of her wheelchair, trying to get it to move. Haji just watched.

"Dammit! It won't budge! I'll be late for class!" Min cried despair.

"Oooh…tough luck!" Haji patted her shoulder. "You'd better start crawling!"

-In Class-

From the moment Saya walked through the door, she knew something was up. All the other girls immediately hushed and began staring at her intently. She slowly walked past the silent girls to her desk, where she stopped and glanced back at them. Saya just couldn't resist.

"BOO!"

"_Aaaaaaaugh_!" All the girls jumped back in fright.

"Ha, ha! Got you, bitches!" Saya chortled. "Now turn the _bleep_ around!" As the girls cowered away, Saya threw herself into her desk and immediately regretted out. "OW! My ass!" She jumped back up and found that she'd sat on a lovely blue rose that must have been placed on her seat by someone. "The hell is _this_?" She wondered, snatching up the flower and glaring at it.

"_Oooh_!" A girl sang. "Saya's got an admirer! I bet it's the Phantom!"

"Why can't _I_ have a psychotic killer in love with _me_?" Annemarie whined.

Saya wasn't listening. Instead, she sat back down in her desk and held out the rose.

"Haji!" She snapped.

"Yes, Saya?" Haji asked from his hiding place underneath her desk.

"Eat this rose!" Saya ordered.

"But…but the thorns-" Haji began to protest.

"Are good for you," Saya interrupted impatiently. "They'll clean your colon. Now do it!"

"Oh, alright," Haji sighed, taking the flower and devouring it with some difficulty.

"…Haji?"

"Yes, Saya?"

"…What the hell are you doing down there, anyway?"

-Lunchtime!-

Horray! It's lunchtime again at the all-girl's school. Saya used this time to eat her own lunch, then wander around the cafeteria, scarfing up the remnants of all the others girl's meals. It was the only way for her to actually feel _full _after eating. And all the girls were too terrified to say no, anyway.

"Oh, like you were gonna eat it, anyway!" Saya scoffed when one girl protested. "Don't you want to lose weight or something?" She glanced at the girl's rail-thin body.

"Well, no-"

"Of course you do! Now gimme your food." Saya halted at Annemarie's table and leaned over to take a loud slurp from the snotty girl's beverage, then immediately spat it back up over her lap. "Ew! _Pepsi_?! I gotta have my Coca Cola!"

"Why did _she_ get the blue rose?!" Annemarie wailed. "It's just not FAIR!"

-That Night-

Saya, once again using her all-powerful 'main character senses', was able to figure out that the strange garden that lay on the other side of a large gorge on the side of the school was _mighty_ suspicious. Gee, you think? She resolved to somehow get over there and check the place out for blue roses and the like.

Saya waited until Min was asleep, then knocked her out with a strike to the temple just to be sure. After disarming all the 'Saya-Traps' her creepy roommate had set up, she snuck down the darkened halls of the school and out the building until she stood before the abyss and faraway garden.

"Hmm…" Saya narrowed her eyes at the offending pit and snapped her fingers. Haji immediately appeared at her side. "Haji, get me over that pit!" She ordered.

"Yes, mistress." Haji replied dutifully. Reaching over, he plucked Saya from the ground and held her in his arms. After several long moments of waiting, Saya decided to speak up.

"So…we gonna jump?"

"Huh?" Haji blinked. "Jump?"

"_Jump_," Saya said, a bit firmer this time. "You gonna jump and carry me across the pit?"

"Pit?" Haji looked even more confused than before. "What pit?"

"The one right in front of us, idiot!" Saya barked, losing her patience. "The one you're gonna help me get over by picking me up and jumping across! So are you gonna jump or not?!"

"Oh, _heavens_ no," Haji responded, sounding aghast. "I can't even make it over by _myself_, let alone with _your_ weight added to the mix."

"Then why did you-"

"_Mmm_…" Haji's eyes were closed as he held Saya tightly in his arms. "This feels so…_right_."

"Okay, put me down, jackass!"

"But I'm gonna get you to the other side of the pit!" Haji promised.

"If you can't jump across _with_ me," Saya ground out, "then how do you plan-"

Haji lifted Saya up, over his head, positioning her like an arrow toward the faraway gate over the gaping chasm.

"Oh, HELL no," Saya whispered.

"Oh, hell YES," Haji corrected, then hurled her across the pit. Luckily, she landed in one of the thorn-bushes and so didn't injure her head or body, just her dress and pride.

"Haji, you-" Saya began to curse, flailing from the thorny bush, then blinked when she didn't see her man-slave across the pit. Instead, he was right next to her! "How the hell did you get over here so damn fast? I thought you said you couldn't jump that!"

"Oh, I couldn't," Haji agreed. "I just found the cutest little bridge, hidden in the bushes back there. You should see it, it really saved me some time-" The rest of his sentence was cut short as Saya grabbed hold of his collar and yanked him close.

"Listen," she hissed, "don't EVER throw me like that again or I'll effing KILL you. Got it?"

"Well, you got across, didn't you?" Haji meekly pointed out.

"Don't change the subject!!" Saya shoved him back, whirled on her heel, and stormed toward the garden whilst mumbling expletives under her breath. Haji watched her go with a dreamy look in his eye.

"She's so cute when she's angry…" he murmured, then dutifully followed her inside.

In the garden were dozens of bushes of (surprise!) blue roses. So this is where that blue rose (that Haji had eaten) had come from! Upon further inspection, the two found a small cellar with a ladder descending into disturbing darkness. Saya hesitated at the top, then looked at Haji.

"You first," she ordered.

"I'll be able to see up your skirt," Haji sweetly indicated.

"Okay, fine! _I'll_ go first!" Saya huffed and placed her foot on the first rung.

"Great!" Haji agreed. "That way you'll get a fabulous view of _my_ sweet ass!"

"JUST GO ALREADY!" Saya roared, grabbing her man-slave by the hair and throwing him down the hole. Hurriedly clambering down the ladder, she reached the bottom just as Haji staggered back to his feet and dusted himself off. At the bottom of the cellar was an iron gate, and beyond was a strangely curious metal container.

"_Oooh_! What's in it, what's in it?" Saya wondered excitedly, staring at the container in wonderment.

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" Haji asked smugly.

"Haji?! You know?!" Saya whirled around and faced him. "Tell me, please! I'll…I'll let you touch my butt! I promise!"

"SOLD!" Haji cried. "Alright, listen! Inside that container is-"

"Who's in here?!" A vicious, uptight voice that could only belong to Miss Lee called down the ladder. "Come out now, or I'm-a smoke ya, play-ah!" The nosey headmaster had arisen from the shadows, pulling out a 9 and lookin' ready to bust a cap.

"Oh, crud!" Saya hissed. "It's Miss Lee!"

"Want me to kill her?" Haji asked.

"Yes!" Saya responded instantly. "I mean, no! Just HIDE me!"

"What, like, _sit_ on you?"

"NO!! That's not what I meant!!"

Despite Saya and Haji's loud whispers, Miss Lee had lost interest and so shrugged and wandered away, humming DMX's 'Party Up In Here'. Saya hurried up the ladder, followed closely by Haji.

"_Ooooh_! Sailor Moon panties!"

"SHUT UP!" Saya snarled, face bright red. "I'm getting my ass outta here!"

"Yeah, your Sailor Moon wearing ass- _gwaaaagh_!" Saya lost her temper and kicked Haji back down the ladder, then scurried up and slammed the door to the cellar closed.

"You stay in there until you learn to behave!" She growled, then stormed away to change her embarrassing panties. Haji pressed his face against the door's bars and sighed.

"She's so cute when she's on a murderous rampage…"

-The Next Day, in Hanoi!-

Saya and her classmates were now in Vietnam's capital, Hanoi, for a field trip. Most of the girls were hitting the bars and tattoo parlors, leaving Saya to find a suitable hiding place and phone David to update him on the current situation.

"-and that Min is one crazy psycho! I think she cut off a bit of my hair while I was sleeping last night – I _swear_ one side is shorter! And there's also this other girl, Annemarie, who I am five minutes away from whuppin' her-"

"Saya," David interrupted from the other line, "are you going to talk about the monsters?"

"Why do you think I'm talking about Annemarie for?" Saya replied tactfully. David sighed and leaned back in his chair. In the same room, Julia had changed back to her normal, revealing clothes and was enjoying it immensely.

"Yes! Yes, ladies! Kiss the air!" She fanned her bosoms with her hands and gave David a coy look. "Mind if I go topless?"

"I don't!" Louis cheerily volunteered from the bed, raising a hand.

"Julia, I'm on the phone!" David said firmly, shoving a hand in her face to quiet her. "Saya, please continue."

"Anyway," Saya went on, "that Phantom seemed different, like he was smarter, faster, stronger! …And a whole lot more perverted. Almost on the same level as Haji!"

"Hmm…" David's eyes narrowed. "Chevalier…"

"Bless you," Louis said, glancing up at David.

"Shut up," David shot back. "Anyway, Saya, make sure to shower regularly, don't litter, and if you have sex, use protection."

"WHAT?!" Saya sputtered into the phone.

"Hey, I've taken over George's 'dad duties'," David grunted. "Live with it."

"Does that include the man-whoring?"

"That's _none_ of your business, young lady!" David snapped. "Now make lots of friends, honey! Kiss, kiss!" He made kissing noises into the phone, then hung up. Saya stared at her phone, slightly disturbed.

"Weirdo…" she muttered, putting her phone away.

"_Saaaaaaya_!" Min called eerily. "Where aaaare you? I can smell your fear!"

"_Gaah_!" Saya threw herself to the ground and scuttled away before Min could find her.

-Meanwhile…-

"Chevalier…" Julia murmured.

"God, what, is there a cold going around?!" Louis cried, slapping his hand over his mouth and backing away from her and David. "You two stay away from me! I don't wanna catch it!"

"No!" David explained. "A 'chevalier' is a protector of Diva, which might be in that container Saya saw. We need to sneak back into that school again! _Hmm_…" He pursed his lips and slowly withdrew the blond wig from his jacket.

"NO, David," Julia said firmly.

"No?" David whimpered.

"No," Julia sighed.

"Hey, I wouldn't mind!" Louis chuckled, holding up his new camera.

"You're not helping any!"

At about the same time, Okamura (the reporter) was busy speaking to a man inside a restaurant.

"Hi!" He began pleasantly, "I'd like to sneak into an elite, all-girls hip-hop and rap school so I can take some incriminating photos of the girls for-" Okamura paused and mulled this over. "Um, that didn't sound too good. Maybe I'd better start over again." Too late.

"Oh…my…_GOD_!" The other man gasped in horror. "Pervert alert! Police!"

"What?! A pervert?!" Cries sounded from inside the restaurant. "Get him!"

"Aw, crap!" Okamura snatched up his camera and ran for the door. "This is gonna be harder than I thought!"

-Back With Saya-

While the girls were in Hanoi on the field trip, Miss Lee found it fit to take them to a Jay-Z concert instead of a Vietnam war museum, telling them that the Vietnam was was 'so fifty years ago' and Jay-Z was 'hot shit.'

"See, girls?" Miss Lee addressed the small group of girls crowded in amongst the cheering and jumping audience as Jay-Z rapped onstage. "If you're lucky, you'll be able to make it in the rap industry…by becoming one of Flavor Flav's baby mama's."

"_Ouuuurgh_!" Saya doubled over, clutching her stomach. "I think I'm gonna puke!"

"Whoa, whoa! Annemarie's _that_ way!" Min warned, aiming Saya in the right direction. She staggered and wobbled, barely able to stand. As Saya's head spun and her stomach churned, strange and disturbing visions of her past began to assault her mind. They were of Vietnam, where, years earlier, she'd mercilessly killed villagers and chiropterans alike. The horror! Then, even worse, was the time when she'd…voted for _Sanjaya_ on American idol! Dear _lord_, have mercy on her sinful soul!

"_Noooo_!" Saya howled aloud. "It was a moment of weakness! It was his pony-hawk! It _made_ me do it! I'm innocent! _Innooooceeeeent_!"

"You alright, Saya?" Min asked meekly. Saya stared at her for several seconds, then punched her across the face, dropping the girl like a sack of potatoes. _Crazy_ potatoes.

"_That_ was for cutting my hair!" Saya yelled at her unconscious body. "I _know_ it was you!"

"Actually," another girl butted in, "I just think you just slept on it funny."

"…Really?" Saya patted her hair and found that, indeed, it was normal length, just sticking up a bit on one side. "_Oh_." She glanced down at Min's prone body and burst into tears. "I'm a _monster_!" She whirled around, tears blurring her vision, and ran out of the concert hall wailing at the top of her voice. Miss Lee was too busy flashing Jay-Z to notice her absence.

For block after block, Saya ran, sobbing her heart out and desperately gasping for breath. She bumped into people heedlessly (and some on purpose, like Okamura), running blindly down the street with no clear destination or purpose. She was still plagued with the visions of her past; the blood, the fires, the Sanjaya-

"Hey, ice-cream!" Saya screeched to a halt in front of an ice-cream vendor. Wiping the tears and snot from her face, she quickly ordered a large five-scoop ice-cream and devoured it in a matter of seconds. "Yummy! Thanks!" She tossed some money at the owner, whipped up some fresh tears, and continued on her way down the street, sobbing and gasping some more. As she passed by a suspiciously darkened alley, something caught her eye and she stopped once again.

"Hey! Alicia Keys's new album!" Saya cried happily, ducking into the alley with no hesitation. "Sah-_weet_!" Only once she'd gotten to the _obvious_ bait did she realize it was a fake.

"Hahaha! Gotcha!" A voice rang out, and Saya turned to find the Phantom grinning down at her from the alley rooftop.

"…Got me, how?" She asked.

"I dunno. I didn't think you were dumb enough to fall for it." The Phantom shrugged. "Oh, well. Onto the gropeage!"

"Hee-_yaah_!" As the Phantom leapt toward her, Saya drew back a leg and nailed him as hard as she could in the crotch. Nothing happened.

"I'm wearing an iron codpiece," the Phantom stated pleasantly.

"Oh," Saya replied. "_Crap_." The Phantom took a step forward. Saya took a deep breath. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

"Get away from Saya!" Haji, responding to Saya's call, appeared and shoved the Phantom back, then tossed Saya her sword. "It's one thing when another girl feels her up, but gosh_darn_ it, you're a _guy_, and that's just _sick_!" He fluidly drew a tiny dagger (oh, boy) and stabbed at the Phantom.

"Sorry," the Phantom told him apologetically, "but I don't have an itch right now."

"Oh, okay." Haji immediately chucked his tiny knife over his shoulder. "Hey, wait just a-"

"Idiot!" The Phantom laughed, punching him backwards through a wall. _Ouch_.

"Don't worry," Haji's muffled voice called. "I'm alright!" Then the roof above him creaked ominously as it and tons of rock also fell on him. "…Okay, _that_ one hurt a little." The Phantom smirked, then turned his sights on Saya, who gasped, still not ready to fight him head on with her sword.

"Stop! Get back!" She warned, pulling out a can of pepper-spray. "I'll mace you!" When the Phantom took yet another step forward, Saya hit the button…and sprayed herself in the face. "Aaaaagh! Ack! Bleeech! My mother-_bleep_ing eyes!" Saya dropped the empty can and rubbed her eyes, which were now blood red.

"Don't you remember?" The Phantom asked her. "Don't you remember that night in Vietnam? When we-"

"Had sex?!" Saya finished with horror-filled disgust.

"Goodness, _no_," the Phantom corrected. "I would have called you! You see, I'm talking about-"

Suddenly another horde of visions hit Saya, of her wonderful, stupid brothers and man-whore of a father. Rage filled her, and she quickly drew her sword and hacked off the Phantom's right arm in one fluid swing.

"Well, _that_ was rude," the Phantom stated. "I was in the middle of talking, too!"

"Oops!" Saya said sweetly, kicking his dismembered appendage. "Looks like I'm more than you can…_hand-_le. Tee hee hee!"

"Not you, too!" The Phantom wailed.

"Haji!" Saya cried. "Heel!" Immediately her humble man-slave leapt from the twisted wreckage of the wall and landed at her side. "Good boy!" She gave him a treaty and patted his head.

"Damn!" The Phantom suddenly realized things were going very badly for him. "I'm getting outta here!" He leapt for the rooftop and glared down at Saya and Haji. Pulling off his mask with a flourish, he whirled around and showed his true identity to them. "Hahaha! Surprised?!" He cried mockingly. "I am-"

"Jackie Chan?!" Haji gasped in shock.

"No, idiot!" Saya barked, elbowing him in the gut. "He's the chairman from the all-girl's school!"

"Oh." Haji went quiet. "But you gotta admit, he does look like-"

"That's it! I can't stand it anymore!" Karl, or the Phantom, whichever, burst into tears. "I'm _leaving_!" He turned and did exactly that. Saya and Haji could do nothing but watch him disappear into the darkness.

"Well," Saya sighed, sheathing her sword, "at least I didn't get molestered this time."

"Or _did_ you?" Haji taunted, leaning closer. "Honk, honk!" He gave her hiney a squeeze. Saya stood stock still, giving him the death glare.

"Haji," she said in a dangerously soft tone.

"Yes?"

"Start running."

"Aww, horseballs."

-Episode 10 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood+.

Author's Note: Whee! That was fun. A lot easier than last time, anyway. And I'm quite satisfied with it, too. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did! My favorite parts are Haji hiding under the desk, and holding Saya. Don't really know why…I just think they're really funny! Bad news – I have a cold, so it might be a bit longer than a week before I'm able to update again. Plus, me and my sister are moving back to the dorms next week, so the next chapter may be a little late because I'll be busy. Sorry! Read and review, please!


	11. Episode 11: After the Dance

Author's Note: Alrighty, here's the next one. Sorry it's a little late, I was feeling crappy most of last week, then busy the rest. Well, I'm back at school now, but I don't know if this will affect my Blood Minus writing. It might take longer to get them up, or it might not change at all – I really don't know yet. Well, we'll see, I guess. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 11

After the Dance

In the basement deep below the school, the Phantom otherwise known as Karl otherwise known (to his irritation) as Jackie Chan stood before the curious metal container that so intrigued our heroes. Raising a hand (insert joke of your own here), he gently caressed the smooth, cool metal of the box for some strange, unknown reason. Actually, I'm pretty sure I _don't_ want to know the reason, whatever it is.

"That's sexual harassment," the container stated matter-of-factly.

"_What the_-?!" Karl took a step back in shock.

"I could have you incarcerated!" The container went on. "So just keep your pervy hands to yourself, mister!" It paused, then coughed. "Er…_hand_."

"Okay, this is bull-_bleep_," Karl growled. "First the Frenchie, then Saya, now a mother-_bleep_ing container?! _Damn_, I wish Saya was here so I could sexually harass _her_!"

-With Saya-

Saya, who at that exact same moment was laying on her bed in her dorm room, shuddered involuntarily.

"Dammit, again?" She muttered, rubbing the goose-bumps that'd appeared on her arms. "And this time it isn't Min! It's gotta be that gross Phantom-Karl-Jackie Chan guy! I bet there isn't anyone else in the world creepier than him!"

"_Sayaaaaaaa_!" Min sang, leaping out of nowhere and belly-flopping onto her roommate's bed with majestic grace.

"I lay corrected," Saya sighed, then took a deep breath. "_Auuuuuuuuuugh_!" She screamed into Min's face until her breath failed her and the cry petered out. She panted for several moments, then glared at Min. "WHAT?!"

"Help me pick out a dress to wear to the dance party tonight!" Min pleaded, batting her eyelashes sweetly. Saya grunted.

"I think _that_ one suits you best," she muttered, gesturing at the straight-jacket Saya herself had special-ordered for Min after the second time of waking up to find the creepy girl had _mysteriously_ migrated to her bed.

"Oh, you're so _funny_!" Min giggled. "But I don't have any shoes that go with it. Anyway, since skinning you and making a dress from your lovely pale flesh it out of the question-"

"My lovely pale _what_?!" Saya sputtered.

"Er, I mean…" Min cleared her throat. "What are _you_ gonna wear?"

"Uh…" Saya thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't have a dress."

"Don't worry, you can wear one of mine!" Min suggested generously. "Here, try this one on!" Saya grumbled a bit more, but complied.

"…You _seriously_ think they'll let me wear this to the party?" Saya asked doubtfully, staring down at her outfit. She was clad head to toe in a tight, shiny black leather suit with a police cap perched on her head. Heck, she even had a leather whip coiled at her belt, and the short jacket she wore was open, revealing a good portion of her chest. Min just shrugged.

"No," she said truthfully, then whipped out a camera and snapped a quick shot of Saya in the outfit.

"Okay, time to change!" Saya said brightly, turning to do just that. She froze as she caught sight of Haji, pressed up against the windowpane and drooling buckets as he ogled her shamelessly. "And close the shades."

-That Night, At The Party-

That night, the dance party was held. All the guests gathered in ballroom, where loud, obnoxious techno music was blasted from speakers on the stage, and a DJ was busy scratchin' out rhythms and whatnot for the girl students to grind to. Others gathered around the tables, chatting it up with the men who were allowed to attend. Min stood off with a small group of girls, all in ball gowns and the like.

"Hey, where's Saya?" One girl asked, looking around the room.

"She said she'd be here," Min assured them. "I wonder if-"

_Crash_!

"Saya _HUNGRY_!"

"There she is!" Min looked over to where the loud bellowing was coming from and spotted Saya (in a lovely white evening dress, how cute!) attacking a group of partygoers for their food. Poor girl, she hadn't had a bite to eat in about, oh, five minutes. "Saya!" Min called. "Over here!" Saya stopped her assault on the group and stared blankly at her roommate, not moving.

Min held up a hotwing. Saya's eyes widened with delight, and she shot over.

"Oooh, _gimme_!"

"Saya!" The other girls cooed as she chowed down, "you look great!"

"I especially like your…uh…" One girl paused mid-sentence and hesitantly patted Saya's strangely bulging chest. "Geez, whatcha got in there, girlfriend?"

"Bagels," Saya replied.

"_Bagels_?"

"Yes, bagels," Saya repeated. The girls stared. "They're my emergency food stash, alright?! Back off! You're all just jealous because _you_ didn't think of it! And no, none of you bitches are getting any!"

_Wha-pissssh_!

A whip-crack sounded through the hall, followed by haughty laughter. Saya and the others turned to see Annemarie, in extravagant dress, being carried in on a golden palanquin. The snotty girl was lounging on the throne and fanning herself while several unfortunate girls bore the weight of the seat on their shoulders, grunting with exertion and slowly shuffling around the room.

"Faster, slaves! Faster!" Annemarie ordered, once again cruelly whipping the girls with a lash made from unicorn hairs (don't ask me where she got it). "Make my beautiful hair blow in the wind! Make my lovely dress ruffle in the breeze! _Faster_!"

"With a _fat_ ass like that, no _wonder_ it takes four girls to carry her!" Saya said, quite loud enough for Annemarie to hear.

"What was that, _peasant_?!"

"Nothing!" Saya said sweetly, then tripped one of the palanquin bearers, making all four girls collapse, the throne teeter, and Annemarie tumble off her perch and into the punch bowl. Ding, ding! Ten points!

"Hey, hey! Don't ruin the food!" Saya barked, yanking Annemarie out of the drink and gently righting the table. "What kind of sicko _are_ you?!" She turned, reached for a piece of pie, then stopped. "Oh, wait! I might stain your dress, Min!"

"Oh, it's al-" Min began to say.

"Well, if you insist!" Saya immediately dived head-first onto the table, grabbing all the food she could and kicking away any other guests who dared stray near her and her prey.

-Outside-

"Where's your invitation, sir?" A snobbish-looking man in a tux asked, turning his nose up at Okamura's disheveled hair and cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Plus he stank. Like hot garbage. "You cannot enter the party without one."

"Oh, I've got my invitation right _here_," Okamura said dangerously, holding up a tightened fist and shaking it under the man's nose. "As a matter of fact, I've got _five_ of them. Now lemme in."

"Oh, _really_?" The snooty man raised a prim eyebrow at the reporter. "Well, congratulations, sir! I've got a coupon for you. It's called the 'Bruno Coupon'." A monstrous-looking man whose muscles were close to bursting through his suit suddenly appeared behind him, leering down at Okamura. "The coupon works like this; you either leave now, or Bruno tears your effing head off! One day only!"

"Sounds good to me! I'll take it!" Okamura said cheerfully, then spun on his heel and skipped away down the road. Once out of sight of the two men, he burst into an all-out sprint and leapt mightily into a row of bushes. "Dammit! How the hell am I gonna get in there?! Freakin' sasquatch is guarding the…huh?"

He looked up curiously as a limo drove by – a limo with a large black man wearing sunglasses as the driver, and it sure as _hell_ wasn't Morgan Freeman drivin' Miss Daisy. …The rap music throbbing through the speakers and the spinners on the wheels might have given it away, too.

-Back Inside-

Back in the party room, Saya was polishing off her snack (as she called it) with the rest of the punch from the huge glass bowl.

"_Gluck, gluck_- gaah! _Bleeech_! Tastes like Annemarie!" Saya sputtered, wiping her mouth and gagging.

"Saya!" A deep voice called from behind.

"Huh?" Saya turned to find David and Julia, dressed to kill in fashionable evening-wear (well, Julia was dressed to whore it up, but you know what I mean). "Oh, hey Da- _HOLYEFFINGCRAPEXPOSEDNIPPLES_!" Saya shrieked, throwing herself backwards onto a table and away from Julia's near wardrobe malfunction. _Damn_, girl! Show off the goods, not the whole damn _store_!

"What is it?" David asked in confusion, glancing down at Julia's scandalously bare midriff. "I see nothing wrong." Julia frowned slightly at this and pulled her top open a little more. Saya staggered up from the ruined table, covering her poor, violated eyes with her hands and speaking in what she hoped was the direction the two were in.

"So, what're you guys doing here?" She asked.

"If anyone asks, looking for my lost puppy," David answered coolly. "Has Karl, the Phantom, showed up?"

"…Well, he's not the DJ, if that's what you-"

"Alright." David scowled. "Here's the plan. I'm gonna sneak into that basement place and check out the container. Julia, you-"

"Hop on the stage and do a sexy dance?" Julia suggested hopefully.

"…Actually, that's a good idea," David admitted.

"_Really_?" Julia brightened visibly.

"Yes, really." David paused. "It'll be a perfect distraction for everyone else while I'm gone. In the basement. And not here. Later!" Saya gently patted Julia's back, who slumped in defeat as David tip-toed off.

"Whoa! _Daaaamn_!" There was a sudden commotion on the other end of the room. Saya looked up to see girls cheering and whistling as a quite handsome young man in a white suit entered the ballroom.

"Aww, I thought it was Richard Simmons," Saya sighed, turning away and leaning against a wall. "_Bo-ring_!"

"He's so _fine_!" The girls whispered to one another, continuing to admire the attractive boy. "Drop me them digits, toots, so's I can phone ya! Baby got _back_!"

"Oh, you bitches!" The young man smiled and blew his audience a few kisses. "Hmm? What's this?" He suddenly noticed Saya, standing off to the side, _not_ paying him homage, and so began walking toward her.

"_Ohmigosh_! He's coming straight toward me!" Annemarie flushed (or it could have been the punch which now dyed her hair, dress, and skin pink, either way) and held out a hand for the boy to take. He barely paused, instead raising an eyebrow and snorting before brushing past the snotty girl.

"Bitch, _please_," he stated. "I've seen better weaves on a cabbage patch kid."

Saya was busy trying to figure out how to remove her precious bagels from the confines of her dress without exposing herself in public (she's not like Julia!), and so didn't notice the boy approaching her.

"Dammit! Almost!" Saya rifled around in her dress top, then winced in pain. "Ow! My titty! What are these things _made_ out of, volcanic rock?!"

"Would you like to dance?" Saya froze and looked up to see the handsome young man standing before her, holding out his hand expectantly. She weighed her choices.

"You got any food?" She asked after a moment.

"Well, I've got this half-eaten Snickers bar-"

"Good enough! _Let's dance_!" Saya grabbed the candy bar in one hand and the boy's shirt in the other, hauling him toward the dance floor. Jamming the bar in her mouth, she quickly spun around and placed her hands in the appropriate positions.

"So, what're we doing?" Saya asked. "The tango? The rumba?" She paused. "The booty-dance? What?"

"Um…let's just _dance_," the boy suggested, and the two took off. As Saya and the young man spun and skipped around the dance floor, knives pinged and panged all around them, just missing their marks.

"Dammit!" Haji hissed, peeking out from under a table and glaring at the boy holding his beloved Saya. "Stop moving, will you? Wait, maybe I can kill him with sheer _willpower_." He narrowed his eyes, screwed up his face, and gave a drawn-out grunt.

"Mmm…she smells like _bagels_…" The young man thought dreamily, twirling Saya around as they danced. Guess it didn't work, huh, Haji? Poor guy. Give him some chips or somethin'.

-Meanwhile, Down in the Basement-

Outside the bustling party, David crouched before the basement gates, carefully picking the lock and singing his own theme song as he did so. …What a dork.

"Dun dun…dun dun…" David hummed, intent on prying the lock open.

"David…" Louis said from the microphone in his ear, trying to get his attention.

"Dun da dun…da dun…"

"_David_…"

"DUN DUN DUNNNN!"

"_DAVID!!!!_" Louis hollered.

"_What_?!" David snapped back.

"The door's already open, man!"

"…Oh." David sheepishly eased the door open and slipped inside.

-Back Inside-

Back at the party, Saya was now hopping up and down in place as the young man watched her inquisitively.

"…What're you doing?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Trying to dislodge my bagels!" Saya answered, not stopping her hopping.

"…I _love_ you…" the young man stated, staring at Saya with eyes filled with utter devotion. …Or horniness.

"Solomon!" An annoying, French voice called out. "Zhere you are! Come now, time to go! Or as we say, _aller_!" Mr. Argeno came storming up and grabbed hold of the handsome young man (who we now know is called Solomon), tucking him under his arm and walking briskly away. Saya didn't really care – she wanted her bagels, and she wanted them NOW.

"Will you pleaze stop falling in love with every girl you see?!" Mr. Argeno snapped, glaring down at Solomon.

"Oh, I do n- _whoa_! Did you see that hottie?! She was a _fox_!"

"You see?!!" Mr. Argeno went on to spout several French expletives.

-Back With David-

David quietly closed the door to the basement and checked his immediate surroundings. Slowly withdrawing his gun, he snuck down the hallway, keeping to the shadows. And promptly began singing again.

"Dun da dun…dun dun…dun dun daaaa!" David ducked to the right, rolled from one side of the hall to another, skipped hopscotch, then slammed his back against the wall, sloooowly sliding forward as he looked up, down, everywhere for any signs of enemies. "Dun dun dunna dunnn-"

"David. There's no-one down there." Louis growled through the mic.

"I know," David replied. "Why do you think I'm doing this? Hee-yaah!" He jumped around the corner and leveled his gun in front of him. Before him sat the metal container that Saya had reported. "Diva…" David whispered.

"Gesundheit," Louis answered. "Geez, that cold will _not_ go away, huh?"

"Shut up!" David snapped, then pointed his gun at the container. "Alright, hands up! No quick movements! Lemme see them _hands_!"

-Aaaaand Back at the Party…Again-

"Mm…I love bagels…" Saya sighed, having finally wrested them free from her bosom and enjoying their stale-donut like taste. She was walking around with Min (voluntarily?!) outside the ballroom, under the starlit sky and soft breeze.

"What else you got in there?" Min asked, eying her chest.

"Nothing now," Saya sighed, munching up the last of her hidden treat. "I'll have to resort to cannibalism soon."

"Uh, bye!" Min wasn't crazy enough to not know when to run the hell away.

"Ohh, _stingy_!" Saya called after her. "I'd only want an arm or a leg!"

"How about a _hand_?" A sinister voice asked from the shadows. Saya gasped and whirled around to just see the Phantom dash past and down a darkened hallway.

"Phantom! Get back here, pervert!" Saya cried, running after him. Yeah, _real_ smart, Saya. Follow the pervert into a dark, secluded area. Geez…

"What's going on?!" Julia asked, running up (or rather, _bouncing_ up) alongside Saya.

"I just saw the- ENORMOUS BREASTS!!" Saya sputtered, losing her footing and falling down. Julia heaved a sigh and hastily pulled the top of her dress closed.

"Better?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, very," Saya answered, getting back to her feet. "I'm going after the Phantom! Where's Haji?"

"Right here!" Haji answered…from under Saya's skirts.

"Wha…_what the bleep are you doing…how the hell did you get under…GET OUT OF THERE_!!!" Saya exploded, kicking Haji out from under her dress and yanking off a heel to beat his head in with.

"I wasn't doing anything!" Haji protested. "I just needed a witty and humorous place to hide-"

"Oh, I'll just BET!" Saya growled, jumping at him.

"Save it, you two! GO!" Julia interrupted, grabbing them both by the collars and propelling them forward. The three of them followed the Phantom's trail toward the basement, where David was right at that moment! Uh-oh!

Speaking of David, he was quite screwed. Turns out the container was on the back of a truck, and the drivers weren't too happy to see him.

"I saw you! Come out, now!" One of the drivers barked, pointing a gun at David's hiding place.

"Damn! What do I do?!" David was sweating buckets. "What do I DO?!" Then he looked directly next to him and found Okamura standing there like an idiot.

"Hi," the reporter began pleasantly, "I'm trying to find-"

David grabbed him and flung him out in front of the truck.

"Reach for the sky!!" The driver with the gun ordered. Okamura quickly obeyed.

"I just wanted to take pictures of the _girls_!" He wailed.

"A pervert, eh?" The driver scowled in disgust. "You sicken me!" He pistol-whipped Okamura, who crumpled to the ground, unconscious. "Let's go!" He hopped back into the truck with his partner, and the vehicle began moving forward.

"STOP!" David cried, dramatically jumping into the light and blocking the truck's path.

"…Or, what?" The driver asked.

"Or…or I'll be really upset?" David finished lamely.

"David," Louis sighed in his ear, "you have a _gun_."

"Oh. Right!" David lifted his weapon and fired. Too late! The Phantom had leapt down from the shadows and easily blocked the bullets with his grotesque chiropteran-arm. "That's _cheating_!" David protested.

"And now it's time for a game over!" The Phantom hissed.

"Oh my God that was so lame-" David's insult was cut short as the Phantom sent him flying backwards with a strike. Saya, Julia, and Haji rounded the corner just in time to see him hit the wall with a brittle _crack_.

"David!" Julia cried in horror.

"Julia!" David weakly lifted his head and looked at her. "D is in the T! C the L!"

"…_What_?" Julia blinked in confusion. David heaved a sigh and looked at her crossly.

"Diva is in the truck," he explained tightly. "Call the Louis. Seriously, Julia, what's the use of having a secret code if you're not gonna use it?"

"_You're_ the one who wanted the dumb code in the first place!" Julia shot back. Then the Phantom stepped out of the shadows menacingly. "Stand back, Saya!" Julia said courageously. "I'll flash him!"

"Oh, like you're not doing it _already_!" Saya grumbled. "You get back!" She shoved Julia behind her and withdrew her sword.

"Actually, I'd rather it be Saya who-" the Phantom began.

"Shut your mouth!" Saya barked. Haji attacked from the side, hitting the Phantom squarely with his cello-case and sending him flying through a wall.

"That's for before!" He cried out vehemently. "See how _you_ like it!"

Close by, Okamura was recovering from the ill effects of being smacked across the face with a rather hard and unforgiving gun.

"Hmm?" He raised his head and squinted his eyes. "Reporter senses…_tingling_! Some shit's goin' down!" He scrambled to his feet, grabbed his trusty camera, and followed his nose towards the scent of…_discovery_! …Okay, I admit, that was lame.

Back with Saya, the Phantom had gotten back on his feet and easily threw Haji down, then set his sights on Saya.

"_Eeeeek_!" Saya panicked, took a step back, and tripped over her own feet. What a klutz! In the fall, she not only ripped up Min's pretty dress, but got all bloody too. Ow!

"Hmm…" The Phantom narrowed his eyes at her. "Were you always this clumsy? I can't really remember…"

_Blam_!

A gunshot sent the Phantom flying, and Saya turned to see David holding the smoking gun, with Julia's arms wrapped around his waist.

"Let go! Your boobs are in the way!" David barked.

"I'm helping you _aim_, you jerk!" Julia retorted. Despite being shot, the Phantom got back up and began assaulting Saya. Haji also joined the fray, and the three began a spectacular fight among the wine-casks of the cellar. Okamura's eyes widened when he peeked over the casks and saw them.

"Jackpot!" He whispered, clutching his camera. "I gotta get me some of this!" He began taking shot after shot of the action, capturing Saya's epic battle on film. "Yes, yes! Perfect! Yes- NO! Hey, excuse me!"

Saya, Haji, and the Phantom all froze in place and looked at him.

"Yeah, can you get a little closer into the frame?" Okamura asked, gesturing at Haji, who frowned but took a small step forward. "Okay, good! And you! Raise your sword a little higher!"

"Like this?" Saya held her sword up a bit more.

"Yes, that's perfect! Don't move!" Okamura held up his camera. "Say 'cheese!'"

"Cheese!" Everyone sang, smiling sweetly.

_Click_!

"Thanks!" Okamura turned and ran like the fires of hell were roasting his ass.

"You're welcome!" The others called, then resumed their battle. Suddenly the Phantom stopped and cocked his head.

"Wait, what time is it?" He asked.

"Um…" Haji checked his watch. "It's nine."

"Oh, crap!" The Phantom gasped. "Lost is on! Later, losers!" He blew Saya a kiss, flipped Haji the bird, then disappeared into the shadows. An awkward silence filled the room.

"Well," Haji stated, "_I_ much prefer America's Next Top Model-"

"No-one asked you, Haji!" Saya snapped.

-Outside-

Min lay in wait outside the girl's-school's walls, hiding in the bushes. Where was Saya? She'd already jumped out and chloroformed two other girls whom she thought was her love, only to realize they _weren't_ (and had to 'dispose' of them accordingly). Now it was nearing midnight, and still-

Suddenly the front doors banged open, and David, followed by Julia, Saya, and Haji, came scrambling out, all looking scruffed up and tired.

"_OhmygoshSaya_!" Min squealed, jumping from the bushes. "What on earth happened? Why do you look like you've been raped or at a Hana Montana concert? I-"

Haji effortlessly knocked the chattering girl out and dumped her into the nearby ditch. One thing Saya _didn't_ need right now was another crazy person trying to molester her. Besides Haji. A limo peeled up in the front drive, and everyone got in.

"Louis, find out where that container is heading!" David ordered as he threw himself into the passenger-side seat. Louis (dressed like a valet, albeit a chubby, African-American valet) put the pedal to the metal, and the group shot off in the limo.

"Well," Louis answered smartly, "my senses indicate it's heading toward the nearest Mickey-D's! Let's go!"

"I somewhat find that hard to believe-" David protested.

"Hey, man! Just cuz _you_ don't eat doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone else!"

"Food, Saya!" Haji whispered, gently nudging her. "Cheer up!" Saya just sighed and looked away.

"I…I'm not hungry…" She mumbled sadly.

_Screeeeeeeech_!

Louis slammed on the brake and brought the limo to a screeching halt. Everyone turned in their seats and stared in shock at Saya.

"My _God_…" David whispered in horror. "What have we _done_ to her?!"

-Episode 11 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew, done. Now I gotta get ready for my first class. _Bleagh_. Later! Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	12. Episode 12: Invited by the White Fog

Author's Note: Oh, boy! Next one! …Dang, I'm runnin' out of things to say in these. Oh well. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 12

Invited by the White Fog

Somewhere deep in the Vietnamese jungle (at least I _think_ that's where they are, they could be in the Kongo for all I know), a single small boat cut through the waves of a murky river in the dead of night. Onboard, Saya and skinny-man David were having a verbal misunderstanding. Again.

"Bless you," Saya said.

"I said _Diva_!" David snapped back.

"Yes," Saya patiently repeated, "and _I_ said, 'bless you'."

"NO!" David exploded. "Diva is what we're going _after_, okay?! And Karl, the Phantom, is one of her bitches, alright?!"

"Like me with Saya?" Haji piped up from the back of the boat. Saya fixed him with a withering glare.

"Did I _say_ stop rowing the boat?" She asked dangerously.

"No, ma'am," Haji replied meekly, quickly sitting back down and rowing the oars.

"So, in other words," David continued, "once we catch Diva, it'll all be over."

"Now, now! Don't get ahead of yourself!" Julia tut-tutted from her seat under the small canopy. "There're still almost forty more episodes to go!"

"Huh?" David turned and scowled at her.

"Oh, nothing," Julia replied innocently. "I was just commenting on how tight and restricting this military jacket is to my large and supple bosom."

"That's _fascinating_," David drawled, turning away. "Why don't you just get a breast reduction, if it bothers you so much?" Julia's lower lip quivered and she burst into tears as Saya stumbled over to comfort her.

"There, there! He didn't mean it!" She cooed, patting her shoulder.

"I just can't reach him!" Julia sobbed. "It's like he speaks another language! Or he's sexually _retarded_!"

"That sounds possible…"

Suddenly the sound of a motor engine cut through the silence, and David looked up, triumph on his face. A boat was approaching from the other side of the river.

"They're here…" he proclaimed.

"Who?! The fuzz?!" Louis leapt up in a panic. "I can't go to jail, man! I got _kids_ to feed!" He ran to the side of the boat and threw himself off, hitting the water (cannon-ball style) with a tremendous splash.

"It's not the police!" David told him when he came up thrashing and gasping for air. "They're mercenaries!"

"…Oh." Louis silently treaded water for a few moments. "Does that mean I can keep my weed?"

"NO!!!"

The mercs wasted no time and quickly switched boats. Once onboard, they began introductions.

"Hello, nice to meet you all," a middle-aged woman with sharp cheekbones greeted. "I am-"

"David's _sister_?!" Saya interrupted, noting the likeness between the woman and David ('likeness' being complete lack of body fat).

"…No." The woman blinked. "I've never met this man before in my life."

"Oh, okay." Saya sat back down. "I just thought maybe you were because you both…" David and the lady leaned forward, staring intently at Saya. "…have _beautiful_ eyes." She finished, then smiled sweetly.

"Well, thank you," the lady cleared her throat. "Anyway, back to business. We merc's use codenames to hide our identities. I'm called Lady's Speed Stick." She pointed to her other comrades in turn. "They're Mr. Sphincter, Panis, and…" She pointed at the last man. "William Du-Fancy-Pants."

"I chose mine _myself_!" William Du-Fancy-Pants proudly declared.

"Congratulations," Saya told him. Louis raised his hand.

"Can I be 'Sexual Chocolate'?"

"Only if _I_ get to be 'El Caliente Seniorita'!" Julia joined in.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!" David roared. Everyone did. "Now listen," he went on in a much calmer voice, "your normal names are FINE." His dangerous glare quickly quieted the other's protests. "So be quiet and let's get down to business." He withdrew a photo and handed it to Lady's Speed Stick. "Here's a picture of Diva's container." He pulled out another photo. "And here's a computer image of what we think that same container might look like 30 years _later_."

"…Boxes _age_?" Lady's Speed Stick asked doubtfully, raising a thin eyebrow.

"Well…yeah, that might have been a complete waste of time and money," David admitted. "But we were bored and since we had no real pictures of Diva, you know…"

"…Did you guys draw a _smiley face_ on it?"

"Well, yeah! The box has to look like her!"

"I'm seriously rethinking my decision to work with you people," Lady's Speed Stick muttered.

"Who's that?" William Du-Fancy-Pants peeked over her shoulder, saw the picture, and whistled. "Dang! She's _purty_!"

"Right back at ya," David retorted. Lady's Speed Stick just hung her head and gave up.

-Not Far Away, at a Mansion-

Karl (a.k.a. the Phantom, a.k.a. Jackie Chan) walked across the wet grass of the lawn, lovingly running his hand over the cool, smooth metal of the strange container.

"HEY!" The container barked. "Don't make me say it again, buster! No means NO!"

"Will you shut up about that?!" Karl roared back. "Container's can't talk!"

From the nearby mansion's balcony, Mr. Argeno watched with amusement. He should get this crap on tape and sent it back to his French friends so they could laugh at the monumental stupidity of-

"Hey, Mr. Argeno." The Frenchman turned to see Solomon striding over toward him. "I was just thinking that- _WHOOOA_!" Solomon screeched to a halt and gaped down at the lawn below. "Check out that mega-hottie down there! She is _fiiiiine_!"

"…Solomon," Mr. Argeno said softly, "That's un _homme_."

"Wha? A _man_?! I…" Solomon broke into a sweat and began fidgeting nervously, eyes shifting from left to right. "But…but he's got long hair, and…and I couldn't see well, alright?! It's dark down there!"

"We've got, like, a dozen spotlights shining on him," Mr. Argeno stated. Solomon stood there in silence, blinking rapidly.

"…I'm going back inside," he said finally, then slowly walked backwards into the mansion.

"The things I put up with to be on this show…" Mr. Argeno sighed, rubbing his temples. He needed some aspirin.

-Back With Saya-

Saya sat by the boat's side and gently dipped her hand into the dark, cold river. Haji stood nearby, giving Saya his full attention.

"Haji," she said softly, staring at the swirling water, "What did I do here? Did I…do something…terrible? I keep getting these strange visions, and I feel as if…as if…_as if MY HAND IS BEING EATEN OFF BY MOTHER-BLEEPING PIRANHA'S! GAAAAH_!" She yanked her hand out of the water and shook it fiercely to dislodge the hungry little buggers. A few dropped into the bottom of the boat and flopped around frantically, gasping for air. Or water, or whatever.

"Whoopsies!" Haji said innocently, "Forgot to warn you about the piranha-infested waters! My bad!!"

"You _forgot_?!" Saya grabbed hold of Haji's coat-tails and flung him into the river. "_Now_ do you remember? Huh? HUH?!"

"Aiiiiiiiieee! They're devouring my _organs_!"

-Back at the Mansion Again-

Deep within the mansion's basement, in a dungeon-like place with cells and bars and the like, Kai was busy dispelling the mind-numbing boredom by torturing everyone else. And by torturing, I mean singing.

"_No-one, no-one, no-ooooone…can get in the way of what I'm feeeeling_!"

"Hey, kid! Shut it!" A guard barked, irritated by Kai's complete lack of tune.

"Come over here and _make_ me!" Kai shot back, then squealed in fright as two burly guards came dashing toward his cell. Snatching up a metal cup, he whipped it at the two men as they stepped inside. The cup conked off one guard's head, ricocheted to the others, then came back and hit Kai right between the eyes. Luckily his thick skull saved him from losing consciousness.

"Hey, I actually _did_ something!" Kai gushed, sneaking through the open door. "Now to raise some hell!"

Back on the first floor of the mansion, Mr. Argeno was busy being consulted by several important-looking scientists with no names.

"Sir," one scientist reported, "the…_onions_ we're experimenting on have gone into phase two. We expect the…_onions_ to…_sprout_ anytime soon."

"…Alright, you lost me after 'onions'," Mr. Argeno admitted. "Since when did I have a vegetable garden? Can't you just speak normally?"

"Meh, it's not important." The scientist sighed. "So, anyway, what's Solomon like?"

"In one word?" Mr. Argeno frowned. "Colossal horndog."

"…That's two words, sir."

Back down in the cellar, Riku, who was strapped to a bed and wrapped in a straightjacket, struggled vainly against his bonds.

"Damn! No use!" He growled, panting for breath. "Why _I_ gotta be strapped down, huh? I'm, like, eighty pounds, tops!"

"You're lucky they didn't gag you, too," Mui said from her cell, which was opposite his. "That's what you get for going off on them."

"_Hey_!" Riku snapped. "They dissed New York! I don't play that _bleep_! No _way_ will I let them put down my lady!" He sighed and lay back down, staring at the ceiling dismally. "So…what do you think will happen to us?"

"We'll probably be sold…" Mui said sadly.

"For _sex_?!" Riku cut in abruptly, gasping in horror. "No!! I don't _wanna_ follow my dad's path! I don't know about _your_ homely mug, but _I'm_ certainly cute and sexy enough to be sold!" He grinned and winked suggestively at the camera.

"Please, who you kidding? If anyone in this family's gonna be a man-whore, it's _me_!" Kai stepped out of the shadows and illuminated his face with a flashlight. "Boo!"

"_Auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh_!" Riku shrieked his little lungs out, cowering against the wall in terror. Kai scowled.

"It's me, you idiot!"

"Oh, I know."

-Back With Saya-

Saya sat on the ship's prow as it cut through the water, listening to all the strange and curious sounds of the jungle.

"Ka-kaw, ka-kaw!"

"Creeeeeeee!"

"Oooki-ooki-ooki!"

"…Haji?" Saya sighed impatiently. "Will you _please_ stop making those noises?"

"…Sorry." Haji, who stood directly behind her, slowly lowered his hands and blushed.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Saya cried, jumping to her feet. "Let's do 'Titanic'!"

"Alright!" Haji agreed cheerfully.

"…Are you _sure_ she's the one?" Lady's Speed Stick asked, watching Saya and Haji fool around like grade-schoolers. David looked up just in time to catch Saya slapping Haji across the face for touching her inappropriately ("But there's a sex-scene in the movie, I swear!").

"_Positive_," David nodded.

"So, what do we do if she loses it?"

"Well…" David shrugged. "You either give her food…or roll over and _die_."

-Aaaaand Back at the Mansion Again-

Karl, alone in his room in the mansion, stood in a quiet and rare moment of personal reflection. He slowly reached forward and picked up an old, black-and-white photo of himself (and a few unnamed others) and frowned.

"…Do I _really_ look like Jackie Chan?" He wondered aloud.

"Yes, you do." Karl whirled around to find that Solomon had silently snuck into his room. Kinda creepy, there, buddy. "You _also_ resemble a young, attractive woman, but let's skip that part before things get awkward."

"Too late," Karl grumbled. "Now what do you want?"

"I was wondering if it was possible for you to _not_ kill Saya…" Solomon began.

"Oh, sure, that's fine, I just wanna-"

"And don't molest her, either." Solomon finished.

"WHAT?! Okay, now that's asking _way_ too effing much!"

-Back With Saya-

Saya and her crew of silly-code-named mercs had docked their boat on the side of the river, and now were sneaking through the jungle toward the distant mansion.

"Alright!" Lady's Speed Stick whispered to the others. "Now be _very_ quiet, we don't wanna give away our position to the enemy." Immediately afterward, a high-pitched, girly shriek rang out and reverberated through the treetops.

"SAYA!!" Everyone snarled.

"It was _Haji_!" Saya hissed.

"There was a spider on my shoulder!" Haji whined. "You would have screamed, too!"

Everyone rolled their eyes and shouldered their weapons, wary of approaching danger now that Haji had stupidly alerted everyone to their presence. Saya gasped softly as her vision turned red and a strange song entered her head.

"The…the song…" She muttered softly to herself, then ripped the headphones and red sunglasses off her head. "I _hate_ Carrie Underwood! Who put these stupid things on me? Haji!!" She kicked him in the nuts.

"It wasn't _meeee_!" He gurgled, keeling over.

-Back…at the Mansion…_Again_-

"Alright! Let's get this thing _open_!" Mr. Argeno stood before the large container sitting on the front lawn and wrinkled his brow. "Hmm…let's see…" He swiped his card through the slot (nothing), typed in a code on the keypad (still nada), then stood back and boldly declared, "Open _sesame_!" The doors still refused to budge. "Well, I've done all _I_ can do!"

"Or you could just try the _damn door_," Karl snarled, walking up to the container and easily yanking the door open.

"…I thought it said 'push'!" Mr. Argeno said after a moment.

"I wish _you_ said 'kill me'…"

Down below in the dungeon/basement, a group of creepy little kids in cloaks were singing an eerie song. Kai had just let them out of the other cells, and he, Riku, and Mui stared at the kids in confusion as they sang.

"Hey, shut up!" Kai yelled at the kids. "You guys are all _horribly_ off key! And where are my _tenors_?! They should all be over _here_, while the falsetto's are over _there_! You guys are _hopeless_!" He looked up and glared at Mui and Riku, who were simply standing there and gawking. "You two gonna help me with this choir or not?"

"Not," they both replied together.

Suddenly the cloaked kids rushed past, bursting through the cellar doors and entering the mansion above. One of the creepy brats knocked into Mui, who fell over with a cry.

"HEY!" Riku cried in outrage, running to her side. "She's only got one leg! Give her a break! If _anyone's_ gonna knock her over, it'll be _me_!" He grabbed Mui's arm, tugged her up, then immediately shoved her down again. "Like this!"

"Awk!"

"RIKU!" Kai roared, smacking him upside the head. "That's horrible! That's inhumane! That looks like fun! Let _me_ try!"

"Eeek! Freaky little corn children!" Mr. Argeno shrieked as the cloaked kids ran up through the house and joined them on the front lawn, singing and dancing around like…well, like he said, freaky little corn children!

"It's alright," Karl assured him. "Heel, children!" The kids gathered around him like chicks to a mother hen, following him across the lawn and around the other end of the house.

"Hey!" Mr. Argeno said pleasantly. "For being such a perverted bastard, he's pretty good with kids!"

-With Saya and the Mercs Again-

Saya and her team of super-mercs were now sneaking through a grove of trees, still searching for the mansion. Saya halted to have yet another onslaught of unwanted disturbing visions of the happenings in Vietnam and the strange hallways, staggering a little as she did.

"I could carry you," Haji offered.

"NO." Saya said firmly, giving him a look. She didn't feel like being molestered at the moment.

"How 'bout carrying me, handsome?" Lady's Speed Stick asked flirtatiously, giving Haji a wink, who fought to suppress his gag reflex.

"My…my arms are broken," he lied. Lady's Speek Stick scowled and marched past, Haji breathing a deep sigh of relief. Suddenly the mansion popped into view, and the creepy cloaked children stepped out from behind the trees, surrounding Saya and the mercs, all the while still humming their song.

"Oh!" William Du-Fancy-Pants knelt down next to one of the kids and grinned like the idiot he was. "Hey there, lil' buddy! You want a lolli-pop?" He reached into his pocket, withdrew a dum-dum (pun intended), and held it out. The kid bared its teeth and promptly chomped off William's entire hand along with the candy. William held up the bleeding stump of his wrist and smiled. "Awww, he's _teething_!"

Suddenly the kid swelled tremendously, and a hideous, chubby baby chiropteran burst from its skin. That is just _nasty_. The chiro-baby (as I will be calling them because otherwise it's way too damn long) leapt at William Du-Fancy-Pants and promptly ate off his face. God rest his soul. (_Places hand on heart as trumpet plays_). The other children followed suit, also morphing into grotesque chiro-babies and approaching Saya and the gang.

"Dear GOD those are some ugly babies!" Lady's Speed Stick gagged, not sure whether to shoot the little bastards or try and put a diaper on them.

"They're not babies!" David snapped. "Their chiropteran infants!"

Down in the cellar, Riku knelt by Mui's side as she and other children in yellow jackets moaned in pain and rolled about on the ground. Geez, what's wrong with them? Tummy ache?

"Oh, no! Mui!" Riku was sobbing, gently touching her shoulder. "Please don't die! You still have to pay me back for that metal detector I bought for your broke ass! _Please_ don't die!"

"Riku…you…a…hole!" Mui gurgled, face twisted in pain. Next to them, Kai stood up, a firm look on his face.

"Riku!" He barked. "Listen! You stay here with the unstable, potentially dangerous children while I, your handsome and strong brother, go find-"

"Saya?!" Riku asked hopefully.

"No." Kai blinked. "The john. I've been holdin' this piss for, like, two episodes. Bye!" With a wave, he shot down the hall and up the stairs, leaving poor little Riku on all his lonesome with the crazy kids. Nice. Real nice.

Back up top, the mercs fired off rounds at the chiro-babies like crazy, mowing them down like one does a rebellious lawn. It didn't work, however, and the monsters continued to advance, their wounds healing almost instantly.

"Open, door!" David snarled, beating at the front door of the mansion. "We'll be safer if we could get inside! Damn! If only we had a key!"

"Or a _brain_!" Saya grunted, pushing past the skinny man and easily yanking the door open.

"I…I thought it said 'push'!" David coughed, blushing a little. Saya just rolled her eyes and shoved him inside, followed by Haji, then Lady's Speed Stick. The remaining mercs were left outside where they experienced horrible, agonizing deaths, but who the hell cares about them, anyway? Back to Saya.

Once inside, the small group ran deeper into the maze of halls, only to have chiro-babies (dressed in SWAT uniforms, the little freaks) burst in through the windows and attack them. Beating them back, the team rounded a corner and took a short breather in a hallway.

"Fight, girl!" Lady's Speed Stick growled, grabbing hold of Saya and shaking her. "What's wrong with you?! Fight, dammit!"

"I…I can't!" Saya sobbed. "The song! The song!" She looked up and saw Haji just about to place the headphones on her once again. "So it _was_ you!!!"

"_Eeek_!"

"Can this wait till later?" David interrupted. "We're kinda busy right now." He pointed at the nearby stairway, where more chiro-babies were appearing.

"Oh, fine." Saya dropped Haji and sighed. "I was gonna go crawl into a corner and cry anyway. Here I go." Conjuring up fresh tears, she huddled up in a ball and sobbed as the chiro-babies attacked, going after Lady's Speed Stick and the others.

"Ha! You think you can kill me?!" David scoffed, pointing his gun at the nearest chiro-baby. "Bring it on!" The chiro-baby grinned evilly, reaching behind it and pulling out…

A piece of cheesecake.

"No…NOOOOO!!!" David shrieked in horror. "You can't _do_ this! You can't make me eat it! Do you have any idea how _fattening_ those things are?! NOOOOOOO!!" He and the chiro-baby fell to the ground, grappling and grunting. As Saya huddled whimpering in a corner, a chiro-baby was slowing advancing, getting ready to attack. Good thing Haji suddenly popped up, decapitated the monster and then aimed its neck-stump at Saya so she got sprayed with its vermilion effluence.

"What the hell is _wrong_ with you?!!" Saya screeched, dripping with blood. "Why the hell did you _point_ that thing at me?!"

"Well," Haji explained patiently, still holding the headless baby's body. "I was _hoping_ the covering of blood would once again awaken your inner carnal senses so you could get all kick-ass again, but…"

"_But_?" Saya prompted, raising an eyebrow.

"But I really just wanted you to be disgusted and take all your clothes off."

"…Well, what do you know?" Saya growled through gritted teeth. "I think I've got my will to fight back! And guess what! You die first!" Haji took a deep breath.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

-Episode 12 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew! There we go! I've been a bit busy this past week, but I was still able to get another Blood Minus done! I had a bit of trouble with some parts, but managed to funny it up to my satisfaction before finishing. Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	13. Episode 13: Jungle Paradise

Author's Note: Eeek! Unlucky 13! Just kidding. I had fun with this episode, despite it being a rather serious one. The ending is my favorite part. Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 13

Jungle Paradise

As we return from the obvious cliffhanger of the last episode's ending, Saya was sitting on Haji's chest as she bitch-slapped him silly for his unwanted sexual advances towards her. The man (er, man-thing) has to learn his lesson, one way or another!

_Slap! Slap! Slap!_

"_No_ means _no_ means _NO_!" Saya yelled, punctuating each 'no' with a sharp slap. Finally the others in the room were able to tear their eyes away from the (amusing) spectacle, and David quickly took over.

"Saya, enough! We gotta go!" He grabbed her by the collar and hauled her off her man-slave, then dragged them both into a nearby room where it was presumably safer. Lady's Speed Stick lingered behind to distract the chiro-babies that were crawling after them.

"Ooh, look!" Lady's Speed Stick gasped in delight, pointing behind them. "_Binkies_!" She broke for the door when the chiro-babies stopped and looked stupidly behind them. Immediately the others slammed the doors closed and began piling heavy things in front to block it.

"Aw, crap!" David cursed. "Where's Star Jones when you need her?!"

"_Hey_!" Mr. Sphincter (who was miraculously still alive) glared at him. "You can't say that anymore, she lost weight! Plus she sells awesome shoes! Doesn't it feel good…to pay _less_?!"

"…Did she pay you to say that?" David asked suspiciously.

"Yes. Yes she did."

_Blam_!

Lady's Speed Stick shot him in the head from behind. He dropped like a sack of bricks. A sack of _sell-out_ bricks.

"He…he was suffering." Lady's Speed Stick mumbled, shouldering her weapon.

"Yes, indeed!" The others cried.

"Now back to where I left off!" Saya said cheerfully, then turned and slugged Haji right in the gut. As he doubled over in pain, the chiro-babies that leapt from the shadows inadvertently missed slicing his head open.

"Wow!" Haji gushed, still clutching his stomach. "You _purposefully_ punched me to make them miss?"

"…No." Saya admitted. "And since _when_ do I need a reason to hit you?"

"Good point!" Haji managed to get out before she hit him again.

"Yaaaah! Take this!" Lady's Speed Stick cried, opening fire on the small group of chiro-babies. Strangely, her aim was horribly off and she only managed to turn all the chairs and couches in the room to swiss-cheese.

"Mind telling me what the hell you're aiming at?" David said to her, "Because you were _miles_ off, sister."

"The furniture in this room is _disgraceful_!" Lady's Speed Stick explained, making a face. "That chair is _outdoor_ furniture, not _indoor_!" She shot it to prove her point.

"What are you, a mercenary or an interior decorator?!" David roared.

"Why can't I be _both_?!"

Saya wasn't listening to the ensuing argument about what was proper furniture to put in one's patio and what wasn't, since she was too busy losing her mind and going into some weird-ass vision place. Figures. The world she now found herself in was a strange one, the watery floor acting like a mirror and reflecting the blue sky above.

"Dammit! I promised myself, no more weed!" Saya sighed. As she walked toward some far-away ruins, mulling things over, someone began singing a song that filled the vision-world. "Where am I?" Saya wondered. "What is this place? I sure hope- do you _mind_?!" She stopped and stamped her foot, glaring up at the sky, where the song (which had paused at Saya's outburst) seemed to be coming from. "Look, I know you have a voice that would let you cut an album with Christina Aguilera and all that jazz, but _enough_ already! I can't even hear myself _think_!"

"…Sorry." The voice said quietly, then shut up.

"_Gawd_." Saya rolled her eyes and continued her little walk toward the ruins, which consisted of a stone tower and a few crumbling walls. Suddenly images of Saya's loved ones began to appear in the mirror-like floor for some odd reason.

"Dad!" Saya whispered, tears coming to her eyes. "Kai! …I don't really care about you, Riku. Now way!" She paused. "This water doubles as a _movie_ screen?! Frickin' sweet! This is better than the Cineplex! Lemme go get my copy of 300 and then we can have a movie night-"

And out of the blue (or should I say, yet again), visions of Saya's horrible night in Vietnam hit her like eighteen-wheeler.

"…Or I could just agonize over my past a bit more," Saya finished. "Seriously, you'd think I'd be over it by now. What with _seeing_ it a half a millions times already."

_Briiiiiiiiing_!

An alarm-clock went off somewhere, and Saya jerked awake, back in the real world, her eyes blood red. …Wait a minute. …_Uh-oh_.

Outside the barricaded room, Kai was running down the hall when he heard Saya's enraged shrieks coming from the other side of the wall.

"Saya?!" Kai paused before the door and blinked. "Like HELL I'm goin' in there!" He turned to run off and screeched to a halt when a line of chiro-babies sprung up to block his path. "…Really?" Kai raised an eyebrow at the creatures. "You serious? Ok, _fine_." He heaved a deep sigh, then threw himself at the door. He had to fight it open, as there were lots of furniture in the way, as well as…

"Star Jones?!" Kai gaped in shock. "What the hell are _you_ doing here?!"

"Blocking the door," the talk-show host replied, then smiled charmingly at the camera. "Doesn't it feel good…to-"

"Shut up about your crappy shoes, lady!" Kai snapped, shoving the woman out of his way. "Move it!" He stumbled over Mr. Sphincter's dead body (once again, who cares?) and stopped dead as he caught sight of Saya stabbing something just out of sight over and over. "Saya! Stop it!" Kai barked, making Saya freeze and coldly stare back at him. Her eyes were a fierce red, and her front and hands were covered with red liquid. "…Wha…what're you _doing_?"

"Oh, nothing," Saya hissed, turning toward him with murderous intent brewing in her eyes. "I'm just…"

Kai gulped in horror.

"…Cutting up this watermelon! Want some?" She speared a slice on her sword and held it out for him to take.

"Heck _yes_ I do!" Kai leapt forward and crammed the piece into his mouth. "Delicious! You guys want any?" He glanced back at David and Lady's Speed Stick, who shook their heads in declination.

"No thanks," they said together. "We don't eat."

"More for me, then!" Kai sang cheerily.

"Saya, what the hell are you _doing_?!!" Everyone looked up in surprise to see Karl (once again in Phantom garb) hanging upside down from the ceiling's chandelier. He sure as hell didn't look happy, either. "You're supposed to be goin' nuts and stabbing everything! And what's with the _bleep_ing watermelon, for goodness sakes?! Don't make me come down there and- _guuuuurk_! Gaah! Blood…_rushing_ to my head!" Gurgling like a two-year old, Karl lost his grip (that he had with his…feet?) and fell to the ground with a dull thud.

"…What a dork." David grunted after an awkward pause.

"Wait a minute…" Saya's eyes narrowed and turned that dangerous shade of red once again. "You don't want any of my watermelon? Then you die!!" She lifted her sword and charged at David.

"Anyone got a King Ding?" David asked loudly. "Some Twinkies? _Anything_?" The others shook their heads. "Well, I'm dead." Luckily Saya was body-slammed by Haji before she could do the skinny man any harm. Haji pinned her to the floor, wrapping his arms around her to make sure she was secure.

"Saya! Wake up!" He cried, holding her down.

"…Okay, I'm awake, Haji. Thanks." Saya said from under him, finally returning to her senses.

"Don't worry!" Haji went on, oblivious. "I'll hold you down until you're better!"

"Haji, really, I'm okay now. You can let me-"

"No matter _how_ long it takes, I _shall not move_!"

"Haji, get the _bleep_ off of me!" Saya exploded, kicking her man-slave off of her. "And you weren't holding me down, you were holding my _ass_!"

"…What's the difference?" Haji asked innocently.

"Will you bastards stop _ignoring_ me?!" Karl hissed, staggering back to his feet and adjusting his mask. "As I was saying, you-"

"Hey, it's the Phantom of the Opera!" Kai cried, staring at Karl. "Where's your organ, man?"

"I'm gonna rip out _yours_ if you don't shut it up, kid!" Karl snapped.

"You…" Kai sniffed, looking hurt. "You didn't have to _yell_."

"Yeah, _geez_!" Saya joined in. "That was just…_mean_!" Finally she looked down at herself and realized her whole front was covered in fruit juice (is watermelon even a fruit? I _think_ it is). "Holy crap! What did I do, slaughter a watermelon?"

"Yes, actually." Haji pointed out the watermelon pieces that Saya had perfectly sliced while in her enraged state of mind.

"Oh." Saya lifted a soaked sleeve of her jacket and noisily slurped the juice up, smacking her lips in satisfaction. "Mmm! _Delicious_!"

"Could…" Karl interrupted, "Could you stay focused for one _single_ minute here, sweetie? Seriously, I don't get a lot of screen-time, so I'd _really_ like to not seem like a complete idiot for one measly episode-"

"Want a slice?" Saya asked.

"_No I don't want an effing slice_!!" Karl exploded, "_I want_-"

"Karl!" Solomon's voice rang in Karl's head, stopping him dead. "Sorry, but your time's up. Come on back- oh, and could you grab me a slice? I'm kinda hungry. Thanks."

"Dammit!" Karl snatched up a piece of watermelon and leapt through a nearby window to escape. "_Ow_! Glass in my _face_!"

"Thank God he's gone!" Saya breathed a sigh of relief, then caught sight of Lady's Speed Stick lying on the ground, her front dyed red. "Oh no! Did I do that to you during my fit of rage?!" Saya sprinted over and pulled the anorexic mercenary into a liver-squeezing hug. "Forgive me! I didn't mean it! I wasn't myself!"

"Girlie! I'm fine! Stop it!" Lady's Speed Stick shoved Saya off her and rubbed her aching organs. "It's not blood, it's watermelon juice from when I had a slice."

"Oh, alright." Saya settled back, then leapt up in shock. "Hold on, you ATE something?!"

"Well, since it's about fifty percent water, I thought it was okay…"

"_Judas_!" David hissed from the corner.

-Meanwhile, Outside…-

Around the back of the mansion, hired help worked fast to hook up the container to several helicopters while Solomon and Mr. Argeno watched. The Frenchman hovered annoyingly over the worker's shoulders, nervous and worried.

"Maybe you should put a few life-vests on it," he suggested. "Just in case it falls in the ocean, then it won't sink to its watery doom!"

"Mr. Argeno…" Solomon sighed wearily, rubbing his temples. "Please…stop talking."

-Aaaaand Back Inside-

Saya, David, Haji, and Kai ran down the hall, leaving Lady's Speed Stick behind to deal with the pestering chiro-babies that still wandered the large room they'd holed up in. Naw, just kidding. She pulled the short straw so now it's her time to die. And her being a minor character has absolutely _nothing_ to do with it.

"Hmm…eating…" Lady's Speed Stick muttered to herself as she took another slice of watermelon and glared at the chiro-babies around her, "I wish I'd gotten to know it better." Taking a bite, she pulled out a grenade from her belt and held it high. "Now, DIE!"

Nothing happened.The chiro-babies coughed in embarrassment.

"Oh, you have to pull the pin." Lady's Speed Stick blushed, the yanked out the small pin. "_Now_ die!!"

_Ka-Booooooooooom_!!!!

The resulting explosion incinerated the brave female merc as well as the surrounding chiro-babies, then blew out all the mansion's windows and made a few of the workers piss their pants. Mr. Argeno shrieked girlishly in fright and clutched at Solomon, as did Kai with David, and Haji with Saya.

"Knock it off!" Solomon, David, and Saya all yelled as one, shoving the other person off them.

"Why don't you just run back to Riku?!" Saya told Kai.

"Fine!! I _will_!!" Kai shot back, then burst into tears and ran sobbing down the hall. Reaching a door, he wrenched it open, threw another sob over his shoulder at Saya, then ran into the other room, slamming the door after him. Several quiet seconds passed, then the door timidly opened and Kai tip-toed out, looking sheepish.

"Wrong door," he stated, then began sobbing and running down the hall again, this time wrenching open the doors and first peeking in to check if it was the right way. It was quite obvious he was completely lost.

"KAI," David ground out, pointing to the left. "_That_ way."

"Oh," Kai responded awkwardly. "Thanks." Then he ran crying passed the man and to the left, his sobs slowly fading out of hearing range.

"_Finally_…" David sighed, then glanced at Saya and Haji. "Let's go."

-Down in the Basement, With Riku-

In the deep, dank dungeon beneath the mansion, Riku tapped his foot and checked his watch. Mui coughed and stared at the floor. Several seconds passed.

"…Kai sure is taking a long time, huh?" She sighed after a moment.

"Yeah," Riku agreed. "He must be droppin' off a _boatload_!" Mui gave him a look. "Er, I mean…he must have _really_ had to go."

-Back With the _Important_ Characters Who _Matter_-

Behind the mansion, the chopper's blades began rotating, preparing for takeoff. The container was hooked up to be carried away as Karl ran up to Solomon and Mr. Argeno.

"_Whoa_!" Solomon exclaimed when he caught sight of Karl. "What's with the getup, hot stuff? You some kinda stripper or-"

"It's _me_," Karl stated, removing his mask and glaring.

"Oh…oh my GOD!" Solomon clapped a hand over his mouth and dashed for the bushes. Disturbing retching sounds ensued.

"So…you want some watermelon?" Karl held out several slices that he'd filched from Saya. "I stole it from the stupid- DEAR LORD!!!" As the nearby chopper's blades rotated, Karl's long cloak had begun getting pulled in by the powerful air currents, dragging him closer and closer to the whirling blades of death. "Abort! Abort!" Clawing at his neck, he was able to untie his cloak just in time for it to shoot up into the chopper's blades and be shredded like newspaper. "Wearing a cape right next to a chopper…not one of my better ideas…" Karl muttered.

"But the watermelon's good!" Mr. Argeno commented.

"Oh, I know, it's delicious," Karl readily agreed.

"What the _hell_!" Solomon had staggered back and was glaring at the other two. "You dicks didn't even leave me any! I wanted some!"

"There's plenty more where that came from!" Saya cried, having finally arrived on the scene. She, David, and Haji posed like Charlie's Angels before the back doorway and laughed haughtily. "Can't top this, can ya?"

"Oh, I think I can," Karl replied, then literally exploded out of his clothes as he transformed himself into a hideously large blue monster.

"Oh my gosh!" Saya gasped in fright. "It's the Incredible Hulk!"

"No, no, no," David corrected. "The Hulk was green. He's blue."

"Plus the Hulk was actually _cool_," Haji added.

"I said don't ignore me!!!" Karl roared over them. "It hurts my _feelings_!" He rushed at the small group and Saya leapt forward to fight him. Blows were exchanged, then suddenly Saya's sword bit deep into Karl's skin.

"_Oh dear God I'm dead_!" He shrieked, backing away clutching his wound.

"…Wait, hold on a sec…" Saya examined her sword, squinting and bringing it close to her eyes. "Oops, my bad. That's just watermelon juice."

"Phew…" Karl slumped in relief. "I almost pissed myself there…"

"What?"

"I said it's time to die!"

-Aaaaand Back Down in the Basement Again-

Riku and Mui, still waiting for Kai, were bored crapless. They were now engaged in a staring contest, which made Riku notice that Mui's face was…cracking.

"Hey…what is that?" He asked, pointing at her cheek.

"Um…I have _really_ dry skin," Mui lied.

"Ewww, gross!" Riku scooted away from her in disgust. "Stay away from me! _Moisturize_, girl!"

"Riku!" Suddenly Kai run in through the doorway and stood panting next to his brother. "_There_ you are! I've been running around this whole damn mansion, sobbing my head off, trying to find you!" He finally looked up and caught sight of Mui's condition, and immediately knew what was up. "Okay, time to go!" He grabbed Riku by the collar and slung him over his shoulder.

"Wait, you a-hole!" Riku protested. "Mui's not a threat! She just needs to moisturize!"

Mui raised her head and roared carnivorously.

"I get a head-start!"

-Back Up Top Again-

Behind Saya and Karl's fighting forms, the chopper with the target container hooked to it began to rise, obviously about to escape with its enigmatic prize. David bolted for the chopper and was amazingly able to jump the thirty feet up in the air to the chopper with ease (most probably due to the fact that he's light as a _feather_). Once he pulled himself on board, however, he realized he'd boarded the wrong one, and had to leap off again as the other chopper sent a missile over to make friends with him. Thankfully, he just spread his arms and legs wide and floated safely back down to the ground.

"See?" David grinned at the camera. "Eating nothing but air has its _benefits_!" Then some shrapnel from the blown-up chopper conked him on the head and knocked him out.

Suddenly Karl got in a lucky punch, and Saya went down, hard.

"HEY!!!" Kai (who'd just reach the door with Riku) roared, rushing down the stairs at Karl. "_No-one_ hits my sister!!"

"_SNARRRL_!!!"

"'Cept you!" Kai finished sweetly, hurrying back the way he came. Then he caught sight of Riku struggling against Mui and the other kids in yellow and realized they'd gone nuts, also. He halted between the two, looking back between the Incredible Blue Hulk and the crazy yellow kids, and whimpered pitifully.

"Urg…what'd I miss?" Saya asked, staggering back to her feet and looking around in bewilderment.

"Um…excuse me?" Riku said weakly.

"What happened to you?" Kai asked.

"I tripped." Saya answered.

"_Excuse_ me…"

"So, wait…I almost got killed for nothing?!!"

"Yep, looks like it!" Saya raised her sword and glared at Karl. "Now it's time to-"

"EX-_BLEEPING_-SCUZE MEEEE!!" Riku roared, finally getting everyone's attention. He took a deep breath and began. "Do you guys mind getting these mother-_bleeping_ freak kids offa me?!!"

"Riku," Saya sighed, "I'll be with you in a minute, so just shut up and wait. Now die!!" She leapt at Karl and once again managed to stab him with her sword. He simply laughed.

"What's this? More watermelon juice?" He taunted.

"No, actually," Saya stated. "This is my real blood this time."

"Aww, shit." Karl drawled, then knocked Saya back and ran for the mansion. Once inside, he seized a huge axe off the wall and used it to chop off his own leg. "Hahaha! What do you think about that, Saya?! I won't die now!"

"Um…wrong leg." Saya (who'd followed him inside) coughed.

"Eh?" Karl looked down and realized it was his _left_ leg that was crystallizing, _not_ his right, which lay on the floor a foot away. "Aww, _double_ shit." He quickly chopped off his other leg before he was fully crystallized by Saya's blood.

"I see you're…_half_ the man you used to be…" Saya stated, then blinked. The bastard was already gone out the window! "Hey! And that was a _good_ one, too!"

-Later-

All the creepy little corn children that were left over from the previous episode had been rounded up and stuck in cages. They growled and snarled, shaking the bars and trying to get free.

"You'll…take good care of them, right?" Louis asked the overseer worriedly.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course! I've got a wonderful place in mind." The man agreed, waving him away. Once Louis had gone, he turned to the side and pulled out a notepad. "Cirque…du…Soleil…"

Nearby, Riku tearfully watched Mui snarl and foam at the mouth like the other children, a sad shadow of her previous self. Tears rolling down his cheeks, Riku slowly but deliberately began loading a shotgun, sniffling all the while.

"Don't worry, pa!" He sobbed. "She's _my_ bitch, I'll do it!"

"She isn't Old Yeller!!" Kai barked, snatching the firearm away from his brother. "And where the _hell_ did you get this, anyway?!"

"Can they be turned back?" Julia asked softly, staring at the deranged children with sympathy. Next to her, Louis shrugged.

"Do you believe in miracles?" He said, sounding old and wise. "That's the only way they'll turn back. But…despite all odds…I want to _believe_…" He very slowly turned and walked away.

"…So, that's a 'no', then?" Julia called after him.

Meanwhile, inside the mansion, Kai suddenly slammed open a door and glared meaningfully at David.

"Can't you _knock_?" David growled, shaking out his newspaper as he sat on the can. "You have to wait your turn, like everyone else!"

"I'll _never_ forgive you!" Kai hissed at him. "It's all your fault! _All_ of it!"

"Wha…because of Saya?" David asked in confusion.

"NO!" Kai barked. "Because I _specifically_ called firsties on the toilet and _you cut in line_!! You're gonna pay, you toilet-stealing son of a-"

David pulled out his gun and leveled it at Kai's head.

"OUT." He ordered. Kai immediately threw his hands up in the air and slowly back out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a gentle click. David sighed and picked up his newspaper again. "Can't let a man crap in peace…"

-Even _Later_…-

Everyone was now back on the boat again, traveling down the river to an unknown destination. Kai and Riku sat close to Saya, a family-rific conversation taking place.

"_Why_, Saya?" Riku sniffled. "Why do _you_ have to fight?"

"_Hey_," Saya said firmly, pointing at herself. "Main character." Then she pointed at her two brothers. "Cannon fodder." They glared. "Er, I mean, minor characters. You get it!"

"Don't worry, Saya!" Kai said valiantly. "We'll help, too! We're family, aren't we?"

"Aww…group hug!" All three Otonashi's threw their arms around one another and squeezed. Haji, who was watching the spectacle, suddenly burst into tears and ran over to be hugged as well.

"Dammit, Haji!" Saya cried. "You ruin _everything_!!"

-Episode 13 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew, I had to hurry it up for this one, as I had a limited time to work on it. And if anyone didn't know, Cirque Du Soleil is a famous circus. Those kids'll have fun there. Hope you liked it! See you next time! Review, please!


	14. Episode 14: The Last Sunday

Author's Note: Yay, next one! …_Yeeeah_, that's about it. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 14

The Last Sunday

Saya looked up at the Omoro sign hanging above her house's door and smiled. Finally, she was back. After much pain and agony (and even more senseless killing), she was finally back home. Now she could kick back her heels and enjoy-

"I can't _fiiiiind_ it!" Riku whined, searching for the house key and obviously failing.

"Of course not, you're looking in the wrong place!" Kai snorted. "It's under the front mat, _duh_!"

"We don't _have_ a mat, idiot!"

Oh, no, wait. Kai and Riku had to tag along and spoil all her fun. The selfish bastards.

"I found it!" Riku cried excitedly, peeking underneath a potted plant. "My computer chip designed to take over the world!"

"…What?" Saya and Kai asked.

"Er…I mean the house key!"

"_Pfffft_! We don't need no _key_!" Kai scoffed, marching up to the front door.

"Kai, that's two negatives, it's not proper English-" Saya began to say.

"Heee-_yaaaah_!" Kai pulled his neck back, then head-butted the door with all his strength, bashing it off its hinges and sending it crashing inside. A thin line of blood dribbled down his forehead and into his eye. "Alright! It's open! Let's go in!"

"…That _cannot_ be good for your brain…" Saya said matter-of-factly.

"Now that you mention it…" Kai paused, cocking his head to the side. "…I can't feel my legs." Immediately he collapsed into a twitching pile of limbs.

"Oh, _Jebus_…" Saya heaved a sigh and dragged her brother inside by his feet, followed closely by Riku. "I'm _hooooome_!"

-Elsewhere-

"Yes, mom, I'm wearing clean underwear. No, mom, I don't talk to strangers. Okay, mom. I know. Okay. I…I…" David blushed and looked around nervously. "I love you too, mom. Bye." He sighed and snapped his phone closed, then turned to Julia, who was busy on the computer behind him. "Well, it seems that- _HOLY BLEEP!!"_

"What?" Julia asked in surprise, fingers freezing above the keys.

"You…" David gasped out, staring at her in shock. "You're wearing…a _turtleneck_?!!"

"Well, yes, it's quite chilly in here." Julia scrunched up her face. "Hold on. You…just _noticed_ my _breasts_?!" She pulled a small notebook from the desk and flipped it open. "Dear diary," she said aloud as she wrote, "David noticed my breasts today. Perhaps seducing him isn't impossible, as I first thought." She looked up and found David with his head stuck out the window. "…What're you doing?"

"Seeing if it's the end of the world!" David told her over his shoulder. "Apparently it is not, as I see no flaming meteors and Donald Trump _isn't_ President of the United States."

"David, close the damn window and get back in here."

"Fine." David banged the window shut and turned to Julia. "So, what'cha got?"

"Well," Julia filled him in, "it's obvious Karl is a chevalier, but I'm not so sure about that Solomon fellow. He sure is a cutie, though."

"Hmm…" David narrowed his eyes and rubbed his sharp chin. "That leaves us no choice. We must…" Here he paused dramatically for a moment, "_visit his MySpace_."

"Are you sure you wanna do that?" Julia asked worriedly. "Could be dangerous."

"Oh, hell, _I'm_ not gonna be the one doin' it!" David guffawed, clapping her on the shoulder. "_You_ are! Have fun!" He twirled on his toes and skipped out of the room. Julia glared after him and pulled out her notebook again.

"Dear diary…_bleep_ David."

-Back At Saya's House…-

_Wha-piiiiish_!!

"_Yeeeeowch_! _That's_ gonna leave a mark!" Riku squealed. He and Kai were busy cleaning the dusty house with wet rags (at least that's what they _said_ they were doing, they were really just whipping each other with the rags and laughing like idiots).

"Hey, let's go give Saya some of this!" Kai suggested.

"Okay!" Both boys scrambled up the stairs to Saya's bedroom door, where she lay on her bed, being all depressed and emo once again. They were a second away from knocking on the door when they heard her mumble to herself.

"Mm…I'm-a kill the first person who touches me…"

The boys froze, fists mere inches from the door.

"Uh…I think Saya wants a relaxing back massage, Riku!" Kai stated, shoving Riku in front of him ("Hey!!") and turning to get the hell out of there. Sadly, like father like son, his foot twisted on the rug and he went tumbling down the stairs.

"Serves you right!" Riku called after him.

"Will you two shut the _bleep_ up?!" Saya hollered, sitting up on her bed and glaring at the door. "I'm _trying_ to be all emo and mopey in here!"

"Geez…" Kai muttered from the floor. "Sure is _somebody's_ time of the-"

"Kai! Don't say it!" Riku hissed, dashing down the stairs to stop his brother.

"_Month_!"

Too late.

"Alright, that's it!" Saya jumped off her bed and snatched her door open. "You're dead, Kai!"

"Told you," Riku stated as Kai ran for cover and Saya took off in hot pursuit. The youngest and most useless brother wandered over to the fridge and slowly cracked it open. "Alright, let's see what's in the- _OHMYGOD_!!!" Riku shrieked in horror as masses of eyes and tentacles burst from the open refrigerator door and seized him in their grasp. "Aaaaaugh! Help! _Help_!!!"

Saya and Kai paused, stared at Riku for several seconds, then went back to chasing each other around the house, hoopin' and hollering.

"H…hate this family…" Riku whispered.

Later on that day (when Riku had escaped the strangling clutch of the fridge-monster and Saya had given Kai what he deserved), the three siblings, wearing their best black clothes, piled into a car and drove toward the family grave. It was time to lay their late father to rest by bringing his cherished items to the tomb.

"…Wait a minute…" Kai said from behind the driver's wheel. "I don't _know_ how to drive!!" Immediately they smashed into a telephone pole and were forced to walk the rest of the way there.

"Real nice, Kai." Saya growled, dragging her feet in the dirt. "Thanks for ruining the whole day for us."

"Hey, shut up!" Kai shot back, cheeks burning. "Cars are totally different from motorcycles and tricycles, okay?!" Finally they reached the stairs (you may remember them, as they are the ones Saya's dad fell down) and climbed up to the tomb above. Once inside the family grave, Kai gasped in disgust as the light from his flashlight swung onto a huge, empty cocoon leaning against the wall.

"Oh my GOD!" He whispered in horror. "We've got one HUGE spider in here!!"

"Spiders? Where?!" Riku dropped the box he'd been holding and looked around nervously. "I hate spiders!"

"Hold on…" Saya muttered quietly, the realization slowly hitting her. "_I'm_ the spider!"

"What?! The spider's _on_ you?!" Kai gasped, whirling around and yanking a bat from Riku's box. "Hold still! I'll squish it!"

"Agh! No! Stop it!" Saya barked, smacking him away. "Can't you see?! _I_ came outta that thing! _Me_!"

"…Oh." Kai glanced at the cocoon and made a face. "_Eeuuuh_. Er, I mean, _oooh_! That's…kinda…_cool_?" He dropped the bat and placed a hand on Saya's shoulder. "Listen, Saya. No matter what, you'll always be my sister!"

"And no matter what," Saya said right back, "You'll always be annoying!"

"That's right!" Kai agreed, then frowned. "Hey, wait-"

"Ooh! Me too! Me too!" Riku chanted, hopping up and down.

"_Especially_ you, Riku," Saya said, patting his hair.

"Yaaaay!" He cheered.

"Alright, that's enough." Kai said. "Is there anywhere you wanna go, Saya?" She thought a moment.

"…Well, I'd like to visit the-"

"Hooters it is!" Kai interrupted. "Let's go!"

"Get back here!" Saya snapped. "We're going to eat out!"

"Yes, at Hooters!" Kai explained patiently.

"No," Saya said firmly, "at a place _without_ breasts."

"Awww, but those are my _favorite_!"

"I know, Kai. I know."

-At the Restaurant-

Saya and Kai now sat at a small table in a (no breasts) restaurant, awaiting their order. Saya fidgeted a bit and looked around.

"Hey, where's Riku?" She asked after a minute.

"Eh," Kai shrugged. "He said something about killin' his friend over a borrowed videogame, but I wasn't really _listening_ at the time, so…"

_Beep, beep, beep_!

"Order up!" The storeowner said, backing up a forklift piled with food. "Who ordered the football-team-supreme dish, huh? Where are the hungry little tykes? What we got, a whole team of football players?"

"Um…that'd be me." Saya said shyly, raising a hand. The storeowner stared at her in surprise.

"Oh." He coughed. "_Daaaaaaaamn, girl_! What happened? You get dumped, like, twenty times?"

"Just gimme the food!" Saya snatched her food off the forklift and shoved the man back behind the counter before chowing down. Sitting by the counter was a young girl, obviously the storeowner's daughter.

"Hmm…" Saya wondered, watching them interact, "I wonder if me and dad were like that?"

"For the last time, you are _not_ going out tonight!" The storeowner suddenly roared at his daughter. "You'll wind up pregnant like your whore mother!"

"You can't tell me what to do!" The daughter shrieked back, hurling plates at his head. "You're not the boss of me! I _hate_ you, dad!"

"…Thank God we weren't…" Saya thought to herself, hunching over her meal.

"Man, we should come here more often!" Kai mumbled around a mouthful of food, watching the fiasco. "This is better than the _movies_!"

After lunch, Saya and Kai went to the park, where Kai promised she'd find a surprise at the top of the hill. Immediately Saya sprinted down the path, bursting with excitement.

"Ooh! Maybe it's a gameboy!" She wondered as she ran. "Or a puppy! Or a _borderline lesbian friend_! _Gaaah_!" She screeched to a halt as she caught sight of Kaori (her friend who liked to lay on her for no reason, remember?) standing on the path ahead. Before she could sneak away into the bushes, Kaori turned and caught sight of her.

"Saya!" She cried happily. "I missed you!"

"See?" Kai said, walking up with Riku (who had just gotten back from killing- er, _visiting_ his friend). "Told you you'd be surprised!"

"Oh boy, _am_ I…" Saya said, smiling weakly.

"Hey," Riku said to Kaori, "no hard feelings about the shovel to the head, right?"

"Oh, none at all!" Kaori replied cheerfully. Then, as Riku turned to walk away, she whipped out a shovel and nailed him on the back of the head.

"Okay, time to go!" Saya grabbed Kaori's hand and dragged her up the hill before she could finish the job, leaving Kai and Riku to wait at the bottom.

"Hey, Kai," Riku asked once he'd gained consciousness again. "Why do we have to wait down here?"

"You kiddin' me?" Kai snorted. "They're probably _lezzin'_ it up as we speak. It'll be better we stay down here."

"…Have you forgotten how she tied me up in a basement?" Riku pressed. "And hit me over the head with a shovel, like, ten seconds ago?" Kai thought hard, furrowing his brow and sucking his teeth, before answering.

"YES."

Up on the top of the hill, Saya and Kaori were engaging in what we like to call 'girl-talk'. And no, it doesn't involve breasts and vagina's, for all you men out there.

"So, what happened?" Kaori asked, leaning in close to Saya. "Where'd you go? Who'd you meet? What'd you do?"

"Well…" Saya paused. "Weird places, monsters, and killed people, mostly. That answer your questions?"

"Yup!" Kaori beamed. "Look, I got this new nail polish, isn't it pretty?" She held out her hand proudly. "Wow, I like yours! What's it called?"

"Um…" Saya squirmed uncomfortably, tucking her hands into her sleeves. "Chiro-baby blood. Forgot to wash my hands."

"…Is that French?" Kaori wondered. "It sure sounds French."

"That's one way of putting it…" Saya muttered, then her eyes went wide and she whirled around, whipping her arm out to-

"_Gwaaaaagh_!"

Kill an innocent bystander who'd been standin' to close and made her think there was a monster behind her. Geez, he practically _deserved_ it, the fool!

"Oh! Oh my _God_!" Saya dropped the man's limp body and began to panic. "I didn't mean to! He was just…he just…don't stand in back of me, you idiot! I get enough of that from _Haji_!! Oh Lord, what am I gonna do with the body?!"

"Don't worry!" Kaori soothed, patting her shoulder. "I'll just bury him with all the others!"

"Wow, thanks, Kaori!" Saya was relieved. "You sure are my best- wait, _others_? Who else have you _killed_, girl? No, never-mind. I don't wanna know." She sighed and leaned on the railing, staring out at the town that lay before her. "This town…never changes…" She mused aloud. "But…_I'm_ changing…"

"Really?" Kaori came up alongside her and patted her chest. "Nope, you're just as flat-chested as always!"

"That's _not_ what I meant," Saya growled. "And I'll have you know I went from an A cup to a B cup, so THERE!"

"Saya…" Kaori smiled at her friend. "I just want you to know…I'll do anything I can to help you!"

"Yeah, sure," Saya grumbled. "Whenever I need a fill-in for Haji, I'll give you a call."

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Kaori suggested. "Let's go to the school!"

"_School_?" Saya raised an eyebrow. "Girl, why do you think I agreed to go off and be a main character, if not to get me OUT of that place?" Kaori just stared at her blankly. "Oh, alright, _fine_!"

-At the School-

"Aww…it's closed…" Kaori drooped in disappointment, staring dismally at the iron gate blocking the entrance to the school. Saya simply frowned.

"Kai!" She barked, snapping her fingers. He and Riku had come along for…heck, I don't even know _why_ they came along. They just…_did_.

"I dunno if my head can take it…" Kai said doubtfully.

"Just do it anyway! I'll take you to Hooters after!"

"Alright, alright!" Kai sighed and stepped up next to the gate. "Heee-_yaaaah_!" Once again he pulled back his head and gave it a bash. The iron buckled and gave way, but at a high price. "Aaaagh! My frontal _lobe_!!"

"Whoopsies!" Saya said sheepishly, crouching on the ground. "Here are the keys under the mat! My bad!" She looked up to see Kai staring at them all in utter confusion.

"Who are you people?" He asked suspiciously. "On second thought, who am _I_?"

"Nice job, Saya," Riku drawled.

"Eh, at least I don't have to take him to Hooters now." Saya shrugged and unlocked the twisted metal gate so everyone could go in. Once on the running track next to the school, Saya whipped off her jacket with an enthusiastic "Whoo!" and flung it over Kai's head for safekeeping.

"What am I doing here?" He whined from under the fabric.

"Can I borrow that shovel of yours?" Riku asked Kaori. She nodded.

"Sure! Just make sure to return it!"

_Konk_!

"…What'd I miss?" Kai asked, blinking and looking around (and thankfully not noticing the blood spurting from his head). Riku backed up and quickly returned the shovel.

"I'm about to show you pansies how to do a _real_ jump!" Saya barked, then took off toward the faraway high-jump. Closing in, she drew herself up for a dramatic leap…but her bottom smacked the bar as she went over, and she brought it and the poles tumbling down in a heap. "DAMMIT!!"

"Wow, and _I_ used to think you were supposed to jump _over_ it," Kai drawled.

"Do you have a death wish?" Riku asked him.

"I guess you were right, Saya!" Kaori said, running to her side. "You _have_ changed! Your butt got bigger! Here, lemme check!"

"_OhmyGodRikudon'tlook_!!" Kai gasped, quickly covering his brother's eyes with his hands while staring with utter fascination. "Holy CRAP!"

"Speak for yourself, pervert!" Riku grumbled.

After Kaori tired of touching Saya for unknown reasons, the two went to the local supermarket, Saya packing the cart full to bursting while Kaori patiently (and a bit sadly) tallied it up on a calculator. Suddenly Saya froze, her eyes landing on a table littered with objects marked 'sale!'.

"Oh, _cool_!" She breathed, walking over.

"What, the fireworks?" Kaori asked, coming beside her.

"Heck, _no_!" Saya scoffed. "Check it out! These pads are fifty percent off!"

"…We're gettin' the fireworks, girl!"

Meanwhile, Kai and Riku were waiting at the beach for the food to arrive, the older boy fanning the coals of a grill, trying to get it to light. He was having a rather hard time with it.

"Come on! _Light_, you mother-"

"Kai," Riku said firmly, "yelling at it _isn't_ going to help."

"Yeah, well, I don't know any other way!" Kai snapped back. Riku sighed.

"Ooh, look!" He cried with fake delight. "A pretty girl!"

"_Where_?!" Kai's head whipped around so fast he could have snapped his own neck. Immediately red lasers shot from Riku's eyes, hitting the stubborn coals and making them burst into hungry flames just as Kai turned back around. "You liar, there wasn't…" Finally he noticed the flaming grill. "Hey, I'm _awesome_!"

"Kai!" The boy in question looked up to find his two skuzzy-lookin' friends from earlier episodes walking toward him, waving. He smiled and waved back.

"Hey, guys."

"Kai!" The same friend repeated, eyes going wide and glittery. "Tell me! Is _Saya_ gonna be here?!"

"Um…no." Kai lied.

"Hey, we're back!" Saya called from the ridge, arms full of groceries. "Let's get this party _started_!"

"_Yes_," Kai corrected, his friend giving him death glares. Everyone began eating the food and chatting it up, having a nice time. Riku piled food on a plate and began walking off.

"Where you taking that?" Kai asked him. Riku didn't say anything, just pointed to the nearby stairs, where Haji was panting like a puppy dog and begging for some food. "Oh, alright."

"Here you go!" Riku said sweetly, holding the plate out to Haji, who snatched it away and began shoveling down the food. "Why don't you come over and visit us?"

"I'm fine up here," Haji replied shortly, then caught sight of Kaori wiping Saya's face with a napkin. "…Well, I should say hello." He shoved the empty plate back at Riku, then stormed down the steps and stood between Kaori and Saya like a restraining order. Later on, the kids played with the crappy-ass fireworks Kaori had bought on sale.

"You call that an effing _firework_?!" Kai's friend snorted. "I call that effing _pathetic_!"

"Hey, what did you expect, they were on sale!" Kaori shot back, then shoved her firework into his hair. As the foolish boy ran around screaming and beating at the flames in his hair, Saya and Kai were busy having another of those questionable 'moments'.

"Why not stay here?" Kai was saying to her as they sat together near to the waves. "I'll take care of you and Riku."

"I can't." Saya shook her head sadly. "I've got things to do, people to kill. Kai…stay by me always, and never leave…"

"Saya…I promise…" Kai said softly.

"A-_HEM_." Someone loudly cleared their throat behind them. Both turned to see Haji standing there, looking peeved. "There's not many fireworks left," he said.

"_What_?!" Saya leapt up from the sand and ran toward Kaori and the others. "Save some for me, bitch!" Haji watched her go, then stuck his tongue out at Kai before following.

-The Next Morning-

"Well…" Saya sighed and gave Kaori a sad smile. "I've gotta go now, okay? Goodbye…" Kaori burst into tears as Saya turned to leave and would have knocked her unconscious with her trusty shovel had not Riku expected this and tasered her.

"…Okay, first a shotgun, now a taser?" Kai raised an eyebrow at his little brother. "Where the hell do you _get_ these things, man?" Riku shrugged.

"I got connections."

Elsewhere, Louis, Julia, and David were gathered to hold a conference on what was goin' down. Upon laying his eyes (er, glasses?) on Julia and her concealing turtleneck, Louis immediately froze and craned his neck to look back at his rear.

"…What're you doing?" Julia asked curiously.

"Checking to see if baboons are flying out of my ass," Louis told her, "because it is _clearly_ the end of the world as we know it." Julia frowned and once again took out her notebook.

"Dear diary…_bleep_ Louis, too."

"But you know, Julia, it really is strange-" David began.

"Oh, for goodness sakes!" Julia slapped down her notebook and struggled her turtleneck off, flinging it off to the side and sitting down in naught but her lacey bra. "Happy now?!"

"_Ecstatic_," David replied sarcastically.

"Alright, listen up," Louis interrupted. "I'm gonna check out that Okamura sleaze out, while you guys head to Russia and freeze your asses off. Later!"

Back on the beach, Kai's two friends lay in nothing but their underwear on the sand. It had been one CRAZY party last night. A shadow fell over the two, and a sharp kick to the head roused them.

"Where's Kai?" Mao hissed, glaring down at the boys. "I know he was here, I can smell him!"

"…You know we can see up your skirt, right?" One of the braver friends ventured to point out.

"You know I'm going to kill you two anyway after I get Kai's location out of you, right?" Mao returned without missing a beat.

"Oh, EFF."

Too late, Mao! Kai was already on a boat departing from Okinawa, along with Riku and Saya, who stood by the railing and stared out at the town.

"I'll come back…" Saya told herself, watching the town drift away. "I'll definitely come back to the place I started!"

_Bang_!

Suddenly the cabin door flew open, and Haji emerged, panting with effort.

"Saya!" He gasped out between breaths, excitement sparkling in his eyes. "Come see the front of the boat! It's _huge_! We can do the _perfect_ Titanic there!"

"_What_?!" Saya spun on her heel and dashed toward him. "Wait for _meeee_!" They clasped hands and together skipped to the front of the boat.

"…Okay, the world's future is in HER hands?" Kai sighed.

"Yup." Riku nodded sadly.

"…We're doomed."

-Episode 14 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Hee hee. That was fun. Once again, I think the ending is my favorite part, what with Haji and Saya acting like dorks. Thanks for reading! See you next time! Review, please!


	15. Episode 15: I Want To Follow Her

Author's Note: Holy cow! I just checked my account and I now have over TWO HUNDRED reviews! That's…_199_ more than I ever thought I'd get! This is crazy! I'm still only on the fifteenth chapter, not even halfway! Thank you all so much for giving your comments and support! Anyway, back to the story. Oh, boy, it was another boring filler episode, only this time with Okamura! Despite it being a filler, I still had some fun (especially with Mao, all her fans be warned). Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 15

I Want To Follow Her!

Mao stood just inside Omoro's doorway, glaring around at the empty house. How _dare_ it be empty! Stupid house! Stupid Kai! She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and paused to admire her backside. …The mirror could stay. It was alright. But everything else would _burn_ in the fires of her holy rage!!

"Hmm…" Mao knelt next to the broken-down front door and examined a large concave mark on it, obviously caused by the blunt force of a forehead. A particularly _thick_ forehead. "No doubt about it…Kai was here…"

"Freeze, girlie!!" A policeman and his partner popped out of nowhere and leveled pistols at her from outside. "You're under arrest for breaking and entering! Hands up!"

"What? No! It wasn't me!" Mao protested. "Look at my perfectly unblemished forehead! You think _I_ did this?!"

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, toots." The policemen snapped some cuffs on Mao and began hauling her toward the nearby police car.

"No, wait!" Mao begged. "Please, you don't underst- _I will have you all killed_!!!"

-Elsewhere-

Somewhere in a dank, dark room, Solomon stepped out of the shadows and gently stroked the side of the elusive container that David and the others were so hell-bent on finding.

"Oh, now YOU'RE gonna give me trouble?!" The container snarled, shrinking away from Solomon's touch. "What about me makes me so damn _irresistible_?!!"

"…Your…personality?" Solomon came up empty and shrugged. "I was gonna say your eyes but you don't really…have any. So, anyway-"

"How is it?" A voice from behind interrupted Solomon and his disturbing flirtations with the container. The owner of the voice was a tall black man dressed in a smart suit, and he was glaring at Solomon.

"Oh, it's you!" The handsome young man beamed. "James, my favorite brother! How you doing?"

"…Brother?" James raised an eyebrow, glancing between Solomon's pale visage and his healthy brown one.

"Yes, of course, _brothers_!" Solomon assured him. "We're almost like _twins_!"

"…I ain't touching that one with a ten-foot pole." James sighed. "Anyways, where is Karl?"

"Missing," Solomon answered, "but I have the perfect replacement for him! Her name's Vixen, and I met her in a strip club where she-"

"No," James snapped, not bothering to wait and hear the rest.

"But couldn't we just-"

"No."

"This one time-"

"No."

"Buh-"

"NO."

"I…" Solomon drew himself up, tears welling in his eyes, "HATE you!!" He turned and ran sobbing from the room.

"Mission complete," James sighed in satisfaction. "Now I can die happy."

"Good for you!" The container cheerily congratulated. "Now get the _bleep_ away from me."

-With Okamura-

Okamura lay on his ruffled bed, staring despondently at the ceiling as he pulled a drag from his cigarette. He was deep in thought, mulling over the strange occurrences in Vietnam, his meeting with the mysterious Saya, and a suspicious rash he had discovered spreading over his…well, you know.

"Damn…" He thought, blowing smoke from his nose, "it's so _boring_ since I got back from Vietnam. I wish…I wish _something_ would happen. Anything, really."

_Beep, beep, beep_!!

Okamura's smoke detector, triggered by his cigarette smoke, began beeping like crazy and immediately the sprinklers in his room switched on, drenching the journalist and all his possessions thoroughly.

"Not really what I had in mind," Okamura sighed, "but it's a start."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Okamura's bed-ridden mother screeched from the other room. "Smoke _outside_, you hooligan!!"

"Fine! I'm _going_!" Okamura spat back, angrily sitting up. The ash from the tip of his cigarette chose that time to break off and land sizzling on the crotch of his pants. "_Ieeeee_!!! My balls! I'll be _impotent_!"

"…Looks like God knows what he's doing," his mother grumbled to herself.

"See how you like not havin' any grandkids to spoil! I'm _leaving_!" Okamura threw on some clothes, grabbed his camera and shoulder-pack, and started for the door.

"Pick me up some of my feminine products while you're out!" His mother called.

"NO!!" Okamura roared. "You can drag yourself down to the corner store and buy them on your own!" He slammed the door shut for emphasis as he left. Several seconds later, the door meekly creaked open, and he poked his head back in. "Do you want with or without wings?"

"With!"

"…Okay."

_SLAM_!

"And stop slamming the damn door!" His mother screeched. Immediately the door was eased open again, then slammed shut one last time.

"That's it, mister! You're _grounded_ when you get back! No Xbox for you!"

By this time, Okamura was already in his car and driving down the road. Pulling a small packet of pictures from his bag, his flipped through them until he found it – the picture he'd taken of Saya, Haji, and the Phantom during their fight in the wine cellar below the all-girl's school.

"This _picture_…" Okamura grumbled, staring intently at the smiling faces waving at the camera. "…I wish _I'd_ been in it, too. Then it would have been totally aweso-"

_CRASH_!!!

Okamura plowed into the back end of the car in front of him. Apparently thinking to oneself while staring at a picture _isn't_ a smart thing to do while behind the wheel.

"Hey, watch it, buddy!" The driver of the smashed car shook his fist. "You can have an inner monologue when you're _not_ drivin', a-hole!"

"Sorry! I'm sorry!" Okamura slowly backed up his vehicle and blinked as a policeman appeared next to his window.

"What's this I hear about an _inner_ monologue?" He hissed, glaring at Okamura in disgust. "You make me _sick_! That'll be one _thousand_ dollars."

"For an inner monologue?! Are you kidding me?!!"

"Would you rather be taken to jail and become somebody's bitch?"

A little while later, Okamura (now one thousand dollars broker) sat at his desk in the journalism office, doodling in his notebook and having yet another mental discussion with himself.

"Saya…the school…the wine…. How are they all _connected_?" Okamura thought to himself, doodling a skeleton, which was obviously meant to be David. "If I had just _one_ more clue-"

"HEY!!" Okamura's boss appeared behind him and bopped him upside the head with a rolled-up magazine. "I ain't payin' ya to sit there thinkin' to yerself! Have an inner monologue on yer _own_ damn time!"

"Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!" Okamura sputtered, crouching over his paperwork. His boss grunted and turned to go. "Fat pig…" Okamura thought angrily.

"I heard that!!"

"_Gaah_! I…I'm running away to France! Bye!" Okamura grabbed his things and was out the door in ten seconds flat. A pair of darkened glasses watched him go as he jumped into his car and drove away. Louis, who was sitting in a nearby van, slowly and sinisterly reached into his pocket and withdrew…a _popsicle_. But…this wasn't just any _ordinary_ popsicle…it was…_raspberry_.

Dun dun DUNNNN!

(Okay, seriously, how the hell was Louis supposed to be menacing with that damn popsicle? It just struck me as really weird.)

"Here, man! I've got a job for you! Analyze this bottle of wine!" Okamura smiled charmingly and held out the bottle of wine he'd found from his efforts in Vietnam.

"Wine? WINE?!" The old professor sitting before him glared daggers. "I'm a recovering alcoholic, for goodness sakes! I still attend AA meetings! It tore apart my family for years!"

"So…then…I guess you don't-" Okamura began pulling the wine away.

"I didn't say no!" The old man snapped, snatching the bottle from Okamura and cradling it in his arms before stowing it away in his lab coat. "Now, what else do you want? Some info? Let's see…" He closed his eyes and randomly chose a destination. "Go to…the _hospital_! Now get out!"

-At the Hospital-

"Hi!" Okamura said pleasantly, leaning on the front desk and smiling at the nurse. "I'm looking for any information on a patient from here named George, occupation; man-whore?"

"Oh, I remember him!" The nurse giggled and blushed. "I was his nurse! What a charming man!"

"Alright, whore! Spill the beans!" Okamura barked, pounding the desk with his fist. "What happened to him? Where'd he go?! Answer me!"

"_Sir_," the nurse said coldly, "I may be a whore but that does NOT give you the right to raise your voice to me! OUT!!"

As Okamura was thrown out by security, another nurse dashed into the room, panic clear on her face.

"We need a doctor, _stat_!" She cried as Kai's two friends were wheeled in on stretchers. "These two young men are in critical condition! I'm talking level-five noogies, code-red Indian burns, plus their testicles have been so badly crushed they're legally _females_ now!"

"My _God_…" the nurse behind the desk whispered in horror. "Who could have _done_ such a thing?"

From wherever she was at the moment, Mao sneezed and wiped her nose.

"Effin' allergies…"

"Hmm…" Okamura picked himself out of the trash in the gutter and rubbed his chin. "I need more information…time to go see my pimp, Shuganuts!!" So he hopped on a bus, and went to go see his friend.

"I told you, my name's Sorimachi! I'm not your pimp, so stop calling me that!" Okamura's friend scowled as the journalist pushed past him and sat at his desk, searching through his things without a second thought. "And don't touch my stuff!"

"Come on, Shuganuts-"

"SORIMACHI!"

"Alright, _Sorimachi_. Tell me the scoop on this George man-whore guy! _Please_?" He batted his eyelashes and smiled bashfully.

"Knock it off before I puke," Sorimachi growled, struggling to hold his food down. "And no, I still won't tell you."

"Fine, fine…" Okamura steepled his fingers and gave his friend a dark look over them. "But I'll bet your wife wouldn't be happy to hear about your antics at the rugby training camp, eh?"

"That was _you_!!"

"…Oh. Right." Okamura coughed and searched desperately for a reason. "Fine, I'll…_give you what you want_." He blushed and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa! What the _bleep_ are you _doing_?" Sorimachi backed up until he hit the wall.

"P…paying for the information with my incredibly hot body." Okamura explained.

"Okay, number one: No." Sorimachi drawled. "And number two: _Bleep_ no."

Okamura drooped in disappointment. No information for him, and no sex, either.

"Alright, alright, tell you what," Sorimachi sighed, "you're so pathetic I feel sorry for you, and I'll tell you, okay?"

"Horray for _desperation_!" Okamura cheered.

"Just shut up and take this!" Sorimachi barked, handing his friend (?) his pad of notes. Okamura flipped through them, looking for information on George and his family.

"_Sayo_?!" Okamura scoffed, quirking an eyebrow at the odd name. "Who the eff is dumb enough to call their kid _Sayo_?! People who name their kid that should be dragged into the street, shot, then eaten by rabid dogs!"

"…My _daughter's_ name is Sayo," Sorimachi said quietly.

"Then it's a _lovely_ name." Okamura stated. From the piece of paper, he quickly found out Saya's school and decided to head there. "I've got you now, Sayo!"

"It's _Saya_!"

-At the School- 

Kaori skipped out of school and smiled up at the blue sky. Today had been a wonderful day. Sure, Saya was gone, but she was holding auditions for her next borderline-lesbian friend and had narrowed it down to twelve girls. She'd also aced her term paper with a C minus (she'd gotten a C minus, but using death threats and a gun had managed to coerce her teacher into magically raising the grade). Everything was going great today! There was nothing that could ruin-

"_Kaori_!!" Mao roared, charging through a line of hapless freshman to reach Kaori, who sighed heavily but stopped to wait. "Why didn't you tell me about Kai?!!" Kaori didn't reply, just stared back at her blankly. "…Okay, you got me there, that _was_ a pretty stupid question, but you didn't have to leave me out of that kick-ass party! It hurt my _feelings_!" She sniffed and wiped a dry eye.

"Oh, _please_," Kaori rolled her eyes. "You don't _have_ feelings. Other than rage."

"Well, at least I'm _trying_!" Mao stomped her foot. "I'm trying to love Kai, but it's always Saya this, Saya that, Saya, Saya, Saya, SAYA!!"

"…Why are you shouting Saya's name?" Kaori asked nervously.

"Because I _feel_ like it!" Mao snapped. Her outburst, of course, had caught the attention of Okamura, who was lurking in the nearby bushes. He leapt out and scuttled over toward the girls.

"Did someone just say 'Saya'?" He asked, eyeing the two.

"No, we will _not_ have sex with you!" Mao barked. "Get lost, pervert!"

"Hey, no!" Okamura sputtered, groping around in his pockets. "Look, here's my card!" He handed it over to Mao, who looked and it and frowned.

"Professional pervert?" She read aloud.

"_Aagh_! No! Wrong card!" Okamura snatched the card back and crammed it into his pocket. "Anyway, listen. I want to _show_ you something…" He withdrew a photo and handed it to the girls, who leaned in close to see.

"…It's you in some pink underwear thing," Mao said after a moment.

"Wha? Oh, crap!" Okamura quickly ripped up the picture, ate the scraps, and began searching for the correct one.

"_I_ think it suited you!" Kaori stated pleasantly.

"Kaori…just shut up." Mao sighed.

"Here it is!" Finally Okamura found the right picture and showed the girls. It was of Saya in the midst of fighting Karl in his Phantom outfit.

"Hey! _That's_ the whore who stole my boyfriend!" Mao cried in outrage, glaring at the picture. "It's Saya! Where is she? Do you know anything about her? Is Kai with her? _TELL ME WHERE MY BOYFRIEND IS, OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS SO HARD, I WILL CREATE A VAGINA_!!!"

By this time Mao had grabbed Okamura by the collar and hoisted him high over her head, so his feet dangled a foot above the ground and he gurgled for air, his face turning a dangerous shade of purple.

"_Guuurgh_…._gwaaaargh_!" He managed to gasp out.

"What?" Mao growled, shaking him.

"_Aaaaair_!!!"

"Oh." Mao dropped the photographer and watched his flop around and gasp for air like a dying fish.

"…You're scary, Mao." Kaori said in a small voice.

"Gee, thanks," Mao replied. "That means a lot comin' from _you_."

-Later-

Mao and Okamura were now at a nearby eatery, where they were deep in a conversation concerning Mao's questionable heritage.

"_Jahana_?!!" Okamura sputtered, spilling his drink. "As in the Jahana mob- er, I mean gangsters- oh, uh, mafia- _please don't kill me_!!!" He curled up into a ball in his seat, whimpering and shivering in fear.

"Oh, shut it." Mao rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink. "I'm not going to kill you…"

"Oh, thank-" Okamura lifted his head.

"…_Yet_." Mao finished. Okamura eyes went wide and he whimpered some more. Plus he peed a little. Behind the two, as could be seen through the window, Louis got in his van and began driving _sloooowly_ back and forth by the window, staring intently at the two inside. They, of course, didn't notice.

"Here, look at this." Okamura pulled out the old pictures his daddy had taken during the Vietnam war. In them, Saya brandished a sword and fought some chiropterans, and in another, she and the chiropteran held hands and smiled at the camera, waving happily.

"Hah! No _way_ that can be Saya!" Mao laughed when she saw them. "_Unless_…"

"_Unless_…" Okamura joined in.

"Unless she got _Botox_!" Mao slapped the table with her hand. "That bitch! I _knew_ it! There was no way she could have such a perfect complexion! I'm ON to you, Saya! I know your _secret_!!"

_"Get it on the floor, get it, get it on the floor! Get it on the floor, get it, get it on the floor! Ya don't wanna party then your bleep's gotta go, ya don't wanna party then your bleep's gotta go! And you can ride to this mother-bleeper, bounce to this motherbleeper, freak to this motherbleeper, let's get it on!"_

"Oh, that's me!" Mao gave Okamura a funny look as he fished out his phone and flipped it open, cutting off the DMX song. "Yello? Oh, hey, Doctor! Did ya analyze that wine for me? What did you- _what_? Whoa, whoa! Slow down, man! You did WHAT? To _who_? Are…are you sure he's…shotgun to the face, huh? …Alrighty." Okamura went quiet for a moment. "Well, then I can't be seen talkin' to ya, man. Have fun in jail." He hung up and snapped the phone closed.

"…What the hell was that about?" Mao asked.

"Eh, nothing." Okamura shrugged. "I gave wine to a raging alcoholic. Not one of my better choices." He took a loud slurp of his drink, then looked at Mao seriously. "Anyway, I wanna head over to France, but I don't think even you could raise the money no matter _how_ many guys you slept with. So just buzz off, will ya?"

Mao glared at him, then rose from the table, tossed her head, and stormed out. Moments later Louis crashed his van through the window, narrowly hitting Okamura.

"Ya notice me _now_, bitch?!"

-Later That Night-

Okamura stumbled to his car and fumbled the door open. Once inside, he yawned, his jaw cracking. Man, he was _beat_. He couldn't wait to go home, fall on his bed, and get a good night's-

_Bang_!

Suddenly Mao appeared out of nowhere and slammed herself up against Okamura's driver-side window. He shrieked like a girl-scout and clutched himself in terror.

"_Ohmygoshpleasedon'trapeme_!!" He screamed at her.

"Let. Me. IN." Mao snarled, and he wisely obeyed. Once she was riding shotgun, Okamura noticed the large suitcase she held tightly in her hands.

"What's in-" He began to ask.

"DRIVE!" Mao snapped. Okamura slammed on the gas and the two peeled outta there, roaring down the road and coming to a stop at a red light. "…Look, I got the money for the trip to France." She cracked open the suitcase an inch and showed Okamura the piles of green. He stared at her blankly for several seconds, then punched her across the face and shoved her out the door, taking off down the road with the money.

"Get _back_ here!" Mao hollered, yanking out a gun and leveling it at the back of the car. Immediately it screeched to a halt and meekly reversed to her side, where she snatched open the door and climbed back in.

"Sorry," Okamura grunted. "Instinct. But _damn_, girl! How many people did you sleep with to get that kind of money?! I was just _joking_!"

"It's none of your business how I got the money!" Mao stated, grabbing the suitcase and holding it to her chest. She smiled evilly, eyes bright with excitement. "I'll get you, Kai," she cackled to herself, "and your little Saya, too! _Kyaaaahahahahahaha_!!"

"…What are you doing?" Okamura asked, staring at her in utter confusion.

"Nothing," Mao shot back, then smacked him upside the head. "The light's green, idiot!"

"What have I got myself into…?" Okamura sighed as he pressed on the gas and went driving off into the night.

-Episode 15 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew, done. Maaan, Adult Swim _sucks_! They pushed back Blood 's time, so it's on at 1:30 instead of 12:30! That means I gotta stay up a whole damn _hour_ later on Saturday nights, which is CRAP. I don't know about you guys, but I like me some sleep. So, I said something along the lines of "_bleep_ it" and just watched the rest of the episodes in Japanese. Yay, I'm finally done! Now to make fun of it all… Oh, and if anyone thinks I was too hard on Mao, tell me and I'll lighten up on her. I know she's bossy and all, and I like to exploit that, but if I offended anyone then I'll tone it down. Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! Review, please!


	16. Episode 16: Siberian Express

Author's Note: I think this is my favorite chapter so far. Seriously. I had so much effin' fun writing the notes before I even _began_ putting it together into a chapter. It's probably because I went a little nuts with everyone since they're finally all together again in this episode. Enjoy! I know I did! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood

Episode 16

Siberian Express

In a snow-filled wonderland of sparkling white pleasure, a large military-like vessel cut through the frozen waves of a bitter cold ocean. As the boat continued on its merry way, a door onboard creaked open, and Saya and Riku stepped out into the snow.

"_Woooow_!" Riku's cooed, his breath visible in the chill. "It's so pretty…"

"Yes, it is…" Saya joined in. The siblings enjoyed a peaceful moment of perfect silence and bliss. "FACEWASH!!!" Hey, I _did_ say a moment. Saya jumped onto Riku and smashed his face down into the slush, rubbing it around with vigor.

"Come _on_, you two!" Kai snorted, rolling his eyes at them. "Act your age!" Riku raised his head up and together with Saya stared at their brother for several seconds, at the end of which they scooped up handfuls of snow and began pelting him with snowballs. "Ow! OW! _Hey_!" Kai barked, trying to defend himself with his feeble arms. "That last one had a chunk of _ice_ in it!!"

As the three siblings had their fun, the boat drew near a quiet town covered in snow. Docking at the bay, Riku and Saya broke off attacking Kai to join the others as they clattered down the stairs to the dock below.

"Hey, Haji," Saya greeted her man-slave, who stood next to her, shivering in his normal clothes (everyone else had smartly donned parkas to keep warm from the cold). "How ya doing?"

"My nards are frozen solid," Haji stated through chattering teeth. "I could chip them off with an ice-pick."

"Oh, quit complaining." Saya smacked his shoulder. "Besides, _you're_ the one who refused to wear a jacket in the first place."

"I'll look all _frumpy_!" Haji snapped irritably. "If you got it, _flaunt_ it, sister!"

"I'm _not_ your damn sis-"

"Hello!" A voice (thankfully) stopped that conversation short. Saya looked up to see a young, pretty woman with brown hair waving at the crew from the dock. "Welcome to Russia! You can call me Liza." She strode forward, straight to Kai, where she leaned in and gave him a peck on each cheek. Kai's jaw nearly hit the ground and he gurgled unintelligibly.

"Holy crap…" He gasped out. "Did I just _score_?!"

"It's just a greeting, Kai!" Now it was Riku's turn to roll his eyes at his brother. He grinned and held his arms out toward Liza. "Gimme some sugar, toots!" Liza smiled and did so, then also gave Saya some lovin'. She didn't even give Haji a second look and walked back toward David and Julia. A single tear slid down Haji's cheek, where it froze in place.

"Haji, you've got some snot on your face," Saya told him.

"Poor boy!" Louis chortled at Kai, who was still blushing. "You're _never_ gonna get some!"

"Hey!!" Kai whirled around and glared at him. "_I'm_ not the one with a live raccoon jammed on his head!"

"Huh?" Louis glanced up at his funny raccoon hat. "What are you talking about? It's not- _ohmyGoditisalive_!!! _Eaaaargh_!" Louis fell to the ground, rolling and flailing around as he battled with the rabid animal clawing at his head. Saya, Riku, and Kai watched with amusement.

"I put ten on the raccoon," Saya said aloud.

"Hah! I got twenty he wins, then EATS the raccoon," Kai scoffed.

"You're ON, bitch!" Saya shot back, and the two began cheering the combatants on.

Julia and David, meanwhile, were busy discussing important matters with Liza.

"Nice hat," David told Julia, eyeing her tall, fuzzy black Russian hat.

"You like it?" Julia beamed proudly.

"Yes," David answered sincerely. "It distracts from your huge tits. So, anyway," he turned to Liza as Julia contemplated stabbing him with an icicle, "how are we traveling?"

"Oh, that's simple." Liza smiled and pointed to the left, saying in a high-pitched voice, "Da train! Da train!" When Julia and David stared at her awkwardly, she blushed and lowered her arm. "Er, sorry…"

"You know, David," Julia tried one more time, inching closer to him, "one way to survive the extreme cold at night is to…_sleep_ together."

"That's great," David returned. "I'll see if Louis has any extra room for me."

-Later-

Everyone gathered around the train they were planning on traveling in to check it out. Saya and Riku were off on their own, studying the route the train would take.

"Hey, I know this route!" Riku exclaimed out of the blue.

"Wow, really?" Saya was impressed. "How?"

"Because it's the same route _I_ plan to take when I conquer Russia!"

"Cool!" Saya smiled, then frowned. "Wait, what?"

"Let's make snow angels!" Riku quickly suggested.

"Okay!" Saya threw herself backwards into a pile of snow and vigorously flailed her arms and legs about. Haji was busy beside her constructing a life-sized Saya snowman, paying special attention to the chest and ass regions.

"You guys are _dorks_." Kai stated. "Hey look! Frost!" He stupidly licked a metal pole and the result was predictable. "Gah! Helf me, guyth! I'm thtuck!" Saya, Riku, and Haji stared at him blankly.

"Let's take his wallet!"

"And his pants!"

"_Yeah_!"

"You _ath_-holeth!" Kai howled around his frozen tongue. Behind his struggling form, an old woman shuffled up, dragging along a heavy-looking suitcase. "Hey, gwanny! You goth any hoth wather?"

"_What_?!" The old lady cried in outrage. "How _dare_ you be fresh with me, you little pant-less hoodlum?!" She began bashing his shins with her cane in fury. Riku wandered over and generously offered to help the old lady aboard.

"Why, thank you, young man!" The old lady gushed, blushing a little. Riku took her hand, stepped forward, and-

_Crash_!

Slipped on the ice, bringing the feeble old lady with him onto the hard and unforgiving frozen ground.

"Argh! My new hip!"

"Um, maybe it'd be better if you _didn't_ help her…" Saya suggested.

"Nonsense!" Riku shot back before he fell again, this time right onto the lady's brittle backbone.

Several muttered curses and broken old-lady bones later, everyone was on the train and sitting in their respective cabins as the train chugged and took off.

"_Whoo_! Time to air these puppies out!" Julia cried, whipping off her constricting jacket and letting her large breasts out into the world. Her roommate, Liza, gazed sadly down at her own, much smaller bust.

"It…it's the cold," she told herself. "It…stunts their growth."

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Julia patted her shoulder comfortingly.

"What the _hell_?!" Kai was complaining to David, who sat in his own cabin with Louis as his roommate. "I don't like the room arrangements!!" David gave a big sigh and looked up from his paperwork.

"What don't you like?" He asked in a bored tone.

"_Everything_!" Kai snapped back. "First, I'm stuck with Riku! I've been stuck with him for _years_, don't I deserve a friggin' break? And second, why is Saya shacked up with that pervert?! I'll be able to hear they _fornicating_ through the wall!!"

"Oh, fine." David grumbled, but switched Kai and Saya around. "Happy now?"

"N-"

"Don't care!" David slammed the door shut, leaving Kai all alone with Haji. The stubborn boy threw himself down on a seat and glared a challenge to Haji, who ignored him and continued fiddling with his cello-bow. An awkward silence filled the cabin.

"…Wanna know how to kill a man with one of these?" Haji asked suddenly.

"_SAYAAAAAAAAA_!"

Several days passed as the train continued chugging down the rails, with the crew eating, chatting, and sleeping at intervals. Poor Kai, who was stuck with Haji, had to put up with his cello-playing and his even more annoying habit of talking his ears off.

"Gimme that bow," Kai snapped after a particularly long discussion about how perfectly shaped Saya's backside was (it wasn't really a discussion, just Haji prattling on and on while Kai covered his ears and prayed for strength). "I wanna put myself out of my misery."

"But then you won't hear about my stories from the second _grade_!" Haji whined.

Finally Kai had had enough and stormed to Saya's room, Haji still chattering on behind him. He slammed the door open, then jabbed a finger in Haji's direction.

"SHUT. HIM. UP!!!"

"Oh." Saya blinked. "Haji! Shh!" She clapped her hands and immediately Haji's mouth snapped shut.

"Are you effing _kidding_ me?" Kai hissed. "All I had to do was ASK?!"

"Yup." Saya picked up her book and began reading again.

"_Mother-fu-_"

_Choo-choo_!!

"Thanks, train!" Saya said sweetly.

"You're welcome!" The train answered.

-Dinner Time!-

Yay! It's dinner time! The crew joined all the other passengers in the dining hall, David, Louis, Julia, and Liza at one table, while Haji, Saya, Riku, and Kai sat at the one opposite.

"Aren't you gonna eat your food, David?" Julia asked, eyeing his untouched plate of edibles.

"Oh, goodness, _no_," David shook his head. "I don't need _that_ much. I can just filter feed." He took several deep, gasping breaths, sucking in air noisily and blowing it out again. "_Delicious_! I'm full!"

"…Seriously, man, go see a doctor," Louis stated, licking his plate clean. "I'm pretty sure it's not healthy to live on tiny organisms drifting around in the air." Putting his plate down, he magically pulled out a hidden candy bar.

"Wow!" Liza gasped in amazement. "Where do you store those?"

"You _don't_ wanna know," Louis said darkly, then unwrapped the bar and took a bite. Liza paled and slowly pushed her plate of food away.

"I…think I've lost my appetite."

"And _I_ found it!" Saya cried, snatching up the plate and gobbling it down. The same old lady from behind came shambling down the aisle, pausing as Riku suddenly moved from his seat.

"Oh, thank you, dear!" The old lady cooed.

"I'm not givin' you my seat, Gramma!" Riku barked, shoving the old lady away. "My _ass_ was getting numb is all!"

"Riku, that's no way to treat- _oh_!" Saya blinked in surprise as Haji rose from beside her, offering the old lady his own seat. She hesitated, looking at him curiously.

"But where will _you_ sit?" She asked. Haji didn't answer, just slowly slid under the table and curled up at Saya's feet, purring happily. "…What a strange young man…" The old lady murmured, taking his seat. She watched Saya put away enough food to feed an army in ten seconds flat. "Goodness, you're certainly a porker, aren't you?" The old lady chuckled, then shrieked in pain. "Owch! Something just _bit_ me!"

"What?" Saya looked up from her plate, then glared under the table. "Bad Haji! Bad!" She kicked him in the ribs to teach him a lesson, which made everyone laugh. The occupants of the table opposite glared jealously at them.

"Quick, everyone," Louis whispered, "act like I just told the best joke ever!" Everyone nodded, then laughed loudly. "_Hahahaha_! We're having _sooo_ much fun over at _this_ table!!" Saya and the others didn't even glance their way. "Yeah, _pretend_ like you can't hear us!!"

"Calm down, Louis," Julia soothed.

"Say…you guys wanna hear my life story?" Liza asked them. They all coughed and averted their eyes.

"Um…we're kinda _eating_?" Louis came up with. "Well, I am, anyway."

"And I'm too busy, uh…having sex with Julia," David said quickly.

"Really?!" Julia stared at him in amazement.

"No, not really!" David whispered back. "I just made up the most ridiculous excuse I could think of so I wouldn't have to listen to her crappy story."

"Oh." Julia sat back in her seat and glared at him. "Sorry, Liza," she said airily, "I'll be too busy scraping off David's _balls_ with a cheese grater."

"You guys are so RUDE!" Liza burst into tears and ran off. No-one really cared.

"You gonna eat that?" Louis pointed at David's plate. See what I mean?

Liza ran off to the bathroom, where she had a good cry and was just composing herself when a stranger crept in behind her.

"Do _you_ want to hear my life story?" She asked the stranger hopefully.

"_Eff_ no," the stranger retorted.

"You're _all_ a bunch of _assholes_!" Liza sobbed before she was drained of all her blood and flung from the train. Poor lady doesn't get a break.

-Meanwhile-

Saya lay in Julia's cabin, stretched out on one of the seats as an IV pumped blood into her. _Eugh_.

"How do you feel?" Julia asked from where she sat on the seat opposite, working on her laptop.

"…Vaguely familiar…" Saya admitted, eyes on Julia's patented short skirt and open shirt combo.

"I can't imagine _why_!" Julia stated, propping up her breasts some more, then went back to typing.

"Hey, Julia…" Saya said quietly. "Can you tell me…what happened in Vietnam?"

"Vietnam? Well…" Julia paused and pursed her lips. "What episode is this?"

"Um…16?"

"Then no."

_Tik, tak, tik, tak._

"Dammit, that's not _fair_!" Saya loudly complained. "I still don't know what I AM!"

"Of course you do, honey," Julia said amiably, eyes still glued to her computer screen. "You're the main character. Now be a good girl and shut the hell up. I'm trying to hack into David's e-mail to see if I have any competition."

In the neighboring cabin, Haji had once again broken out his cello and began playing Stevie Wonder's 'Superstitious' to calm down Saya's rage and also annoy Kai to no end. Two birds with one stone, baby!

"Um, can I try?" Riku, who was also in the same cart at the moment, asked shyly. Amazingly Haji stopped and handed him the instrument. "Hey, thanks! Let's see now…" As Riku dragged the bow across the cello strings, the sounds emanating from the unfortunate instrument would have made two rabid mating cats howl in agony. Haji's eye twitched, and he quickly punched Riku out and snatched his things back before he could continue. "Sorry," Riku said sheepishly, nursing his cheek. "Bad idea."

Back in Julia's cabin, the door suddenly opened, and Liza stepped in.

"Geez, what took you so long?" Julia asked, quirking an eyebrow at the woman.

"I'm…severely constipated," Liza said blankly. "Seriously, I haven't crapped in so long I could almost throw myself off the train which I totally _didn't_ because that would be stupid _and_ completely pointless." She coughed nervously and fidgeted.

"O…_kay_…" Julia stared at her for a long moment, then shrugged and went back to her computer. Saya sighed and tried to relax, but she suddenly sat bolt upright as a sensation jolted through her. "What is it, Saya?" Julia asked, worried.

"Something's…_wrong_!" Saya whispered, eyes narrowing. "I feel it! Yes, something is definitely wrong!" She climbed to her feet, then snatched her backpack from the ground. "I knew it! I'm out of _Easy Mac_! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"ROOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

"Oh, and that, too," Saya added guiltily as the chiropteran's cry resonated through the train. The lights snapped off (making Louis squeal in fright and clutch David in their cabin) and everything was pitch-black, making it hard to see as Saya hurried to the door and out into the hall. The others were already out there, waiting for her. As Saya stepped out of her room, the door at the end of the hall burst open and a chiropteran appeared in the doorway, snarling and growling.

"A chiropteran?!" David cried. "What's it doing here?"

"Well," Saya stated matter-of-factly, "it appears it's taking the train, _duh_! Chiropterans gotta travel, too, you know!"

"Alright, shut up and kill it!" David growled, shoving Saya towards the creature. "Get back!" He told the others, who diligently obeyed.

"Ya don't gotta tell _me_ twice!" Kai muttered, haulin' ass to the back of the car.

"Haji!" Saya held out her hand imploringly.

"Yes, Saya," Haji nodded, knowing exactly what his mistress wanted. He reached behind him and placed in her hand…

A packet of Easy Mac.

"Not THAT!" Saya barked, whipping the packet at his head. "I meant my _sword_, dumbass! How am I supposed to fight a chiropteran with some Easy Mac?!"

"…By using its cheesy goodness?" Haji guessed.

"SWORD!!"

"Alright, alright!" Haji yanked out Saya's sword and handed it to her. "You don't have to _yell_!"

"Where did they _come_ from?!" Julia wondered aloud as Saya unsheathed her blade and charged forward.

"It's obvious," David patiently explained. "They're those two men on the train who were interested in meeting Julia and Liza because of their hot looks but the fic author didn't see this as very important and so cut it out from the finished story so as to leave more room for making fun of everyone else and-" He stopped short and staggered, feeling light-headed from loss of air.

"Breath, man, breath!" Louis coached.

"Put your head between your legs!" Julia coached. "Or even better, between my brea-"

"Now's not the _time_, girlfriend!" Louis snapped.

Suddenly another chiropteran appeared, crashing down through the ceiling and effectively cutting off Saya and Haji's escape route, meaning they were now in the middle of a pincer attack, with a chiropteran on either side of the hall. Hot damn! Saya and Haji split up to each kill one, but as Haji struck out, his chiropteran leapt upward and escaped onto the train rooftop.

"Hey! You jumped!" Haji cried in outrage. "That's _cheating_! I'm telling Saya!"

"Just shut up and follow it!" Saya barked. Haji pouted, but obeyed. A nearby door suddenly slid open, and a very, very stupid man poked his head out to see what all the hullabaloo was about. Needless to say, he was almost killed.

"GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM!!" Saya screamed in his face before kicking him back and slamming the door shut.

"What horrible service this is!" The stupid man muttered. "That maid was SO rude! …But pretty hot."

"Let's go somewhere without NPC's!" David suggested once he'd regained his breath. He and the other non-fighters took off down the hall, heading toward the front of the train, where it was less populated and therefore…safer? I don't…really know.

Meanwhile, a deadly battle was being played out on the top of the train. Haji and his chiropteran opponent faced off, glaring at each other through the snow and ice. Suddenly they both jumped, rushing toward one another, weapons raised, ready to-

_Slip_!

_Crash_!

You don't even _need_ those sound effects to know they both slipped on the icy roof and nearly fell off. Both staggered to their feet, which were slipping and sliding every way, and attempted to get close enough to exchange blows. It didn't work. They ended up looking like three-year olds at an ice-skating rink.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Saya muttered from below, then slammed her sword up through the roof and stabbed the chiropteran from beneath, killing it dead.

"Hey," Haji shot back defensively, "if I had some skates, that thing would have been dead like _that_!" He snapped his fingers to show what he meant.

"Sure thing, Haji." Saya sighed. "Let's go see how the others are doing."

The others were NOT doing well. The blood-thirsty chiropteran was on their tail, following them through the cars, and no amount of insults or promises to get it on the Oprah program would make it stop (although the Oprah thing _did_ get it to pause and consider for a few seconds). Finally David and the others reached a roofless car packed with weapons and the like, which they then began to use on the hapless monster.

"I want the shotgun!" Riku cried.

"You don't _get_ a shotgun!" Kai snapped at him. "You get a hand grenade. Live with it."

"_Awww_…"

The chiropteran staggered back from the onslaught of weapons, then slipped and fell beneath the train wheels just as Saya appeared through the doorway.

"What'd I miss?" She asked amongst the grotesque crunches and screams of the suffering chiropteran. "And what the hell is that noise?"

"Horray, we ran it over!" Riku cheered to no-one in particular. "Oh, no, wait. _Boo_! Now it's gonna sue us!"

"Ya damn right!" The chiropteran snarled, suddenly heaving its broken body over the train side and grabbing Riku's leg. "I'm taking you to The People's Court! That judge Marilyn Milian is HOT!"

"While I agree with you on her hotness," Riku said pleasantly, "LET ME THE _BLEEP_ GO!!"

Saya jumped between them and decapitated the monster with a powerful swing, and also spraying her little brother with gallons of blood in the process.

"You did that on _purpose_!" Riku cried angrily.

"Did NOT!" Saya shot back.

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Shut up, both of you!!" David barked. "You're _both_ in time out!" Saya and Riku weren't listening. They leapt at each other to start wrestling and inadvertently slipped and fell off the train. Nice. Haji quickly followed suit. "Um…that's not what I meant."

"Liza!!" Everyone turned at Julia's cry and blinked in surprise as Liza leapt from the train and dramatically floated back into the white world beyond.

DOOOOOOOONG!

"_Ow_!"

That is, until she hit a metal pole. Julia glanced over at the men and scowled.

"Why are you guys looking at me like that?!" She demanded. "You think I _pushed_ her off?!"

"It was because of her small boobs, wasn't it?!" Louis suddenly burst out. "_Admit_ it!!"

Once David had gotten the train to stop, everyone piled off into the snow and began calling and searching for their missing friends.

"Sayaaaaa!" Kai called. "Rikuuuu!" He paused, furrowing his brow. "Go to hell, Hajiiiii!"

"_Man_, those guys are dumb…" Saya muttered from the snow bank in which she lay. "Why are they searching _around_ the train when it's obvious we fell off about fifty miles BACK?"

"Hey, _I'm_ not complaining!" Haji said pleasantly, laying in the snow beside her. "Now we _finally_ get some alone time!"

"Oh, hell," Saya sighed in despair. "Hurry the eff up and find me."

-Episode 16 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Is it just me, or is the first half of this fic pure gold? I don't know why, but I think it's the funniest effin' crap, especially David's comments to Julia and his filter feeding. I hope you all had as much reading as I did writing this one! Take care! Review, please!


	17. Episode 17: Do You Remember Our Promise?

Author's Note: Horray, next one. I had a little trouble with this one (mojo is depleted from previous episode…), but I think I pulled it off in the end. Hope you all like it! Later! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 17

Do You Remember Our Promise?

Haji stumbled through the frozen wasteland of Siberia, desperately searching for Saya. After falling off the train (thanks to that stupid brat, Riku), Haji had also jumped off after her, hoping to save and also score some 'I'll sleep with you' points from her. So far, no Saya. And that meant no points. And therefore no sex. _Damn_!

"Saya! Sayaaaaa!" Haji called desperately, searching in vain. He was beginning to despair. She could be anywhere! She could be buried under the snow, she could be a million miles away, she could-

She could be right at his feet.

"Saya!!" Haji dropped down and pulled her up from the snow. "You're so _cold_! Don't worry! I'll take off my clothes and use my body heat to warm you!"

"I'm awake! Dear lord, I'm awake!" Saya jerked into consciousness, glaring around at her surroundings. A six sense had screamed at her to awaken, and she was wondering _why_ until she laid eyes on Haji hovering over her.

"I wasn't gonna do anything," he protested innocently.

"…Then why are you naked?" Saya asked bluntly.

"Why _aren't_ I naked?" Haji shot right back. "I'm hot enough to melt the polar ice-caps, baby! _Tsss_!" It was at this point that Saya decided she'd rather be unconscious at the moment and so stuck her head in a snow-bank until she passed out from lack of oxygen.

-Later…?-

Saya stirred. A warm fire was crackling an uncomfortably close distance to her as she slowly opened her eyes, peeking about. She was in a cave, away from the howling wind outside, wrapped in a blanket, snuggled next to Haji-

Wait…snuggled next to _Haji_?!!

"_Eeeeeek_!" Saya flailed about in panic, shoving the covers off and hurriedly backing away. "Haji, what the _eff_ are you- _huh_?" She was staring down at her clothes in confusion. "What's going on? Why are my clothes different?" She glanced at Haji. "Hey, yours too!"

"Well, yes!" Haji explained patiently. "This is a flashback!"

"Oh. Okay." Saya settled back down and was silent for several moments. "…Are you gonna get out of my bed now?"

"Not unless you _really_ want me to."

"…That's pretty obvious, Haji."

"Oh, alright, I'll stay! You _talked_ me into it!"

_Smack_!

Haji now sat on the other side of the cave, nursing his injured cheek.

"Yeah, so, anyway," he coughed, "you should be careful! You collapsed because you've never been to such a cold-ass place before!"

"Be quiet!" Saya blushed. "I was just a little sleepy, is all…"

"Awww…" Haji smiled at her. "Here, sweetie." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.

"…What's that for?" Saya asked.

"To check your temperature, of course! Don't want you catching a cold!"

"Oh, how sweet!" Saya was touched, and so readily opened her mouth.

"Um, actually, it's a rectal-"

_SMASH_!!

"You're so _violent_ today!" Haji sniffled, nursing his other injured cheek. "Miss _Grumpy_-pants!"

"Oh, please," Saya sniffed. "You should worry about yourself. Get some sleep!"

"My body does not require sleep," Haji replied. "Only _looooove_…owch!"

"I swear, Haji…" Saya growled, lowering her hand, "will you _ever_ grow up?"

"…I have a feeling I never will…" Haji murmured softly. "Not even after _thirty_ years…"

"Yeah, whatever…" Saya pulled the blanket over her and settled down. "Mm…sleepy…"

"Here, I'll serenade you to sleep!" Haji offered, snatching up his cello and bow.

"Oh, God n-" Saya began.

_Squeeeeeeek! Skriiiiiiiiiiik! Skreeeeeeech!_

"…Perhaps it's…not a good idea to play in this cold," Haji admitted after a moment. "Alright, I'll just _sing_ you to sleep."

"And that's any better?"

"Shhh!" Haji cleared his throat and began. "_Shoot_ that bitch, mother-_bleeper_, mother-_bleeper_! _Kill_ that bitch, mother-_bleeper_, mother-_bleeper_!"

"_Eff_…" Saya quickly reached for a nearby rock and used it to knock herself out into blissful unconsciousness.

-The Next Morning-

The next morning, Saya and Haji took off across the winter wonderland, heading for the nearby village. Saya got a good look at her companion in the morning sun.

"Hey, wow!" Saya commented. "Your hair doesn't look as nappy as it will in thirty years!"

"What?" Haji stopped in his tracks and looked back at her in confusion.

"What? Oh, uh…" Saya scrambled for an excuse, then yanked up her shirt. "Look, belly-button!"

"Whee! Again, again!" Haji cheered, clapping his hands together with glee.

"Phew…" Saya lowered her shirt and wiped her brow. The two continued on for a while in silence, until Haji thought it was appropriate to tease Saya a bit.

"I like your hat," he told her. She was wearing one identical to Julia's in the previous episode.

"Um…thanks?"

"It distracts from your _small_ ti-"

"HAJI." Saya growled, cutting his insult short. "You want this hat shoved up your ass?"

"…Is this a trick question?"

"Just be quiet!" Saya snapped, stomping on his toe and storming ahead.

"Wait, we still need to tell the audience what we're doing in _Siberia_!" Haji called, hopping after her. Saya sighed, but halted.

"Okay. We're here looking for some dude named Gregory, so we're asking around for him." Saya stared at the camera. "Got that?"

"Hi, mom!" Haji smiled, waving. Saya grabbed his ear and yanked him along until they reached the village and came across an old lady gathering water from a well.

"Hey, granny," Saya said quite rudely. "You know anything about a man named Gregory?" The old lady stared blankly back at her. "…Haji will give you a sponge-bath."

"Ex-CUSE me?!" Haji sputtered. "When did I agree to-"

"Oh, you did," Saya said pleasantly, fixing him with a deadly glare. "Just now."

"Uh…" Haji gulped nervously. "Yes. That's right. I remember now." He gave the old lady a weak smile. "I'd be _delighted_ to wash your moldy, shriveled body, old hag!"

"Hmm…" The old lady eyed Haji up and down, then nodded. "Alright, listen. There's a suspicious girl named Sonja around here. You should check her out." Picking up her pails of water, she gave Haji a departing wink. "See you later, handsome!" Haji smiled sweetly, then made gagging faces once she turned her back.

"Oh, hello! Who are you people? My name's Sonja!" Saya and Haji turned to find a young girl with long blonde hair staring at them curiously. She caught sight of Saya and gasped in delight. "Wow, you're pretty! Are you single?"

"God, not _another_ one…" Saya gazed despondently up at the heavens and sighed. "Listen, honey, we just wanna know-"

"That hat is _totally_ cute!" Sonja cut her off. "And who DOES your hair?!"

"Um…Haji?" Saya shrugged.

"Wow, really? You must be a professio…" Sonja turned to Haji and trailed off awkwardly at the sight of his oily, twisted locks. "…_euh_…"

"Hey, this takes _talent_," Haji stated, tugging at a huge tangled knot.

"So, anyway," Sonja coughed, "wanna stay at my place tonight? _My_ bed's got room!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Saya backed up several steps. "Who are you, Min's _ancestor_?! Back off, girlie!"

"Oh, come on!" Sonja looked hurt. "I just thought we could _talk_ a bit!"

"And kiss each other?" Haji suggested. Both girls stared at him, then seized him and dunked his head in the ice-cold water of the well.

"It's good for him," Saya stated, holding his head down. "Probably the first time in _years_ his hair is washed."

"Ib NOT!" Haji stated once he was let back up, his nose full of water.

"Your parents won't mind?" Saya asked politely.

"No, they're dead!" Sonja replied cheerfully. "My dad was found white as a sheet, like he was _drained_ of all his _blood_!"

"Oh, _dammit_!" Saya groaned, rolling her eyes and stamping her foot. "Now we practically HAVE to say yes!" Haji trembled beside her, no longer able to contain his excitement.

"_SLUMBER PARTYYYYY_!" He sang, throwing his arms wide. The girls grabbed him once again and washed his hair a second time. After the dunking, Saya and Haji accompanied Sonja on the walk to her house, which was a short distance from the village.

"So you travel around with Haji, huh?" Sonja glanced back at him and raised an eyebrow. "Are you two lovers?"

"_Lovers_?" Saya jumped. "No, no! We're more like…like family, right, Haji?" She looked at him imploringly, but he just sniffed.

"If 'like family' means _bleep_ each other, then yes," he stated. "Otherwise, NO."

"By 'like family' I meant _castrated_, you sick son of a-"

"We're here!" Saya was interrupted by Sonja's outburst and turned to see a cute little cottage sitting in the snow past a dangerous-looking bridge. "This is my- oh, hold on a second." Sonja hurriedly scurried over the rickety bridge and rushed up to a dead body slumped in the yard. Snatching up a shovel, she quickly dug a hole, shoved the body in, then covered it up. Patting the last bit of dirt over the top, she slung the shovel over her shoulder and waved at Saya. "Okay, it's alright to come over now!"

"Hmm…there's something _suspicious_ about this girl…" Saya murmured.

"Yes…I sense it too…" Haji agreed. "Something's off. But _what_?"

"Come over and see my house!" Sonja repeated, gesturing.

"Alright, alright!" Saya stepped forward, then paused. "Um, is this bridge safe?"

"Safe as nuclear waste!" Sonja sang back.

"…Okay, Haji. You first." Saya shoved him in front of her. Haji inched right up to the rotten boards, then proceeded to skip across the rickety bridge, singing a nonsensical rhyme with each step.

"Monkey, monkey, churn the butter! Better, batter, butter! My mother told me not to- _AUGH_!!!" Suddenly (and quite thankfully) the weak wood gave way beneath his feet, and Haji tumbled down into the frozen river water below.

"_Ahahaha_! You so TOTALLY deserved that!" Saya doubled over laughing. "I'm not sorry at _all_!"

-Later-

Saya and Sonja now sat inside, at the kitchen table, sharing a cup of hot tea. Yummy! It was just the right thing to warm the two up from the bitter cold of fishing Haji out of the brook. Sure, he was quite blue and hypothermic, but he still managed to crawl inside after the girls and warm himself back to normal temperature.

"Seconds, girls?" Haji stepped into the room in naught but a towel around his waist, holding the tea-kettle. He sauntered over to Saya and Sonja, pouring them another round and awaiting their orders. Saya did a spit-take when she finally glanced at him and realized he was standing there half-naked.

"Who- what- when- _where are your clothes?!!"_ She sputtered.

"They're all wet," Haji responded matter-of-factly.

"That was _hours_ ago!" Saya shot back. "We dried them out right after!"

"So?" Haji raised an eyebrow.

"…Forget it." Saya and glared down at her tea and slurped noisily.

"What's wrong?" Haji pressed. "Tempted?" He did a funny little dance which mostly involved shaking his tush.

"NO," Saya ground out, losing her temper. "Now go sit in the corner! You are in _timeout_, mister!" Haji stuck out his lower lip in a pout, but turned around and obeyed. "And you _stay_ there for- _oh lord_." Saya whipped around and slowly laid her head on the tabletop.

"…He tied the towel so you can see his ass, didn't he?" Sonja asked after a moment.

"Yes. Yes he did." Saya said quietly.

-Later That Night-

Haji snuggled under his tiny, moth-eaten blanket, desperately trying to stay warm. Oh, how he envied Saya, all snug in her bed in the opposite room, but despite all odds, he did manage to catch a few z's.

"Mmm…Saya…so pretty…" Haji mumbled in his sleep, wiggling around on the floor. "I love you so very…no…no, Saya, no! Not the hat! I didn't mean what I said! _Noooo_!" He jerked awake and gasped for breath for several seconds. "Oh…just a nightmare…" Haji sighed in relief, then raised an eyebrow. "Or a wonderful dream?"

The sudden strong urge to urinate hit him in the guts like one of Saya's infamous punches. Struggling up from the floor, he staggered outside the small cottage and wandered to a snow-bank to discharge his load.

"Hee hee!" Haji giggled as he went. "Look, I'm spelling, 'Haji plus Saya!' Now it'll be memorialized _forever_!" Suddenly a huge, wooden stake flew out of nowhere and impaled him on the spot. "_Gaaaahh_!" Haji screamed in pain. "I wasn't even _done_ yet! It only says 'Haji plus _S'_! What the hell is that supposed to _mean_?!!" Thankfully the pain became too great and he passed out.

-The Next Morning-

Saya sighed contentedly and rolled over. She'd gotten a wonderful night's sleep. No chiropterans, no Haji, no-

"Good morning!" Sonja, who was laying ON her, said pleasantly.

"_Auuuuuuuugh_!" Saya sat bolt upright, shoving Sonja off her and scuttling away. "How did you get _in_ here?! I locked the door and shoved the bookcase in front of it! What am I, a borderline-lesbian _magnet_?!!"

"Stay with _meeeee_!" Sonja squealed, jumping back onto the bed and throwing her arms around Saya. "Please?"

"No! Get off!" Saya beat her back with a pillow and wished she had her sword. "I get enough of this crap from Haji, alright?! I don't need a _girl_ hittin' on me, too!" She paused. "Although I get the feeling it'll happen to me again in the future. _Several_ times."

"Time for breakfast!" Sonja sang. "Are you hungry, Saya?"

"Um, no, not really," Saya lied. Just then her stomach gurgled noisily, the sounds forming words.

"Feed me, Seymour!" The stomach moaned. "_Feeeeeeed_ me!"

"…Did your stomach just _talk_?" Sonja asked after an awkward pause.

"It…it does that, sometimes…" Saya said quietly, rubbing her tummy.

"Okay, I'll go slaughter one of the cows for you!" Sonja hopped up and went for the door.

"_Hey_!" Saya cried angrily. Sonja stopped and looked back at her. "…Better make it two!" Sonja nodded and skipped out. Saya took her time getting out of bed, washing up, and getting dressed. She was just pulling on her boots when a crash from outside made her jump. Dashing to the kitchen, she gasped in horror when she saw that the window had been broken and Sonja was laying outside on the snow, with that perverted old lady from before standing over her. A group of small boys holding a bat and some mitts pointed accusingly at the granny.

"It was _her_!" They insisted.

"Shut up, you liars!" The old lady snapped at them, gesturing at Sonja's bloodied corpse laying at her feet. "All I did was kill this girl! _You_ broke the window!"

"Oh. My. _God_." Saya whispered in horror. "This window is gonna take a _fortune_ to fix! You little brats better _pay_ for this!!" The children skedaddled as fast as they could.

"Get out here already, girly!" The old lady barked. "Don't you care that I killed this harlot?!"

"…No, not re-"

"JUST GET OUT HERE!!!" Saya meekly obeyed, dashing outside and kneeling next to Sonja's limp body.

"You are one evil homophobe, lady!" Saya glared at the old woman, who held a bloodied axe in one wrinkled hand. "Haven't you heard of _tolerance_? Plus, _I_ was the one she was hitting on!"

"Silence!" The old lady growled. "She was pure evil! And so are you! Where's that sponge-bath you promised me?!"

"What? But Haji…" Saya trailed off. Where _was_ Haji? Usually he'd have inundated her with inappropriate suggestions by now. So where…?

Suddenly a huge, grotesque arm shot out of nowhere, grabbing hold of the old lady's head and crushing it. Saya whirled around to see Sonja standing there, perfectly fine. Saya couldn't be positive, but she was _pretty_ sure a normal person couldn't survive an axe to the head. So she was either a chiropteran, or superwoman. Saya deduced it was the former.

"You're a chiropteran!" Saya spat, raising her fists. "Come on, let's go!"

"Oh, Saya…" Sonja sighed regrettably. "We could have been so _good_ together…"

"You wish, sister!" A huge wooden stake (in fact, the same used to impale Haji earlier) came flying out of nowhere and slammed between the two girls. Haji himself appeared moments after, hurrying to Saya's side like a loyal dog.

"_Yeah_!!" Saya slapped Haji a high-five, and together the two cried, "By our powers combined, we are-"

"_Saji_!" Saya finished.

"Personally, _I_ think 'Haya' sounds better," Haji stated.

"_I'm_ the main character!" Saya snapped. "So what _I_ say goes!" She stopped and sniffed the air, making a disgusted face. "Why do you smell like urine?"

"I…I had an accident," Haji stammered.

"What are you, a baby?!"

"Yeah, well maybe _then_ I'll get a little booby action!"

"HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" Sonja screamed in fury, her arms morphing into wings. She leapt into the sky and flew off into the nearby forest, Saya and Haji in hot pursuit. After flying a short distance, she lost altitude and smashed into a carriage that was sitting stupidly in the middle of the forest. Saya's eyes widened when she saw it. She…could _sense_ something inside the carriage…something _evil_…

And on the license plate was a single word (well, some letters and numbers, you know what I mean) that sent a chill down Saya's spine.

"D1V4…" she read aloud in a whisper. "Mother-effin' _jackpot_."

Suddenly the driver snapped the whip, and the carriage creaked and began to move forward, away from Saya.

"Wait!" Saya cried. The carriage instantly ground to a halt and the driver peeked around at Saya.

"Yes?" He queried politely.

"Um…" Saya shifted around nervously. "Could you…please…let me kill Diva?"

"Well, gee," the driver answered graciously, "lemme think abou- NO." He turned and whipped the horses again, making the carriage rumble off, leaving Saya and Haji alone with Sonja.

"Oh, well…" Saya sighed. "It was worth a try."

"Yes, it was," Sonja agreed. "Too bad you're _dead_ now!" So saying, she dramatically ripped off her dress, revealing her fully-chiropteran naked self to the whole world. …It was quite gross.

"Oh GOD!!" Haji gagged in disgust, quickly covering his bleeding eyes. "Saya, quick!" He begged. "Rip off your own clothes to counteract it! Only _then_ can I fight!"

"NO!" Saya stomped a foot. "I'm not taking off anything!" Haji didn't respond, just gurgled with his face in the snow. "FINE! I don't need your help! Just stay like that, you stupid- HOLY _BLEEP_!!" She sent Haji flying with a kick and jumped back just in time to avoid Sonja's snapping jaws.

"Die!!" Sonja's hair twisted into deadly spikes, and she began charging at Saya, trying to impale her on the horns.

"Oh, so you wanna do it _this_ way, eh?" Haji (who had thankfully recovered) whipped off his outer jacket and began using it like a matador's red cape. "Toro! Toro!" he cried tauntingly, swinging the jacket about. "Toro!"

Sonja stared at him blankly.

"T…toro…" Haji trailed off awkwardly. "…No?"

"_No_," Sonja replied bluntly, then ran him through with one of her horns. Too bad for her Saya leapt from behind and stabbed her with her bloody sword, effectively killing her.

"Toro, _bitch_!" Saya snarled as Sonja crumbled into nothing. "Yeah! _Told_ you _Saji_ was unstoppable!"

"I _thought_ we agreed it was _Haya_!" Haji complained. For once Saya didn't have a scathing retort – she was too busy collapsing to the ground.

"Hmm…so sleepy…" Saya mumbled, rolling over in the snow. "I could almost- _hrooooooonk_…"

"No, Saya! Wake up! You still have lines!" Haji cried, grabbing and shaking her vigorously. "Wake UP!"

"Eh…what?" Saya blinked sleepily and squinted her eyes at him. "Oh yeah. Right." Stifling a yawn, she slowly raised a hand and touched Haji's cheek, gently. "Do you…" she whispered ever so softly, "remember…our promise?"

"…NO." Haji admitted truthfully.

_SLAP_!

"You could at least TRY to work with me!" Saya barked. "You idiot, I'm gonna beat your- ZZZZZZZZZ…" She flopped to the ground, fast asleep.

"Thank you, Lord…" Haji sighed in relief, inching up to her unconscious body. Gently holding her to him, he stared at Saya's sleeping face and spoke. "I will wait for you, Saya. I will wait forever. I will always protect you. I will never, ever leave your side. And above all, I promise to- oh, hey! Snow-cones!" Dumping Saya's limp body in the snow, Haji jumped up and ran off into the woods.

-Sometime Later, or Sooner, or…Oh, I Give Up!-

Saya's eyes twitched, then slowly opened. Snow. Apparently she was still in Siberia. The only question was, what time period was it _now_? Damn time-traveling confusing her and crap.

"Saya? You awake?"

Saya blinked and looked up. Haji leaned over her, quite blue from the cold and- yup. He was still naked. Joy.

"Hold on!" Saya muttered to herself. "Naked…nappy hair…different outfit for me…we're back in the present, aren't we?!"

"Yes." Haji nodded. "You just fell off the train."

"Okay…" Saya sighed and sat up. "I had the weirdest dream, Haji! You and me were here before, only years ago, and your hair wasn't so long and gross!" She paused. "You haven't changed a bit."

"Oh, I know." Haji said proudly. "I'm still a horny bastard!"

"Hey, tell me!" Saya prompted him. "What was the promise I made with you?"

"You promised…" Haji said softly, taking her hand and staring into her eyes, "…to sleep with m-"

"_Sayaaaaaaa_!" Riku suddenly popped outta the snow and ruined the romantic moment. Haji scowled in fury as Saya jumped up and ran toward her little brother. Liza was there, too (what the _fuh_? Isn't she evil?), and the three gathered around and began chattin' it up like old friends, happy that they'd all survived. Haji simply glared at them from afar, his wrath focused mainly on Riku for interrupting his moment with Saya.

"…One day I will kill that kid…" He whispered softly.

"What did you say?" Saya called, cupping one of her ears.

"I said I'm coming!"

-Episode 17 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Bleah. I tried my best with this chapter but it only came out about average. Sorry for anyone who's disappointed. It has its moments, sure, but it's certainly not my best. And sorry it's late – I had to re-write a few parts until I was happy with it. Later. Review, please! Oh, and the next one might be a bit late, I have a stupid paper to write.


	18. Episode 18: Ekaterinburg's Moon

Author's Note: My mojo is BACK, baby! Woot! I love it when Kai and David get to spend 'quality time' together. Especially since it usually results in violence and insults. That's probably why I enjoyed making this chapter so much. Hope you like it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 18

Ekaterinburg's Moon

Somewhere in the huge country of Russia, an old man (who had a mysterious resemblance to the Monopoly guy) was visiting his friend in the hospital, who lay comatose in a white, sterile bed. Unfortunately, most of what the Monopoly guy had to say to his friend was boring, confusing things that make no sense to the viewers at this time. So let's skip all that junk and just jump on in.

"And so then I- what?" The old Monopoly guy paused in his 'conversation' and looked at his friend, who lay silent on the bed. "No, man, no. I'm not gonna do that. That is _so_ not cool. You can't ask me to- alright, alright! _Dammit_, man!" The old man growled out a few swears, then took a deep breath and cocked his glasses sideways, so it was like he had a monocle. "Do not pass-go! Do not collect two hundred dollars! _There_! Happy now?!" The old man righted his glasses and stormed out of the room in a huff.

Still laying on the bed in complete silence, the emaciated old man smiled gleefully in his sleep.

-With Kai-

Elsewhere in Russia, Kai was busy being a dumbass. Seriously, what else _is_ there for him to do? Anyway, at the moment he was struggling with one of those annoying metal-link puzzle thingies, and sucking quite badly at it.

"_Grrr_! Come on, you bastard!" Kai snarled, fiddling with the two metal links that stubbornly refused to part. "Come apart! I will kick your _ass_! Stupid mother-fu-"

"Kai," Julia interrupted from across the room. "Don't force it, or it'll break. Relax your shoulders, and do it slowly, softly, and kindly."

Kai stared at her awkwardly for several seconds.

"…Okay, you talkin' about sex or the puzzle thing?"

"Oh, for goodness sakes!" Julia snatched the puzzle from him and solved it in 0.2 seconds flat. "There, see?"

"Alright, so I couldn't do a stupid puzzle, big deal!" Kai snorted, grabbing a soda from the table and attempting to open it. "Come on, you…open…_dammit_! Why won't you open?! _Juliaaaaaa_!" Julia sighed and took the soda from the sniveling boy.

"Dear Lord, Kai, you're such a-"

_Psssssssssssht_!!!

The soda nearly exploded when Julia snapped the top open, dousing her with the entire fizzy-liquid contents. She stood there, dripping all over and glowering.

"Hahahaha! I punk'd you _good_, ho!" Kai chortled, dashing for the door. "That's what you get for saying I'm stu-"  
_BANG_!

The door swung open and cracked Kai on the forehead, throwing him backwards as David and Louis shuffled in, wrapped in parkas and the like.

"I dunno, man," Louis was saying, removing his gloves. "I _still_ think Daniel Day-Lewis is the shiz-nit, both on account of his awesome name _and_ his acting ability."

"I'm telling you," David argued back, "that guy from No Country For Old Men with the ridiculous haircut scared me so much I literally crapped my-"

"About time you guys got back!" Kai tactfully interrupted, stumbling to his feet and glaring at the two men. He blinked when he saw Louis's funny hat from a few episodes ago. "Dude, you still got that thing? I thought it…_attacked_ you."

"Oh, no, don't worry," Louis grinned confidently. "This time I made _sure_ it's- _ohmygodit'sstillalive_!!" He fell to the floor, rolling around and swearing his head off.

"…So, where's Saya?" Kai asked, completely forgetting about Louis and his rabid adversary.

"We'll meet up with her in a later episode," David answered, then placed a hand on Kai's shoulder. "Now Kai, I think it's time for some family bonding, eh?"

"With _you_?" Kai barely managed to suppress his gag reflex. "Look, just because you took over George's 'dad' responsibilities for Saya doesn't mean you gotta do the same for me, too! I'm good!" David calmly pulled out his gun and leveled it at Kai's head. "_Daddy_!" Kai flung his arms around David and gave him a hug.

"Just shut up and get in the _bleep_ing car." David growled, shoving Kai off of him. As they hustled out the door, Louis finally noticed Julia's 'condition' and quirked an eyebrow at her.

"…Are you covered in soda?" He asked after a moment.

"Yes," Julia sighed.

"…Are you as turned on as I am?"

"OUT!" Julia shoved Louis out the door and slammed it shut.

"It's because I'm fat, isn't it!" Louis shouted through the door. "You only like _skeletons_! Fine! Be that way!" He ran out of the building sobbing, and joined David and Kai in the car. A pleasant silence filled the automobile as they traveled down the quiet Siberian countryside, but as you know, that didn't last too long.

"Kai, put your seatbelt on," David scolded.

"_Pfffft_!" Kai scoffed. "I don't need no- _OOFF!!_!" David slammed on the brakes, making Kai fly forward and hit the seats in front of him.

"See? Now put it on."

"But you-" Kai began to protest. David started pulling out his gun again. "Okay, okay!" Kai hurriedly snapped his seatbelt on and glared at David for the next few minutes before speaking up again. "Hey, a-hole! Gimme back my dad's gun, it's mine now!"

"Oh, _really_?" David looked back at Kai mockingly. "You want it back that bad, huh? Well, then, you can have it back once I'm done picking my nose with it." Pulling out George's gun, David proceeded to do just that.

"HEY!!" Kai protested. "Stop it, that's gross!"

"Hang on, my ass itches…"

"Now that's going _too_ far, David!" Louis intervened.

"_Thank_ you, Louis!" Kai sighed with relief.

"Now lemme see that thing, I got this itch on my _balls_ that just will NOT-"

"_I hate all of you_!!"

Finally the car pulled up to a small house, and David and Louis got out, leaving the windows cracked open for Kai, who was left locked in the car like a pet dog.

"Damn David…" Kai hissed to himself, watching the two men walk away toward the house. "He'll pay…oh, he'll pay…with some…Weight Gain 3,000! _Mwahahahaha_!!" Kai began pouring the powder mix into David's coffee and stirred it up. "Hahaha- _OhmyGodLouislefthishatinheretotallyonpurpose_!!!"

Meanwhile, David and Louis were busy sneaking around inside the house, guns drawn for some reason that I don't…really…know. And neither did they, it seems.

"Pssst! _Pssst_!" Louis whispered loudly over their walkie-talkies. "David? Why are we sneaking around all quiet-like, man? There's obviously no-one here."

"Because it makes it more _dramatic_, alright?" David growled back. "And now you've _ruined_ it! …And for the last time, get out of the fridge."

"I'm not IN the fridge," Louis snarled, rifling through the food stashed in the refrigerator. "That's fat-racism. Now what're we _doing_ here, anyway?"

"It's simple, we're…" David trailed off and scowled. "Aw, hell, I don't know why either."

Back outside in the car, Kai had managed to shove the raving raccoon into the glove-compartment, and was busy working on his metal-link puzzle thing again.

"DAMMIT!" Kai was about ready to give up. "Wait, what'd Julia say back then? I should…try to have sex with it?" Kai stared blankly at the puzzle for several seconds. "…Um, hi. What's your name, baby?" He paused awkwardly. "So, are we gonna _bleep_ or what?"

_WHAM_!

"_Auuuuuuuugh_!" Kai shrieked in terror as Louis slammed himself up against the window.

"Chore time, bitch!" Louis laughed evilly.

"Aw, man! What do you guys want me to do for you _now_?" Kai groaned, climbing out of the car. "Oh, Louis, I forgot something in the glove compartment. Can you get it for me?" He ran like hell for the house once Louis leaned into the car. It turned out the men wanted Kai to tape together a ripped up letter they had found in the trash. Kai reluctantly did so, then proudly handed back to the paper to David, who read it aloud.

"Platypus the rectangle of Philip do you how do." David blinked rapidly, then glanced at Louis, whose face was covered in bandages. "Why did we have _him_ do this?"

"Because we're lazy bastards?" Louis guessed, voice slightly muffled.

"Oh yeah, right." David sighed, then turned to go. Kai stepped in his way.

"Hey, man," he challenged, "don't I deserve a word of appreciation for my hard work?"

"Yeah, you do," David agreed pleasantly, then slugged Kai in the gut. He doubled over, clutching his stomach in pain. "That good enough for ya?"

"Dude…" Kai gurgled, falling to his knees, "…you must effin' _love_ me…"

"Oh, I do."

-Later-

Later on, the three men (well, two men and an idiot, really) acted on the one clue they could deduce from Kai's horrible linguistic skills ("Hey, at least I tried!") shut up- and searched for this 'Philip' fellow. He turned out to be the comatose old man from the opening scene, you know, with the Monopoly guy? So they went to go see him.

"Wow! How did this guy get so _thin_?! Tell me your secret, Obi-Wan!" David grabbed the sick man and shook him vigorously, waking him from his slumber. "Oh, good! You're awake! Quick, tell me your se-"

"Outta the way!" Louis barged past David and leaned over the man's bed. "Hey! You're Philip, right? Tell us where Ted is!"

"Ted?" David blinked in confusion. "Who's that?"

"The fic author told me to keep us on track! Shh!" Louis glared back at David, then gave the old man another shake. "Talk, man! Use…Charades, or somethin'! Work with us, man!" Philip nodded and weakly held up a finger. "Okay, one word!" Then he held up his middle finger. "…That's _two_ words, man."

"I'm…so sorry…" Philip gurgled, eyes glazing over.

"Well, yeah, you should be, you just flipped us the bird-"

"I'm…so sorry…" Philip repeated, "So sorry…Andrei…"

"Andrei…the seal?" Louis muttered.

"Enough, Louis!" David shouldered past him and grabbed the old man. "_Talk_! Tell me your secret to everlasting skinniness, or so help me God I'll-"

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_!

"_HOLY_!!" Louis leapt away from David and jabbed a finger at him, staring skyward. "It was him, God, not me! HE did it!"

"I didn't mean it!" David sputtered in panic. "All I did was yell-"

"Yippee, popcorn's done!" Kai skipped over to the beeping microwave, popped it open, and began shoveling the blackened corn kernels into his mouth before noticing Louis and David glaring daggers at him. "Geez, what _died_ in here?"

"In a minute, _you_," David growled. "Why are you making _popcorn_?"

"Hey, I was hungry." Kai shrugged. "And no, you can't have any. He dead?" He gestured at Philip, who lay sprawled on his bed, mouth gaping open and attracting flies.

"Oh, no, he's just sleep- _of course he's dead, you idiot_!" David snapped.

"Geez, what's up _his_ butt?" Louis asked, standing next to Kai and sharing the popcorn.

"I dunno," Kai replied. "It's almost like he _killed_ someone!"

"Kiss my boney ass, both of you," David snarled, turning back to Philip. Reaching out a hand, he gently tried to close the man's sightlessly staring eyes.

"Ow! You poked me in the eye! Whaddja do that for?!" Philip complained, rubbing his eyes.

"_OhGodhe'sstillalive_-" Louis stumbled back in surprise.

"I'll make sure this time!" David whipped out his gun and took aim.

"David, NO!"

-Elsewhere-

The Monopoly guy from before (otherwise known as Ted, but I like my other name for him better) had traveled from the hospital to a large, run-down facility in the middle of a desolate frozen wasteland. Entering the building and descending deep into its belly, he stopped at a particularly empty (and therefore significant) room and stared sadly upward at a huge black block suspended from the ceiling. A frozen chiropteran lay half in the block (or is it half out?).

"Andrei…" The monopoly guy sniffled. "My son…" Suddenly his head snapped toward the camera, and he glared. "What, you don't believe me?! Fine, look!" Punching a button, the old man lowered the frozen chiropteran in the block and hurried over toward it. "See? We have the same eyes!"

The camera slowly panned in on the chiropteran's eye, until it transformed into the beautifully glowing moon outside, where David and the others had just driven up.

"Nice transition," Louis whistled appreciatively.

"This must be the place," David muttered, eyeing the huge facility. "Ted is here."

"What's so special about this place, anyway?" Kai complained, kicking at the snow. Louis gave him a look, then answered.

"Well, Kai, this is the place where secret nuclear weapons were secretly made to secretly-"

"Okay, okay! I get it, it's secret!" Kai cut him off. "_Yeesh_…" The three snuck into the building, searching for Ted for reasons unknown. "Hey," Kai whispered as they snuck deeper into the facility, "is it okay for us with the radiation in here?"

"Oh, don't worry," David told him nonchalantly, "it'll only make you grow a third testicle." Kai stared at him in wide-eyed terror, unable to make any sound except a high-pitched whine and clutch at his crotch. "…It was a joke, Kai. I was kidding."

"Well it's not _funny_!" Kai shot back, sniffling. Finally they arrived at a large elevator used to enter the basement area. David and Louis decided to leave Kai behind.

"Here." David handed Kai his father's gun and patted his shoulder. "You're ready for it now."

"Dude…" Kai stared at him in bewilderment. "How am I supposed to shoot this with my _mittens_?"

"Then take them off!"

"And let my _hands_ freeze? What are you, _crazy_?!"

"Crazy like your _father_!" David cried, wrapping Kai up in an air-depraving bear hug (more like a skeleton hug, though) and dotting the top of his head with kisses. "You be good while I'm gone, okay?"

"_Gwaaaagh_! Let go of me, you sick bastard!!"

"I'm pushing the button!" Louis called, standing on the elevator, his hand hovering over the control panel.

"Hey, no fair!" David finally released Kai and scampered over to Louis. "You _always_ get to push it!" As the two struggled over their own right to push, the button was inadvertently hit and the elevator began its slow descent. "_Gaaah_! That's cheating, Louis! You _farted_!"

"Chemical warfare, baby!" Louis laughed back.

"…Man I'm glad I stayed behind." Kai sighed and sat down on the cold floor, hoping he wouldn't get hemorrhoids. After a few minutes, the elevator reached the bottom, and David and Louis slowly stole off, guns drawn. It didn't take David long to start singing his theme song once again.

"Dun dun…dun dun…dun dun DUUNNNNNN-"

"Dude, stop," Louis growled. "That's effing _annoying_."

"But I _have_ to do it!" David argued. "Come on, you've gotta let me!"

"…Only if you call me Sexual Chocolate from now on," Louis proposed.

"Okay, but what am I?" David crossed his arms and waited.

"You're…" Louis thought for a moment, then grinned. "Vanilla Stick."

"Vanilla Stick…" David rolled the word around on his tongue and smiled. "I like it! Let's go, Sexual Chocolate!"

"Alright, Vanilla Stick!" The two high-fived, then moved further into the abandoned compound. "Man, this place sucks!" Louis growled. "There aren't any fridges to check! This is bullshi- _CHIROPTERAN_!!!" Louis snapped his gun up as he and David came across the huge, frozen block of chiropteran. Apparently it had awakened and attacked its 'father', since Ted lay on his side next to the block, covered in blood.

"You…are…so…_grounded_!" The old man gurgled, face twisted in pain. "No Spongebob…for a _week_!"

"Alright, Sexual Chocolate," David told Louis, "You act as a decoy while I save Ted!"

"Why I gotta be the decoy, huh?" Louis argued, "Because I'm _black_?!"

"…No, because you're fat."

"That's not much better!!"

"Just GO, will you?!" David shoved Louis off to the right, while he crouched and went left, toward Ted. Louis grumbled a bit, then began to distract the chiropteran.

"Hey, _looook_!" He called tauntingly, holding up a plate of food. "_Hotwiiings_! Whooo! Don't they look _goooood_?" Suddenly he stared at the food, sweat beading on his forehead. "Awww _damn_, they do. Hurry up, Vanilla Stick!"

"Are you alright?" David had finally reached Ted's side and crouched down next to him. "Come on, let's get you out of- _AWWWWGH_!" The chiropteran suddenly attacked, slashing David across the back with his claws. He whirled around and glared accusingly at Louis. "What the _eff_, man?! I thought you were distracting it!!"

"I…" Louis shrugged, face covered in barbecue sauce. "I ran out of diversions."

"You ATE them?!"

"Well, yeah, I was hungry-" Louis began.

"ROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRRR!!!"

"And so is he!" Louis finished as the chiropteran began breaking free from the frozen block. "Let's run like hell!" Grabbing hold of David in one arm ("Hey, you're light as a feather!") and Ted in the other ("Dude, lose some weight!"), he took off toward the elevator as fast as he could, the chiropteran close on his heels.

"I get to push the button this time!" David cried in outrage, struggling to reach the control panel.

"Come on, man! You _always_ push the button!" Louis protested. "Gimme a break! I only-"

"JUST PUSH THE _BLEEP_ING BUTTON!!!" Ted shrieked, punching the button and making the elevator rise, bringing them safely up and away from the rampaging monster below.

"Hey, no fair, you old fart!" Louis complained. "It was _totally_ my turn!"

"That chiropteran…" David asked Ted, "He's your son?"

"Chiropteran? No, no…" Ted weakly shook his head. "He just…_partied_ a lot and…took lots of _drugs_, is all. He's not a _monster_!"

"Man, you look so much like the Monopoly guy, I am freaking _out_!" Louis stated.

"Oh, yeah?" Ted had had enough. He glared up at Louis. "Well, _you_ look like the Pillsbury Doughboy. A _burnt_ Pillsbury Doughboy." Louis's mouth fell open in outrage.

"You _dead_, suckah!" He snatched Ted up and made as if to throw him off the elevator, but David stopped him.

"No, don't! We need him!" David protested. Far below them, the chiropteran appeared and roared up at the elevator, quickly changing David's mind. "_Bleep_ it! He's expendable!" Too late! Before they could heave Ted off, the chiropteran leapt up and grabbed hold of the elevator, getting a free ride to the top! The cheap _bastard_!

"It's your stop, bitch!" Louis barked, drawing his gun. "Twenty-first floor, shot to the FACE!" Together he and David opened fire on the hitch-hiking chiropteran.

"You know, Sexual Chocolate," David said between gunshots, "we really _should_ think of a good code name for Kai."

"Hmm…" Louis paused and scratched his head. "I dunno, Vanilla Stick. What about…Annoying Brat?"

"I dunno-"

_Blam, blam, blam_!

"Die, you bastard! Die!" Kai roared, opening fire on the chiropteran from the top of the shaft.

"Is he talking about the chiropteran or _you_, David?" Louis muttered, noticing that Kai was mostly aiming at the skinny man.

"…I think the codename is _perfect_," David told Louis. The chiropteran growled at Kai's assault, and jumped from the still-rising elevator to the top where Kai was standing. Kai shrieked and backed up, finding nothing to attack the chiropteran with (he was out of bullets, _and_ urine) except a small container of gasoline, which he threw at the monster, splattering it with the oil.

"Alright, that's _perfect_!" Kai cried, an idea coming to mind. "With that oil all over him…he'll _surely_ die of poisoning in a few hours!"

"Or right now!" David growled, stepping off the elevator (which had finally reached the top) and firing at the chiropteran. The gasoline burst into flames, and the chiropteran howled as it was engulfed with fiery fury.

"_Aiiiiiii_-I was _totally_ gonna do that," Kai stated, glaring furiously at David.

"Then why didn't you?" David shot back.

"I ain't got no matches, man! _Or_ latent psychic powers!"

Meanwhile, the chiropteran was screaming in agony, flames eating away at its body as it stumbled and collapsed to the ground.

"For goodness _sakes_, man!" Louis scolded, marching up to the flaming chiropteran. "If you're on _fire_, don't just lay down and _die_! You gotta throw yourself offa somethin' and scream all the way down!"

"Oh…really?" The chiropteran asked nervously, then crawled to the edge and threw itself off into the chasm below. "_Hooooooowwwww's thiiiiiiiiiiiiis_?"

_CRUNCH_!

"Yeah, just like that! Perfect!" Louis called down after it, then turned away, muttering. "Idiot…"

"_Mmm_! I'm all toasty warm now!" Kai hummed, huddling next to the crackling remains of the gasoline fire. "Anyone got some marshmallows?"

"Hells yeah I got some marshmallows!" Louis scoffed, yanking out a pack. "And I gots the Sexual Chocolate, too! Mother-effin' _delicious_!"

David, meanwhile, was actually managing to stay on task, and was questioning Ted in his last moments of life.

"You see…" Ted whispered, his life fading fast, "Delta-67 is made…from a girl named Diva's blood…d…do…not…pass…go…" Ted slumped over, dead.

"Delta 67…" David muttered. "That's what killed George…"

"Huh?" Kai looked up from where he was roasting a marshmallow over the flames (scorching it, really). "I thought dad died from having sex with a chi-"

"_SHHHH_!" David leapt up and crammed several marshmallows into Kai's mouth, effectively shutting him the hell up. "No, that is NOT what happened! They used Delta-67 on him, and that's _final_!" He sighed and reached over to close Ted's eyes.

"Ow! My eyes! You poked them! What was that for?!"

"Would you people just DIE already?!" David snapped. "Or at least give me some kind of _signal_?! Gawd, that's confusing!"

Several minutes later (once David and Louis were out of the compound with Kai scrambling after), the entire facility exploded into flames as bombs planted all over it detonated, destroying the accursed building.

"Okay, now that's total bullcrap!" Louis complained. "It was _my_ turn to push the button and you _knew_ it!" David didn't respond, as he was far too busy falling over in a heap. "…Okay, man, it's not that big of a deal, I'm just saying that we should _really_ keep a tally on who gets to push the button from now on so we- Oh, crap! You're really hurt!"

-With Saya-

"Aa-_choo_!!" Riku sneezed explosively, making Saya jump in fright as she sat next to him on the train. She glanced at her brother, concern in her eyes.

"You sick?" She asked.

"No, I'm all-" Riku began.

"Because if you are, we're throwin' you off the train." Saya finished. "I'm serious."

"Talking about throwing people off of _trains_," Liza began tactfully, "I so _totally_ didn't do anything LIKE that! No siree, I-"

"Hey, Haji," Saya (completely ignoring Liza's outburst) told her man-slave, who sat across from her, "thanks for lending Riku your jacket out there!"

"Oh, you're welcome," Haji responded graciously. "By the way, you're free to borrow my pants anytime, Saya."

"HEY." Saya said firmly, staring him dead in the eye and gesturing toward Riku. "BROTHER."

"Sorry, perhaps later." Haji winked.

"I'm so effing lucky these people are complete morons," Liza grumbled to herself.

"Hey, thanks!" Riku smiled over at her. Liza sighed and looked at the camera.

"See what I mean?"

-Episode 18 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Damn, that was fun! Did anyone get the Andrei the seal joke? Hell, did anyone _else_ besides me watch that movie a hundred million times as a kid? No? Alright, I'll shut up now. Thanks for reading! Review, please! Oh, and the next episode, again, might be late, because now I have mid-terms to write and study for. BLARGH!!


	19. Episode 19: Broken Heart

Author's Note: Hooray, done my midterms! Gawd, we're in the middle of the FOURTH storm this MONTH. Man I hate the northeast. Especially because my school is effing retarded and still wouldn't cancel classes after being covered in three feet of snow. Give us a break, you bastards! Sorry. Enjoy the episode, and please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 19

Broken Heart

It was nighttime in some Russian city, and you know what _that_ means! Yup, some stupid woman with 'Fresh Meat' written on her back was wandering the lonely streets of the cold city like a moron, just _begging_ to be attacked. Coincidentally, she was. A figure in a long robe stepped out from the shadows and barred the woman's path.

"Eeek! A pervert!" The woman squealed, slapping at the person and turning to run. Another figure, almost identical to the first, appeared and also blocked her escape path. From beneath the shadow of the hood, the figure's eyes glowed red.

"…That…is one _bad_ case of pinkeye you've got there," the woman stated, taking a nervous step back. "You should _really_ go see a doctor about tha-" Suddenly one of the figures stepped forward and grabbed hold of the woman. "Oh _God_ please don't touch my eyes!! I don't want your pinkeye!"

"_Would you shut up about frickin' pinkeye already_?!" One of the figures hissed. "We just want to suck your blood!"

"…Oh." The woman sighed with relief, then frowned. "Wait, can't you get pinkeye that way? Anyone know?"

By then the figures (joined by several more slipping from the alleyways) had lost their patience and fell on the woman like a pride of lions on a sickly and diseased (and annoying) antelope. …Weirdoes.

-Elsewhere-

In some Russian city (can't remember the effin' name), Saya stood at the front desk of a fancy hotel and gaped at the attendant. Liza, Riku, and Haji stood behind her, waiting in silence.

"What do you mean, David's not here?" Saya repeated angrily.

"I'm sorry, miss," the attendant apologized, "but he's not. Here, he left this note." Saya snatched it from the woman and scowled at the quickly-scrawled words.

"What's it say?" Liza asked.

"Not much," Saya sighed. "Just something about how he's gained some weight and is too embarrassed to be seen, then a note about killing Kai for some reason."

"Oh, well," Liza patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, we'll just stay here for the time being."

"Alright, this hotel rocks!" Riku cheered. "Hey, look! They've got a pool!" He scampered outside before the others could stop him.

"No, Riku! Wait!" Saya called after him. "I think it's-"

THUNK!

"…Frozen." Saya finished.

"Did he just attempt a body flop?" Liza asked, cringing in sympathy.

"Haji," Saya mumbled, rubbing her temples, "will you _please_ go drag Riku's broken body back in here?"

"As you command." Haji stated, saluting his mistress and marching off. After gathering up Riku's shattered pride (and bones), the group headed toward the elevators to get to their respective rooms.

"Riku," Liza said sweetly as they waited for the elevator to arrive, "would you like to take a bath with me?"

"…I'm…sorry, but you're not my type," Riku coughed, nervously inching away from the pedophile. "Plus I'm about ten years too young for you." Haji stared moon-eyed at Saya.

"How about taking a bath with _me_?" He asked her.

"No," Saya simply stated, punching at the elevator button a few more times in an attempt to speed things up.

"Please? You can wash my back hair."

"NO." Saya punched the button rapidly, begging every God she knew of to please make that damn elevator appear NOW.

"Aww, come on! I've got this embarrassing rash on my unmentionables and I need someone to apply the ointment-"

"WE'RE TAKING THE STAIRS!!" Saya roared, grabbing Riku by the shirt and hauling him toward the stairway.

"Buh-" Riku tried to protest, thinking of his broken and feeble legs.

"NOW!"

-Later-

After the awkwardness of the elevator episode, Saya sighed in relief as she entered her room and jumped in the shower to clean off and relax. As hot mist filled the room, Liza poked her head in and snuck into the bathroom (but not without first disarming the gargantuan bear-trap meant for Haji), slinking up to the side of the shower and listening in.

"Hmm…that dream…" Saya mumbled aloud as she scrubbed shampoo into her hair, "I just can't get over it…"

"What dream?" Liza asked loudly, finally getting Saya's attention. In a BAD way.

"_Auuuuuugh_! Die, Haji!" Saya whipped the shower curtain open and yanked off the detachable showerhead, aiming it at the intruder's face and soaking her thoroughly. Liza stood there for several long seconds as Saya stared at her.

"…It's _me_." Liza said firmly.

"I see that," Saya replied politely. "Now why are you in here?"

"Well, I-"

"Aww, don't tell me _you're_ all into me, too?!" Saya groaned. "Dammit, not another one! I'm really getting sick of this! I'm thinking of shaving my head and going into the mountains to become a monk!" She paused. "Seriously, I've got the forms and everything-"

"That's nice," Liza interrupted. "…Can you stop spraying me now?"

"Just a few more minutes…" Saya was enjoying this.

"So…tell me about your dream," Liza prompted, crossing her arms.

"Well…" Saya replaced the showerhead and took a deep breath. "The dream is this: I'm competing on that Rock of Love show when Barbara Streisand suddenly shows up and starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner-"

"No! I mean the one where you and Haji are in _Russia_!" Liza cut off impatiently. Saya stared at her blankly.

"But…how would you know about that?"

"Well…I…uh…" Liza gulped and stammered for several seconds, then leapt forward and flushed the toilet.

_Fluuuuuuuuuuush_!

"_Ieeee_! Freezing!!" Saya shrieked as the water spouting from the showerhead suddenly became cold as icicles.

"Bye!" Liza dashed for the door.

"Hey, wait," Saya called after her, "you still haven't- oh GOD I got soap in my eyes! It _burnsss_!" She fell out of the tub, flailing her arms and ripping the curtain down with her. "_Auuuuuuuuugh_!"

"Saya? What's wrong?" Haji asked, hurrying into the bathroom upon hearing his beloved's cries of agony. "Wha- Holy _bleep_ where's my camera?!!"

"My eyes are on _fire_!!!"

"Hold on, I'll help you in a minute, just let me go get my-"

Ka-SHINK!

"_Gaaaaah_! Who put this bear-trap here?!!"

"Close one," Liza told herself, scuttling down the hall, away from the commotion. "That could have been a complete _disaster_."

-Elsewhere-

"Did you and Kai have a nice time?" Julia asked, glancing over at David as she drove the both of them down the road. They were heading for that town where Saya was, so they could pick her and the others up and be all 'togetherness' again.

"Oh, _did_ we!" David answered excitedly. "We went sledding and we made a snowman, and I only had to put him in a headlock and unholster my weapon _once_!"

"Wow! Sounds like you two are getting along great!" Julia smiled and turned her eyes back to the road. "Oops, sharp turn!" She jerked the wheel for no reason, making David fall over into her lap accidentally on purpose.

"Goodness, your breasts are like _airbags_," David muttered, righting himself. "They're big, firm, and can decapitate a small child."

"You're changing, David," Julia commented, noticing that he _hadn't_ said an outright insult. "You're a lot nicer than you used to be!"

"You mean I'm…getting weaker?" David scowled at her.

"No, I mean you're filling out!" Julia explained. "When did you gain all that weight, anyway? You look almost normal now! Plus you've got one sweet ass-"

"Oh, yes, that reminds me," David said quietly. "I owe Kai." Pulling out his gun, he snapped the hammer back, rolled down his window, stuck his gun out, and shot at the vehicle driving behind him, which Louis and Kai were riding in. He managed to hit a wheel, making the car spin out of control.

"HEY!" Julia snapped, snatching the gun away from him. "No guns in my car, mister!" She shoved the gun between her breasts for safekeeping. "You'll get this back when you learn to behave!" David crossed his arms and pouted. "…Or right now, if you like!" She added with a wink. David just rolled his eyes and glared out the window.

Over in the other car, Louis was barely able to keep the wounded vehicle from flying off the road, but somehow managed to regain control and continue following Julia's car. He reached into a paper bag sitting beside him and pulled out some food, which he ate with gusto, then farted loudly.

"_Dude_!" Kai gagged, wishing he'd been able to ride with Julia for the umpteenth time (she'd insisted on David being with her, the dumb whore). "Can you _please_ refrain from passing flatulence in my presence?!"

"…What?"  
"_Don't effing fart_!!"

"Hey, it's not my fault!" Louis argued. "It's the taco's!"

"We didn't _have_ taco's!" Kai shot back. Louis cocked an eyebrow.

"Yes, we did," he answered solemnly. "Two nights ago."

"OH, GOD!!" Kai cracked a window open and sucked at the fresh air like a dieing fish. "Next time I riding in the trunk! And- what the _eff_, man? You ate all the food, too!"

"Survival of the fittest, kiddo!" Louis chuckled, licking his fingers.

"Yeah, if it really _was_ survival of the fittest, you'd keel over and _die_!"

"That's it! You can _walk_!!" Louis shoved Kai out the open window and pressed on the accelerator, leaving the irritating boy laying in the snow-bank. Serves him right!

-Suppertime With Saya!-

Saya sat in her chair, nearly bouncing up and down with excitement (Haji was in heaven) as she waited for her food. What kind of dish would be brought in? She'd never had foreign food before. Would it be good? Saya hoped so. Finally the waiter arrived and placed a plate on the table. Saya smiled widely and looked down to see-

Some white things with glistening orange marbles on them. GROSS.

"Alright, buddy," Saya hissed, grabbing the waiter by the neck and pulling him close to her face. "Listen up. I am HUNGRY, and I need some REAL food, got it? Don't you _dare_ come back until you've at _least_ got four large cheese pizza's and a chocolate log. Chop, chop!" She shoved the man away and watched with satisfaction as he scampered back into the kitchens.

"Saya," Riku said quietly, "that was a bit harsh."

"Hey, I love me some good eatin'," Saya stated bluntly.

"And I love me some good _lovin'_!" Haji added, but no-one was listening.

"Really?" Liza looked at Saya. "I don't enjoy eating."

"Wow, you sound just like David!" Riku said. "Do you filter-feed, too?"

"Saya," Liza continued, staring intently at the girl. "I was wondering…do you know why chiropterans exist? Have you ever thought about them? Where do you think they come from? What is the third moon of Jupiter called?"

"Whoa, whoa!" Saya interrupted, holding up a hand at the sudden onslaught of questions. "What is this, Double Jeopardy?"

"I'd like to buy a vowel-" Haji began.

"Wrong game!" Saya snapped.

"Oh. Then, Whoopi Goldberg for the block and the win, please."

"SHUT UP!!"

"Come now, Saya," Liza cut in. "What about your _own_ desires, hmm?"

"Well, I've always wanted to-"

"_Cough_ Sleep with Haji _Cough_!"

"…Haji, I am _quite_ confident that I just told you to _shut the hell up_!!" Saya gave Haji a glare that promised one more strike and he was outta there. "So…my own desires, huh? Personally, I've always wanted to try out for American Idol, but Simon Cowell scares the _crap_ outta me, so-"

_Thunk_.

Saya blinked and turned to see Riku, whose head had fallen forward onto the table and landed in his food.

"Riku," Saya said firmly, "that was _very_ rude of you to interrupt me like that! I was finally opening up to others- and now you're _ignoring_ me! Alright, that's it, mister! I'm taking away your I Love New York dvds! You can get them back when you learn some manners!"

"Oh, my!" Liza gasped, leaning over and touching Riku's forehead. "He's got a fever!"

"So?!" Saya barked. "He's still not gettin' out of dissin' me like that!" She paused. "Unless he's contagious, then I'm not going anywhere near him."

-Later-

Saya gently tucked the blankets beneath Riku's chin and checked to see that he was comfortable in his bed. The poor boy. It wasn't easy getting him up all those steps, especially with him being unconscious and all, but they'd managed somehow.

"Thanks for making Haji carry him all the way up here," Liza said gratefully. Saya nodded. In the nearby bathroom, Haji stood naked from head to toe, desperately scrubbing himself all over with loads of anti-bacterial soap.

"The germs…_the germs_!!!" He hissed in horror as he scrubbed his skin raw.

"Dammit, Haji! At least close the _door_!" Saya barked, kicking the door shut and rubbing her aching eyes. "Now…to get some ice." Pulling out her sword, she turned and glared at an ice sculpture cut into the shape of a chiropteran that sat in the middle of the room. Sniffling as a wave of tears arrived, she raised her sword and charged forward. "You killed my _daaaaaaaaaddy_!!!" Saya shrieked, striking at the sculpture and chopping it into perfect cube-sized pieces. "We can save the shaving for some snow cones later!" She added brightly, smiling at the camera.

"Saya…" Liza suddenly appeared from the shadows and continued her bouts of questioning. "Isn't it strange that you fight without knowing why?" Saya stared back at her, sword hovering over the last of the ice-chiropteran.

"_Nnnnnoooo_…" she answered slowly. "Not really. I mean, almost every main character in RPGs or Anime don't-"

"I'm talking about _you_!" Liza interrupted. "Tell me, what will you do after the chiropterans are all dead?"

"Go to Disneyland, duh!" Saya scoffed. "And will you _please_ stop being such a Negative Nancy? It's _really_ annoying." Gathering all the ice cubes into a pack, she carried it over to Riku and placed it…

Right on Haji's crotch.

"There, that oughta cool ya down!" Saya smiled in satisfaction.

"Um…I think it's supposed to be for _him_," Haji (who was now thankfully dressed again) corrected, pointing at Riku's flushed features.

"Oh. I knew that." Saya coughed. "But you gotta admit it was a perfectly understandable mistake."

"Yeah, yeah." Haji sighed and paused awkwardly. "…Can you take this off me now? My balls are shriveling."

"You big _baby_!" Saya snatched the pack from Haji's frigid privates and placed it on Riku's sizzling forehead. "There, happy now?"

"GAWD, I can't _stand_ this anymore!!" Liza exploded, storming into the room. "You guys are so stupidly oblivious it's almost insulting!"

"Man, what's with _her_?" Saya asked, rolling her eyes. "Snow cone?"

"Sure!" Haji happily reached forward and took one. "Hey, this seems vaguely _familiar_…"

"Don't you get it?!" Liza continued to shout. "I'm bad! Evil! Wiggidy-whack, yo! I threw the _real_ Liza off the train after suckin' out all her blood!"

"Ohh, so _that's_ why you kept saying those weird things!" Saya said aloud. "I just thought you had a perverted fixation with throwing people off of trains!" She paused awkwardly. "Haji, attack!" With a snap of her fingers, Haji sprang forward, snarling.

"You think you can beat _me_?!" Liza growled in a deeply masculine voice, easily blocking Haji's strike.

"No way!" Saya gasped in surprise at the sound of Liza's manly voice.

"Hahaha! So _now_ you see-"

"You're a _tranny_?!!"

"You guys are effing hopeless!!!"

_Crash_!

Liza sent Haji flying out the window to the snow-filled courtyard several floors below, quickly following after. She (He? Hell, I don't know anymore) pinned Haji to the frozen ground, greatly disturbing his state of mind with her confusing gender-bending.

"Find a happy place! Find a happy place! _Find a happy place_!" Haij chanted to himself. Still up in the room, Saya dashed to the window and peeked out at the daunting drop to the ground below.

"Oh, HELLZ no!" Saya snorted. "I'm takin' the stairs, bitch!" She disappeared from the window and could be heard clomping toward the stairs.

"Take your time, Saya…" Haji groaned in pain (and discomfort). "No hurry here!" Several long, silent moments went by, with Liza tapping her foot impatiently and checking her watch, sitting on Haji's chest to keep him pinned down. Finally the nearby door banged open and Saya appeared, huffing and puffing for breath.

"Hey, sorry," she gasped out. "I got kinda lost, plus I stopped for a drink along the way! You know me, can't turn down a hot chocolate! _Mmm_!" She smiled happily and rubbed her tummy. "Now…what were we doing again?"

"_Fighting_." Liza ground out.

"Look, Saya!" Haji called from the ground. "I made a snow angel!"

"Aww, how cute!" Saya squealed.

"_Shut up and listen_!" Liza was about to explode. "Surely you've noticed it, Saya! You're not human!"

"Wha…yes I am!" Saya insisted.

"Oh? What about your healing ability?" Liza pressed.

"Tha…that's perfectly normal." Saya stuttered.

"And your superhuman strength?"

"I drink lots of milk!"

"And your voracious appetite?"

"I…I…" Saya searched desperately for an answer but was forced to give up. "_Alright_! So I'm not a human! Gawd, what do you _want_ from me?!!"

"I just wanted to prove that you're a chiropteran!!" Liza spat, jabbing a finger at Saya with a look of triumph on her face. "Admit it! You're one of us, Saya!!"

"Wha…a…chiropteran?" Saya's head spun. A chiropteran? Her?

"_Ooooh_! Tell me, Saya," Jerry Springer asked, magically appearing at her side and shoving a mic in her face, "how does that make you _feel_, knowing you've been killing your own kind all along? Not to mention everyone _knew_ and didn't tell you!"

"Well, Jerry," Saya answered solemnly, "it kinda makes me feel like kickin' her _bleep_ing ass!! Mother-_bleep_er, you are going _bleep_ing DOWN!!" She leapt at Liza but was restrained by men in tight black clothes that read 'security'.

"I'll do it for you, Saya!" Haji volunteered, jumping at Liza. She easily batted his attempts away, then ran him through with a _hand_. "_Gaaah_!" Haji sputtered in pain. "This is the second effing time I get run through! I'm keeping _count_ from now on!"

"Hey, you can't do that to him!" Saya hissed, her eyes turning blood red. "Only _I_ get to abuse my man-slave! Hands off!" She shoved past the men holding her back, then charged at Liza, sword swinging. The woman just as effortlessly dodged her attacks, then grabbed hold of the sword's blade.

_Crack_!

Saya's sword broke in two, leaving her holding a useless weapon by the hilt.

"You…you _broke_ my _sword_!" Saya gasped in outrage. "You _bitch_! This cost me…" She paused and looked over at Haij. "Hey, Haji! How much did this cost me?"

"8.95, before taxes!" Haji called weakly.

"You hear that?!" Saya turned back to Liza. "You owe me ten bucks!"

"Saya, come home!" Liza cried. "Come be with your family of chiropterans, and your sister, Diva!"

"_Sister_?! And you guys are my family?! Hah, you expect me to believe that?!" Saya snorted, then flung her arms around Liza and squealed. "Auntie! Er, or is it Uncle?"

"My God, this is pure _gold_!" Jerry Springer whispered to himself. "You guys getting this on film?!"

"Get off me!" Liza pushed Saya back and straightened her sweater. "Listen, hun. That David and the others are all lying to you! If you wanna say hi, come to the Zoo."

"The zoo?" Saya scowled. "Wait, there's not gonna be any mangy animals or chimps throwin' poo, is there? Because I'm not down with that-"

"Whatever! Later, toots!" Liza gave Saya a departing pat on the fanny, then leapt away into the darkness. All the newly learned facts became too much for Saya, and she fell to the ground, her eyes filling with tears.

"Haji!" She growled, sniffling a little. "Stop being _selfish_ and get the EFF over here! I need something to cry on!"

"C…coming…" Haji gurgled in pain, slowly crawling over toward her. "I'm…coming. Just…gimme a…minute…"

-Later-

Kai stood next to Riku's bed, scowling down at his little brother, who still lay there unconscious.

"…Why's there an icepack on his crotch?" He wondered aloud. "His _balls_ must be all shriveled!"

"Pffft! Yeah, what balls?" Julia muttered before the door opened and David and Louis sauntered in.

"I found this outside," David told the others, holding up Saya's broken sword. "Along with this." He held up a small note on which was scrawled "_Bleep_ you, losers!" in Saya's handwriting. "There was a also a huge ice-sculpture of a hand giving the middle finger, and a snowman which I am quite sure is supposed to be me getting my head chopped off. It was quite detailed and beautiful." He paused. "Just what is she trying to _tell_ us?"

"I…think it's pretty damn _obvious_," Louis grunted.

"What, she loves us forever and a day?"

"NO!"

-Elsewhere-

Somewhere out on the ocean, on an unnamed boat, that same mysterious container from several episodes back sat innocently, one of its doors cracked open. From inside the dark confines, a deep red liquid dripped steadily. A feminine foot stepped forward into the light.

"Mmm…I love kool-aid. _Shluuuuuurp_. Too bad I spilled it, though."

-Episode 19 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Mmkay, here you go. And guess what? I hear there's yet another storm on the way. Joy. Here's some advice: don't ever go to the northeast unless you like snow. EVER. Okay, I'm done. Hope you liked it! Bye!


	20. Episode 20: Chevalier

Author's Note: Man, did I have some fun with this episode. Don't really know _why_, maybe because there was a crap-ton of characters (new ones, too) and them all gettin' together. Well, enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 20

Chevalier

In the bustling capital of Paris, France (bonjour!), a taxicab cut through the traffic, heading deep into the heart of the city. In need of directions, the cab eased to a stop by the side of the road and a window slid open, revealing James, the slim brutha you might remember from one of the earlier episodes.

"Hello, do you know where the museum is?" He politely asked a small group of citizens standing at the sidewalk. They all stared back at him blankly. "No…no speaky the English? Alright, hang on." James pulled out his 'French for Chevaliers' book and flipped through it. "Let's see…how do I say…tu…tu t'appelles frommage?" The group of people burst into gales of laughter. "…Dammit."

Elsewhere in the French city, an outrageously gay man with curly blond hair and a loose purple shirt was busy head-banging to Metallica whilst riding an escalator through a mall. A security officer nervously approached him.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to ticket you for incredibly bad fashion sense-"

"Bite me!"

In a boring office-room-place also in the same city, Solomon stared despondently out the window while digging a finger deep into his nasal cavity-

"HEY!" Solomon glared at the camera, quickly removing his finger. "Why does everyone else but _me_ get cool intros to the episode?!" They weren't cool. They were just as silly and stupid as yours. "…Really? Oh well, then." Suddenly he cocked his head and smiled. "Say, how about going to a mo-" CAN IT!!

-In a Secret Lab Somewhere-

In a secret lab somewhere (why does that sound so familiar?), children in cloaks lay in their cells, moaning and groaning in agony. Mr. Argeno (Frenchie's _back_!) strode through the laboratory, a nerdy-looking scientist in a yellow chemical jumpsuit walking next to him.

"Did you guys _miss_ me?" Mr. Argeno asked sweetly, winking at the camera.

"SIR." The scientist coughed. "What did you _do_ to the patients?"

"Oh, them?" Mr. Argeno glanced at the suffering children. "Nothing much. Just made them watch that new MTV show, 'That's Amore'."

"My GOD." The scientist whispered, eyes widening in horror. "How _could_ you? Have you no soul? I understand Tila Tequila, but _that_?"

"Yes, yes. I know, I'm a sick bastard," Mr. Argeno waved a hand, then eyed his companion's plastic jumpsuit. "…By the way, are you wearing anything under that suit?"

"…No," the scientist admitted truthfully. "I'm completely naked under this."

"…_Why_?"

"I just like the way it _feels_."

A long, awkward silence passed between them.

"Okay, can we _please_ get something to interrupt this conversation before I vomit?" Mr. Argeno asked hopefully. Immediately the alarms went off, red lights flashing as a horn began blaring. "Thank you, God," Mr. Argeno said softly. "I promise to never ask stupid questions again."

"Red alert! Intruders! Intruders!" A voice rang out over the intercom. There was a short pause. "I have officially crapped myself. Someone hold me." Suddenly a door at the bottom of the compound burst open, and several kids with weapons and black cloaks (like the ones in the previous episode, pinkeye! They're called the Schiff, in case you were wondering) rushed in, followed closely by slobbering chiropterans.

"_Who_ let the chiro's out?" Mr. Argeno asked aloud. "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the chiro's out? Who-"

"Don't make me unzip this suit, sir," the nerdy scientist said firmly. Mr. Argeno's mouth instantly snapped shut. Down below, the creepy Schiff children brandished their weapons and quickly dispatched the chiropterans. Grabbing a hunk of the dead monster, one of the kids stuck a bendy-straw in it and sucked up its blood noisily.

"How is it?" The other kid asked.

"_Blech_." The first kid gagged and threw the piece of meat down. "No luck, it tastes like…_Sunny D_." Both children shivered in revulsion at the thought.

_Bang, bang, bang_!

A group of the laboratory's guards appeared, opening fire on the children with machine guns. Amazingly…they all missed.

"Good _Lord_!" One of the kids drawled, aghast. "Were you guys even _aiming_ at us? We're, like, two _frickin'_ feet in front of you!" Shaking their heads in disgust, the Schiff leapt from the ground and escaped through the nearby windows.

"You men suck!" Mr. Argeno hollered down at the guards. "You're all-" A guard raised his gun and shot him in the shoulder. "_Aaaagh_! What the _hell_?! NOW you hit something? And I was all the way up here, too! What the f-"

"At least the creepy kids are gone," the scientist sighed.

"Yes, I suppose," Mr. Argeno agreed, then narrowed his eyes and peered down at the bodies of the dismembered chiropterans. "What a minute…is that…Jerry Jr down there?! _NOOOOOOOO_!!"

-Elsewhere-

Somewhere else in the world (I can't really tell _where_), a helicopter zoomed through the sky above a sparkling ocean. Well, not really zoomed, since it was actually barely clearing the foam-tipped waves, obviously weighted down by something.

"It's all _your_ fault!" Kai growled, glaring across at Louis. "Your fat ass is weighing us down! We have no choice but to hurl you off the helicopter!"

"Just _try_," Louis snorted, leaning back and crossing his arms.

"Fine!" Kai snapped, leaping to his feet. Grabbing hold of one of Louis' arms, he _heaaaaaved_, and…nothing. Louis didn't move an inch. Even after several long minutes of swearing, shoving, and more swearing, Louis still hadn't been moved an inch.

Growling a string of curses, Kai settled back and squeezed his eyes shut, giving a drawn-out grunt of exertion.

"…What're you doing?" Louis asked dubiously.

"Trying to use my latent psychic powers to move you but it's not working because you're so effing FAT!!" Kai gave up and violently threw himself into his seat.

"Oh, come on," Julia soothed, trying to cheer him up. "I'll show you my boobs."

"Why would I wanna see _your_ dried up ol' titties?!"

Julia scowled, threw the copter doors open, and kicked Kai out. Too bad he didn't hit the water – there was a huge military-like boat that got in the way. Kai slammed down right into the center of a big red circle.

"Bulls-eye!" Julia cried triumphantly, pumping a fist in the air. "That's ten points!"

"Hey, lemme try with Riku!" David joined in, grabbing Riku's arm.

"LET GO OF ME SKELETOR!!"

-On Red Shield's Headquarters, a.k.a. the Boat-

Kai, Riku, Julia, Louis, and David now all stood in a small, cramped room with nothing more than a table and a couple chairs. Upon arriving on the boat, they'd been hustled from the copter and locked in this room. Why? Let's find out.

"Alright, why am _I_ the only one without any clothes and in this big plastic ball?" Kai complained, gesturing at his nakedness (don't worry, he's got boxers on) and the huge plastic ball he was contained in.

"Because no-one wants to catch your stupid," David growled. "Now shut up before I close all the air holes in that thing."

"Oh, just _try_ it, you son of a-"

_Beeeep_!

Just then a light went on and a man began speaking over an intercom into the room.

"Hey, everyone," the voice said pleasantly. "I'm Joel. Nice to meet you. We've got some bad news – we've found Liza's dead, naked body."

"Wh…what?!" David leapt up from his seat. "What on earth happened?!"

"We…don't know yet," Joel answered hesitantly. "We're still…taking pictures of the body in various poses."

"…That's sick, man," Louis stated.

"DON'T JUDGE ME!!" Joel snapped angrily, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, this means the Liza _you_ met was actually a chevalier, and you're all under 72 hours quarantine to make sure you're not chevalier either. Hope you all get along. Have fun!"

_Beeeep_!

A long silence followed.

_Puuuuuuuuuurrrrt_.

"_LOUIS_!!" Everyone shouted.

"It's the tacos!!" Louis yelled back. "I keep tellin' you guys!"

"Aaagh! Riku, stop!" Kai cried as his brother began rolling him around in his huge plastic ball. "I'm gonna be sick! Stop!"

"The wheels on the bus go round and round!" Riku sang happily, paying his brother's protests no heed.

"Alright, you two are in timeout!" David snarled, whipping out his gun. "HEY! I _said_ you're in timeout!" He fired off several rounds to prove his point.

"…We're _never_ gonna make it," Julia sighed, slumping in her chair.

Back in the control room of the ship, a brown-haired young man (Joel), leaned back from a microphone and glanced at his companion, a ruffle-haired, skinny old man.

"Who _are_ you anyway," Joel asked surreptitiously, "David's _father_?"

"Hmph," the old man grunted and glared back at him. "You'd better enjoy your legs while you can."

"…What?"

"Nothing!"

-With Saya-

Elsewhere in the world (perhaps also in France? It's hard to tell), a junky old truck puttered down the road, its load of swine squealing and snorting with each bump and turn. Accompanying the pigs in the back were Saya and Haji, who had apparently hitched a ride from the farmer. The news could be heard blaring over the radio.

"The incident that occurred a few days ago was indeed an accident," a woman's voice calmly informed, "and there were absolutely no vampires involved. Oh, wait, did I say vampires? I, uh, meant chiropterans- no, monsters- no, Mexicans- _gaaah_!" There was a pause. "…This just in. I'm fired."

"Thanks for getting us a ride, Haji," Saya said quietly. "I didn't know you had such…talents."

Saya and Haji had switched bottoms, leaving Saya with dark pants and Haji wearing a short miniskirt that left his long, skinny legs exposed.

"Oh, no problem," Haji gloated, propping a leg up. "_Told_ you my legs were sex-_ay_!" Suddenly he noticed the farmer eyeing him suggestively from the rear-view mirror. "Keep your eyes on the road, pervert!" The farmer quickly snapped his eyes back on the road and readjusted the mirror. "_Men_…" Haji grumbled.

"Haji…" Saya said with a hint of sadness, "why didn't you tell me I was a chiropteran? That Diva was my sister? All that crap? I can't believe I've been fighting my own kind all this time. It's not fair! You should have told me! Haji, are you listen-"

"One little piggy went to the market, one little piggy stayed home," Haji was singing, playing with the pigs in their pen. "And _this_ little piggy went-"

_Smack_!

"Listen to my pain, dammit!!"

"I can't help it!" Haji wailed. "You're so UN-sexy when you're being emo!"

-Elsewhere-

In a large, green garden place with pillars and dino skeletons (I think it's a museum of sorts), Solomon stood, waiting. After a few long minutes, the doors to the museum flew open and James bustled in, taking off his hat and adjusting his shirt.

"Wow, James. Right on time," Solomon remarked snidely, checking his watch. "Two hours late."

"Shut up," James snapped, approaching a small table in the middle of the room. "I got kind of lost and couldn't ask anyone for directions. I need to brush up on my French is all. By the way, what does 'manger ma merde' mean?"

"I _think_ they asked if they could have sex with you," Solomon guessed, shrugging. "Why don't you get a tutor or something?"

"I nominate _myself_!" A feminine voice called out. Both men looked over to see the gay guy from the opening waving at them.

"_Hey_!" The man growled, pointing at the above sentence. "I am _not_ gay! I'm _metrosexual_!" Both men stared at him blankly. "Alright, so I'm here and I'm queer. Get _over_ it, sister!" He did a Z-snap and bobbed his head for emphasis.

"_Gawd_, I've only been here for a few minutes and Nathan has _already_ given me a migraine," James grumbled, kneading his temples. Nathan (the gay guy), sniffed primly.

"Oh, please!" He taunted. "You haven't been on the front lines in a while, James. Are you getting rusty?"

"You think so?" James' eyes narrowed dangerously. He slowly marched up to Nathan, reached out and hand, and…

Pulled a quarter out from behind his ear.

"_Oooh_…" James said in a bored tone, waving his arms. "It's _maaaagic_."

"Oh, I _knew_ you still had it in you!" Nathan squealed happily.

Later, the three sat at the table and began catching up on things.

"So, what've you two been up to?" Solomon asked.

"Well," Nathan began, "I was just on Project Runway, but that Heidi Klum bitch didn't like my designs, so I just killed her and everyone there! What about you, James?"

"I'm getting into the entertainment industry," James told them. "A record label is thinking of signing me. I got some mad rhymes, dog."

"I'm…sure you do," Solomon coughed. "As for me, I'm still falling in love every five seconds. Oh, and I got a VD. Cool, huh?"

"NO." James and Nathan inched their chairs away. Diva, with her hair down and decked in a pretty dress, lay in the background, strategically positioned so we can't see her damn face. What's up with that, huh?

"Hey, there's a good reason!" Diva argued, face still obscured. Yeah, what is it? "I…I'm having a breakout." …Sure you are, honey.

-Back on the Boat-

"_AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH_!" Kai writhed in agony, flailing his arms about and screaming his head off. Several men struggled to hold him down, but he was putting up quite a fight, plus their ears were bleeding from the verbal abuse of his constant shrieking.

"KAI!!" A doctor hollered.

"_AAAAAAAA_- yes?" Kai asked sweetly.

"We haven't even broken the skin yet!" The doctor growled, clutching a shot poised over Kai's arm.

"…Oh."

"Are you gonna behave now?" The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Kai promised. The doctor moved the syringe an inch. "_AAAAAAAAA_-"

A short while later, Kai was shoved back into the quarantine room, a bandage wrapped around his arm, and a happy-face sticker slapped on his cheek. No-one else was in the room but David, who sat at the table.

"Hey, man! Look!" Kai removed the bandaged and showed off his Looney Toones band-aid underneath, which covered the needle hole of the shot he'd just received. "_Yeah_, and I only cried for _two_ hours."

"Hmm…" David narrowed his eyes and gave him a look. "Why aren't you in your ball? Your stupid is leaking everywhere."

"Meh," Kai grunted, throwing himself into a chair next to David. "It's getting hosed off after I blew chunks in it thanks to Riku." Kai twiddled his thumbs and looked bored. "So…! Whadda we do now?"

"Well," David muttered, rubbing his chin. "We either talk about our feelings, or I give you the low-down on Saya."

"Screw family bonding," Kai cried. "Lay it on me, skinny man!"

-Back at the Museum-

"So, you've met Haji?" Nathan asked Solomon, leaning forward intently. "What's he like? Is he cute? How's his tush?" James choked on his drink and Solomon just looked uncomfortable.

"Um, he's a bit perverted, I guess he's easy on the eyes, and his ass is kinda pear-shaped," he answered uncertainly. "…I feel so dirty."

"Alright, now tell us about Saya!" Nathan prompted. Solomon frowned.

"She…likes bagels," he began.

"…_And_?" Nathan and James pressed.

"And…that's all I remember," Solomon admitted. "That and I wanna bang her."

"Ohh, never mind, you're _useless_…" Nathan sighed in disappointment, sitting back in his chair.

"Did I miss the party?" A deep voice interrupted. The others turned to see…Liza!

"It's-" Solomon began.

"A tranny with a bad case of bronchitis?!" Nathan finished.

"NO!" Liza growled. "It's me, Amshel! _Geez_…" Still in Liza's form, Amshel strode over to the sleeping Diva's side and gently stroked her hair. "_You_ understand me, don't you?"

-Aaaaaand Back on the Boat Again-

"I can't believe this…" Kai whispered, his eyes glued to the computer screen. Beside him, David nodded.

"I know," he said quietly, "it's very heavy stuff-"

"That son of a bitch kicked me off his friends list!" Kai hissed. "I am SO blogging about this!"

"Kai, just read the info on Saya!" David growled dangerously.

"Yeah, in a minute," Kai said dismissively. "My friend is IM-ing me." He clicked on the window and began typing. "LOLOLOLOL!!!111"

"KAI!" David leaned forward and glared. "Do I have to get my big black friend?"

"Dude, Louis isn't here-"

"I meant my GUN!"

"…Well, then, _you're_ racist," Kai stated matter-of-factly. David withdrew his gun and pressed it to Kai's forehead. "Okay, okay! Hang on! Just lemme say bye!" He clicked on the IM window again. "BRB. …LOL."

"_NOW_!!!"

"I'm reading, I'm reading!" Kai hurriedly scanned the contents of the Saya info and got the gist of it. "Whoa, this _is_ pretty heavy stuff! I can't believe Saya's-"

"Hey, Kai!" Suddenly the door flew open and Riku skipped in, followed closely by Louis. Kai glared at him.

"Oh, so NOW you show up?"

"Eh?" Louis blinked.

"What're you doing?" Riku asked, staring at the computer.

"Wha? I- nothing." Kai snapped the computer closed. "I was…looking at porn." Riku stared at his brother in silence. "_Graaaah_!" Suddenly Kai grabbed the laptop and hurled it at the ground, shattering it into pieces.

"Hey, that cost me two thousand big ones!" David complained.

"What the heck did you do that for?!" Riku cried.

"You can't _handle_ the truth!" Kai hollered in his face, then ran wailing out of the room.

"Man, what the hell is _wrong_ with him?" Louis wondered aloud.

"He's stupid," David growled, on his knees picking up the remains of his precious computer. "Isn't it obvious?"

-Back to the Museum, Once Again!-

"Well, now we're all here except for Karl," Solomon commented.

"Yeah, and he's probably off somewhere in the dark whispering 'my precious!'" Nathan snorted, then paused. "I get to brush Diva's hair!"

"Not before I _cornrow_ it, bitch!" James butted in, shoving Nathan to the ground and dashing to Diva's side.

"Doesn't anyone care that I'm in my normal male form now?" Amshel asked piteously. Indeed, he had changed from Liza's feminine self into a black-haired, bearded middle-aged man.

"No," Solomon told him, "especially since your three bottom eyelashes haven't changed one bit."

"I…who…eyelashes…_what are you insinuating_?!!" Amshel sputtering, fingering his lashes.

"Nothing," Solomon replied innocently. "Just that you have girly eyelashes. All _three_ of them."

"Alright, that's it!" Amshel leapt at Solomon. "You are getting a noogie, you little brat!!"

"By the way, why didn't you capture Saya and Haji while you were with them in Russia?" James asked, tightly braiding Diva's lovely long black hair. "You know, she would look _bitchin'_ with a weave-"

"I wanted to avoid unnecessary bloodshed," Amshel replied smartly, noogying Solomon's head into oblivion.

"_Avoid_ bloodshed?!" Nathan snorted dubiously. "This show is rated _mature_!"

"Well, anyway," Solomon muttered, pulling away from Amshel. "We still need to capture Haji for Diva."

"Oh, I've already got that covered," Amshel said smugly, marching over to a covered object. He dramatically whipped off the blanket, revealing…

A cardboard-cutout of a supermodel with Saya's face pasted on the top.

"He'll _never_ be able to resist."

-Later-

Later that night, Solomon walked all on his lonesome along one of the canals in the French city (I guess he didn't learn anything from the previous episode – don't walk alone at night, kids!). It was only a matter of minutes before he was set upon by the same two Schiff kids from the start of the episode.

"Give us your blood!" One of the children snarled, and they leapt at Solomon, weapons slashing. The three scuffled for a bit, then the kids managed to slash one of Solomon's precious arms off.

"Hey! I _liked_ that arm!" Solomon hissed. "Now I'm like Karl! You bastards are dead!" An eerie breeze ruffled his hair, and his eyes glowed red with bloodlust.

"No way…" One of the kids whispered in awe. "_You've_ got pinkeye, too?!"

-Still Later-

"Aw, not _again_, Solomon!" Mr. Argeno whined, kicking at the dismembered limbs that littered the ground. "How many hookers are you going to kill? This is the last one I'm cleaning up for you!" He glanced over at his scientist friend. "…You're still not wearing anything under that, are you?"

"Nope," the scientist answered quite proudly.

"Just checking."

Solomon paid no attention to their rambling, instead staring up at the night sky filled with glittering stars.

"…I must…go see Saya!" He whispered dreamily to himself.

Miles away, Haji's head snapped up, and his eyes narrowed.

"Saya senses…_tingling_!" He muttered. "I must mark my territory!" He hustled over to where Saya was slumbering against a tree and unzipped his pants. Saya immediately awoke and realized what he was about to do.

"Haji," Saya said with dangerous softness. "I really am going to kill you now."

"Can…can you at least wait until I'm finished?"

"NO."

-Episode 20 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Done! For all you who wanted to know, James said "Your name is cheese" to those people in the beginning of the episode. Also, anyone else notice Amshel's _incredible_ three bottom eyelashes? They're _amazing_. Oh, and if you think I went overboard with Nathan, just tell me and I'll tone down the gayness. Review, please!


	21. Episode 21: Sour Grapes

Author's Note: Alrighty, here's the next one. I had a little trouble with it at first, but I think it came out okay in the end. On another note: _HOLY CRAP OVER 300 REVIEWS!! DEAR LORD!_ …That's _a lot_. Thank you everyone who supports this story, I certainly couldn't have done it without you. So…here you go! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 21

Sour Grapes

On a moonlit night, in a deserted graveyard, the Schiff gathered. Their cloaks still concealing their identities, they pressed together in a football huddle and went over the current situation.

"What? Two of us were killed?!" One sputtered, hood slipping back to reveal a girlishly handsome face and hair obscuring one eye. "That only leaves eight of us!"

"I only count seven!" One especially stupid Schiff piped up, forgetting to count himself.

"That's because you're an idiot," the pretty-boy countered. "Shut the eff up."

"Hey, don't tell him to shut up, Moses!" A bespectacled young male Schiff growled. "If anyone here's gonna be an asshole, it'll be _me_!"

"I wasn't _talking_ to you, Karman," Moses spat back. "What are you, on your period, four eyes?"

"Who you calling four eyes, _one_ eye?!"

"Come on, you guys," a boy Schiff with straight-cut blond hair intervened. "Why can't we all just get alo-"

"_Stay out of it, bowl-cut_!!" Both Moses and Karman hollered at him.

"_B…bowl_-cut?" The blond Schiff sniffled with hurt. "_Ireeeeeene_!" A pretty, long-haired Schiff girl appeared and glared.

"Everyone be QUIET!" She barked, and they obeyed. "Moses and Karman, apologize to Guy," she ordered firmly, pointing at the bowl-cut kid. Karman scowled.

"…I'm sorry your hair looks like that."

"HEY!"

"Close enough," Irene sighed, pulling up her hood. "Now let's hurry up and go find Saya before we all kill each other."

The Schiff all zoomed off into the night, allowing the audience to recover from the sudden onslaught of new characters.

-Elsewhere-

"And so then Jessica told _me_ to tell Bobby to tell _you_ that he doesn't _like_ her like her, he only _likes_ her, you know what I mean?" Solomon finished in one breath, chatting it up on the phone. He was back in his office in France (?), leaning back comfortably in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk.

"Solomon," Mr. Argeno's voice grumbled from the other line, "how many times do I have to tell you, I don't _caaaaare_ about your stupid Myspace?"

"Hey, come on!" Solomon argued. "You made me listen to your horror stories of being molested by a clown as a child!"

There was a short pause over the phone.

"…I told you that in _confidence_," Mr. Argeno whispered softly.

"Yeah, well," Solomon shrugged, "I _might_ have put it up on my Myspace, and all my 300,000 friends _might_ have read it."

"Well, you _might_ be getting a bomb in the mail," Mr. Argeno growled, popping another of his crack-candies into his mouth. "Now would you _mind_ telling me what I'm doing freezing my balls in this stupid place?" He was in some chilly, abandoned facility in some place I don't really know or care about.

"Oh, don't worry," Solomon assured him. "There's an _extremely_ important reason for it. And that reason is- _daaaaaamn_, that secretary is _fine_!" He leaned back in his chair to get a look at the passing girl's ankles and inadvertently tipped over. What a perv. 

-In the Middle of Nowhere-

"Aw! _Awwww_! The damn car broke down!" Okamura cursed, kicking open the driver-side door and storming out. He and Mao were in the middle of a quaint countryside (also in France?), but had run across a small problem. That problem being a crappy car. "And I just _bought_ the damn thing, too!"

"Well, then, we'll just take it back-" Mao began to order, but when she looked over her shoulder to where the car shop had been moments before, all she saw was a dusty foundation and some trash, with the building magically gone. "I _knew_ those guys were frauds! Damn!"

Okamura grumbled his way to the front of the car, where he banged on the hood and wrenched it open. Immediately flames spewed out of the engine and lit his hair up like a firecracker. As he howled in agony and flailed about on the ground, Mao rolled her window down and glared at him.

"Hurry up, I'm bored back here!"

"_You_ come try!" Okamura snapped, having quelled the hungry flames.

"HEY," Mao said firmly, pointing to her crotch. "_Vagina_."

"HEY," Okamura countered, unimpressed. "_Penis_. Just because _I'm_ the man shouldn't mean _I_ have to deal with this dumb car! This is all _your_ fault, anyway! It was you who bought this piece of crap in the first place!"

"But it matched my purse!" Mao argued hotly, sliding out of the car. "Plus the color really makes my eyes _pop_!"

"Yeah, I'll pop your friggin' eyes…" Okamura muttered to himself, pulling out his pack of cigarettes. Mao immediately leapt forward, snatched the pack from him, and hurled them into a field, where they landed in the hands of a small five-year old boy.

"What's this?" The boy asked innocently. "I think I'll smoke 'em!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Okamura roared. Mao stood her ground.

"I said no smoking in front of me!" She stated, then paused. "In fact, don't even _look_ at me. No eye contact! Get on the ground in the fetal position, right now!"

"Gawd, you're one crazy ho," Okamura sighed, rubbing his temples. "Why did I _ever_ let you come along?"

"Because I'm hot?" Mao cooed, batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"…I'm not even going _near_ that one," Okamura coughed, noticing a police officer who poked his head out of a nearby bush and eyed the two warily. Upon hearing Okamura's statement, the police officer nodded in approval and sank back into the bush.

"You joined me because I'm a Grade-A Stalker!" Mao barked, taking out a card that proved herself. "Don't underestimate my powers!"

"Listen-" Okamura began.

"What'd I say about looking at me?!"

"FINE!" Okamura spun on his heel, then held up a pocket mirror so he could look at Mao without facing her. "There! This way, I won't turn to _stone_!"

"You would _not_!" Mao growled, glaring at a nearby squirrel. Immediately the rodent froze and turned to stone. "Oh, whatEVER! Go find us some frigging water!" Mao shoved Okamura down the road they'd been traveling on. "And make sure it's sparkling, not mineral! I have a delicate digestive system!"

"Find water, _how_?" Okamura argued, still careful not to make eye contact. "We're in the middle of nowhere!"

"Suck it out of the dirt, if you have to!" Mao snapped irritably. "Now go!"

"Yes, your Majesty…" Okamura grumbled, trudging away down the path. Mao sighed heavily and leaned against the useless car. "Will I _ever_ get to see Kai again?" 

Wherever he was at that moment, Kai shivered involuntarily.

"…What the hell was _that_?"

Back with Mao, several long minutes had passed with nothing for Mao to yell at. She was quite bored. And a bit lonely.

"_You_ like me, don't you?" She asked the car sweetly. After a few silent moments, the car slowly ground away from her, leaving furrows in the dirt. 

"_I hate you all_!" Mao yelled at the sky.

"Hey, Mao!" Kai suddenly popped out of nowhere, which was weird. He was also wearing nothing but a bright pink speedo and sunglasses, which was even weirder. Mao didn't seem to mind. "Sorry for being such a dick," he continued on despite the weirdness. "To make it up to you, I'm willing to allow you the honor of rubbing suntan lotion all over my muscled physique!"

"Oh, _hellz_ yeah!" Mao cried, leaping on him. It was her dream come true, her one desire, her-

_HONK, HONK_!

"_Shut the hell up_!!" Mao roared. "Can't you see I'm _fantasizing_ here?!" She blinked in surprise as she turned to see a handsome young man in a sweet car sitting behind her piece of crap vehicle. Still pissed, she stormed up to the boy's window and glared. "Who the _Honk_ are _Honk_ing you, mother-_Honk_er?!" 

"Thank me later, ladies!" Solomon said, grinning at the camera and winking. "Anyway, can you move your car? I have to get to the free clinic so I can pick up my medication for my VD. …Seriously, it feels like there's a welder down there with a friggin' _blowtorch_. So…can you move it or not?"

"NOT." Mao crossed her arms. 

"Oh well then." Solomon slammed on the gas (causing Mao to jump away with a squawk) and drove up and OVER her poor crappy car, then down the road and beyond. Mao hurled several expletives after the disappearing taillights. 

"Hey, I'm back!" Okamura called, hauling a bucket of water over to Mao. He saw the car and raised an eyebrow "What'd I miss? You get angry or something?"

"It wasn't _me_!" Mao snapped. "And if it _had_ been, there'd be nothing but a crater there. Anyway, where'd you get the water?"

"I sucked it up from the dirt, just like you told me!" Okamura said (a bit proudly). 

"Well, sorry to break it to you, but using it on the car won't help any-"

"That's alright," Okamura smiled. "I just got a better idea for it." So saying, he lifted the bucket and tipped the contents right over Mao's head.

"_You a-hole_!" She roared at him, soaked from head to toe. "You sucked all that water from the dirt and then used it to get me wet?! What was the point in that?!"

"It was worth it!" Okamura cried, then flinched as Mao grabbed him by the collar and made to strike him.

"Wait a second!" Mao froze, her fist just inches away from Okamura's vulnerable face.

"What, you forgot to put on brass knuckles?" Okamura was balancing on a thin line between partial annihilation and total annihilation.

"No, I know where I recognize that guy from now!" Mao stated. "And I usually prefer a baseball bat to brass knuckles. Breaks more bones that way." Dropping the dead-beat reporter, she scrambled to what was left of the car and grabbed some papers out of her backpack. On the papers was a picture of Solomon from his Myspace. "C…E…O?" Mao read slowly.

"Sound it out, honey," Okamura coaxed. "Those Hooked on Phonics are working _wonders_!"

"Oh yeah? Well here's another one for ya," Mao growled. "F…U…C…"

"Change the scene already!"

-With Saya-

Elsewhere at the time, Saya and Haji were still continuing their journey toward the mysterious 'Zoo'. Saya walked slowly through a field, staring at the ground, feet trudging in the dirt listlessly. Haji strode beside her, copying her sad walk and raising his arms before him like a zombie.

"_Braaaaaains_…" he groaned out. "_Orgaaaaaaans_…"

"Shut up!" Saya whirled toward him and smacked his chest.

"Hey, sorry, I'm just imitating you," Haji grumbled, lowering his arms. After a short pause, he leapt forward and shoved Saya off her feet. "OHH, you fell over! You're weak! Now let me grope you." 

"No! Get away! I'm fine!" Saya struggled to her feet and shoved him back. 

"Are…are you sure? You're not weak at all? You don't-"

"_I said I'm fine_!" Saya barked and stormed off in a huff. Haji watched her go, then picked up a hefty branch and stalked after her.

-Back With Okamura-

"_Yeaaaaaaaah_! Let's get wasted, old timer!!" Okamura cheered, guzzling down bottles of champagne with gusto. An old man, the owner of the establishment that Mao and Okamura had finally reached, simply stared at him curiously.

"Um…that's non-alcoholic wine, sonny."

"_Whooooooo_-wha?" Okamura looked up from where he'd been removing his pants and blushed. 

"Put your shirt back on!" Mao snapped, whipping his clothing at his head. She was a bit miffed because she was underage and therefore couldn't also join in the yelling and clothing removal. 

"Mother…effing…stupid…" Okamura grumbled, struggling to pull on his shirt. "_Tell_ me next time, old man!"

"Whatever." The old man rolled his eyes, then regarded the two seriously. "So, what brings you two here, anyway?"

"Well, besides the free booze," Okamura stated, "we're looking for clues that have something to do with a certain kind of wine or…something. I don't really _know_, it's all really confusing, and I'm just a minor character, so why should I _care_, I'm barely in the story at all. And I've also got some issues…"

Okamura rambled on and on, not noticing the old man had fallen asleep and Mao had pilfered a bottle of wine, which she'd taken outside and now was in the middle of Mortal Kombat with a hobo over it. 

"…And I think that's the moment I began to hate my mother," Okamura finished, wiping a tear from his eye. "So! Can you tell us about this chateau?" 

"Eh?" The old man snorted awake and blinked at Okamura. "Chateau? Oh, alright. Follow me." The two went outside where Mao was (with the remains of the poor hobo twitching at her feet), and the old man pointed to the distant hills. "The chateau was just over there, beyond the hills," the old man told them. "But sadly a disaster happened."

"They got an Extreme Home Makeover?!" Mao gasped in horror.

"…No," the old man scowled. "And how is that a disas-"

"They went on 'Tyra'?!" Mao clutched her chest.

"No."

"They-"

"NO!!" The old man interrupted, glaring at her. "There was a big fire there! A lot of people burnt to death! _Sheesh_!" He shook his head in wonderment.

"Wait, what about everyone else?" Okamura asked curiously.

"Oh…them…" The old man shuddered. "The others were found…_drained of all their blood_!!"

"_AIEEEEEEEEEEEE_!!" Okamura shrieked in fright like a little girl who'd just gotten a pony. His scream petered out when he noticed no-one else was screaming with him, and instead looking at him strangely. "…What?"

"You're an idiot," Mao stated. Okamura just blew her a kiss in retaliation.

"Anyways," the old man continued. "My grandfather once went over there and said he…_heard someone singing in the ruins_!!"

"_EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK_!!" Okamura leapt behind Mao for protection. "Make him stop, Mao! I've wet myself!"

"You're such a baby!" Mao muttered, pinching his nose closed in disgust. "Gawd, what did you eat, twenty pounds of asparagus? _Euuuuugh_!"

-With Saya…Again-

Saya and Haji continued their 'walk of death', now passing several houses and barns on the path. Atop one of the buildings, the shadowy figure of a Schiff could be seen.

"…Haji, what is that?" Saya asked curiously, squinting at the figure.

"That…that's just a weather vane," Haji coughed, gently steering her away down the path. They continued walking for about an hour or so, long enough for the orange sun to sink behind the horizon and night to settle in.

"Um, Saya?" Haji asked nervously, eyeing the road they were walking beside. "You know we _really_ should be wearing light-reflective clothing at night, not only because it's the morally responsible thing to do, but also because I don't feel like getting run over by a car will be a pleasurable experience."

"_Pfffft_," Saya snorted. "What cars? There aren't any around for mi-"

_Screeeeeeech_!

"_Gwaaaagh_!"

A car peeled outta nowhere and caught Haji in the legs, making him tumble onto the hood and up the front window. He slammed onto the ground, twitching in pain as the car screeched off into the night.

"I was right…" Haji gurgled. "It _wasn't_ pleasurable. Not in the least."

"Ohh, look what you did to my skirt!" Saya lamented, yanking her precious skirt off him and quickly switching out of Haji's pants. 

"But I looked so _good_ in it!" Haji complained, climbing to his feet and pulling his own pants back on. "Hey, you stretched out the ass! _Told_ you mine was smaller!"

"Just leave me alone!" Saya burst into tears and broke away from Haji, running to a nearby bridge. Haji caught up with her and grabbed her arm, pulling her close.

"Saya," he said softly, "you need some sexual…_heaaaaaaaling_!" 

There was an awkward pause.

"…Did you just _sing_?" Saya asked incredulously.

"Yes. Yes I did." Haji admitted. "…So are we gonna get it on, or what?"

"Sorry to interrupt," a dangerous voice…well…_interrupted_. The Schiff stepped out of the surrounding shadows and quickly surrounded the two. Saya made a face and Haji glared. 

"You see?" Haji looked down at Saya. "_This_ is why I wanted the skirt. I could have stunned them with my sexy legs, but _noooooo_, you had to-"

_Ka-Shink_!

Every Schiff drew their weapons, from lances to swords to clubs. Karman, the bespectacled Schiff from the opening (the bitchy one, remember?) stepped forward, leveling his lance at Saya. 

"We are here to take your blood!" He said menacingly. Saya blinked.

"You know, a simple syringe would suffice!" She pointed out.

"But…" Karman stammered. "But it's so much _cooler_ this way."

"These guys are idiots…" Saya sighed.

"_Attack_!" The Schiff struck, and Haji was just as quick to scoop up Saya in his arms and run like the fires of hell were singeing his ass.

"Quick, Saya!" He cried. "Flash them with your panties!"

"Will that stun them?" Saya asked worriedly.

"No, but it _will_ be very amusing."

"…How'd you like to try running away _without_ any legs?" Saya asked dangerously.

"…I'll behave." 

"Good."

Managing to elude their pursuers, the two ran deep into the dense forest under the cover of darkness. The Schiff split up, searching the forest for their prey.

"Just think of it as a game of hide and seek!" Haji said, trying to console Saya, who trembled in fear. "Except when the seekers find you, they'll hack you into little pieces and gorge on your blood."

"Thanks, Haji. I feel much better." Saya grumbled.

"You're welcome!" Haji returned sweetly, then shoved Saya into the hollow of a tree, deeming it a suitable hiding place. He turned to go, but Saya caught his arm.

"Wait, Haji! Don't go!" She pleaded.

"_Aww_, you're worried about me?" Haji smiled.

"…No. This tree is full of spiders." Saya coughed.

"Fine, then I'll squish them!"

"No! That's _mean_! Just move them!"

"You know," Haji commented after he was done disposing of the offending arachnids, "this might be the last chance you have to say/do something to me." Saya stared at him blankly.

"I'm _not_ sleeping with you."

"You're so _stingy_ with your _hoo-hoo_!" Haji bawled, running off into the woods. He quickly found the still-searching Schiff, and decided to disorient them with distracting animal calls. "Caw, caw!" He cried quite professionally. "Moooo! Kree, kree!"

"Hey!" Karman cried, pushing back his hood. "That's the sound of a yellow-bellied sap-sucker! They're only indigenous to Africa! Get him!"

"CRAP." Haji's master plan had backfired. "At least I'm not a nerd!" He called over his shoulder as he bolted for cover. Guy (the bowl-cut kid) stepped out from behind a tree, blocking his path. Haji stared at him awkwardly and giggled. "You've got funny hair." Guy scowled and withdrew his short knives. "It's _awesome_." Guy struck. "I mean it sucks!"

The Schiff all ganged up on Haji, meaning he didn't stand a chance. Poor Haji was stabbed from behind, then impaled with Karman's spear. 

"That's…_three_…times…now…" Haji gurgled weakly.

Back at the tree, Saya was bored. 

"Come on, Haji," she sighed, leaning against the tree's roots. "Die or save me or _something_. You could have at least left me a board game or some sudoku." Her head jerked up in surprise as Guy suddenly appeared, obviously looking for her. "Eeep!" She scrambled deeper into the hollow of the tree and attempted to make distracting animal calls like Haij. "Um…wee-snaw! Wee-snaw!"

"Hmm?" Guy cocked his head and listened closely. "That is _clearly_ the call of a stupid crack whore."

"_HEY!!"_ Saya leapt up and out of the tree in outrage.

"Found you!" Guy smiled and advanced. 

"Dammit!" Saya scrambled backwards, but there was no need. Haji stumbled out of the woods and angrily faced Guy.

"If anyone here's a whore," he growled, Karman's spear still lodged in his sternum, "it's gonna be ME."

"Haji," Saya called quietly, "you've…you've got something on your shirt…right _there_…"

"Hmph." Guy easily kicked Haji back and pinned him against a tree, running him through with a huge sword.

"_F…fouuuur…."_ Haji choked out, weakly holding up a pad of paper and a pencil and tallying down his latest abuse. Guy politely waited until he put the pad away, then stabbed Haji's hands to the tree with his short daggers. Saya screamed in horror, and Guy turned to her, eyebrow raised.

"Sorry," Saya apologized sheepishly. "There was a spider on my leg, but it's gone now. Please continue." Guy shrugged and turned back to Haji.

"We need your blood to live. You can't understand out _suffering_!" He growled, leaning in close. Haji winced.

"I'm…kinda getting the gist of it right now…" he admitted, glancing at the knives in his hand and various weaponry sticking out of his body. Guy ignored him, instead biting his neck and drinking his blood. "S…so…_gay_…" Haji whimpered, not at all liking the closeness between him and Guy. "Hey, wait! I'll just close my eyes and imagine it's Saya!"

"Stop _grabbing_ my _ass_!" Guy sputtered, letting go of Haji and staggering back. 

"Saya, your voice is suddenly so deep and masculine…"

"Open your freaking eyes!!" Guy pulled down the sleeve of his cloak just as the rest of the Schiff appeared, drawn by the commotion. They gasped as they saw strange red cracks covering Guy's exposed arm. 

"It's the Thorn!" Moses whispered. 

"Haji, what the _hell_ did you give him?!" Saya hollered, aghast.

"I didn't give him anything!" Haji protested, then paused. "Wait…maybe it _is_ possible. I did do a lot of experimenting with drugs during the 80's." He noticed Saya's disturbed look. "What, you were _asleep_! What else was I supposed to do?!" 

Suddenly Guy gagged and clutched his stomach. The red cracks began spreading up his face at a frightening pace. Apparently Chevalier's blood wouldn't help the Schiff and their problems. Karman noticed this and so grabbed the sword from Haji's abused body, approaching Saya with a glint in his eye.

"Die!" Saya watched in horror as he raised the sword above his head, poised to strike her down. Suddenly Karman's eyes widened, and he froze. "Oh. My. GOD."

"…What?" The Schiff asked.

"I forgot to tape Lost!" Karman gasped. "We're _missing_ it!"

"_WHAT_?!" The Schiff roared. Karman instantly dropped the sword, and dashed away with his comrades into the forest. 

"Stupid, how could you forget?!" Moses barked.

"Shut up! _You_ set the timer next time!"

Saya, her near-death experience too much for her delicate female senses, fainted to the ground, unconscious. 

"Saya!" Haji called to her. "Are you all- _holycrapIcanseeupyourskirt_!!" 

-With the Schiff-

The Schiff watched soberly as their beloved friend, Guy, choosing his own way to pass on, lay prostrate atop one of the graves in the graveyard from before. The morning sun burst over the horizon, setting his body alight with green flames. Well…at least he got to die peacefully, the way he wanted to.

"_Aiiiiiiiieeeeeee_! The _paaaaaaain_! Why, God, why?! Why didn't I just let the Thorn kill me?! _Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuughh_!!"

The Schiff held a moment of silence for their fallen friend. It didn't last long.

"I get his cool knife-thingies!"

"No fair! _I_ want them! You get _everything_, Moses! Tell him to share, Irene!"

"We better get Saya's blood soon," Irene sighed, "or we're _so_ not gonna make it."

-Episode 21 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew, done. It turned out alright, I guess. Thanks again to all my reviewers for the crazy amount of…reviews. Hopefully you all liked this one, too! Well, have fun! Review, please!


	22. Episode 22: The Zoo

Author's Note: Hey, I'm nearing the halfway point, aren't I? _Finally_! Anyways, I had fun with this chapter, probably because there was so much 'Saji', or 'Haya', whichever you prefer. Well, read and enjoy! And don't forget to review, please! Bye!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 22

The Zoo

In the beginning, there was fog. Nothing but fog, as far as the eye can see. Fog, fog…foggy fog. You get the idea - there was a whole lotta fog.

And Haji and Saya couldn't see a damn thing.

"I _love_ fog," Haji stated matter-of-factly, proving his point by reaching over and pinching Saya's tuckis.

"_Hey_!" She yelped, jumping in surprise. "Something just touched my butt! What was it?!" She whirled around in all directions, but couldn't see anything due to the fog.

"I have _no_ idea," Haji replied innocently. "I was over here the whole time." Suddenly he brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea! We'll use echolocation to find our way around!" He took a deep breath and cupped his hands around his mouth. "BOOTY!"

"_Ooty…ooty…ooty…_" His cry echoed.

"I knew it was you!" Saya barked, giving Haji a resounding smack. Using _that_ echo (which was a good deal louder), they managed to finally find a large iron gate, most probably leading into this mysterious Zoo place Saya had been searching for.

Hey, wait. I just noticed something strange. Did they find a drycleaners along the way or something, because Haji's suit was _covered_ in blood in the last episode. Not to mention ripped the hell up! What is he, a seamstress?!

"I am, actually," Haji said pleasantly, grinning at the camera. "I'm quite skilled at it, too."

"Really?" Saya looked over at him, mildly interested. "That sounds- _oh my God what is THAT_?!" She ended as Haji pulled out a piece of cloth that had to be blurred due to the graphic image sown on it.

"_I_ made this!" Haji said proudly, holding it up. "See? That's you and me-"

Saya snatched the offending cloth away, whipped out a lighter, and burned it into oblivion. Then she stomped on the ashes, just to make sure.

"Hey! I made that with _love_ in every stitch!" Haji protested.

"In. Zoo. NOW." Saya ordered through clenched teeth. Haji wisely obeyed. As the two approached the gate, however, Saya began to lose her nerve, and paused before the iron doors, unsure.

Haji reached forward and gently placed a hand on the gate.

"Haji…" Saya said softly. Haji smiled. "…Are my arms broken?"

"…Um, no?"

"Then do like Ludacris and move, _bitch_, get out the _way_." Saya brushed past Haji and shoved the iron gate open by herself.

-Back on the Red Shield Boat-Place-

"Everyone tested negative," Julia declared, smiling at the others gathered around her. David, Riku, and Louis hugged each other and cheered.

"You mean I _don't_ have AIDS?" A voice piped up in the back.

"Shut up, Kai!" Julia hurled the chart at his head and glared. "It means we're all human, and not chevalier! We can finally leave this quarantine hell-hole! And FYI, _you_ tested positive for stupid."

"Oh, yeah, well…" Kai thought hard for a proper insult. "_You_ tested positive for bi-" David gave him a dangerous look. "-_eauuuutiful_." Kai finished. "So…where's Saya now?"

"She's apparently headed for 'The Zoo'." Louis informed. "She-"

"The _zoo_?!" Kai interrupted. "No fair! I _love_ the zoo! One time, we went with our perverted whore dad-"

"Oh God." Riku covered his face in embarrassment.

"-and some monkeys threw their crap at Riku! Oh, oh! And then, we saw this elephant, and he had the _biggest_-"

"We're taking that along," David stated firmly, gesturing at Kai's big plastic ball. The others nodded their heads in agreement.

"I was gonna say _ears_! Get your minds out of the gutter!"

Elsewhere on the ship, Joel stared quietly at a thick diary and pocket-watch, deep in thought.

"What could he have meant about my _legs_?" He whispered softly to himself. "Oh, well! Time to go play kickball, and then some high-kicking in a chorus line! _Whee_!"

…The poor, poor man.

-Back With Saya and Haji-

Saya and Haji strode around in the ruin-filled Zoo, gazing at the crumbled columns and overgrown plants. The place was in horrible disrepair, but Saya couldn't help but feel a certain…_something_ from this place. It felt like…like…

"Like you remembering your past?" Haji suggested.

"No!" Saya shook her head. "Like I _really_ gotta take a _dump_!" She hopped around, holding her fanny. "_Oooh_! I gotta _go_! Where's the john in this place?"

"Just use the bushes!"

"No, that's gross," Saya protested. "Plus you'll peek."

"Oh, I would _not_!" Haji sniffed. "That would be sick!" He paused. "_And_ strangely sexy."

"Yeah, whatever," Saya sighed. "I'll just hold it until the end of this flashback."

"What flash- _Gwaaaaaaagh_!" Haji was bowled over as the flashback suddenly appeared and took over.

_Now it's Time for a Flashback of Saya's Past_!

"What's this?" Saya (dressed in a lovely frilly dress and with long, straight hair) asked disdainfully, staring down at the small black-haired boy standing before her.

"This is Haji," an old man with grey hair and a moustache introduced, patting Haji's shoulder. "He'll be your friend from now on."

"Um…hi," Saya said uncertainly, holding her hand out to the boy.

"What's up, hot stuff?" Haji asked, taking her hand and making out with it.

"…I think this might be a problem," Saya grumbled, retrieving her violated appendage and wiping it on her dress. She looked at the old man beside her and burst out laughing. "Wow, Joel! You look even more like the Monopoly Guy than that dude from before! Er…I mean later? No…earlier? Damn, this time-traveling crap is _confusing_!"

-Later-

"What the hell is _that_?!" Saya spat in disgust, standing in her room and glaring at the offending plant cradled in Haji's small arms. "That's poison ivy! I asked you to get me a _rose_! My God, are you even _using_ your brain? Go back and get it right this time!"

Haji didn't move.

"What are you waiting for?" Saya snapped. "GO!"

"…You're a _bitch_." Haji said firmly.

"Say _what_?!" Saya sputtered. "How dare you speak to me that way!"

"…But I'd still _bleep_ ya."

"Okay, _that's_ it. _Joeeeeeeeel_!" Saya marched out of her room and down the hall to Joel's study, where he sat reading in his favorite armchair. "Joel, what the hell is wrong with that kid?! He, like, twelve, and a total pervert! Where did you get him, the sex-slave market?!"

"Come now, Saya," Amshel (?!) said, stepping out of the shadows. "Just be nice to him, and I'm sure-"

"_Auuuuugh_! Gender-bender! DIE!" Saya snatched up the fire-poker next to the hearth and charged Amshel with it.

"No, no, no!" Amshel squealed, holding up his arms in fright. "You're not supposed to know I'm evil yet! This is a flashback, _remember_?!"

"…Oh. Alright." Saya halted in her charge and dropped the poker. "But I'm _watching_ you." Keeping her eyes glued to Amshel, she slowly backed out of the study.

Later that night, Saya sat on her bed with Joel, giggling as she was allowed to brush his thin white hair.

"How can I get along better with Haji?" She asked between brushstrokes.

"Well," Joel suggested. "How about teaching him to play-"

"The electric guitar?!" Saya finished hopefully.

"Um…perhaps the _cello_ would be more suitable?"

"Awww, you're no fun." Saya sighed. Joel smiled and patted her head.

"Good girl. Sweet dreams!" He got up and started for the door.

"Wait!" Joel blinked and sat back down on her bed. "Can I…brush your moustache?"

"Oh…okay, just this once," Joel sighed, leaning forward. Saya giggled with glee.

-The Next Day-

_Squeeeeeeeeak! Dweeeeeeeek! Shrieeeeeeeek_!

"Oh, that's _horrible_!" Saya gagged. "You call that _music_? I've heard better sounds from two cats _mating_! Why don't you just do yourself a favor and give _up_?!"

"…Saya?" Haji interrupted politely.

"Yes?"

"_You're_ the one playing right now."

"Oh. Right." Saya blinked, looking down at the cello in her lap. "Here, you try it now!" She handed Haji the instrument and bow and settled back to watch. Haji sighed and began.

It was like he was Yo-Yo Ma's illegitimate love child.

…That…that means he was _good_. At the cello. Quite disturbingly so.

"Okay, _that's_ not _bleep_ing fair," Saya stated, a bit miffed at Haji's natural talent and her own suckage. "I hate you! Go back to where you came from!" Haji immediately stopped playing and stared at her, tears in his eyes. "What? What'd I say?"

"You don't get it, do you?" Haji sniffled. "You people _bought_ me!"

"You mean you're…a _gigolo_?!" Saya gasped in horror.

"NO! I'm a man-slave!"

"…What's the difference?" Saya asked with a shrug. Suddenly feeling sorry for the little tyke, she marched up to him and gave him a big hug, which mostly consisted of squashing his face against her bosom. "There, you feel better now?"

"…Lil' bit," Haji mumbled. Hmm…you can see where his perverted obsession began, eh? Nice goin', Saya!

-A Few Weeks Later-

Saya, busy with tending a flowerbed, sat on the sunny lawn of the estate while Haji relaxed in the grass a short distance away. He blinked as several sheep ambled over to him and began nudging him into petting them.

"Aww, sheepy!" Haji smiled, sitting up and patting their heads. "Saya, look! Come see them!"

Saya stood up and took a step forward. Immediately the animals freaked, chomping Haji's unprotected arms and giving him good, solid kicks on the backside.

"Ow! Ow! Stay away! Stay away!"

"…Sorry," Saya apologized sheepishly (ah-HA). "Animals just don't seem to like me."

"Then why're they taking it out on _me_?!"

The two companions quickly went looking for shelter as a sudden rainstorm brewed up, and were able to wait out the rest of the storm in a comfortable barn filled with hay.

"Um…Haji?" Saya coughed uncomfortably, having removed her dress and clad in nothing but her revealing shift (is that what it's called?). "You didn't have to take off your boxers, too. They were perfectly dry."

"Yeah, I know," Haji replied matter-of-factly. "I just didn't want to take any chances." He paused. "Although I _am_ somewhat regretting my decision, as this harsh straw is wreaking havoc on my precious nether-regions."

"Okay, can we do another time-skip, please?" Saya called out. "This is getting _weeeeird_!"

-A Few Weeks Later, Again-

Saya fenced efficiently with a middle-aged man, sword twirling and shining in the sun. Haji stood as a spectator nearby, holding a tray with cool drinks for the fighters. Saya was doing well in the duel, until the man caught her off guard and jumped forward to make a finishing blow. Luckily Saya was smart enough to quickly open her shirt and distract him with a peek at her chest, then kick him in the balls to finish him off.

"Hooray, I win!" She cheered, throwing up her arms in triumph. "I'm awesome!"

"_Whoooo_!" Haji joined in from the sidelines, clapping enthusiastically. "Flash your tits again, Saya! _Whooo_!" Saya stared at him blankly, then leveled her rapier at him and charged. "Oh, shi-" Haji dropped the tray and dashed for the mansion. "_Joeeeeeel_!!"

-Several _Years_ Later-

A grown up Haji (as grown up as he normally is, anyway) sat in Saya's room, an electric guitar strapped around his chest and hands dancing along the strings. Magical sounds issued from the huge speakers behind him as he-

"Get back to the _cello_!" Joel hollered up the stairs.

"Party-pooper!" Saya huffed, sitting at the nearby keyboard. "I don't _wanna_ do the cello, Haji is already so much _better_ than me!" She sighed as she sat down with the cello balanced on her knee.

"Oh, come on, Saya," Haji began. "You're not _that_ ba-"

_Kiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeeeeee_!

"See?" Saya muttered, pulling the bow away from the abused strings. "I _do_ suck! I hate this stupid thing- OW!" Suddenly one of the strings snapped and cut Saya's finger.

"Saya! Are you all-" The words died in Haji's mouth as he watched Saya's cut heal up faster than you can say '_Holyhellthat'sreallycreepy'_. "Holy hell, that's really creepy," Haji mumbled.

"Don't worry, it's okay," Saya assured, smiling up at him.

"Oh yeah? Well let's see how you do with _this_!" Haji cried, grabbing the cello and smashing it over Saya's head.

-A Few Minutes Later-

"Joel," Haji asked politely, standing in the elderly man's study and swathed in bandages from Saya's divine retribution, "what's with Saya? She hasn't aged a day all the years I've been here, and she heals from wounds instantly! Just what _is_ she, Joel?" He paused. "_Besides_ irresistibly sexy."

"Alright, you wanna know?" Joel sighed. Haji leaned forward intently. "Too bad, cause we don't." Haji slumped. "We have no clue what she could be, except that she's really _freaky_. Now get outta here, I gotta count my money!" So saying, he whipped out a top hat and monocle, placed them on his head, and began counting dollar bills. "One thousand…two thousand…do not pass-go! Do not collect two hundred dollars!"

Little did they know that Saya was at the door, listening in like a Russian spy.

-A Few Days Later-

Saya and Haji were now on a small boat, rowing across a good-sized pond on the estate. Saya fidgeted with her dress and finally looked up at Haji.

"Haji…" She asked quietly. "Do you think I'm…_creepy_?"

There was a pause.

"…I think you're _hot_."

"That doesn't count!" Saya snapped. "I mean, are you afraid of me?"

"If by 'afraid'," Haji inquired, "do you mean 'seriously want to sex you up'-"

"_Forget it_!" Saya exploded, jumping to her feet. "I'm _swimming_ back!" She leapt into the water and did just that.

-A Few Days Later…Again-

After their fight on the boat, Saya and Haji decided a picnic was what they needed, and so began to make ready to have one on the nearby cliffs. Haji staggered toward the daunting hills, dragging a huge cartload of food behind him. He stopped to catch his breath and glanced back on Saya, who was riding atop the cart's mountain of food.

"You're not _seriously_ gonna eat all of this, are you?" He gulped, wiping his brow. Saya laughed.

"Oh, of _course_ not, silly!" Haji breathed a sigh of relief. "These are just the appetizers! _That's_ the main course." She pointed behind them at a horse-drawn wagon loaded with even more edibles.

"…The horse?" Haji ventured.

"Shut up and haul!!"

After finally reaching the top of the cliffs and enjoying a peaceful meal on the grassy peaks, Saya wandered around until she came to the cliff's edge and looked over.

"Look, Haji!" She called, pointing. "Flowers!" Indeed there were. Lovely red lilies were sprouting from the sheer wall of the cliff. "Go get them for me!" Saya ordered.

"Okay, _you're_ crazy, ho." Haji stated bluntly. "I am NOT going down there."

"Fine, I'll do it myself!" Saya sniffed. "I don't have anything else to give Joel for his birthday, you know!"

"How about a freaking _card_?" Haji ground out.

"NO!" Saya stomped her foot. "It should be heartfelt and _mean_ something!" Pause. "Plus I'm cheap."

"Okay, wait," Haji sighed in defeat. "What's in it for _me_ if I agree?"

"Well…" Saya thought for a moment. "I'll let you touch my butt."

"SOLD!" Haji crowed, dashing to the cliff edge and flinging himself off.

"Wait, you forgot all this cool expensive climbing gear!" Saya called as he fell.

"_Hah_!" Haji scoffed, quickly scooting down the cliff wall. "I don't need any of that lame- AUUUUUUGH!" Suddenly his grip failed, but he luckily scrambled to a halt right next to the desired flowers. Gathering his courage, he reached out an arm to grab-

"No, not _that_ one!" Saya complained from above. "The other, further away and potentially more dangerous one, _duh_!"

"Oh, silly me," Haji tittered, then reached for the other flower. "I'd better get a good ass-grab for this! I'm talking doubled-handed full cheek-check- AWK!" Saya had hurled a small stone down the cliff and conked Haji on the forehead with it. He lost his grip and immediately plummeted the rest of the way down the cliff.

"…Oh, shit." Saya sat frozen at the top of the cliff. Moments later, she managed to reach Haji's side at the rocky bottom. "Hey, Haji! I was able to get down here so quick because a found the _cutest_ lil' trail that led to those flowers I wanted, then all the way down here! Cool, huh? Sure hope it doesn't come back to haunt me! (Reference to episode 10, crossing the pit part) Anyway, you okay?"

Haji didn't respond.

"Okay, don't talk my ear off," Saya huffed. "Damn! What do I do? Wait, I know! I'll give him some of my freaky blood! That'll fix him right up!" Finding Haji's pocket knife, she slit her palm and went to give Haji some of her blood. The only problem was the wound kept _healing_ before she could get some to him. "Damn healing abilities! Stop! Haji needs some o' you!" She was finally able to get a small handful and held it to Haji's face. "Here, drink up!"

"P…put it in…your mouth…" Haji gurgled weakly. "And then…_kiss_ me…"

"What? Hell no!" Saya snapped. "Why can't you just drink it like a normal person?!"

"What's that, gramma?" Haji said in a dreamy voice. "Follow the light?"

"Okay, okay!" Saya grudgingly obeyed, placing the blood in her mouth, then transferring it to Haji in a way we are all quite familiar with (think the first episode here). "_Bleeeech_!" Saya jerked back, wiping her mouth. "Well, his _tongue_ certainly isn't dead. And at least now this horrible trauma is over!"

Don't get ahead of yourself, sister. Just then Haji began to moan and thrash around in agony, making Saya close her eyes in horror until it stopped.

"Oh thank God it's ov-"

The thrashing began again. _And_ frothing at the mouth.

"Alright, enough already, I get it!" Saya hollered. "Rub it in my face, why don't you?! _Geez_! I'm going back to the mansion!" Gathering her skirts, she tossed her head and dashed back to Joel's mansion. Imagine her surprise to find it wreathed with flames, slain people laying here and there on the ground.

"Hey, who started the party without me?" Saya asked, the hurt clear in her voice. "That's just _rude_! Oh, and by the way, Haji's, like, dead or something over at the cliffs. _Totally_ not my fault. Anyone gonna help? Anyone?" No-one responded, because they were all dead. "You're all a bunch of _jerks_."

_Finally! Flashback's Oveeeer_!

"I can't believe it…" Saya whispered, sitting on the crumbled ruins of a wall, reminiscing about the past. "I'm the one who made you the way you are…"

"What, you mean the ageless, hot-ass sexy-man?" Haji asked.

"No! I mean your _perversity_!" Saya corrected. "Gawd, how can I _live_ with myself?! Oh, wait, more memories be comin'…"

Indeed, more did come. Saya suddenly remembered (in the same time period as the before flashback), her standing below one of the stone towers of the Zoo, a song being sung from up above.

"Excuse me!" Saya called up to the tower. "Could you, like, maybe, shut up? That song is _really_ getting on my nerves." She turned and flounced away.

"…Bitch." A voice muttered from the tower.

"No way! That was Diva, my sister!" Saya gasped, back in the present once again.

"Yes, your sister," a cool voice declared. Solomon stepped out from behind a nearby ruin and smiled at Saya. "You-"

"Okay, sorry to interrupt," Saya cut in, "but I _seriously_ need to find the can in this joint. NOW."

"Um, it's…that way." Solomon pointed off to the left. Saya quickly scrambled off in that direction, leaving Solomon and Haji to spend an uncomfortable silence together as they waited for her return.

"…_Soooo_…" Haji drawled after a few moments. "You wanna bang Saya, too?"

-Episode 22 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hooray, done! Well, that was fun. Hope you enjoyed it! Later! Review, please!


	23. Episode 23: The Two Chevaliers

Author's Note: Whee, newest one. This episode had a whole lotta talking and a whole lotta not much else, so it was a bit hard to make fun of, but I think I managed somehow. Plus there were some David-Kai moments, so…you know. Hope you like it! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 23

The Two Chevaliers

_Fluuuuuuuush_!

"_Ahhh_…" Saya sauntered out of the bathroom, feeling much relieved. After washing her hands in the sink labeled "Heroines must wash their hands before going back to killing!", she quickly found her way back to Solomon and Haji, who were in the middle of a heated discussion about what each would do to get to bang Saya.

"Oh, yeah? Well, _I_ would be willing to assassinate Hanna Montanna to get to sleep with Saya!" Haji declared proudly. "That's, like, worse than killing the _president_!"

"Oh, you think you bad, huh?" Solomon shot back. "Well, _I'd_ be willing to sell my soul to Satan, then double-cross him with Jesus if I could sleep with Saya! So _there_!"

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Saya asked, walking up.

"Nothing," Haji replied smartly.

"Banging you," Solomon replied idiotically.

Saya gave him a glare that frizzled his eyebrows off, then once again stood at Haji's side and looked up at Solomon on the steps.

"Alright, I'm ready now," she told him. "You can start talking or- oh, by the way, heads up; you guys're outta toilet paper, and the john might be plugged."

"As I was _saying_," Solomon began.

"Good _Lord_, what did you _eat_?" Haji asked Saya curiously.

"What _don't_ I eat?" Saya shot back. "Mind yo' business, boy."

"Can…can I continue, please?" Solomon cut in, coughing. Saya and Haji rolled their eyes, but nodded. "Okay then. Saya, as I was saying before I was interrupted last episode…you could say that you are our mother, _and_ our lover-"

"Okay," Saya interrupted again, "_that's_ called incest."

"But I'm still _bleep_able, right?" Haji pitched in.

"Haji, _seriously_, shut the _bleep_ up."

"Yeah, well…" Solomon stuttered for an answer. "Um…you're very pretty today."

"…Really?" Saya blushed modestly and gazed up at Solomon with a warm expression. Haji quickly became jealous.

"_Oopsies_! I dropped my cello case!" He declared, violently chucking his case to the ground and bending over to retrieve it. Saya didn't even give his upraised booty a glance. "It sure is _hot_ in here!" Haji tried again, unbuttoning his shirt halfway. Still nothing. Time for some drastic measures. "…I have a Reeses."

"_Damn_, Haji, why didn't you say so before?! _Gimme_!" Saya immediately leapt on him, searching his pockets for the promised candy bar. Haji smiled smugly at Solomon, who frowned.

"Who needs candy, when you can learn about your past?" He scoffed, starting down the stairs. "Saya, I can tell you things that will- _EEEEEK_!" Having not noticed the 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign on the steps, Solomon slipped and tumbled the rest of the way down. Haji laughed cruelly, while Saya was too busy chowing down on the Reeses to either notice or care.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere on the premises ('premises' meaning the Zoo), bats chattered and flew around in the noon sky, cheeping and twittering and all that stuff that bats do. Below them, Louis ran around in circles, screaming his lungs out and slapping at his head in panic.

"_Eeek_! I hate bats! They're in my hair!" He squealed between slaps. "They're in my HAIR!"

"LOUIS!!" David roared. Louis froze mid-slap. "You don't HAVE hair."

"Oh. Right." Louis relaxed and lowered his arms. "Just like how _you_ don't have a stomach!"

"Yes, that's exactly- HEY!" David snapped, offended. "I do to! It's right…_here_." He pointed to his left foot.

"No," Louis said.

"…Here?" David pointed at his right shoulder.

"No," Louis repeated.

"…Here?" David pointed at his crotch.

"Checkmate, bitch," Louis told him firmly. "I win."

"Can we _please_ keep on track, you guys?" Riku whined, leaning against the nearby car they'd arrived in. "I wanna get to the best episodes of the series! The ones that are about ME!"

"Yeah, yeah, be patient, kid!" Louis grumbled, rifling into his pockets and pulling out a small gizmo. "Looky here. We managed to take a picture of Saya from a satellite."

"SO?" David pressed.

"S…so…you can…see down her shirt?"

"We don't have _time_ for this!" David growled. "Just save the picture and let's go find her!"

"_Eesh_, what are you, Haji's _father_?" Louis muttered softly, replacing the gizmo.

"…That was low, man," David told him, hurt in his eyes. "REAL low."

"You're right, I'm sorry."

"Can you guys let me out now?" Kai asked from inside the car. "It's getting hot in here and I'm _pretty_ sure what I'm smelling _isn't_ my own gas."

"No!" David snapped at him. "This is punishment for popping your plastic ball!"

"But it was _mine_ to pop!" Kai argued back.

"_No it wasn't!_" David exploded. "It was _all_ of ours so we could stay sane around _you_! I will keep you there until the end of time if I have to!"

"We need his help to find Saya," Louis stated.

"I will keep you there until right now!" David corrected, yanking open the door. "Get the _hell_ out!"

-Back on the Red-Shield Ship-

"Sir," Collins (the skinny man who looks like David's father, remember?) reported to Joel, who was sitting at his desk in his office, "your kick-boxing class has been moved from two to three-thirty, and your leg-waxing appointment has been scheduled for Thursday. By the way, shouldn't we be worried about David and the others?"

"Oh, they'll be _fine_!" Joel assured him, propping a leg up onto his desk. "Now tell me, how do my legs look in these pantyhose?"

Collins stared.

"…_Not_ shriveled and useless?"

"_Thanks_!" Joel beamed at him.

"Freakin' idiot…" Collins muttered, donning a hat and departing as Joel began posing himself and his legs off in front of a mirror.

-Back at the Zoo-

Solomon reeled back, clutching his stomach in agony. The front of his shirt was covered in a red, viscous liquid that stained his lovely white suit crimson. Haji stood before him, smiling grimly at his handiwork.

"Oh, how could you, Haji?!" Saya cried, horrified at what her man-slave had just done.

"You…_bastard_!" Solomon hissed out through gritted teeth, glaring daggers at Haji. "This'll _never_ come out! It's red wine! RED wine!" He straightened and looked down at his shirt sadly. "And I just got it on sale from TJ Max! Fifty-percent discount!"

"Hey, he's lucky that's not _urine_," Haji sniffed, slowly lowering the glass of wine he'd hurled at Solomon. "And that's what he gets, makin' eyes at my lay-day!"

"That was just mean!" Saya scolded, pushing past him. "Here, I've got a Tide bleach pen! I keep it handy for when I'm done killing chiropterans!" She rushed up to Solomon and began squeaking the small pen against the huge, red stain.

"Why, thank you!" Solomon smiled. "How sweet. Look, it's starting to come out a little! Oh, and by the way, I'm Diva's chevalier."

"Oh, really?" Saya said blankly, intent on removing the stain. "That's niiiii_aaaaaaaugh_!!" She leapt away from Solomon in a flurry, mind suddenly processing what he'd just uttered. "You…and Diva?! You're her _chevalier?_! You mean like me and Haji?!"

"I bet HE gets more booty than me!" Haji hollered.

"Oh, please," Solomon rolled his eyes. "What you need is a real man, Saya, a-"

_BAM_!

Haji, having had enough of the Saya-Solomon hints, shoved his mistress to the ground and SAT on her, barking all the while at Solomon like a rabid dog protecting his bone (I don't have to explain that one, do I?).

"Haji," Saya ground out from under him, "now is NOT the time to get territorial!"

"But you're my bitch!" Haji protested.

The world went silent.

"…I…I didn't mean it _that_ way," Haji whispered, fear in his voice. "See, it's alright when I said it like that because by 'bitch', I meant female-"

"It's NEVER alright for you to say it!!" Saya barked, shoving him off her and givin' his ass a beating. "Now stop being possessive! I wanna hear what he has to say!"

"But!" Haji clung to her ankles, whimpering pitiably.

"Haji, off!" Saya ordered firmly.

"_Buuuuuh-_!" Haji still wouldn't let go.

"HAJI!!" Saya exploded, "Back the _bleep_ off or I will MAKE you a woman!"

Haji quickly released her and scuttled away backwards.

"Alright, let's go, darling!" Solomon sang, grabbing Saya and tossing her over his shoulder. He then spun on his heel and went skipping away into another part of the Zoo, Haji forlornly watching them go.

"It's just not _fair_!" He sniffled. "No-one _understands_ me!" He turned the opposite way and ran off, sobbing at the top of his lungs.

Aaaaand no-one wants to.

-With Saya and Solomon-

Saya and Solomon didn't go too far, stopping at a small stone bridge with a sparkling brook beneath. Saya forced Solomon to put her down, then began grilling him.

"How'd you know we'd be here?" She asked suspiciously. Solomon grinned.

"Cuz I can smell sex-_ay_!" He winked at her. She stood there, waiting. "Just kidding. My big brother told you. You met him in Siberia, remember?"

"Bro…ther?" Saya scrunched up her face in effort, then suddenly remembered Liza and her strange manly voice. "Wha the- I _knew_ she was a guy!" Solomon was staring at her blankly. "Oh, sorry. So…why did you come here, anyway?"

"To stop this stupid fight between you and Diva!" Solomon sighed heavily. "On an off-note, here's a secret for y'all. You and Diva were research subjects for Joel, an' that's why he kept you two here at the Zoo."

"Wha…I don't believe you!" Saya protested.

"How can you deny it?" Solomon pressed. Saya blinked.

"W…well…like this," she stated, then took a breath. "NO."

"Touché." Solomon raised an eyebrow, then took a step toward her. "But I'm your family, bound by blood! Forget about your fake family-"

"My family _isn't_ fake!" Saya cut in. "Just…stupid!"

"…Alright, stupid," Solomon shrugged. "But tell me! Would they accept you after watching you take blood? Or knowing that you spend several years awake, then sleep for thirty, in a cocoon?"

"Co…coon?" Saya gasped in shock. "You mean…I'm…a _butterfly_?!"

"Holy hell," Solomon sighed again and rubbed his temples. "I'm gonna need some aspirin before we continue."

-Elsewhere in the Zoo-

Kai dashed around in a panic, looking high and low for any sign of Saya. Little did he know he was traveling in a circle, but let's just let him think he's accomplishing something for his sake, okay? He sure needs it.

"_Sayaaa_!" Kai hollered, coming to a halt and catching his breath. An idea suddenly formed in his cob-webbed mind. "Saya's a fat-ass!" He yelled, then closed his eyes and flinched for the coming retribution. When no punishment came, he slowly cracked open an eye, looked around, and relaxed. "Hmm! Guess she's not here!"

A sudden flashback of the Red-Shield boat ride came to him, of him and David having an argument (seriously, what else do they do?)

"Dude, how many times do I have to tell you?!" Kai growled at David, who stared back at him with equal dislike. "Leave the toilet seat DOWN after you're done in there! I almost fell in!"

"You…pee sitting _down_?" David made a disgusted face.

"Yeah, there somethin' _wrong_ with that?" Kai challenged, crossing his arms.

"Several things, actually," David commented, then reached into his pocket. "Oh, and by the way, here's a picture of Saya's mother." He held up a picture of the most hideous, dried up creature on the face of the planet. Kai gagged in horror.

"Dude, what the FU-"

-Quick! Back to Solomon and Saya!-

"Wow…so Diva and I share the same blood, huh?" Saya sighed, leaning against the bridge's railing. "That's heavy, man."

"Yes, it certainly is," Solomon agreed, then waited a few moments. "Wanna make out?"

"For the last time, _NO_!"

-Elsewhere in the Zoo…_Again_-

Haji clung to the side of the cliff wall like a fungus, slowly inching his way up hand over hand. Finally he reached his desired goal – a small clump of red lilies sprouting for the rocky wall. Hmm…where have we heard this before? Oh, yeah. The last episode, duh. Anyway, he reached out and grabbed a flower, smiling triumphantly at his…well, triumph.

"Hah! See, Saya?" He cried to no-one in particular. "I _can_ do it! In your face!"

_Splat_!

A bird suddenly couldn't hold it for any longer and so dropped its stinking load onto Haji's head, making him lose his grip and go tumbling down the cliff…again.

"Curse you, devil-biiiiiird!"

Also in the wilderness of the Zoo, Riku trudged around in the thick woods, searching for Saya like everyone else. He came across a huge, steaming pile of feces and blinked.

"I _really_ hope that's not Saya's…" he muttered, pinching his nostrils closed. "_Or_ Kai's." Spotting a few creepy-looking crows sitting in the branches above his head, he turned to address them. "Hey, crows! Help me look for Saya, would you?"

The crowd didn't move.

Riku's eyes glowed red.

Immediately the birds took to the air, following their evil master's sinister orders with perfect obedience.

-_Aaaaaaand_ Back to Solomon and Saya Again-

Solomon and Saya, now back at the Zoo ruins and in a Parthenon-like room, squared off, ready for the final debate. On your mark…get set…fight!

_Ding-ding_!

"Don't you remember the ball?" Solomon asked sweetly. "Your bagels were so beautiful that night! Come on now, why don't you join us? We could be…" He paused dramatically. "…_Sayamon_."

"Eugh…." Saya winced. "Sounds too much like a Digimon. And besides, I like my 'Saji' way better."

"But…but…" Solomon protested weakly, "Solaya doesn't sound _nearly_ as good as the first!"

"I said I'm not joining you _bleep_ers!!" Saya exploded, fed up with Solomon's constant horny offers and doubt-ridden questions. "Leave me alone!"

"Just forget about your fake family-"

"We've been over this before," Saya cut in wearily. "They aren't fake, just stupid. My man-whore father…my stupid brother Kai…and annoying lil' Riku…I _hated_ them all! But don't you _see_? That's what families are all _about_!"

Solomon stared at her in awe.

"…_Man_. You guys are _bleep_ed _up_. Ever try counseling?"

"Oh, hundreds of times," Saya stated matter-of-factly. "But all the therapists ended up shooting themselves in the head. Weird, huh?"

"…No, not really." Solomon coughed nervously, then began circling around Saya like a hungry coyote, all the while bombarding her with questions as she swiveled around to follow his gaze. "Think, Saya! You're not human! So why did humans make you fight? Aren't they just using you? Isn't it a mistake that you lived with humans? _What color are my underpants?!_"

"STOP IT!" Saya cried, cowering away. "Seriously, stop! I'm getting dizzy! _Uuueh_! I think I might puke! _Uuuurgh_!" She doubled over, clutching her stomach as the room spun around her.

"Quick! Put your head between your legs! Take deeps breaths!" Solomon told her. Saya obeyed.

"It's not helping!"

"Hmm…perhaps if you put your head between _my_-"

"That won't help either!!"

-Elsewhere in the Zoo-

David jogged through the ruined Zoo, wondering if he really _was_ a human skeleton and if he should put on a few pounds just to get all the assholes off his back.

"Speak of the devil," he muttered, catching sight of Kai standing stone-still like the idiot he was. "Kai! Quit having a brain-fart and help find Saya! _Now_!"

"…David?" Kai asked quietly, looking over at him.

"WHAT?!"

"…Your fly is unzipped."

"Huh? Oh." David glanced down and blushed. "You scared me! For a moment there I thought you were gonna say something meaningful about Saya or the story!"

"Yeah, me too!" Kai laughed. "Later, Jack Skellington!" He turned and skipped off toward the forest.

"Stupid brat…" David muttered, zipping his pants closed. "And remember to _conserve_ your ammo!" He called after the boy.

"Yeah, yeah!" Kai yelled over his shoulder. "I gotcha!" He caught sight of some birds wheeling around in the sky above and gasped in delight. "Die, birds!"

_Blam! Blam!_

"KAI!!" David roared. "I swear to the skinny gods I will shoot you in the _ass_!"

In the end David decided to just screw everyone and stay skinny.

-Back With Saya-

"My brothers want to kill you," Solomon said out of the blue. "But I don't want you dead, because then we can't have se-"

Saya gave him a look.

"Er, I mean, have intelligent and meaningful conversations about politics and nature and whatnot!" He grinned cheesily. "So please…come…with _me_…" He held out his hand to her. Saya hesitated.

"I…" She said softly.

"She can't!!" A voice loudly interrupted. Solomon and Saya jumped in surprise, looking up to see that Haji had joined the party.

"And why not?" Solomon grumbled.

"Because," Haji stated matter-of-factly. "_You're_ gay."

"_What_?" Saya gasped.

"_What_?" Solomon gasped. "I most certainly am n-"

Haji kissed him.

"Wow," Saya drawled, watching Solomon struggle to get free, "_that's_ gay."

"_See_?!" Haji said triumphantly, shoving Solomon away and grinning at Saya. "He's gay, so don't go with him! I'm straight, I love vagina's, so stay with me!"

"Well, when you put it like that…" Saya looked thoughtful.

"Don't listen to him!" Solomon pleaded, scrubbing his mouth with his sleeve. "Kissing me proves nothing! I'm not gay, I swear!"

"Just admit that you liked it!" Haji shot back.

"I did not!" Solomon fumed. "It was sloppy, it was gross, you got bad breath, _yes I liked it!! Now die!!" _The two men leapt at one another, and the supreme battle began.

"Ow! Cheater!"

"Not the face, bastard!"

"No hair-pulling, girly-man!"

"Who you calling _girly_-man?! At least I _wash_ my hair!"

"Will you two idiots STOP IT?!" Saya yelled, following the scuffling pair outside.

-Elsewhere in the Zoo-

"Is Saya here?" David asked Louis, running up to him. Louis gave him a look.

"Hang on, lemme check." He stood quietly for several seconds. "Nope!"

"_Ueehhh_…we're never going to find her like this…" David grumbled, running a hand through his hair. "Let's regroup and think of a better plan. Where are Kai and Riku?"

"Let's see where they are, using the APS!" Louis said, taking out a strange-looking gadget and holding it up to the camera, grinning. "Only 19.95!"

"…APS?" David asked dubiously.

"Yes, Annoying Person Searcher," Louis explained. "A. P. S. Get it?"

"But…that can be used to find _us,_ too," David pointed out.

"Yeah, but for us, the A stands for _awesome_."

"Oh. Okay, then."

Somewhere in the many ruins of the Zoo, a voice began to sing, the haunting tune emanating from a lone rock tower with small windows. Riku stood at the bottom on the tower, staring up at it and panting for breath. Damn! That was fast! He was, like, ten miles away from that place last time we saw him! How the hell did you _do_ that, kid?

"Certainly not because I used my evil genius powers!" Riku said sweetly. He then twirled on his heel and began skipping up the steps of the tower, totally unaware of the danger above.

Saya, wherever the heck she was at the moment, suddenly got a 'real bad feeling' vibe and knew something was up. She quickly whirled around and ran back the way she came, heading for the very tower Riku was heading up at that exact moment. Uh-oh! Riku had reached the top, and nervously cracked the door open, peeking in.

"Um, hello? Is anyone here?" He paused. "No? Okay then, bye!" He turned and was about to dash back down when a hand reached from behind the door and dragged him in. Dun dun _dunnnn_!

Saya had reached the tower by this time (damn, she's got rocket-launchers for legs, too!) and was on her way up. She dashed down a rose-filled hallway and caught sight of a door at the end of the hall. Saya slammed it open and rolled in like a secret agent, expecting the worse, dread filling her chest, and looked up to see…

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO_!!" She screamed in horror, throwing herself backwards with her arms covering her face.

"Um…Saya?" Riku asked meekly. "What are you screaming for?"

"Eh?" Saya cracked an eye open and saw…

Riku and Diva…drinking tea.

"…Oh." Saya relaxed. "_Phew_! For a second there, I thought you were gonna die!"

"Oh, there's nothing to worry about!" Diva giggled, slurping her tea. Suddenly her eyes glowed a brilliant blue. "Now it's time for dessert!" She threw down her cup and saucer and leapt on Riku. Saya watched in horror, speechless, as her little brother was drained of his blood before her very eyes.

"Can…can I do it now?" She asked after a moment.

"Yesh," Diva mumbled, teeth still in Riku's throat.

"Okay." Saya took a deep breath. "_NOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!"

Dun dun DUUUUUNNNN!

-Episode 23 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whee, fun, fun. I guess this episode came out pretty average, huh? Not too good, not too bad. I'm a sick bastard for making fun of Joel's legs. And David's weight problem. And Haji's…_everything_. I'm goin' to hell. Oh, well. Hope you liked it! Bye! Review, please!


	24. Episode 24: Gentle Singing

Author's Note: Damn, this episode was a blast to write! It started out kinda slow and crappy, but then my mojo started warming up and I had lots of fun with the rest. I hope everyone likes my portrayal of Diva! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 24

Gentle Singing

_Crash! Clang! Slap!_

"Owchies!"

In the forested grounds of the Zoo, Haji and Solomon were still going at it. And by 'it', I mean tussling like two-year-olds over the last cookie in the pack. Seriously, you guys, it's painful to watch. Learn to fight. Go on the UFC or something, _really_.

_Crang_!!

The two men (boys, idiots, call them what you want) squared off, at a standstill with their weapons locked. They were obviously going nowhere fast.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Solomon gasped out between pants. "I've got an idea! Here's how we'll handle this!" He waited a moment, then smacked Haji's arm. "Tag, you're it!"

"Yay! I'm it!" Haji whooped, throwing up his arms in excitement. "I'm it! I'm it!" He took off after Solomon, who had dashed away into the woods. Following him to a craggy cliff, Haji leapt at the boy to tag him 'it'…and ran right into the cliff wall.

"Oh, hey, that wasn't so ba-"

The cliff crumbled and fell on him.

"Alright, now _that_ one hurt a little."

"I win!" Solomon smirked in triumph, then sauntered up to the blood-covered piles of rocks to gloat. "Ooooh, my shoelace is untied!" He said innocently, lifting a leg and placing it atop the pile. Haji moaned in agony from underneath. "Ooooh, my _other_ shoelace is untied!" Haji groaned in pain as Solomon put his other leg onto the pile. "Oooh, _both_ my shoelaces are untied!"

_"Screw you, girly man!!"_

-Back to Saya-

"-_Ooooooooooooooo_!!" Saya finished wrapping up her long, drawn out 'no' from the last episode and gasped for breath, coughing and beating at her air-hungry chest.

"Damn." Diva raised an eyebrow, impressed. "You've got a set of lungs, there! Remind me to rip 'em outta you later." She cleared her throat. "Now here's the _correct_ way to do it!" She opened her mouth, and a voice like a 500-pound Viking opera singer issued forth, reverberating throughout the room and all over the Zoo.

"Oh, come ON!" Saya scoffed. "How the _hell_ can you have a voice like that, really? You're a 90-pound Japanese girl! Here, I'll prove it!" She stepped forward and yanked a 500-pound Viking opera singer out from behind Diva. "See?! I _knew_ you were lip-synching! She was behind you the whole time!"

"Er…" Diva hurriedly shoved the 500-pound Viking opera singer out of the tower via the nearest window (don't ask me how she fit). "I have _no_ idea what you're talking about." She said innocently, then studied Saya. "You have the same face as mine, huh? I know! You're…Elizabeth Taylor?"

"No, you stupid skank!" Saya growled. "I'm your sister! And I am _pissed_! You killed my father! Hoo-_daaaah_!" Here she finished her badly-dubbed line and karate-chopped the air with a loud cracking sound.

"…What?"

"Nothing," Saya blushed and lowered her arm. "I just always wanted to say that. Now put the Riku down! Put him _down_!"

"Awww, but we're having so much fun!" Diva giggled and began to cavort (that means dance, don't stop reading!) with Riku's lifeless corpse.

"Um, could you please not do that?" Saya asked politely. "It's both disrespectful _and_ quite disturbing."

"Aren't we a good dancing couple?" Diva asked, pirouetting as Riku's legs flopped uselessly around her. "We should go on Dancing With the Stars!"

Saya got a sudden image of Diva and the still unconscious Riku standing before the show's panel of judges.

"You started out as McDreamy," Bruno Tonioli began in his usual gibberish, "but then turned into McStiffy."

"…_What?!_" Everyone on the show asked in confusion.

"…It…it means you sucked." Bruno explained.

"Oh." Diva blinked. "Then _die_!" She flung Riku's body at him and went on to set the studio on fire.

"Yeah…that might not be such a good idea," Saya coughed, bringing everyone back to the present. "Anyway…you crazy bitch! Who the hell was the _idiot_ who let you out in the first place?!"

"It was _you_, Saya!" Diva laughed, trying to make Riku's body do a break-dance.

"Did…did I say idiot? I totally meant super awesome hot girl," Saya corrected sheepishly. Suddenly a flashback came crashing into her mind, of how and when she'd let the psycho Diva free.

Back in the years when she lived at the Zoo, Saya (back in the long-hair and dress attire) stared up at the same stone tower she's at in the present (trippy!), calling up to it.

"Wanna be my friend?" She asked. There was a pause, then a voice answered.

"How about your life-long nemesis who brings you untold misfortune and suffering?"

"Close enough!" Saya agreed cheerily. "So, what'll you do if I let you out?"

"I'll…sing for you?" Diva answered.

"Eh…you're not _that_ great," Saya frowned.

"…I'll give you candy."

"Hot damn! You're on!" Saya skipped up the steps of the tower and unlocked the door at the top so Diva could leave her prison. "There you go! Have fun outside!"

"_Sayaaaaa_!" A voice called from outside. "My penis is _loooonely_!"

"Bye, I gotta go kill Haji." Saya rushed down the steps and found Haji standing at the foot of the tower, his hair down and his normal (but still perverted) human self.

"What were you doing up there, Saya?" Haji asked, glancing up at the tower.

"Oh, nothing," Saya told him innocently. "Just letting free an unspeakable and merciless evil- er, I mean…powdering my nose. What were _you_ doing?"

"Makin' sure that these pants were just right for my rockin' _ASS_!" Haji stated, turning and flexing his gluteus maximus for her to see. "_BAM_!!"

"Alright, alright," Saya grabbed his arm. "Now let's go pick some flowers on the cliff and almost die!"

"Horray!" Haji cheered as the two skipped off toward the hills.

Later that same day (still in the past!), Saya stumbled back to Joel's mansion, tripping over her dress and panic plastered all over her face.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" She whispered frantically to herself, hurrying as best she could. "I can't believe this has happened! I can't believe it!" Finally reaching the mansion grounds, she stopped short and cupped her hands around her mouth to amplify her cry. "_HEEEEEEELP_! Emergency, people!" She screamed. "There's been an accident at the hills! We've…run out of DIP!!"

No-one moved to help her, because they were all dead.

"Well, don't everyone jump up at _once_!" Saya muttered, glaring at the prone bodies lying here and there. Suddenly she blinked. "Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just me?" She finally noticed that the surrounding mansion was a blazing bonfire, and several hot ashes had caught on her dress and also set it alight. "Yeah, it's me." Saya stated, then screeched like a banshee, throwing herself to the ground and rolling to extinguish herself. Smart girl! She got back on her feet, brushing ash off her dress and in a very bad mood.

"What the _hell_ is going on?! Why is the mansion on _fire_? Why is everyone _dead_?" She asked herself. "And who the HELL started the party _without_ me?!" Suddenly she squinted her eyes and made out a lone figure amongst the flames. It was a young girl, with long black hair, wearing a dress. It was…

"It was YOU!" Saya cried, suddenly back in the present. She jabbed a finger at Diva and glared accusingly. "How could you start that party without me, you witch?! I organized the whole thing, I invited everyone, I hired the band, and I made the _cutest_ invitations for it! I'll never forgive you! I know what I must do now! I must KILL you!"

"_Kill_ me?" Diva threw her head back and laughed creepily. "_How_?!"

"Like…like with a rock…or something…" Saya muttered quietly, staring at her feet. "Like…like with a stone…" There was an awkward silence between the two sisters. "I'll figure something out!!"

"How about that rusty nail right there?" Diva asked, gesturing toward the floor.

"I thought of it first!" Saya cried, grabbing the nail and leaping at her.

Just outside the room with the warring twins, Kai came barrel-assing up the stairs, gulping for breath and clutching a stitch in his side. He didn't let this stop him from gloating in David's face.

"_Ooooh_, I'm first to the top, baby!" Kai crowed, turning to watch David struggle up the last of the steps. "_LoooOOOOooooser_!"

"The only reason you made it up first is because you _tripped_ me!" David growled, halting next to Kai to catch his breath.

"So?"

"I tumbled down _eight_ flights of stairs!"

"So?"

"I got a _concussion_!"

"So?"

"…Yeah, forget it," David sighed and straightened. "Now let's go help Saya!" Kai ran forward eagerly down the rose-filled hall and kicked the door at the end open (most probably breaking his foot but he's too stupid to notice). Upon seeing what was inside, he screeched to a halt, his eyes bugging out of his head.

"Holy hell!" He whispered. "I'm seeing _double_!" His gaze went from one twin to the other, seeing Saya with her normal appearance, and another Saya with long hair and a purty dress on. "…Am I high?"

"No, just stupid," David grumbled, striding into the room. "Now let's just- sweet Jesus there's _two_ of them!" David glared at Kai. "Is your stupid catching? Anyway," he pointed at Saya. "YOU must be D-"

"Wrong one," Saya coughed.

"Oh, sorry." David pointed toward the other sister. "YOU must be Diva! Saya's sister!"

"Saya's _sister_?!" Kai gaped, staring. "She is effing HOT!"

"Shut up, Kai!" Saya snapped, blushing and knowing full well she and Diva looked exactly the same. Suddenly her idiot brother noticed a certain someone lying on the ground behind Diva and gasped.

"Riku!" Kai leapt past the crazy antagonist and knelt beside his little brother. "Riku? Hey, what's wrong? Wake up! Wake up, or I'll noogie you! Hey!" Riku lay there like the dead. "Damn, that usually works."

"Die, Diva!" David cried, whipping out his beloved gun and shooting Diva smack-dap in the chest. She gasped in shock, bending over backwards like a contortionist.

"And she's _flexible_, too!" Kai said dreamily, eyes sparkling. Saya was not amused.

"What the heck are you doing?!" She yelled at her sister.

"Yoga!" Diva laughed, straightening from her disturbing stretch. "It's good for your back!"

"Really?" David asked with sudden interest. "Because I've got this one spot on my back that just will NOT-" Diva seized him by the throat.

"Less talking, more dieing," she growled, looking him over. "Huh, I was gonna eat you, but on closer inspection, you're just skin and bones. _Gross_!" She shoved him backward into the wall with astounding force.

"Stick and stones…may break my bones…" David whispered, slowly sliding to the floor, "…and this hurts like _bleep_ing hell…"

"I don't think that's how it goes-" Saya began, but was plucked up and tossed out of the tower by Diva before she could finish.

Down at the bottom of the tower, Louis was just managing to push the 500-pound Viking opera singer off of him after she'd miraculously fallen from the sky.

"Okay, Viking lady!" He growled. "Number one, where did you come from? And number two, what're your digits, babe, so's I can phone ya?" He pulled out a pad of paper and began taking it down. "Hold on. 555…555- GWAAAGH!" He crashed back to the ground as now Saya landed on him. "…I hate Mondays."

"Sorry, Louis!" Saya cried, getting off him and stepping to the side. Immediately the ground beneath her crumbled and she fell down into the Zoo's sewage system. "I hate Mondays _toooooo_!" She called as she fell.

"Damn! Saya!" Louis looked up and came face-to-face with Diva, who'd just jumped down from the tower. She stared at him in awe.

"_Whoa_," she whispered. "I could live off you for _weeks_."

"Why, because I'm black?!" Louis growled.

"…I'm not goin' there." Diva turned and leapt down into the sewer after Saya.

"…_Hhhhhhate_ Mondays…" Louis grumbled to himself.

Diva landed down in the sewer, her feet sending ripples throughout the fetid water. Straightening, she cupped a hand around her mouth and called:

"Saya's got a fat _aaaaaaass_!!" The insult echoed off the narrow stone walls, traveling down deep into the sewer. The reply came several moments later.

"I do _noooooot_!"

Diva smiled evilly and set off in the direction the cry had come from.

-Back in the Tower-

Back up in the stone tower, Kai was still having no luck reviving his brother.

"Okay, _seriously_, Riku!" Kai ground out in a serious tone, "I'm done playing around! Wake up!" He held a lit match poised over a pile of oil-soaked I Love New York DVD's. "Don't make me do this, Riku! Just wake up!"

Riku still didn't respond.

"Fine! Have it your way!" Kai hurled the match onto the pile and watched it blaze hungrily, gobbling up the DVD's and God knows what else it had. "Are you happy now? I'm a _monster_!!" Kai wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed.

David lay on the ground nearby, playing possum in an attempt to avoid Kai's attention.

"_Just pretend to be dead and he'll leave…just pretend to be dead and he'll leave…" _he thought to himself, keeping absolutely still. "Maybe his sight is based on movement, like a T-Rex. I sure as hell hope so."

"David, DO something!"

"Aww, hell. And I'm out of bullets, too."

-Back in the Sewer-

Saya huddled against the cold stone wall of the sewer, hiding from Diva and her crazy psycho habits. She began inching away down the tunnel, careful not to make a sound.

"Okay," she whispered to herself, "This is easy. All I have to do is- ew, ew, EW! What the hell was _that_?! Something just ran over my foot! _Euuuuugh_!" She began moving faster, wanting nothing more than to escape this gross-ass place. She froze as child-like giggling reached her ears. "Will you STOP it with your helium laugh?!" Saya whirled on her heel and hollered behind her. "It's annoying and DAMN creepy!" She suddenly stopped and blinked several times. "Oh, shit."

"_Found youuuu_!" Diva's voice sang. Saya turned and ran like hell.

"I went that way! I went _that_ way!" She called over her shoulder, pointing to the left while she dashed right. Hopefully Diva would be stupid enough to believe her. Kai certainly would. Finding a door set in the narrow tunnel, Saya barged in and quickly shut the door behind. Looking up, she saw that she'd entered an old armory storage room, filled with ancient armor and swords, knives, weapons of every kind!

"What, no rocket launcher?!" Saya complained, looking over the array of weapons. "This is an _outrage_!" Despite her disappointment, she went to one of the large display cases and chose a shining claymore from the rack. Turning to her right, she began posing with the weapon in a full-length body mirror mounted on the wall.

"Oooh!" She murmured, striking a pose and holding the large sword up. "Eee! Ahhh! Nope, not this one." She tossed the sword over her shoulder and tried again, this time with a smaller, more japanesey-type blade. "Oooh! Mmmhmm! _MmmHMM_! This is the one for me! I like it!"

"It matches your eyes!" A voice complimented from behind, and Saya whirled around to find Solomon standing behind her, eyeing her appreciatively. Saya took action.

"_RAAAAAAAAAPE_!!" She leveled her new sword at him and charged. Solomon squealed in surprise and ducked under the blow.

"No, wait! Calm down!" He gasped. "I'm not gonna try to rape you!" Saya paused and regarded him with a wary eye. "Not yet, anyway."

"What?" Saya asked.

"What?" Solomon said innocently.

"What?" Diva joined in, having just magically appeared in the room.

"_Eeeeek_!" Saya stumbled backwards, her sword coming up once again. "Diva! Prepare to die!"

"Come on, you two!" Solomon pleaded, stepping between the warring sisters. "Kiss and make up!" He paused. "Preferably with your tongues."

"SHUT UP!!" Both girls shouted, causing Solomon to cringe away in fear.

"I was just joking!" He lied, disappointment clear on his face. "Anyway, Saya. Diva's sorry for what she did-"

"No I'm not," Diva interrupted.

"-And she's apologized to you-"

"No I haven't."

"-And she promises not to do it again-"

"No I don't."

"-So can't you just find it in your heart to _forgive_ her?" Solomon finished, looking pleadingly at Saya. She thought for several long moments, then finally opened her mouth.

"I'd do it again if I could!" Diva yelled shrilly, making Saya glare in fury. "Plus everyone knows that I'm the prettier twin! So _there_!"

"You whore! I'll _never_ forgive you!"

"Alright, you know what?" Solomon sighed heavily and pulled out some popcorn and a lawn-chair. "Have at it, bitches." He reclined on the chair and munched his snack. "Try and rip each others clothes off, mmkay? And get all sweaty."

Saya and Diva met each other's gaze.

"Just this once?" Diva asked.

"Yeah," Saya agreed. "And we never speak of it again." The girls nodded, then both leapt for Solomon.

"Awww, _mittens_."

-Several Moments Later, on the Upper Grounds of the Zoo-

_CRAAAASH_!

Several tons of earth and rock exploded upward as Solomon went flying to the sky, followed quickly by Saya and Diva, who jumped out of the rancid sewer tunnels and onto the green lawns of the Zoo. Upon reaching the ground, the truce between them broke, and they squared off, glaring at each other. Saya charged her sister, but before reaching her doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach.

"Gaaah! The pain!" She groaned, falling to the ground. "M-_menstrual_ cramps! I knew I shoulda taken some Midol!"

"Hey, _I'm_ on the rag, too!" Diva said excitedly. "We really _are_ twins!"

"_Diiiiidn't_ need to hear that…" Solomon grumbled, staggering to his feet as his massive injuries healed.

"Now I'm gonna kill you!" Diva declared, taking a step toward the vulnerable Saya.

"No, wait!" Solomon pleaded. "You can't kill her yet! Can…can I borrow her for, like…five minutes?"

"No." Diva said firmly.

"…Three?"

"No!"

"…Alright, _one_ minute, but that's the best I can do-"

"_I'm not letting you bang my sister so shut the hell up_!!" Diva exploded. Solomon assumed the fetal position and whimpered as Diva stepped forward and took Saya's sword from her. Grabbing her sister by the collar of her sweater, she hoisted her to her knees and held the sword inches from her neck. "Any last words?"

"Y…you…" Saya whispered weakly.

"Hmm? What's that?" Diva leaned in close so she could hear.

"You're _ruining_…my _turtle-_neck…"

"Just die already!" Diva pulled back the sword and went to stab Saya. Too bad for her a black comet came blasting across the green field they were on and body-slammed her into oblivion. The comet and Diva crashed to the ground a few feet away. Alright, who the hell could that be?

"_Sayaaaaaaaaa_!!"

Oh. It's Haji. Figures.

"Ohmigosh, Saya, I missed you so much!" Haji gushed, clutching Diva to him tightly and caressing her buttocks. "Where on earth _were_ you? I couldn't find-" Suddenly he froze, a scowl on his face. He very slowly and carefully squeezed Diva's rear several times. _"…This…ISN'T…Saya_."

"I'm over here, Haji." Saya said weakly, still lying on the ground.

"I _knew_ it wasn't you!" Haji flung Diva off of him and dashed to Saya's side, gently picking her up and glaring at his opponents. "Saya's ass is so much _firmer_!"

"Diva, let's leave," Soloman suggested, not wanting to spend anymore time around Haji then necessary. He was still a little freaked out by the whole kiss thing.

"Later, handsome!" Haji called mockingly, blowing him a kiss. Solomon grabbed Diva's arm and began dragging her away, blushing furiously.

"Shut the hell up!!"

Louis showed up on the scene several moments later, toting tons of firearms, including grenades, a gatling gun, and a rocket launcher. Saya glared at him.

"Oh! Oh NOW there's a rocket launcher, huh?!"

-Later, Back up in the Tower-

Back up in the stone tower, things weren't looking too good for poor Riku. Not only had his blood been drained by Diva, but also…

"Look what he made me DO!" Kai bawled, pointing at the blackened and charred remains of Riku's precious I Love New York DVD collection. Saya scowled.

"He's _unconscious_!" She pointed out.

"I _know_!" Kai sniffled. "Isn't he SICK?" Saya lost her patience and shoved him out of the way.

"Move! I'll give him some of my blood and he'll recover!"

"But wait!" David intervened. "If you do that, he'll become…like _Haji_!" He finished in a whisper. Kai's mouth fell open and his eyes bugged out.

"You mean a sex-obsessed pervert?! No, _don't_!" He threw himself on top of Riku and kicked Saya away. "I won't let you do it!"

"You idiot! He'll die if I don't!" Saya argued.

"It's better than him being like Haji!" Kai shot back.

"We don't know that for sure!" Saya exclaimed. "Haji was perverted even _before_ I gave him my blood, so maybe Riku won't change at all either!"

"I still say no!" Kai refused to be swayed.

"Bad news, guys," David told them in a serious tone. "You two argued so long over this that Riku already died."

"Wha…oh, crap!" Saya gasped in horror.

"Damn ourselves!" Kai cursed.

"Naaaaw, I'm just kiddin'!" David smiled. "You shoulda seen the looks on your faces, though! _Priceless_!"

Saya and Kai stared at him, murder in their eyes. Leaping up as one, they both grabbed one of David's arms and hurled him off the top of the tower. They leaned on the parapet and watched him descend.

"…Is he…_floating_?" Kai asked, looking mildly disturbed.

"Damn skinny bastard." Saya turned away from the edge and returned to Riku's side. Cutting her hand with some sharp implement, she once again placed her blood in her mouth, then transferred it into Riku's. Kai watched with a mixture of disgust and jealousy.

"Hey, Saya…" He said as she straightened and wiped her mouth. "I think _I_ might need some o' that blood, too."

"Wanna see if YOU can float?" Was all Saya said. Kai blinked.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Good. Now get ready to hold him down." Saya gestured to Riku.

"Hold him down? Why would we- _doooff_!!" Riku's foot suddenly shot up and clocked Kai on the chin. He stumbled back, clutching his jaw. "Riku you brat, what the hell was that for?! Eh? Riku?! What's wrong?!" Riku was gasping and choking, thrashing around just as Haji had done when he'd taken Saya's blood.

"Hurry! Hold him down!" Saya shouted at Kai, who sat there stupidly.

"I…I don't think I can!" He gulped. "I don't think I'm strong enough!"

"MOVE." Louis brushed past Kai and stood over Riku's thrashing form. Turning around, he then proceeded to sit down ON Riku, securely holding him in place. "_He's_ not goin' anywhere." Reaching into his shirt, he withdrew a bag of chips and began munching as he waited.

"W…will he be okay?" Kai asked worriedly, though about Louis sitting on him or Saya's blood, I can't really be sure.

"We can only base this on similar cases," Louis grunted, staring meaningfully at Haji.

"…Yeaaaah, he's _bleep_ed…" Kai sighed.

-Elsewhere in the Zoo-

"Amshel!" Diva squealed in delight, running across the small bridge she'd been waiting on to hug the bearded and eyelashed man. "I had a lot of fun today!"

"Amshel?" Solomon narrowed his eyes and regarded his brother. "Why did you bring Diva here?"

"She made me." Amshel shrugged, then glared right back at Solomon. "And why did _you_ come here, Solomon?"

"Well…" Solomon gulped. "K-Mart was having a blue-light special, so…you know."

"I sure hope you bought ME something," Amshel stated dangerously.

"Uhhhh…"

"Get to steppin', bitch."

-Episode 24 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Man, that was fun! Sure I went a lil' crazy with everyone, but it was still fun. My favorite part is Haji slowly realizing it's not Saya's butt he's groping. Hope you liked it! Later! Review, please!


	25. Episode 25: Red Shield

Author's Note: First and foremost: Awwww _yeah_! Halfway point, whoop, whoop! Twenty-five episodes, baby! I've finally reached it! And it only took me…how long? Twenty-five weeks, I think. That's…divided by four…six months in all? Am I right? Wow, half a year. And it'll probably take me another half-year to write the rest, eh? Well, wish me luck! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 25

Red Shield

Somewhere in the deep darkness of night, two figures were picking their way through a thick woodland, using flashlights to find the path. Why, it's Okamura and Mao! I'd almost forgotten they were _in_ this anime! The two were obviously searching the woods for something, but _what_?

Before the question could be answered, Okamura suddenly bolted from the path and dashed up to the camera, shoving his face in it and adopting a terrified expression whilst also shining his flashlight up from underneath.

"_Oh my god_!" He said in a horrified whisper. "_Oh my God I'm so scared! I don't know what's going on and_-"

"Stop doing that stupid Blair Witch and get _back_ here!" Mao snapped, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him away from the camera.

"Yeah, I think we _found_ her…" Okamura muttered darkly. Mao ignored him (making a mental note to kneecap him later for insolence), and instead withdrew a magnifying glass with which she studied the ground. "Okay, Nancy Drew," Okamura drawled sarcastically, "you find any clues?"

"Yeah," Mao shot right back, "they're up your _ass_."

"Oh, hardee har _har_," Okamura rolled his eyes. "You know we wouldn't be lost if you hadn't picked a fight with our Sue-Sue and smashed the hell out of it."

"…She called me fat." Mao stated matter-of-factly, eyes still on the ground.

"She said turn _left_!"

"Well it _sounded_ like an insult to me!" Mao huffed. Finally the two reached a small clearing/campsite and began inspecting it. "Hey, I'll bet Kai was here!" Mao dropped to her hands and knees and sniffed at the ground. "A-ha! I found his scent!"

"Frickin' bloodhound…" Okamura muttered.

"What'd you call me?!"

"I said- aw, hell. Who am I kidding?" Okamura glared at her. "You're a bitch! And I _don't_ mean in the dog fashion."

"Why you-!!" Mao grabbed hold of a huge tree-trunk to throw at Okamura's head but gasped in surprise, looking at her hand. It'd gotten covered in some strange red liquid from touching the tree. Wait, it was all over the campsite! Gross! "_Ewww_! What the hell _is_ this?!" Mao squealed with disgust.

"…Ketchup." Okamura soon discovered. "Why is there _ketchup_ everywhere?"

"I dunno." Mao sucked on her hand and looked around, bored. "Now what?"

"Well…" Okamura scratched his head. "We can check out that dark and creepy tower up on that hill over there." Mao simply nodded, and the two headed over. Once at the tower, they discovered even more puddles of red liquid splattered all over the ground and walls.

"Damn, what did these people _do_?" Mao whispered in horror. "Have a ketchup _orgy_?"

"Oh, this isn't ketchup," Okamura stated. "_This_ is blood."

"Oh." Mao blinked. "_AUUUUUUUUUGH_!!" She threw herself backwards, screaming like a banshee. Okamura winced in pain, then noticed something shiny on the green lawn.

"Hey, what's this?" He leaned over and plucked up the broken-off tip of a sharp implement. Mao came over and looked at it closely.

"I think it's a…" she began.

"Letter-opener?" Okamura finished.

"No, you idiot! It's a Japanese sword!" Mao smacked him.

-Meanwhile, on the Red Shield Boat-Place-

Riku lay in one of the hospital beds in the medical ward of the boat, an IV strapped to one arm and a breathing mask on his face. The poor boy was also dolled up with heavy makeup, a pig-tailed red wig, and a dress just like Dorothy's from the Wizard of Oz, topped off with red ruby slippers adorning his fee- wait, _what_?

"KAI!!" Everyone hollered, turning to glare at the guilty-faced boy.

"_Whaaat_?" He whined, flinching away. "Come on, I just wanted to see the look on his face when he woke up!" Before he could say any more, David stepped forward and handcuffed him to the nearby radiator.

"Aaaagh!" Kai gagged, leaning away from the hissing, steaming pipes. "It's hot! So hot! Third degree burns on my nutsack! This is cruel and unusual punishment, man!"

"This is cruel and _deserving_ punishment, so shut up," David told him. "Now you stay there and _think_ about what you did!" He turned to leave.

"You're just jealous I didn't do it to _you_!" Kai called after him.

"Am NOT!" David hollered back, voice thick with tears. Saya took this as her cue to get the eff out of there before things got (even more) awkward.

Later, Saya stood by the railing of the ship, sadly gazing out into the cold black waters of the ocean. Haji stood behind her, offering her his unyielding support.

"Wanna write emo poetry about your feelings and how life sucks?" He asked.

"_God_ no," Saya gave him a look over her shoulder. Haji shrugged.

"…Wanna do Titanic?" He asked, trying a different approach.

"No," Saya sighed. "I'm not in the mood…plus I don't know how to get to the front of this dumb boat."

"…Oh." Haji looked at his feet. "Actually, I was thinking of _another_ part of the Ti-"

"It's all my fault!" Saya sniffled. "Because of me, Riku will never be the same!"

"Well, let's look at the positive!" Haji suggested. "Maybe he'll be _less_ annoying!" Saya stared at him, eyes wide.

"…Quick, someone mortally wound Kai, then I'll give him some of my blood!"

"Um…" Haji coughed awkwardly. "I _really_ don't think that'd work…"

"Yeah, you're right…" Saya sighed and turned back to the railing. "Even _I_ don't have that much blood…"

"Sorry for interrupting your little 'moment', here," David cut in, suddenly appearing between the two, "but I need Saya to come with me."

"It was NOT a mo-"

"Don't care." David grabbed Saya's arm and hauled her off down the hall. Haji stared after them.

"What about _me_? Don't _I_ matter?" Haji sniffled back tears. "Fine, I'll write my _own_ emo poetry! …What rhymes with 'alone and horny'? Anyone?"

-In the Meeting Room-

Saya sat at a large, rectangular table in a dark room inhabited only by her, David, Louis, Collins, and Joel seated at the head. A serious hush had descended on the room as Joel looked at Collins and nodded.

"Collins, report!" He ordered.

"Yes, sir," Collins cleared his throat. "It seems that-"

"Wait!" Saya interrupted. "Can't I model off my adorable new outfit first?"

"N-" Collins began.

"Thanks!" Saya clambered onto the table and stood up, displaying her cute new uniform – a black top with a red bow, complete with a black skirt and knee socks. How much cuter can you _get_?! She strutted down the table like it was a catwalk as Louis whistled and threw dollar bills at her.

"Hey!" David snapped at him, dragging Saya back down to her seat. "_Underage_!"

"Not technically," Louis pointed out.

"Ju…just shut up!!" David gave Saya a look. "And what did I say about hoing in front of daddy, hmm? You are _grounded_, young lady!"

"Can I give my report now?" Collins growled. David looked at him closely for the first time and gasped.

"D…_daddy_?" He whispered in awe. It was true, Collins did indeed look like David's long-lost father – the skeletal frame, the ruffled light hair, the bags under the eyes! My GOD they look alike!

"We've been _over_ this before," Collins glared at David. "I'm NOT your damn father! Now anyway, since Saya gave that brat some of her blood, he's been unconscious and we couldn't be happier. We just don't know what'll happen to him, though. Or care."

"Is there a chance he'll go berserk when he wakes up?" Joel asked. Saya couldn't help but think of Riku's burnt I Love New York DVD's.

"God help us all…" She whispered to herself. "Or Kai, at least, because that was so not _my_ fault."

"Alright then, this meeting is adjourned." Joel smacked the tabletop with a small gavel. "I order both David and Joel to go and eat a mother-effing sandwich."

"Yes, sir!" Saya saluted happily.

"Not you, Saya," Joel coughed. "You're…just fine the way you are."

"…Did you just call me fat?" Saya asked, hurt in her voice.

"But sir!" Collins pleaded. "I'm not done-"

"Dude, _no_-one cares about your stupid Iceland report!" Joel rolled his eyes. "Now…" He got up from his chair and climbed onto the table. "Who wants to see how sexy my legs look in tights?"

"…I do." Louis stated. Joel was happy to oblige.

"I need a new job…" Collins muttered, making a beeline for the exit. As everyone also left the room, Joel hopped down from the table and grabbed David's arm.

"Come have a drink with me!" He invited. David blinked.

"Drink? What is that?"

"Oh come on, I'll show you." Joel led him off down the hall.

-In Joel's Office-

David now stood in Joel's office, which was rather small and tidy and filled with pictures of his legs (talk about obsessed!). Joel finished pouring David a drink and leaned back.

"So!" He began, sipping at his own glass, "How was the Zoo?"

"The Zoo?" David frowned. "Well, I especially enjoyed the giraffes and the-"

"The _other_ Zoo, David."

"Oh. Well, we almost _died_, Saya saw her evil twin sister, and Riku's completely messed up! You shoulda been there! It was great! We took pictures and stuff!"

"Um…I think I'm good." Joel wandered over to his large bookshelf and pulled out a large, worn tome which he flipped open. "This is my ancestor Joel's diary," he told David. "Let's read a passage! _Ahem_. 'David looked at me again today. Oh, when will this charade cease? When will he look at me, eyes filled with'…Wait a second, this is _mine_!" He quickly slammed the diary closed and shoved it back on the shelf.

"Wow!" David gushed. "You must _really_ admire me! I feel so honored!"

"Wow, Julia was right. You _are_ an idiot." Joel shook his head and sighed. "Anyway, those who inherit the house of Goldschmidt take the name Joel and become chief of Red Shield, even if their _true_ dream is…to be a leg model! _Gaah_!" Joel burst into tears and chugged down the rest of his drink, then looked at David. "You gonna drink that?"

"Well, I'll try," David shrugged and took a small sip. Immediately he crashed over backwards, passed out.

"Lightweight." Joel muttered, pouring himself another drink.

-Meanwhile, In the Science Lab-

In the science lab of the boat, which was filled with computers, vials, and other sciencey crap, Julia was busy doing sciency things, because, as you know, she's a scientist. Suddenly she straightened from her work, a smile of triumph of her face.

"I've done it!" She declared. "What no man has done before! I've created…the _perfect_ bra for me! Look, it clips in the front!" She held up a large, scientific (and lacey!) looking bra for all to see. "It lifts, separates, _and_ gives them a minty-fresh scent! I'm a genius! And look!" She pulled out a much smaller-looking bra of the same design. "I even made a mini one for Saya! Isn't it cute?"

The difference between the two bras was like comparing a mouse to an elephant.

"Oh, come on! They're not _that_ big!" Julia argued. "…Alright, they are, you gotta problem with that? I don't think any of the male audience does!" She whirled around in her wheely chair and began tik-takkin' on her computer. "What was I doing again? Oh, yes. Trying to figure out why the _hell_ David won't sleep with me."

_Beep, beep_!

"Hmm?" Julia glanced up as a computer on the other side of the room beeped. Pushing off with her feet, she sailed across the room on her wheely chair like a graceful ice-skater, that is, until she said hello to the potted plant that was in her way.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!" Julia struggled to her feet, adjusting her crooked glasses. "My boobs deployed just in time and broke my fall!" She picked her wheely chair back up and turned to the still-beeping computer screen. "_What_?! Oh, it's just junkmail. No, I do _not_ want to increase my bust size! They're big enough already!" She paused. "Although maybe I _should_ forward this to Saya…"

-Back in the Medical Ward-

Kai sat next to the radiator, scratching his ass and being bored senseless. Playing Tag with yourself wasn't nearly as fun as he'd hoped, especially while handcuffed to a radiator. He looked up as Louis walked down the hall toward him.

"Hey Kai, how you doing?" He asked.

"Oh, fine, fine," Kai began agreeably, "I'm just slowly going INSANE due to mind-numbing BOREDOM, not to mention have CONVERSATIONS with my _HAND_!!" He held up the non-handcuffed hand and glared at it suspiciously. "He's planning a rebellion against me, I know it! I'm ON to you!" He twisted left and right, wrestling with his own appendage. Louis slowly backed away, eyes wide behind the glasses.

"O…_kay_…" he drawled. "Here, maybe something to eat will make you…not so crazy." He tossed Kai a bag of chips, but he just kicked it away.

"No! I'm not hungry!"

"Come on, brat!" Louis said firmly. "Don't be like David! _Eat_!"

"Looks like _you're_ eatin' enough for both of us," Kai muttered, accidentally leaning on the radiator. "Gaah! It burns the flesh!"

"Screw you, brat! I was only trying to be nice!" Louis turned and began storming away. Kai watched him go, then called after.

"Fat-ass!"

Louis froze in place, then _sloooowly_ turned around to stare at Kai.

"…It was him." Kai pointed at his free hand accusingly. Louis cracked his knuckles and began taking slow steps toward him. Kai shrieked like a girl. A girl getting sat upon by a very large black man. Oh, the humanity.

-Elsewhere on the Boat-

Saya stood on the prow of the boat (is that what it's called? The front, anyway), holding her arms up to the wind and closing her eyes. She stood there for several long moments.

"Anything?" Haji asked from behind.

"No," Saya sighed. "I just feels _wrong_." She hopped down from the railing and kicked at the floor. "Was it really okay, what I did? Did I make the right choice? Maybe I should have-"

"Saya," Haji gently interrupted, "giving Riku your blood was the only way to save-"

"_Riku_?!" Saya snorted. "I was talkin' about that candy bar I stole earlier! _Sheesh_!"

"Oh." Haji blinked. "Well, anyway, now Riku will be just as dedicated to you as _I_ am! Isn't that great?"

"My GOD, what have I done?" Saya whispered in horror. "I'll _never_ get a moment of peace and quiet!" She scrambled over the railing and would have jumped into the salty ocean had not Haji grabbed her and dragged her back onboard.

-Back in the Lab-

"What do you think, professor?" Julia asked curiously. Collins scowled and pursed his lips before answering.

"Hmm…" He cocked an eyebrow. "Well, it's obvious _some_body's got a new bra! And I'll give you a hint; it's _not_ me!"

"I sure as hell _hope_ not," Julia muttered to herself, then said to the man, "I was talking about the data on the computer, professor, _not_ my breasts (for once)."

"Oh. Oh! Yes, of course I knew that." Collins cleared his throat and forced himself to not ogle Julia's chest. "Hmm, yes, that data…it seems that the doohickey of the whatchamacallit and the hibbidy-dibbidy are flurming."

"Yes, that's what I thought!" Julia agreed, continuing the scientific mumbo-jumbo. "That yorgi-shmorgi is just _not_ right!" She crossed her arms and smiled at the professor. "It's an honor to be working under you!" Collins stared at her.

"…Could…could you say that one more time?" He asked slowly. "And lick your lips a little?" Julia gave him a stern look. "Er, I mean to say, I admire your honesty, Julia, but I admire your bust even more!"

There was an awkward silence.

"I should…probably go, huh?" Collins asked nervously.

"Yes. Yes you should." Julia opened the door for him to leave.

"Goodbye, boobs. Er, Julia! I meant Julia!"

"GO!!"

-Later, With Collins-

Collins lay in his quarters on the boat, still fuming over Joel's unfair treatment, as well as his embarrassing outbursts with Julia. Damn people! Damn boat! His mental curses were put on hold as his telephone rang and he irritably snatched it up.

"Hello?" He asked curtly, not in the mood for any nonsense.

"…Is your refrigerator running?" A sinisterly French voice asked.

"Uh…I don't have a refrigerator," Collins admitted.

"You don't? Really? Damn." The voice paused. "Alright, how about this. Do you have a Seymour Butts there?"

"Just tell me what you want, a-hole!" Collins exploded.

"Okay, okay! Mon Dieu!" The voice cleared his throat. "This is Van Argeno (I _knew_ it was him!), and I'm interested in life-forms that preceded _homo_ sapiens."

"…Did you just call me gay?" Collins growled.

"Well, I don't know, I've never even met you before- er, never mind. Listen, I'm VERY interested in CREATURES that drink BLOOD. …Get it?"

"Look, I don't know what you're trying to-"

"Oh, for the love of- CHIROPTERANS! _Okaaay_? There, I said it!" Mr. Argeno quickly lost his temper. "Now come join the dark side and work for us!"

"Okay!" Collins agreed simply.

"Come on, we've got a great dental plan- what?"

"I said okay. I'll join you guys," Collins explained.

"R…really?" Mr. Argeno sounded doubtful. "But what about Red Shield?"

"Red Shield?" Collins scoffed. "_Bleep_ Red Shield! I hope they all _bleep_ing die! When can I start?"

There was a long silence over the phone. Finally Mr. Argeno spoke.

"Let me love you."

-Elsewhere, at a Hotel-

"I'm scared," Mao whimpered, huddled on the bed of the hotel. Okamura scowled and looked up at her from the nearby chair.

"Oh, please," he snorted, "you don't _have_ feelings."

"Will people stop saying that?!" Mao exploded. "I do to! They're just…a little rusty! Aren't you scared? When's the last time you've seen that much blood?!"

"Well," Okamura began jokingly, "there's that time I killed a hooker-"

"Okay, we _really_ gotta stop with the 'killing a hooker' jokes," Mao said firmly. "We're gonna get the UHS on our asses!"

"UHS?" Okamura cocked an eyebrow.

"United Hookers Society," Mao explained. "Now it's shower time!" She began pulling up her shirt as Okamura sputtered in surprise. Immediately the door burst open and the cop from a few episodes prior rolled in, grabbed hold of Okamura, and chucked him out the window.

"But she was the one who-" Okamura pleaded, broken glass in his face.

"I got two words for you," the cop growled. "_Under. Age_."

"…That's only one word."

_Click_.

"It's two," the cop said firmly, his gun barrel pressed against Okamura's brow.

"Yes, officer." Okamura knew better than to argue.

-Back on the Boat-

"Saya!" David, using his skinny-man powers, was able to find Saya hiding near the front of the ship and approached her, a strangely-shaped package under one twig. Er, arm. "Hey, slugger. How you doing? How old are you now, 21, 22? …100? Whatever, that doesn't matter. Here's a present!" He held out the package to Saya, who glared.

"A present? You think a damn _present_ will make up for all the pain and agony I've gone through?!"

"Kinda…" David shrugged. "I've also got coupons for an all-you-can-eat buffet…"

"…I guess it does make up for it! Gimme!" Saya snatched the coupons away and smiled happily. David cleared his throat and went on.

"Saya, listen…I'm truly sorry about putting you through all this crap. I know you're young and impressionable and all that stuff, but we need you, you know? And…and I can't help but feel that if I ever did have a daughter, she'd be like you. I…I really am proud of you, and…Saya, are you even _listening_?"

"Hmm? What?" Saya blinked and looked up. "You say somethin'? I was making a mental list of what I'm gonna eat with these mother-effin' coupons."

"_I_ was staring at Saya's ass," Haji put in.

"On second thought, _bleep_ kids," David sighed. "Look, just know this; there is no-one else but _you_ who can do this!"

"Yes, I know that," Saya said courageously, holding her head high. "I'm the only one who can do this! I'll kill Diva! And I'll bring democracy to the states!" As Saya continued her speech, a waving American flag appeared behind her, as well as patriotic music blaring through trumpets. "Four score and seven years ago, we-"

"Alright, we get it. And aren't we Japanese?" David shoved the strange package into Saya's arms. "Now make daddy proud and go kill a lot of things with this."

"Another present? What is it?" Saya unwrapped the package and gasped in delight. "Wow, a letter-opener!"

"NO! It's a new sword!" David barked.

"Oh. What's so special about this one?" Saya unsheathed the sword and gawked.

"It glows in the dark," David said proudly.

"Cool!" Saya hugged the sword.

"And that's George's heart-crystal thing on the handle."

"_EEEUUUGH_!" Saya dropped the sword like it had herpes. "Warn me next time! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Yeah, whatever," David rolled his eyes and turned to depart. "Have fun with it! Make sure to use it responsibly!"

"Sure, sure." Once David had disappeared, Saya turned to Haji with a mischievous look in her eye. "Haji! Piss me off so I can try out my new sword!"

"Um…" Haji took several moments to think up an appropriate insult. "Diva's prettier than you."

A dead silence descended over the entire boat. Emphasis on DEAD.

"…I might have gone a _liiiittle_ too far on that last one," Haji said quietly.

"Yeah, you might have," Saya agreed, then charged at him, screaming bloody murder. "_Yaaaaaa_- hey, this handles really well- _aaaaaaaaahhh_!!" She managed to cut his arm with the tip of the blade.

"And it super-sharp, too!" Haji added cheerfully. Saya stopped her attack and gazed at her new sword.

"If I kill Diva with this…it'll finally be over!" She declared. Haji kneeled in front of her, a knight before his lady.

"Yes, and I will be with you until the end!" He promised valiantly.

"…You bowin' or trying to peek under my skirt?" Saya was no fool.

"…Both, actually."

_Smack_!

Make that a perverted knight and his rather violent lady.

-Later…-

"Everyone, come quick!" David hollered across the boat, making everyone jump in surprise.

"What, you managed to keep something down?" Louis asked. David glared.

"No! Just come to the medical ward! Something's happening!" Everyone grumbled a bit, but headed over anyway. David faced the small group and smiled.

"You won't believe what's happened," he told them. "It's a _miracle_!"

"M.J.'s back?!" Kai gasped in delight.

"…Alright, _someone_ shut him up," David said firmly.

"I'm on it." Louis began backing his hindquarters toward Kai for another sitting lesson while he shrieked in horror.

"Here's the good news: Riku's waking up!" David declared to the group. Everyone pressed their faces against the glass and stared in as Riku's eyes slowly fluttered open and looked over at them sleepily.

"BOO!!" Kai hollered, slamming himself up against the glass and making a hideous face. Riku spasmed in fright and fell from the bed, his heart monitor going wild.

"_Aaaaaugh_!"

"That's it! I'm handcuffing you to the _anchor_ this time!" David grabbed Kai by the scruff of the neck and began dragging him away.

"Awww, you guys are no fun!"

-Episode 25 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hmm…not too happy with this one. It was a bit hard to do this episode since it was all talkie talkie and everyone being all emo and mopey. I worked on it a bit extra but still…oh, well. Hopefully there'll be a bit more action next time. Hope you still enjoyed it! Bye!


	26. Episode 26: The Followers of Saya

Author's Note: Woo-hoo! Over four hundred reviews, baby! Hot _damn_! I really doubt I'll hit one thousand by the end of it all, but to me, _any_ number is good, so I'm very, very happy. Thanks to everyone for reviewing and liking this series! Here's the next one! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 26

The Followers of Saya

Riku sat in his medical bed, fiddling with the IV string sticking from his arm and wondering what the hell was going on. All he could remember was havin' tea with some ho before blacking out, and the he'd woken up in this strange room aboard the Red Shield boat. Where was Saya, where was Kai, and more importantly, where was _Saya_?

Julia suddenly flew into the room, sailing in on her wheely chair, moving so fast sparks were flying from under the wheels. She overshot her target (which happened to be Riku) and desperately flung out a hand to grab something to stop her – too bad that thing was Riku's IV. The bag and metal carrier jerked away violently, the string ripping from Riku's arm and squirting medical fluid everywhere.

"_Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuugghhh_!" Riku screamed in agony, clutching his arm.

"Oh! Sorry! Sorry!" Julia amended, righting her chair and quickly wheeling over to him. "But seriously, it was gonna come out _some_time anyway." She tossed the useless bag of liquid over her shoulder and straightened, pulling out a clipboard. "Now…!"

"Um, where's Saya?" Riku interrupted nervously. "I have the sudden urge to…smack her fanny." Julia scowled and made a note on her paper.

"Pervertedness…check. Still holding out for stupidity and general weirdness." She cleared her throat and looked up at the boy. "Congratulation, Riku," she told him cheerfully. "The operation was a success. You're now a woman."

"_What_?!" Riku leapt to his feet and quickly yanked down his pants to see if it was true. It apparently wasn't, because he was still quite male (despite what others believe).

"Just kidding!" Julia giggled. "It was a joke! Riku? Riku!" Riku was hyperventilating. "Breath, Riku, breath!"

The door to the ward opened and Kai strode in. He stopped dead upon seeing his little brother standing on the bed with his pants down. After several long, awkward moments of staring, he slowly unzipped his pants and pulled them down as well.

"Kai, pull your damn pants back up!" Julia snapped. "You too, Riku!"

"I was just trying to _fit in_!" Kai sobbed, yanking his pants back up. "But seriously, who liked what they saw? Hands up."

"What were all those tests for?" Riku asked, sitting back down and smartly ignoring Kai.

"AIDS," Julia answered calmly, jotting down some notes.

"I'm 12!!"

"Ooh, I punk'd you _again_!" Julia threw her head back and laughed. "You shoulda seen the look on your face! Too easy, man!"

Riku balled up a fist and punched her in the tit.

"_OW_!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere at the moment, in that same museum place that the Chevaliers had previously had a 'meeting' a few episodes back, Diva was busy demolishing her huge collection of teddy bears. And by demolishing, I mean dousing them with buckets of gasoline, setting them on fire, and dancing around their burning remains hooting like a loon. James and Solomon sat at a nearby table, keeping a careful eye on her.

"Diva, honey!" James called over. "Make sure to use that lighter fluid in a well ventilated area, or else you'll get high!" He sighed and turned back toward Solomon. "…Oh, she can't hear me, she's _flyin'_ like a kite already."

"James?" Solomon asked, voice full of curiosity. "Do you think brother Amshel is…_hiding_ something?"

"What, like a vagina?" James ventured. "Because if he really was a woman, it _would_ explain his lower eyelashes…"

"Yeah, good point," Solomon agreed. "They're really- NO! What I meant was the Schiff!"

"…Bless…you…?" James frowned, utterly confused.

"The Schiff! Those kids in black robes who attacked me before!" Solomon explained. "They're connected to the chiropterans and Saya, I know they are!"

"Speaking of Saya," James growled, glaring at Solomon. "Why'd you go and try to convince Saya to join up? We're not a damn boot camp! OR _booty_ camp!"

"Hey," Solomon said gravely, "I'm sorry, but when I'm cravin' me some Saya meat, I have GOTS to get my fix! Ya dig, brah?"

"Listen," James hissed, leaning forward, "whatever we do we do for the good of _Diva_, alright? She comes first, second, _and_ third! …And speaking of Diva, where'd she go? I haven't seen her for the last few min-"

_THUD_!

"…Did she just jump off the _roof_?" Solomon asked in disbelief.

"Like I said, she is _flyin'_." James sighed. "Walk it off, honey! Walk it off!"

"Hmm…I wanna see that kid again…" Diva said dreamily, staring up at the sky from the hedge she was currently lodged in. Her eyes suddenly went wide. "Rainbow _butterflies_! Horray!" She leapt up and scampered off. …Don't get high, kids.

-Back on the Boat-

"Well," Kai drawled, looking around at the huge and depressingly empty cafeteria, "this place sure is _boomin'_." He looked over at Riku, who sat at the table in a wheelchair and picked at his food. "Come on, Riku! Eat something!"

"I'm not hungry…" Riku said quietly.

"Remember what dad used to say?" Kai sucked in a breath and puffed out his chest. "If you don't eat all the food on your plate, I'll rip out your spine and use it for a golf club!"

"_Dad_ didn't say that, _you_ said that!" Riku corrected impatiently.

"Oh, right." Kai blinked, then patted Riku's back. "Well, eat up!"

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Louis greeted, wandering over.

"Hang on," Kai began, "lemme phone the _forklift_ so they can get you your meal-"

Louis smashed a chair over Kai's head.

"Julia wants to see you, Riku," he told the boy. "It's time for your checkup."

"Oh, alright." Riku sighed, maneuvering his awesome remote-control wheelchair over Kai's bloodied body and zooming toward the exit. Louis watched him go, a wistful look on his face.

"You think that thing could carry me, too?" He wondered aloud.

"Dude, that's like a rhino tryin' to ride a _tricycle_," Kai grunted, climbing back to his feet. "Now, how can I get Riku to eat? Wait! I know!" He grabbed Louis by the shirt and shook him (or at least tried to). "Louis! Make that soup of yours! You know, that delicious _crack_ soup we're all addicted to now!"

"Hey, hey," Louis growled, shoving him off. "It wasn't _crack_ soup, it was _pea_ soup. There's a _difference_. And it's sweet n' all that you wanna care for your brother, but I don't think they have the ingredients here."

"Come on! How hard can it be?" Kai scoffed. "You just make some soup and piss in it! Bam! Pee soup! I'm a genius!" He turned and sprinted off to the kitchens. Louis simply shook his head sadly.

"God I'm glad I'm an only child."

-In the Science Lab-

"Doesn't Kai know Riku doesn't need food or sleep anymore?" David growled, having heard of Kai's complaints from Louis.

"I dunno," Louis shrugged, "but let me tell you this: I ain't NEVER becoming a chevalier. Those are my two favorite things. Hell, I eat IN my sleep."

"What about hoing?" David pointed out.

"That's third, man."

"Do you men _mind_?" Julia interrupted irritably, turning from her computer to glare at them. "I called you in here for a reason. Now listen; Riku's taken Saya's blood, but his body hasn't undergone any changes."

"So…you're saying his physical ability hasn't improved?" David ventured.

"Yes," Julia nodded sadly. "He's still a…_minor character_!" She broke away to sob quietly.

"The poor shit," David nodded sympathetically.

"DAVID!" Julia chucked a test-tube at his head. "It's still too early to be sure. I can't deny the possibility that the boy _may_ have powers equal to Haji's." Both David and Louis stared at her intensely.

"What kinda powers we talkin' bout, ho?" Louis asked suspiciously. "Super powers, or…_perverted_ powers?"

"Perhaps both," Julia said, lighting up a cig and taking a long drag. "I'm quite sure that- _Cough, cough, cough! Haaaaaaack! Gaaagh!! Hak! Hak_!" She doubled over into a fit of coughs and spat noisily, clearing her throat.

"_Damn_, she's hot," Louis muttered in awe.

"Yeah," David couldn't help but agree as Julia attempted to regain her breath by asphyxiating into a brown paper bag. Don't smoke, kids!

-With Saya-

Saya, meanwhile, was still being all mopey and emo by the railing of the large ship. Haji stood beside her and fought the urge to touch her 'danger zones'.

"Do you regret it?" He asked her quietly. Saya gawked at him. "The…the giving the blood to Riku thing, not the candy bar thing," he enunciated. Saya frowned.

"Well, I dunno," she sighed. "I really- why are you bowing again, Haji?"

"Because," he explained, once again on his knees, "I can see up your skirt this way." Saya was halfway to slappin' him before realizing something.

"Hey! Didn't we just re-use a joke from the last episode?"

"Well, yes," Haji agreed, inching away from her. "But it's more eco-friendly to the environment that way!"

"We aren't toilet-paper!!"

"I wish I was! Maybe _then_ I'd get close to your ass!"

-Elsewhere-

At the moment, Kai was wheeling Riku down a hallway, bringing his brother…where now? Meh, it doesn't really matter anyway. The two were amidst a conversation.

"What did you talk about with David?" Riku asked his brother, looking over his shoulder at him.

"I wouldn't call it 'talking' so much as 'veiled threats and mild violence'," Kai grunted, steering the wheelchair along. "But don't worry, it's all good!"

"Kai…" Riku said firmly. "I can walk, you know. I don't wanna use the wheelchair anymore."

"Well, too bad!" Kai snapped. "_I'm_ having too much fun with it! _Wheee_!" So saying, he shoved the contraption carrying his brother down a set of stairs.

"_Auuuuuuuugh_!" The two crashed and tumbled all the way to the bottom, where Riku lay underneath the twisted and broken chair, one wheel spinning despondently. "Oh, yeah?" Riku called weakly up the stairs. "Well I still got a kiss from Saya, so _there_!"

"Oh? Oh, now we're gettin' _personal_, huh?" Kai muttered darkly, starting down the stairs and rolling up his sleeves. "Come on, get your paralyzed ass UP! Let's _do_ dis!" He held up his fists and glared at his brother.

"HEY!!" Kai whirled around to find Saya standing in the doorway, glaring swords, knives, and several other pointy objects at him. "What the _hell_ is going on in here?"

"…He started it." Kai quickly pointed at Riku, who was still struggling to get out from under the twisted wreckage of the wheelchair. Saya raised an eyebrow.

"Did you _push_ him down the stairs?"

"No- he, okay," Kai sputtered, brain going on overdrive to think up a plausible excuse/lie, "what I- no, okay- no, he just- okay, okay, he-" Kai paused for a long moment before answering. "_Yes_."

"Alrighty then." Saya said simply, then kicked him in the crotch.

"My baby-makers!" Kai howled in pain, falling to the ground. Saya gently freed Riku from the chair and hiked him up piggy-back style.

"Whee! Let's go explore the ship! Later, loser!" Giving Kai one final kick, she and Riku dashed off for some fun and adventure. Haji remained behind, glaring at the writhing pile of pain formerly known as Kai.

"If I could muster up a _fart_," he whispered dangerously, "you wouldn't be able to smell for a _week_. But I just took some Beano, so…it's not gonna happen." He settled with a kick to the shin, then scampered after Saya. Kai gurgled in agony.

"H…_hate_ this family…" he whimpered. As he lay on the ground bleeding, a sudden flashback came to him, of David and him sitting in one of the rooms on the ship, the former giving the latter a father-son talk about the birds and the bees.

"-And then the mother screams horribly and nearly dies from blood loss and you've got yourself a brand-new baby!" David finished up, his arm around Kai's shoulders. "Any questions?" Kai stared into space, a looked of pure horror plastered on his features. "No? Good. Later!" David stood up to leave.

"Wait!" Kai sputtered, awakening from his stupor. "What's up with Riku? Tell me!"

"I'm not Alex Trebek, kid," David scoffed, walking out and rolling his eyes. "Figure it our your damn self."

-Outside…-

Outside the docked ship, a sinister group of cloaked figures stood at the top of a tall tower in the city. They watched the ship, malicious intent glinting in their hooded eyes. It…it's the Schiff, if you were wondering, not…Jehovah Witnesses or anything.

"That's it," Irene said confidently, pointing. "Saya's on that ship."

"How do you _know_?" Karman asked suspiciously. A resounding slap suddenly pierced the air.

"Dammit, Haji! When I said explore the ship, I _didn't_ mean my underwear drawer!"

"But they're so _frilly_! How could I resist?"

Karman blushed, feeling foolish.

"…OH."

-That Night…-

Riku couldn't sleep. He'd tried listening to music, he tried sleeping pills, heck, he'd even tried counting New York's, and _still_ nothing! It didn't help him much that Kai was having yet another Crispin Freeman dream in the bed beside him.

"Hmmm…" Kai giggled in his sleep, drooling all over his pillow. "I don't know which voice I like most! Is it Togusa, from Ghost in the Shell, or is it Alucard, from Hellsing? I just can't _decide_!"

"Oh, _Lord_," Riku sighed heavily. "Come on, sleep!" He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could and strained, hard. "…I think I just peed a little." That was it. He'd had enough. Riku slipped out of bed and snuck to the door, careful not to make a sound. Quietly exiting the room, he turned down the hall to see-

Kai?

"_Holy- what the- how the hell did you_-" Riku sputtered in surprise.

"I'm your older brother," Kai told him darkly. "Don't underestimate my powers." He certainly cut an imposing figure, standing there with his Teletubbies boxers. Tinky-Winky edition, no less. "…What?"

"Huh? Oh." Riku pulled his eyes away from Kai's embarrassing boxers and pointed behind him. "Look, Crispin!"

"_Where_?!" Kai shot off down the hall like he was on speed.

"Idiot," Riku muttered, heading off the other way. He wandered a bit, then came to rest at the railing of the ship, staring up at the blazing moon hanging in the sky. He didn't even notice when Haji appeared beside him.

"_Aaaaaaaaaugh_!" Okay, maybe he did.

"…You okay?" Haji asked.

"Yeah, just a minor heart attack, nothing serious," Riku mumbled. "Where's Saya?"

"She's gone to bed," Haji told him. "…She kicked me out of the room." A single tear slowly slid down his cheek and shone in the soft rays of the moon.

"You probably deserved it," Riku pointed out. "Anyway, Haji, there's something _wrong_ with me. I don't know what it is, but I…I…"

"It's called puberty, Riku," Haji said, patting his head. "Strange and wonderful things are happening to your body." He paused. "Mostly hair."

"What?"

"Oh, no, wait," Haji corrected. "You're never gonna _reach_ puberty, because you don't age anymore! Hah!"

"_What_?!"

"And here's a heads up," Haji continued, "you might wanna get used to the taste of blood and getting run through about every episode. _Count_ on it."

"_WHAT_?!" Riku threw up his arms in defeat. "Forget it! I'll figure it out by myself!! _Sheesh_!" He turned to storm away, but the blaring of a warning siren stopped him. What was going on?!

"Well, _obviously_," Haji rolled his eyes, "the ship is under attack! It's those damn dirty Schiff again!" He raised his fist and shook it dramatically.

Up in her room, Saya's eyes snapped open as the siren awakened her. She lay in bed, gathering her thoughts.

"Something's…_wrong_…" she whispered quietly. Bullets whizzed in through her window, shattering the glass and the lamp on the nearby table. "Yes, something is not right…but _what_?"

"Saya! Enemy attack!" Haji cried, bashing the door open. Saya frowned.

"A-hah! _That's_ what it is!" She stood up and noted Haji staring at her in disappointment. "What?"

"Oh, I _wish_ you slept in the nude!"

Elsewhere on the boat, Kai was quickly getting dressed (thankfully covering up the Twinky-Winky boxers). He pulled out his gun out from under his pillow and grinned.

"Good thing I learned how to use this!" He said to himself before the weapon accidentally fired and almost hit his foot. "Wow!" Kai gushed. "Last time I shot my big toe off! I _am_ getting better!" He dashed out of the room, searching for Riku.

Onboard the boat, the Schiff slaughtered crewmen left and right, their weapons whistling through the air. Moses, the one-eyed pretty-boy, stabbed a man with his scythe and tugged him close.

"Where's Saya?" He hissed. The man coughed up blood and gurgled.

"In…in…_guhhh_…" the man expired before he could answer.

"Um, Moses?" Irene asked awkwardly as he threw the useless body aside. "Maybe you should ask _before_ you kill them."

"_Nonsense_!" Moses scoffed, leaping forward to kill another man.

Saya, meanwhile, stood on the big heli-pad on top of the boat, waiting for the Schiff to arrive. Good thing she had her new sword to entertain her while she waited!

"Look, I can spell my name!" She giggled, twirling her glow-in-the-dark weapon around.

"Let me try!" Haji took the sword and began swinging it around while Saya read aloud.

"P…E…N…I…_HEY_!" Saya snatched her sword back her glared at Haji. "_Not_ cool."

Suddenly the Schiff arrived, all flying through the air and landing before the two with utmost grace. Well, all except for the last one, who tripped over their own cape and fell to the ground in a heap.

"You _ruined_ it!" Karman snapped irritably. "You're out of the club! Go on, get!" The outcast Schiff sniffled and ran off, leaving seven in all to face Saya.

"Man, they're lame," Haji grunted.

"This from a man who tried to spelled 'penis' two seconds ago?" Saya retorted.

"I love you, too." Haji shot back.

_Ding, ding_!

The sound of the bell marked the beginning of the battle, and the two sides went at it like little-league players. Haji valiantly protected Saya, who managed to hold her own against several Schiff at once. The surviving agents on the ship, along with David, began cheering them on with pom-poms to show their support.

"Quit cheerin' and come _help_ me!" Saya hollered at them.

"But…we don't have names."

"Oh. Then you're excused. David, get the EFF over here!"

"Damn." David pulled out his gun and joined the fray. As the fight heated up, Riku came running out of nearby door and gasped when he caught sight of the battle. To make things worse, a dead body fell from above and splattered him with its entrails. Horrible emotions scars, _horray_! A Schiff followed the body down and went for Riku.

"RIKU!!" Kai hollered as he appeared through the same door and saw his brother in danger. "…Can I have your iPod?"

"Huh?" Riku turned at the exact moment the Schiff struck, making him miss his mark by a mere inch.

"I _totally_ meant for that to happen," Kai stated, whilst inwardly disappointed he wouldn't be getting Riku's player. He pulled out his gun, aimed at the Schiff, and fired.

_Blam_!

"Ow!" Riku fell down to the ground, clutching his bloodied leg. "You shot me! You shot me right in the leg!"

"Wha…no I didn't!" Kai spluttered.

"Uh, yeah, you did," the Schiff added. "Look, he's all bleeding and-"

"SHUT UP!" Kai swiveled the gun at him again. "Don't worry, Riku! I'll save you _this_ time, I swear!"

"No, don't!" Riku squealed in fear and hid behind the Schiff. "Don't help me anymore, please!"

"_Yaaaah_!" Saya leapt down into the argument and shoved the Schiff away from Riku. "Kai, go!" She called. Kai obediently whirled around and shot off. "And take Riku _with_ you!"

"…I knew that," Kai muttered, hustling back to get Riku. It was too late, as Karman joined the fight, attacking Saya from behind. Riku leapt at him and ended up being run through by the blunt end of Karman's spear (listen to Haji, boy!).

"Aaauuuugh!" Riku screamed in pain.

"Aaauuuugh!" Kai screamed in horror.

"Aaauuuugh!" Karman screamed because all the screaming freaked him out.

"…Aaaah?" The other Schiff awkwardly joined in before Saya sent him flying with a well-aimed slash. The Schiff's body sailed across the boat and over the railing, splashing into the water below.

"Nice distance!" Saya whistled, admiring her work.

"Home run!" Haji cheered.

"Riku?! Are you alright?" Kai ran to Riku's side, worried about his wound, but gasped when he saw it closing before his very eyes. What the hell?! The Schiff all stopped their attack, cautiously watching Saya and the others. A huge tank rumbled up onto the battlefield, the top popping open and Louis peeking out.

"Is the fight over?" He asked. "Am I too late? DAMN, why do I _always_ miss it?"

"Another chevalier?" One of the Schiff muttered, eyeing Riku.

"Damn! What do we do?" Karman growled.

"Retreat," Moses ordered. "And it's _only_ because she has another chevalier and _not_ because I'm so scared I've soiled myself."

"Then why do you smell like pee?" Karman pointed out.

"It's…it's my new Axe body spray!" Moses huffed.

"Oh, okay. That makes sense." The Schiff turned and disappeared into the night. Back with the others, Riku slowly came too and realized something wasn't right with him.

"I'm different!" He sniffled. "My wound…_and_ my horniness!"

"No, no! See, that's normal!" Kai stammered. He quickly pulled out his gun, shot himself in the foot, then staggered over toward Saya. "Hey, hot stuff! You got all these curves and I ain't got no brakes!" Saya slapped him. "See? It's perfectly normal!"

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up," Riku said, "but…I'm like Haji now, aren't I? I'm gonna get all perverted, aren't I?! _Nooooo_! I don't _wanna_!!" He burst into tears, covering his face with his hands in shame.

"Oh, Riku…" Saya felt a pang of guilt.

"Man, why am I suddenly so thirsty?!" Riku wondered aloud, lowering his hands and looking around. He caught sight of a dead body, blood pooled around it. "Anyone drinking that? No? Good, more for me!" He jumped for the body, but was stopped by Kai.

"Wait, Riku!" He begged, then tore open his shirt dramatically.

"Aww, you're offering Riku your own blood?" Saya gasped, deeply touched.

"What?" Kai blinked. "No, I was showing everyone my sexy pecks-"

"Too bad! Riku, drink some of Kai's blood!" Saya ordered.

"Wha…no!" Riku shook his head in horror. "I could _never_-"

"He burned all your I Love New York DVDs."

Riku's eyes glowed red.

"Oh, _shit_." Kai gulped. It was suppertime for Riku.

"Isn't that sweet?" Haji chirruped, watching Riku gnash at Kai's neck, violently draining his blood. Saya made a face.

"…Not really."

-Episode 26 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hah, that was fun. Heads up; finals are comin' up for me, so the next few chapters might be late since I'll be getting more assignments and will need to study and crap. Just bear with me, I promise to update on time if I can. Thanks for reading, and reviewing! Bye!


	27. Episode 27: Paris, Je t'aime

Author's Note: Hmm, this episode was a little difficult because of all the sappy-sweetness crap goin' on, but since there was a lot of Kai, there was plenty of room for a whole lotta stupid. Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 27

Paris, Je t'aime

Kai stood at the top of the Eiffel tower, staring out at the peaceful French city of Paris spreading out below him. The view was breath-taking, beautiful, and several other long, complex words that Kai either didn't know or couldn't pronounce. But to sum it all up, it was dang _purty_. He couldn't help but think of what'd happened the previous day: the attack on the ship, the Schiff killing people, and Riku feeding on his blood. Those bastards at Red Shield didn't appreciate him! Heck, they didn't even _like_ him!

"Why do I even _bother_?!" Kai sniffled, breaking into sobs. "You guys don't NEED me! I'm ending it all right here!" He slung a leg over the railing and hoisted himself up. "No-one try to stop me, please! This is for my own good!"

"We've got a jumper!" Someone in the crowd called out. Immediately everyone formed around Kai and began cheering. "Jump! Jump! Jump!"

"You're all _a_-holes!" Kai muttered curses under his breath and got back down from the railing (the crowd groaned in disappointment and dispersed). Wandering around for a moment, Kai spotted a hooded figure standing a few feet away. "Hmm? That girl…" He stared suspiciously at her, noting her long, blond hair and concealing cloak. She looked just like- "Jessica _Simpson_! Damn, she's hot! _I'd_ bang her!" …Kai's an idiot.

_Wham_!

Suddenly a kid ran from the crowd and collided with the figure, whom we all know as Irene, one of the female Schiff. The kid glared up at her and scowled.

"Ow! Move your fat ass, ho!" The kid barked. Irene shot him a nasty look, eyes glowing red. "Eeek! I'm sorry! _Mommmyyyy_!" The child burst into tears and ran off in terror.

"…I think I'm in love," Kai muttered to himself. "That, or I'm just being horny again. Did I mention that I wanna bang her?"

-With Saya-

Meanwhile, Saya and Haji were busy honing their fighting skills…right in the middle of Paris's busy streets (seriously, you two, couldn't you be more discreet?). The inhabitants of the city didn't seem to mind, finding it perfectly natural for two Japanese individuals to be battling it out with swords and knives.

"I'm puttin' my money on the cute chick!" A middle-aged man said cheerily.

"They're probably hyped up on that rap music!" An old man muttered.

"Can you guys move?" A woman asked kindly. "You're blocking my car."

"Oh, of course, excuse us," Saya and Haji quickly hustled out of the way to let the woman pass, then continued their fight, moving down the street and into a small outdoor café. Haji leapt onto a table, took a swig from a nearby teacup with pinky properly extended ("Hey!" the owner of the cup loudly complained), then hopped back off and attacked Saya with renewed fervor.

"Aim for the balls!" An onlooker called out.

"Good idea! Thanks!" Saya called back, then dropped her sword and kicked Haji in the nuts. He doubled over, also dropping his weapon and signaling his defeat.

"Alright, alright! You win!" He gasped out. "Go ahead and have your way with me!" He closed his eyes and waited several seconds. After no response, he slowly cracked an eye open and was surprised to find an elderly lady standing in front of him, removing her false teeth and winking suggestively at him. "Er…I am seventy-five percent sure you are NOT Saya…"

"Haji, get over here!" Saya barked, already heading back to their apartment. Haji realized his error and began inching around the old lady, who kept smacking her lips at him and miming 'call me' with her hand. Haji responded by miming hanging himself, then hurried after Saya.

-Back at the Apartment-

Back at the apartment everyone shared, David and Louis were busy studying some pictures. Some very _important_ pictures. …Of Louis in his underwear.

"I dunno, I kinda like _this_ one," David commented, picking up the picture of Louis in some neon pink panties and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Yeah, but you can't see my hot ass in that one," Louis pointed out, holding up another picture of him in red devil panties. "See, _this_ one here you can-"

"What are you guys looking at?" Both men leapt in surprise and hurriedly gathered up the pictures as Saya walked in. "Pictures? Can I see?"

"Er, NO." David coughed nervously. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Oh, yeah." Saya blinked. "I'm off to the library. Need anything?"

"Yeah," Louis sniggered, "can you get me some Quantum _Nerd_ Mechanics while you're there?"

"Or some Nerd Theory books?" David added, snickering as well.

"Can you get me the Joy of Sex?" Haji joined in. Saya glared at them all.

"Forget it. I'll just get you all "How to Re-set Broken Bones for Complete _Idiots_." She turned on her heel and marched out, Haji in tow, leaving the two men in peace.

"…Okay, now let's look at mine," David said suddenly, pulling out several pictures of himself in panties and the like. Louis made a face when he saw them, as it was like a skeleton wearing diapers. "Sexy, no?"

"No is just the word I was lookin' for…"

-Back With Kai-

Kai, meanwhile, was busy stalking- er, I mean _following_ Irene, watching her every move as she traveled around the large city. Just to be safe, he was wearing one of those glasses-funny moustache combinations to disguise himself, as well as hiding behind a curtain when she turned around, although the curtain turned out to be a large woman's dress. As Kai was getting the crap beaten out of him, Irene halted at a small flower store and gazed at the plants curiously.

"Hello, welcome!" The store owner bustled out and smiled at Irene. "How can I help you today?" Irene leapt to her feet with a small shriek, then dashed off down the street screaming bloody murder. The store-owner burst into tears. "The selection's not THAT bad!" She wailed, running back into the store.

Kai (bloodied by the incident with the large lady) continued following Irene around, sure that she would do something bad, like kill someone, or litter. To his disappointment, she was the picture of innocence, gaping at the sights and sounds of the city, even accepting a red balloon from a creepy clown.

"Is she _really_ a chiropteran?" Kai wondered to himself, watching Irene skip along the street with her balloon. No sooner had he spoken than she turned and violently ripped open a man's throat, drinking him dry. "…Guess she is." Kai kept on her trail and Irene went on her merry way, sappy music playing loudly. "Okay, _seriously_," Kai drawled, "some crap better go down before I _die_ of the sweetness of this montage. And why the hell hasn't that stupid cop stopped her yet?" He turned to see 'that stupid cop' from previous episodes gazing lovingly at Irene.

"So…_cute_!" He gushed.

"You're not helping, buddy!" Kai barked at him. "Can't you do anything to stop-"

"Eeek!" Suddenly Irene was yanked into an alley by two thugs.

"That'll do!" Kai cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Time to kick some ass!" He leapt into the alley, singing valiantly. "_Heeeere_ I come to save the- WAGH!" He tripped over a pile of refuse and landed hard on his face.

"…Who the hell's this loser?" One of the thugs growled, eyeing Kai.

"I dunno," the other answered. "Let's beat him up!" The two thugs leapt on Kai and began beating the stuffing out of him. Lucky for our boy Irene was there to kick the men off and send them packing.

"I didn't _need_ your help!" Kai sputtered at her, nursing a black eye. "I had it all under control!"

"And you pissed yourself _because_…?" Irene prompted.

"I was excited!" Kai protested. "Haven't you ever done that before? You ever…you ever pee a little?"

"…No."

Suddenly the clouds in the sky broke apart, and a thin sliver of sun shone forth into the alley. Irene immediately gasped in fright, yanking her hood up and cowering away from the light.

"What's wrong?" Kai asked her. "Come on, it's only sun! I know how you feel – I burn real easily too!" He stepped into the sun to show her it was safe. His skin began sizzling and smoking as he went on. "See? It's perfectly f- _oh my GOD I can SMELL my flesh cooking! Why does it smell like hotdogs? WHYYYY_?!"

-Elsewhere in the City-

In the sewers (_ew_) below the city, the Schiff gathered in conference. One of them was missing, and they weren't happy about it in the least.

"Dammit!" Karman cursed, in a foul mood as usual, "Where the heck is Irene?! She's our Saya GPS, we can't find that ho without her!"

"Maybe she had to pee?" Lulu, a small girl Schiff with wide eyes suggested.

"It's been _hours_!"

"…Maybe it was a number two."

"Lulu…just…_shut up_…" Karman hissed. "And for the love of God, go see a _damn_ optometrist and get them _eyes_ fixed because they are _freaking me out_."

"Oh yeah?" Lulu sniffed. "Well you should go see anus-doctor to remove that stick you've got jammed up there!"

"You little bug-eyed brat!"

-Back with Kai and Irene-

Irene was dreaming. She was naked, floating in an ocean of blue, her hair swirling around her in the currents. …Man, she's _high _or somethin'. She lay there in that tranquil underwater world for several long moments before a slight cough made her open her eyes and look up.

"Um, hi," Kai said awkwardly, interrupting her vision/dream-thing.

"What the?! How the hell did you get in here?!" Irene sputtered. "Get the hell out! This is _my_ vision/dream-thing!"

"I just came to tell you that you'd better wake up," Kai warned, "because in a few seconds I'm gonna be like Prince Charmin' and _kiss_ you awake."

"Oh." Irene immediately began pinching herself and slapping her face. "Wake up! Wake up, girl! Come on, wake _uuuuuup_!"

_Crack_!

As Irene jerked awake and surged upward, her forehead smashed Kai in the face, breaking his nose and making him back the _eff_ off. Irene rubbed her aching forehead and glared at him.

"Why did you save me?" She demanded. Kai plugged his bleeding nose and shrugged.

"Because you're hot," he answered. Irene stared at him. "Er, I mean I wanna bang you. No! I mean-"

"You wanna know more about me?" Irene suggested.

"Yeah," Kai agreed, "like your bust size n' shtuff."

"…I'm just gonna ignore that last part and start talking about my past now." Irene said quietly.

"You have my full attention," Kai stated, eyes glued to her chest. Irene took a deep breath and began.

"We Schiff were created by humans in a place called Kilbed…"

-Meanwhile, at the Library-

Saya sat in a quiet corner of the library, eyes trained on a small computer-like contraption from which she was apparently viewing pornography.

"Wha…I am _not_!" Saya protested, blushing furiously. "I'm looking at these old slides, I'll have you know!"

"_I_ was looking at porn," Haji proudly admitted, flipping through his dirty magazine. A librarian who had just wandered over slowly put down the film Saya had asked for and backed away. Saya glared at Haji.

"Nice going. Now everyone thinks I'm a pervert."

"You're _welcome_!" Haji smiled and turned the page. After a few more minutes of looking at slides, Saya and Haji left the building, unaware that in the same library were two very familiar people. They were…

"_Gaaawd_, what are we doing here?" Mao complained, voice ringing obnoxiously loud throughout the library. "I'm _boooored_!"

"Shh! Shut up! I have a very good reason for coming here!" Okamura snapped at her as he came to the front desk and smiled at the librarian there. "Hi, I'm looking a book that'll help me kill off an annoying, sadistic psycho bitch. Think you can help me out?"

"I wanna go look for Kai!" Mao growled, tugging at Okamura's arm.

"…Can you run a search for it?" Okamura pleaded. "Please? Right the hell now? I'm begging you, lady, I _need_ this book." His voice was tinged with panic, plus he was crying a little. "Here, I'll help you spell it; crazy sadistic psycho bitch, spelled M-A-O-"

"Oooh, Harry Potter!" Mao squealed in delight, glancing at a nearby shelf. "My _favorite_!"

"Oh, God." Okamura squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for strength. "Is the search done yet? Any matches? ANY?"

"Okamura!" Mao had had enough. "Where's Kai?! You said he'd be here in Paris, so where is he?!"

"Hurry the _bleep_ up with the _bleep_ing search, woman!!"

"HEY! Don't ignore me!" Mao snatched up a hefty Potter tome and flung it at Okamura, connecting soundly with his head. The poor journalist collapsed like an abused piñata (no candy from him, though, only blood) and lay on the ground, unmoving. "Get up! You're fine!" Mao barked. Okamura didn't respond. "…O…Okamura? Oh, _bleep_." She turned and took off as the helper at the desk looked up.

"Sir? I found a match," she said. "It was under 'Judge Judy'. …Sir?"

-Back With Kai and Irene-

"I can't remember when my existence began," Irene was saying sadly, sitting under the bridge next to Kai. "The earliest memory I have is of the bind of restraining belts…"

"…I like where this is headed," Kai stated. Irene stood up to leave. "No, no! Wait! I'll be good!" Irene sighed heavily and, despite her better judgment, sat back down. She continued her story, telling Kai of how she was 'raised' in the Kilbed place, taught basic human knowledge and the like.

"The restraining belts were only taken off when I was ordered to fight," Irene went on.

"Oh my GOD this is just like that Jet Li movie _Unleashed_!" Kai gushed excitedly before Irene gave him an insane stare. "Er, I mean, please continue with your enthralling story."

"Anyway, we knew we would eventually die," Irene said sadly. "Red cracks would appear on our bodies, and we would shatter…we called it-"

"Eczema?" Kai interrupted.

"No."

"Stretch marks?"

"No!"

"Melanoma?"

"NO!!" Irene shouted. "We called it the _Thorn_!"

"Oh." Kai blinked. "Hell, _I_ could have come up with a cooler name than that. Like…like Chiro-herpes or somethin'."

"Stop talking," Irene warned. "Moses was the one who got us to escape."

"You mean Moses and the Ten Command-"

"_Just shut up and listen_!!"

A short flashback appeared, of all the Schiff confined to their cells and talking amongst each other. They all wore weird feminine-like shirts and tight pants.

"Okay, listen up people," Moses whispered to the others, "the first thing we're gonna do once we're outta this dump is get out of these _gay_-ass shirts."

"I dunno, I kinda like them…" Karman protested.

"You _would_!" Moses snapped.

"Cyclops!" Karman shot back.

"Menopause!" Moses hollered.

"_Gaaaasp_!" Karman gasped, greatly offended. "Take. That. BACK!"

"So," Irene's voice narrated, the flashback still running, "after they stopped fighting, we were finally able to escape Kilbed." In the flashback, the Schiff all grabbed weapons and began dashing through the compound, slaying all humans they came across. They finally reached an important-looking scientist, whom Moses grabbed.

"I have a question for you…" Moses hissed, leaning close to the scientist. "…Does this shirt make me look fat?"

"No," the scientist answered nervously, "your _fat_ makes you look fat."

"Okay, good." Moses slugged the scientist in the stomach, and the Schiff escaped.

The flashback finally over, Irene pulled her hood to the side and showed Kai her neck – angry red cracks were spreading up it. Kai whistled and quirked an eyebrow.

"_Whoa_. That is one _hell_ of a hickey you got there, honey," he stated.

"It's not a hickey!!" Irene exploded. "It's the Thorn! And what the heck is a hickey, anyway?"

"Oh. _Ew_." Kai inched away from Irene, a bit grossed out.

"To heal this," Irene explained, "we need Diva and Saya's blood."

"_Really_?" Kai looked thoughtful. "Well…good luck with that!" He patted her on the back cheerily.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the French city, in the same museum-garden place as before, Solomon approached his brother, Amshel, and spoke to him.

"Brother?" He said quietly. "I have to talk to you."

"If it's about the Zoo," Amshel replied, not bothering to turn around, "don't mind it. I really don't care. Seriously, I don't give two craps about it."

"Er, actually," Solomon coughed, "I wanted to ask about the Schiff-"

"Oh, come on. I don't give _three_ craps about them-"

"_Looook_! I made Diva a new _dreeeeess_!" Nathan sang, flouncing into the room wearing the frilly garment, Diva and James shuffling in after. Everyone stared at him for a long, awkward moment.

"…I don't know what I find more disturbing," Solomon finally spoke, "that you're in the dress or that I _like_ you in the dress."

"Twinkle-toes," Diva snapped.

"Diva! _Language_!" Amshel gasped, appalled. "You're going to get the fic author _banned_!"

"Good, her story _sucks_!"

"Change the scene already!" James shouted. "This is getting too damn _weird_!"

-Back with Kai and Irene-

"Look, if you want some of Saya's blood, just ask!" Kai told Irene patiently. "We humans know how to share!"

"Can you spare some change?" A starving hobo begged, tugging at Kai's sleeve.

"Get lost, _stinky_!" Kai barked, kicking the homeless man away. "Anyway, you ask, and once you get it, you say 'thank you'!" He paused and thought for a moment. "And then you kiss her a little."

"…I dunno…" Irene was still a bit doubtful.

"Aw, come on!" Kai begged. "Here, I'll give you a ride there!" He turned and skooched down so Irene could get on his back. "Hop on!" Irene hesitantly stepped close to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh GOD you weigh a ton!" Kai gasped out, knees buckling under Irene's weight. "Get off! Get _off_!" He quickly threw her off and gasped for breath. "Geez, it's like carrying a dead _body_! That's it, we're _walking_!"

The two began the long walk back to Saya's apartment, the sun beginning to set with an orange glow on the distant horizon. As they walked, Kai chattered on and on to Irene about his life, hopes, aspirations, bowel movements, everything.

"-And David and Haji are so _mean_ to me, but I just can't help but feel attracted to Saya! Do you think that's creepy? Is it too much like incest? You think I'll be sent to the fiery pits of hell for it? Do you think these jeans make my ass look good?"

"He'll get you Saya's blood…he'll get you Saya's blood…" Irene whispered to herself, desperately holding back on killing him. As the two continued on down the empty streets, time seemed to slow down as they began having a 'moment'. Try not to puke.

"I'll always be there to bug the hell out of Riku!" Kai was finishing up. "That way he'll always have a home, even if he's a freaky ever-young chiropteran wannabe!"

"Home…" Irene sighed to herself. "I think I'd be happy…if I had a person UNlike you would wait for my return…"

"Irene…" Kai stared at Irene quietly. A silent moment passed between them.

_Honk, honk_!

Perhaps standing in the middle of the street and having a moment wasn't the brightest idea.

"Hey, shut up!" Kai snapped at the car rudely honking at them. "We're having a moment here, _gawd_!"

"Want me to kill him?" Irene asked sweetly.

"Er, you don't _have_ to…" Kai coughed and grabbed her hand, moving to the sidewalk and out of the way of traffic. "So anyway, as we were saying…"

"HEY!" Just then, the same police officer from earlier stepped into view, blocking their way and holding a megaphone up to his mouth. "YOU! PUT YOUR HANDS UP, AND STEP AWAY FROM THE HOT CHICK!"

"Aw, _hell_," Kai sighed. "I shoulda known. Okay, Irene, you can kill this one."

"Yippee!!" Irene skipped toward the cop, who quickly realized the situation and got the eff outta there. Smart move.

Elsewhere in Paris, Saya sat on a bench, tapping her foot and waiting! Her cell-phone suddenly rang, and she quickly flipped it open and answered it.

"Hello? _Giiiiirl_, am I glad you called! I just saw the _cutest_ skirt today and-"

"Saya," David ground out from the other line, "it's ME."

"Oh, I know," Saya stated, then continued. "So anyway, about the skirt- _holycrapbadfeelinggottagobye_!" She snapped the phone closed and leapt to her feet, searching wildly for the disturbance in the force. A familiar song could be heard wafting through the air.

Meanwhile, Irene also gasped as a strange feeling washed over her. Kai paused and looked back at her, concerned.

"What's wrong?"

"…I just farted," Irene admitted, blushing a little.

"Pee-_yooo_!" Kai gagged, pinching his nose closed. "Damn, girl! Go see a doctor or something! My eyes are burning! Whoo!" Suddenly a stretch-hummer drove by, with Diva sitting inside! Irene gave a small gasp and ran off into the night, Kai chasing after her in confusion.

"Waaaait! What about our moment? Am I getting laid or what?!"

Saya rounded a corner, still searching for her enemy. She turned around, eyes widening, and gave a loud gasp.

"Oh my GOD!" She cried. "That skirt is on SALE!!" Then she noticed Diva getting out of a nearby car. "And…that too." Then she noticed Kai running off like an idiot. Her gaze flickered from one to the other, desperately trying to decide which one to run to. Finally she decided on Diva, running toward her. Haji intervened, patiently leading her away from her twin and toward Kai. "But I don't _waaaaanna_!" Saya complained, pouting and dragging her heels.

"I know, honey," Haji sighed, "but you _have_ to."

Kai, meanwhile, was in deep doo-doo. The Schiff had shown up, surrounding him and taking custody of Irene once again.

"Hey, she was the one hitting on me, man!" He protested as Karman leveled his spear at him. Suddenly Moses noticed the red cracks on Irene's neck and gasped aloud.

"Irene," he whispered. "Where did you get that _hickey_ from? You whore!"

"It's not a _bleep_ing hickey!" Irene finally exploded. "It's the mother-_bleep_ing Thorn, alright?! Good GOD!"

"…Oh." Moses coughed. "Sorry about the whore thing. …Let's go!" The Schiff turned and disappeared into the darkness, leaving Kai all on his lonesome. Several moments later, Saya poked her head around the corner cautiously.

"…They gone? Good, because I sure as hell ain't getting all blood for _your_ ass."

-Back at the Library-

Okamura (a hefty bandage around his forehead) sat by the same computer-type thing that Saya had before, intensely focused on it. A librarian walked up.

"Sir, it's closing time."

"Just give me five more minutes!" Okamura begged.

"Quit lookin' at porn!!" Mao roared from a nearby aisle. Okamura winced, then leaned over and called to the front desk.

"Is my book in YET?"

-Episode 27 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hmm…this one came out alright, because I like having fun with Mao and Okamura. Those two are made for each other. I can't promise the next chapter will be on time, since all my tests are next week. Hope you enjoyed this one, anyway! Review, please!


	28. Episode 28: Limited Lifespan

Author's Note: Heh, this one was fun to write, lots of Kai and David interaction and you know what _that_ means; major bodily harm. Hip, hip, horray! Enjoy. Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 28

Limited Lifespan

Night had finally fallen over the city of Paris. Back at the apartment they shared in the French city, David questioned Saya intently about her encounter with the Schiff in the previous episode.

"You encountered the Schiff?" He asked her (see?). Saya nodded.

"Yes," she answered, "but they took off when Haji showed up."

"Nice going, Haji!" David huffed, crossing his arms and pouting. "You ruin _everything_!" Louis voiced his agreement by throwing a box of Mcnuggets at the perverted Chevalier.

"Aw, don't worry," Saya comforted the skinny man, gently patting his shoulder. "I'm sure they'll come back! _Then_ you'll get to shoot them!"

"Stop trying to cheer me up!" David mumbled, still miffed. "Wait, why are they after you, anyway?"

"Because they want her blood!" Kai stated from behind the debating group. Instantly David whipped around, yanked out his gun, and emptied his clip.

_Blam! Blam! Blam blam_!

Pause.

_Blam_!

"What the _hell_, man?!" Kai sputtered, surrounded by smoking bullet holes.

"I'm…sorry," David blinked, slowly putting his gun away. "I…thought you were a Schiff."

"I've been sitting here the _whole_ time!"

"Oh. Then it was dark."

"We have all the lights on!"

"Well then…" David thought for a moment. "Just don't stand behind me like that. Freaks me out a little." He frowned. "Hold on, how do _you_ know what the Schiff are after? You can barely remember to _breathe_!"

"I know because I almost got lucky with one of them!" Kai explained, turning to Saya with a scowl. "Don't try to kill them and screw this up for me, ho!"

"_You're_ a ho!" Saya shot back.

"_I'm_ a ho!" Haji sang.

"We KNOW!" Everyone shouted at him. Just then, the door banged open and Riku skipped in, now dressed in old English-like clothes, as worn by Haji and sometimes Joel.

"Hey everyone, I'm back!" He said with a smile, twirling in place so everyone could admire his attire. "Check out my new threads! Aren't they stylin'? Haji helped me pick them out!"

"Yeah, we can tell," Kai drawled. "Due to the _complete_ lack of fashion sense."

"That from a boy who wears Tele-tubbies boxers," Haji grunted.

"At least I _wash_ my hair!"

Riku finally noticed the tense air in the room and stopped spinning.

"Geez," he frowned, "what's up everyone's _butts_?"

"_Shut up, Riku_!" Everyone shouted.

-Later-

Later that night, Saya sat outside the apartment at a small table-patio thing, engaged in the very important task of…SUDOKU.

"Dammit, I can't figure out where this five goes!" She cursed, once again erasing several incorrect numbers. Haji leaned over her shoulder to look.

"I think it goes-"

"Don't help me!" Saya snapped, shoving him away. Haji sighed.

"Aren't you concerned about the Schiff at all?" He asked her.

"Nope," Saya answered without turning. "I know they'll come back, and when they do…" she reached to the side and gripped her sword. "I'll kill them _all_!"

"DAMN, girl! You are turning me ON!" Haji exclaimed. Saya stared at him coldly.

"…Get the _bleep_ out."

"But…we're already outsi-"

"OUUUUUT!" Saya shouted, and Haji obeyed, slowly shuffling off into the darkness. "Hey, wait!" Saya called after him. "Tell me where this five goes first!"

-With Kai-

Meanwhile, in the kitchen of the apartment, Kai sat in a chair and stared into space, apparently on screensaver. Riku inched closer and closer to his brother, sneaking up on him unawares. Finally he was close enough to strike – with a wet willy.

"_Eeeeuuuugh_!" Kai yelped in disgust and clapped a hand over his violated ear. "What the hell you _rapin'_ my ear for, brat?!" He hollered at Riku, who shrugged.

"I dunno," he answered. "It's just that I've never seen you so deep in thought. Or thinking at all."

"A-ha, ha," Kai drawled, sitting back down and grumbling. "In a minute you won't be _breathin'_ at all…"

"Did something happen between you and Saya?" Riku ventured.

"Gawd, I _wish_…" Kai muttered.

"What?"

"Er, incest- I mean, it's just…nothing! Forget about it!" Kai shook his head and turned to his brother. "What's with those clothes, anyway? You look like a male prostitute or something."

"Haji said that was a _good_ thing," Riku stated knowingly.

"Of course he did," Kai replied, "he's a _whore_."

"Yeah, you're right!" Riku and Kai enjoyed a brotherly-bonding moment as they laughed together, but it quickly became awkward as Kai's laughter dissolved into sobs.

"Oh, Riku! I'm so lonely! Hug me!" He begged.

"I…gotta go…" Riku began inching toward the door. "Cops is on." He turned and bolted for freedom.

"Don't run away from your _feeeelings_!" Kai called after him, wiping tears and snot from his face.

-In the Other Room-

Meanwhile, in the next room, Louis was busy polishing his beloved tank while David chatted it up on the phone with Julia (the jerk didn't even ask her what she was wearing, he just wanted to talk business. A-hole).

"Yes. Yes, the Schiff are- hang on a minute." David pulled the phone away and gave Louis and the tank a strange look. "How the _fudge_ did you get that thing in here?"

"Don't ask, don't tell!" Louis answered mysteriously, holding a finger up to his lips. David gave up and went back to the phone conversation.

"Yeah, so anyway, we're going to- hold on. Heee-YAAAAH!" David's arms suddenly shot behind him, grabbed hold of Kai (who'd been stupidly standing back there) and yanked him up and over his head, then brought him crashing back down on the coffee table. Louis gaped in surprise.

"Dude, what the _hell_?!" He sputtered.

"What'd I say about standin' behind me?" David asked Kai firmly. "_Don't_!"

"…Whatever…" Kai picked himself up from the ruined table and staggered away drearily, a trail of blood in his wake. David and Louis watched him go in confusion.

"Man, what's with him?" Louis muttered. "He's bein' all emo and mopey. I thought that was Saya's job."

"Hmm…" David looked thoughtful as he rubbed his sharp chin. "You think maybe if I shot him in the face-"

"NO." Louis said firmly, back to cleaning his tank.

-Elsewhere in the City-

Down in the bowels of the city (a.k.a. the sewers, eww), the Schiff hid. Karman wandered over to Lulu's side, who was busy watching over the resting Irene.

"How's she doing?" The bespectacled Schiff asked Lulu, who sighed sadly.

"Not too good," she answered. "She was in close contact to a high concentration of stupid for an extended period of time."

"…What does that mean?" Karman asked, thoroughly confused.

"See for yourself." Lulu moved out of the way so Karman could lean over and get a good look at Irene. She stared up at him blankly for several seconds before speaking.

"…I wanna bang something." She stated.

"My GOD it's worse than we thought…" Karman whispered in horror, stepping back. "In this world, is there anyone else we can depend on?"

"George Foreman still cares!" Lulu piped up. Karman gave her a look.

"I want to be remembered!" Irene suddenly blurted out. "If I die and no-one remembers me, I'll be forgotten! I want to be _remembered_!"

"Alright, alright. Here." Karman pulled a piece of chalk out of his robe and scrawled on the sewer wall; 'Irene wuz here'. "There, happy?"

"…I'm still horny…" Irene whimpered quietly.

"Don't worry, sweetie. It'll go away soon," Karman soothed.

"I'm scared. Hold me." Irene begged. Karman hesitated.

"Are you gonna grab my ass again?"

"Probably."

"Then no."

"We need to get Saya's blood!" Moses declared, stepping forward from the shadows. He turned to a stocky male Schiff with weird metal eyes. "Batou, have you found her?" 'Batou' blinked. "Oh, right. Sorry, wrong show. That's Ghost in the Shell. You're called 'Darth' here."

"Anyway," Darth coughed, "yes, we've located her."

"Then let's go!"

-With Saya-

Saya, still outside at the table-thing, stood up and gripped her sword. Slowly unsheathing it, she held it before her, making it shine in the moonlight before _hacking that stupid piece of crap Sudoku puzzle into oblivion!_

"Take _that_, you damn puzzle! 'Easy', my ass!" Saya cried as she chopped. A quiet cough made her stop and whirl around to find Kai standing behind her (has he learned _nothing_ from David?). "Er…it asked for it."

"I'm sure it did," Kai replied, then adopted what he hoped was a serious, intellectual look. It just made him look constipated. "Saya, why do you have to fight the Schiff? It's not right! Why do you fight? Just for the hell of it?"

"Well…well, yeah!" Saya answered awkwardly, thrown off by her brother's sudden need for debate. "Man, what the heck's _with_ you in this episode? It's like you've grown a vagina or something! Suddenly you _care_ about killing and others?"

"Hey, I'm just getting in touch with my feminine side!" Kai said firmly. "And not just by trying on some of your panties! But that's besides the point!"

"Listen, Kai," Saya growled, "my whole purpose is killing! I will kill all the chiroptera- wait, did you just say you tried on my _underwear_?"

"Don't change the subject!" Kai snapped. "So you'll kill all the chiropterans, huh? Are you saying you'll even kill Haji and Riku?!" He paused. "Please say you will."

_Splat_!

"Ew…_Eeeuuuugh_! Someone just _spit_ on me!" Kai gagged, wiping at the top of his head. "Dude, _grooooss_!"

Above the feuding pair, Haji and Riku stood watching the spectacle from the rooftop, Riku wiping his mouth and grinning at Haji proudly.

"Nice shot!" Haji commented. "Now it's _my_ turn! Watch this!" He began unzipping his pants but Riku quickly stopped him.

"I, uh, don't think that's a very good idea." Haji shrugged and thankfully zipped his pants back up. The two watched as Saya and Kai continued to argue (this time about who was most likely to win America's Next Top Model), and Riku shook his head in wonder. "_Man_, those two are _bleep_ed up…"

"You said it!" Haji readily agreed. "It's a good thing I'm on her good side!"

"That's her _good_ side?" Riku muttered to himself. "Holy sweet bishop crap I _never_ wanna see her bad side." He looked up at Haji. "What can we do to help Saya?"

"Well," Haji began, looking thoughtful. "_You_ can be her pillar of emotional support, and _I'll_ be her sex machine."

"…How did I know you were gonna say something like that?" Riku sighed heavily.

-In the Street Below-

"The scent's getting stronger! Kai is close!" Mao said excitedly, tugging on the leash Okamura held in his hand. The chain-smoking journalist was using the psychotic girlfriend like a bloodhound, setting her on Kai's trail and tracking him down to this very street. Mao's sense of smell was very powerful, they were so very close! "Hurry it up! I've almost found him!"

"Ow! Don't tug so hard!" Okamura complained, his arm nearly dislocated due to Mao's enthusiasm. "Heel, girl, heel! Look, here's a treaty!" He pulled out a dog biscuit and waved it under Mao's nose. She kicked him in the balls, took the biscuit, and munched on it as she dragged him further down the street toward the scent of Kai.

"I knew I shoulda gotten a shock collar…" Okamura groaned, face scraping in the dirt.

Saya and Kai were still amidst an argument, unaware of the approaching danger.

"I'm telling you," Saya shouted heatedly, "_Anya's_ gonna be the next Top Model! She's got the beauty and the brains, plus a really funny accent! It's obvious!"

"You just don't understand!" Kai exploded. "Saya, listen to me! I looooov-"

"KAI!!"

Kai leapt in fright and whirled around to find Mao charging for him like an enraged bull, only much, much scarier. She tackled him to the ground with an earth-shattering crash, then whipped out a set of handcuffs and cuffed herself to him. "There! Now you'll _never_ escape me again! _Eeeeheeheehee_!"

"Aaaaugh! You crazy ho! What're you doing here?!" Kai sputtered, trying to get up. "And why're you laughing like the Wicked Witch of the West?!"

"Because she IS the Wicked Witch of the- SAYA!!" Okamura had just appeared after Mao and charged for Saya, also tackling her to the ground and handcuffing himself to her. "Now you'll _never_ escape me again! _Eeeeheeheehee_!"

_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM_!

Everyone froze as David appeared, firing his gun several times into the air. When silence had been in order, he gave glares all around and growled out an command.

"Someone explain before I start shooting people."

Everyone began talking at once.

-Back on the Red Shield Boat-

Meanwhile, back on the Red Shield Boat-headquarters place, Julia was busy giving a lecture to Joel and Collins. Well, it wasn't so much a lecture as a boob-fest, since the men were much more content to stare at her chest than her boring-ass slides.

"There are four DNA nucleotides," Julia was saying, but alas, all the men heard out of her mouth was, "Boobs boobs boobs, booby boobs." She began wrapping up her lecture with showing candid slides of Riku on the toilet and taking a shower and whatnot. "Riku has a fifth nucleotide since becoming a Chevalier," Julia was explaining, "which I have decided to name 'D Nucleotide'. The 'D' stands for-"

"Double D?" Joel couldn't help but interrupt.

"No! It's for-"

"_Damn_ lookit them titties?" Collins ventured, joining in.

"NO!! It's 'D' for 'Do you guys want to DIE'?!" Julia exploded, yanking a gun out from her cleavage and aiming it at them warningly. Both men quickly shut their mouths and let her continue her lecture. Collins leaned close to Joel and whispered in his ear.

"Told you she kept one in there."

-Back at the Apartment-

"Kai! Let me out of this _right_ now!" Mao demanded, twisting around in her straight jacket and glaring over her Hannibal Lector face-mask. "I'll eat your liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti! _Efufufufufufufufuuu_! KAI!!

"Kai, you didn't have to go THAT far," Saya commented, hearing Mao's stream of curses from the room she was shut in.

"Oh, believe me, I _did_." Kai stated.

"Wait, why did we leave Okamura in there with her?" Saya wondered.

"That's in case she gets hungry."

"Poor bastard."

"Okay, let's let them out," Louis said, walking to the padlocked door with mounds of furniture barricading the way. "Dear lord, who you got in there? Osama Bin _Laden_?"

"No, his female twin," Kai grumbled as Louis let Mao and Okamura out. Everyone gathered together around the table of the living-room like one big dysfunctional family. Let the fight, er, the talking begin!

"I finally found you, Saya!" Okamura declared once he saw her. "I've been looking for you everywhere and I've finally found you!"

"Geez, what is she, havin' your _baby_?" Mao grunted, giving him a look.

"Wha…no! I'm just curious about her past is all!" Okamura sputtered.

"He _totally_ wants to touch your boobies," Kai whispered in Saya's ear. She smacked him away. Behind her, Haji's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I demand to know what you're all doing here!" Mao, well, _demanded_. "I'm not going back to Japan! Not without Kai _or_ Kai's soul, I'll take either one! _Decide_!"

"I'm not going back, either!" Okamura pitched in. "I've been searching all over for Saya and now that I've finally found her, I'm not going anywhere!"

"Why did you look for her?" Louis asked curiously. "She havin' your _baby_ or somethin'?"

"Will you people stop _saying_ that?!" Okamura growled. "Look, I'm not leaving until I know more about Saya!" Every stared at him strangely. "I…I'm not a stalker. Really."

"I _knew_ something was weird when my powers of seduction had no effect on you!" Mao cried vehemently.

"What powers of seduction?!" Okamura shot back. "All you ever did was beat and insult me!"

"…Exactly. Powers of seduction." Mao stated. "Seriously, what's the difference?"

"Listen," Okamura said with a deep sigh, turning to David, "just tell me the connection between the Zoo, the Goldschmidts, and the Chiropterans!"

"Or…what?" David ventured. Okamura leaned close and whispered in his ear.

"Or I tell everyone you use diuretics and laxatives to stay thin." David's eye twitched. "I did my research." Okamura winked at him, then leaned back in his chair triumphantly.

"_Daaaaaamn_…" David hissed to himself. Diet secrets or no diet secrets, he still couldn't tell Okamura what he wanted to know. "I think you should return to Japan," he told the nosey journalist.

"NO!" Okamura said firmly.

CRASH!

Suddenly the wall exploded, and a Schiff wielding a huge hammer-like weapon appeared.

"On my way!" Okamura slung Mao over his shoulder and shot for the door. "Which way are the stairs?!"

CRASH!

Next to go was the window, another Schiff coming crashing through it into the room. Saya managed to beat them back as the others cowered away in fear.

"Let's take this outside!" Saya dashed for the broken window and leapt into the street below. The Schiff quickly followed after her while Haji paused at the lip of the sill. "…What's the problem, Haji?" Saya asked as the Schiff waited politely off to the side.

"I _can't_!" Haji whimpered. "I'm-a _scared_!"

"Here, I'll help!" Kai appeared behind him and gave him a 'helping' shove. As the wimpy chevalier fell into the street and Saya began battling with the Schiff again, Mao took her chance and went for Kai. She screeched to a halt when she caught sight of a gun in his hand.

"Don't make me use this, ho!" Kai growled, waving the weapon at her. Mao whined and backed away, not because of the gun, but because it was loaded with silver bullets. _Ssss_! As Saya fought with three Schiff in the streets outside, the door to the apartment suddenly creaked open and Lulu poked her head in, looking bashful.

"I…I didn't want to cause any unnecessary damage," she explained, gesturing at the ruined wall and window.

"Well, _thank_ you!" David gushed appreciatively. "How thoughtful!" Then he whipped out his gun and began shooting at her. Lulu dodged the bullets and would have gotten him had not Riku appeared and began scuffling with her.

"Ow! No hair pulling! Cheater! Poopy-pants!" The two rolled around on the floor, slapping and pinching like the kids they were. David holstered his weapon and went to try and break them up.

"Alright, you two! Break it up, or no Spongebob for either of you!"

"_Awwww_!"

A small noise by the window caused everyone to look, and there was Irene, having entered the apartment! Everyone stared at one another in a tense silence, not exactly sure what to do. Irene broke the ice.

"…I'm horny," she stated.

"Oh GOD not another one!" David cried in despair, pulling out his gun once again and shooting at her.

"No, Irene!" Kai hollered, shoving David out of the way and dashing to her side. His eyes widened as he saw the Thorn had gotten much worse, spreading from her neck to her face. She was obviously very close to death. "Okay, we've got no choice! Let's do it, right here and now! Take off your clothes!"

"Who's _this_ skank?" Mao hissed, magically appearing behind Kai. She glared at Irene as she lay on the ground, too weak to move. "Stay away from my man, ho!" She began kicking her in the side, adding more curses and insults as she went.

"Mao, she's _dying_!" Kai yelled.

"Damn right she is!" Mao growled, still kicking. "I'm gonna- _waaaagh_!" Karman leapt in through the window and threw Mao away from Irene, then picked up Kai and threw him against the wall for good measure. The horny boy groaned in agony as all the Schiff piled into the room and surrounded Irene.

"Dammit, I ain't NEVER gonna get some!" Kai moaned, slowly getting back on his feet.

"Give us your blood!" Moses demanded, turning to Saya as she also climbed into the room with Haji. "Give it to us NOW!"

"Wait, stop!" Kai leapt between them as Saya was about to swing her sword. "Saya, please," he begged, "give Irene some of your blood!"

"Gee, lemme think about it," Saya said sweetly. She waited several seconds. "Nope!"

"_Saya_!" Kai pleaded. "Don't you want me to get _lucky_?!"

"Kai," Saya said patiently, "the day you procreate is the day the world ends."

"Amen," everyone in the room agreed.

"SCREW YOU _ALL_!"

-Episode 28 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hmm, for some reason this one seems a bit shorter than usual. Probably because of all the boring talking during Julia's seminar and the like. Quit talkin' and do something so I can make fun of it! Well, hope you liked it! Review, please!


	29. Episode 29: The Cursed Blood

Author's Note: Oh boy, next episode! It was a bit difficult at first, but got better as I went along. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 29

The Cursed Blood

Up in the small, now partially destroyed apartment in Paris, France, Saya and her followers gathered with the Schiff around Irene, who lay dieing from the Thorn. Loud cracks snapped through the tense air as the Thorn grew stronger, making Irene cry out in pain.

"Oh, God! Oh, God, the Chiro-herpes is spreading!" Kai wailed in despair, knowing his one chance at gettin' lucky was dieing right before his eyes.

"Chiro-herpes?" Saya asked dubiously, raising an eyebrow at the Schiff. They shrugged.

"We had _nothing_ to do with that," they protested. Kai raised his hand.

"I named it mah_self_!" He declared proudly, puffing out his chest.

"I'll…bet you did," Saya assured him. "But I'm still not giving her my blood."

"Aww, come _on_, Saya!" Kai whined. "Don't be like that!" Moses suddenly detached from the group of Schiff and bowed his head in humility.

"Please…" he begged, "_please_…give Irene some of your blood…"

"I'm…over here," Saya coughed awkwardly, somewhere off to the left of him.

"What? Oh." Moses lifted his head and peered around, squinting his one good eye to see properly. Finally he located Saya and turned in her general direction. "Sorry. Hard to see. One eye and all, you know."

"Then why don't you just fix your hair?"

"Fix…my…HAIR?" Moses looked horribly confused, as if the idea appalled him. Saya gave up.

"Look, I still can't…I don't know…" Saya squirmed uncomfortably, unsure of what she should do. Irene would die without her blood, but at the same time Irene was her enemy! Ohhh, what to DO?

"Oh my gosh! What's she gonna do?!" Mao squealed, watching with delight as she and Okamura chowed down on a small box of popcorn. "This is better than _Baywatch_!"

"Aaaand _you_ would know because…?" Okamura prompted.

"Because I can kill you with this," Mao growled, holding up a popcorn kernel.

"Point taken," Okamura sighed, believing every word of it. The two turned back and continued watching the spectacle, since they literally had nothing better to do.

Suddenly Saya remembered her father, who'd died horribly after being turned into a chiropteran and receiving her blood.

"Wait! Doesn't my blood _kill_ chiropterans?" She wondered aloud.

"Yeah," Kai hissed, leaning close, "but _they_ don't know that!" He turned to the Schiff and spread his arms. "Alright, fellas! Saya's blood, thirty bucks a pop! Who's first?"

"Do you take traveler's checks?" Darth asked curiously.

"_Auuuuuuugh_!" Irene screeched in pain, the Thorn spreading even more violently.

"Irene, honey," Kai sweetly asked her, "could you maybe _shut up_? I'm trying to make a sale over here and your cries of anguish are disturbing my clientele."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Irene whispered back. "How rude of me. I'll try to DIE a little quieter for you."

"Thanks, sweetie!" Kai gave her a wink and went back to business.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance!!"

"Kai, I never said I'd give them my blood!" Saya butted in.

"Wha? Buh…" Kai's dreams of swimming-pools filled with money went out his head like all his other thoughts. "Saya, please! I'll…I'll…I'll stop being so annoying!"

Everyone gasped aloud, and a silence descended in the room.

"Do it, Saya!" David hissed. "For all of us!"

"Think about the _children_!" Louis joined in, holding Riku close to him.

"Think about the _bitches_!" Okamura added, holding Mao close to him.

"Who said you could touch me?!"

"Oh, alright, alright! I'll do it." Saya heaved a sigh as everyone cheered.

"You're gonna be okay, Irene!" Kai said, crouching down next to her. Irene smiled weakly up at him.

"If I'm cured," she whispered softly, "can we go on another walk, Kai?"

"HELL no!" Kai guffawed, rolling his eyes. "My _bunions_ be _achin'_!" Saya kicked him out of the way and knelt next to Irene, holding out her freshly-cut hand to the girl.

"What?" Kai asked, disappointment clear in his voice. "No mouth to mouth? No kissy-kiss? Nothing?"

"No! She's a girl!" Saya snapped.

"…_Exactly_."

"You're all a bunch of _pervs_!" Saya shouted at the men.

"HEY!" Okamura leapt up indignantly. "You can say that about Haji and Kai, but _not_ me!"

"You travel around the world with an underage girl who strips and sleeps in the same room as you," Saya growled. "Sit the eff down."

"…Alright, ya got me." Okamura sighed and sat back down. Haji patted his back.

"Welcome to the club!"

Ignoring the many idiots around her, Saya held out her hand and helped Irene drink some of her blood. A few seconds later, the Thorn began receding from her face, and everyone gasped in delight.

"She's gonna be okay!" Kai crowed with triumph, throwing his arms in the air.

Suddenly Irene screamed in pain, the Thorn coming back with a vengeance.

"…Oh shit!" Kai quickly lowered his arms. The Thorn continued to spread until all of Irene's body was covered in cracks and she stopped moving. Then her head fell off. "It's okay! It is _okay_!" Kai assured the others, picking up the disembodied head and attempting to place it back on the brittle neck. It fell off again, then shattered into red dust. "Okay, yeah. She's dead." The rest of Irene's body followed suit, cracking loudly and shattering into pieces. Saya's eyes filled with tears and she tried to apologize.

"I'm-" CRSSH! "I'm-" CRASH! "Sorr-" CRSH! "Sor-" CRASH! "Will you shut UP?!" Saya yelled at the crackling corpse. After a few moments of silence, she tried again. "I'm sorr-" CRASH CRACKLE CRSSH!! "_Really_?"

"You tricked us!" Karman cried, leaping to his feet and attacking. The two groups scuffled, Louis and Darth over the remote, Riku and Lulu over a brand new toy. Luckily Moses was there to shut them all up.

"_That's enough_!" He hollered, bringing everyone to a standstill. "You two are in time-out!" He told Lulu and Riku, who hung their heads. "As for the rest of you," he addressed the remainder of the Schiff, "it's as the scientist from Kilbed told us; you're all mortals, and you will all die naturally when your time comes. In very horrible, painful ways. Sucks to be you."

"…Way to cheer us up, Cyclops," Karman muttered, then waited for several seconds as if expecting something. "Awww, Irene isn't here to break up our fights anymore! Now we'll probably end up tearing out each other's throats. This _sucks_!"

"Listen," Moses spoke to Saya and the others, "we were made from Diva's blood, so therefore Diva's blood must _save_ us…"

"Yeah," Saya snorted, "good luck gettin' blood from _that_ bitch."

The Schiff gathered around Irene's ruined body and gently picked up the pieces, trying to put her together like a jigsaw puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle made of crystallized blood and meat. _Mmm_. It was a lot more difficult than one would think.

"I think these are her ears…"

"Idiot! Those are her _fingers_!"

"Shut up! You're the one holdin' her cheeks!"

"They're the ones from her _face_, pervert."

Finally the Schiff stepped back to admire their handiwork. The newly put-together Irene looked like a sinful abomination against God.

"Good as new!" Karman picked the jigsaw-Irene up and slung it over his shoulder, ready to leave. Kai stopped them before they could.

"Hey, wait! What about togetherness?" He begged. "Let's all fight Diva _together_!"

"Sorry," Moses said over his shoulder as the other Schiff leapt into the night, "but _you're_ too damn annoying. Laters!" He disappeared into the darkness and left everyone standing around awkwardly.

"Well," David finally said, clearing his throat. "_That_ was fun."

-Aboard the Red Shield Boat-

Back on the huge Red Shield boat, busty Julia and skinny Collins were busy working away in the science lab. Well, not so much 'working' as Julia prattling on and on about her life goal to get David to sleep with her and Collins holding back on putting a gun to his own head.

"-and he won't even _look_ at me!" She was saying, Collins rubbing his temples beside her. "What the hell's wrong with that man, huh? Sometimes I wonder if he's a eunuch, but then I took that picture of him in the shower so I know he's definitely not. _Then_ I thought maybe he was gay with Louis before realizing _no_ sex is safe from that steaming pile of Sexual Chocolate. I mean, _seriously_, that man is-"

_Ring, ring_!

"Oh thank GOD." Collins offered a prayer to the merciful God who'd delivered him from this torment and answered his ringing cell-phone. "Hello? Yes. Yes- can you hang on? The bitch with the huge tits is listening." Julia craned her head around and shot him a venomous glare. "Ooh, now she's givin' me a sexy look. Think she digs me."

"GET. OUT." Julia ordered, pointing firmly at the door. Collins hurriedly obeyed, scuttling to the exit where he continued his phone call.

-Elsewhere-

"Au revoir!" Mr. Argeno snapped his phone closed and put it away, having finished his conversation with Collins. He turned to the bearded and eyelashed form of Amshel, who was standing before a crackling fireplace and admiring the dancing flames.

"Alright, Frenchie," Amshel growled, glancing over his shoulder at the Frenchman, "tell me why you're here."

"Well," Mr. Argeno began, "_first_ I'd like to tell you that your pants are on fire."

"Huh?" Amshel glanced down and noted that his privates indeed were ablaze from standing too close to the roaring fireplace. "_OhsweetDivacrap_!" After a string of manly curses and beating at his pants with his hands, the blaze was extinguished and Amshel panted for breath as he forced himself to calm down. "Oh my God, hold on, I have to count my bottom eyelashes and make sure they're all still there. One…two…_and_ three. Alright, we're good." He straightened, breathing a sigh of relief before noticing Mr. Argeno was still in the room. "…Who're you again?"

"I'm Van Argeno?" Mr. Argeno coughed politely. "I got Collins to spy for us? I got info on the 'Double D' nucleotide?"

"Double _D_?" Amshel mouthed to himself in confusion as Mr. Argeno got ready to leave.

"Would you like a candy?" He asked before departing. Amshel snorted.

"No thanks. I don't like sweets."

"Sir?" A servant poked her head in. "Your double-chocolate-chip cake is here."

"Not NOW, dammit!" Amshel snapped, making the servant squeak and duck back out. He glared at Mr. Argeno. "Are you gonna get the _bleep_ out or what?"

"Sure, sure. Call me!" Mr. Argeno winked at Amshel, then skipped out the door. Amshel turned back to the blazing fireplace, the light playing shadows across his face as the camera zoomed in. Slowly, a hand raised into view and delicately applied mascara to his immaculate three bottom eyelashes. How _sinister_!

-The Next Day, Back at the Apartment in Paris-

Kai was taking a shower. And I just lost half of my readers. Thankfully the loyal half kept reading even after I said these abominable words. Kai winked at the camera (which thankfully stayed around chest-level) as he scrubbed Head and Shoulders into his flakey scalp.

"Just for _you_, ladies!" Kai said sweetly. "It's about time for some fan-service, eh? I'm happy to obli-"

_Knock, knock_.

"Dammit!" Kai stumbled and slipped out of the shower to the door, which he wrenched open violently. "_WHAT?!_"

"My eyes! My EYES!!" Saya fell back screaming, clawing at her face in agony. Kai stood there like a goon and didn't even try to cover himself up.

"Umm…it's not usually that small!" He protested. "I was taking a cold shower, I swear!"

"Then why is the mirror all fogged up?" Haji asked pointedly, tending to Saya's shattered psyche.

"Er, that's an easy one," Kai coughed. "It's because-" He quickly slammed the door shut so he wouldn't have to think up a lie.

Later, everyone gathered at the table for lunch as Kai emerged from the bathroom, squeaky clean and thankfully clothed. Saya sidled past him and moved toward the door. "I'm going to the brother's pe- LIBRARY! I'm going to the library to look up pen- GOO!" She snatched up her bag and ran out.

"Geez, what's with _her_?" David wondered aloud.

"I have NO idea," Kai stated, sitting down at the table. "So, what're we having? Some guilt with a side of indecent exposure? My _favorite_!" He began chowing down heartily as everyone around gave him strange looks.

Outside, Saya found Haji and Riku waiting for her (in the bushes, no less). She sighed and decided to allow them to tag along.

"Hey, Haji," she said, "how's your pe- I mean, how are you doing? Damn, I gotta get _outta_ here!" She hurried down the street as her devoted chevaliers followed dutifully behind.

Back up in the apartment, David was actually _eating_! Well, he _did_ lick up some salt before pushing his plate away. It counts!

"_I'm_ full!" He stated, rubbing his shrunken belly.

"You're full a _somethin'_, alright…" Okamura muttered, stabbing at his food with a fork. David raised a thin eyebrow.  
"Excuse me?" He growled. "Look, as much as I hate to admit it, you both are now involved in this mess. And to top it off, you two are complete weaklings-"

Okamura gave a loud snort and rolled his eyes at Mao, who scowled.

"_What_?!" She snapped. "If this is about that man I ripped in half, he shouldn't have looked at me like that! …Or at all." She loudly slurped from her cup as if nothing was wrong.

"Okay…" David corrected, "so _one_ of you is a weakling and the other is a complete _psycho_-"

"Hey, skinny man!" Mao slammed her drink down and stood up. She jammed a hand into Okamura's shirt pocket and withdrew a small bundle of pictures, which she slapped onto the table in front of David. "You wanna see these pictures floating around Paris?!"

"…I dunno, I kinda like them." Louis commented as he inspected a few.

"Huh?" Mao looked down at the pictures, which turned out to be sexy shots of Okamura in his underwear. "Oops, sorry. Wrong photos." She handed them back to the red-faced journalist (but not before pocketing a few for herself) and quickly found the real set of pictures she was after – incriminating photos of Saya during Vietnam, fighting Carl, etc. "_There_! You want me to run screaming down the streets, throwing these pictures around? I'll do it, don't underestimate me!"

"Don't underestimate her!" Okamura added in a whisper, having once made that fatal mistake. David simply rolled his eyes, snatched the pictures up, and burned them to ashes with a lighter.

"_What_ pictures?" He asked innocently.

"_I hope you all die_!!" Mao screamed at them.

-With Saya-

Saya, meanwhile, was enjoying a rather nice walk through the lovely streets of Paris despite having Riku and Haji on her heels, chatting about the wonders of 'I Love New York'.

"Seriously, when's the next one comin'?" Riku drawled. "You _know_ she ain't stayin' with Tailormade because he's _totally_ got a vagina! I wonder who'll be on next in place of the midget? A mentally challenged person?"

"I just wanna see her freaky mother!" Haji commented. "I _swear_ she looks like a Klingon! That or a he-she."

Suddenly the two boys noticed Saya's lack of speaking, or even shouting at them. What was up? Riku sidled up to her and whispered in a soft voice.

"Saya," he begged, "please don't grow to hate Kai…"

"Too late," Saya snorted, walking a bit faster.

"Saya!" Riku hurried to catch up. "Saya, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Of COURSE I'm not okay!!" Saya exploded, rounding on them. "I'm questioning my whole purpose of living, I got cramps, and I just saw Kai's _weiner_! _Gawd_!" She burst into tears and attempted to flee, but was stopped by Haji, who stepped in her path and tried to hug her. She struggled and swore, trying to get away. "No! Stop! Go away!"

"_LET ME LOVE YOU_!!" Haji hollered, still trying to get his arms around her.

"Not with you pants down, you stinking pervert!"

"Oh, fine! _Picky_!" Haji pulled his pants back up and gave Saya a big hug, holding Riku back with one foot so he couldn't get in on any of the action. "_My_ Saya-time! _Mine_!" He hissed, glaring at the boy.

"Selfish!" Riku crossed his arms and pouted. Saya and Haji had a sweet moment as they stood hugging one another right in the middle of a busy sidewalk with blaring traffic driving right next to them.

_Honk, honk_!

"Get a room, you two! Mon _Dieu_!"

"They don't call this the city of romance for nothin'!"

"Give me my sword." Saya growled.

"_Later_, sweetie," Haji promised, holding her a little tighter.

-Back at the Apartment-

"I'm _not_ leaving!" Mao shouted, glaring at Kai.

"Just go home!" Kai groaned, having had enough of the rabid girl. "We have enough minor characters already! You're just slowin' the storyline down!"

"I want to support you!" Mao continued in a softer, sweeter voice. "Don't you see that I care for you? I'll do…_anything_…"

Louis whistled suggestively.

"Shut it, fatty!"

The quarreling pair left the building, leaving Okamura with David and Louis.

"I agree with Mao, I'm not leaving, either!" Okamura declared, giving David a hard stare. He went on in a softer, sweeter tone of voice. "I'll do…_anything_…" He gently touched David's hand.

"Alright, alright!" David shook him off, disgust clear on his face. "You can stay. But not for free! We expect you to _work_." He thought for a moment. "You're now in charge of washing Louis' underwear."

"Here's your uniform!" Louis said cheerily, handing Okamura one of those plastic radiation suits and a belt-sander. "Watch out, we had Mexican last night. Well, hop to it!"

"…Is it too late to leave?" Okamura asked weakly.

"YES." David said firmly.

"Horseballs!"

Outside, Kai stormed down the sidewalk in a huff. He didn't even turn around when a shoe clocked him upside the head. The foot apparel was quickly followed by a purse, then a large mailbox. Finally Kai got the point and whirled around.

"WHAT?!" He snapped.

"Pay attention to me!" Mao snarled, lowering an old granny she'd been getting ready to throw. "I want to _help_ you!"

"I said go home!" Kai repeated angrily, kneeling to give Mao back her thrown shoe. "Why won't you listen to- _WOW_! Nice legs!"

"Thanks, I just got them waxed!" Mao preened with pride. Until she opened her eyes and saw he was looking at a completely different girl.

"Damn she's hot!" Kai whistled. Mao's eyes narrowed dangerously as she clutched her shoe.

"Kai," she said in a sinister voice, "wanna hear a riddle? It goes like this; I'm gonna shove this shoe someplace where the sun don't shine. Here's a hint; it's going up your ass."

Kai gulped and began sweating.

"…Can I have another hint?"

-With Saya-

The hug-fest finally over, the three non-humans continued down the street. Haji began talking quietly about how he'd spent his time here, waiting as Saya slept the decades away.

"I enjoyed the city at night the most," Haji said dreamily, staring up at the buildings as they walked. "The bars, the strip clubs, the-" Saya gave him a look, "-_churches_," he finished with a cough. "The city was so beautiful, I loved it all. The feel of cobblestones beneath my feet, the scent of the damp air, the sound of car horns, the-"

"AAH-_CHOOO_!" A dirty hobo suddenly sneezed violently all over Haji, who blinked several times before speaking.

"…Bless you," he stated, covered in hobo-snot.

"Up yours!" The homeless man grunted, flipping him the bird before shambling off in a daze.

"Yeah, so, anyway," Haji went on, "we chevaliers will _always_ be with you, Saya." There was no answer. "Saya? Hello? Saya?" He turned to find Riku, trussed up and gagged. "Damn, she escaped!"

-Elsewhere-

Amshel once again stood in front of the blazing fireplace (this time staying a healthy distance away so as to not scorch his precious privates again), James the chevalier sitting on a couch behind him. For some reason the black man found it necessary to say 'word' and 'dawg' after every sentence Amshel spoke. He was quickly getting tired of it.

"Red Shield is in Marseilles-" Amshel was saying.

"Word," James interrupted.

"-but now is not the time to move-"

"Dawg."

"-as I do not wish to-"

"Word up, brah."

"Will you _desist_?!" Amshel hissed, whirling at the man. "James, what the hell is the matter with you?! Why do you keep saying 'word' and 'dog' after everything I say?!"

"Hey, hey!" James narrowed his eyes. "My name's not James anymore. It's Lil' J. Get it right, _bitches_!" Amshel gave him a glare. "Er, I mean sir."

"You are taking this 'rapper' business _way_ to seriously," Amshel muttered, turning back to the fire. "Anyway, we must contact the other chevaliers!"

"Word."

"_Will you stop doing that_?!"

Nathan, who was at a fashion shoot with Tyra Banks at the moment, answered his phone and scowled.

"What, right now?" He groaned. "Ugh, FINE. You suck, Amshel." He hung up the phone and turned to the over-the-top supermodel. "Tyra, baby, I gotta go. Kisses!"

"You're leaving? But then you'll miss the best part!" Tyra complained. "ME!"

"I know, honey. Why do you think I agreed so fast?"

Solomon, meanwhile, was at his office also on the phone with Amshel, who'd just contacted him. They were just saying their goodbyes when the door to his office creaked open and a familiar-looking shadow dashed in. Solomon dropped the phone and began scuffling with the shadow, which turned out to be Karl, the one-armed, one-legged chevalier with an unhealthy obsession with Saya.

"Can I get you boys anything?" A secretary asked sweetly, poking her head into the office. "Coffee? Energy drink? Some blood?"

"No, Beverly," Solomon answered, draped over the table. "But thanks!" As the door clicked shut, Solomon grinned wryly at his opponent. "I've got to…_hand_ it to you, you sure know how to throw a surprise party."

"Sorry, Solomon," Karl chuckled darkly, "but that's the last hand joke you'll ever crack. Behold!" He held up his formerly disfigured right arm, now normal and whole! What the?! Solomon gave a disappointed groan and stomped his foot.

"Ohh, you're no fun at all! _Now_ how am I supposed to spend my time with you?!"

-With Kai-

Kai stood at the Eiffel tower, once again enjoying the beautiful view. This place held memories for him – of meeting Irene and _almost_ getting lucky. Glancing to his side, he was surprised to find Saya there. He watched as she withdrew a hand from her pocket and let a small left-over piece of Irene's crystallized body crumble into dust and blow away in the wind. …The wind that was blowing right toward him.

"_Auuugh_! Irene's _dead_ body in my eyes!" Kai screeched, scrubbing at his eyes frantically. Saya blinked and looked guilty.

"Oops."

-Episode 29 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hey, I'm almost to the big three-oh! _Whoop_! I'll probably start freaking out once I reach the four-oh's, because then I'll be almost done. I'm getting there, slowly but surely! Hope you liked this one! Review, please!


	30. Episode 30: Joel's Diary

Author's Note: This chapter came out pretty good despite the _complete_ lack of anyone actually _doing_ anything in the whole damn episode. It was all just flashbacks and talking! _Sheesh_! Hopefully there'll be more actual 'doing' stuff in the next episode. Hope you like it anyway. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 30

Joel's Diary

Saya stood in one of the many streets of Paris, staring sadly up at the sky as the rain came pouring down. She was depressed, thinking back on all the times she'd given people her blood and the resulting pain and suffering it caused. Riku, turned into a chevalier, George, killed by it, Irene, at first saved, then also killed. …Man, Saya's a blood _whore_, ain't she? Anyway, she mumbled quietly to herself as the rain pitter-patted around her.

"What's with my blood?" Saya wondered. "Why is it…different? Do I…have AIDS or something? Sickle-cell? What?" As she mulled over her thoughts in silence, a car suddenly sped by, splashing her all over with dirty street water and candy-bar wrappers. "_HEY_!!" Saya sputtered in rage. "Way to ruin the mood, jackass!" She backed this up with several expletives, then turned to find Kai standing wide-eyed behind her. "Oh. Hey Kai." She paused awkwardly. "In my defense, that guy _totally_ deserved being called a mother-_bleep_ing _bleep_-head." Saya suddenly noticed he was holding an umbrella. "Aww, how sweet! You brought me an umbrella!" She reached out to take it but Kai pulled back.

"Nuh-UH, girlfriend!" He snapped, wrestling the umbrella away from her. "Get your _own_!" Saya sighed heavily, then looked at Kai with a serious expression.

"Kai, what am I?" She asked him. Kai scowled.

"Well, right now, you're gettin' my shoes all wet. Could you, like, move or something?""

"That's _not_ what I meant, Kai," Saya growled, a bit of her old self surfacing under the lame emo-ness she was now exuding. "I mean, what AM I?"

"Look," Kai sighed, rolling his eyes, "if you _really_ wanna know, why don't you read Joel's diary?"

"_HOW_?!" Saya yelled at him. "That leg-obsessed freak is half a million miles away on a boat in the middle of the ocean! How the HELL am I supposed to find him?!"

"Easy!" Kai stated. "Like this!"

-On the Red Shield Boat-

Saya blinked. Suddenly she was on the Red Shield boat, standing in Joel's leg-filled office, standing in front of his desk. Joel himself smiled at her from behind it, cradling a weighty tome in his arms and waiting expectantly.

"Holy _crap_!" Saya gasped, looking around in surprise. "How the hell did I get here so fast?! Was it time-travel?! A worm hole? And why is my _wallet_ missing?! Heck, I didn't even get motion sickness like I usually do!"

"Amazing, isn't it?" Joel chuckled softly. "Well…here you go!" He held the large book out to Saya. "Since it IS the thirtieth episode and all, I suppose it's the appropriate time for you to read this diary and find out about your freaky past. Enjoy!"

"It's about dang time!" Saya snatched the book from him and flipped it open. "_Finally_, I can learn what I am and where I can fr- _BLARRRGH_!!" Suddenly she heaved violently and threw up all over the book. "…_There_ it is…"

"Instant time-travel can do that to a person," Joel said gently, patting her back. "Just take some Pepto and you'll be good to go!"

"But…your book…" Saya said weakly, looking down at the vomit-covered book with shame. Joel also looked at the book, his eyes filling with tears.

"Ohh, how _could_ you?!" He sobbed. "My priceless heirloom! You've destroyed it! Why, God, _why_?! Why allow this to happen?! I can't believe _IIIIII'm_ just kidding," Joel finished with a smile. "We digitized the whole diary _ages_ ago. Here!" He handed Saya a small laptop so she could read the diary from there. Saya stared at it for several seconds, then used the fouled book to knock Joel upside the head before taking up the laptop and flipping it open.

"Stupid a-hole…that wasn't funny…" Saya muttered to herself, eyes skimming over the contents. She quickly began learning about the life of the very first Joel Goldschmidt and how he was connected with her. It turned out he had been a collector of rare animals and plants, which he kept at the Zoo with him. Sometime in his life, he found a strange mummy in Iceland, which was pregnant. The mummy was called…_Saya_.

"Wait a minute…" Saya whispered to herself in awe. "I was _pregnant_?!" She paused. "Haji, get the EFF in here!!"

"I didn't do it, I swear!" Haji protested from the other side of the door.

"No, not you!" Joel struggled back to his feet and shook his head to clear it. "Your _mother_ was pregnant!"

"Oh." Saya blinked. _"HAJI!!"_

"Will you _listen_?!" Joel took a breath and explained. "Joel found your mother, a mummy from Iceland, which he called 'Saya'! It was already pregnant when he found it so Haji didn't knock her up! Alright?" Saya nodded warily. "Alright. Now, it's time for a flashback! _Back…back…back…"_ he echoed, waiting for the flashback to arrive.

"…What the _bleep_ are you doing?" Saya asked.

"…T…trying to make it go into a flashback…" Joel whimpered softly.

"Oh, come on!" Saya huffed. "You know those stupid things only appear when you least expect-"

-Flashback _Tiiiiime_!-

In the flashback, two men (one is the very first Joel, who looks like this time's Joel with a crappy moustache, the other is Amshel, I figured it out by his _eyelashes_! Haha!) stood in a basement-laboratory, the horrifying mummy of Saya's mom Saya (confusing) spread out on a small table between them. Joel raised an eyebrow and looked at his assistant, Amshel.

"…I'll give you ten bucks if you touch it," he stated.

"Ew, NO!" Amshel snorted in disgust.

"…Twenty."

"DONE!" Amshel hopped onto the table and gave the mummy a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Haha, man, for _thirty_ bucks I'd a gotten _intimate_ with it!"

"DUDE!" Joel gave him a look of appalled disgust.

"Or…not…" Amshel cleared his throat and quickly scrambled off the table. As the two men began inspecting the mummy, they noticed a strange, membrane-like skin connecting the creature's arms to its legs, like a chiropteran, or bat!

"Joel, do you realize what we've _found_?" Amshel asked quietly. Joel nodded.

"_Duna duna duna duna, duna duna duna duna, BATMAAAAAAN!!"_ The men sang together.

"Get back to work!" Someone shouted down the basement stairs, making the men jump in surprise and quickly pretend that they had been doing something relevant. Finally they picked up some sharp implements and began dissecting the creature (with much disgusted groans and moans), finding two cocoons inside the belly! Wanting to know what was inside, Amshel grabbed a knife and attempted to cut open one of the cocoons, but to no avail! The chrysalis was harder than a UFC fighter's head (and those are _damn_ hard, those idiots bash walls in with them! I've seen the show!), and no amount of force could get it open. Only after a lab 'accident' where Amshel attempted to stab Joel to death for mocking his lashes was any progress made - when blood was dripped onto the cocoons, a reaction occurred. After a short while, two tiny infants emerged from the chrysalises, twin girls! Joel and Amshel quickly made up and began caring for them.

"Alright, which one of us in gonna be the dad and which one is gonna be the mom?" Joel asked, holding one of the girls in his arms. Amshel scowled.

"I'm _not_ being the one with the vagina!" He protested mightily.

"You _have_ to be the mom!" Joel insisted. "You have the _eyelashes_ for it!"

"My lashes are manly, you hear?! _Manly_!" Amshel sputtered. "And it isn't like we're a _real_ mom and dad, anyway!"

"…Then why have we been having sex every night this week?"

"CHANGE THE FREAKIN' SCENE!!"

-Back to the Present-

"And so, _you_ were treated like a princess, living with Joel in his priceless mansion, while Diva was locked inside a gloomy tower with only minimal sustenance, and wasn't given love, education, or human contact. She was also told she was fat and couldn't read good. Poor thing."

"Geez, no _wonder_ she's such a bitch!" Saya exclaimed. She whirled around and glared at the ghost of the very first Joel. "Nice going! Diva's all _your_ fault, Joel! Thanks a lot!" The ghost of Joel simply shrugged and winked at her.

"Sorry, toots! Couldn't help mahself!"

"A-HEM," Joel coughed. "May I continue, please?"

-Flashback! …Again!-

Many years later, when Saya had stopped aging, to everyone's confusion, she was picking flowers in the garden while Joel (now aged and elderly) studied her a few feet away through binoculars, studiously taking notes as he watched her skip around the yard. Suddenly she slipped and fell to the ground with a cry.

"Saya?! What's wrong?" Joel dropped his things and hurried to her side.

"I slipped in _dog_ doo-doo!" Saya wailed, looking at her ruined dress.

"Oh," Joel said with a hint of disappointment. "I was hoping you'd hurt yourself and I could finally see if you had some strange recovering ability or something." After a short pause, he suddenly shoved her into a nearby rosebush as she squawked indignantly.

"Owch! What'd you do _that_ for?!" Saya hollered as she stood up, her many thorn scratches healing before Joel's very eyes.

"Amazing!" He gushed, eyes bright. "Let's see that again!" He shoved Saya back into the thorny bush.

"_Awk_!!"

-Aaaaand Back to the Present Again-

"In the end, Joel realized he was too old and would probably die before finding out everything about you," Joel was explaining to Saya. "So he gave up everything else and decided to focus on your…_reproductive abilities_."

"Hello?" Haji suddenly poked his head into the room. "Did someone call?"

"Out!" Saya snapped, giving him a glare.

"But I'm your love-slave!" Haji protested. "Your pimp-master! Your sex-daddy! Your-"

"I said get OUT!" Saya hollered, chucking her chair at the door for good measure. Haji ducked out of the way just in time and closed the door with a slam. Saya took a breath and turned back to Joel. "Okay, what else?"

"There is no 'else'," Joel told her sadly. "Joel's diary stops here. See this watch?" He held up an antique-looking golden pocket-watch whose hands stubbornly refused to move. "This was Joel's. It stopped telling time when-"

"You forgot to wind it?" Saya guessed.

"No, it was-"

"You didn't replace the batteries?"

"No, it-"

"You-"

"NOOO!!" Joel exploded and glared at Saya. "It stopped telling time the night Joel _died_! He was killed by Diva at his birthday party, remember?! _Someone_ let her out!"

"Oh. Right." Saya immediately remembered being the one who let Diva out of the tower. "…I have NO idea who that 'someone' could possibly be."

-Aaaaand Back to Flashback (Feelin' Sick Yet? I Am)

Once again, Saya played in the beautiful gardens of the Zoo, the elderly Joel sitting at a nearby tree keeping an eye on her. Saya suddenly froze, cocking her head to the side as if hearing something.

"…I hear…someone singing," she said softly. Joel frowned.

"Oh, um, that was me," he coughed, clearing his throat. "_You can find me in da club, bottle full of bub…_" He stopped singing and looked at Saya. "How was that?"

"…My ears are bleeding." Saya replied blankly. "Please don't _ever_ do that again." For many days after that, Saya searched the Zoo for the mysterious singer, looking high and low for her. Finally she found a suspicious-looking tower and called up to it.

"Hey up there! My name's Saya! What's yours?"

"…I don't have one," the singer quietly answered from above.

"Okay, I'll give you a name!" Saya thought for a moment. "How about…Lady Smith and the Black Mumbazo?"

"How about…I come down there and rip out your throat?" The voice answered irritably.

"Alright, bad choice!" Saya rolled her eyes. "How about…Diva?"

"Diva…?"

"Yeah, like them crazy singers, Diana Ross and Whitney Houston! Those ho's be nuckin' _futs_!" Suddenly a blue rose fell from the tower and smacked Saya in the face with its thorns. "Owchies!"

The flashback continued to play out scenes we'd already witnessed in earlier episodes, of Saya acting like a secret agent, pilfering Joel's key, and letting Diva go free before running off to the cliffs to nearly kill Haji. Oh, what heart-warming memories!

-Back to the Present-

"-And when I find the stone-cold bitch that let Diva out," Joel was saying with quiet severity, "I'm gonna kick her right in her cottage-cheese ASS!!"

"Hey!" Haji cried indignantly through the door. "Saya's ass is NOT cottage-cheese! It's…um…biscuits? Hell, I don't know, but it is HOT."

"Shut up, Haji!" Saya snapped, but it was too late.

"YOU let Diva out?!" Joel gaped at her, appalled.

"Er…_possibly_…" Saya coughed, trying her best to look innocent. "She told me she was good at catering, so I let her out, alright?! It sounded like a good idea at the time! Besides, what're _you_ gonna do about it?!" Joel couldn't help but note Saya's sword not two feet from her and gulped.

"Well, I guess this is pretty much it." He raised his finger and shook it at her disapprovingly. "Bad Saya! BAD! You let the evil psycho bitch out! _Shame_ on you!" He lowered his finger and went on. "Because of you, Diva totally crashed Joel's party and killed everyone! Plus there's the time you went completely nuts in Vietnam, but that was during spring break so it's perfectly understanda-"

"No, wait!" Saya jumped at him. "Tell me about that! About what happened!"

"Oh, alright." Joel took a deep breath and continued in his 'narrator' voice. "We, the Red Shield, had heard Diva and some chiropterans were in Vietnam, so we entrusted you to the former David and sent you there."

"Hold on!" Saya interrupted. "_Former_ David?"

"Yes," Joel nodded. "The now-David's father. He was just as sickly and anorexic as David is now."

"What is it, a _requirement_?!"

"Pretty much," Joel shrugged and went on with the flashback.

-Oh Boy, _Another_ Freakin' Flashback…-

Once arriving in Vietnam, David (the former) and his team tried to wake Saya up (who at the time was in her thirty-year sleep cycle) numerous ways (alarm clock, bear mace, cold bucket of water, etc.), but finally had to settle for injecting her with some of Haji's blood. Too bad they royally fudged it up and instead accidentally injected her with blood from Brittany Spears. And you can _guess_ just how crazy she went.

"Who here's gotta car?!" Saya asked, suddenly standing up and glaring at the soldiers surrounding her. "Gimme the keys so I can go crash it!"

"She's outta control!" A commanding officer cried. "Shoot! For the love of God, SHOOOOOT!!" The men obediently took up their weapons and fired at Saya, but to no avail. She quickly incapacitated all of them (while also stealing their credit cards and wracking up huge financial debts) and ran out of the tent.

"It wasn't my fault! I could hear a song and it was making me crazy!" Saya protested. Joel gave her a look.

"Oh, come ON. No song is THAT bad." Saya stared back at him blankly, then uttered a single word.

"_Mm-bop_."

"My GOD…" Joel whispered in horror.

Back in the flashback, Saya, still in her crazed state, had followed the insanely annoying song and found Diva's container, but before she could attack it, Karl appeared!

"Saya, at last we meet!" He cried joyously, flying out of the night sky in his chiro-form. Saya glared at him.

"Are you a skuzzy back-up dancer with kids whom I can marry then later divorce and have a custody battle with?!" She asked in one breath. Karl stared at her in confusion.

"Um…no?"

"THEN DIE!" Saya threw herself at him, and the two tumbled around in a deadly battle. Finally Karl managed to pin her to the ground and was about to strike when a scandalized voice interrupted.

"HEY!!" Haji appeared from the shadows, glaring at Karl. "No-one gets on top of my lady but _me_!" He paused. "And sometimes…vice-versa."

"Just shut up and get OVER here!" Saya howled at him, still struggling with Karl. Haji obliged, and together they were able to beat Karl, Saya slashing off his left arm with her sword.

"NOOO!" He wailed in despair, staring at his severed appendage. "Now I'll have to put up with _hand_ jokes for the rest of my life! You _bitch_! I'll remember this!" He spread his wings and took to the skies, sobbing dismally. Saya had already forgotten about him and dashed toward a nearby village, her Spears blood still pumping strong.

"Where's the barber shop?!" She screeched once she was in the village. "I wanna shave mah head and get me a tattoo!" The townsfolk all screamed in fear and ran for their lives. This, of course, upset Saya, who lunged at a small child to exact her rage.

"No, Saya! Stop!" Haji leapt in the way and managed to block her. "I won't let you-"

Saya kicked him in the nuts.

"Owwww! You kicked me!" Haji moaned, falling to the ground clutching his privates. "And I didn't even DO anything this time! What is _wrong_ with you, girl?!"

Saya rolled her eyes and dashed off into the night to find more prey.

-Back to Saya Again (Gonna Puke…)

"Oh, I'm _horrible_!" Saya sobbed, remembering all the terrible things she'd done that night. "I killed all those innocent people! Doing all those crazy things just to get attention…I'm no better than…than…_Hilary Clinton_!"

"Whoa! Saya!" Joel recoiled in shock. "Calm down! You are NOT that bad! Seriously, give yourself a break!" He gave her back a gentle pat. "Now let's get back to the horrible massacre you caused with your insatiable bloodlust and rage."

"_Guuuh_!"

-Enough With the Flashbacks Already, _Gawd_!-

Finally, the fighting was done. Bodies lay on the ground, bloodied, dead, or dying. A younger George Otonashi strode around the ruined campsite, helping other soldiers clean up the bloody mess left by Saya's rampage. He stopped at a particularly thin body and wrote a note on his clipboard.

"Death…by…starvation- _holycrapthat'sDavid_!" He dropped to his knees next to his dieing friend and gently eased him up. "Hey, you alright? Say something!"

"George…" David weakly opened his eyes and gazed up at his friend. "Please, take care of that girl covered in blood," he begged, gesturing toward the blood-drenched Saya laying a few feet away. "She didn't mean to kill everyone, she was just…on her period or something. _Please_…" He gripped George's arm tighter as he began fading away. "And also…tell my son…the thinness…is strong…with this one…_urgh_!" He fell over, dead. George sniffled and hugged his friend.

"Oh, David! I'll never change this shirt again! I _promise_!"

…And he never did.

-Aaaaand Back to Saya-

"Daddy…" Saya sniffed back tears as she came to know the circumstances surrounding George and his adoption of her. How sweet, how heart-breaking, how-

"Do you mind?" Joel awkwardly interrupted. "You're…getting snot all over my new Dell."

"Oh. Sorry." Saya handed back his computer, which he quickly wiped down with Clorox disinfecting wipes. "Joel?" Saya suddenly asked. "Do you regret taking the name of Joel?"

Joel stared at her blankly. One arm slowly moved to open a desk drawer and brought out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"No, of course not," he answered quietly. "Whatever made you think that?" He took a deep swig of the alcohol and grunted. "Ohh, that's _good_." He quickly dissolved into body-wracking sobs, which Saya took as her cue to leave. She gently closed the doors as Joel collapsed onto his desk and began sobbing into his arms.

-Ge-AWD! Another Damn Flashback!!-

Saya, dressed in luxurious silks and jewelry, was getting ready for bed. As she eased herself into her sleeping coffin, she looked up and gave Haji a wink.

"Haji, remember your promise!" She reminded him. Haji frowned.

"…The one where I sleep with you?"

"No. No, the other one."

"Oh, yeah, right." As Saya lay down against the padded cushion inside of the coffin, Haji began lowering the coffin lid to shut her inside so she could sleep.

"Oooh! Wait, I gotta pee!" Saya hopped out of the coffin and dashed to the bathroom. Haji sighed and waited for her to come back and get back in so he could start lowering the lid again. "Hold on, I'm thirsty! I need a glass of water! Did I brush my teeth? Am I wearing clean underwear? Did I forget to-"

"_Hurry up and get IN there_!" Haji exploded, snatching Saya up and hurling her into the coffin. He paused before shutting the lid. "There room enough for me in there?"

"_No_."

"FINE!" Haji slammed the lid shut and sat on it for good measure. Silence stretched out for several long moments. "NOW what am I gonna do for thirty years?!"

-_Finally_…Back to the Present…-

Kai stood in the rain, trying to look as sad and thoughtful as Saya had in the beginning of the episode, but only succeeding in looking like he was holding in a particularly nasty fart. He blinked as Saya suddenly appeared beside him, an umbrella in her hand.

"Aw, hey, you brought me an umb- _OOF_!"

Saya cracked him over the head with the umbrella and would have jammed it up his ass if she hadn't wanted to get it dirty.

"_That's_ for before!" She snapped. "Now, let's head back." She and Kai walked off down the street, meeting up with Haji and Riku a short way down. As the small group stopped at a busy intersection, Saya leaned over and whispered into Haji's ear.

"I remembered our promise." Haji looked at her, an eyebrow raised in interest. "…No, not that one. The other one." Haji's face fell.

"I will follow you wherever you go," he told her despite his disappointment. "…And try to touch your boobies."

"Great. I knew I could count on you." Saya replied, then shoved Haji into oncoming traffic.

-Episode 30 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, there ya go. I love how this one ended. Anything with Haji being physically harmed is gold in my book. Hope you liked it, and hopefully I'll do better next time if there's no mo' freakin' talking and flashbacks. Later! Review, please!


	31. Episode 31: The Shield to be Broken

Author's Note: Hmm, for some reason I was able to have a whole lotta fun with this episode despite the fact that I was feeling down this week. I wonder why? Oh well, this came out good and I was happy with it, so enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 31

The Shield to be Broken

It was a lovely day in the city of Paris, France! The sun shone down on the bustling city, citizens walking the streets and gang-bangers mugging people in the alleyways. Cars puttered on down the roads, and the window to an apartment opened, revealing Saya as she stepped out onto the small balcony and smiled up at the sky.

"Mmmm! What a b-e-a-_uuuu_-tiful day!" She declared to all. "Look at that sun! Hello, Mr. Sun!" She waved at the burning orb of fire and light cheerfully.

"Honey, are you high?" Mr. Sun asked, a bit concerned at her sudden emo-to-annoyingly-chipper-overnight-transformation.

"Nope, even better!" Saya replied with a smile. "I'm on _Valium_! Whoo, I can _fly_!" She spread her arms wide and went dashing back into the building.

"I think I liked her better when she was morbidly depressed…" Mr. Sun grumbled to itself.

Inside the apartment, Saya dashed to the bedroom and leapt onto Kai's bed, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Kai! Wake up, sleepy head!" She shouted as she bounced. Kai cracked an eye open, regarded her for a moment, then rolled over and hid his head under the blankets.

"Come back dressed in a bikini with a pie, and maybe _then_ I'll think about it," he grunted. Saya threw back her head and hooted.

"Oh, you're so silly!" She giggled. This time Kai's eyes flew open and he bolted upright, staring at her insanely.

"What? No threat of bodily harm? No _actual_ bodily harm?" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Saya. "Who are you and what have you done with my sister?! Wait, what are you going to do to ME?!" He paused, suddenly looking thoughtful. "Seriously, tell me nice and slow, I wanna take notes and stuff."

"Come on, breakfast time!" Saya sang, grabbing hold of his arm and yanking Kai out of bed and to the table. There she plunked him down in front of several plates full of charred food.

"…I see Riku helped," Kai stated, poking at the blackened meal.

"Shut up and eat," Riku glared at him from across the table. "I hear charcoal is good for curing 'a-hole', which you most obviously are suffering from."

"Why you little-"

"I know! Let's go _shopping_!" Saya suddenly suggested. "Kai, you can come with us and carry all our bags!"

"Look, I got the bridle and cart all ready for you!" Riku exclaimed, holding up the shining reins for him to see.

"I HATE shopping," Kai grumbled, his face buried in his plate. "And is it just me, or is this the gayest opening…EVER? I'm surprised that cop hasn't showed up and shot us all yet. I mean, come ON, it couldn't be gayer with rainbow-colored _poodles_."

"Quit complaining, and let's go!" Saya, still high on her prescription meds, shoved Kai, Riku, and Haji to their feet, then propelled them out the door. The small group spent the next few hours walking along the busy streets of Paris, shopping at stores here and there.

"Oooh, those boots are HOT!" Saya exclaimed, gazing at some high leather boots displayed in a window. "And they're on sale, half off! I want them!"

"Not if _I_ get them first, girlfriend!" Haji declared, dashing for the door.

"Cheater!" Saya shot after him as they began struggling over the foot apparel, oblivious to the staring crowd of customers with them in the store.

"Hurry it up, Kai!" Riku, still outside, called behind him. Kai struggled up the street, a large cartful of packages and bags being dragged behind him.

"Slow DOWN!" He panted between gasps. "I'm gonna break my leg!"

"Oh, you don't want to do that," Riku told him. "Because then we'd have to shoot you to get you out of your misery!"

"Oh, ha, ha," Kai drawled, "very funny."

"…I'm totally serious right now, Kai."

"SON of a-"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the large city, David and Louis were on a walk of their own (minus the human-slave additive and implied horse-style death). David took a deep lungful of the sweet air and smiled at Louis.

"Well," he said brightly, "Saya read Joel's diary, so she knows everything about herself now, and she _still_ came back to us! It must be because she's finally accepted me as her surrogate father!" He puffed out his chest and beamed with pride.

"Erm," Louis cleared his throat awkwardly, "actually, I promised her sloppy joes for lunch today, so-"

"DAMMIT, Louis!" David stomped his foot, then whirled around and stormed off in a huff.

"You can have some, too!" Louis called after him. "Oh, wait, you don't eat. Damn! You can…smell them? Come on, David! Don't be like this!"

-In the Garden/Museum Place-

Also in the French city, Diva lay on her back in the garden/museum place with bones and pillars, playing with a small doll before chucking it at Karl's head for target practice.

"I don't like that doll anymore!" She declared to her devoted chevalier. "…_Eat_ her."

"Seriously?" Karl asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. Do it. Right now." Diva stared at him intently.

"…Alright." Karl sighed deeply, then ate the doll with much cracking and crunching. "I'm gonna have blood in my stool for a _week_…"

"I know what I want!" Diva said suddenly. "I want that boy!"

"Boy? What boy?" Karl asked after painfully swallowing. "You mean-"

"SHHHH!" Diva slowly held up a finger and pointed at the camera. "They're _watching_."

"Oh. Oh!" Karl finally got the message. "You mean _that_ boy!" He winked several times at Diva, who scowled.

"Is there something wrong with your eyes?" She asked.

"No, Diva," Karl answered with a sigh. "There's nothing-"

"Because seriously," Diva went on over him, "it looks like you've got astigmatism or something. You need some eye-drops, or laser surgery or whatever. Just get your effing eyes fixed, alright?!"

-With Saya-

The three shoppers (and one loaded-down cart horse) stopped at a nearby café for lunch. Kai was still being his surly self and Saya's chipper attitude wasn't really helping any.

"You want some cake, Kai?" She asked, sitting down next to him.

"N-"

"Good! I wasn't gonna give you some _anyway_!" Saya and Haji wolfed down the confectionary treat in a matter of seconds. Riku didn't touch his plate, content with giving Kai the evil eye.

"_What_?" Kai growled at him.

"Be nice to her!" Riku whispered. "You could at least _try_! Put your arms around her or grab her boobs or something."

"Hey, that is _my_ job!" Haji hissed, his face covered with cake. "But really, you _are_ kinda being a jackass to her. What's up? You gotta hangover or is the fact that you're never gonna score finally getting to you?

"_Everyone just leave me alone_!!" Kai sobbed, jumping to his feet and running away. The others watched him with little interest.

"Horray! More cake for us!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the large, French city, Julia and the skeletal Collins, whom she was physically stronger than, sat waiting in a room furnished with expensive-looking sofas and chairs. Julia glanced around and looked uncomfortable.

"Professor," she asked in a nervous whisper, "why are we here? Are we…on Candid Camera? Being Punk'd? Where's Ashton?"

"No!" Collins snapped, scowling at her. "Those shows are fifty years old and not done anymore. Now it's all about the whores lookin' for love! Anyway, we're here to tell these people about our work. This way we'll become famous for all our information on Chiropterans!"

"But David-" Julia began, then remembered all the times David _didn't_ sleep with her. "Oh, _bleep_ David! This is my _good_ side!" She swiveled to her right side and posed, which mostly involved pushing her chest out (like it needed it). Suddenly the door to the room opened, and Van Argeno (_gasp_!) waltzed in and strode over to them.

"It's so nice to meet- _le boobies_!" He blurted out, having laid his eyes on Julia's impressive rack. She gave him a scalding look.

"Okay, that wasn't _even_ French," she stated matter-of-factly. Mr. Argeno shrugged.

"At least I tried!" He returned, then smiled at her. "So, how have you been, mon cherie? I haven't seen you since…_college_." He winked suggestively, making Collins raise an eyebrow at them.

"Yes, I remember," Julia replied coolly, pausing for a moment. "You were gay then."

Collins snorted and sputtered loudly, trying to contain his laughter. Mr. Argeno glared and firmly cleared his throat.

"_Changing_ the subject," he coughed, leaning an arm on a nearby sofa, "I-"

_CRACK_!

The Frenchman had apparently succeeded in dislocating his shoulder, because that's what if freakin' looks like in the episode! If you don't believe me, go back n' look!

"…I seem to have hurt myself rather badly," Mr. Argeno said quietly. "Excuse me!" He gently took hold of his ruined arm and hustled out of the room, leaving Julia and Collins alone yet again.

"He hasn't changed a bit," Julia said, sighing to herself. "Still a scoop of fruit."

"Hmm…" Collins looked thoughtful. "You wouldn't happen to have his num-"

"_NO_."

-Back with Saya-

Haji, Riku, and Kai were standing in a small convenience store, all looking uncomfortable as they stood in the feminine hygiene aisle, surrounded by sanitary napkins, tampons and the like. Riku narrowed his eyes and looked up at the shelves.

"Okay, which kind did Saya want? The ones with wings, or ones without?"

"I'm not doing this!" Kai blurted out. "I feel _weird_!"

"Oh, please!" Haji snorted, grabbing an armload of the nearest pads. "Whoo! Lookit me! I'm buying pads for a _girl_! She's got a vagina and _everything_!" Everyone in the store turned to stare intently at the three boys. "See, no-one cares."

"I hate you," Kai stated, his face turning bright red.

"You're welcome."

-Meanwhile…-

While the three boys were busy buying pads for Saya, Louis and David were sitting on a bench in the street, yakking away. Finally Louis stood up, ready to return to headquarters and…I dunno, do stuff, mebbe? He paused and looked back at David, who was still sitting on the bench and reading some documents.

"Hey!" He called to the skinny man. "You should buy Julia a present!"

"Present?" David made a confused face. "Dur, I am man. Dur, I no understand. What kind of present, a bra or something?"

"As inappropriate as that sounds," Louis replied thoughtfully, "I think she'd like it. Later!" He gave one final wave and walked off down the street. David enjoyed a few moments of silence before the overwhelming feeling of being watched hit him. He looked up, narrowed his eyes, and gripped the handle of his gun. Someone was there, coming closer, closer, CLOSER-

"Have you accepted Jehovah almighty as your one and only savior?" A sinister voice whispered in his ear.

"_GAAAAHHHH_!!" David whipped around, pistol drawn, and came face to face with a smug-looking Solomon. "Oh. It's just you. Don't scare me like that, I almost shot you!" Holstering his gun, he turned so he and Solomon sat back-to-back on the benches. "Now, what the heck do you want?"

"Nothing much," Solomon replied innocently, crossing his legs. "I just came to tell you that in three days, we will launch an attack on the Red Shield Headquarters here in Marseilles."

"What the- three days from- _how do you KNOW that_?!" David leapt up from his seat and swiveled around to stare at Solomon. "Are you psychic?! Quick!" He squeezed his eyes shut. "What am I thinking about?!"

"…Not eating?" Solomon guessed after a moment.

"Holy crap, they DO exist…" David whispered, opening his eyes and gazing at Solomon in awe.

"Will you sit _down_?!" Solomon grumbled. "We're still not done yet."

"Oh yeah." David quickly sat back down and cleared his throat. "Why tell me this? Why warn us?"

"Because," Solomon answered simply, "I don't want anyone to kill Saya. But in the words of my brother, I don't give two craps about the rest of you. Bye!"

"Hold on just a-" David whirled around to find the bench behind him empty. "I…I'm NOT crazy! _Guuuh_!" He sprang from his bench and went wailing down the street. A lone police officer narrowed his eyes at him, and muttered into his radio.

"Niner, niner," he reported, "I've got a crazed starving hobo running loose through the streets, permission to use lethal force if necessary, and maybe even if not?"

"Granted," came the answer over the radio. "Be careful, hoboes can be quite dangerous. Especially the starving ones."

"Copy that," the cop replied, drawing his gun and following after David.

-Later-

"Joel? Joel!" David clutched the phone he was speaking into like it was the holy grail and threw a grateful look heavenward. A stern-looking police officer kept a watchful gaze on him as the skinny man sobbed into the phone in the middle of the police station. "Thank GOD you're there! Listen; Diva's gonna attack the Red Shield headquarters here in three days, so we gotta move back to the boat! Alright?" He paused. "Oh, and by the way, you wouldn't happen to have ten thousand dollars in bail money, would you?"

"_Bail_ money?!" Joel sputtered over the phone. "What did they arrest you for, indecent exposure of your _cheekbones_?!"

There was a short pause from David's side of the line.

"_Damn you psychics_!!" He hollered into the phone before slamming it down.

And all this time, Saya, Haji, Riku, and Kai were unaware of the approaching danger, skipping around the city and taking family-rific pictures in a photo booth. Haji tried to squeeze into the tiny booth along with them, but Saya kicked him back out with a firm; "No! _Family_ moment!". Haji had to make do with chasing pigeons until they were done.

-Later…_Again_…-

Saya, Haji, Kai and Riku hustled around their small apartment, packing up all their belongings at the insistent orders of David. He stood off to the side, arms crossed, surveying everything.

"Hurry it up!" He yelled. "There's no time! Haji! Quit hiding underneath that box like an idiot and put some crap in it! _Now_!" Kai hurried past the yelling man, then screeched to a halt and slowly looked back. Yes, he was right. David's face _was_ plastered with so much makeup he looked like a two-cent whore.

"…What the hell happened to you?" He couldn't help but ask. David scowled.

"My cell-mate, Dog-Faced Killah, told me I looked pretty with it on," he stated, "but that's _besides_ the point! Get packin'! And hurry it up or I'll shove you into one of these boxes and _mail_ you there!" He paused, looking thoughtful. "Actually, I think I'll do that anyway! Where's the tape?"

"I'm packing! I'm packing!" Kai wailed, dashing away.

-Elsewhere-

Mr. Argeno strode down the hall next to his eyelashed hero, Amshel. Despite his arm being in a sling, the Frenchman looked quite happy.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Amshel!" He gushed, gazing at him with rapt admiration. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming here to meet with Professor Collins and Julia Huge-ti-"

_Ring, ring!_

"Excuse me." Amshel whipped out his phone and answered it nonchalantly. "Hello? Yes, this is Amsh- What? She- _What_?! Slow down, man, slow down! WHAT?! WHEN?! WHERE?! OH _BLEEP_! OHHHH, MOTHER-_BLEEP_ING SON OF A _BLEEP_ WITH _BLEEP_ ON THE SIDE AND _BLEEP_ FOR DESSERT! _BLEEEEEEP_!! OKAY, DON'T MOVE, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!!" He snapped his phone closed and gave Mr. Argeno a look. "I…gotta go."

Back at the garden/museum place, Solomon hung up his phone and sighed. That Diva, running off with Karl without even asking for permission! She was _so_ being grounded when they found her! James and Nathan were also there, helping look for the missing psychotic wench.

"Why aren't you helping, Nathan?!" James asked irritably, seeing Nathan lounging on one of the chairs and not doing much else.

"I'm not gettin' all _sweaty_," the homosexual sniffed in disgust, then winked at the black man. "But it suits you! _Groooowl_!"

"Dude, you'd better get your freak OFF!"

"Will you two shut up and help me look for Diva?!" Solomon hollered at them. "Nathan, I will piss on your designer clothes, and James, I will bust a cap in your ass! Got it?!"

They got it.

-Later…-

"Wow! We're high up!" Saya squealed in delight, looking though the window of the helicopter they were riding on their way back to the Red Shield boat. Riku and Haji sat behind her, while Kai (who at the time was ralfing into a small barf baggy) sat beside her in the cramped vehicle. "Here, let's look at the pictures we took in the photo booth!" Saya suggested, pulling out a small package. She giggled as she flipped through the pictures. "Hee hee! Look, there's me! Oh, and there's one of Riku and Kai! How sweet! And the next one is _ohmygodHaji'spenis_!!"

"Huh?" Riku blinked in confusion and leaned forward. "Which one did you say?"

"Nothing!" Saya said innocently, having just eaten the picture to dispose of it. She glared back at Haji sitting behind her, who winked in response. She quickly folded her chair back and crushed his legs as punishment.

Back at the abandoned apartment in France, Mao and Okamura stared at the emptied rooms in shock.

"They…they left us!" Mao gasped. "They just…fricking LEFT us! They can't do that! Why? WHY??"

"Why, WHY??" Okamura joined in, sobbing on his knees. "Why did they leave me alone with HER??"

"Oh, you want some o' this?! Because I'll be more than happy to give you some!"

Meanwhile, back at…wherever it is, Julia stood with Collins in the hall of the building, getting ready to leave.

"I'm sorry," she told him with a sigh, "sure, the fame and money would be great, but I want to give David ONE last chance to sleep with me. Plus I find your sexual advances both disgusting _and_ creepy. Goodbye!" So saying, she spun on her heel and walked off down the hall.

"I could have been everything to you!" Collins called after her retreating form. "Ah well…at least I've still got Argeno…"

-On the Red Shield Boat-

Saya and company had finally arrived to the relative safety of the huge Red Shield boat. Because he was now a chevalier also, Riku had the privilege of getting a room with Haji. He sat on the bed, staring across at the perverted man nervously.

"Haji," Riku suddenly said, "how can we get Kai and Saya to make up already? I feel like it's really stressing Saya out."

"Well, there's only one solution," Haji answered matter-of-factly. "We have to kill Kai. It's the only way to get Saya to stop worrying about him! I volunteer myself to do it."

"Um, how about a way that _doesn't_ involve murder?" Riku asked.

"Oh, well then…I got nothin'." Haji shrugged.

"You _never_ have an opinion," Riku sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, I do!" Haji argued back. "I prefer Saya's pink panties to her polka-dots one!"

"…That's not what I meant, Haji."

As the soldiers aboard the boat prepared for any possible attack, Riku found Kai and began pleading with him to play catch with Saya, as a bonding exercise.

"Come on, please?" He begged. "It'll be fun, I promise! Why can't you just be normal with Saya?"

"But…she saw…my _thing_," Kai whimpered, placing his catcher's mitt over his crotch. Riku resisted the urge to punch the mitt and instead patted his brother's shoulder.

"Look, it'll be alright," he promised him. "Just please…_try_…"

"Oh, alright," Kai finally agreed. "Saya, catch!" Whirling around, he whipped the baseball straight at Saya, who couldn't duck out of the ball's way in time and went down with a mighty crack to the head. "…Oh shit!"

"Okay, I think you tried a _liiittle_ too hard there!" Riku coughed.

"Kai, you bastard!" Saya roared, getting back to her feet and dashing over. She leapt on Kai and began beating the stuffing out of him. Kai, despite the pain, smiled up at Riku and laughed.

"Look, Riku! I'm doing it! We CAN be normal again!"

"See, I told you so!" Riku cheered, clapping his hands.

Suddenly Saya paused in her assault, looking a bit sad and reflective. Kai squinted his black and blue eyes up at her, concerned.

"Kai," Saya said in a quiet whisper, "I have something…to tell you. Once, in Vietnam, I…I…_littered_!!"

"OH MY GOD!!" Kai gaped at her in shock.

"Naah, just kidding!" Saya giggled. "All I did was kill a bunch of NPC's."

"Geez, don't scare me like that!" Kai growled. "You almost made me think you'd done something _horrible_! Now let's play ball!" The siblings enjoyed a round of catch on the large upper deck of the ship, at the end of which Riku handed out their photo-booth pictures to everyone (Haji's penis not included).

"You really need to smile next time!" He told Kai, eliciting laughs all around.

"Yeah, and Saya needs to not look so constipated, either!" Kai joined in, then got shoved over the railing by her. Heading back inside the ship, the siblings couldn't help but notice all the preparations going on. Guns were being loaded, doors barred, Solid Snake was there- wait, _what_?

"Man, what the heck's going on?" Saya wondered to herself.

"Saya!" Riku interrupted her thoughts. "Come on, let's play another game!"

She agreed, and they sat down to play Scrabble. Halfway through the game, though, things took a turn for the worse as a strange, ominous song whistled through the air.

"Wow, 'Diva'! Good job, Saya!" Riku congratulated. "And on the triple word score, too! That's 24 points!"

"_What_?!" Saya looked down at the board and found she had indeed spelled out Diva. Uh-oh! This can't be good!

"Hey, my 'go' here was pretty kick-ass!" Kai argued hotly.

"Yeah, all TWO points of it!" Riku shot back.

"Oh yeah? Well I bet 'pubes' is SO not word! You just made it up!"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!" Saya suddenly hollered, quieting the bickering pair. "Don't you get it?! _Diva_ is _here_!!"

"Oh, please, Saya," Kai scoffed, "there's NO way she could be-"

_KA-BOOOM_!!

A massive explosion shook the ship.

"_Bleep_ it! Run for your lives!" Kai was about to dash off, but froze as he looked down at the Scrabble board. "Anyone got any extra 'a's? I wanna spell 'aaaah' right here."

"This is _horrible_-" Saya was whispering to herself.

"Yeah, I know, I would have gotten, like, fifty millions points with it and won-"

"_Will you shut up about Scrabble_?!"

Elsewhere on the ship, Diva, in a funny bun-dress combination, stood with her loyal chevalier Karl, surrounded by the soldier's they'd just slaughtered.

"Where's that boy?" She asked ominously. Karl blinked at her.

"You mean-"

"_Don't say it_!!"

-Episode 31 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, well, well, next episode is the one you've all been waiting for. I'll definitely try my best with it to make everyone happy. Oh, and by the way, 'pubes' _is_ a word, and I know because my mom and older sister argued about it for HOURS while they played Scrabble. Help me. Hope you all liked this one! Later! Review, please!


	32. Episode 32: Boy Meets Girl

Author's Note: Here it is, episode thirty-two! The big one! The grand-daddy of 'em all! The- okay, you get the point, this is the episode pretty much everyone has been waiting for. And I'll have to admit, this freaked me out a little, knowing everyone was anxiously awaiting to see how I'd screw the story up. So I kinda sorta had a little nervous breakdown, but don't worry! Soon after my shattered psyche had become a gelatinous goo, I gave myself a slap and said "Come on, you can do it!" And you know what? I did! This episode was an absolute joy to write, and I hope it doesn't disappoint any of you! Now what are you waiting for, reading this stupid author's note?! Hurry up and read the chapter! Go, go, go! Oh, and don't forget to review, please.

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 32

Boy Meets Girl

Kai and Saya sat on deck the Red Shield ship, the latter sitting on the formers stomach and looking distraught. Kai, his face covered in bruises, looked up at her with concern in what could be seen of his features.

"Kai," Saya said softly, "I have something…to tell you…I…hang on!!" Her head snapped up and she looked around, a scowl on her face. "What the hell?! Didn't we _already_ have this conversation?!" Kai screwed up his face and thought hard.

"Hey, yeah, we did!" He agreed, smoke trickling from his ears. "Those cheap bastards, re-using thirty seconds of last episode's footage! Son of a-"

_Ka-BOOOOOOMM_!!

Just as in the last episode, an explosion rocked the boat, making it sway dangerously on the choppy sea against a brilliant orange sunset.

"What's going on?!" Kai gasped in fright. "Is Riku cooking or something?!"

"…I'm right here," Riku stated, giving Kai a seething glare.

"…So?"

"God I hate this family."

-Elsewhere on the Boat-

Elsewhere on the boat, a line of agents equipped with guns stood before a smoking crater on the upper deck, obviously the cause of the loud explosion a few moments earlier (and not Riku's cooking, as we all thought). One agent gulped nervously and glanced over at another.

"Hey man," he asked, "you got a nametag?"

"No," the other agent answered. "You?"

"Nope." There was a pause. "We're so effing dead." Suddenly a shadow leapt from the crater and slew several of the agents in a matter of seconds. "_See_?!" The agent gurgled, then died. Poor bastard.

"Hahahaha! Pathetic fools!" Karl laughed, dispatching the last few remaining agents and cackling maniacally. He leapt back to Diva's side, his hair blowing in the wind and his cape billowing dramatically behind him-

"Ooof! Oh, _bleep_ it!" Diva swore and struggled out of the smothering cloak that had whipped around her, then grabbed Karl by the collar and hauled him close. "For the last time, Karl, get your cape _trimmed_. I am NOT telling you again!!"

"Yes, ma'am," Karl whimpered in response.

-With Saya-

Now inside the large boat with her siblings and man-slave, Saya stood frozen as a familiar song whistled through the air.

"It's…that song again!" She whispered. Kai grunted.

"Man, they will NOT stop playing that damn 'Love Song' by Sara Bareilles!!"

"Not _that_ one!" Saya snapped. "It's Diva! …Although I _am_ getting a little sick of that song. They play it _waaay_ to much-"

"Saya!" Haji called out warningly, and Saya turned to see that a thick metal door had begun lowering, blocking off the hallway. Saya glanced at her siblings.

"You two go meet up with David!" She told them quickly. "I'm going on ahead!"

"Awww, let us come with you!" Kai begged, pulling on her sleeve.

"Do you _want_ to be horribly massacred and torn apart by my evil twin sister?" Saya asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Is…is this a trick question?"

"We understand, Saya," Riku butted in, grabbing hold of Kai and pulling him away. "We'll go. Just come back safe!"

"Of course!" Saya turned and strode over to Haji, or she would have if the lowering door hadn't gotten in her way. After rubbing her bruised face, she leaned back and attempted to slip under the door limbo-style. "Ooh! How low, can ya go? How low, can ya go?"

"_Saya panties_!" Haji squealed with delight, clapping his hands. Saya hurriedly scuttled under the door and busted his kneecaps with her sheathed sword as the door shut and hid them from view.

"…Thank God we're on _this_ side," Riku sighed as the door reached the ground. With a long, loud farting noise, the door finally sealed off the hall. Riku stared at Kai accusingly.

"It…it was the door," Kai insisted.

"Then why does it smell like baked _beans_?" Riku asked.

"Because…it…had them…for dinner?" Kai gave up. "Alright, so it was me. Let's go see David!" He grabbed Riku by the arm and hauled him off down the hall.

-In the Break Room-

In a large break/meeting-type room complete with a long, rectangular table and chairs all around, Louis and David sat staring at a number of screens showing video footage from the cameras sprinkled along the interior of the huge ship. On them, Diva and Karl could be seen, wreaking havoc on the vessel. Suddenly the doors to the room burst open, and Joel came striding in.

"What's the dilly-oh?!" He demanded to know, then grinned and winked at the audience. "A-haha! Get it? It's the name of the- okay, yeah, nevermind."

"Well, Diva has appeared," David reported, gesturing at the screen with a skipping Diva, "and Foster is just about to retaliate against the burglars." He pointed to another screen, where Jody Foster glared at the camera and swore.

"Get the _bleep_ out of my house!!"

David then turned and stared meaningfully at Louis for several long seconds.

"Dude," Louis ground out, "I am _not_ the black guy from that movie."

"Then why do you have a drill?" David queried, hands on his hips.

"Nunya damn _business_!" Louis huffed, hiding the drill behind him.

"This can't be the attack they warned us of," Joel muttered to himself, watching the screens. "She may be acting independently…but then what is Diva _after_?"

Once again David turned and stared at Louis, who snarled at him.

"Dude, she is NOT after the money in the safe! This is NOT Panic Room!" He exploded, getting to his feet and storming toward the door. "Enough with the Foster jokes already! They're not funny and no-one's gonna get them! _Geeezzz_!"

"…I got them," Joel stated as the door slammed shut.

-Elsewhere in the Ship-

In a small hallway somewhere inside the ship, a group of agents stood waiting anxiously, fingering their weapons and sweating a bit. …Ew. They didn't have to wait long, as suddenly the door at the end of the hall smashed open, and Diva came skipping through, smiling sweetly at the men.

"Fire!!" The leader ordered instantly. The men hesitated.

"I dunno, sir," one man protested. "She's…kinda _cute_…"

"Of course she is! Evil bitches are _always_ cute!" The leader snapped back. "Now FIRE!" All the men immediately fired their guns in completely different directions. "…I meant at HER."

"_Oh_," the men chorused, pointing their guns at Diva and firing. Too late, however, as Diva was already kneeling on the ground amidst them, out of the line of fire.

"Ooh! A quarter!" She picked up the coin and frowned. "Nope, it's a dime! That makes me mad! Die!!"

…And everyone did.

Up by the outer railing of the ship, Kai snuck a peek down the darkened hall leading into the interior. All was silent, but he still wasn't convinced.

"Stay here," he told Riku, reaching into the back of his pants and withdrawing his gun. "I'll go take a look!"

"Kai…" Riku stared at the gun in his brother's hand with restrained disgust and horror. "Where were you _keeping_ that?!"

"You _don't_ wanna know," Kai said seriously, then paused. "Louis taught me."

"Is it…like his chocolate bars?" Riku asked. (For more information on Louis and his chocolate bars, re-read Episode 16, but seriously, you're better off just wondering.)

"…Yes. Pretty much," Kai answered. An uncomfortable silence passed between them. "I…gotta go." He slowly inched away, turned, and walked into the wall. Giving his head a shake, he scuttled off into the darkened hall, leaving Riku all on his lonesome. Gee, _that's_ safe! After several long, quiet moments, Riku began to feel uneasy.

"Where are you?" A voice suddenly asked, and Riku jumped in surprise.

"Who's there?!" He whispered, trembling in fright.

"It's…Ronald McDonald!" The voice answered.

"Wow, really?!" Riku brightened. "I can't believe- no, wait! You can't fool me! You're probably Michael Jackson! Stay away!" He backed up, hugging himself tightly, and walked right into-

"BOO!!"

Kai.

"_Auuuuugh_!" Riku whirled around and kicked his older brother in the groin. In Kai's defense…wait, there _is_ no defense, he actually deserved it this time! Wow! Kai collapsed to the ground and clutched his privates in agony.

"Owww! Okay! Okay, _seriously_," he groaned, "I'm gonna have nothing left there by the time this series is over!"

_Ka-BOOOOM_!

Another explosion rocked the boat, fire and debris blasting out into the ocean.

"Will you stop _cooking_?!" Kai yelled at Riku, who pouted.

"I'm RIGHT here! It wasn't ME!!"

"Oh, right." Kai staggered to his feet and placed a hand on Riku's shoulder. "Come on, David's hiding- er, I mean, _waiting_ in the break room for us. Let's go!" Together the two headed off, Riku still feeling a bit uneasy about the creepy voice.

-Several Minutes Later-

Diva skipped out of the hallway, looking left and right along the deserted railing. No Riku. Darn! She angrily stomped her sneakered feet- okay, wait, _what_? Sneakers and…a _dress_? Not to mention _buns_? Come on, girl! Where's your fashion sense?! You'd be on Kojo's worst dressed of the year list with that outfit! _Geez_!

"Aww, where'd he go?" Diva sang, ignoring my insults and closing her eyes. She began using her awesome chiropteran powers to find her prey. _"…Eeny-meeny, minee-mo! Catch a Riku by the toe!_" …Okay, maybe not _awesome_ chiropteran powers, but you get it!! "-_and Saya is a fat ASS_!" She opened her eyes and promptly ran into the wall.

Elsewhere, Saya and Haji ran out onto the upper deck of the ship and stopped in horror as they surveyed the destruction around them. Bodies of men lay left and right, draped on the ground and flung over railings. Saya paused thoughtfully before calling out.

"Anyone here half-dead so we can pump 'em for information?!"

"Sorry, sweetcheeks, they're _all_ dead!" A mocking voice answered. Saya turned to find Karl grinning down at her, seated on an upper railing of the ship. "Look!" He said excitedly, displaying his new arm to her. "I got a new arm and leg! Hahaha! I'll bet you're scared now, hmm? I bet you're _trembling_-"

"Dammit!" Saya exploded. "Now I can't crack any hand jokes anymore!! This blows!!"

"There's still the Jackie Chan thing," Haji added from behind.

"No, no, that's run its course," Saya sighed, waving a hand dismissively. "Alright, Phantom!" She said dangerously, glaring and unsheathing her sword. "Where's Diva?!"

"Sorry," Karl laughed, "but you have to dance with me first!"

"B…but…" Saya protested awkwardly, "but these _really_ aren't the right shoes, plus I'm all _bloated_, and the only dance I really know is the Macarena!"

"…I meant _fight_."

"Oh." Saya blinked. "I don't have time for that crap! Sic 'im, Haji!" Saya's loyal chevalier shot toward the enemy, barking and foaming at the mouth in fury. Saya left them to duke it out and slipped into the ships interior to continue her search for Diva. Haji fought valiantly with Karl for several minutes, showing off his admirable fighting skills by whipping out his cello and playing several songs while he fought.

"Ooh! Ooh, I spit hot fire! You can't _stop_ this!" He called tauntingly.

"Actually, yes I can," Karl replied, and promptly ran him through with a gross spear-thing shot from his new hand. Hey…cool! I want one!

"F…f…_fffiiiiive_…" Haji whispered in agony, apparently still keeping count.

"Don't stand in my way, side-kick!!" Karl spat at him in disgust.

"Look who's talking!" Haji hissed back. "_M…minor character_!"

"Why you-!!"

-Inside the Ship-

Meanwhile, deep inside the ship, Kai, Riku, and a bunch of unnamed agents (God help them) stood waiting in yet another dimly-lit hallway, muttering amongst themselves and loading their weapons. Kai stood next to one agent, speaking to David over a radio.

"Alright," Kai was saying, "we'll take the elevator and meet up with you in the break room. _Khht_."

"Kai," David sighed heavily, "_please_ stop saying _Khhht_ after every sentence."

"Roger that. _Khht_."

"Alright, enough already!!" The agent snatched back his radio and shoved Kai away from him, already sick of the boy's stupidity. Kai wandered over to Riku, who stared at his feet nervously.

"Don't worry, Riku," Kai consoled him. "We'll be alright once we're with Skeletor! You'll see!"

"Yeah, sure," Riku agreed as the elevator in front of him dinged and slid open. Riku took one look and froze.

Diva stood inside, one foot propped up on the wall as she pumped her Air-Jordans.

"…What?!" She asked the crowd gaping at her. "I need the support! I got flat arches!"

Kai didn't hesitate. He grabbed Riku and ran like hell.

"You guys take care of her!" He called behind him. "I'm counting on you, er, what were your names again? Oh, well! I'm sure you'll be fine!"

The men were _not_ fine. They all got slaughtered.

Kai dragged Riku down a long set of stairs, then ducked into a large storage room filled with crates and shut the door. There they waited for several tense seconds, listening to see if Diva would follow.

"Kai," Riku whispered, tugging at his brother's sleeve. "KAI…"

"_Shhh_!!" Kai clapped a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet. Long minutes passed with still no sign of Diva. Kai slowly released Riku and stood up. "What?"

"There's a spider on your shoulder."

"Oh." Kai blinked. "_WAAAAUUUUUGH_!!" He threw himself down on the ground and flailed about like he was having a seizure. "Die, Charlotte, die!!" He glared up at Riku murderously. "What's wrong with you?! Why didn't you tell me _sooner_?!"

Back in the hallway they'd just run from, Saya peeked in before slowly entering. She stopped dead when she noticed that her evil twin sister had written on the wall with blood, "Saya's got a fat ass!!"

"That _bitch_!" Saya hissed under her breath. "I'll show her!" She stepped toward a puddle of blood with the intention of writing an insult of her own, but her conscience wouldn't allow it. "Stupid conscience! Now everyone's gonna think I have a fat ass!"

"It _should_ say, 'Saya has a _sweet_ ass'!" A voiced laughed. Several seconds later, Karl came crashing down through the ceiling and grinned at Saya. "We still haven't danced yet!"

Saya took a deep sigh, then reluctantly did the Macarena, followed by the Robot and a booty dance.

"There, happy?"

"…Perhaps if you were naked-"

"_Screw you!!"_

-Back in the Break Room-

Meanwhile, in the break room, David, Louis, and Joel were all gathered to discuss what was going on and what would be done. At least, that was what _David_ was doing, Joel was just kinda listening with his eyes closed.

"And so we-" David paused in the middle of his report and gave Joel a hard stare. A soft snore broke the silence in the room, and David whipped an extra clip of bullets at his leader's head. "WAKE UP!!"

"Huh?! Who?! Wha?!" Joel jerked awake, snorting a little. "Hmm? What's going on?" He caught sight of David glaring and quickly realized what was happening. "Oh, er, I was just…resting my eyes is all! I wasn't sleeping, uh-UH!"

"…And the drooling?" David pointed out, crossing his arms.

"I…have an overactive salivary gland," Joel retorted matter-of-factly, wiping at his mouth with a sleeve. Everyone stared at him doubtfully. "_Keep talkin'_!!"

"Well, all I've got left to say is _this_," David went on. "Diva's here and we're totally effed. So what do we do _now_?"

"Ask her nicely to leave?" Louis suggested, raising his hand.

"We'll blow up the ship," Joel said suddenly. "It's our only option."

"_Really_?" David looked at his leader with newfound respect. "You'd _do_ that?"

"Sure, why not?" Joel shrugged. "Amidst the chaos I can run off and fulfill my dream of being a leg model! Ahahaha!" He petered off into soft sobs and covered his face with his hands. After several moments of this, he composed himself and straightened up. "But seriously, guys, let's blow this effing ship up. I want a new one. Oh, and David?" He waved at the skinny man. "You're _still_ in charge of protecting Saya and her siblings."

"DAMMIT!!" David exploded, then quickly hid his anger. "Uh, I mean…oh _joy_! I love them little bastards! Especially Kai! He's such a nut! A nut that I wanna crack and grind up into-"

"A-_hem_." Joel coughed, snapping David out of his murderous thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, right." He stood up, looking over at another agent. "Initiate Code D in five minutes! Alpha, Beta, Gamma! …Yo Gabba Gabba?"

"…_WHAT_?!" Everyone asked in confusion.

"…Nothing, sorry." David blushed. "Just thought it would sound cool."

"_I_ thought it did!" Louis stated.

"_Thaaaaaanks_!" David drawled, flashing his friend a thumbs-up. As he began moving away, Joel looked up and caught his eye.

"David."

"Yes?" David stopped and looked back at his commanding officer, staring soulfully into his eyes for several long moments.

"Your fly is unzipped."

"Oh."

_Zip_!

"…Bye." David and Louis stopped at the end of the table, lockin' and loadin' their weapons, getting ready for combat.

"Couldn't fit my tank on the damn ship," Louis muttered to himself, cramming bullets into his gun. "Guess I'll have to make do with this flimsy grenade launcher." David patted his back and the two, now ready, stepped in front of the exit.

"Sexual Chocolate and Vanilla Stick, GO!!" They cried together, slapping high-fives and bursting through the doors.

"…What the _bleep_ did they just say?" An agent asked aloud as the doors swung closed, Joel sprawled backwards in his chair, snoring like a jackhammer.

-With Kai and Riku-

Kai and Riku, still trapped deep inside the ship in the large storage room filled with crates, were desperate to escape. Kai stood atop one of the many crates in the room and attempted to pry open a grate with a coin while Riku sat on his ass, contemplating.

"Kai…" he said quietly, "I'm scared. I have to get stronger, don't I?"

"Don't get your panties in a twist," Kai grunted. "After all, you are my bastard bastard stupid effing bastard why won't you OPEN?!" Kai threw down the coin and switched to an electric drill. "Oh, yeah! _Now_ we're talking!" He glanced back at Riku. "…What were we talking about?"

"As comforting as that's supposed to be," Riku sighed, "I'm still worried."

"Aww, look. Shit happens, remember?" Kai told him, working away at the grate with the drill. "You're my little brother, no matter what!"

_Wheeee-oooop! Wheeee-oooop_!

"Attention, passengers," a pleasant female voice rang out over the alarm. "This ship will self-destruct in ten minutes. Sucks to be you, and have a nice day!"

"Later!" Kai dropped the blowtorch he'd just been trying out and scrambled toward the exit.

"Kai, get _back_ here!" Riku ordered, and for once, he obeyed. "Geez, how can you stay so calm at a time like this?!"

"Well, to tell the truth," Kai stated, "I crapped myself about ten minutes ago!"

"Is _that_ what that smell is?" Riku wrinkled his nose and tried not to gag.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go look for some better tools," Kai tactfully changed the subject. "Now let me just leave you in this dangerous place all by yourself!"

"Okay, bye!" Riku waved as Kai skipped off amongst the crates. Little did he know that a devious predator was stalking him at that very moment! Or should I say '_Diva'_-ous predator! Ahaha…ha…haa? …Nothing? No? Okay, sorry. Anyway, Diva was sneaking up on him unawares, as Riku was too busy going at the grate with Kai's abandoned blowtorch to notice. She crept closer, closer, CLOSER-

"OY! G'day, mates!" A thick Australian voice suddenly interrupted. Diva froze and whirled around to find Steve Irwin standing behind her, a raucous grin splitting his face. "Croikey! Here you can see the _eeeevil_ bitch – isn't she _gorgeous_? – approaching her prey unawares! Watch as she-"

"Will you shut _up_, you stupid-" Diva began to hiss.

"OY." Steve Irwin gave her a serious look. "DEAD."

"…Oh, fine!" Diva huffed, unable to insult him. "Just stay out of my way." She turned and began inching up behind Riku, who still had no idea he would soon be on the menu.

"Croikey! The poor _buggah_!" Irwin continued to narrate, watching as Diva closed in on Riku. "He's got no _ideah_ that- oh, wait! He's sensed something! His head's snapped up, and his nostrils are flaring! Looks like the little guy senses _daaaanjah_!"

"RIKU!! WATCH OUT!!" Kai suddenly screamed, pulling out his gun and firing. Diva went down in a heap, Riku turning and realizing what was happening.

"Wow! You hit her!" He gasped in amazement.

"Wow! I hit her!" Kai gasped in amazement. "Er, I mean, of course I did!" He dashed toward the body, but was intercepted by Steve.

"Oy!" The Australian growled in protest. "She's a rare, protected species, mate! You just-"

"Go find some crocs to wrestle!" Kai yelled in his face, then ducked past him and tackled Diva to the ground, who was just getting up, easily recovering from the bullet wound. "I have NO problem hitting a woman!!" He shouted at her, pulling back a fist.

"Neither do I!" Diva countered readily.

"_Owch_!" Riku winced at the severity of the insult. "Keep the gloves up, girly! That was a low blow!"

"No, _this_ is!" Diva cried, slugging Kai in the stomach. Now unable to move, Kai watched in horror as Diva dropped him and turned on his little brother once again. Riku backed up in terror, eyes wide and full of panic. When the evil twin sister of Saya suddenly whipped off her dress, it became all too clear what she wanted from him.

"Stay back!" Riku cried warningly. "I'll…I'll…I'll crap myself! Then I'll be too _foul_ for you to rape!"

"Oh, please." Diva rolled her eyes. "Chevaliers don't crap."

"They…they don't?" Riku squeezed his eyes shut and grunted. "Hey, whaddaya know, they don't?"

"Enough chitchat!" Diva stepped in front of the boy and smiled. "Now, what can help us get in the mood? I know! How about some music?"

"I don't like music," Riku stated. "It gives me a headache."

"Alright, then how about some scented candles?"

"I'm allergic to them. Break out in weeping hives."

Diva paused for a moment, thinking. Suddenly she smiled deviously.

"New York from Flavor of Love."

Riku's face scrunched up in turmoil.

"_Daaaaaaaaaamn_…" He hissed. Diva grinned triumphantly and leaned close.

"Croikey, ain't this a _treat_!" Steve suddenly popped up beside the pair. "Now we get ta see the mating ritual of-"

"_Will you get out of here_?!"

-Several Minutes Later-

_CRASH_!!

The door to the storage room smashed open, a battling Saya and Karl (now in chiropteran form) tumbling in. Saya instantly jumped back to her feet and was about to rush Karl when a sight stopped her dead. Diva was there, holding Kai under one arm.

"DIVA!!" Saya screamed. "K- aw, I don't really _care_ about you, but I found DIVA! DIE!!" She turned and charged at her sister, running her through with her blade and making her drop Kai. "_Yaaa_- hey, that was easy."

"And so was your _brother_!" Diva retorted. Saya frowned.

"…Huh?"

"Dammit, and that was a good one, too!" Diva pouted. "LOOK!" She pointed, and Saya looked. What she saw shocked and appalled her.

"R…Riku?!" She gasped in horror. "Why are you naked? And why are you crystallized? And why do you have a cigarette in your mouth? And why- OH. MY. GOD." A heavy silence filled the room.

"Now you see-" Diva began to gloat.

"I _told_ you it was dangerous to watch all those I Love New York shows! _Now_ looks what's happened to you! Oh…_Riku_!" Saya could barely hold back her tears.

"NO!!" Diva exploded. "It was ME! _I_ raped your little brother and killed him after with my blood!!"

"…Oh." Saya blinked. "_You sick bitch_!!" She went for Diva, but Karl had recovered and threw Kai at her to slow her down. "Kai, quit gettin' in my way, boy!" Saya shouted at him, shaking his limp body. Luckily for both of them, Haji finally showed up again and beat Karl back with his tiny daggers. As the two chevaliers fought, Saya and Kai sat together, sadly gazing at the crystallized body of Riku.

"Kai…" Saya said softly, holding him close.

"Riku…" Kai sniffled, eyes filling with tears. "I…I can't…believe…he…_scored_ before ME!! It's just not _fair_!!" He burst into heart-wrenching sobs as Saya gave him a warm hug.

"There, there…" she soothed. Suddenly the boat shook violently, and several falling crates landed on Riku's corpse, shattering it and sending one large red piece flying through the air and into Kai's outstretched hand.

"Hey, cool I caught- _OhmygodthisispartofRiku'sbodyIthinkI'mgonnabesick_!!"

"BOO-YAAAH!" Two men (complete opposites) kicked open the already ruined door and strode in, packed down with every kind of weapon imaginable. "Have no fear!" They said together. "For Sexual Chocolate-" Louis stated, "-and Vanilla Stick-" David added, "ARE HERE!!" They finished together, then punctuated the statement by firing their guns over their heads like idiots. After several moments of this, all became quiet.

"…Sexual Chocolate?" David quietly asked.

"Yes, Vanilla Stick?" Louis replied pleasantly.

"We just used up the last of our bullets, didn't we?"

"Yes. Yes we did." Louis pursed his lips. "Probably wasn't a good idea to do this in _every_ room we came across, but then again, we couldn't be sure they weren't in there."

Everyone stood around for several awkward moments.

"RUN! EVERYBODY RUN!!" Louis broke the silence. "The ship's about to blow up! RUNNNN!!" All the good guys ran like hell for the exit, leaving Diva and Karl on the exploding ship to die.

Awaiting David's groups' arrival, Joel stood on the helipad next to a prepped helicopter. After long, tense minutes of waiting, they finally emerged from the smoldering ship and dashed over to him.

"Alright, we're all here!" David told him between pants. "Let's hurry up and leave!"

"Okay." Joel nodded. "Diva's trapped on the boat-"

"No I'm not." Diva stated from behind him.

"-and now she'll drown as it sinks-" Joel went on.

"No I won't."

"-she will NOT interrupt because it is RUDE and-"

"That's it! Get 'im, Karl!"

Obeying his mistress, Karl smashed up through the ship's deck, firing spears from his new hand, one hitting Joel in the torso. He went down in a heap, David rushing to his side. Everyone piled into the small helicopter except Saya and Haji, who opted to stay behind and hold Diva back. No-one really felt like arguing since this fic was getting so long, and so allowed her. As the helicopter's blades churned and lifted, Saya turned and glared at her sister.

"Diva!" She cried amidst the flames eating away at the ship, "I stayed behind to defeat you, and end it my skirt is on FIRE!!" She cut off with a squeal and began beating at the flames licking at her dress.

"Throw it away, quick!" Haji suggested, both concerned _and_ horny.

"NO! This was a good dress! And _expensive_!" Having finally quelled the hungry flames, Saya and her chevalier stood stoically, glaring grimly across at their opponents, Diva and her chevalier, Karl. Haji noted the mood and so whipped out his cello, beginning to play Nearer My God to Thee, a.k.a. the song played on 'Titanic' as the boat sank.

"HEY!" Saya kicked him in the shin, making him stop mid-song. "Who said anything about _dieing_?!" Haji thought for a moment, then switched to 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee-Gees, singing along in a girly, high-pitched voice.

"_Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man; no time to talk! Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born! And now it's alright. It's OK. And you may look the other way. We can try to understand the New York Time's effect on man_!"

"That's more like it!" Saya smiled.

"_Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Stayin' aliiii-iiiiii-iiiive!"_

…And then the ship blew up.

-Epilogue-

Somewhere far above the blue planet of earth, in the cold depths of space, a flying saucer sat hovering in the ether, waiting. Aboard the ship, a small, slight figure's eyes glowed red for an instant.

"You think my clone fooled them?" Riku asked his horde of evil minions, who shrugged in response. "Oh, well. Screw the earth! It's not worth taking over! I'll settle for Mars instead." Slowly, the ship turned from earth and sped off into the black of space.

…Told you he was an evil genius.

-Episode 32 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whoo, done! This one's a little longer than the others, but that's just because I had so many funny ideas for this episode and I wanted to use them all! Thanks to everyone for giving me suggestions and support, I really appreciate them! Hey, funny story: I had _no_ effing idea what Diva had done to Riku. _None_. I watched the episode and was just like, "Huh? Riku's dead? Why? What happened? Eh, whatever." and didn't figure it out until a few episodes later when you find out Diva is pregnant. I was like, "How did she get _pregnant_?!" and my sister told me, "From Riku!" and I was all, "…Huh?" and she said "She raped him, _duh_!!" and then I was totally surprised. So, yeah…I'm an idiot. Oh, and the Steve Irwin thing? I'm already going to hell. I've accepted this. Plus I love the guy! I used to watch his show all the time! He wouldn't mind…I _hope_. And one last thing; there won't be a new episode of Blood Minus next week. I'll be really busy for the next few days and I also need to take a break to recharge my mojo (a.k.a. funny juice). So see you all in two weeks! Later! Review, please!


	33. Episode 33: The Power of Faith

Author's Note: Whew, I'm back! Sorry for the long break and all, but I was really busy last week and I knew if I'd tried to do a chapter, I wouldn't have had time for it. But that's over now and here's the next one! Oh, and excuse me while I soil myself with excitement at having gotten FIVE-EFFING-_HUNDRED_ reviews! Holy sweet merciful crap I have to go change my pants! Later! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 33

The Power of Faith

It was night-time in the busy city of London (at least, I'm pretty sure that's where they are now, right?). A full year had passed between this episode and the last (trippy, eh?), and the quiet of the night betrayed the danger boiling within. Deep beneath the bustling city streets, in the cold depths of the stone sewers…figures moved in the shadows…they were…

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES! _TURTLE POWER!!_ …Anyone else watch that show when they were little? No? Alright, moving on!

"Today, we take down Shredder-" a wizened old rat cut in. Not NOW, Sensei! The fic author threw some cheese to distract the elderly rat so she could get on with her silly story.

A small group of men in Ewok-like suits snuck around in the deserted bowels of the sewer, toting firearms and looking mighty dangerous. What are they, havin' a picnic down there or something? They remained completely silent as they slunk down the darkened corridors, eyes warily watching.

Suddenly a long, brown lump floated down the waterway next to one man's leg.

"_Euuuuugh_!" He leapt from the sewer water and squealed in disgust. "Gross!"

"Sorry, man!" Kai called up from behind. "I couldn't finish my Snickers!" Apparently he hadn't matured at _all_ in this past year despite growing a few inches.

"Dammit, Kai!"

A deep growl rumbled through the sewers, and a huge, hulking form appeared as a Chiropteran turned the corner.

"_That's_ not dookie!" Kai stated matter-of-factly. The men rolled their eyes and moved to surround their prey. One man pulled out a flash bomb, aimed at the Chiropteran, then whirled around and whipped it straight at Kai.

"My eyes!!" Kai screeched in the blinding light. "Can't SEE!!"

"Change of plans!" The man yelled to his comrades. "Let's teach this brat a lesson!" The group cheered and charged Kai as the Chiropteran stood in the fetid sewer waters, feeling a bit foolish and left out.

"Um…don't you guys care about _me_? Come on, I eat people! …Please? Oh, _forget it_, I'm going to find _better_ people to kill!" It turned away with a tear in its eye and flounced off deeper into the rat-infested sewers.

-Later-

Louis, pudgy and sexy as ever, stepped out of a convenience store clutching a box of Twinkies to his chest. Crossing the road, he ambled up to a parked van and opened the door. Kai looked up from the passenger seat, his face a mass of bruises.

"Mmm, Twinkies!" Louis smiled, popping one of the treats in his mouth.

"Blimey!" Kai whined in a horrible English accent. "That's visually unappetizin', guvnah!"

"Do you _want_ me to tie you to the roof again?" Louis asked dangerously.

"Um…nay?"

"Then shut up and shove over." Louis climbed into the car's driver seat, then cocked an eyebrow of Kai. "And what's with that fake English accent?"

"What fake accent, ye Yankee bloke?!" Kai shot back. "I'm right English, I am, eh, what what?! Er…capital! …Ol' chap!"

"Whatever." Louis rolled his eyes and started the car. "Just lemme tell ya, it don't make you any less annoyin'."

"EAT MY SOILED KNICKERS!!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the English countryside, in a quant little house with a shed, trouble was brewing.

"Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee! Gotta pee!" A little girl and boy screamed together, standing at the top of the stairs and not moving.

"Then GO!" An older, pale-haired girl barked in exasperation. "Seriously, what's stopping you?! The bathroom's right over there!"

"…Too late," the boy declared as both he and the girl smiled in relief.

"Aww…_aww_!!" The older girl groaned, stomping her foot. "Not again! That's the third time I have to clean this rug this week! _Dammit_!!"

"HEY!" An old man shouted from downstairs. "Shut up over there! I'm trying to work! …Lil' _bleep_ers…" The old man settled back down on his couch and went back to makin' crack or whatever he does to support those kids.

Louis and Kai pulled up in the driveway and walked to the front door of the modest house (it appears this is where they're staying now). Kai shoved it open and was instantly mauled by the family's rabid dog.

"Good boy!" Louis smiled, patting its head and giving it a treaty. As the dog wandered away, content, the children dashed down the stairs, followed by the older girl.

"Hey, Kai!" The little boy squealed excitedly. "I _pissed_ all over myself! But I got _halfway_ to the bathroom before I did!"

"Hey, me too! Good job!" Kai congratulated, patting the boy's head.

"Dear GOD, I need a drink…" Louis muttered to himself, then gurgled in pain as the little girl rammed her head right into his crotch.

"_Louiiis_!" She sang happily. "Welcome _hoooome_!"

"Balls…being…crushed!" Louis barely managed to whisper. "Can't…breath!"

"Welcome to my world," Kai stated, patting his shoulder. "Hey, Monique!" He greeted the pale-haired older girl as she walked up. "How's _your_ pee coming?"

"At least I can make it to the toilet," Moniquie muttered, then blinked. "Hmm?" She wrinkled her nose as she walked up to the two men. "You two smell funny!"

"Oh, uh, er," Louis stammered as he desperately thought for an excuse. "That's because-"

"Of all the _whorehouses_ we've been too!" Kai interrupted, throwing a wink Louis' way.

"Whores smell like sewers?" Monique asked dubiously.

"The…the old ones do," Kai stated with a shrug. "Anyway, how's David?  
"The same," Monique answered, rolling her eyes. "That drunk got wasted and passed out! You would think he'd at least be a good drunk, but _nooo_! One sip and he's _gone_!"

Hmm…apparently David has given up _eating_ to drink _booze_ all the time. Poor bastard. Let's hope he still filter-feeds!

Monique hustled the children back up to bed while Kai and Louis went to see the old man, whose name I do NOT know. So let's just continue calling him old man.

"…You bakin' a cake?" Kai asked upon entering the room, seeing loads of unnamed white substances spread over the table. The old man immediately cleared his throat and began putting his drugs away.

"Erm, yes," he coughed, stashin' the stuff. "Listen, I just wanted to thank you, Kai, for taking care of the kids and all that garbage."

"Oh, sure, sure," Kai replied humbly. "It's easy since I'm still one myself!" Immediately he flung himself onto the couch and grabbed the TV remote. "I wonder if Spongebob is on…"

"You know," Louis said thoughtfully, sitting next to Kai, "Monique seems to like you." He paused. "That bitch must be _bleep_in' _craaaaazy_."

"That poor, poor broken man," the old man cut in, changing the subject to David and his drunken habits. "With the Red Shield destroyed, he's got nothing. That organization must have been important to him, more important than anything…like food, for example!"

"Oooh, Dora the Explorer's on!" Kai squealed with delight, putting the volume up. "Mi nombre es puta!"

"Aw, sweet Jesus, not again," Louis sighed heavily. Kai pointed at him.

"El es _grande_!"

"_Que_?" Louis snarled back dangerously.

-The Next Day-

Early the next morning, there was a knock on the door. Kai, scratching his balls and stumbling down the hall, wrenched the door open to find a man in a wheelchair sitting on the front door mat.

"_AAAAAAAAAaaaaaStevenHawkingaaaaAAAAAAHHH_!!" Kai slammed the door shut and raced back upstairs, leaving the man sitting awkwardly in silence. Several seconds later, the door opened again, this time by Louis, who waved at the man.

"Hey, Joel," He said, taking hold of the chair and wheeling the paralyzed man inside.

"Hey."

"Er, sorry about that, man," Kai apologized as Louis wheeled Joel into the living room. "I have a strange and incurable fear of Steven Hawking. No hard feelings?"

"None whatsoever," Joel replied sweetly, then rammed the boy in the shins with his remote-control wheelchair (_sweet_! I want one!).

"So, what're you here for?" Louis asked, getting straight to the point. Joel let off assaulting Kai's legs (he's not bitter. Not at all. Well…maybe just a little) and smiled.

"Here, I made them especially for you!" Joel said proudly, handing over a small, secret-looking box. Kai snatched it from him and peeked inside.

"…Cupcakes?" Kai guessed, staring at the contents.

"No, they're-"

"Lipstick?"

"No, they're _bullets_!" Joel exploded. "Just take them out of the packaging and you'll see!!" Kai blinked, then obeyed. Indeed, they were bullets, golden with red tips. "They're specially made to explode, so you can better fight the Chiropterans with them."

"Oh." Kai said. "Frickin' SWEET!! Gimme your gun, Louis, I'm gonna try these _bitches_ out on one of the kids!!"

"NO." Louis said firmly, taking the box away. Kai whimpered like a lost puppy and stuck his lower lip out in an award-winning pout. It had no effect whatsoever on Louis. "So," the husky man went on, "have you found out where Julia is?"

"See for yourself," Joel answered, pulling out a Maxim magazine. On the front cover, Julia posed in a scandalous lingerie, and underneath the sexy picture, in small font, it said, "Professor Collins' Smokin' Hot New Assistant! P. 108!"

"Damn that Collins! I knew it was him who betrayed us!" Louis growled, taking the magazine. "…Can I keep this? I wanna…read the articles."

_BAM_!

Suddenly the door banged open, and a drunk and disorderly David staggered in. He looked skinnier than ever, his hair wild and unkempt, his face unshaven. He looked even more like a starving hobo than he ever did before, and that's sayin' something! He squinted his bleary eyes and focused on the group of men in the middle of the room.

"Hey, wheels!" He slurred at Joel, giving him a rough pat on the back. "How ya doin'? It's a shame about them legs – they were damn sex-ay! Oh, and, I _hate_ you," he stated, pointing a finger at Kai. "Now, where's my Boozie? Boozie? Hello? Oh, there he is!" He snatched up a half-filled bottle, took a sip, and cuddled it to his chest. "G'night!" He promptly fell over backwards in another drunken stupor.

"Heh heh…" Kai giggled quietly to himself. "_Wheels_."

Immediately Joel began bashing his shins again with his wheelchair.

-Later…-

Later that same day, Kai took Joel outside for a walk (er, wheel?) around the small house. The kids giggled and waved, Joel waving back and enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. Several long peaceful moments passed before Kai decided to ruin it.

"What's the top speed you can get on this bitch?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow at the electric wheelchair. "Twenty? Thirty? …A hundred?" Joel decided to ignore him and instead started talking. Kai didn't like it much – it made his head hurt.

"David must hate me," Joel said suddenly, adopting a melancholic expression. "He doesn't say it, but he must. I'm such a failure. I failed to protect you all. Do you…hate me to?" He looked up at Kai, who stared back.

"…If I say no, can I take thing baby out for a spin?"

"No."

"Then I _bleep_ing hate you, too." Kai scowled and looked up at the blue sky. "Saya _isn't_ dead!" He declared passionately, not even noticing that he'd let go of Joel's wheelchair. "I _know_ she's still alive! She _has_ to be!"

"Kai? Kai? We're, uh, kinda on an incline, here. I can't- oh, _bleep_!! Kai! KAI!!"

"As long as Diva and her chevaliers are still alive," Kai was saying to himself, oblivious to Joel's predicament, "Saya will hunt them down! I'm sure she-"

_CRASH_!!

"Huh? Joel?" Kai finally looked down and caught sight of the paralyzed man draped over the mailbox, his wheelchair in the ditch with one wheel spinning. "…Ohshit." He stood there for several seconds, then dashed off to find a suitable hiding place.

Meanwhile, back inside the small house, the same old crack man was busy hassling David, who sat at the table with yet another bottle of booze.

"You're pathetic, David!" The old man snarled. "Look at you! When are you gonna quit drinking and help those kids out, eh?"

"Sorry, _mother_," David drawled, glaring, "but I've got better things to do than help that ass-wipe of a brat. You see this?" He jutted out his sharp chin and pointed at the weak stubble protruding from his face. "Yeah, I've been growing this baby for _almost_ a _year_. Impressive, huh?"

"Man, that looks like my _back_," Louis snorted as he passed by the open door.

"_No-one asked you!!_" David barked at him, then turned back to the old man. "Anyway, my point is I hate my freakin' life. My dad's dead, my organization is dead, the secret weapon FOR my organization is dead, and I _wish_ that brat Kai was dead. Oh, and I also had this really hot chick with huge jugs all over me, but I was too stupid to notice. So there, happy? I got my reasons. We can't all be foster fathers taking care of little war-orphaned children, okay?"

"War-orphaned?" The old man made a face. "Those kids ain't orphans! They're my illegitimate love children, _duh_! I keep them here so I can get child support from their whore mothers to fund my drug business!"

"…And you wonder why I drink…" David grumbled, taking another swig. He then turned, threw up, and passed out. …Man he's a lame drunk.

Outside, Kai had retreated to the relative safety of the nearby shed, where he pulled out his gun from the usual hiding place (ew) and began practicing with it.

"Hmm, maybe this scene would be better if I took off my _shirt_-" 

-Scene Change! Scene Change Scene Change Scene Chaaaaaange! In a Research Facility Somewhere!! Go, go! Hurry!!-

In a research facility somewhere (seriously, I have no idea where it's located. Use your imagination), a hungry Chiropteran lumbered around in a deep white pit, guns trained on the monster as it wandered around. A line of important-looking people were watching the creature through a glass window, faces full of wonder.

"That monster is…?" One man asked curiously.

"Oh, that's not a monster," a woman who looked astoundingly like Conda Liza Rice corrected, "he's…just got a bad cold. And…hives…" The man stared at her incredulously. "Okay, yeah, I'm just pullin' your leg, it's a Chiropteran." The woman giggled as the men rolled their eyes and continued to watch.

"Can it…tap dance?" Another man asked, eyes glimmering with excitement. Conda Liza scowled at him. "No? How about balance your checking account? Organize your DVD collection? Massage your feet?" Conda Liza's scowl deepened with each question. "Well, sweet Jesus, what _can_ it do?"

"It can horribly slaughter and devour your enemies," Conda Liza stated.

"I guess that'll have to do," the man sighed in disappointment. "I sure wish it could _tap dance_…" he sighed wistfully.

Suddenly doors opened in the pit below, and soldiers wearing identical masks and armor stepped out, attracting the Chiropteran's attention. Lil' J (yep, he's there too) grabbed a nearby mic and rapped an order into it.

"_Yo-yo, diggedy-yay, kill that Chiro, hey-hey_!" He accompanied the rap/order with scratching out a tune on a DJ turn table.

Immediately the soldiers obeyed, breaking into a synchronized beat-dance before leaping toward the monster and easily dispatching it with their swords. All the important-looking people ooh-ed in awe, except for one man who aww-ed in disappointment.

"Now it can't _tap_ dance!" He complained loudly. Conda Liza lost her cool and whipped her packet of papers at him.

"Will you _shut up_ about _tap dancing_?!" She shrieked. "Only an _idiot_ would want a Chiropteran to do that!!"

"Tap dancing? What a great idea!" Mr. Argeno suddenly popped his head into the room, an excited smile on his face. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

"Because you're a fu-" Conda Liza began.

"I'll have one trained immediately!" Mr. Argeno went on over her. "Ooh! Ooh! And how about a cute little top hat and a cane? Ohh, that would be _precious_! Anyway, how do you like my Corpse Corps?" He turned to the important-looking people and smiled.

"The name could use a little work," Conda Liza muttered to herself.

"Hey, _you're_ the one who turned down 'Lil' J's Hot Back-up-Dancing Crew'!!" Lil' J growled at her. She frowned.

"I had to choose the lesser of two evils," she shot back. "Anyway, we're not the only ones with Chiro-problems. There have been Chiropterans appearing all over the world! It's getting out of control. Understand?"

"Perfectly," Mr. Argeno stated, then turned to the other man. "Tap dancing TEAM!!" They sang together, slapping high-fives.

"I'll make the music!" Lil' J graciously volunteered. "I can see the lyrics now; Tap-DANCE, mother-_bleep_er, mother-_bleep_er, mother-_bleep_er! Tap-DANCE, mother-"

"Oh lord." Conda Liza placed her face in her hands and prayed for strength.

In a small room behind the occupied one, two professors watched the embarrassing fiasco awkwardly. Collins cleared his throat, and Julia- hey, Julia's back! Horray! It's great to see that her breasts are still as big as ever, even after a year!

"What?" Julia blinked.

What?

"…You just wrote-"

No I didn't. Get them eyes checked! …Collins, hurry up and say something stupid!

"Um…breasts?"

…Good enough.

-Back with Kai and the Others-

Back at the house, Kai stood before the kitchen sink, emptying out all of David's booze down the drain. The door to the room suddenly slammed open, and David rushed in, eyes wild.

"What're you doing to my Boozie?! You _monster_!!" He rushed over to the sink and gathered up his empty bottles, tears in his eyes. "They never did anything to you! Well, except for that one time I threatened to cut you with one, but that was because-"

"Don't you have any shame?!" Kai snapped at him, turning from the sink. "God, you're hopeless! You know why Joel keeps fighting?" He paused dramatically for effect. "Because he's contractually _obligated_ to, that's why! Plus his dreams of being a leg model kinda flew out the window with the whole 'paralysis' thing, but _still_! At least he's _trying_, unlike some fat-ass I know!"

"Fat-ass?!" David hissed dangerously and launched himself at Kai. "That's it, you brat! You is goin' _down_!!" Too bad for him Kai had been training at Dance Dance Revolution the entire past year, and so easily served him to the ground. And then some.

"Uh, sorry," Kai coughed apologetically as David twitched on the ground in agony. "I guess I'm still bitter about that thrashing you gave me awhile back. Can you feel your toes?"

"Ass kicked…by a brat!" David gurgled in pain. "Need booze now…more than ever!! Will use mouthwash…_if necessary_!"

"What the hell happened to you?" Kai went on continuing to berate David. "You used to be so much cooler, like Nightrider, but anorexic! I used to look up to you-"

"Liar," David snorted.

"Alright, ya got me," Kai admitted, "I used to hate your stinking _guts_, but guess what? You're too much of a _loser_ to hate anymore, so THERE!" Having said his piece, he twirled on his heel, tripped a little, and stumbled out of the room, leaving David lying on the ground next to the oven and feeling like crap. Several quiet moments later, the oven door creaked open and the old man's head popped out, regarding David piteously.

"Well, now, don't _you_ feel silly?"

"_How the hell did you get in here?!"_

-Elsewhere-

In an undisclosed airport, a large airplane sat on the runway, hull brimming with Corpse Corps. I can't really tell what's going _on_ in this scene, but the soldiers are either being _sent_ somewhere, or are being unloaded _off_ the plane. Let's just make things silly and say they're all going to Disneyland! Horray!

Amshel and James, Diva's loyal chevaliers, watched from a distance in satisfied silence.

"…Dawg."

"Dammit, James!"

"It's _Lil' J_!!"

"WHATEVER!!"

They were too busy arguing to notice several suspicious figures watching from the shadows. _Cough_ Schiff _cough_!! _Cough_ still alive _cough_! _Cough_ better watch out _cough cough cough_ – whoa, hold on, I gotta catch my breath…

-Later, Back in London-

Night had fallen over London once again, and that wasn't a good thing. Chiropterans prowled the streets, one finding a midnight snack with a tasty-looking security guard. He squealed in fear and retreated, calling out desperately for help.

"Someone save me! Please!" The man shrieked, backing away from the hungry monster. "Anyone!!"

"_I'll_ save you!" Kai sang, leaping from the shadows and posing dramatically. The security guard stared at him for a moment before looking elsewhere. "…Anyone _else_? _Anyone_?"

"Screw you!!" Kai spat, drawing his weapon (ew once again) and preparing to fire at the Chiropteran. "Let's go, muffin-lipstick-killer bullets!" He cried, loading Joel's special bullets into the gun. He pointed and fired, the bullets flying through the air in slow-mo Matrix style and hitting the Chiro in the chest. The bullets immediately exploded, covering the security guard with mounds of stinking flesh and blood.

"Uh…thanks?" The guard said uncertainly before getting shoved to the side by Louis as he appeared on the scene.

"Hurry up, man!" Louis told him, "Get outta here and-"

A Chiropteran suddenly stepped out of the shadows and ripped off the man's head. Louis blinked.

"…That was totally _not_ my fault," he stated, then began unloading his shotgun as more and more Chiropterans appeared. Before long, the two men were surrounded by the slobbering monsters, their ammo running dangerously low.

"Damn, we're trapped!" Louis snarled, firing desperately. "Oh gawd I wish I had my tank!!"

_WHAM_!!

Suddenly a huge (and vaguely familiar) cello-case flew through the air, connecting with the nearest Chiropteran and sending it flying.

"That'll do!" Louis cried happily. As he and Kai watched, a long figure began emerging from the misty darkness at the end of the street. Dramatic music swelled as the person drew closer, sword shining in the moonlight and hair ruffling in the-

_Trip_!

"Awk!!" The figure went down in a heap, and Kai immediately knew who it was.

"That's Saya, alright!" Kai cried out in jubilation. "She's BACK!!"

-Episode 33 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Haw, that felt good after a break. It's just so much fun! I hope you all liked it too and I haven't lost my audience for takin' a break. Well, see you next week! Review, please!


	34. Episode 34: The World We Are In

Author's Note: While doing this episode, I had to stop and ask myself; why the _hell_ is it so fun writing drunk David? Sure, it's fun doing _normal_ David, but being intoxicated on top of that is just a blast. What the heck?! Oh, well, this chapter was a lot of fun, so here you go! Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 34

The World We Are In

Mist swirled in the inky night sky of London as the figure that'd appeared at the end of the street struggled to pick itself back up. Kai and Louis watched it, mouth agape and still surrounded by Chiropterans.

"It's…it's…!" Kai stammered, barely able to believe what he was seeing.

"It's _Celine_!" Louis finished for him, face beaming with excitement. "She's _back_! Ohh, I can't wait to hear 'My Heart Will Go On' again!"

"No, Louis!" Kai corrected him. "It's _Saya_! She's finally come back!"

"Aww…" Louis slumped over in disappointment. Kai gave him a strange look.

"And what could she have done against the Chiropterans anyway?" He asked dubiously. Louis thought for a moment before answering.

"…Sing?"

"…_Good_ one…" Kai raised his eyebrows and whistled.

"I wish Celine were here," Louis muttered to himself. "Besides, how can you be _sure_ it's Saya?"

"Mother-_bleep_ing son of a _bleep_ and second cousin of a mother-_bleep_er with the third uncle's _bleep_ing son twice _removed_-!!" A string of curses reached their ears, which quickly turned inside out due to the severity of the blasphemous oaths. Louis blinked, then turned and hollered over.

"Welcome back, honey! We missed ya!"

Saya slowly picked herself up from the dirty street, brushing her new skirt off and standing tall, the dramatic music swelling once again as she did so. Scowling, she turned around and glared at Haji, who was playing his cello with gusto.

"Will you _stop_?!" She asked angrily. The dramatic music screeched to a halt as Haji paused.

"…Would you prefer a ho-down?" He asked politely. Saya's murderous gaze was answer enough. "…Alright, then. Perhaps later." He quickly put his cello away and rushed to her side, ready for battle.

"Wait, how were you playing the trumpets-" Saya began to ask in confusion.

"Let's go!" Haji cried, cutting her off. The two readied themselves for attack.

A nearby Chiropteran quivered in excitement, thick lines of drool oozing grotesquely from its mouth in anticipation. It slowly raised one meaty claw and held up…Julia's Maxim Magazine cover.

"Man this chick's HAWT!" The Chiropteran gushed, eyeing the lovely Julia in her lingerie and drooling a little more. "Anyone got her number?"

"Hey, that's _mine_!" Louis cried in outrage, snatching the magazine back. This, predictably, angered the horny monster, who bellowed in rage but was cut down by Saya before it could cause any harm. Blood gushed from the dieing Chiropterans body, dousing Saya thoroughly, much to her annoyance.

"Aww, _dammit_!" She cursed, stamping a foot. "This crap is dry-clean _only_!"

"Just like old times, eh, Saya?" Haji said cheerfully, standing nice and clean beside her. Saya glared at him, kicked a puddle of the Chiro's blood on his shoes ("These are 500 dollar _Gucchi_!!"), then went off and killed the last two Chiropterans who stood around like idiots. More blood flew, and by the time it was all over, everyone was covered in blood.

"Well this sure takes me back!" Kai stated, wet and dripping. "I can't say I missed being covered in sticky monster effluence, but…nice to see you again! Lay some sugar on me, toots!" He turned to Saya, going for a sloppy open-mouth kiss.

Saya head-butted him.

"Aw _man_, I've missed you, Saya!" Louis laughed, running up. "How you been, girl? And where the HELL did you buy them sexy _boots_?!"

"Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten," Saya answered readily, modeling off her new footwear. "Now I gotta go, I don't have time to waste with you fu- _Zzzzz_…" Suddenly she keeled over mid-insult, fast asleep. Both Kai and Haji leapt to catch her falling form, but bonked heads during the attempt, leaving Louis to be the one to save her.

"Hey, is she alright?" The large man asked worriedly, picking her up in his arms. "Has she been eating properly?"

"Looks like _you_ have," Haji grunted, still sour about not being the one to hold Saya. Louis bitch-slapped him for insolence.

"That _ain't_ what I meant," he growled dangerously. "Blood! Has she been drinking blood regularly?" Haji was silent, avoiding his gaze. "No, huh? Well then…" Louis sighed and dragged out a large tub. "Alright, Kai. Fill this bitch up. Come on, we ain't got all day." Kai looked from the tub to Louis and laughed nervously. No-one joined in.

"-ahahaha- why aren't you _laughing_?" Kai stared at the others. They stared back. Suddenly he broke for the nearby alleyway and Haji gave chase, knife drawn.

-Elsewhere, in the Lab Facility Place Again-

Julia was very, very busy. She had a lot of work to do. And by work, I mean watching one of the male Corpse Corps soldiers work out at the gym.

"Ooh, _yeah_," she murmured, leaning close to the screen, "you're getting' all sweaty for me, aren't you, baby? Whoo, now the shirt's coming off! Oh, he is _stacked_! I- _eep_!" She suddenly sat back from the monitor and switched the camera to a boring image of a Corpse Corps soldier standing unmoving in his cell as Collins entered the room. "Hey, professor, what's up?" Julia asked innocently, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Not much," Collins answered, walking over, "I just wanted to- why is your shirt off?"

Julia blinked and looked down. She was sitting there in her skirt and bra.

"…It was hot." She stated blankly. Collins glanced at the thermostat.

"It's sixty-five degrees in here."

"Well I grew up in Alaska so it's hot to ME!" Julia huffed, quickly donning her shirt (although it made little difference to the level of indecent exposure). "Now what do you want?"

"Here." Collins held out a fresh cup of coffee for her. Julia stared at it.

"I'm not drinking that." She said bluntly.

"What? Why not?" Collins complained. "Come on, it's not like I put anything in it!"

"Then _you_ drink it." Julia crossed her arms and regarded him seriously. Sweat popped up on his brow, but he stared back at her grimly.

"_Fine_!" He downed the cup in one gulp and banged it down on the desktop. "See? It's perfectly fine! Now I wanted to talk to you about how creating the Corpse Corps _isn't_ a blasphemous sin against God, I'm sure he's grateful to us for making his workload lighter! In fact, I- _did you hear that?!"_ Collins' head snapped around and he glared at the wall. "That monkey was laughing at me! Damn dirty apes! I'll have you all put to death! _Death to the monkeys!!"_ He fell over backwards, unconscious.

"Told you," Julia sighed, then turned back to her 'work' on the computer. "Ooh, it's shower time isn't it, big boy? Looks like I'm just in time!" She paused, then used copy and paste to slap a picture of David's face over the soldier's head. "Gawd I miss you," she whispered, then began making out with the screen.

Elsewhere, in another room in the compound, Van Argeno watched through a private monitor with his jaw nearly hitting the floor as Julia frenched her computer.

"I am _so_ putting this up on Youtube…"

-The Next Day…-

Back at the small house Kai and Louis were staying at, it was time for breakfast! But for Monique, it meant it was time for hell on earth.

"Eat your breakfast!" Monique growled at the younger kids, who instead seemed content with flinging their food around the table and shrieking like banshees.

"Lemme tell _you_ somethin'!" David slurred and swayed, slum drunk after finding one of Boozie's smaller cousins. Sitting next to him, Louis leaned to one side and farted, inciting the rabid dog's rage and setting him on a helpless Kai. At the end of the table, the old man (whom I now know is called Gray) ignored all the commotion, instead concentrating on making more crack for sale.

My, my, my. What a wonderfully dysfunctional family they are.

"I just peed." One of the children stated, making Monique groan loudly.

"_Dammit_!!" She turned to David and snatched up his Boozie jr. "Gimme some of that!" After taking a deep swig, she coughed for a bit, then glared at him. "Hey, wanna know something? There's a girl named Saya and a perverted dude named Haji resting upstairs right now."

Upon hearing the names 'Saya' and 'perverted' plus 'Haji', David couldn't help but spit out his mouthful of alcohol all over the children.

"Great! Now they're covered in pee AND booze!" Monique lamented loudly.

"Well then that makes _three_ of us," David stated, raising his hands. The children cheered and threw their plates in the air.

"Alright. That does it. All three of you upstairs in the tub, NOW!!" Monique ordered, standing up and brandishing a small firearm at the group. David stared.

"Where'd you get that?" He couldn't help but ask.

"Louis gave it to me," Monique grunted.

"…You wash it?"

"No, why?"

"…Nothing."

-Meanwhile, Upstairs-

Upstairs, in the one of the small bedrooms, Saya lay sleeping peacefully while Haji watched over her. Kai and Louis decided to ruin the moment by inviting themselves in, and Louis gave the perverted chevalier the rundown of what'd been happening during his absence.

"-and so then that whore Tila Tequila decides she needs to do _another_ season," he was in the middle of saying. "As if the _first_ one wasn't puke-worthy enough. Oh, and don't even get me _started_ on American Idol! That damn Simon-"

"Does he _really_ need to know all this?" Kai suddenly broke in, sitting next to Saya's bed. "That kinda crap is _important_?"

"Uh, _yes_?" Louis retorted, giving Kai a look. "Anyway, Haji, what've you two been doing this past year?"

"Gettin' it ON!!" Haji crowled loudly, pumping his fists in the air.

"He _liiiiies_!" Saya mumbled in her sleep, furrowing her brow and tossing a bit.

"I mean training," Haji quickly corrected. Saya settled down.

"Oh, well, it's great you two are back safe and sound!" Louis went on with a shrug. "Right, Kai? …Kai?" He turned to find Kai leaning over Saya's sleeping form, a mischievous look in his eye.

"Shh!!" Kai held a finger to his lips and jerked his head at Saya. "Watch!" He cleared his throat and, leaning even closer, whispered, "_Diva_!"

"_GrrrraaaaAAAWWWRRR_!!" Saya immediately growled and snarled like a hibernating bear being disturbed, moving her arms about and tossing her head. Kai giggled at the sight and decided to try more.

"Charlie Sheen!"

"_Mnnnnaaaaaaawwwwrrr_!!"

"Kai, stop that!" Louis barked in annoyance. Kai ignored him and went for one last push.

"_Sanjaya_!" He whispered in her ear. Saya went completely still for a moment.

"_RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH_!!" Still asleep, she hopped out of bed, picked the bed UP, and brought it crashing down on Kai's vulnerable head. Then she hopped back INTO bed and continued sleeping. Louis stared at Kai's twitching form for several moments before speaking.

"See what happens when you don't listen to me?"

-Later-

"I'm coming in!" Monique declared, knocking gently on the bedroom door before peeking in. Kai still sat by Saya's bedside (with fantastic bandage accessory around his bruised noggin) as Monique hustled in, holding an armful of clothes.

"Gee, thanks!" Kai gushed, standing up and starting to remove his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Monique stopped him, face bright red. "These clothes aren't for you, they're for _her_!!" She gestured at the sleeping Saya's form. Kai frowned.

"Yeah, but," he blushed, "they'd look good on me, too, right?"

"…I'm not even _going_ there," Monique sighed, stepping past him and getting a good look at Saya. "Wow, she's pretty!"

"Oh geez, not another one!" Kai groaned at her, rolling his eyes.

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Kai returned, then cleared his throat loudly. "Cough! Lesbian Magnet! Cough, cough!"

"You know," Monique stated, "putting 'cough' around a word _doesn't_ make it any less understandable." She sidled up close to Saya and slowly reached a hand out to touch her face. Not a smart move, girlfriend!

"I said NO, Haji-Karl-Solomon-Kaori-Min-That-One-Girl-In-Siberia!!" Saya awoke instantly and grabbed Monique by the throat. They stared at one another for several long moments.

"…Hi." Monique finally managed to squeak out. Saya's eyes narrowed.

"Aw, geez, not another one!" She released Monique and let her fall to the floor. "Where am I? What's going on? Where's Haji? Is that your final answer?"

"Um, you're staying at a house with me, Louis, and David," Kai filled her in.

"Here, I washed your clothes for you!" Monique, still a bit shaken, held out Saya's freshly cleaned clothes.

"Wait…you mean you took my clothes _off_?" Saya blinked.

"Details, girl, details!" Kai cried, grabbing hold of Monique and shaking her vigorously. "Spill! Size, shape, texture, let's GO!"

"Hello?" The door suddenly opened and Haji poked his head in. "Did someone call me? My pervert senses are going _nuts_ out here."

"Oh, _now_ you show up, huh?" Saya glared at Haji angrily. Snatching up her cleaned clothes, she quickly donned her new purple jacket-skirt combo and pulled on her boots. "Let's go," she told her chevalier ominously, and the pair walked gravely out the door, a single Tide static-cling sheet fluttering from Saya's ass.

Once outside, Saya and her man-slave were immediately set upon by the family's rabid dog, who didn't seem to like them anymore it did Kai (and that's sayin' something). Saya was in the middle of glaring murderously at it when a strange noise emanated from somewhere on her person.

"…Did you just fart, or are you hungry?" Haji asked after a beat, and Saya growled.

"I'm hungry!" She grunted, "and this dog's gonna be on the menu if it don't shut its yap!"

"Aww, don't worry," Gray laughed, walking up to the duo and reaching a hand out toward the excited canine, "she's really swee- _AAUUUUUUUGHHH_!!" He yanked back the bleeding stump of what was left of his hand and grinned weakly at Saya. "It's okay! I didn't need that hand anyway!"

"…I'm leaving now," Saya stated quietly. "Please don't try to stop me." She began slowly inching around the bleeding old man when he cocked an eyebrow and stopped her with a single sentence.

"We have ice-cream."

Saya froze.

"…With…chocolate syrup?" She whispered harshly.

"And _sprinkles_," Gray added with a grin.

"I…LOVE…you!" Saya whimpered, tears welling in her eyes.

"Ice-cream for breakfast," Haji wondered aloud, "I don't think that's really health-"

"SHUT THE _BLEEP_ UP HAJI!! WE'RE STAYING FOR BREAKFAST!!"

-Breakfast _Tiiiiime_!-

Saya sat at the family's small table, finishing her enormous bowl of ice-cream and watching the kids with a mixture of disgust/curiosity.

"Why do they smell like _pee_?" She thought to herself as she licked the bowl clean. Nearby, Louis stood at the oven, his sleeves rolled up as he cooked vigorously.

"Alright, let's put some more _butter_ and maple _syrup_!" He crowed, adding both to the frying pan before him.

"Dude, you're not even making _pancakes_!" Kai complained.

"…So?" Louis asked blankly.

"Who taught you how to cook, anyway?!"

"Paula _Dean_!"

"Figures…" Kai sighed and gave up. At the fridge behind him, Gray cleared his throat loudly.

"Well, we need some eggs!" He said brightly. "Kai and Saya, go get some more from the back yard, would you?"

"We don't needs eggs," Kai scoffed. "I just went this morning and got some!"

"We've already used them all," Gray retorted. "We're all out. Go get some."

"I can see them in the fridge right behind you!" Kai cried, pointing. Gray gave him a crazed, insane look and began slowly walking closer and closer to him.

"Okay, okay! We're _going_! Geez! Come on, Saya," Kai quickly grabbed Saya's hand and hauled her out the door to the backyard. There, chickens clucked in the green grass and warmed themselves in the sun. Kai cautiously approached one, hand outstretched and clucking in friendship.

"Hey, chicky-chick! Cluck, cluck! Gimme your eggs, okay? Cluck! Just gimme your- _AUUUUUGH_!!" He stumbled backwards as the chicken launched itself at his face, claws slashing. As Kai struggled with the violent fowl, Saya simply stepped up and punted it like a football across the yard (don't arrest me, PETA!). "…Well _you've_ sure changed," Kai muttered, sitting up and brushing himself off. "Here, catch." He tossed Saya an egg, which she fumbled and dropped to the ground with a splat.

"…Whoops," Saya coughed nervously, backing away from the mess.

"Aww, geez, Saya," Kai sighed, kneeling in the grass, "this egg was a metaphor of our family life, so warm and fragile! Now look, it's all shattered and gooey! It represents how we were, and how we are now! …Man I'm deep!"

"…Actually, I just dropped the egg," Saya cut him off. "It's no big deal, really. Just get me a rag or something and I'll clean it up."

"You think it's that easy?!" Kai stood up suddenly, looking Saya in the eye. "Lemme tell you about the people here. There's Nahabi, the little boy brat who pisses over everything. Then there's Javier, the little girl brat who also pisses over everything. After that there's Gray, the old crack-makin' man who owns the place. And last of all there's Monique, whose bed you slept in. I wish she'd joined you. …And smelled you a little."

"I suggest you shut up before I make you _lay_ this bitch," Saya said dangerously, holding up an egg she'd just gotten. Kai stared at the white oval and gulped. "And why are you telling me this stuff anyway? It's not like we're fighting together anymore. You and I are different!"

"Hey, I know!" Kai drawled, rolling his eyes extravagantly. "I went to Health Class!" He pointed at his own crotch. "Penis!" He pointed at Saya's. "Vagina! See, I know that we're different!"

"That's _not_ what I meant!" Saya huffed, placing a protective hand in front of her business. "I meant our strength, our feelings, and everything else!"

"So…you're saying you have a penis?" Kai asked, thoroughly confused.

"Were you even _listening_?!"

Elsewhere on the premises, Haji was enjoying a stroll in the warm morning sun. At least, he was until he rounded the shed and came upon a noisily-vomiting David. Luckily his back was to him, so after several long moments of staring in silence, he began _slooooowly_ backing away, careful not to make a sound.

"Hold on, you!"

"_Damn_." Haji froze in his tracks and looked at David, who wiped his mouth and turned around. "What happened to you?" The chevalier asked coolly. "You give up fighting?"

"Yeah," David replied with amusement, "I traded in my gun for this." He held up a flask of liquor. "And I traded in Julia for _this_." He held up his hand.

An awkward silence passed between the two.

"…Perhaps that's not an appropriate thing to say in a teen-rated fic," David stated uncomfortably.

"I second that," Haji agreed with a cough. "Let's just forget the fic author ever wrote that sentence, shall we?" Suddenly he gasped, his whole body jerking in surprise.

"What's wrong?!" David asked worriedly.

"…Nothing, I just had to fart." Haji admitted, blushing.

"Oh, I thought a Chiropteran had appeared…" David settled back down.

"Well yes, that too, but I thought you were more interest in my flatulence problem that a stupid little-"

"Haji!!" Saya came bolting over the lawn to her loyal man-slave's side. "There's a Chiro- _euuuuugh_! What is that _smell_?!"

"That'd be me!" David said proudly, raising a hand.

"_And_ me," Haji added. Saya gave them both disgusted looks before continuing.

"Listen to me! A Chiropteran is nearby! It might even be in the-"

Screams suddenly echoed from the small house.

"…house!" Saya finished.

"_I'll_ save them!" Kai declared, bolting for the building.

"No, you're too weak! Plus I'm the main character!" Saya hollered, taking off after him. "I'll do it!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

As the two squabbled and ran for the house, David suddenly gasped aloud and jumped to his feet.

"Oh, no!" He cried. "_Boozie Jr.'s_ in there! Boozie, I'm coming!!" He began sprinting away, leaving Haji standing there like an idiot.

"Um…Saya's ass is over there," Haji shrugged and started after them. "I'm sorry, that's all I can come up with."

Inside the house, a lone Chiropteran was running rampant, going berserk thanks to Gray and his inability to clean up his crack leftovers. Now it was not only bloodthirsty, but flying higher than a kite. Nice going, old man.

"You owe me fifty bucks, you bastard!" Gray shouted at the monster, firing his shotgun. "And that was my good stuff, too! Damn you!" His curses were cut short as the Chiropteran threw his against the wall, but luckily he was saved.

"Take this!" Louis rolled in a cannon from the hallway, lit it with a torch, and let a cannonball fly. "Yeah, _now_ we're talking!"

Shaking its large head to clear it, the bruised and smoldering Chiropteran staggered to its feet and lurched out of the kitchen, staggering up the stairs and to the second floor of the house. Reaching one of the bedroom doors, it bashed it open and stuck its head inside.

"_Eeeek_!" Monique stood there, obviously in the middle of changing. "Get OUT, you perv!" She shrieked, throwing a pillow at the rude monster, who blushed and quickly retreated out of the room.

"Sorry, sorry!" It apologized, then came to its senses. "What the? Why the hell should _I_ care?! You're all meals on legs, as far as I'm concerned!!" It barged right back into the room ("What is _wrong_ with you?!"), and, seemingly following Saya's scent, crouched on the bed, snuffling away.

Downstairs, Kai and Saya had finally reached the house and were ready to help.

"Where's the Chiropteran?!" Kai asked between gasps.

"Upstairs with Monique!" Louis answered. Kai paused.

"…Doing what, exactly?"

"_Eating_ her, you idiot!" Louis cried, shoving the foolish boy toward the stairs.

"Where's my sword?!" Saya yelled in the commotion, unable to find her weapon. Everyone was a bit too busy at the moment to help her out.

Upstairs, Monique was still trapped in the bedroom with the dangerous Chiropteran. It continued sniffing at the bed and sheets, absorbed in Saya's scent.

"Oh, well," Monique sighed and shrugged, "I don't really mind this, actually. It's better than babysitting those two little hellions. I mean, at least it's not pee-"

_Tinkle, tinkle_!

"Sorry," the Chiropteran whimpered. "I couldn't hold it in anymore."

"That's it!! You're gonna die, you _bleep_ing bastard!!" Monique finally lost it, seizing a nearby baseball bat and approaching the monster with murder in her eyes. It began backing away in fright when the door banged open, David standing there in all his drunken glory.

"Hey, Chiropteran!" He called tauntingly, swaying a little. "Oooh! Lookit me! Aren't I yummy? Mm-_mmm_, bitch!" He began rubbing his body suggestively, trying to entice the creature away from Monique. "Supper-time! Come an' get it!"

The Chiropteran nearly puked (and thank God it didn't because then Monique would have _really_ lost it and I don't want to say what she'd have done with that baseball bat of hers) in disgust, losing its appetite for the next few weeks thanks to the skinny man's antics. It stumbled out of the bedroom to the hallway, where Saya suddenly jumped up over the railing onto its back, killing it easily with a small kitchen knife soaked in her blood.

As the Chiropteran finally died, its body crystallizing, Gray ran up, Saya sword in his hand.

"Here, I found it! Your sword was behind the secret compartment, past the moat of molten lava guarded by trolls-"

"Whatever, just _gimme_!" Saya snatched her sword back and huggled it lovingly. Realizing the Chiropteran attack was her own fault, she quickly left the house, feeling sad and a bit guilty. Haji finally appeared after a short ways from the house.

"And just where the hell _were_ you?" Saya demanded angrily.

"I…I had to tie my shoe," he stated innocently. Saya scowled.

"Your shoes don't _have_ laces," she pointed out.

"…Look, I just don't want to get run through again, okay? I'm getting really sick of it." The two continued bickering as they walked off into the distance.

-Later-

"Kai," David called from the couch. "Come see this."

"_Whaaaaat_?" Kai groaned, dragging himself over irritably.

"Look at the TV," the skinny man ordered. Kai looked, his eyes widening.

"What? Beyonce's got a new concert?! MOVE, Skeletor!! That girl's got, like, two asses!"

"No!!" David barked. "Not Beyonce, _Diva_!!" On the small television, an advertisement for a coming concert was being shown. On stage, a small, Riku-looking girl in a sailor uniform smiled sweetly at the audience.

"Aww…it's just that sadistic bitch Diva masquerading as my poor raped dead brother," Kai slumped over, disappointed. "I wish it was Beyonce…"

-Episode 34 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, this one's a bit long, eh? Sorry, I guess I just had alotta jokes I wanted to use. I sure am going to miss drunk David, he was a lot of fun. Oh, well! Hope you liked it, and see you next time! Review, please!


	35. Episode 35: Future Without Hope

Author's Note: Wow, yet another fun episode! I wonder why I've enjoyed the last few so much? Eh, maybe because there's so much David and Kai, they're my favorites to mess with. I guess it's a good thing, as when I have fun, it means more laughs for you all. …At least I hope so. Anyway, read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 35

Future Without Hope

At the same moment David and Kai were at the house watching the commercial for Diva's upcoming opera, Saya and Haji were in the city of London, also seeing that very same commercial from one of the many TV screens put up on the street. Saya's eyes narrowed as the Riku-lookin' chick smiled at the camera, a slogan appearing underneath: "Come see the _fantastic_ Diva at the Royal Covent Garden! Her voice is so lovely, you could _almost_ say she's the queen of a murderous and bloodthirsty race who will stop at nothing for our destruction, but don't take _my_ word for it! Buy your tickets _today_!"

Saya couldn't take it anymore.

"Don't listen to her!!" She cried aloud, jabbing an accusing finger at the advertisement. "It's a sham!! She's a fraud!! It's really a 500-pound Viking opera singer!! Lies! _Liiiiiiiiieeeees_!!"

The people in the street edged away nervously from them, casting disturbed and concerned looks at the shrieking small Japanese girl. Haji cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry," he apologized to them, "she's on her period."

At this, the women nodded in understanding, and the men flinched in pain.

"Good luck with that!" One man said, patting Haji on the shoulder.

"I do NOT have my period!!" Saya snarled, rounding on Haji now that the commercial was over.

"Then why are you so _bleep_ing crazy right now?"

"I'll show YOU _bleep_ing crazy!!"

Five shadowed figures also watched the commercial from a nearby rooftop. The Schiff had been quite bored and were surprised to see their mortal enemy cavorting around onscreen.

"Diva's song, huh?" Moses muttered to himself, his one eye narrowing.

"I wish it was Beyonce…" Karman muttered quietly to himself.

"Ah! That smell!" Lulu closed her eyes and sniffed at the wind.

"What, is it Saya?" Karman asked.

"No, even better." Lulu smiled. "_Hotdogs_." Karman stared at her for a moment, then shoved her off the building.

"What?" He asked his companions, feigning ignorance. "My hand slipped."

"Oh, _please_," Moses snorted. "You're just mad because of the Beyonce thing."

"Am NOT!" Karman protested, tugging down his hood to hide his angry tears. Ignoring their sniveling companion, the Schiff went back to watching the advertisement.

"We should attack her," Darth suggested, and the sunglasses dude (Gudrif?) nodded in agreement. Moses stared at the two of them intensely. "…What?"

"You…you got a little something on your face…" he stated, brushing at the red Thorn cracks creeping over their faces. "…Right _there_."

"We KNOW!" They shouted together, shoving Moses off the roof to join Lulu down below. They turned and stared at Karman. "We…we slipped."

"See, _you_ guys understand!" Karman exclaimed.

-Back at Gray's House-

Kai stood outside the house in the darkness of the night, staring up at the starry sky while simultaneously voiding his bladder. How little he felt, standing there and peeing, as he gazed up at the glory of the cosmos. How small, and insignificant he seemed, when-

"Hey, Kai, you- whoa!!"  
"_AUUUUUUUUUGH_!!" Kai leapt in fright and hurriedly finished with his business, zipping his fly and whirling around to find a red-faced Monique standing there. "Holy _bleep_, girl! Don't sneak up on me like that! I was thinking! Now what IS it?"

"Were you thinking about Saya?" Monique asked, a little sadly. Kai blinked.

"What? No, of course not!" He stuttered nervously. "What makes you think that?'

"Well…that." Monique pointed to the ground, where Kai had written 'Saya' in cursive with his urine.

"Oh. Th…that was an accident." Kai quickly kicked dirt over the mess and muttered to himself. "Why is that better than my _normal_ handwriting?"

"What is Saya to you?" Monique pressed. "Do you like her or something?"

The policeman from earlier episodes suddenly rose up from the nearby bushes, staring intensely at the back of Kai's head, who began sweating profusely.

"Er, no, not at all!" The policeman's eyes narrowed, and he slowly sank back down into the shrubbery. "We're family," Kai went on to explain.

"Like Javier and Nahabi?" Monique asked.

"Yeah," Kai agreed, "except I don't wanna _bleep_ 'em."

There was an awkward silence.

"I'm gonna…go clean up some piss or something," Monique stated, then began _slooowly_ backing away. The back door of the house suddenly opened, and David stepped out, all cleaned up (awww, _dammit_)! He was back in his professional black suit, with his hair combed and face shaven. His mug was all cut up from the razor, as he didn't have so much a face as a skull with skin stretched over it.

"Hey, shut up," David growled, fingering his many cuts. "I got alotta angles to work with, okay?" He glanced over his shoulder at Monique and Kai, who stared at him in surprise." I'm off to London," he told them. "I'll be back tomor- _AUUUGH_!"

The rabid dog had struck again, this time latching onto one of David's thin legs and attempting to drag him off and bury him, apparently thinking the skinny man was a walking, talking heap of bones (how right it is!) David wasn't one to put up with this crap, and so whipped out his gun and shot the canine several times.

"_Stay_," he said firmly, holding out a hand to the bleeding dog. It didn't move. "Good boy! Well, I'm off." He turned and walked off into the dark woods. Kai inched closer to the dog's prone body, then went to nudge it with his foot.

"_RAFF RAFF RAFF_!!"

"_OhmiGodit'sstillalive_!!"

-With Saya-

Saya and Haji, having been shown out of the city by London security (and ticketed for disturbing the peace), had taken refuge for the night in a small, abandoned church. Saya sat on one of the pews, holding her sword tightly and huddled under a small blanket to stay warm. Haji sat on another bench, his cello leaning against his knee as he played. Halfway through the song, he paused and looked at Saya.

"Do you know how awesomely _hot_ it would be to fornicate in this holy place right now?" He asked in a serious tone of voice.

"I am NOT desecrating a church!" Saya growled back.

"…Just checking." Haji went back to playing the cello, then glanced at his master again. "Saya, you should rest. Why not get some sleep?"

"No, I'm fine," Saya answered stubbornly. "Don't worry about me."

Haji, in retaliation, began playing a lullaby.

"Aagh! No! S-stop it! I'm not…_Zzzzz_…"

-Elsewhere-

Back in the city of London, the Schiff were busy scouring the streets for a suitable hiding place for the night. Lulu chose a large, abandoned warehouse by the docks and led the others to it.

"Come on, it's fine!" She promised them, sliding open the heavy door. "It's not like we'll be hideously slaughtered by the foe in here!"

"Well _I'm_ convinced!" Moses stated, following her inside. The others rolled their eyes but entered also, closing the door behind them.

"Look," Lulu giggled, lighting a small candle so it cast its feeble flame around the dark room, "it's the light of hope! _Tee hee_!"

"Okay," Karman drawled, "_that_ was so cheesy, I'll be backed up for a _week_."

"You got more than _crap_ stuck up there!!" Lulu hollered at him, but before the two could go at it, there was movement in the dark corners of the warehouse. Someone was there!

"Suck on the light of hope, freak!!" Lulu shrieked, snatching up the candle and whipping it at the figure closest to her. Immediately it caught on fire and howled in pain, rolling on the ground. "Hmm…hope's a pretty powerful weapon. A-haha!"

"We're surrounded!" Moses growled as more figures leapt from the shadows and formed a ring around the Schiff. "Who the hell _are_ these bastards?!"

"They're Lil' J's Hot Back-Up-Dancing Crew!" A voice answered from above. The Schiff looked up to see James standing on the second story of the building, who then shrugged. "Also known as the Corpse Corps, but my name is _much_ cooler, right dawg? And now, time to die." He cleared his throat, pulled out a microphone, and began rapping. "First we _bleep_ you up, then we _bleep_ you down, next we _bleep_ you all around and leave you in the ground!"

"You're gonna kill us…with your horrible lyrics?" Karman asked in confusion. "And apparently _bleep_ us?" James scowled.

"NO! I said _bleep_ you UP, not _bleep_ YOU. There's a huge difference there. Now my back-up dancers are gonna slaughter you punk-asses! Go, homies!" Immediately the Corpse Corps soldiers obeyed, leaping at the Schiff and engaging them in combat. The poor vampire-wannabe's were no match at all to the superior soldier's hot dance moves and undeniable rhythms.

"We can't _possibly_ compete with _their_ hot moves!" Gudrif cried in dismay before he was cut down.

"Moses! Let's run!" Lulu wailed as the battle became more and more desperate. "We're gonna get _served_! There's no way we can win this!!"

"Damn, she's right!" Moses growled, barely able to hold his own against the dancing soldiers. "Wait, I've got it! Everyone!" He turned and hollered over his shoulder. "Aim for the Chevalier! He's the one DJ-ing the beat! They can't dance without music, can they!"

"Good idea!" Karman agreed, and everyone went for James, who indeed had his own turntable and was scratching discs while holding a pair of headphones up to his ear. He saw the Schiff approaching and smirked, a Corpse Corps soldier blocking the way before they could reach him. Suddenly the soldier's mask fell off, and Moses gasped as he found himself gazing back at his own reflection.

"What the…the soldier's have my face!" He cried in shock, then paused. "Damn, I am _hot_!"

"Shut up and fight it!!" Karman hollered at him.

"I can't! I'm too pretty!"

"Type Moses," James explained with a grin. "Selected from all the prototypes that posses the ideal genetic information and refined into a finished Schiff product, they are born to be high-grade combat weapons." He blinked. "Also, you were the best-looking of the group."

"Ooooh, _told_ you!!" Moses chortled in triumph.

"Hey, I _resent_ that!" Karman snapped, feeling put out.

"Now, I've got a recording session with P. Diddy to get to," James said dangerously, "so can you all please die as quickly as possible? Thanks. …Dawg." The back-up dancing soldiers came forward again, and the Schiff were helpless.

"Quick, get Lulu out of here!" Moses yelled over his shoulder, and Darth quickly dropped his mace and picked the little girl up, then whipped her at the hard and unforgiving wall.

_Smack_!

"Throw her out the _window_, you idiot!"

"Oh." Darth blinked (or at least tried to, you know how _bleep_ed up his eyes are), picked up Lulu's broken body, and chucked it out the window. As the little Schiff staggered to her feet, she gazed at the warehouse where sounds of fighting still erupted.

"I'll go get help!" She promised them. "I swear, I'll do whatever it takes to- _ooh_, arcade!!" She started to run toward the lit-up attraction, then forced herself to stop and go find help. Naturally, the first person she went to go see was…

Neo from the Matrix.

"Sorry, girl," Neo told her sadly, "I only fight machines. What you've got on your hands are vampire-monster-hybrids. But good luck with that!" He paused and regarded her quietly. "Also, what the _bleep_ is wrong with your eyes?"

"I'll shove that damn spoon of yours right up your ass!" Lulu barked, kicking his ankle before dashing off. Damn, who to ask now? Who would help her? Who could she _possibly_ go to in this time of-

Oh. Of course.

"_Sayaaaa_!" Lulu cried, banging open the door of the abandoned church and barging in. "I need your he-"

"_GAAAHH_!!" Haji leapt away from Saya in fright, who was lying on one of the pews sleeping. Lulu stared at the chevalier as he stared back, blinking rapidly. "I wasn't doing anything," he stated quietly. "Honest." He paused. "I'll give you candy."

"_Deal_!" Lulu squealed in delight, then remembered something more important. "Wait, not right now! Saya, wake up, I need your help!"

"Eh?" Saya gave a loud snort and sat up, awake. She blinked sleepily as Lulu ran to her feet and gazed at her with wide eyes. "What do you want?" Lulu smiled.

"Man, it's a good thing you had hotdogs, Saya! That's how I found you," she explained. "Also, your chevalier smells _overwhelmingly_ like Axe body spray."

"You're welcome!" Haji sang, giving her a wink.

"That's _not_ a compliment," Saya told him, then turned to Lulu, "and I _know_."

"Saya, please help us!!" Lulu begged, falling to her knees. "Some weird rapping chevalier showed up and…and…_served_ us! Their dance moves! Their hot tracks! We were no match for them at all! Please, help us!"

"Geez, were you fighting or having a dance-off?" Haji scoffed, rolling his eyes. Saya stood up, clutching her sword tightly and pulling the blanket off of her.

"Haji, carry her," she ordered, a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

"Roger." Haji stepped forward and swept Saya up in his arms.

"I said carry HER." Saya ground out, pointing at Lulu.

"But…but you have _breasts_," Haji stammered. "And normal-looking eyes." Saya glared. "Oh, alright, alright." He put Saya down and turned to Lulu. "Just don't look at me, okay?"

-Later-

After much searching and running (and trips to the arcade), Saya, Haji, and Lulu were finally able to locate the warehouse where the slaughter of the Schiff had taken place. Saya shoved open the door and did a secret-agent tumble inside, only to find the enemy was already long gone. Haji, carrying Lulu on his shoulders, followed her in.

"Okay, now turn left! _Left_!!" Lulu squealed excitedly, covering Haji's eyes with her hands and guiding him along verbally. It wasn't working very well, as he kept walking into walls. "Oops, sorry about that. Now turn right." _Bang_! "Oops, sorry, I meant _my_ right."

"Your right IS my right!!"

"Will you two cut it out and help me look around?!" Saya snapped at them. Haji happily shoved the little girl off his shoulders and helped Saya look around the warehouse. They quickly found Darth and Gudrif (Batou-wannabe and sunglasses), both fatally injured.

"Gudrif, no!" Lulu gasped in horror, kneeling next to her friend. "You…you can't die! Please! I…I…can I have you sunglasses?"

"Oh, _hells_ no, bitch," Gudrif stated before he and Darth burst into green flames.

"_NOOOOOOOOOO_!!" Lulu wailed, although if it was over the loss of the sunglasses or her friends I can't really tell. Moses and Karman, having been able to also escape the attack, showed up soon after, taking Lulu under their wing.

"Hmm, looks like I couldn't help you suckers again," Saya sighed, glancing at the three remaining Schiff. "I'm still charging you for the labor, though." She turned on her heel and sauntered out the door, Haji close on her heels.

"…She's changed," Karman muttered, watching her go.

"Yeah," Moses agreed. "I liked the pink sweater n' skirt combo better."

"I didn't mean her clothes!" Karman snapped at him. "…But yeah, I liked them better too."

-The Next Day, at Some Stuffed-Animal Museum (Not the Cute Kind, the Dead Animal Kind)-

Somewhere in the city of London, in a large museum filled with taxidermy animals, a meeting between Diva (who's still in girl-Riku form) and her many chevaliers was taking place. Well, Diva was more playing with the dead animals than paying attention, really, but Amshel didn't let this bother him as he addressed the others.

"Hmm…" the eyelashed man mused, having gotten James's report of last night's attack, "even though the Schiff weren't all killed as planned, things are going well. Diva's concert is near, the Delta Project is showing results, and I took a fan_tastic_ bowel movement this morning."

The other chevaliers all stared at him.

"What?!" Amshel growled, flushing. "That's important! I thought you'd all want to know that!"

"NO." Was the unanimous answer.

"Fine!" Amshel sniffed disdainfully. "Anyway, moving on, Saya has appeared once again and is getting in our way. Something must be done!"

"Ooh! Ooh, me! Pick me, Amshel, pick me!!" Karl begged, throwing an arm (oh GOD) up in the air and waving it desperately. "Please, pick me! I wanna do it, me, me, _me_!!"

"I hear you loud and clear," Amshel told him, then turned right to James. "James-"

"_Lil' J_!" He corrected.

"…Lil' J," Amshel reluctantly agreed, "I charge you with eliminating Saya."

"Coo, dawg! Check it, check it! My new album drops-"

"Okay, just GO!" Amshel barked, shoving him toward the exit.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Nathan called teasingly. James stopped, frowning. Nathan held up a large, expensive-looking piece of jewelry, sparkling with gold and diamonds and attached to a long chain.

"My bling-bling!" James gasped in surprise. "Give that back! It's worth more than your _hair_!"

"Why, you-"

As the two began squabbling, a loud crash filled the air, and Amshel whirled around to find that Diva had broken one of the display cases filled with animals.

"HEY!" He hollered, storming toward her, "it says don't tap on the glass, brat!!" Diva responded by whipping a stuffed possum at his head.

"No-one _ever_ listens to me!" Karl sniffled, standing next to Solomon, who blinked and looked at him.

"Huh? What was that?" He asked. "I wasn't listening. I was too busy thinking how much I'd like to bang Saya."

"_I hate this freaking family_!!" Karl wailed, rushing out of the room in tears. Solomon watched him go, shrugged, and went back to his perverted thoughts.

-That Night…-

As night fell over London once again, the remaining Schiff snuck into a graveyard and buried the weapons of their fallen comrades. As they kicked dirt over the shallow grave, they debated as to what they should do now.

"We have to get Diva for this!" Karman growled, grinding his teeth in fury. "Let's attack her tonight!"

"But we can't do it alone," Moses argued. "Perhaps we should ask-"

"Keanu Reeves said no," Lulu piped up. Moses's face fell.

"_Dammit_!!" Karman cursed. "The One, my ass! And you!" He rounded on Moses. "You have to learn to fight those back-up-soldiers or whatever!"

"But I can't fight myself!" Moses protested. "I'm too pretty to kill!"

"It'll be easy for you, huh?" Lulu said, nudging Karman.

"Tell me about it," Karman grunted. "I just might 'accidentally' forget which is which."

-Elsewhere-

David, after finally making the trip to London city, went to go see Joel in his large mansion. As soon as he walked into Joel's private rooms, the paralyzed man zoomed up on his wheelchair.

"David, you're here! And you're not piss-ass drunk, what a treat!" Joel smiled at his friend. "Come here, gimme a hug!"

"Ow! OW!" David wasn't positive, but he was 75 percent sure that a hug didn't include getting his shins cracked by Joel's wheelchair. He put up with the pain, however, and gave his former boss a pat on the shoulder before getting back to business. "So, what have you been up to?"

"I wish to rebuild Red Shield," Joel declared, getting right to the point. "It's my duty as one who carries the name of Joel. Plus, those bitches took my legs. So, what do you say?" He stared up at David, waiting expectantly.

"Well…I say…" David was about to answer when he noticed something strange. "Why do you have strings tied to your ankles?"

"Ooh, wanna see? I made it myself!" Joel giggled and leaned forward. Taking hold of the strings in his hands, he began jerking them this way and that, making his limp, floppy legs jump and dance as if on their own. "Let's go, girls! One, two! One, two! _Whooo_!"

"Have you taken your medication today, sir?" An agent asked, poking his head in the door.

"_You're just jealous of my hot legs_!!"

"Dear God…" David thought to himself, watching the agent leap on Joel and force-feed him his medicine. "I _can't_ say no now…"

-With Saya-

"Will you fight with us?" Lulu was begging Saya, having found her once again at the old, crumbling church and pleading her assistance. "Please, Saya! Please fight with me!"

"Alright." Saya cleared her throat and shot Lulu a scathing glare. "You're a stinky doo-doo head!" She hissed. "And you've got freaky eyes!!"

"I mean against _Diva_!" Lulu clarified huffily.

"Oh. Then no." Saya turned from her and settled back on the pew to sleep.

"Come on, _please_!!" Lulu implored her. "Sure, Moses can be really annoying at times (maybe all the time), and Karman acts like he's got a telephone post jammed up his rectum, but they're really not bad guys once you get to know them! Please, Saya! Help us!"

"_Pffft_, please," Saya snorted. "I don't need any more friends. Go away." Lulu stared at her.

"Geez, when did you become such a _bitch_?"

"_OUUUUUUUTTTT_!!"

As Lulu turned to go, she glanced up at Haji, whose face still held the painful reminders of letting Lulu ride on his shoulders and blindfold him.

"Will you remember me?" Lulu asked him weakly. He blinked.

"Oh, I'll remember you," he answered. "At least until these pills kick in!" So saying, he then downed a whole bottle of painkillers in a single gulp.

"YOU _BOTH_ SUCK ASS!!"

-Later, With the Schiff-

Moses, Karman, and Lulu leapt into the air, crashing through the window of the stuffed-animal museum, weapons thirsty for Diva's blood. Once they were inside the building, however, things didn't go so well.

"Aaagh! Diva!" Lulu shrieked in fear.

"Lulu, that's a stuffed goat."

"Oh." Lulu turned. "Aaagh! Diva!"

"Lulu, that's a stuffed bear."

"Oh." Lulu turned once again. "Aaagh! Back-up dancers!!"

"Lulu, that's- oh, no, wait. Those _are_ back-up dancers." Moses paused. "AUUUUUGH!!" The small group of Schiff leapt at the three Corpse Corps soldiers, engaging them in battle. Once again, they were no match, and surely would have lost had not Saya burst through a window and saved the day.

"Hmph! Think you can stand up against _my_ moves?" She growled, eyeing the dancing soldiers. "Well guess what! During my year of training, I took private lessons from Michael Jackson. MJ, _bitches_!!"

What happened next can only be described as a dance GENOCIDE. Saya and Haji finished off the twitching soldiers with a scalding-hot tango dance.

"Now get the _bleep_ offa me." She stated once it was over, shoving Haji away from her.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in London, in a subway station below the streets, David sat waiting on one of the benches located next to the tracks, reading a diet book and taking down notes. His quiet studying came to an end, however, when Mao, followed closely by Okamura, stormed up to him with a pissy expression on her face.

"Where's Kai?!" She immediately demanded. David ignored her.

"You quit boozin', eh?" Okamura grinned, noting David's clean suit and lack of a foul smell. "Good for you! Though it is unusual to be contacted by you and not the chubby gentleman."

"Hey, he's not chubby! He's fluffy!" Mao interrupted, glaring at Okamura. "There's a _difference_!" She paused. "Plus he's sexy."

The two men stared at her.

"_Whaaaaat_?" Mao scowled at them.

"Listen," David went on, breaking the awkward moment, "I want you guys to investigate the sponsors for Diva's concert, alright?"

"Why should we?!" Mao snapped, bristling in anger. David's eyes narrowed.

"I'll give you Kai."

Mao waited.

"And Louis's phone number."

"_SOLD_!" Mao cried in jubilation, throwing her arms in the air.

Behind her, a single tear ran down Okamura's cheek.

-Episode 35 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whoo, done! That was quite enjoyable. A lot of swearing in this episode for some reason, I'm glad I censor myself. I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna be very busy again next week (manual labor around the house, studying for a test, traveling). Despite this, I still want to _attempt_ to do the next episode, even though there's a chance I won't get it done in time or not at all. So if it's not posted in time, please bear with me, I'm doing the best I can. It'll either be a little late, or I'll just hold it off for the next week. Sorry again. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter, and review please!


	36. Episode 36: Mismatched Emotions

Author's Note: Whoo, _finally_, I'm back! Sorry again for the delay, but _damn_ was I busy. I was gone for three whole days, then I was working in and around the house the rest, and now my computer won't stop _dieing_ on me! It has to be on life support (plugged in all the damn time) and I'm almost ready to throw it at the wall. Once again I'm sorry for making everyone wait, but it couldn't be helped. There's a little David and Kai in this episode, so hopefully that'll make up for the long wait. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 36

Mismatched Emotions

It was night in London once again (geez, that's the third or fourth time I start the chapter off with that). A thin mist of fog dimmed the streetlights and made the city thrum with an unearthly glow. Upon one of the many high walls of the city, a single Diva poster could be seen, advertising the upcoming opera for the psychotic blood-sucking bitch.

Saya stood before the poster, glaring at it.

"Diva…" she growled deep in her throat, seething with hatred. Slowly her hand slid to her pocket and withdrew…

A permanent marker.

"Hahaha…_hahahahaaaa_!!" Saya laughed in triumph as she began doodling on Diva's photographic visage, giving her a Viking helmet and long braids. She was in the middle of making her appear fatter when she was rudely interrupted.

"Hey!" A night watchman snapped, hurrying over with his flashlight. "Whaddaya think you're doing?! That's a fifty dollar fine, girly! I sure hope you-"

"Oh, _you_ want some of this to?!"

"_Waaaaugh_!"

"Run!!" Haji screamed in warning. "For the love of all that's holy in this world, RUN!! She's _still_ on her period!!"

"I am NOT!!" Saya hollered, turning on him. Haji blinked.

"I…changed my mind," he stated. "Can you kill that guy instead of me?"

"Too late!!"

"_Fuhhhh_-!!"

-The Next Day-

The next day, when the sky had brightened to show a shining sun and puffy white clouds, events were taking place at a huge mansion with lovely flower gardens and trimmed hedges. Inside the beautiful estate, Amshel stood facing a fireplace (has the fool learned _nothing_?), berating a stubborn-looking Karl standing behind him.

"What is your main objective?" Amshel asked steadily, and Karl perked up.

"To…kill Saya?" He answered.

"No. Listen. You are to-"

"_Slaughter_ Saya?" Karl corrected. "Murder her? Exterminate her? No?" He held up a thesaurus. "I'll get it eventually. Ooh, here's a good one. Am I to _decimate_-"

"SILENCE!!" Amshel bellowed in rage, cutting him off. "Silence, I say! The eyelashes _command_ it!!"

"…What?" Karl asked after a moment.

"Er…nothing." Amshel cleared his throat and gazed at the fire. "Anyway, survey says the answer to that was 'protect Diva', not 'kill Saya', alright? So be a good boy…girl…_thing_, whatever the hell you are, and just forget about Saya, alright?"

"Damn you!!" Karl hissed, whirling on his heel and storming off in a huff. He paused at the door and glared back at Amshel over his shoulder. "Oh, and by the way," he snarled, "your pants have been on fire for the last _thirty_ seconds."

Amshel looked down to see his privates once again ablaze.

"SON of a-"

Outside the mansion, James was having just as much trouble dealing with Diva (normal form), who wanted to go for a ride but refused to board the rapper's pimped-out limousine.

"I'm NOT getting in there," she stated, frowning at the spinners on the wheels and rap music blaring from the speakers. "It's full of spilled vodka and whore-fleas."

"No, it isn't," James assured her firmly. "Not anymore, anyway, I just had it sent to the cleaners. Now _please_, get in!"

"I refuse!" Diva turned her nose up in the air and sniffed disdainfully. James sighed and decided to use drastic measures.

"Look, Diva!" He pulled out a Saya-doll and waved it in the air temptingly. "It's Saya! Get the sister! Get her!" He quickly threw the doll into the limo and moved out of the way as Diva roared like a T-rex and leapt for the doll, slashing it apart with her claws and devouring the cottony insides with relish. Slamming the door shut, he hurried to the driver's seat and took off down the road, spitting up dirt and stones in his wake.

"James, I want to sing!" Diva stated, having had her fill of the Saya-doll.

"Then go on American Idol!" James grunted, watching the road. "And it's 'Lil' J', if you don't mind."

"No, take me to the Covent Garden!" Diva begged. "And I _do_ mind."

"Look, how about I take you to my studi-"

"COVENT GARDEN!!" Diva screamed.

"ALRIGHT!!" James screamed back, then slammed on the gas and sped off.

-Later-

James and Diva arrived at the large opera-house, a massive white building with a wide stage and rows of seats for the audience. As Diva dashed inside with James in tow, Nathan popped up out of nowhere and squealed with glee.

"_Eee_! James, you came to see me!" He sang, skipping up to the black man and throwing his arms around him. Pressing his face against one side of James's face and his hands against the other, he smiled. "Mmm! Look, we are a backwards oreo!"

"GET OFFA ME!!"

"James, watch!" Diva's voice called from above. James looked up just in time to see Diva (now back in little-Riku form) leap from a high balcony near the ceiling and come hurtling down. Gasping in fright, the rapper/chevalier jumped forward and narrowly caught her before she hit the floor.

"Don't do that again!" James chided her. "You scared the hell out of me!"

"James, watch!" Nathan's voice echoed from above. James and Diva looked up to see Nathan jump from the very same ledge…and smash into the ground below with a dull thud.

"…What was that supposed to accomplish, exactly?" James asked after a moment.

"You were supposed to _catch_ me!" Nathan hissed, staggering back to his feet.

"You _said_ watch," James pointed out, then added, "and you _really_ expected me to?"

"Hurry up and _bleep_ing sing, Diva!!"

-Meanwhile, at Gray's House-

At Gray's quant little house in the countryside, things couldn't be more normal. Gray was busy making crack while the two kids annoyed the hell out of him, demanding to know where Kai had disappeared too (since causing him physical and emotion pain was their prime source of entertainment).

"Where's Kai? Where's Kai? Where's Kai?" The kids sang, dancing around Gray as he sat on the couch.

"Will you brats _shut up_?!" The old man finally exploded. "I'm trying to make crack- er, I mean, the magical powder that makes money appear, so be good and stay quiet, okay?"

"Okaaay," the children reluctantly agreed.

BAM!!

Suddenly the door slammed open, and Monique barged in.

"Alright! Which one of you pee-filled meat-bags pissed on my shoes?!" She demanded, dividing her glare between Javier and Nahabi. "_Which one_?" The kids stared blankly back at her, unanswering.

"Um," Gray interrupted with a polite cough, "I think _that_ was the _dog_…"

Monique smoldered with barely-contained rage and hatred.

"One of these days…" she rasped out in a whisper. "_One of these days…_" she slowly backed out of the room, the door clicking shut after her.

"…What a psycho." Javier stated.

-Elsewhere in London-

Back in the busy city of London, David, Louis, and Kai were observing the Covent Garden, watching for any sign of Diva. The two men waited in the car while Kai ducked into a store to get some drinks, then skipped back to the vehicle and plopped himself into the passenger side seat.

"I asked for a Mega-Gulp, _bitch_!" Louis snarled, snatching away his tiny can of soda. "Gawd I miss America. Oh, and by the way," he told Kai, "you run like a girl." Kai stared at him quietly.

"…Am I a _pretty_ girl?"

"I ain't even _answerin'_ that." Louis slowly turned away and fixed his gaze on the nearby opera-house. Kai shrugged and held out a covered cup with a straw to David.

"Here's you…_air_…" he said uneasily before the skinny man grabbed it from him and began sucking on it like a dieing fish.

"My _favorite_!" David cried joyously.

"…Man I wish you were still a drunk." Kai sighed heavily, then turned back to look at the building. "So, how's it look?"

"They're certainly organizing an opera," Louis explained, draining his can in one gulp. "We'll have to stake out the place. Which means-"

"Gotcha," Kai interrupted, pulling out a pad of paper and making a note. "I'll go inform all the Mcdonald's to back their trucks up here."

"Why you little shi-"

"_She take my mo-ney! When I'm in need…yeah she's a trifflin'…friend in-deed. Oh, she's a gold digger…way over town…that digs on me_!"

Kai and Louis stared obscenely back at David, who blinked and looked down.

"Oops! That's me."

-Later, with David…-

Later that same day, David sat waiting in a crowded subway once again, reclining on an uncomfortable bench and flipping through an Anorexia Weekly magazine. He didn't have long to wait, as Mao (followed by Okamura) came barging into the station, shoving people out of her way and approaching David like a ship at ramming speed.

"Wh-" she began.

"For the love of God, you soul-sucking wench, I do NOT know where Kai is!!" David exploded on her. Mao froze in her tracks and stared at him with wide eyes.

"…Actually," she said in a small voice, "I was gonna ask why Louis's phone is always busy."

"Oh." David paused. "Because the ho's be callin' him, okay? _Sheesh_." He sat back down on the bench and tossed a look at Okamura. "Have you learned anything?"

"Yep." Okamura leaned on the wall and cleared his throat before beginning the longest and most boring monologue in all of Blood Plus. "The two sponsoring companies are Cinq Fleches Pharmacy and Goldsmith holdings," the skuzzy reporter began. David and Mao had already started losing interest. "Lately Cinq Fleches has expanded to making military rations and military base field preparation." Now Mao and David were playing patty-cake. "They have contracts with the US military, every country in NATO, and several others." David had taken the shoelace out of one of his shoes so he and Mao could play cat's cradle. "The Goldsmith's are well-connected with the defense industries. Blah blah blah…"

At this point, even the fic author lost interest and filled in the rest of his boring speech with 'blah's.

"Blah, blah, blah, blahdee blah.. So, to sum it all up," Okamura finished, "we think you should check out their research facility for the food manufacturing division, as you might find some clues there. …David?" He paused when no-one answered. "David? Hello?" He turned to find both David and Mao sprawled out over the bench in catatonic comas. "Oh, come on! It wasn't _that_ boring!"

Yes. Yes it was.

"You all _suck_." Okamura frowned and glared at the two, wondering how to rouse them. It took him two seconds. "Sexual Chocolate."

"Hello?" Mao's head snapped up. "Louis? You get my messages?"

"Huh?" David's head jerked up. "Louis? We got a mission, partner?"

"Yeah, you do. Here." Okamura handed David several suspicious-looking photo's, one in particular catching David's eye. In it, a Frenchman with glasses smiled and winked at the camera, his vehicle inches away from plowing into a telephone pole. David's eyes narrowed as he regarded the picture curiously.

"This man…" he whispered, peering closer, "…I sure hope he's wearing his _seatbelt_."

-Still Later That Same Day-

David, Louis, and Kai were now parked outside the large, suspicious research facility Okamura had suggested they check out. It had been decided that David would infiltrate the building in disguise to gather more information. The skinny agent sat in the car, wearing a long white robe and glasses to make it appear he was a scientist. That is SO scientist…ist? I dunno, but it's racist to scientists! How rude!

"Here's your new ID," Louis told him, leaning back and handing him a small plastic card. David took one look and nearly whipped out his gun to shoot it to death.

"This isn't gonna work," he told Louis bluntly, who frowned.

"Why not?"

"It says my name is Vanilla Stick." David stared at Louis. "Which makes me _Dr. Stick_."

"It has a nice ring to it!" Kai butted in. Louis back-handed him across the face.

"They're never gonna fall for this." David stated.

"Oh, I know." Louis responded. "Have fun!" So saying, he opened the door and kicked David out of the car. Seeing as the doors were locked and the glass was bullet-proof, David had no choice but to enter the research facility under the guise of his new identity, the doctor…_Vanilla Stick_!

Inside, David wandered around the huge building, successfully passing off as one of the many scientists. His luck turned sour as two young doctors halted in the hall and called to him.

"Excuse me, sir?" One of the young doctors asked. David stopped and glared daggers at him. He didn't get the message. "Do you know where the crapper is?"

"Um…" David's mind grasped for anything scientific. "Delta, gamma, beta? V…vagina?" He stood frozen, then turned and bolted to the end of the hall.

Elsewhere in the facility, a certain annoying Frenchman watched the scene play out on the security cameras.

"That man…" Mr. Argeno muttered, eyes narrowing as he studied David's face. "Where DID he get those sexy glasses?!"

After many stops and starts, not to mention moments of weakness where he sobbed like a baby and sucked his thumb, David was finally able to locate the facility's Zone Z, the most secret and secure section of the entire building. David entered, finding…

"Ooh, they're so _pretty_!" A tourist cooed, taking out a camera and snapping a photo of the huge, creepy tanks filled with humanoid shapes.

"Everyone gather round!" An excited father said, recording everything on tape with his camcorder as his family milled about the area, oblivious to the horrific abominations taking place in the room. A crowd of Asians (I offer a pre-emptive apology to all Asians who may or may not have been insulted by this) also hustled around the room, talking to each other in their ethnic tongues and begging the staff to take pictures of them with their families. David rolled his eyes at them all and muttered under his breath.

"Friggin' _idiots_…"

-Meanwhile…-

As David was busy infiltrating the research center, so other people were busy…being stupid, really. Diva stood on the stage of the Covent Garden opera-house, belting out Flo Rida's 'Low'.

"_Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans, and the boots with the furrrrr! The whole club was lookin' at herrrrr! She hit the floor…next thing you know…Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low_!!"

"Awww!" Nathan groaned in complaint. "I wanted her to sing _Cher_!"

"Wait your turn, homo!" James snapped at him, still DJ-ing the beat for Diva's song.

"Oh, no, you _di_-in't!!"

-Back With David-

David, still being 007 (because that's literally how much he weighs), snuck around Zone Z, trying to find information or clues or perhaps a Gameboy, he was getting pretty bored. Anyway, during his search, he found a very familiar sexy female scientist, her back facing him as he entered a small lab.

"For the last time," Julia drawled, eyes glued to a microscope sitting before her, "I am NOT having sex with you, Dr. Collins. And if it's Mr. Argeno, that goes for you, too."

"…Hi." David said quietly. Julia whirled around in her wheely chair and stared at him, eyes wide.

"D…David?!" She gasped in surprise. "I…hardly recognized you, what with your glasses and jacket and absolutely nothing else."

"Nice to see you and your tits, too," David returned wryly.

"Don't you try and sweet-talk me!" Julia shot back, rising from her chair and storming up to the thin man. "What are you doing in such a place, anyway…" she leaned in close, peering at his ID. "…Dr. Vanilla Stick?" She paused for a moment, blinking rapidly. "Ohh, GOD, that makes me so horny."

"I'm here to se the Goldsmith's aquarium," David interrupted, gesturing at the large tanks with floating people.

"So, what do you think?" Julia played along, raising an eyebrow.

"Needs more fish, less humanoid bodies," David answered bluntly. "Now tell me, why are you still here, working for these chumps?"

"I still wonder what Chiropterans are," Julia answered in a quiet voice. "I…I want to know- oh, who am I _kidding_?! I don't care about crap like that anymore! Take me, David! Right here and now!" She turned to a nearby table, swept off all the laboratory instruments with an arm, then flung herself on. Just as she did, the door to the lab opened and Van Argeno sauntered in, followed by two armed guards. He paused at the doorway.

"…Am I interrupting anything?" The Frenchman asked awkwardly, staring at Julia lying prone on the tabletop and David standing close by. "Unless…there's room for one more?"

"NO!!" Julia and David shouted together.

-At the Covent Garden-

Back at the Covent Garden, Saya and Haji (bout time they showed up!) rushed into the Opera room, only to find both its stage and audience chairs empty.

"See, we're too late!" Haji growled, throwing his arms up in the air. "This is all your fault because you had to pee!"

"Shut up!" Saya snapped back, blushing. "This place is freaking huge! How was I supposed to know where the bathrooms were?!" The two continued bickering as they climbed the stairs and walked out onto the stage, where they couldn't help but do a little more of a Tango atop the shining floor. Just as they were finishing up, the curtain behind them rose, revealing a dimly-lit, sad scene that was obviously meant to be a rendition of the tower and surrounding ruins where Diva had first lived.

"Nice to meet you," a voice interrupted. Saya and Haji whirled around to find Nathan smiling at them from several feet away. "I'm Nathan Mahler, one of Diva's Chevalier, and- ooh, you are a _cutie_, aren't you?!" He broke off, eyes sparkling as he gazed rapturously at Haji. "I wonder why Solomon said your face looked like a baboon's ass with hemorrhoids? Oh, I could just eat you up!"

"You…" Haji hissed, recovering his senses, "you sick, sick man! Oh! Oh, _hell_ no! You are goin' DOWN!!" As he leapt for the homosexual, a voice stopped him short.

"_Sayaaaaa_!" Diva sang from across the room, standing on one of the many balconies and waving her arms in the air. "Hey! Hey, how are- _eeeeeek_!" She quickly lost her balance and fell to the ground.

"…Anyway," Nathan continued after a moment, "here's your opponent! Come on out!"

From inside the stage set of ruins and towers, a huge, hulking form emerged. A chiropteran, covered in spikes and thick, iron-like skin stepped out into the light and sniffed at the air. Who on earth could that be? It could be anyone! For all we know it could be Santa Claus! There is just _no way_ to _possibly_ know who that-

"…Dawg."

I shouldn't have asked.

-Back in the Lab-

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Stick," Mr. Argeno was saying, confronting David in the small lab. "Can I offer you some crack?" He held out a crack-candy to David, who frowned.

"Can I offer you…" he replied calmly, "an _ass-whuppin'_?!" He leapt forward, grabbed Mr. Argeno's hand, then twisted him around, holding the Frenchman before him like a body shield, one arm cinched tightly around his neck. "Alright, no-one move, or the Frenchy gets it!!" He grabbed the pen from Mr. Argeno's shirt pocket and held it threateningly at his throat.

"A pen?" Mr. Argeno scoffed, rolling his eyes. "_Seriously_, what can you do with that?"

"I…I…" David stuttered, the guards closing in around him. "I'll write on his face!! I'll do it, I swear!!"

"For God's sake, _listen_ to the man!!" Mr. Argeno shrieked in panic, going pale. The guards backed off uncertainly.

-_Aaaand_ Back With Saya-

Saya and Haji were now in the midst of battle with James, who was proving to be a truly worthy foe. His iron-like skin made it nearly impossible to cut him, while his strength and speed easily matched that of Saya's. After shoving her back with a particularly nasty shove, the chevalier paused and tried to think up an appropriate rhyme.

"C'mon, ho, I'm kicking yo' ass, um, I thought you had mo' class? No, no, I can do better. Hey, what rhymes with 'gangsta'?"

"Mother-_bleep_er!!"

"…No it doesn't."

"Just quit rapping and _fight_ me!!"

Diva, meanwhile, was quickly becoming bored with the spectacle, sighing loudly and yawning. After a few minutes she stood up and made to leave.

"Don't eat the driver!" Nathan called after her retreating form. "…But Mario Lopez is fine."

"_Whee_!!" Diva dashed off, smiling with glee. Nathan turned back to watch the rest of the fight. Saya and Haji were still having no luck with the tough-skinned monster, and things took a turn for the worse when he ran Haji through with a spiked claw.

"Si…_siiiiiiiix_…" Haji gurgled, slowly raising his blood-soaked notebook and tallying another mark. Geez, what is it, a freakin' _requirement_ in all major battles?!

"Saya, I'll save you!" A voice echoed through the theater. Saya froze.

"Oh, shi-" Was as far as she got before Kai (the idiot popped outta nowhere!), being stupid once again, shot at the lights above the stage and brought them crashing down on James…_and_ Saya.

"Oops." Kai coughed, lowering his gun nervously. "Um, er, you okay, Saya?"

"Nice goin, ass-bite!!" Saya shouted from under the wreckage, proving she was indeed unharmed.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Shut up, both of you!!" James roared, bashing up from the twisted ruins of the stage lights. Grabbing Saya, he threw her violently against a wall, then dashed over for the finishing blow. Nathan leapt in the way, however, stopping him.

"Nathan, what are you doing?! Get out of my way, let me kill her!" James growled. Nathan ignored him, instead gazing down at Saya, bloodied and bruised.

"Saya," he said quietly, "this is no way for you to die. I'll prepare for you a fitting stage for your death. And if you don't like it…" he glared back at James. "_I'll kill you_!!"

"Yeah…well…" James backed away uneasily. "You're ugly!" He turned and dashed off, sobbing like a girl.

"See you!" Nathan smiled at Saya, blew a kiss at Haji (who nearly killed himself out of revulsion), then waved goodbye as he also departed. Haji quickly hurried to his mistress's side, where she pulled open his shirt and went to sink her teeth in his neck.

"Hey Saya, you okay?!" Kai cried, rushing over and totally ruining the moment. "Do you need- _holy crap_! Get a room, you two!"

"_Shut up_!!" Saya and Haji barked together, then also departed from the scene, leaving Kai all on his lonesome. The poor, stupid thing.

-Back at the Research Facility-

Alarms blared and warning lights flashed all over the facility as Mr. Argeno raged and ranted, furious at being treated so rudely by David.

"How DARE he do this to me?!" He snarled, a thin moustache curling up from underneath his nose and angry cartoon eyebrows frowning down from his forehead. "Find him, find him!! I'll make that bastard _pay_!!"

"Sir, are you angry?" Mr. Argeno's assistant asked, barely holding back peals of laughter at his boss's new facial hair and eyebrows. "Because you sure look angry!"

"FERME LE BOUCHE!!"

-Outside the Facility-

Outside the panicked building, Kai and David met on the street, grunted at each other, and slipped into the car, sitting side by side in the backseat. Louis looked up from the driver's wheel and grinned at their image from the rear-view mirror.

"You two," he chuckled, "are so much alike." David and Kai scowled at him.

"Drive the car, fatass."

-Episode 36 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whoo, done. This one's up early because I was lucky to get the time to work on it, and felt bad for the lateness, but the next one will be updated at the usual time – _next_ Sunday. Also, if anyone was offended by James's 'homo' remark to Nathan, just tell me and I'll gladly punch myself in the face several times as punishment. And if you can't remember Kai's girly run in the beginning, for the love of God, go back and watch that part. Seriously. Thanks for reading, review please!


	37. Episode 37: Until We Go Mad

Author's Note: Whew, finally! Back on track! This is actually the first Blood Minus in a while that I had a bit of trouble on. Still, I think I pulled it off and all in all it's a good chapter. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 37

Until We Go Mad

-_Flashbaaaack_!-

"Hey, what's going on?" A younger, much more sane-looking Karl asked curiously as Amshel and Solomon hustled him into a large, window-filled room. "You guys told me I won the lottery!"

"Oh, did we?" Amshel asked with disinterest, shoving Karl before him. The young man's eyes popped open and his jaw sagged to the floor when he caught sight of Diva, lounging on one of the room's couches in a nightgown.

"Holy crap, I _did_ win!" Karl gushed. "Is this my honorary hooker?" Diva raised her head and glared at Amshel.

"Can I eat him?"

"NO." Amshel said firmly. "He's your new chevalier."

"Oh, fine. Be that way." Diva rose to her feet and sidled up to Karl, who gulped nervously. He gasped when Diva ripped open his shirt and sank her teeth in his neck. She gazed up at him and narrowed her eyes. "…Anyone ever tell you that you look like Jackie Chan?"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOO_!!"

And so began Karl's hell on earth.

-Back to the Present, at Gray's!-

Back at Gray's house, preparations were being made for the third World War- er, I mean, Javier's birthday party. Everyone was busy decorating for the occasion while David cooked (he's cooking actual FOOD? Well, I guess if it's not for _him_…) in the kitchen, Louis sitting at the nearby table surfing the web on his laptop.

"My God, look at this!" The black man gasped in surprise, David looking over. "They've all been cancelled!"

"Diva's concerts?" David asked.

"No, _Celine's_!" Louis barely contained a loud sniffle. "Now I'll _never_ get to hear her sweet Canadian voice!"

"Oh, you'll get your chance sometime," David comforted. "Seeing how she's _immortal_ and all." He turned back to the counter and began whisking ingredients together in a bowl while humming a tune. "What you want, baby I got! What you need, you know I got it! All I'm askin', is for a little respect when you come home!" Suddenly Louis made a lunge for the bowl of batter meant for the birthday cake and downed it in one gulp. David gaped at him, appalled. "Hey, R-E-S-P-E-C-_T_, man!"

"Birf-day cake! Birf-day cake!" Javier burst into the room, singing joyously. She stopped dead when she saw Louis standing there guiltily, cake batter all over his face. "HEY! That was for _my_ birf-day cake, you fat bastard!"

"Want me to pee on him?" Nahabi asked hopefully.

"Oh, no you don't!" David interrupted, shaking a whisk at them. "There will be _no_ urine in this kitchen so long as I'm here! Out!"

"Or…what?"

"Or I put a curse on you that makes you as skinny as I am!" At this the children screamed shrilly and ran out the door. "Works every time," David said smugly, cracking his knuckles and beginning to make more batter for the cake.

"Where's Kai?" Louis wondered aloud. "They usually pee on _him_."

"He went shopping in town," David informed him. "Monique wanted to go with him."

There was a short pause.

"Poor bitch." They both sighed together.

-Meanwhile, in Town…-

"Huuurgh! _Nnngh_!" Monique staggered after Kai, a huge pile of teetering grocery bags clutched precariously in her thin, weak arms. Kai paid her absolutely no attention, walking ahead of her on the street and gazing at the sights and sounds of the city. "Uh, a little _help_?" Monique piped up.

"You _got_ everythin', ho!" Kai snapped back, unconcerned. "It's good exercise for you! Make you work out those flabby arms of yours-"

"My arms are _not_ flabby!!" Monique snarled, ambling up as Kai stopped in front of a busy intersection. "Good Lord, why did I ever agree to this? I'd rather be mopping up after the piss-machines than shopping with you!" Several passers-by paused to stare strangely at her. "What are you _bleep_ers lookin' at?!" After a few moments, she glanced at Kai. "…You're thinking about Saya again, aren't you?"

"What- who- where?! How did you _know_?!" Kai sputtered in awe. "I wasn't even _peeing_ this time!"

"Because…she's…right over there." Monique stated, lifting a shaking hand to point off down the street, where Saya stood glaring at a wall for some reason.

"Oh." Kai blinked, then patted Monique's back. "Well, listen. You head back home and I'll be with you in a minute, kay?" He shoved her into the street (_Honk honk_!! "Eeeeek!") and hurried over to where Saya was.

Saya was too busy glaring to notice his approach. Not only had they replaced the disfigured Diva poster with a brand new one, but this one was protected with stain-proof glass and an electric fence.

"_Curses_…" she hissed to herself before finally noticing someone approaching.

"Hey, Saya!" Kai said breathlessly as he skipped up. Saya frowned.

"Oh, hey Kai," she answered coolly. "I haven't seen you since…when was it? You dropped a stage-light on my head?"

"Er, yeah, sorry about that," Kai coughed. "My bad. Anyway, I just wanted to invite you to Javier's birthday par-"

"Don't care." Saya turned on her heel to leave.

"There'll be cake." Saya froze. "And ice-cream." Saya trembled. "And a…_piñata_."

"HOT _DAMN_! When is it?!" Saya exploded. Kai grinned.

"It's tonight! Why not come dressed up as a clown?"

"Ex-CUSE me?!"

"It's either that or a stripper." Kai shrugged.

"I vote for that one!" Haji (popping up out of nowhere) interjected. Saya interjected her fist into his left eye.

"You have no say in this matter!" She growled.

"_Aww_…" Haji clutched his ruined eye and sniffled.

"Kai, you bastard!" A voice called from the road. Everyone turned to see Monique crawling from a smoking wreckage of crashed vehicles, eyes promising much pain and suffering for Kai.

"Whoops, gotta go!" He winked at Saya, flipped Haji off, and dashed away. Saya watched him go, a trace of doubt lingering in her features.

"What the _bleep_ did I just agree to?" She wondered softly.

"To dress up like a hooker?" Haji answered.

"I did NOT!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere, on an Air Force base with lots of planes and runways and soldiers in tents, Mr. Argeno strode smarmily around, supervising the loading (or unloading?) of some very suspicious-looking crates. He stopped in front of a table of soldiers and gave them all a charming smile.

"You're all doing such a wonderful job!" He told them. "Give yourselves a round of applause!" He began clapping his hands together heartily. No-one joined in. "_Bleep_ing Americans…"

"Um…sir?" Argeno's assistant coughed awkwardly. "You've…got something on your face."

"I know," Mr. Argeno muttered back, fingering the curly moustache that was still present beneath his nose. "The pen…was permanent. I'm hoping no-one will notice."

"Nice 'stache, Frenchie!" One cadet called from the table. Mr. Argeno whipped out a pistol and shot him in the foot.

"Sir, we've got a problem!" His assistant went on. "Someone's in Zone 'Stache!"

"_What did you just say_?!" Mr. Argeno whirled around, pistol aimed at one of his assistant's small and sensitive balls.

"Zone Z!!" The assistant quickly corrected. "I meant Zone _Z_, sir!!"

"Too late!"

_Blam, blam_!

"_Eeeaaaargh_!!"

Meanwhile, in Zone Z, there was definitely a problem, and here's a hint: it starts with the letter K. …Ends with L? Has an AR in the middle? …No? Oh, for goodness sakes, Karl's messing around again! _Geez_! He stood in front of one of the large crates in a bunker, smirking evilly as he creaked the door open.

"It's time for a party!" He giggled, eyes shining with a dangerous glint.

"Aww, but I have nothing to _wear_!" One of the Corpse Corps in the crate wailed. "Plus my hair's a _mess_!"

"…But…you're wearing a helmet," Karl pointed out.

"I know, _geez_! You don't have to rub it in!" The emotionally unstable soldier burst into tears and was quickly comforted by the others in the crate.

"He didn't mean it, Bert! He doesn't know!"

"Your hair looks great! We all think so, right guys?"

"R…really?"

"SHUT UP AND MOVE!!" Karl hollered into the crate, making the soldiers jump in surprise.

"But…there's no music." One stated. "We _can't_ move without music. Sing to us or something."

"Might I suggest 'Crazy', by Gnarles Barkley?" Another piped up helpfully. Karl turned to him and effortlessly tore out his throat, then glared at the remaining soldiers.

"Anyone else want me to sing?" He asked dangerously.

The soldiers were silent.

"_Move_."

They moved.

_-Birthday Party Time!!-_

Back at Gray's house, the time for the birthday party had finally arrived! Banners and streamers were hung all around the house for the occasion, balloons strewn over the floor festively. There was just one thing the party was missing…

"The stripper's here!" Mao (dressed in a tube-top and her usual short skirt) cried, kicking the door open and shaking her chest suggestively. "Who wants a lap-dance?!"

Sitting at the dinner table, Gray quickly covered the eyes of Javier and Nahabi before their innocence and purity were sullied. Louis did the same with David and Kai (well, he really just _punched_ Kai, but it still counts).

"…I do." Okamura stated, standing in the doorway behind Mao.

"No! You just got one last night!"

"What the _hell_ kinda journalism you researching?!" Louis asked, giving Okamura a look. "And where can I sign up?"

"Don't _judge_ me!" Okamura snapped, turning red. The party continued on, until Louis brought in the beautifully decorated birthday cake…with a huge bite mark in it.

"…It wasn't me," David stated unnecessarily.

"WE KNOW!!" Everyone shouted back.

_Knock, knock_.

Everyone froze. Kai went to the door and was delighted to find that Saya had kept her word and arrived for the party. She hustled in, a b-day party hat on her head and a noisemaker in her hand, while Haji, dressed up like a clown (complete with red rubber nose and creepy face-makeup) hustled in after her.

After that the party went a bit wild, with Mao giving David an unwilling lap-dance and Haji making balloon animals for the children. He made the mistake of forming a chiropteran-shaped balloon, however, and showing it to Saya.

"Look, Saya! It's a chiropteran!"

"What?! _Where_?!" Saya turned, saw the balloon animal, then shrieked and slashed it apart with her sword. After this the children hid in fear of her, until Saya pulled out an enticing package and held it out to Javier.

"Here," she grunted. "Happy flippin' birthday."

"A present?! For _me_?!" Javier danced forward in delight and took the package, glancing at the card, which read; "Life is pain. Get used to it." before tearing open the wrapping paper. Inside was the severed head of Saya's last kill. "Wow, _cool_!"

"Don't get any of it on the couch," Gray said distractedly, more interested in watching Mao shake her groove thang than anything else.

"Alright." Saya rose to her feet and crossed her arms. "Where's the ca-" She caught sight of Louis, his face smeared with frosting. "…Nevermind. Where's the piñata you promised me?" She turned to Kai with a glare. He stared at her blankly, blinked a few times, then whipped an arm up and pointed at Mao. "Wow, a whore model!" Saya gasped in awe. "I didn't know they made those! Wow, and it's so detailed and life-like!" She paused. "_Let's spill its candy guts_!!" She yanked out her sheathed blade and whacked Mao in the stomach before she could say anything.

"_Gooorf_!!"

"And it comes with sound effects, too! _Sweet_!"

-Later…-

Later that night, as Saya was busy doing the piles of dirty dishes as punishment for shattering three of Mao's ribs, the party went on in another room of the house, happy sounds and music drifting down the hall and annoying Saya as she scrubbed away.

"Damn bastards…" she growled, hauling a crusty pot into the hot water. "What _is_ this, a new organism? My _God_…" She was so intent on washing the dishes she barely noticed Kai slip into the room behind her.

"Saya," he said quietly, creeping her out a bit in the gloom, "I just wanted to tell you…you're _not_ alone!"

"Then why am I doing these dishes by myself?" She snapped back over her shoulder. "Why can't you help?"

"Um…Mao broke my arms," Kai coughed, quickly changing the subject. "Anyway, remember the day dad baked a cake, then popped out of it in a thong? That was actually for your birthday…"

"Oh, I remember," Saya muttered. "I _still_ have nightmares."

"Yeah, me too," Kai agreed. "But…remember back then? How it was? Can we…never go back to that?"

"Maybe…If you help me with the dishes," Saya answered after a moment.

"_Bleep_ that!" Kai chortled in his throat, turning toward the door. "I'm going to get another lap-dance from Mao!" He left, pulling out some one-dollar bills from his wallet.

"That's it!" Saya declared, glaring at the sink. "I'm washing the rest of these in the _toilet_!!"

"You're so evil, Saya!" A creepily familiar voice echoed on the breeze. "I love it!"

"_Phantom_!" Saya gasped, snatching up her sword and dashing to the back of the house.

"Um…actually," the voice coughed, "I'm…in the front."

"…Oh." Saya slowly shuffled from the back of the house and made her way to the front. After that awkward moment, Saya found herself facing Karl outside on the field in front of the house, weapons drawn and at the ready. Saya glared as the creepy chevalier grinned at her, the perfect image of a rabid fanboy.

"Saya, I want to see it!" He implored her. "I want to see you go crazy again, just like that night in Vietnam! Please, let me see it!"

"Ya want crazy?" Haji snorted, standing next to Saya. "Then just wait until her next period."

"HEY!" Saya barked, kicking him in the shins. "Shut up! I had bad cramps!" Turning her violence from Haji to Karl, she and the nut-job of a chevalier began duking it out while Haji was forced on the back-burner, dealing with the attacking Corpse Corps soldiers (who all inexplicably wore party hats). Things were headed downhill, the soldiers beating Haji into a corner, closing in on the house, when-

_Bam! Crack! Whack_!

"Okay," Karman growled, Lulu and Moses at his sides, "which one of you _bitches_ didn't invite us to the party?!"

"Yeah!" Moses huffed, glaring with his one eye. "That was just…_mean_!"

More Corpse Corps soldiers rushed for the house, but were thrown back by a volley of gunshots and stinging insults. David, flanked by Kai and Louis, stepped out of the front door and posed like Charlie's Angel's for dramatic effect.

"…Didn't we already do this before?" Louis asked as he knelt.

"Who cares?" David snapped. "It's funny _now_! Go, my angels!" At this they dispersed and joined the fray.

_CRASH_!!

"Oh, no!" David cried out, whipping around. "The Phantom's knocked Saya into the barn!"

"Is that a…euphemism for something dirty?" Kai asked in confusion. David pistol-whipped him.

Meanwhile Saya, who was trapped in the darkness of the barn, quickly got to her feet and began sneaking about, trying to locate the elusive chevalier and also not be discovered herself. As she snuck around a large bale of hay, she heard Karl's voice echo through the building.

"I'm so happy!" He giggled. "So very happy! We're the _only_ two in here-"

"_Cock-a-doodle-doooo_!"

"…And that rooster." The voice paused. "Anyway, think only of me! Think only of killing me!!"

"No problem there!" Saya, who'd been following the voice, leapt forward out of the shadows and brought her blade swinging down on…

A goat.

"…I'm _so_ telling Gray the Phantom did it."

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere at the moment, a rather nice car was tearing up the dirt road leading to Gray's house, Solomon behind the wheel (and not wearing his seat-belt, the naughty boy! Click it or ticket, man! _Seriously_!). As the pretty-boy chevalier drove, his thoughts drifted back to a conversation with his eyelashed brother, Amshel.

"Remember when we first made Karl a chevalier?" He had said. "Idiot was so gullible…anyway, we chose him because he looked like Jackie Chan, and Jackie Chan…is _cool_."

"I thought we were _over_ that joke already," Solomon had responded irritably. "It's racist and no-one thinks it's fun- _COW!!_"

Solomon snapped out of his revere and just barely managed to swerve around the startled bovine standing in the middle of the road before crashing into a telephone pole and flying out the front windshield.

…_Told_ him he shoulda worn his seatbelt.

-Back at Gray's-

Meanwhile, back at Gray's, the fight between good and evil continued, Karl using his nifty new hand-thing to shoot sharpened barbs up into the loft where Saya was, one of the dozens fired injuring her in the leg.

"Alright, 1 out of 100! I'm a pretty good shot, huh?" Karl gloated to himself.

"You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!" Saya spat back, blood oozing from her wound and beginning to dribble down into the floor below. "And we're IN one!"

"How do you like my arm?" Karl went on, brandishing his new appendage for all to admire. "Now I don't have to put up with anymore hand jokes! I did is all for you, Saya! Just for- okay, I'm _trying_ to talk here, and your blood dripping into my eyes is _really_ distracting."

"Um…sorry?"

"A-ha! Found you!"

"_Shiii_-!" Saya gasped in horror as Karl finally located her and began to approach.

_BLAM BLAM_!

Suddenly Karl stopped, jerking in pain as several bullets buried themselves in his back. Whirling around, he found Kai standing at the door of the barn, gun smoking.

"Back off Saya, freak!" Kai snarled. "Having a creepy obsession with her is _my_ job!"

"_And_ mine!" Haji piped up.

"No, no, see," Kai turned to him, explaining patiently, "I'm _almost_ her brother, so it's _way_ creepier for me-"

"DIE!!" Karl leapt for him, now in his monstrous fully-chiropteran form.

"Then again, you can have the ho if you really want!" Kai yelped, dropping his gun and scampering the eff away. Saya rolled her eyes and also exited the barn, squaring off with Karl in the field outside once again. A full moon shone down on the battling pair as Karl suddenly grabbed Saya from behind and held her tight.

"Pretty cool, huh?" He chortled in her ear. "I learned this move in my molestation class-"

"Get the _BLEEP_ offa me!" Saya, as you know, hated nothing more than getting molested, and so showed this to Karl in the most appropriate way possible – stabbing him _through_ herself.

"…Okay, _that_ was totally _bleep_ing unnecessary," Karl stated matter-of-factly.

"But it made it cooler!" Saya pointed out. "_And_ more dramatic!"

"Well I can't argue with _that_ logic!" Karl agreed, then died via crystallization. Saya fell to her knees, her foe vanquished but her sword still stuck very painfully in her abdomen. She tried pulling it out, heaving and straining mightily. "_Huuuurgh! Hoooogh! Nnnnngh!_" She paused, panting for breath. "If I could just run this under some hot water, then maybe…"

"That ain't a _ketchup_ bottle!" Louis hollered over.

"Oh well…at least the molestation is over…" Saya breathed a sigh of relief.

"Or is it?" A sinister voice chuckled.

"Augh! Solomon!" Saya heaved desperately at the sword, wanting something with which to defend herself. "Stay back!"

"Cool it, toots," Solomon soothed, standing before her calmly. "I'm not here to feel you up. I just have a very long, boring eulogy about Karl to recite."

"…I _think_ I'd rather you grope me," Saya said quietly. Solomon shrugged.

"Too bad, this is required." He cleared his throat and began. "Poor Karl! I envied him. He lived however he wanted to, crazy or not. The poor lonely bastard. He had to put up with hands jokes, Jackie Chan jokes, and me occasionally hitting on him-"

"WHAT?!" Saya sputtered in confusion.

"Er, I mean…just feel bad for him, okay?!" Solomon awkwardly cleared his throat and looked at Saya. "In a week's time, Diva will head to Christina Island. You can thank me in kisses later!" And with that, he disappeared in a strong gust of wind, leaving not a trace…

"Hey! My wallet's gone!" Kai cried in outrage. "Get back here, you _bastard_!"

"Damn, it's _still_ stuck!" Saya sniffled, pulling in vain at the sword still jammed in her stomach. "It won't come out!"

"Someone go get the phone!" Haji called to the others. "We need the jaws of life over here!"

-Episode 37 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Aww, no more Karl. Too bad, he was fun to mess with. Especially with all the hands jokes. Oh well! I still have everyone else. Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! Review, please!


	38. Episode 38: Showdown Island

Author's Note: Holy CRAP I had fun with this episode. I have no idea why, either. I just _did_. So expect lots of random craziness and stupidity, as usual. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 38

Showdown Island

Somewhere in the world, on a stormy, sad-looking island which I'm pretty sure is meant to be this Christina Island where Diva is, um…Diva…_was_? Oh, you get the picture! She (in lil' Riku form) was sitting by the window of a large, military-base-like house, enjoying the view of a depressed sea as her chevaliers, Amshel, James, and Nathan, were holding conference in a hushed football huddle a few feet away.

"Karl is dead," Nathan reported to the others, their heads close together. Tears dribbled down his face as he sniffled. "Doesn't that just make you wanna _cry_?!"

"Not really," James snorted. "Karl was wiggedy-whack, yo. He _deserved_ bein' smoked. We homies gotta hold down the fort, and protect our Nubian princess from the other haters and gangstahs, dawg!"

Amshel stared at him blankly.

"Okay, I didn't understand a _word_ of what you just said," he stated bluntly. Nathan sighed and rolled his eyes.

"He _said_," he explained patiently, "Karl's like Laguna Beach's Jason, where he keeps getting into relationships with different girls and _bleep_ing them up, then spirals downward in a cycle of loserness, drinking, and despair until he shows up on Celebrity Rap Superstar. See?"

Amshel now stared blankly at him.

"…Alright, _that_ didn't help."

"Oh, fine!" Nathan huffed. "We're saying Karl is better off dead, okay?! _Sheesh_."

"Wait…" James scowled at the gay man. "If we both think the same about Karl…then why're you _crying_?"

"Because I'm on my period, that's why!" Nathan wailed aloud. "I'm very emotional right now!"

"…Let's hurry up and change the subject," James suggested. Nathan smiled.

"Will do!" He reached forward and made a snatching motion at James's chest. As if by magic, he now held the black man's coveted bling-bling in his hand. James gasped.

"HEY! Gimme back my bling! I _cut_ you, bitch!"

"James," Diva said, suddenly standing before him, "will you protect me?"

"Yes," James answered, kneeling graciously, "and it's Lil'-"

_Riiiiiiiiiip_!

Everyone stared as Diva changed back to her normal form and burst the seams of her small clothes.

"_What_?!" She snapped at them, flipping her hair. "So I gained a little weight!"

"I told you to lay off the Hot Pockets," Amshel muttered to her quietly.

"Shut up! They're good! Plus I'm eatin' for two!"

"What?"

"What?"

"Oh…forget it! This meeting is over! Hurry up and change the scene so I can go cry in my room!" Amshel hurried toward the door, eyes brimming with tears. No-one really cared.

-Meanwhile, Back on the Mainland-

Back on the mainland of the country (are they still in France? I dunno), Saya was being surprisingly like her sister and staring at the ocean while sitting on the abandoned pier of a dock. Sea gulls swooped around the girl, crying annoyingly and hoping for food.

"Caw! Caw!"

"Caw!"

"Booty!"

"_Knock it off_!!" Saya hollered, jamming her elbow back and slugging Haji in the gut. She turned to glare at his writhing form. "So, how is it?"

"Well," Haji replied brightly from the ground, "I _believe_ my stomach is now permanently dented, and I think one of my kidneys just _burst_!"

"I meant the _boats_."

"Oh." Haji blinked and hopped to his feet. "Sorry, no luck there. No-one wants to get close to Christina Island." Suddenly he stepped off to the side and continued in a quiet, sinister voice. "Or perhaps they know of my plan to sink the boat halfway and land with Saya on a deserted island where we can spend the rest of our days drinking coconut juice and fornicating under the sun!"

"Um…I can hear you," Saya coughed awkwardly, "and I'm good."

"But sometimes…you're _bad_, right?"

"_That's_ gross," Saya stated. "Don't make me kill you." She turned back to the sea and growled in frustration. "Damn! We _have_ to get to that island! Diva's there! And we can't ask the others for help. It's too dangerous. This is our fight, and ours alone! We-"

Suddenly Haji leaned in for a kiss and Saya leapt back, sputtering.

"What the…what the hell are you _doing_?!"

"I…I thought we were having a moment!" Haji exclaimed desperately.

"No, we aren't! Back OFF!" She shoved Haji off the pier and watched as he splashed and spluttered in the dirty water below.

"Ew, a candy bar!"

"Haji…that's _not_ a candy bar." Saya told him.

"Oh. _AUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH_!!" More splashing from below as he flailed about in panic.

Saya looked up at a sound to see a van cruising along the dock and coming to a halt by her side, attempting to park. It shuddered a bit, screeching forward a foot, then back again, engine revving loudly.

"You gotta hit the _clutch_, man!" Louis barked.

"I got it, fatty!" Kai snapped back, gripping the steering wheel. Seconds later the van shot forward and slammed into one of the nearby warehouses. "_Told_ ya," he smirked at Louis's unconscious body and hopped out of the smoking vehicle, running up to Saya. "Here, Javier asked me to give you this." He handed her a jar of yellow liquid.

"…Apple juice?" Saya asked curiously.

"_No_." Was all Kai said. "Anyway, the good news is, I got the tickets for a boat. The bad news is, Haji has to fit inside a suitcase."

"Don't you mean that's the _good_ news?" Saya corrected. Kai shrugged and went back to the ruined van as Haji finally hauled himself up out of the fetid waters. Saya handed the jar to her man-slave, who glanced at it questionably.

"Ooh, apple juice!"

"No, it's not- aw, hell. Knock yourself out."

-Later That Day, on a Boat-

Late that same day, the sun having set behind the distant hills, fog surrounded a certain vessel bobbing up and down in the harbor. It was the boat David and the others had procured for their journey to the sinister island, and it was guarded by the best security force there was – no, not Life Alert, the _Schiff_!

"I don't think Saya's gonna show," Lulu sighed, peering forlornly into the thick fog.

"Hmph! Well, if she doesn't come soon, we're gonna…" Moses paused dramatically. "Finish this puzzle without her! She has _no_ idea what she's missing!"

"I…thought we were gonna kill Diva?" Karman asked in confusion. Moses and Lulu shrugged, then turned back to the puzzle. Karman frowned. "Hey, you know what I just noticed? Almost all of us Schiff have eye problems. Griffith had sunglasses, Darth had metal eyes or some crap, Moses has one eye, I've got glasses, and Lulu has _bleep_ed up eyes. Weird, huh?"

Moses and Lulu stared at him in silence.

"And…we care…_why_?"

"Shut up!" Karman went to hit the other male Schiff and missed by a mile. "See what I'm talking about?!"

Meanwhile, inside the boat, an important conference was taking place. All the 'good guys' sat around a table, Louis with his shirt off and his large belly acting as the projector screen for the slides.

"And so as you can see-" David was saying, switching to the next slide.

"Why are we doin' this again?" Louis interrupted, feeling foolish.

"_Because_," David explained patiently, "we don't have a sheet to project on and your stomach is bigger anyway." He pulled out a marker and uncapped it, moving closer to the image on Louis's stomach. "Now if I could just-"

"NO." Louis shoved him away.

"Take off your pants!" Mao hooted from the back, enjoying this tremendously.

"_Hey_!" David whirled around and whipped the marker at the excited girl. "Keep that skank on a leash!" He told Okamura savagely. "_And_ muzzled!"

"There are perfectly good walls on each side of the room, man!" Louis continued to complain. David stared at him blankly.

"Your point?"

"…Aw, whatever. Just hurry it up."

"Alright." This time David used a pointer to show everyone the plan. "Here's the island, this is where we land, and this is where we kick Diva's cute lil' ass. Any questions?" Mao raised her hand.

"Yeah. What the hell am I doing in this meeting?"

"Good question." David answered smoothly. "Get the _bleep_ out." Mao slowly rose from her chair and scuttled out of the room. David turned to the others. "Any more?"

"Hey, what are they doin' on that Christina Island, anyway?" Kai wondered aloud. David couldn't shoot him because it was a reasonable question.

"Lil' J's making a new music video!" Louis squealed in excitement. "It's gonna be the _shiz_-nit!" Kai stared at him.

"Did you just _squeal_?"

"_Jealous_?"

_BAM_!

Suddenly the door to the room burst open and Lulu dashed in, panting for breath. David took one look at her and screeched like a howler monkey, heaving up a nearby chair and hurling it at her.

"_Ieeeee_! What the _bleep_ IS that thing?! Die! DIE!!"

"It's me! Lulu!" Lulu protested, holding up her arms. David paused.

"…So?"

"So, Saya's here! We just saw her arrive!"

"Oh." David blinked, then hoisted another chair. "You want seconds or what?"

"_Eeep_!" Lulu quickly scurried out of the room before another chair could be thrown at her. What she'd said was true, and indeed Saya had just arrived with Haji in tow. The two were boarding the boat when the others rushed out to greet her.

"Hey, Saya!" Mao snapped, obviously about to start some trouble, "who do you-"

_Smack_!

Mao stumbled back, a red imprint of a hand clear on her cheek.

"Get outta mah face, _bitch_!" Saya growled at her.

"Damn, she's changed!" Mao thought to herself, backing away and watching her new rival warily.

"What did I say about the leash, man?" David glared at Okamura, who shrugged indifferently. The skinny man cleared his throat and stepped forward, sweeping an arm toward the boat's interior. "Saya, please come aboard."

"Haji, please come aboard," Kai repeated, holding forth an open suitcase.

"Why you little shi-"

"So, we're heading for Diva's Island, right?" Saya cut in nervously. Immediately Okamura and Mao exchanged glances and headed toward the exit.

"That's our cue to get the _hell_ off this death-boat!" Okamura muttered. "See you corpses- er, guys later! Me an' Mao will be waiting at Grays! Good luck die- uh, fighting against Diva!"

"Mao, wait!" Saya called to them. Mao stopped and turned.

"Yes?" She asked sweetly. Saya regarded her for several moments.

_Slap_!

"Okay, you can go now! Bye!" She patted Mao on the back, then shoved her down the rest of the stairs. Okamura cautiously edged past her, then ran down to gather up what was left of Mao. "Alright, LET'S GO!"

-Even Later, on Christina's Island-

A few hours later, the crew had landed on Christina's Island. Despite Kai's insistence that Christina Aguilera must live there, they only found abandoned houses and run-down shacks. They continued sneaking up to the higher ground of the island until they caught sight of the military-base-like house perched at the tip. Kai whipped out his binoculars to get a closer look.

"Hmm…" he mulled to himself, watching the disco lights and loud party sounds emanating from the house, "something's up." He lowered the binoculars and turned to his comrades. "Hey, they're-"

"Oh, I just _love_ these sexy black uniforms!" David gushed, posing in his new spy clothes. "They make my ass look totally _hot_!"

"_What_ ass?!" Kai snapped at him. "It's as flat as a board! I think it's actually sunken in a little bit! Now pay attention to my report!"

"And your do-rag is straight up _gangstah_!" The skinny man told Louis, who beamed.

"Word up, brah!" He replied, flashing gang signs. "I dig! It…it's getting hot in here?"

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!"

"We're going in," Moses said coolly, he and the other Schiff stepping out of the hiding place and beginning to approach the house.

"Hey, wait just one- aw, I don't care anymore, get yourselves killed or whatever." Kai sighed and settled back to watch. The Schiff shrugged and headed for the house, but were quickly stopped halfway by a line of Corpse Corps soldiers. Damn! David and his group had also been sneaking toward the house from a different side, but were also halted by a huge flying spike that shot out of nowhere.

"Take cover!" Haji cried out, blocking the spike and ducking down.

"_Eeek_!" Kai immediately leapt behind Louis and used him as a body shield.

"Just get DOWN!" The large man snapped, kicking Kai over to where the others were huddled behind a low wall.

"Sorry!"

Evil laughter rolled down the hill, and everyone peeked over their shelter to see James standing before them menacingly.

"Y'all wanna be in my music video?" He asked with a smirk. David whipped out his gun and shot him nine times. "…Guess that's a 'no', huh?" He immediately changed to his creepy chiro-form and laughed some more as David's bullets whizzed off his iron skin, useless. "_Naaa, na na na, na na, na na, can't touch dis! Naaa, na na na, na na, na na, can't touch dis_!"

"Oh my God, _please_ stop singing!" Saya hollered in agony, clutching her ears. "Aren't we gonna fight, or dance or something? _Please_? _Anything_ but sing!"

"Saya, I will kill you today!" James boldly declared, having stopped his horrendous vocalizations. "You have the _only_ blood in the world that can kill Diva- well, you and an AIDS patient, but you get the idea! Come at me!"

"My pleasure!" Saya leapt out from behind the wall and charged him, sword drawn. "_YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH_!"

_Tink_!

"_Bleep_-DAMMIT, I spend a whole year training and growing my hair and STILL nothing?!"

"Probably because all we ever did was _make out_," Haji stated matter-of-factly.

"We did NOT!"

"Hahaha!" James laughed at Saya's futile attempts to harm him. "You are foolish, and-"

_Tink_!

"I wasn't done _talking_ yet, bitch!" He angrily shoved Saya back, who glanced at the window of the house and fumed inwardly.

"Dammit, Diva's right over there!" She thought to herself. "I'm so close! This is like…like having nineteen bucks in an ATM!!"

"I'm going to help Saya!" Kai whispered to David and Louis where they still hid behind the low wall. "Cover me!" He somersaulted out from behind the barrier and dashed toward Saya and her foe. David and Louis exchanged bored looks.

"Hell, I'm not covering the little bastard," David snorted.

"Well neither am I!" Louis declared. "_God_ can take care o' him!"

"Hey, that's _mean,_ you guys!" God complained from on high.

"Saya," James hissed deviously, "I've prepared a grave for you…right here!" He swept a spiked arm out to display a neat little casket with flowers and white fencing. "Do you like it? I picked the color because it really brings out the lovely complexion of your skin!"

"Yes, actually, it's-" Saya began to gush, then paused. "Wait…just a…_minute_. Stop trying to confuse me! I'm here to kill you, and- are those _blue_ roses? That is SO thoughtful of Diva!"

"Yeah, she helped me with the floral pattern!" James beamed with pride. "I got them from-"

_Bang, bang_!

"Ha ha! Take that!" Kai had finally somersaulted close enough to get some shots off from his trusty gun. "How you like them apples?!"

"If I'd wanted a kiss," chiro-James growled in response, "I would have called your _mother_."

KA-BOOOOM!

Suddenly a huge shot sent the monster reeling back in pain.

"…Alright, _that_ one hurt a little," James gurgled.

"How the hell did you _get_ that here?!" David demanded to know, glaring up at Louis as he reloaded his tank's cannon for another volley.

"Do you even _wanna_ know?" Louis shot back, cocking an eyebrow. David frowned.

"On second thought…no."

"_Psst_! Saya!" Kai sidled up to her, eyes pleading. "Lend me Haji! Please!" Saya paused and glanced at her man-slave.

"I ain't kissin' him," he stated blankly. Saya shrugged.

"Okay, sure," she told Kai. "But if you break him, you owe me twenty bucks."

"Twenty bucks?! That's all I'm worth?!" Haji burst into tears. "I thought I was _priceless_!!"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go, man-slave!" Kai grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him off, leaving the others to deal with James.

Elsewhere on the island, the Schiff continued to fight a losing battle against the half-dozen Corpse Corps, who managed to split Moses from the other two and began ganging up on him.

"You bastards!" Moses growled, then blinked in surprise. "Hey, if I move my hair to the side, I can actually SEE! I'm invincible!!" Blood suddenly spurted as the Corpse Corps hit his leg and shoulder. "Hmm…guess not."

Just as the Corpse Corps were about to land a finishing blow, Haji's cello case came flying through the air and knocked them back, saving Moses's life. The case's owner and Kai showed up seconds later, and together with the one-eyed Schiff managed to kill off a few of the soldiers.

"My hero!" Moses squealed once the fighting was over, hopping up into Haji's manly arms. He glared balefully down at the young Schiff, eyes narrowed and calculating.

"You're…NOT…Saya," he stated firmly, then dropped Moses on his ass.

"Hey, I helped too!" Kai huffed to himself, approaching the dejected boy. "I need a _favor_…" Moses scowled at him.

"I ain't kissin' you."

"Why does everyone _say_ that?!"

-Meanwhile…-

Elsewhere at the moment (I believe back on the mainland at the large mansion with flower gardens), Amshel once AGAIN stood before a raging fireplace, this time a protective fire-proof cup shielding him privates from harm. I guess he _did_ learn after all. He glanced over his shoulder as Solomon stepped out of the shadows.

"I'm back," Solomon smiled. Amshel grunted.

"You've been awhile."

"I, uh, had to take a huge dump. Had some Taco Bell for lunch, you know."

"…Did NOT…need…to KNOW that…" Amshel growled to himself, squeezing his eyes shut so hard he saw stars.

"Anyway," Solomon continued, tactfully changing the subject, "Saya's on Christina Island right now, yes?" Amshel nodded. "And…Diva is too…_right_?"

"Wrong!" A voice cried from the shadows. Riku-form Diva leapt out and kicked some burning embers from the fire onto Amshel's face, who howled in agony.

"_My eyelashes!!"_

"Oh, snap!" Solomon gasped to himself. "What is _she_ doing here?! I have to tell Saya!"

-Back on Christina Island-

Back on the lonely isle, Saya continued her epic battle with James the chevalier. It wasn't going well, with her sword proving ineffective against his tough hide, and he'd also managed to back her into a corner.

"Now!" He hissed eagerly, "There's nowhere for you to-"

_Tink_!

"Will you _stop_ interrupting me?! That is SO rude! Just hurry up and die!!" As he raised an arm to strike Saya, the Schiff suddenly appeared in flashes behind him, catching him unawares. They all dog-piled on him, holding him down as Haji dashed up and grabbed hold of his shoulder with his messed up hand. Wrenching upward, he succeeded in pulling off one of James's iron plates, revealing the soft, vulnerable skin beneath! _Jackpot_!

"Hey, cool!" Haji giggled. "It's like a snake shedding its skin, only monumentally disgusting and unbelievably painful!" He paused, staring at the armor plate he held. "…Look, I'm a turtle!"

"MOVE!" Saya shoved him to the side and charged James, slamming her blood-soaked blade into his arm and crystallizing it. Boo-yah! James didn't let this stop him, instead grabbing hold of Saya and rushing toward the adorable funeral arrangement he'd made for her.

"If I die, I'm taking you with me, ho!" He howled as he ran. Saya began to panic, unable to escape. Just as he was about to jump and take her with him into the casket, a white form shot from the sky and scooped Saya up and away, leaving James to crash (and presumably die) in the grave meant for Saya.

"Huh?!" Saya stared in wonder at her savor, a pale, winged chiropteran with blond tresses who carried her on its back as it flew. "Who the hell are-"

"Hey, baby. Miss me?" The chiro purred. Saya sighed.

"Solomon. Ew." She paused. "Can you hurry up and land?"

"_Awww_! But I wanted to take you to a deserted island where we can spend the rest of our days drinking coconut juice and fornicating under the sun!"

"LAND, JACKASS!!"

"Yes, ma'am." Solomon quickly wheeled down from the sky and landed next to Saya's comrades. Haji hurried up, an annoyed look on his face.

"For the love of God, man, _pick a damn side_!!" He growled as Saya hopped off and Solomon changed back to human form. "And quit touchin' my lady!"

"Diva isn't here," Solomon sadly told everyone. "My bro punk'd me, my bad. She's really on the mainland, and about to disembark to…"

-At that Moment-

"Amshel!" Diva whined, kicking her feet, "where's James? I wanna make fun of his horrible rapping!"

"He's, um, on tour," Amshel lied to her. "Now, let's get ready to go to New York!"

"…The whore from Flavor of Love?"

"Good GOD, no," Amshel snorted. "What do you think we are, evil?"

-_Aaaaand_ Back to the Island-

"New York?" David asked aloud. Louis shook his head.

"No, no, man. You're sayin' it wrong," he corrected. "You gotta use your _diaphragm_. Like this; N'Yok! See?"

"N…N'York?"

"Close!"

"Why, Solomon?" Saya asked the flip-flopping chevalier. "Why did you help me? Why do you always help me?"

"Because I…fell in love with you," Solomon whispered back. Saya blushed.

"R…really?'

"No, not really!" Solomon guffawed. "I just wanna bang you is all! Later!" He once again disappeared in a puff of wind, leaving not a trace…

"Hey, why're my _boxers_ gone?" Kai asked loudly.

Well…maybe not.

-Episode 38 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, fun. Poor Lil' J, may he rest in peace with Biggie and Tupac. Oh, wait, he's not dead, is he? Guess he wants some more punishment from me or something. Alright, then! Bring it on! _Cracks knuckles_. See you next time! Review, please!


	39. Episode 39: Magic Words Once More

Author's Note: Hee hee, I had fun again with this one. And come to think of it…I'm almost to the ten-episodes-left mark! Holy CRAP! I'm getting there! Wish me luck! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 39

Magic Words Once More

A camera lens zoomed in, bobbing a bit before slowly coming into focus. Through the lens could be seen Amshel, Diva's loyal chevalier, sitting in a beauty parlor getting his eyelashes done. The owner of the camera shifted and grunted, trying to get a better shot from the van parked outside the building.

"That's Amshel Goldsmith," Okamura stated, squinting at the target through the camera lens once again. Louis nodded in agreement, sitting next to him in the van's front. "He's- _whoa_! Check out that girl's ass! She's got a _Beyonce_-boosh goin' on!!"

"_Daaaaaaamn_!" Louis whistled in admiration. "Zoom in, zoom in!"

Elsewhere at the moment but listening to the conversation through a radio, David sighed heavily.

"Maybe…we shoulda gotten someone _else_ to do surveillance…"

"No, no, we're good!" Okamura and Louis quickly got back on track, focusing the camera lens on Amshel and watching him closely.

"That Amshel," Okamura growled, "what exactly is he?"

"We'll soon find out whether or not he really _is_ a chevalier," Louis smirked.

"How?" Okamura asked curiously. Louis slowly raised a hand and pointed at the signs on the bathrooms in the beauty parlor – Men, Women, and…_Chevalier_.

"You sly _dog_." Okamura whispered, settling down to wait. Suddenly a car came screeching down the road and as it reached the parlor, opened fire on the bearded chevalier. Okamura and Louis gaped as the car sped off down the road, leaving Amshel bloodied and most likely dead.

"Or we…coulda done that," Okamura admitted.

"Drive, man, drive!" Louis barked, smacking his shoulder. "We gotta get outta here!"

"What's the hurry?" Okamura asked as he fired up the engine.

"Look at me!" Louis explained hurriedly. "I'm the _only_ black male within a hundred-foot radius! They'll suspect me for _sure_!"

"Isn't that a little raci-"

"DRIVE!!" Louis shoved his foot over and slammed on the gas, causing them to leap forward into traffic. Okamura shrieked but grabbed the wheel as the two sped away from the crime scene.

-Back at Gray's House-

Saya was sleeping. It was wonderful. No Kai to bug her, no Haji to hit on her, and no Solomon to both bug and hit on her at the same time. It was…bliss. A sudden noise caused her to stir. She slowly cracked open her eyes and looked up to see-

Haji. His face was mere inches from her own, watching her intently. They stared at one another for several long seconds.

"…What're you doing?" Saya finally asked.

"Watching you sleep," Haji answered bluntly.

"…_Why_?"

"No reason." He shrugged. The silence stretched on. "Want some pancakes?"

"NO!" Saya shoved him away and stood up from the bed, grabbing her purple jacket and whisking it over her pajama's. Haji got up to follow her downstairs, chatting all the while.

"-and that ho Monique wouldn't join you, no matter _how_ much I offered to pay her, so then I just started watching you sleep, did you know you grind your teeth? And-"

Downstairs in the kitchen, Gray, the kids, Kai, Mao, and Monique all sat or stood around the kitchen table, wondering what they would do that day.

"Let's go kill someone!" Mao exclaimed. The kids began to cheer but a sharp glare from Gray made them stop.

"Let's go _fishing_," Gray suggested. Mao looked disappointed while the children cheered loudly. "This is perfect for you two," he told the kids, "because even if you pee yourselves, we can just toss you into the river to clean you off!" The kids cheered again.

"I'll stay here," Monique told him from the sink. "I need a break from the devil spawn." She paused, glancing at Kai. "And from the kids, too."

"Oh, _ha, ha_," Kai drawled, turning quickly to hide the tear in his eye.

"Hey, will you come with us?" Javier asked sweetly.

"I ain't getting' all _sweaty_!" Mao snorted.

"I didn't ask you, ho!" Javier snapped. "I was talking to _her_!" She pointed at Saya, who had just appeared in the kitchen entrance.

"Who, me?" Saya blinked in surprise. "Well, gee, I dunno, I- _eeep_!" She squeaked and blushed, jerking back in shock when Javier suddenly bopped her in the groin with the head of a chiropteran, the present Saya had given her.

"Come on, please?" The little girl begged, sticking her lower lip out in a pout.

"Sometimes it's nice to let your hair down," Kai told her wisely. Saya frowned.

"But…my hair is sh-"

_Bop_!

"Will you stop hitting my crotch, brat?!" She glared down to find Haji crouched on the floor in front of her, looking guilty.

"Erm…hi." He said weakly. Saya began slowly unsheathing her blade. "Bye!" He shot toward the door, Saya in hot pursuit.

-Elsewhere, at the Large Mansion Place from Before-

At the large mansion place from before (you know, where Diva and her chevaliers live or whatever), a grand party was taking place. Lovely women in gowns and handsome men in tuxes (and sometimes vice-versa) milled around, drinking champagne and chatting with one another. In the middle of one crowd, Mr. Argeno was getting smashed, guzzling down cup after cup of booze.

"And…she's got these _huge_ tits that-" he was in the middle of saying when a murmur went up over the partygoers as Amshel suddenly made his appearance- wait, _Amshel_? He's _alive_?! Did his magical eyelashes _revive_ him or something?!

Meanwhile, at the entrance gate to the party, the bouncer was being a jackass and refusing entry to David and his wheel-chaired companion, Joel.

"For the last time, your name's not on the list, so I can't let you in," the bouncer explained firmly. "Now please, leave."

"Want me to kill him?" David asked in a hushed whisper. Joel shook his head, having a plan of his own.

"It's alright," he agreed with a soft sigh, smiling at the bouncer. "Thank you for your ti- _oh, the pain_!" He winced and clutched at his knees. "Ow! My poor, useless, _withered_ legs!"

"Hopefully he won't…_faint _from the_ pain_ this time!" David added, having caught on. He took hold of the wheelchair and began maneuvering it away. "Come on, let's go home so I can change your adult diaper and then sing you to sleep while you sob in unimaginable agony!"

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" The bouncer sobbed, bursting into tears, "you poor thing! Alright, I'll let you in!" He stepped aside, gesturing toward the entrance with an arm.

"Thanks a lot, a-hole," Joel muttered, running over the man's toe as he zoomed inside.

"Yeah, thanks," David grunted, elbowing the man in the chest as he walked by.

"Such…_nice_…people!" The bouncer gagged, bleeding from his mouth a little.

-Back with Gray and the Others-

In the lush green countryside, by a winding blue ribbon of river, the crew stopped and found a suitable place for fly-fishing. Kai was the first to try his luck, jumping right into the river and attempting the catch the fish with nothing but his hands.

"Why you! Get back here! Slippery little motherfu-"

"KAI!" Kai looked up to see Gray holding out a fishing rod. "Use _this_."

"Oh." He climbed back out of the water and took the rod from Gray. After waiting several moments, Kai suddenly threw the rod into the water with a splash. "I don't see how this is supposed to _kill_ them." He stated matter-of-factly. Gray resisted the urge to hold him underwater until he stopped twitching.

Up on the bank, Saya sat on the green grass, watching Kai be stupid. It actually made her feel quite relaxed, as it took her back to her days in Okinawa with Riku and George. Haji stood behind her, also watching thoughtfully.

"You know, Saya," he said, "it's okay to let them help us. It's as they say, you need rest." He paused. "And a little _lovin'_ wouldn't hurt either."

"Oh…Haji…" Saya said softly, gazing back at her loyal man-slave.

_Riiiiiiip_!

Suddenly a fishing hook came whizzing back, snagging on Saya's jacket and ripping it off of her. She sat there for several moments, blinking, before leaping to her feet in fury.

"Kai, I'm gonna _kill_ you!" She roared, wheeling toward him.

"Aim for her skirt next!" Haji cheered. "Her _skirt_!"

"Go, Mutt! Sic him!" Saya ordered. Gray's dog (which _refuses_ to die) obediently jumped to its feet and proceeded to eat Kai's face off. Saya smiled in satisfaction and sat back down.

"Its name isn't Mutt!" Javier said, suddenly appearing beside Saya. "It's Pocha!" She held up her chiro-head. "And this here is Rosy!"

"No, it should be Stinger!" Nahabi argued, also appearing by her side.

"You're both wrong!" Saya snapped. "Its name is Kali, Goddess of the Death!" The children stared. "Well it _is_!"

"Hey, I want a video game for my birthday!" Nahabi went on excitedly. "Will you get me one? Please?"

"Yeah, yeah. Gotcha." Saya took out a piece of paper and made a note. "Grand…Theft…Auto."

"Goodbye, childhood innocence!" Nahabi sang aloud.

-Back at the Party-

Back at Amshel's party, David and Joel began mingling with the crowd. Thankfully the partygoers were all too wasted to notice the large camera strapped with duct-tape to the top of David's cranium.

"You guys got visual?" David whispered to Louis and Okamura over the radio, where they sat outside in the van. "Can you see?"

"It's…kinda hard not to," Okamura replied truthfully.

"Good. Here." David held up a middle finger in front of the camera lens.

"Awww, _not_ cool, man!"

The partygoers finally began to notice Joel's arrival, muttering to themselves and pointing.

"You're the center of attention," David told him quietly.

"Yes," Joel answered. "The last time I had this much of an audience I was wearing tights and a corset and kicking my heels up." He paused, not noticing David's disturbed stare. "Ooh, _punch_!" He zoomed over to the refreshment table as David hurried after him.

From inside the van, Louis and Okamura were watching all that transpired. It didn't take them long to start goofing off.

"Whoa! Check out that lady's bosom! She's like Pamela Anderson!"

"Where, man, where?!" Louis leaned in close to the small TV. "Holy crap, they're like _basketballs_! I'd like to dribble-"

"HEY! Rated _teen_, man," Okamura interrupted. Louis frowned.

"I'd like to…get her number and take her on a respectable date after which I drive her home with no obligation to sleep with me!" He smiled cheesily at the camera and settled back, focusing on the screen. "Wow, look at all those top military industrialists!"

"How the hell do you _know_ that?" Okamura asked in awe. "I'm having trouble distinguishing which are _male_ and which are _female_!"

"I'm ex-CIA," Louis explained proudly. Okamura cocked an eyebrow at his gut.

"Mo' like ex-_EAT_," he muttered. Louis immediately used the sleeper hold on him and he crumpled forward in his seat, unconscious.

Back inside the party, David stopped in his tracks as he came face-to-breasts with Julia, the seductive scientist. She stared back at him in shock, then looked away.

"David, what are you doing here?" She whispered fiercely, glancing around. "There's too many people here, I can't _bleep_ you! And what if Van sees you?"

"I…don't think that'll be a problem," David stated, glancing over to where Mr. Argeno was running around with his pants on his head. "Anyway, I just wanted to ask you-"

"What your bra size is?" A cold voice finished. David and Julia gasped and whirled around to find Dr. Collins glaring at them disapprovingly. "Well too bad, _I'm_ the only who knows because she's _my_ hot assistant. So hands off!"

"Wow, I can't tell the difference!" Joel exclaimed, wheeling over and staring at the two skinny men. "David? David? Which one _are_ you?"

"That one," Julia pointed out the correct David.

"How do you know?" Joel asked curiously, then stopped. "Wait, don't tell me, your breasts are like David-radars?"

"NO, David is taller," Julia said huffily. Joel waited. "And yes, my chest can tell, OKAY?"

"It's great to see you're doing so well, Dr Collins," David told the doctor in icy tones, "as Van Argeno's _bitch_."

"I am NOT Van Argeno's bitch!" Dr. Collins snapped back, then checked his watch. "Now I gotta go, it's almost time for Vanny's _bubble_ bath!" He grabbed hold of Julia's arm and dragged her away as she whimpered and blew kisses at David.

"David? _David?!_ Da- oh, there you are."

-Back at Gray's House-

Back at Gray's house, Monique was busy hanging up the wet laundry to dry in the summer breeze while Moa was busy checking out her own ass in some new designer jeans.

"Do these pants make me look fat?" She asked Monique after a moment.

"If I say no," Monique replied, wiping sweat from her forehead, "will you help me with the rest of the laundry?"

"No."

"Then you're fat as hell."

"HEY!" Mao stamped a foot, then forced herself to calm down. "Monique, what do you like about Kai? Tell me!"

"Well…" Monique blushed a little, fidgeting. "I like his…no. Oh! How he's always…no, not that, either!" She thought for several long moments. "Geez, why DO I like him?"

"Because he's so…what's the word?" Mao snapped her fingers, thinking.

"Stupid?" Monique finished.

"Yeah, that's it!"

"Here, help me with the laundry, or I'll wash your underwear with the kid's," Monique said firmly. Moa scowled, but stood up and strode to a basketful of dirty clothes.

"Fine." She heaved it up, then dropped it back down immediately after. "Oh, I'm _exhausted_!"

"FORGET IT!!"

-Back With Saya-

Meanwhile, Saya and the others continued to fish, the children and Gray successfully catching some while Kai caught nothing but old bottles, tires, dead bodies and a rash.

"Wow, it takes _talent_ to suck that much!" Nahabi laughed.

"Shut up!" Kai flushed with shame. Finally Gray took pity on the poor boy and gave him some fatherly advice.

"Here, listen," Gray told him patiently, "if you want to _catch_ a fish, you've got to _think_ like a fish."

"Man, I can't think _that_ hard!" Kai whined. Gray sighed and patted his back.

"I know, son, I know." He said solemnly. "Just think _simply_."

"Think simply?" Kai grinned. "Well then I GOT this she-_yit_!"

Up on the bank, Saya watched as Kai threw out his line once more and waited for a bite. Next to her, Javier was placing a flower-crown on the top of Haji's head, who growled warningly.

"Down, Haji! Behave!" Saya ordered, snapping her fingers. Haji slumped obediently and was forced to allow Javier to add a flower-bra to his raiment.

"I am Captain Ahab!" Kai cried as his line went taut. "And I've just captured Moby Dick, the great white wha-_auuugh_!!" He then fell face-first into the cold river water.

"Does he know how to swim?" Haji asked.

"Beats me," Saya shrugged. Behind her, an evil smile began spreading over Haji's face.

-_Aaaaand_ Back to the Par-tay-

"Joel? It's Joel!"

"Huh? Oh, _bleep_!! _BLEEP_!!" Joel jerked in panic, slamming the reverse on his controls and bashing backwards into David's tender shins. His escape rout cut off, the large woman who'd spotted him skipped over and settled her girth right onto Joel's tiny lap.

"Oh, Joel!" She gushed, throwing her arms around his neck, "I haven't seen you since you had on tights and a corset and were kicking up your heels! I heard you were in an accident! Do you have any injuries?'

"You're…kinda…sitting on them," Joel managed to choke out.

"Oh? Oh!" The woman quickly hopped up and blushed. "Sorry about that."

"No problem," Joel said weakly, dusting off his crushed legs. "I don't need them anyway."

"I'm honored to have the head of the Goldschmidt family grace us with his presence," a deep voice interrupted. Joel slowly swiveled his chair and looked up at Amshel, who grinned down at him evilly.

"HOOO!" David leapt forward, ready to bust a move if need be.

"No," Joel held up a hand, stopping him. "There's no need. Stand down, David."

"Aww…" David groaned but relaxed. Joel and Amshel stared, sizing each other up, neither backing down an inch.

"Joel's sure got some balls, eh?" Okamura commented, watching the footage from David's head-cam.

"What?" Louis blinked. "I was too busy checkin' _outtie_ the _hottie_."

"Where, man?! You gotta _tell_ me these things!"

Back inside the party, Amshel and Joel had finishing sizing each other up, and the verbal warfare began.

"Joel," Amshel said quickly, raising a hand, "please, _don't_ get up."

"Oh, I won't," Joel shot back. "I heard you're into biotechnology now. No need to mascara- I mean, _mask_ it from me."

"Indeed, you have sharp legs- excuse me, _ears_, Joel." Amshel snorted.

"Believe me, I do," Joel commented, not giving an inch. "In the biotechnology field, how do you expect to lash- pardon me, _last_?"

"It's easy," Amshel retorted smoothly. "We're creating new types that give us a _leg up_ on the competition."

"Yeah, well…" Joel paused, searching for a new veiled insult. "…You have girly eyelashes, so THERE! Quick escape, David!" David obeyed, hopping up onto the back of Joel's wheelchair while the paralyzed man jammed on the accelerator, burning rubber before quickly zooming off toward the exit. "See you in New York, Lashes!" Joel called tauntingly over his shoulder as they fled.

Amshel entered the mansion and watched them zip down the long driveway from one of the lush interior rooms.

"Did you call me?" Mr. Argeno asked, poking his head (which still had his pants donned) into the room. Amshel glanced at him and motioned him to enter.

"Yes, it's very important," he told the Frenchman, pausing. "Here's my question: Are my eyelashes _really_ that girly?"

"Well, lemme put it this way," Mr. Argeno explained patiently, "if you shaved off your beard, I would be _willing_ to make out with you."

Amshel stared at him insanely, slowly raising a hand and pointing at the door with a quivering finger.

"GET…_OUT_…"

"Call me!" Mr. Argeno whispered as he slipped out the door.

"NOW!" Amshel hurled a lamp just as the door snapped closed. He blinked, having remembered something else important. "Oh, crap! I forgot to tell Argeno he's now CEO of the company! …Eh, I'll just tell him later when he's not wasted." He paused. "…Wait, when is he ever _not_?"

-Back With Saya-

Saya was sleeping. Again. This time, however, she was dreaming peaceful, _bleep_ed up dreams, dreams where she levitated over fields of golden wheat and her hair ruffled in a gentle breeze. She slowly lifted her arms and hugged the air, smiling.

"Mmm…it's so warm…" she murmured, "and this scent…it's…"

"Saya, not here!" A voice rudely interrupted. "There are too many witnesses to our borderline-incestual love-making!"

Saya's eyes snapped open as she jolted awake. Looking down, she immediately saw two things: one, Kai was carrying her, and two, there was no number two, Kai was _freaking_ carrying her on his back!

"So _that's_ what I smelled," she stated aloud, "the musky, unmistakable aroma of _stupid_."

"Thanks, you like it?" Kai grinned. "It's better than Axe _any_ day!"

"Whatever you say," Saya grunted. "Now put me the _bleep_ down." Kai obeyed, since she'd said it with a _bleep_ and that meant she might _bleep_ _him_ up for not listening. Together the two stared out at the horizon, where the sun was just setting in a haze of yellow and orange.

"You know, Saya," Kai told her firmly, "you're my family, so I'll always protect you. And don't forget – 'Shit Happens'. Don't ever forget those magical words."

"Kai…" Saya whispered softly, touched.

_Riiiiiiiiip_!

A fishing hook shot out of nowhere, snagging hold of Kai's shirt and ripping it off, leaving his chest bare.

"My _nipples_!" Kai shrieked, attempting to cover himself.

"Dammit, I missed!" Haji growled, reeling the line back in. "I was aiming for Saya!"

"Haji, you _bastard_!" Saya went for him.

-The Next Day, at Dawn-

As the darkness of the previous night began to lift and smoky ropes of mist still clung to the grass, Haji, David, Louis, Kai, Okamura, and Mao were all busy shoving the last of their cargo into the cars for their trip to New York. Monique wiped a tear from her eyes as she watched, the kids standing next her and wailing, having peed themselves hours before. Gray also watched solemnly, glancing back at the house where Saya was yet to emerge.

Saya stood inside Gray's house, still not yet ready to leave. She trailed a hand down an expensive-looking vase, then, making sure no-one was looking, quickly pocketed it under her jacket.

"I…I'm taking this," she stated to the empty air. "I deserve it. I saved their asses!" So saying, she hustled toward the front door and opened it to find the others staring at her expectantly. Gulping, she steeled herself and stepped forward out of the house.

"Saya, what the hell do you have under that jacket? Did you steal something? Or is it my love-child?"

"DAMMIT, Haji!!"

-End Episode 39-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: I think my favorite part of this chapter is the verbal warfare between Amshel and Joel. It was a lot of fun to write, with them both insulting each other's most beloved characteristics – lashes and legs. I doubt there'll be a round two, though, since they never meet again (er, right?). Too bad! Oh, and guess what! I made a poll for who's your favorite character from Blood Minus, check it out on my profile page! Be sure to go and vote for your favorite! I think mine might be David…can't wait to see who's the most popular! Thanks for reading, review please!


	40. Episode 40: The Dreams of a Chevalier

Author's Note: Hey, this one's up a day early because I'll be really busy Sunday, plus I finished it quick (it's kinda short). We're having a lot of company all next week, but despite that I will still be attempting another episode. Wish me luck! Man, no David and Kai interaction in this episode! It was all about perverted Solomon and how much he wants to sleep with Saya. _Boriiiing_! Well…in my opinion, anyway. Sorry to any Solomon fans who were offended! Anyway…read and review, please! It's my goal to reach six hundred reviews by the end! Come on, gimme all you got! Good, bad, anything! I'm ready for it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 40

The Dreams of a Chevalier

In the United States, the good ol' US of A, land of the free, home of the Whopper, Diva sang. She (in Riku-form) trounced around a large, green garden surrounded with pillars around which twined thorny vines bearing blue roses. Throwing her head back, she let loose another line of song, letting it roll over the land and reverberate off the nearby sky-scrapers of New York City. The Statue of Liberty, listening from its pedestal in the heart of the busy city, frowned.

"Man, I'm a freakin' _statue_, and even _I_ can tell that's really a 500-pound Viking Opera Singer!" It stated in disgust.

"Mmm, yeah," the Empire State Building agreed in a quiet voice, "that bitch be lyin'."

"Hey, I don't really care about that ho who sings like she's constipated," the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts butted in, "I just wanted to tell you guys that no matter what you think, I am _not_ gay! I'll have you know that none of my awesome performers would even _think_ of lip-synching like this little-"

"_Shut it_!" Diva snapped, a blush staining her cheeks. "Why does everyone always say that it's not me and a 500-pound Viking Opera Singer (because it is, girlfriend)? I can sing! I CAN! Just listen!" She paused. "_My humps! My humps! You love my lady-lumps!_"

"Diva, _language_!" Amshel scolded from off-screen.

-Elsewhere in the City of N'Yok-

Elsewhere in the huge city, in an expensive-looking apartment, Saya slept once again. She didn't let the constant traffic or Haji's heavy breathing disturb her, she simply slumbered. Speaking of the perverted chevalier, he was again watching her sleep, a soft smile on his face.

"Aww," he thought to himself, "she looks so _peaceful_."

"Die, Diva, die!" Saya snarled in her sleep, violently strangling her pillow. She then clawed it open and devoured the fluffy contents like it was a nine-layer bean burrito. Finally she began to settle down, twisting over on the bed with her legs flung out. "Papa…" she whimpered, "why do all the girls like me? I'm so _confused_…" Tears sprang in the corner of her eyes, and she sniffled. Haji immediately leaned forward and wiped the tears away, then stored them in a special bottle that hung around his neck.

"Mmm…_Saya_ tears," he whispered with relish, "like the nectar of God's _balls_."

Suddenly Saya's eyes snapped open, and she and her man-slave found their faces only inches away.

"…Haji?" Saya asked sweetly. "What did I say about watching me sleep?"

"That it's…creepy and borderline-obsessive?"

"No, the other thing."

"That…if I record it and put it up on Youtube you'll do a ritual to send my soul directly to Hades?"

"Close, but no."

"That it's…three strikes and I'm out?"

"That's right." Saya stated as she sat up in bed. "And by 'out', I mean I cut your thing off."

"_Eeep_!" Haji hurriedly backed away from her, hands cupping his precious unmentionables as she tottered to her feet and stood up. "D…don't you want to know where everyone is?" He asked nervously.

"NO." Saya sniffed. "Apparently God took pity of my poor, tortured soul and so decided to give me a little break." Here she stared meaningfully at Haji. "A…_little_ break." She sighed and took a step forward.

"Oh, you fell over!" Haji suddenly cried, jumping forward and throwing his arms around Saya in a tight huggle. She went rigid.

"I did not! You _tripped_ me!"

"No, you fell over, silly-buns!" Haji giggled, not letting go. "Now shh! _Sleeeep_! Shhh!"

"Get offa me!" Saya shoved him away and straightened her clothes. "I am NOT sleepy anymore, Haji, alright? I'm fine." Haji frowned and rubbed his chin.

"Strange, those pills should be kicking in by now-"

"WHAT?! What pills?!" Saya demanded. Haji blinked innocently.

"Pills? Did I say pills? I didn't say pills I have nothing to do with pills pills have nothing to do with it pills-"

"HAJI!!" Saya glared at her man-slave, but he still refused to answer. "Fine then, be that way." She paused, an idea to get back at him coming to her. "I'm gonna go take a _hot shower_."

Haji stared after her quietly as she dramatically exited the room and went into the bathroom, the door shutting with a click.

"Why do you DO these things to me?!" He wailed, bursting into tears. "Do you _enjoy_ tormenting me?! _Guhhh_!" He threw himself face-down onto the bed, sobbing.

-Back With Diva-

Back at Diva's new mansion-place, the evil twin continued dancing around the yard, bellowing out her operatic tune.

Okay, seriously, Diva. We're all sick of that song and we've heard it a million times already. You got anything else?

"I…I sang My Humps!" Diva pointed out.

…Again, anything else?

"Hmm…" Diva thought for a moment. "_Do you belieeeve in life after love? I can hear something inside me sayin', I really don't think I'm strong enough, no!_"

"Hello?" Nathan, drawn like a mouse to cheese, poked his head out the front door of the mansion and hurried over. "Did someone call me? I thought I heard Cher- OH!" He gasped aloud when he saw child-form Diva. "Diva, honey! Those shoes SO do not match that blouse! And don't even get me _started_ on your hair! Lordy!"

"HEY!" Diva's eyes glowed a brilliant blue as she whirled about in fury. "No-one insults my wardrobe, you _queen_!" She leapt forward and grabbed hold of Nathan by the neck, latching on with her sharp teeth and beginning to drink down his life's blood. After several long moments, she suddenly stopped and dropped him on his ass. Diva promptly turned away and went back to singing, leaving Nathan sitting there on the ground feeling awkward.

"Just…just like that, huh?" He called after her, holding his wounded neck. "You're just gonna walk away and forget about me, huh? Well it meant something to ME!" He paused. "I wonder how the _other_ Queen is doing…"

-With the 'Other Queen'-

"Damn, my ass is _itchin'_!!" Saya cried aloud, scratching desperately at her hindquarters.

"_I'll_ scratch it for you!" Haji generously volunteered.

"_No_!" Saya smacked him, paused, then smacked him again for good measure.

The two were still in the lush apartment, Saya sitting with a needle in her arm (no, she's not taking drugs! Don't stop reading!) getting a blood transfusion (see? It's okay!). Ew. Let's hope it's clean blood.

"Hey!" Haji snapped, glaring at the camera. "I am _80_ percent sure that this blood _doesn't_ have AIDS, so _there_." He turned away in a huff.

"…What's the other 20 percent?" Saya wondered to herself. Her thoughts were cut off as Haji handed her a steaming cup of tea. She raised it to her lips before pausing. "You didn't…put anything in it, right? Like more pills?"

"Of course not," Haji sniffed disdainfully.

"Okay, good." Saya took a deep gulp.

"Although I _did_ spit in it a little."

Saya retched it back up.

"I was still a bit miffed about the whole 'shower' thing," Haji went on explaining, "but you can think of it as you now have a part of me inside y-"

_Crash_!

Saya smashed the cup over Haji's head. As he groaned in pain and began to pick the glass splinters from his matted hair, she stared out through the window at the city folk below, going about their business in cars and on the streets.

"These people," she murmured quietly, "are clueless about the fight against Diva and her chevaliers. They have no idea I'm bustin' my ass for them. This whole battle will end without anyone knowing about it."

"Oh, come on!" Haji snorted. "What do you want, a prize? Here's a kiss for saving the world!"

"I said no!" Saya shoved him back once again and looked so sad Haji decided to try and cheer her up. Thankfully he went with the long, boring speech rather than the strip-tease.

"This is the path _we_ chose, Saya," he told her firmly. "I don't regret becoming your chevalier and your lov-" _Glare_ "-aaaaable sidekick," he finished with a cough. "You keep my company when I'm lonely, not to mention are something good to look at when David starts talkin'." He paused, looking thoughtful. "Although Julia _can_ be a substitute. Anyway, as I was saying-"

Saya suddenly pitched forward into his chest, the sleepiness too much to handle.

"-and we really should- okay, now you're not even _looking_ at me, and that's just _rude_." He paused, blinking down at his master. "Saya? Saya! Oh, _bleep_!"

-_Aaaaand_ Back to Diva-

Back with the spoiled Queen and her chevaliers, the former was still playing in the garden while Amshel watched over her carefully from afar, seated at a small patio table on the lawn. Nathan appeared at his side and lifted up a wine bottle and some wine glasses, smiling. Amshel's eyes narrowed into slits.

"Oh, _hell_ no," he stated in a harsh whisper. "I am NOT making the same mistake twice." He quickly scooted away from the gay man, who tossed his head and took a seat.

"You're just afraid you'll _like_ it!" He sniffed disdainfully. He watched Amshel watch Diva for several moments, then smiled in amusement. "You're just like her father, Amshel."

"What?" Amshel blinked in surprise, then scoffed. "Oh, please, don't be rediculo- Diva honey, put the dog poop _down_. I will not say it again. Don't- _put it down_!!" He sighed and looked back at Nathan. "I really don't see where you get that fro- Diva, take those pants off your head this _instant_! Van Argeno is _not_ baby-sitting you anymore!"

"Amshel," Nathan interrupted suddenly, "tell me, what's your wish?"

"My wish?" Amshel thought about this for a moment. "I'd…really rather you not send me naked pictures of yourself anymore." Nathan pursed his lips, calculating.

"…What's…your _second_ wish?"

"Alright, where the HELL is that brat Solomon?" Amshel asked impatiently, having finally lost his cool. "Isn't _he_ the one you usually throw yourself at?!"

As if by magic, the man in question appeared on the premises, emerging from the nearby woods. Amshel raised an eyebrow at his brother's new change of clothes, having switched out of his normal white suit to a now all-black one.

"Solomon," Amshel asked darkly, standing up from the table, "what's with the change of attire, hmm? Why black now?"

"Uh, have you _seen_ my ass in these clothes?" Solomon stated bluntly, then twirled around to give everyone an eyeful. "Ba-BOW!"

"_I_ like them!" Nathan commented.

"You would," Amshel muttered under his breath, then glared at his brother. "So, no _other_ reason you changed your clothes? No _symbolic_ reason whatsoever? Not trying to _match_ a certain someone? Hmm? _Hmm_? _HMM_?!"

"You got some phlegm in your throat or something?" Solomon rolled his eyes. "Look, I chose these clothes because they make my ass look hot, and that's it!" He turned his gaze from his older brother to Diva standing before him. "Diva, do you remember…the first time we met?"

"Awww, I _hate_ flashbacks," Diva whined. "Mother-fu-"

-_Flashbaaaaaack_!-

In a huge, ancient stone castle somewhere in the world (I'm inclined to say France but don't know for sure), a younger Solomon dutifully followed his brother Amshel down into the depths of the castle's basements. They walked in silence for several minutes before coming to a dead end where the light from their lanterns illuminated an enormous, empty cocoon sitting in one corner.

"Oh my…oh my GOD!" Solomon gasped in horror, whipping off his shoe and glancing around in panic. "We've got one HUGE spider in here! Quick, I think I'll need your shoes, too, Amshel! Hurry and take them off!"

"No, no, there's no spider down here, Solomon," Amshel explained patiently, patting his shoulder to calm him. "Don't worry, I thought the same thing myself. Couldn't sleep for a week. Had to use a night-light and wet myself at every sound. Anyway," he quickly changed the subject, "THIS is what I wanted you to see." He swept out a hand grandly, and Solomon looked down to see…

…A beautiful, naked girl lying on the ground unconscious.

"…Mother-effin' _jackpot_," Solomon thought to himself. To Amshel, he said, "Okay, who gets to go first? We gotta draw straws, or Rock-Paper-Scissors?"

"NO, you perverted fool," Amshel snarled, drawing a knife. Solomon watched in horror as he slit his hand and fed blood to the girl, who very obviously wasn't human or was simply quite kinky. Finally Amshel pulled his hand away and turned to Solomon, knife glinting in the candlelight. "Are you ready?"

"I…uh…er…think I left…the kitchen stove on," Solomon stuttered, sweating profusely and inching toward the exit.

"Too late!" Amshel cried, leaping forward and stabbing his brother, who fell to the floor in a heap. "Alright, Diva! Drink up!" Diva frowned and cocked her head.

"Not hungry."

"WHAT?!" Amshel exploded. "Diva, please, I could get into a lot of trouble for this. Plus I don't have any good shovels to bury the bastard with anyway. _Please_."

"Hmm…" Diva's eyes narrowed as she studied him. "Can I put mascara on you?"

"I…I…" Amshel looked between Solomon's bloodied body and his precious treasure. "Oh, alright, alright! You can do whatever you want with my eyelashes, just drink his blood already!"

"_Yaaay_!"

And so was born Amshel's girly eyelashes.

-End of Flashbaaaaaack!-

Back in the present, Solomon continued talking about his life, even though no-one was listening or cared. Diva was busy plucking blue blossoms from the vines and _eating_ them (Anyone else wonder why Diva acts like an autistic child all throughout this episode? What, does it take all her brain power to make babies or something?) while Amshel was checking his eyelashes in a small pocket-mirror. Nathan was still sitting at the patio table and had his legs propped up while he flipped through a fashion magazine.

"…and then in the fifth grade, there was this _other_ chick I really wanted to bang," Solomon was in the midst of saying, "and- okay, you see this?" He stressed, pointing at the others not paying attention to him, "THIS is why I changed sides, alright? Saya might hate my guts and all, but at least she acknowledges my existence with that hate!"

"Solomon," Diva asked quietly, turning back to her old self for an instant, "do you…like Saya?"

"I…wanna bang her," Solomon admitted truthfully. "Does…does that count?"

Diva laughed, changing back to Riku-form and warping away to-

BAM!

"Owch! Amshel, _move_ your fat ass!" Diva snarled, having warped right into Amshel's path.

"My apologies, mistress," Amshel said quietly, shuffling to the side. Diva tossed her head and shot Solomon a haughty glare.

"Fine then! You're no longer my Chevalier!" She sniffed. "OR in my top five!" She quickly whipped out her phone and changed the lineup. "Or on my Friend's list, for that matter!" She pulled out a laptop and fiddled with her Myspace. "Go bang Saya, see if I care!"

"That's what I'm hoping!" Solomon stated as she warped away- right into Nathan.

"Ow! Move your candy-ass, twinkle-toes!"

"Solomon," Amshel chuckled evilly, glaring at him, "you _really_ think we'll just let you leave?"

"Well, I did…" Solomon admitted, "until…you _chuckled_ like that."

"That's right, bitch," Amshel smirked, raising a hand. Solomon whipped out his nifty hand-claw thing, and the fight began.

"Hey, don't ruin the garden!" Nathan called as the ground was gouged open and pillars cut to pieces. "_Eeek_! Or my hair! Dammit, Amshel! I just had it _layered_!" The two men continued fighting, ignoring the homosexual's protests and causing mass destruction on the property. Finally Nathan decided he'd had enough. "Okay, you two! Stop it! STOP IT!"

Amshel and Solomon continued fighting.

"Stop fighting right now, or…or…or I'll _hit_ on you!"

Amshel and Solomon immediately stopped fighting and shook hands.

"Good show, old chap."

"You too, brother. Jolly good."

Meanwhile, inside the mansion and blissfully unaware of the war between the chevaliers taking place outside, Diva sat on a couch, leaning against a tank that contained what was left of Lil' J (he's still alive! Whoop!). He was in a recuperative coma, however, and slumbered along with his beloved mistress.

"Mmm…what rhymes with 'I'm gonna get you, ho'?" He muttered in his sleep.

"Shut up and go to sleep before I kill you," Diva murmured back.

"Solomon," Amshel told his brother, "take your hot little ass and get out of here. Go to Saya or on the new I Love New York, I really don't give one _hundred_ craps about you anymore. Just don't, like, go on that gross show and come back and sleep in my bed so I get crabs or anything. Really. The first time was enough." He paused, looking awkward. "Perhaps I've…said too much."

"Actually, no," Solomon consoled him. "I've also had that proble-"

"GO!" Amshel snapped, not eager to discuss venereal diseases with his brother. Solomon gave him a pouty look, then whirled on his heel and flounced away in a huff. Several minutes later, he scuttled back into the garden, looking sheepish.

"Er, I can't, uh, borrow your car one more time? I've got a hot date tomorrow night and-"

"GOOOOOOOOO!"

-With Saya-

Back in New York City, Saya was once again (surprise!) deep asleep. Haji slowly snuck up to her side, large metal cymbals in his hands. As he rose up and made to crash them together, Saya suddenly gave a loud snort and mumbled in her sleep.

"Hmm…I'm-a kill you, Haji…"

Haji froze, deflated, and scurried away.

"Maybe some other time…"

BAM!

The door to the apartment swung open and Kai strode in, yawning widely.

"Man, I am _so_ tired from doing absolutely _nothing_ all day!" He stated matter-of-factly, stretching his back so it cracked. "Hey, is Saya asleep? You got any cymbals to crash?"

"That…isn't such a great idea," Haji cut in quickly. "What did you- I mean, the _others_ accomplish today?"

"We found a new apartment for headquarters," Kai reported, saluting. "We're moving in tomorrow. Here, wake Saya up, I brought some take-out for dinner."

"Please, let Saya sl-"

"TAKE-OUT?!" Saya jerked awake and shoved Haji across the room as she dashed up to Kai. "Where?! Gimme, gimme!"

Haji, feeling a bit put-out, took his beloved cello and climbed to the top of the building. Once there, amidst the darkened sky and shining stars, he set himself down comfortably and played a lovely song, which echoed throughout the city, bringing a sense of peace and serenity to all who heard it.

"Shut the _bleep_ up, Maestro! It's two in the _bleep_ing morning!!"

"_Eeeeveryone's_ a critic…" Haji muttered to himself.

-Episode 40 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hah, that was fun, besides it being a boring (in my opinion) episode! Alright, one more down, only a few more to go! _Whooooot_! I never thought this series would be this much fun. Oh, and thanks to everyone who voted at the character polls, Haji is indeed the crowd favorite, followed by David (yay!) and then Riku (wtf?). And now, a word from our winner, Haji.

Haji: Hey, thanks everyone for voting for my awesomely _hot ass_! I knew I deserved it! As thanks, I'm willing to sleep with all you lovely ladies who voted for me, and if you're male, I'll just close my eyes and pretend you're Saya. So-

Okay, that's enough! Thanks again, review please!


	41. Episode 41: Where I Should Be

Author's Note: I think I just crapped myself. I'm in the ten-episodes-or-less aisle now, aren't I? …Aren't I? I kinda suck at math, so…hold on…yes, yes! I have the final ten episodes left to go and I'm DONE! Woo-_hoo_! Wish me luck! This episode had lots of Mao, so expect a whole lotta 'tude. Just a warning! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 41

Where I Should Be

-At the Airport-

Mao scowled at the flight attendant standing behind the desk across from her. The poor woman was sweating buckets, furiously typing away at her computer while withering under Mao's stone-cold glare. Finally she looked up and attempted to smile.

"How may I help you?" She asked as sweetly as she could.

"One ticket to Japan, please," Mao replied. The flight attendant paused.

"Would that be first class?"

"No, I'd like bitch class, chop chop!" Mao snapped, punctuating her sentence with a smack to the face.

"Y-yes, ma'am!" The lady pretended to type in her order, but was really pressing a panic button on the underside of the desk. "Help me!" She whispered in a hidden radio. "Help! Code red, bitch alert! I repeat, _code red_!"

"I'm on my way," a burly security guard growled, loading his weapon. "It's GO time."

-Elsewhere in New York City-

Okamura trudged along the busy city streets swamped with people and traffic. After a few steps he paused, lifting his head and glancing around in wonder.

"Hmm, that's strange," he said aloud. "Mao's not here to yell or hit me. Why…are those birds chirping in the trees? Flowers blooming in the grass? The sun beaming down at me? Oh, what a beautiful day! _Tra-la-la-la-laaa_!" He sprang forward and began skipping the rest of the way down the street, singing as he went.

"That, honey," a mother told her curious child, "is a _homosexual_."

"Neat!" The child cried.

Okamura continued skipping merrily as he went on his way, finally reaching his apartment and pausing at the door to find his keys. Just as he was about to open it, his cell-phone rang in his pocket.

"…Hello?" He asked cautiously, flipping it on.

"Come pick me up at the airport!" Mao barked through the phone line. "Some _bleep_er shot me, but they weren't silver bullets so I'll be alright. Now hurry it up!"

"Alright, alright!" Okamura sighed, turning to leave the building. "Yeesh, sure is _someone's_ time of the month." Mao punched him _through_ the phone, and that's _impossible_! Okamura staggered to the exit and left the building. Several seconds afterward it (the building, not Okamura) blew up in a fiery explosion.

"…I think I just _crapped_ myself," Okamura whispered, staring back at the flaming wreckage that used to be his apartment. "Wait, who could of…oh…my…GOD! It's the aliens! They're after me again! I've gotta get outta here!" He quickly whipped out some tin-foil, wrapped it around his head, and dashed off down the street.

"That, honey," the same woman said to her child, "is a _crazy man_."

"Cool!" The kid beamed.

-Later-

Later that day, when Okamura and Mao had been reunited and joined forces to become…a crazy girlfriend and a skuzzy journalist, they both set out to find Saya's group and their hideout. Mao once again had her leash on, sniffing out Kai and dragging Okamura behind her. Suddenly she gave a loud sniff, paused, and turned to eye him.

"…Are you wearing J. Lo's Glo?" She asked suspiciously.

"No!" Okamura blurted, turning red. Mao continued to stare at him. "…Yes- just hurry and find the others!" Mao shrugged and obliged, following Kai's scent until they zeroed-in on a large apartment complex. Rushing up the stairs, she halted at a door and knocked rapidly on it until Kai himself yanked it open.

"Arf arf arf arf!!"

"_Auuuugh_!" Kai threw himself backwards in surprise.

"Oh. Sorry." Mao blushed. "Instinct." She and Okamura entered the small apartment to find David, Louis, and Kai were gathered around a table doing…nothing, really. Mao and Okamura sat themselves on a nearby couch and began.

"Our apartment was blown up!" Mao stated. All three men stared at her accusingly. "_What_?!"

"No, no, it wasn't her," Okamura informed them. "It was…" he looked around fearfully, then whispered, "…the _aliens_."

"_Suuuure_ it was," Louis consoled him, grinning nervously. "…Is there a gas leak in here, or did you shoot up before coming?"

"I'm _not_ crazy!" Okamura cried in outrage. David leaned over and patted his arm.

"I feel your pain, brother," he comforted, having also been mistaken as a crazy man some episodes back.

"More importantly," Mao growled, getting everyone back on topic, "what have you guys been up to?!" She glared at David, Louis, and Kai, who sat around the table in various stages of undress, as it was quite a scorcher that day.

"…Eatin', mostly," Louis admitted without shame.

"Not me!" David protested.

"We know that, dumbass!" Mao snapped, then squinted her eyes at his naked frame, as he was wearing naught but boxers in the heat. "Can't you cover that up? It's disgusting! I don't wanna see your _bulge_!"

"Oh, please," David snorted, "If I were Louis you wouldn't mind."

"But you're not," Mao stated. "See my point?" Apparently he didn't, as he made no move to cover him and his bulge up. "Gaaaawd, where's Saya? I need someone to vent with!"

"Does 'vent' mean…anything sexual in nature?" Kai asked hopefully. Okamura smacked the back of his head.

"No, it means pain and suffering," he explained, then shuddered. "Oh, God! The images are coming back! Save me, mommy!" He covered his face in his hands and began to sob.

"Okay, he's _gotta_ be high because I don't smell any gas-" Louis began.

"Saya's asleep right now," Kai told Mao. "She hasn't been feeling well lately."

"Oh, so that's it." Mao's eyes narrowed and she nodded. "She's having her monthly visit from Aunt Flo…"

Silence filled the room as everyone stared at her.

"…Dude, you _totally_ just said Saya's on the rag," Kai stated.

"Shut up, Kai!" Mao stood up, tossed her head at the others, and went to Saya's door, knocking until she heard Saya call "Come in!". She immediately kicked open the door and jumped into the room. "BOO!"

"Ieeee! Succubus! Die!" Haji leapt at her, drawing a dagger. Only a quick order from Saya stopped him from plunging it into Mao's heart…if she has one.

"Haji, no! Bad!" Saya snapped. Haji stopped and looked back at her.

"Yes, perhaps you're right. This wouldn't work." He dropped his knife and pulled out a wooden stake. "How about this?"

"No, Haji," Saya sighed. "Not that either."

"Yeah, maybe with a priest and some holy water-"

"Haji! Out! Now!" Saya pointed to the door. Haji dejectedly trudged out, dragging his heels, then poked his head back in.

"Promise you won't make out?"

"_Enough_!" Mao shoved his head out of the room and slammed the door shut before sitting next to Saya on the bed. "Alright, honey, time for some girl talk!"

Saya stared at her, blinking several times.

"_Hajiiiiii_!"

Back in the living room, the men crowded around Okamura and his computer as he explained several important things.

"This is why the aliens blew up my apartment," the journalist informed the others, holding up a small computer chip.

"…There porn on that?" Kai couldn't help but ask.

"No!" Okamura growled. Everyone stared. "Okay, there's a _little_ porn on it, but mostly…" he slipped the chip into the side of his computer and began loading info, everyone leaning forward expectantly. "…THIS."

"_Ooooogh_!" Everyone leapt back, exclamations of horror falling from their lips.

On Okamura's computer were several incriminating photos of Amshel on the can…_in the Chevalier bathroom_.

"Good job, Okamura!" David congratulated him, then paused. "You don't, um, you know…take pictures of me when I crap, right?"

"When DO you crap?" Okamura shot back. "All you eat is _air_."

"Oh, yeah. Right."

-Meanwhile…-

Elsewhere in the city at that moment, a certain Van Argeno was enjoying a relaxing bubble-bath…with Dr. Collins joining him, of course. The two sat in a tub filled to the brim with soapy bubbles, the Frenchman handing his partner in crime a glass of wine.

"Let's celebrate my being appointed Cinq Fleche's new CEO! Cheers!" He raised his wine glass, waiting.

"Thanks," Mr. Collins replied, clinking his glass against Van's. "I need to re-hydrate my withering body before it crumbles away into dust! Usually I devour children's souls, but this'll do nicely!" He took a sip of the booze and scowled. "Hmm…doesn't taste as good as the souls, though…a pity."

"Hee, hee," Mr. Argeno tittered, gloating in his success. "With Solomon gone, I'm the new top of the company, and you're top of the research division!" He paused, staring dreamily at the other man. "Wanna make out?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

I won't go into detail about what happened next. Heck, I'm getting shivers just _thinking_ about it. Anyway, as the two men…you know…Julia just happened to wander in and stopped, shocked and appalled by what she saw.

"_Heyyyy_, the stripper's here!" Mr. Argeno drawled, already more than a little tipsy from the wine. "Come on, take your top off, toots!"

"Let's see you shake them things, baby-cakes!" Mr. Collins joined in. Julia narrowed her eyes.

"Are either of you David?" She asked dangerously. The men thought for a moment.

"…No?"

"Then no." Julia pulled out a clipboard and paused. "I wanted you to confirm something for me, Dr. Collins, but I see that you're a bit…" she stared at him in the tub, "…_busy_. So, I'll be getting the hell out of here now." She turned to leave and walked right into Amshel, who was standing in the doorway looking quite miffed.

"Alright, who's having a bubble-bath party and _didn't_ invite me?" He growled, glaring daggers around the room.

"Boo-yah! Now this thing's a three-way!" Mr. Argeno cheered, pouring another glass of wine.

"Make room!" Amshel ordered, tugging off his jacket and pants and joining the other two in the bubble-bath. "Eee! Hot! Oh, and Julia," he said off-handedly, "I want you to be Diva's attending physician from here on, now gimme some of that wine!"

Julia sighed heavily and rubbed her brow, a migraine already brewing.

"Why the _hell_ did I ever leave David's group?" She asked herself quietly.

"_Heeeyyyy_!" Amshel slurred in the background, "a stripper! Mama-sita!"

-Back at the Apartment-

Meanwhile, back at the apartment in New York City, Mao presented Saya with a blackened plate of tar that was supposedly meant to be food she'd cooked. Saya stared at it, aghast, a bit scared that it might retain a heartbeat and also not knowing whether to eat it or try and communicate with it. She quickly decided on the 'eating it' part as Mao watched her intently, waiting.

"Oh! Er, uh…" Saya chipped off a black chunk and stuck it in her mouth, forcing her jaw muscles to chew with loud snaps and cracks. "It's good! Mmm! I-" she fought down the urge to gag for a moment, "Gurk! Gaah!" Pounding at her chest, she finally managed to swallow it down. "_Delicious_!" She whispered weakly, smiling at Mao. Mao, appeased by this, turned to retrieve something from her bag, and Saya took this time to quickly lean over the side of the bed and vomit up the abomination.

"Here, look! My dad sent me this!" Mao pulled out her phone and showed Saya a picture of a newborn baby. "Isn't she cute?"

"Oh. OH! Um…congratulations?" Saya told her nervously. Mao scowled.

"She's not mine!" Mao snapped, putting her phone away and crossing her arms. "_My_ baby is much cuter. You can come see her when we get back to Japan, alright? Ooh, and we can go shopping, too! You can carry my bags and tell me what looks good on me, and blah blah blah…"

Saya stared at Mao blather on and on and couldn't help but feel morbidly depressed.

"God I hope I die."

-Later-

Mao stood outside the door of Saya's room, gazing at her bitch-class ticket to Japan. She sighed, in mental turmoil, wondering what she should do when-

"What'cha doin?" Kai asked, standing directly behind her.

"GAH!" Mao hurriedly stuffed the ticket down the front of her shirt and whipped around to face him. "Nothing."

"I'd be more than happy to retrieve that," Kai stated, pointing at her chest, "IF you were Saya."

"Oh, you're a mother-_bleep_ing riot," Mao drawled, then pulled him over to the steps so they could sit together. Kai obeyed, because he didn't want to die. After several minutes of silence, Kai spoke.

"You on your period too or something?" He asked. "You're acting all weird, like you've actually got a _soul_ and all."

"Sh-shut up!" Mao blushed. "It's just that…everyone's working so hard, trying to help Saya, and I'm not really doing anything but yelling at them. …Kai, I feel like an idiot sometimes!"

"Yeah, I feel that way about you too sometimes," Kai agreed.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Oh. Well then," Kai tried to think of something nice to say. Somehow 'nice boobs' didn't seem to cut it. "Mao, stop worrying. You're just like me! …Only you've got a vagina and breasts and you're a whole lot _bitchier_-"

"If you're trying to cheer me up," Mao interrupted dangerously, "then I suggest you stop."

A long silence passed between the two.

"Can we…" Mao finally said quietly, "…sit like this for a while?"

"Can we hurry this up?" Kai shifted in his seat. "My ass is gettin' _numb_."

"Just forget it, you jerk!" Mao got up and stormed away down the stairs. Kai watched her go.

"Yuuuup. _Definitely_ her time of the month."

-Still Later-

Louis was sitting in a quant little restaurant, stuffing his face when a young, pretty woman entered the door, spotted him, and approached.

"Louis? Louis, my old pimp, it's me!"

"Huh?" Louis looked up and blinked in surprise before recognizing the hooker. "Hey, ho! How's business?" He slapped her on the ass for good measure. "So, what've you got for me?" He paused, glancing at his hand. "Otherwise crabs."

-Back at the Apartment-

Louis, after getting info from the ho, returned to the apartment-headquarters place to report his findings to the rest of the crew. The hooker had been kind enough to make a pie for them all, and it sat on the table as everyone ringed around to hear the news.

"So, what did your ho tell you?" David asked, leaning forward.

"Er…" Louis had the decency to look ashamed. "I was kinda focused on her tits at the time, so it all went in one ear and out the other." He looked across at the skinny man. "Don't you want some pie?"

"Thank you, I'd love some." David said sweetly, leaning over the pie. He then inhaled deeply and noisily for several long seconds, after which he leaned back in his chair. "Well I'm full."

"Can you really trust that ho of yours?" Kai asked, reaching for a piece. Louis suddenly unhinged his jaw and gobbled up the rest of the pie in a flourish. "Hey!"

"So sweet," the large man murmured, licking his lips.

"The pie?" Kai quirked an eyebrow.

"You're mother-_bleep_in' _right_, the pie!"

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere at the moment, Joel was enjoying a lovely day of watching his old-man friend play golf in his expansive backyard while he sat a nearby patio table.

"Why don't you play golf anymore?" Joel's elderly friend asked, walking over to the table with a golf club in hand. Joel frowned.

"Well, firstly," he explained, "my useless legs get in the way, and secondly, there is no secondly! My useless legs get in the way and that's it, General!"

"Don't call me that," General sighed, sitting down at the table across from his friend. "That was my nickname when we were wearing tights and a corset and kicking our heels up. Now," he looked at Joel seriously, "what can I do for you?"

"I heard that they're setting up special forces soon," Joel said, getting right to the point. General blinked.

"You've got sharp leg-"

"Oh, not this again!" Joel fumed, smacking the tabletop. "I am NOT having another verbal battle!"

"Alright, sorry, my bad," General amended. "Look, here's an opera ticket for an upcoming concert. Diva's coming to sing at a military base festival in North Carolina."

Joel stared down at the Diva concert advertisement and gasped aloud.

"What's wrong?" General asked with concern.

"…I sure hope you know how to change a diaper," Joel whispered after a moment, then glanced at his elderly friend. "Oh, who am I kidding? You must be an expert."

"Hey!"

-Back at Julia's lab-place-

Back at Julia's lab-place, the sexy scientist stared in horrified fascination at a small screen where babies in a womb could be seen. Inside an adjoining room, Diva sat next to an x-ray type- HOLD ON. This means…Diva's _pregnant_! Congratulations, you crazy psycho wench! On an off note, this is the exact moment when I realized that Diva had raped Riku and was now pregnant. Feel free to point and laugh at your leisure.

"Man, you're dense," Julia snorted.

Shut up, huge-tits! Get on with the story already!

"Oh, right." Julia's gaze went back to the screen and she gasped. "Diva's having _children_?" She stopped, looking thoughtful. "No wonder she kept bugging me for pickles and ice-cream…"

"Yes, we wondered how the Chiroptera Queens breed," Amshel muttered, sipping a glass of wine and standing next to Julia with a towel wrapped around his waist, some bubbles still trapped in his beard. "We experimented a bit, Diva mating with humans and chevalier, some of their descendents, and sometimes if a guy were _really_ cute, but it never resulted in childbirth."

"Oh…I…see…" Julia said uncomfortably, then leaned forward and hit the intercom button. "Diva, you're a whore."

"HEY!" Amshel hurriedly shoved her aside and hit the button again. "She didn't mean that, honey, go on being…autistic or whatever the hell is wrong with you right now." He leaned back, looking exultant. "Diva is pregnant and will give birth to two queens. They will make chevaliers, mate, and the cycle will begin again. Soon the world will be populated with chiropterans." He caught sight of Julia staring at him, that same expression of horrified fascination on her face. "Am I scaring you?"

"Um, no, I can see one of your balls."

"Oh. Sorry." Amshel quickly fixed his towel and went back to his speech. "…Where was I?"

"The part where you get the hell out of my lab now," Julia stated.

-Back at the Apartment-

Back at the apartment, a steaming kettle perched on the kitchen stove began to shriek, and Mao dashed in to retrieve it, burning herself in the process.

"Eek! Hot!" Mao yelped in pain and snatched her hand back.

"Hurry it up, wench!" The men called impatiently from the living room. "Bring the coffee already!"

"Shut up!" Mao hollered back. "You want this down your pants?!" She grumpily poured the steaming joe into cups and brought it into the other room, where the men sat around a table amidst an engaging argument over who was the hottest woman on earth.

"I think it's Carmen Electra!" Kai nominated. David scowled.

"No, she's a whore," he stated matter-of-factly. "Jessica Alba is much cuter, anyway."

"I disagree," Okamura put in. "While Jessica is quite hot, she still doesn't have that uber-sexy quality that Angelina Jolie has."

"And what about Beyonce?!" Louis interrupted. Everyone nodded.

"Yes, yes. She's hot too. But what about-"

"Beyonce?"

"Enough about Beyonce! We- oh, crap!"

All the men snapped their mouths shut as Mao entered, coffee steaming in cups for all of them. The conversation quickly switched gears to more important issues.

"Oh, er, uh…that Diva, performin' at the airbase! Important stuff!" David coughed loudly.

"Yeah, sure," Mao snorted, passing out the cups around the table. As she turned to leave, she glanced at them from over her shoulder. "And in my opinion, Beyonce's the hottest."

"_Told_ you!!" Louis crowed in triumph as Mao took one last cup of coffee and went to Saya's door. Just as she was about to barge in as usual, she heard voices, and immediately stopped and began droppin' some eaves.

"Saya, you have to face it. You're going to go to sleep soon, you might as well pick which pajamas you want to wear."

"No, Haji! I am _not_ wearing those! What is that, a butt-flap?"

"It's just in case you need to go!"

Mao had heard enough. She shoved open the door and stood there, glowering.

"What're you guys talking about?!"

Saya was a bit stubborn, but a few wet-willies and pinches later, she was spilling the beans to Mao about how she stayed awake for only a few years, then slept for thirty.

"Thirty-year sleep cycle?!" Mao gasped aloud. "Can't…can't you do something about it? You know, try and stay awake? How about…coffee? Lots and lots, like…hooked up to your veins?" Saya sadly shook her head. "Alright, then watch I Love New York!" Saya frowned.

"How will that help me?"

"Oh, believe me, sister," Mao leaned back, crossing her arms. "You _won't_ wanna sleep. Heck, I still check under my bed every night to make sure she ain't under there." Suddenly she froze, eyes narrowing and zooming in on Saya. "Wait a minute. If you're gonna go to sleep for thirty years…that means…you…_lied_ to me? You-!!" She leapt to her feet and lurched at Saya.

"Whee! Catfight!" Haji cheered, clapping his hands.

"-'re _awesome_!!" Mao finished, throwing her arms around Saya in a tight hug.

"…I think I like this better," Haji admitted quietly.

"I totally misjudged you!" Mao went on excitedly, still hugging Saya. "Lying to Kai and the others…you don't have a soul, just like me! Let's be friends!"

"Er…sure," Saya agreed, patting her back awkwardly, while inside she thought, "Oh God not another one!"

"I am _lovin'_ this," Haji thought to himself. "I wish I had my camera."

"Well, I gotta go." Mao gave her new friend one final squeeze and stepped away. "I don't care if you fall asleep! I'll still drag your unconscious body back to Japan so you can see my sister! …And my daughter, too," she added after a moment. "Later!" She skipped out of the room, leaving Saya and Haji alone. Striding to one of the nearby windows, Mao pulled out her plane ticket and deliberately ripped it apart, throwing the scraps out the window when she finished. Nodding in satisfaction, she turned and walked away.

Several seconds later she came dashing back to the window, nearly throwing herself out as she flung her hands about, desperately trying to catch the fluttering scraps of paper.

"Gaaah! What have I _done_?!"

-Episode 41 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, that was fun. I especially liked Amshel this episode, it was fun to mess around with his anal-serious personality. And his eyelashes, can't ever forget those! Anyway, I got another heads up for you all (urgh! Another one!). Next week my sister and I are gettin' ready to go back to school, but once again I'm still gonna try to do an episode because I _really_ wanna finish this series. Thanks for reading, review please!


	42. Episode 42: The Reverberant Song

Author's Note: Whoo, busy, busy, busy. I'm trying to do ten things at once – gotta get my crap packed up for school, gotta do a buncha chores at home, gotta read and go over a bunch of things, and on top of that I got a Blood Plus to do! Da-_yam_! Am I swamped or what? Well, I hope you enjoy this anyway, review please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 42

The Reverberant Song

In the dim light of evening, as the sun checked out of work and departed for home past the distant horizon, loud crashes and bangs could be heard from the mansion Diva and her chevalier now occupied. It appeared that the bratty Queen was being just that, a brat, and was throwing a bitch-fit, which usually entailed her wrecking her room. …Which she did.

"I want pickles and ice-cream!" Diva shrieked, picking up priceless vases and smashing them against the wall. "And macaroni and cheese! With ketchup! Right NOW!"

"Diva, please, calm down!" Amshel soothed from where he huddled in the corner of the room where it was relatively safe, Nathan by his side. "I know you're pregnant and craving things, but you don't have to go ballistic! Tell us, what do you truly wish for? We'll do anything!" Diva thought for a moment.

"Come to a Lamaze class with me," was her order to Amshel.

"Er, Diva, wouldn't Nathan be a more suitable candida-"

Diva held up Amshel's precious mascara case, about to dash it to the floor.

"I'd LOVE to learn about the miracle of child-birth!" Amshel gushed with false excitement, nervous sweat on his brow. Diva lowered the case and smiled evilly.

"Also," she went on, still not finished, "I want HIM." She pointed at a picture of Kai picking his nose with relish. Amshel frowned.

"You…you're sure about that?" He asked dubiously. "He's…kind of an idiot."

"Okay, then what about Haji?"

"Oh, he's not much better. He's what you'd call…a _pervert_."

"Just get me the idiot, alright?! Is that too much to ask?! No? Good! Great!" There was a pause. "NOW GET ME MY PICKLES AND ICE-CREAM!"

-At the North Carolina Air-Base-

At the North Carolina Air Base, preparations were being made from the grand concert taking place that night. A stage had been set up, with staff working on the lighting, and people milled around the area, eating and drinking as they waited. Some hookers dressed to impress handed out candy-bars to the public, calling out to them in tempting voices.

"Come and get it! Fresh and delicious!"

"Mo' like old n' fulla diseases," one man snorted, glancing at the hos. They immediately dropped the candy, pulled out switchblades, and went for him. "Eek!"

Elsewhere on site, Kai was busy glaring at a huge poster of Diva erected for the occasion. It brought him back to earlier that same day when they'd just arrived, and David had pulled him aside to give him a talkin'-to.

"Whaddaya mean I can't fight Diva?!" Kai had cried in rage, glaring at David. "Why not?! Whenever I see that skank's face…all I see is Riku! It's so damn annoying! …I wanna punch her in the _face_!"

"Listen, I feel the same way about you," David had comforted (?) him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "But you move on. You just bottle it up, and move on. Okay? Saya's the only one who can kill Diva, so leave it to her. Understand?" Kai slumped in defeat, but nodded. David stared at him for several long moments, then punched him in the face. "GOD that felt good!"

Kai, back in the present, touched the aching bruise on his face and continued glaring up at the huge poster of Diva, wondering if anyone in the crowd would happen to have a giant marker so he could mess it the eff up.

Also in the crowd were Mao and Okamura, the wonder-team, sitting on some chairs in front of the stage. Okamura snapped pictures here and there, while Mao went over an information-flyer about the concert's star – Diva.

"Whoa, who's _that_ cutie?" Okamura asked, leaning over and gazing at the flyer. He'd caught sight of Nathan's picture at the bottom of the page.

"….Okamura," Mao said slowly and quietly, "that's a man."

"Oh." Okamura blinked. "Excuse me." He quickly leaned to the other side and puked his guts out. He paused, took a breath, and puked some more. Finally he straightened up, looking pale and shaky.

"Better?" Mao asked.

"Lil' bit." Okamura answered weakly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You done with your pictures yet?" Mao pointed at his camera.

"Almost. Smile!" He held it up and snapped a photo of Mao, who smiled sweetly just in time. "There, done! I've taken pictures of all the hookers here at the concert!"

"Why you son of a-"

On the edge of the Air Base, a lone figure walked slowly around, staggering a little every now and then. It was Saya, and she was sleepy. Just as she stumbled and was about to fall, Haji magically appeared and caught her.

"Saya!" He said firmly. "You should drink some coffee! Here, we'll do it like we always do. I'll put it in my mouth and then transfer it to y-"

"Get off, momma-bird!" Saya growled, struggling free. "So what if I'm a little sleepy? Diva is here! I can't afford to- _hroooooooooonk_…"

Haji leapt forward and caught her as she fell again, lifting her up into his arms and quickly walking away. He located a long, wooden bench and gently placed her on it, staring down at her with a deep look in his eyes.

"Haji…" Saya murmured softly.

"Let's make love."

"_WHAT?!"_

"Er, I mean, please, rest on this uncomfortable wooden bench!" Haji quickly corrected.

"…Better," Saya muttered, then settled down to sleep. Haji took a seat beside her and tenderly stroked her hair. It didn't take long for the same passerby as before to ruin the moment.

"Get a room, you two!" Haji went after him with a dagger. "Eek! A _male_ hooker this time!"

Also on the premises, David leaned in the shadow of a building, talking in hushed tones to Louis over the phone. He was dressed 'in disguise', wearing sunglasses, a white shirt, and dark pants. …I think he looks like an airplane pilot or something. A _starving_ airplane pilot.

"No movement yet," David reported to Louis, glancing around. "We have to be careful, since this _is_ Diva we're dealing with. Now I really should get go-"

"Hey, man, do me a favor," Louis cut in before David could hang up. "Take a picture of yourself and send it to me. I need a good laugh."

"Oh, _ha, ha_," David drawled, rolling his eyes. "You're so fu- hey, I know those breasts!" He lowered the phone and gasped as Julia walked out of a nearby building. He gasped again as he sighted Dr. Collins sneaking after her, a gun in his hand. Uh-oh! "It's Collins!" He whispered.

There was a silence over the phone.

"…Collins has breasts?" Louis asked in confusion.

"I gotta go bye!" David hissed into the phone, then snapped it shut and hurried after the pair.

"No, wait!" Louis cried. "Explain! The images won't leave! _Gaaah_!"

-A Little While Later, In the Lab-

In Julia's science lab, the seductive scientist was just finishing a check-up with Diva and her babies. Amshel stood off to the side, watching like an eyelashed mother hen over his chick. Diva was just pulling on her shirt as Julia scooted over on her wheely-chair.

"Here's a lollipop for being such a good girl," Julia said, handing the girl a treat. Diva stared at her blankly.

"I'd rather have my sister's head," she stated bluntly.

"Well, beggars can't be choosers, sweetie," Julia replied, ruffling her hair before wheeling back to her desk and typing away at her computer. "Your babies are doing fine, by the way," she continued, unaware that David was listening in from an adjoining room. "It might still be a while before they're born, though."

"Diva," Amshel strode forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, "this is just the beginning! Soon your children will be born, and then…we will begin!" He noticed Julia staring at him with that same expression of horrified fascination as the last episode. "What…are my balls showing again?"

"No, you're just really creepin' me out this time," Julia admitted.

"Of…course," Amshel blinked, and after a short pause, looked down at Diva. "Alright, let's hurry and get to your Lamaze class or we'll be late for the concert!"

"Yay!" Diva clapped her hands with glee and danced out of the room, Amshel herding her out from behind. Julia sighed with relief as the door clicked shut and she was left alone.

"Oh, _finally_," she drawled, pulling out a cardboard-cut-out of David in his boxers from beneath her desk. "I get some alone-time with my man." She turned, pulling out a lighter, and being lighting some nearby scented candles to set the mood. After this was done, she dimmed the lights, put her lighter away, and leaned in close to the cut-out, lips puckered.

"Am I interrupting anything?"

"_Gaah_!" Julia immediately whipped her light back out and burned the evidence (in this case, the cardboard-cut-out) before whirling around on her chair to face the smug-looking Dr. Collins. "Do you…want something from me?" She asked uncomfortably.

"I _did_," Collins admitted, "but not anymore." He crossed the room and took a seat on a nearby hospital bed. "Julia, tell me…what is the duty of a scientist?"

"To be sexy?" Julia answered, posing and winking at the camera. The camera blushed modestly.

"NO," Dr. Collins corrected with a growl, "it's to ascertain the truth. But the truth is only the truth that's recognized by the masses. True is true is…" he trailed off and sat silently for a moment. "What were we talking about again?"

"Okay, '_Zheimers_," Julia snapped impatiently, "time for you to get outta here!"

-Later, Outside…-

Meanwhile, outside the lab, the crowd of spectators continued milling about, the hookers continuing to pass out candy bars as sinister music played. Wait a minute. Candy bars…sinister music. It can't be…EVIL CHOCOLATE BARS?! What sick shit thought up that diabolical scheme? Have they no SOUL?! …Sorry, I just _really_ like chocolate bars.

Anyway, the time of the concert was coming closer and closer, the sun beginning to sink toward the horizon and lights beginning to turn on. A few people had begun crowding around the stage, eagerly awaiting the show to begin.

Back behind the stage, Diva sat in her trailer (what is she, a movie star?), Nathan sitting her before a mirror and working on her hair while she chatted.

"…and then he started _crying_ and going on about how he wished _he_ was a woman so he could feel what it was like to have a life growing inside of him," Diva finished, snorting with laughter.

"Oh, he _didn't_!" Nathan threw back his head and joined in. "Oh, that Amshel! Tell him he's already halfway there with those eyelashes of his!" Finally calming down, the gay man focused on Diva's hair. "Hmm. You'd look so cute with a bob! And how about some highlights?"

"By the way," Diva said off-handedly, "Kai is here."

"Huh?! How can you tell?" Nathan blinked in surprise.

"I can smell his stupid."

"Now that you mention it…so can I. Pee-YUU!" Nathan pinched his nose closed and gagged.

Far away from the evil Diva and her man-slaves, Van Argeno stood on a cliff overlooking the concert grounds from above, his assistant and several Corpse Corps soldiers standing at some helicopters not far away. Smiling evilly and taking out one of his coveted crack-candies, the diabolical Frenchman's eyes gleamed as he waited for the show to start.

"It's showtime!" He cried aloud. Everyone on-site stared at him quietly. "Sorry, I…I just always wanted to say that."

Down below, on the concert grounds, Kai leaned up against a metal structure, belched, and scratched his ass. He was bored. David wasn't there to fight with, Haji wasn't there to insult, and Saya wasn't there to ogle. What was an idiot to do? He barely blinked as a tall, dark-haired man with a beard and funny eyelashes suddenly stepped out of the shadows and approached him.

"Hello," the man said sweetly, "would you like to come back to Diva's trailer?"

"Hah! You think I'm stupid?" Kai snorted and rolled his eyes. "My daddy taught me never to trust strangers, so get lost, pops!"

"…We have candy."

"I am SO THERE!" Kai grabbed the man's hand and skipped around happily. "What kind of candy? Do you have…wait! You…you're a chevalier, aren't you?! Amshel?!" He gasped in fright and tried to pull away but the chevalier's grip was like iron. "Ow! Okay, man! You win! Mercy! _Mercy_!"

"This is the second time we've met since Siberia," Amshel said casually.

"Yes, I believe you had a _vagina_ then," Kai spat at him. Amshel's face suddenly crumpled, his eyes glistening and lower lip trembling before bursting into tears. Kai stared in surprise, not sure how to react. "Uh…hey, man…I was just joking, you know? You don't have to- oh, alright, alright! I'll go with you to the trailer! Just stop crying!!"

-A Few Minutes Later-

Kai sat in Diva's trailer, sitting not five feet across from the psychopathic wench. The two stared at the floor, shuffling their feet as an awkward silence filled the vehicle. Finally Kai coughed, cleared his throat, and attempted a start at an intelligent conversation.

"So…you…rape and kill anyone lately?"

…Like I said, _attempted_.

"Wow. Amshel was right, you _are_ an idiot," Diva sighed, then smiled and looked up at said idiot. "Anyway, guess what? I'm pregnant!"

"Oh, uh…congratulations?" Kai clapped his hands timidly in applause.

"They're Riku's."

"Horray, I'm an uncle!" Kai leapt to his feet and threw his arms up in jubilation before realizing what that meant. "Hey, wait, now that's just SICK!"

_Bang_!

The door to the trailer banged open, and Nathan flounced in, all smiles and rainbows.

"Yoo-hoo! Diva!" He trilled. "It's stage time! Let's go, honey!"

"WHOA!" Kai stared at him in awe, jaw nearly hitting the floor. "He is _super-humanly _gay!!"

"Why, thank you!" Nathan blushed and fluttered his eyelashes at him.

"…That _wasn't_ a compliment," Kai stated. Diva interrupted, smiling up at Kai innocently.

"I'll be singing for you tonight!" She told him sweetly. Kai frowned.

"Hey, I don't want your shout-out!" He snapped. "I ain't your homey, G! Word up!" Nathan stared at him, wide-eyed.

"My GOD you sound like James," he whispered. "…Would you make out with me?" Kai chose to use a move taken directly from Saya's book.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!!"

-A Little While Later-

It was finally time for the concert!! As night fell, lights lit up the stage and people gathered around, watching impatiently as Diva slowly walked up to the lone microphone and cleared her throat, about to begin. Just as she opened her mouth, however, there were a few disturbances from the rowdy crowd.

"Take your top off!"

"Sing 'The Muffin Man'!"

"Make some shadow-puppets!"

"QUIET!!" Diva hollered into the mic. The audience wisely obeyed. "…_Thank_ you." Clearing her throat again, Diva took a deep breath, and the concert began. Diva's lovely voice rolled throughout the area, the audience standing and listening in awe, Kai and Diva's two chevaliers watching from the side of the stage behind the curtains. Van Argeno and his troops took to the skies in the helicopters, beginning to close in on the concert grounds. As the song continued, Dr. Collins, still in the lab with Julia, suddenly whipped out his gun and aimed it at her.

"You stay away from my Vanny-kins!" He shrieked insanely. Julia gasped and covered her chest with her arms (or at least she tried to).

"No, not the ladies!" She begged. "They never hurt anyone! _Never_!"

Diva's song slowly began winding down, until finally she finished and bowed to the audience as waves of applause sounded all around. She turned and sauntered off the stage, approaching Kai where he stood with the chevaliers near her trailer.

"What did you think of my song?" Diva asked smugly.

"It was sooo…_beautiful_…" Kai sobbed, tears running down his face before he could stop himself. "I mean…I've had better-sounding _farts_ crawl outta my _ass_!"

"Kai, become my chevalier!" Diva whispered, leaning in close to him.

"NO." Kai shook his head firmly, unmovable in his decision.

"You can have children with Saya."

Kai blinked and stood still, thinking this over.

"Do you have a good dental plan- er, I mean, NO! Die!" He whipped his gun out and leveled it at Diva's chest.

"Go ahead and shoot!" Diva goaded him. "Come on! Pull the trigger and-"

BLAM!

"…Ow! You shot me!" Diva stared at him in disbelief, blood leaking from a bullet hole in her chest.

"You told me to!" Kai protested, hiding the smoking gun behind his back.

"I didn't actually _mean_ it, you dumbass!" Diva barked, turning to Amshel. "Oww! Amshel, he shot me!"

"Well, you _did_ kind of tell him to-"

"YOU SUCK!!"

-In the Lab-

BLAM!

"…Ow! You shot me!" David gasped in pain, standing before Julia to shield her from Collins's attack. The elderly doctor stared in shock as David fell to his knees, bleeding from the chest. Dr. Collins suddenly gasped, looked at his watch, and paled.

"Oh, no! I'm late for Van's foot-massage! Gotta go!" He dropped the gun and sprinted out of the lab, leaving Julia and David by themselves.

"David! Are you alright?" Julia ran to David and knelt beside him, eyes widening in horror at the blood.

"Don't worry," David tried to console her, "I'm alright. It looks worse than it really is. The bullet hit mostly bone, so-"

And then he fainted.

"Oh GOD David!" Julia fought back tears. "David! Talk to me! Tell me you're alright! Quick! How many breasts do I have?!"

"…Three?" David said weakly, cracking an eye open.

"Oh, I _wish_- er, I mean, I'll go get help! Hold on!" She leapt to her feet and shot away, high-heels clicking. "Don't go dieing on me! I still need to _bleep_ you! Hello, anyone? We need a doctor!"

"But aren't…_you_ one?" David asked in a small voice as the door slammed shut.

-Back with Kai-

Diva glared at Kai, stilled miffed about the whole 'getting shot in the chest' thing. Come on, girl, get over it! Anyway, she advanced on the foolish boy, evil intent blazing in her eyes.

"Forget the chevalier part!" She snarled. "I'm just gonna eat you!" Here she paused, as if waiting for something. Nothing happened. Diva cleared her throat and tried again. "I SAID I'm gonna EAT you!" Still nothing. "Dammit, Saya! Get your ass out here and save your half-brother or whatever the hell he is!"

"…Do I _have_ to?" Saya's voice called from somewhere nearby.

"YES!!" Everyone hollered.

A deep, long sigh could be heard, then finally Saya appeared from the shadows, sword in hand.

"Hey…I'm here," she said lamely. Everyone stared at her. "What do you WANT from me?! You should be happy that I came! Sheesh!"

"Amshel, get her," Diva ordered. Amshel nodded and stepped forward.

"Hey!" Saya scowled. "I'm here to fight Diva, not one of her bitches! Outta the way, Lashes!"

"I'll believe you'll find me more than a match for you," Amshel said with a wicked grin. Saya rolled her eyes.

"Oh, please. What can you d-"

"_Gooooo to sleeeeep, soooooft and sweeet_," Amshel began to croon, making Saya's eyelids suddenly feel ten times heavier.

"Gah! You bastard! Stop it!" Saya fought to stay awake. She was losing.

"Saya!" Haji burst into view some distance away and started to run toward the small congregation. Nathan immediately stepped into his path and threw his arms wide, smiling sparklingly (yes, apparently that's a word).

"Hey, handsome!"

Haji stopped in his tracks, thought a moment, then turned right around and began to flee in the opposite direction.

"Haji, get over here!" Saya hollered, barely conscious.

"…Do I _have_ to?" Haji asked.

"YES!!"

Outside, the spectators of the concert were having problems of their own. Several people weren't feeling to well, with painful tummy-aches causing them a great amount of distress. One chubby boy was worrying his friends with his groans of pain.

"Hey, you okay?" One boy asked.

"You need some Pepto?" Another boy inquired, poking their chubby friend. Suddenly the kid roared, transformed into a chiropteran, and roared again. His friends stared at him in awe.

"Wow, he needs some Pepto MAX!" One boy declared. "How does that song go? Nausea! Heartburn! Indigestion! Upset sto- _blaaargh_!" The chiro-kid lunged forward and ripped off the singing boy's head.

"Hey man, NOT cool." One of the surviving friends said firmly. "Just because you have indigestion does NOT mean you can rip people's heads off!"

The chubby kid wasn't the only one who'd transformed. About a dozen others had also, no doubt due to eating the poisoned candy bars (sick bastards!) and then being awakened by Diva's singing. What an insidious plan! Anyway, as the newly-transformed chiropterans began attacking the audience, Corpse Corps soldiers finally arrived, jumping down from the helicopters seen earlier and easily dispatching their prey. Mr. Argeno stood perched in a helicopter of his own, recording the fight on his hand-held camera.

"Oh, I am SO putting this up on my Myspace!" He giggled to himself. His assistant gave him a look.

"…And the Pentagon?" He prompted.

"Oh, yeah. That too." Mr. Argeno corrected with a blush.

Back behind the stage, the fight between good and evil was still raging. Amshel had succeeded in singing Saya completely to sleep, and stepped toward her unconscious body, ready to dispatch her. Just as his hand struck down, a quite-familiar black blur zoomed past him, scooping up Saya in it's grasp and whisking her away to safety.

"Hey, y'all," Solomon said, grinning as he held Saya tightly in his arms. "You forgot to invite me."

"Ah-HA! I knew it!" Amshel cried, jabbing a finger at his brother. "You DID change your suit color to be symbolic-"

"Brother, we've been OVER this," Solomon corrected. "My ass looks better in black, and that's it. See?" He turned and flexed his glutious maximus (a.k.a. butt muscles) to prove it. As everyone gagged at the sight, the pretty-boy chevalier leapt into the night sky, Saya clutched on his back legs as he transformed into his chiropteran form and began flying away. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some sweet lovin' to do. Tootles!"

"No! Come back!" Haji gasped in horror.

"You bastard!" Kai joined in. Both of them made a run for the departing chevalier, but bumped into one another and fell down.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?! _I'm_ going to save Saya!" Haji snarled, climbing back to his feet.

"Hell no! I am!" Kai shot back, also standing. "Go wash your hair or something, you goth-wannabe!"

"What?! How dare you! You should go study Hooked on Phonics, idiot!"

"Oh yeah?! Well you should…you should…look, just gimme a minute to come up with a really good comeback, alright? I'll think of something-"

"You? Think of something? That's a laugh!"

The duo went from lame insults to squealing and slapping as Diva and her two chevaliers slowly slunk away, so as not to catch their stupid.

…Is anyone gonna go rescue Saya, or…what?

-Episode 42 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Whew, done. I get to go back to school next week, and you can guess how thrilled I am about that. _Blech_. It shouldn't interfere with my last few episodes, though, as I'm pretty sure I'll be able to finish it up before midterms or whatnot roll by. Hope you enjoyed the episode, later! Review, please! Oh, and one last thing. HOLY EFFING CRAP I HIT SIX HUNDRED REVIEWS! MY GOAL HAS BEEN REACHED! THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR REVIEWING! WHOOOOO! Um…Sorry.


	43. Episode 43: Hearts in Disarray

Author's Note: Well, I'm back at school, and so far, it stinks. Damn school! Damn education! Anyway I was still able to find time to work on this, so here ya go. Besides this episode being filled with romance (Ewwww! …Okay, what am I, five?), I still had a lot of fun with it, so enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 43

Hearts in Disarray

Saya slowly opened her eyes. She was lying in a strange bed in a dark, equally strange room in the middle of the city, and she was-

_Naked_?! What the _bleep_?!

Saya sat bolt upright, clutching the sheets to her in fright. She scowled. Now she could see the bed she rested on was bright red with satin sheets, shaped like a heart, and for some strange reason there was a mirror on the ceiling.

"…I have a feeling this is gonna be a great episode," Saya muttered to herself. "What the hell did I do last night?!" She paused thoughtfully. "Sure hope no-one filmed it." The chiropteran queen rose to her feet, and with the sheets still around her, wandered over to the room's window, where she found two-inch thick metal bars blocking her exit. "…This just keeps gettin' better and better," Saya sighed, feeling hopeless.

"Good evening." The lights in the room suddenly snapped on, and Solomon appeared in the doorway.

"And _there's_ the icing on the cake," Saya finished, giving him a dangerous look. Solomon just smiled back.

"Oh, you're awake," he said sweetly. "I was worried about you being injured, but it seems you're alright."

"If I'm fine," Saya argued back, "then…why did you undress me?" Solomon thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"Meh," was his answer. "You were unconscious, so-"

"_That's_ called molestation, buddy!" Saya snapped. Solomon held up his hands in apology.

"Anyway, here. I've prepared some clothes for you." He held up a lovely white wedding dress, complete with veil and long train (is that what it's called? The long back part of the dress, anyway).

"What the _fu_-"

-Elsewhere in the City-

Haji leapt from building to building, still searching desperately for Saya and her devious kidnapper.

"Oh, Saya!" He whispered to himself and he looked to and fro, "_please_ don't waste your innocent purity on that horny bastard!" He paused for a moment. "And if you _do_, please let me at least be in time to watch!"

He swiveled on his heel, leapt up, and smashed into an overhanging sign.

-At the Hospital-

Meanwhile, at a hospital (in North Carolina, I'm pretty sure), David was being rushed in on a stretcher to the emergency room, several doctors surrounding him and attempting to treat the injured man.

"My GOD!" One doctor whispered in horror. "You poor man! Don't worry, we'll treat you!" He grabbed hold of a nearby nurse and shook her. "Get some food, _stat_! Can't you see this man is _starving_ to death?!"

"No…not starving…_shot_!" David whispered weakly from the stretcher. "Look at your chart! The _chart_!"

The doctor glanced at the chart and scowled.

"…I still say he's starving."

"Will you just treat him already?!" Julia snapped, appearing before the doctor. He nodded and tried not to stare directly at her breasts – they were not unlike the intensity of the sun.

"Don't worry, ma'am," the doctor consoled her. "We'll do the best we can to save him. Although, we _can't_ promise he'll make it…"

"WHAT?!" Julia gasped. "Then…" Pushing past the doctor, she climbed atop the stretcher and crouched, poised over David's body on all fours. She glanced at the medicine men (and women!). "Can you gimme, like, five minutes with him?"

"Hello?! _Dieing_ here!" David summoned up the last of his strength and used it to shove Julia off of him so the doctors could wheel him away. As he was disappearing behind the operating room doors, he called back, "Julia, I like you boobies!"

Tears came to Julia's eyes as she picked herself up off the floor. Poor David! He'd better make it! If only she had someone there with her, to comfort and talk to her! Anyone would do, anyone at all!

"I see titties at three o' clock!" Kai called, running down the hall toward her.

Aww, horseballs.

"Hey, babe! What's up?" The idiotic young man asked as he reached her side. "Besides your boyfriend bein' shot and all."

"Don't worry, Julia," Louis panted as he joined Kai, winded from the long run. "He's David, the man who can't die!" He blinked. "Or eat." Finally catching his breath, he straightened. "Also, bad news. Saya's been kidnapped by a chevalier."

"Other than Haji?" Julia asked wryly.

"Yep. And you know what _that_ means." Apparently they didn't, so Louis was forced to explain it to them in terms they could understand. "…Bow chicka bow BOW."

"HEY!" Kai swung his fist at Louis, but it ricocheted off his ample gut, came back, and punched himself in the face. Kai stood there for several seconds, staring at Louis. "What the hell was _that_ for?!"

"You did it to yourself!" Louis snapped back.

"Well then I _totally_ meant for that to happen," Kai corrected, rubbing the bruise.

"It worked very well," Louis commented dryly, rolling his eyes.

"Look, I'm heading back to New York," Kai told the pair seriously. "You guys stay here. Tell David I love hi- er, I mean, take care of him. …Bye!" He whirled around and ran off down the hall, a blush staining his cheeks.

"What the heck was that about?" Louis wondered aloud. Behind him, Julia's eyes narrowed and she took out a small pad of paper, jotting a note down.

"…Watch out for Kai."

-Back on the Concert Grounds-

Back on the concert grounds, where Diva had sung not hours before, all that was left was wreckage and devastation. A small group of soldiers surveyed the damage, fear and awe apparent on their faces. One particularly stupid soldier spoke up.

"Wowie!" He gushed. "Who threw a bachelorette party here?!" A superior officer quickly pistol-whipped him into submission.

In a small building nearby, with windows overlooking the ruined concert grounds and a group of waiting Corpse Corps soldiers, Amshel stood with an important-looking man, deep in conversation.

"Awesome, aren't they?" Amshel smiled charmingly, gesturing at the inhuman soldiers. "They're good for birthday parties, anniversaries, and great with kids! Act now and there's a buy two, get one free special! Limited time only, while supplies last!" He ended this with a sparkling smile that went _ding_!

"Hmm…" the important-looking man gazed at the Corpse Corps with obvious interest. "Can they…tap-dance?"

"Oh Lord not this again," Amshel groaned, rubbing his aching temples.

"I'm just saying-"

"Yes! Yes, they can tap-dance!" Amshel exploded. He turned, punched a button, and immediately Riverdance music began to play, the Corpse Corps soldiers taking this as their cue to begin tap-dancing feverishly. "See?! Happy?!"

"SOLD!" The important-looking man cried, throwing his arms up in the air. Amshel resisted the urge to strangle the man as the music outside changed to a ho-down.

-Back With Saya-

Saya was still trapped in Solomon's apartment. There was no exit except for the windows, and those were barred, leaving Saya with no choice but to don the embarrassing wedding dress and creep out of the bedroom. She was greeted with the sight of Solomon, lounging on his sofa in nothing but a pair of red underwear.

"Evening, lover." He smiled.

"…I'm not coming out until you cover up," Saya stated matter-of-factly.

"Aw! You're shy! How cute." Solomon obliged, pulling on a red satin bathrobe and watching as Saya slunk into the room, the ungainly wedding dress rustling as she moved. "You look great!"

"Shut it," Saya snapped, in no mood for this. "I'm only wearing this dress because otherwise I'd be forced to walk around naked."

"R…really?" Solomon blinked. "_Damn_!" He, like Julia, pulled out a pad of paper and wrote a note on it. "…Wedding dress…NO." He put it away, then looked up at his captive. "…Where were we?"

"The part where you show me the door," Saya growled, more than ready to leave.

Solomon suddenly walked toward her, a strange look in his eyes, and she squeaked in surprise and retreated.

"Whaddaya want? Go away!" She cried in fright.

"I have only you now," Solomon said softly, with a hint of sadness.

"…Only me?" Saya asked, blinking.

"I'm no longer Diva's chevalier," he went on. "I've given it all up."

"…Given it all up?" Saya repeated again, confused. Solomon paused.

"I will sleep with you."

"…I will sleep with- HEY!" Saya flushed. "Nice try, pal! Why'd you do it? Why'd you give that all up?!"

"So that we can live together forever," Solomon answered, "just the two of us." He shrugged. "And the million babies we'll have."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Please, come with me." Solomon extended his hand toward her.

"_Eep_!" Saya jumped, then dashed past him and ran out onto the balcony. "S-stay away from me!"

"How can you not take my hand?" Solomon asked, following her out. Saya scowled.

"Heck, I don't know where that's _been_!" She cried, still backing away. "When's the last time you _washed_ it?"

"Hmm…good point." Solomon gave his hand a wry look, then scratched his ass with it. "Anyway…look, Oreos!" Saya gave a gasp of delight as he drew out a pack of the delicious cookies. As she hopped forward to make a grab at them, Solomon suddenly kneeled before her, like a knight from the middle ages. "Please, Saya, be my bri-"

_Crack_!

"Ow! You didn't even let me finish!" Solomon sniffled, nursing his bleeding forehead.

"Oh, I don't have to," Saya shot back. "I already _know_ it's stupid. And who you think you're fooling? Haji's pulled that move a million times! Trying to see up my skirt!"

"…But you're wearing a dress!"

"Oh. Right." Saya glanced down at the floor-length white dress. "Well…I'm still not sorry."

-Back at the New York Headquarters-

Finally back in New York, Kai sighed heavily as he entered their crappy apartment, which doubled as their headquarters. Flopping onto the couch, he sighed again, feeling a little depressed.

"Man, I wish _I_ had a girl," he lamented, thinking of Saya and Haji, Julia and David.

"Pee-_yoo_!" Mao sang, kicking open the bathroom door and waltzing out, spraying a bottle of Febreeze after her. "Do NOT go in there!" She slammed the door shut, then finally noticed that Kai was there. "…Hey Kai, wanna go into the bathroom?"

"I take it back, Lord!" Kai cried, getting down on his knees. "I take it BACK!"

"What's with you?" Mao asked, rolling her eyes.

"Nothing," Kai growled, sitting back on the couch. "God hates me is all."

"Hmm…" Mao, a glint in her eye, slowly sauntered over to Kai and kissed him before he could protest. She immediately jerked back, spitting and sputtering. "Eww! You call that a _kiss_? Okamura is _sooo_ much better! That's it! We're done!" She walked away in disgust, leaving Kai sitting there on the couch like a goober.

"…Did I just score?"

-Back in the City-

Haji continued his frantic search for Saya, leaping up onto a skyscraper and narrowing his eyes.

"Hmmmn…Saya senses…_tingling_!" He swiveled his pelvis to the left. "She's _that_ way!"

"That's perverted!" A homeless man complained. Haji glared down at him.

"Well it's _workin'_, ain't it?!"

Back with Saya and Solomon, the horny chevalier had finally gotten his message across to the confused chiropteran queen.

"B-_bride_?!" Saya gazed at him in shock, jaw nearly hitting the floor. Solomon gently closed it for her and began the longest and gayest monologue is all of anime… _ever_.

"Did you know," he began, voice soft and alluring, "that the land can glow like a rainbow? That the ocean can be tinted with red? Do you know…that there are so many beautiful things in this world that you have yet to see? Come with me…to the Gumdrop Forest and Candy-Cane Mountain where we can live together forever with the peaceful _powder_ pixies!"

"Okay, if you don't SHUT UP," Saya ground out dangerously, "I'll jump!" She hopped up onto the balcony railing and glared scathingly down at her admirer.

"You…_do_ know this gives me a better chance to get a look at your skivvies?" Solomon asked after a moment.

"That's a chance I'm willing to take," Saya replied. "And what the hell IS this crap, one of those fifty-cent romance novels?!"

"NO," Solomon said firmly, hiding the fifty-cent romance novel with Favio on the cover behind his back. Quickly thinking up another plan of action, he tried again. "Come now, travel the world with me!"

"And…do what?" Saya raised an eyebrow.

"Er, um…eat…stuff?" Solomon finished slowly.

"Hot DAMN that sounds like fun!" Saya clapped her hands with delight. "No…wait! I mustn't give in! You're Diva's chevalier! Aren't you my enemy?"

"But before that," Solomon answered smoothly, "I am the one man that loves you."

"Um, actually, you're more like the _third_," Saya admitted with a cough. "Not to mention the _hundred_ or so girls before you." Solomon stared at her, blinking rapidly.

"Explain the girl's part, please." He implored, taking out some paper for notes.

"_Pervert_!" Saya slapped him. I guess he thought this was a good thing as he grabbed her and hugged her tightly.

"I've chosen you over Diva!" He whispered in her ear. "I will protect you, and grant any of your wishes! I'm like a genie in the bottle! Just tell me your wish, and I'll make it come true!"

"My wish…" Saya whimpered softly, "my wish is…for you to step OFF and get your hand offa my ASS!" She shoved Solomon away and glared daggers at him. He shrugged.

"Hey, I'm sorry. We were really close and I couldn't resist."

-Elsewhere…-

Elsewhere at the moment, more specifically at the mansion procured by Diva and her bitches- er, I mean, chevalier, Nathan was sitting in the den, watching the recorded concert that'd taken place in North Carolina not long ago. He frowned and studied it intently, pausing in some places to scribble down notes and write critiques.

"Okay, she had good movement here," he was muttering to himself, "but right here? Those arms? What the hell was that? Don't do it again." He paused and tapped his foot in thought. "Maybe she should try to come around _this_ way and-"

"Who are you, John Madden?" A deep voice snorted from behind. Nathan glanced over his shoulder to find Amshel giving him a dirty look. The gay man shrugged and changed the subject.

"Amshel, what you want from Diva are her children, right?" He eyed the large man. "What for?"

"For child support checks, DUH," Amshel snorted again, pointing up at his lovely eyelashes. "Do you have _any_ idea how much these babies cost?" He waited a moment. "_More_ than the house."

"So that's where all our budget is going…" Nathan murmured. "Anyway, all _I_ want is Diva. It's my dream to see her, up on the stage, under the lights…with CHER! Just imagine a duet between the two! _Eeeeee_!"

His girly squeal hit painful proportions and cracked the glass of Amshel's wine bottle, causing the alcoholic beverage to leak out onto the floor.

"Aww, hey! Not cool!" Amshel grumbled, struggling down to his knees so he could slurp the wine up off the floor. "Nice going, homo!"

"GET OUT!" Nathan whipped a pillow at him.

-Back at the Hospital-

Julia and Louis were still at the hospital, awaiting news of David's condition. Julia sat hunched over on a bench while Louis leaned against the nearby wall, waiting. Julia could barely contain her excitement and giggled every now and then. Louis raised a brow at her and couldn't help but ask.

"What's with you?"

"David said…" Julia tittered, "he said…'I like your boobies'!" She burst into another fit of happy giggles.

"…Hey, I like your boobies, too."

"Back off, Sexual Chocolate! Vanilla is my favorite flavor!" Julia snapped. Louis held up his hands in defeat.

"Alright, alright. I gotcha, El Caliente Seniorita."

-_Aaaaaand_ Back With Saya-

Saya and Solomon were still on the balcony of his apartment, having a standoff. Saya glared at Solomon while he simply winked and flashed 'call me' signs. Finally she spoke.

"Look," Saya blurted out, "can't you at least help me KILL Diva? I'll work with you then! I-"

"Oh, you're suddenly sleepy!" Solomon cried, jumping forward and attempting to throw his arms around the girl. "So sleepy! I must grope you!"

"Get away from me!" Saya hit him back and glared. "I'm fine! I told you, Haji's already tried this crap with me, like, a hundred friggin' times already, so stop!"

"Your long sleep, or hibernation time is coming near," Solomon commented. He suddenly poked her in the gut with a finger. "You been fattenin' up for the long winter ahead or what?"

"STOP THAT!" Saya squeaked, smacking his hands away while blushing furiously. "Will you help me or NOT?!"

"Yes, I will," Solomon readily agreed. "If you promise to give me a lil' sugar afterwards."

"Hey! That's MY line!" A voice interrupted.

"Oh God." Saya hid her face in her hands.

"You!" Solomon hissed with hatred.

Haji stood not twenty feet away, glaring down at the couple from a nearby rooftop.

"Haji," Saya said firmly, "this _isn't_ what it looks like."

"Yes it is! Yes it is!" Solomon cried vehemently, tugging Saya closer to him.

"Knock it off!" Haji growled dangerously. "Get away from her, she's mine! I've _clearly_ marked her as _my_ territory."

"You have?" Solomon sniffed experimentally at Saya. "Ew, you have! …Well we'll just see about that!" He began struggling with the zipper of his pants.

"NO!" Saya kicked him away and gave Haji a meaningful look. "You're gonna get it later for peeing on me, Haji!" She promised.

"I'd rather not fight," Solomon said in peaceful tones. "Saya will soon be my-"

_POW_!

"Owch! No fair, you have to wait until I finish!" Solomon sobbed, holding his bleeding face. Haji gave a loud guffaw.

"Bring it on, girly man!" He snarled, drawing his tiny daggers.

"Look who's talking!" Solomon shot back, hand transforming into a sword-like weapon. "You're girlier than me!"

"What?! How dare you! I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Bitch!"

"Slut!"

The two grown men began a slapfest, complete with much squealing and hair-pulling. Saya watched from a distance.

"…They're _both_ girly…"

Ignoring her insult, Haji leapt upward, as did Solomon, and the two chevalier began a dance of death along the rooftops of the city. Saya watched from afar, feeling guilty for this whole mess.

"Haji's fighting for me," she whimpered. "This is all my fault! Dammit, why am I so _sexy_?!"

As the two chevalier continued their fight atop the roofs, a small child happened to glance out the window and spot them.

"Mooom, there's two girly men fighting outside on the rooftops."

"You still have to do your homework, honey," the disinterested mother replied.

"Aww, mom!"

_Shunk_!

As the battle between chevalier raged on, Solomon finally got a hit in, successfully running Haji through with his sharpened hand-blade thing. Haji stared at the arm sticking out of his chest and sighed.

"Well _that_ was totally unnecessary," he stated blankly. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Oh, of course," Solomon politely replied, waiting patiently while Haji drew out his tally record of being run through and added another mark.

"_Seven_," Haji said, then flipped the notebook closed and put it away. "Alright, please continue."

"Will do!" Solomon readily agreed, jamming his weapon deeper into Haji's vulnerable and squishy guts.

"_Owwww_!" Haji howled in pain. "Get offa me, you whore!"

"_You're_ a whore!" Solomon shot back. "You're such a whore that you'd win the grand prize for biggest crab count on 'Deadliest Catch'!"

"Oh yeah?!" Haji growled. "Well _you're_ such a whore you make New York from Flavor of Love look like Mother effin' Teresa!"

Solomon gasped aloud, tears filling his eyes as well as hurt.

"Take…that…BACK!" He whispered fiercely. Haji tossed his head.

"No!"

"That's it! You bastard!" In a flash, Solomon had transformed into his chiro-form and grabbed hold of Haji, launching up into the night sky and bringing him hundreds of feet into the air. Once he reached a particularly fatal-seeming height, he stopped, hovering.

"Um, excuse me," Haji politely interrupted, "but…why're you doing this again?"

"Aren't…you afraid of heights?" Solomon asked after a moment.

"No, not really," Haji admitted. "I rather enjoy them."

"Oh, right," Solomon blinked. "_I'm_ afraid of heights."

There was a long, tense pause.

"_Eeeeeeek_!" Solomon squealed in fright, accidentally releasing his hold on Haji and causing him to plummet toward the distant ground. As he fell, he caught sight of Saya standing on the balcony far below.

"Saya!" Haji called as he fell, pointing upward. "He called me a whore!"

"…And?" Saya prompted.

"It was _mean_!" Haji sniffled.

"And true!" Saya hollered at him. "You really are a- _yipe_!" At that moment Saya tripped over her flowing wedding dress and fell over the balcony railing. Haji gasped.

"Saya!! I can _totally_ see your panties!"

"SAVE ME, DUMBASS!"

"In a minute-"

"NOW!!"

"Oh, alright." Black wings burst from Haji's back, and he dove down like a peregrine falcon on his prey. Scooping up Saya into his arms, he landed safely on the pavement below. "Saya…please…" he began in a soft voice.

_BAM_!

Haji fell to the ground, holding his crushed baby-makers. Saya stood over him, hands on her hips.

"_That's_ for peeing on me when I didn't notice!" She growled. "_Told_ you I'd get you!"

"It's so good to have you back!" Haji whimpered through the pain.

"So, this is the true form of Saya's first chevalier," Solomon smoothly commented as he also landed, back in his human form. He raised an eyebrow at Haji. "…Mine's still hotter."

"Is NOT!"

"Is t-"

"_Quit it_!!" Saya cut them off. When she was sure they wouldn't interrupt, she faced Solomon. "Solomon, I'm sorry, but I can't come with you and live with the pixies or whatever. Here, take your dumb dress back!" The two men perked up as she grabbed hold of the dress to rip it off. "Er…maybe not." She removed her hands and the men deflated in disappointment. "Anyway, time to go, Haji." She grabbed his arm and turned to leave.

"Your sister is pregnant with Riku's children!!" Solomon suddenly burst out. Saya froze mid-step.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt!" Jerry Springer commented, appearing next to Saya. He shoved a microphone in her face. "What's your response?"

"I will kill you."

"Point taken. Let's go!" Jerry hurried away, followed by his camera crew and security personnel. Haji did likewise, picking up Saya in his arms and flying away into the night sky. Solomon watched them go forlornly.

"…I'm still so _horny_," he whimpered to himself.

-Back at Headquarters-

"Is that sauce or blood?" Mao asked bluntly, staring with disgust at the kitchen table, where plates filled with blackened food seeped with red liquid.

"Blood," Kai replied, holding up a finger with a band-aid. "I accidentally cut myself."

"What _are_ you, a hemophiliac?!" Mao snorted. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"No way!" Kai muttered. "If you kiss it it'll probably turn black and fall off."

"Why you-" Mao went for him just as the front door swung open, revealing a very tired looking Saya and Haji.

"Oh thank _bleep_ you're here!" Kai gushed, dashing to Saya and hiding behind her to escape Mao's Medusa gaze. "What's with the getup, you two getting' hitched or something? Anyway, look!" He gestured at the table. "I made you supper! Go on, dig in!"

Saya took one look at the charred, bloodied food and gulped.

"I…don't eat anymore."

-Episode 43 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Wow, this one's a little bit longer than usual, huh? Oh well, I just had a lotta fun so I wanted to put it all. I realize I'm not to great with the whole romance thing, but I tried my best and I hope everyone liked it! Review, please!


	44. Episode 44: Within the Light

Author's Note: Man, I'm still not used to school yet. I hate it here! But then again, who doesn't? Ah, well. Anyway, here's the next episode, which is Schiff-centric. Get ready for lots of Lulu and her freaky eyes! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 44

Within the Light

It was night-time in New York city. The busy streets had calmed down to a lull, and sky-scrapers gleamed in the moonlight. A lone, cloaked figure could be seen leaping through the darkened sky, hopping from rooftop to rooftop, as if in search of something. The figure paused, light from the moon revealing a small face, purple hair, and wide, baggy eyes-

Hey, I know those _bleep_ed up eyes! It's Lulu!

Lulu stood on the rooftop, getting her bearings of the city to make sure she was headed in the right direction. From a nearby building, a little girl glanced out and caught sight of her.

"Mooom," the girl called, "there's a creepy little kid outside my window!"

"We've been _over_ this!" The girl's mother snapped from the other room. "Do your damn homework before I get out the belt!!"

"Y-yes ma'am!"

"…Man I'm glad I don't have parents," Lulu winced, then turned, jumped, and smashed right into an overhanging Mcdonald's sign. No, no, wrong one, girl. You should be looking for the one that says 'optometrist'. I know you're cute n' all, but you gotta get them _eyes_ fixed.

-At Headquarters, a.k.a. the Crappy Apartment-

Meanwhile, in the crappy 'headquarters' of the Red Shield, Julia was busy telling Kai, Louis, Saya, and Haji important information that could very well help them win the fight against Diva.

"-and then he said he liked my breasts! _Eeee_!" Julia finished, squealing with excitement and clapping her hands. Saya raised an eyebrow.

"Um," she interrupted nervously, "this is great and everything, but, aren't Diva and her children kinda…more important?"

"Nothing's more important than the ladies!" Julia hissed dangerously. "_Nothing_!" There was a short pause before she continued. "Fun fact! Did you know one is _slightly_ larger than the other?"

"Oh will you please-" Saya began.

"I was talking about the _babies_, bitch!"

"…You're gonna have to be more specific."

"I mean Diva and her children, _not_ my fun bags!"

"Oh." Saya blinked. "Then please continue."

"Are you sure they're Riku's babies?" Kai asked firmly. "With that crazy whore it coulda been anyone." He paused. "Like…me."

"Haha. You? _Scoring_?" Louis snorted. Everyone burst into a fit of laughter which lasted about five full minutes. "Okay, yeah, anyway, back to wondering if they're really Riku's babies-"

"Well we've got the paternity test right here!" Jerry Springer cut in, waving a sheet of paper in his face.

"Get OUT of here, Jerry!" Saya growled, violently shoving the man out of the scene.

"Yes, we're sure they're Riku's," Julia went on, ignoring Jerry's interruption. "We also don't know when they'll be born. Could be soon, could be a few years from now." The sexy scientist glanced over at Saya and caught her eye. "Do you know what this means?"

"Yeah, I'm an _aunt_!" Saya cried, jumping to her feet in jubilation. "Oooh, I can't wait to hype them up on sugar and caffeine and set them on Diva! _Ahahahahaha_!"

"Well, yes," Julia agreed amiably, "but _besides_ that!"

"It sure is lonely here without David's filter-feeding," Louis sighed. "What's taking him, anyway?"

"He'll need another half a month before he can have sex with m- er, I mean, come help you guys." Julia smiled sheepishly and fluttered her eyelashes.

Saya suddenly gasped. Lulu had just appeared in the window, sitting herself comfortably on the sill next to Julia, who stood not inches away. Slowly the well-endowed woman turned her head and saw Lulu.

"…Hi." Lulu said quietly.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUGH!" Julia let out a piercing shriek, grabbed hold of Lulu, flung her back out the window, and slammed it shut for good measure, panting for breath.

"Julia!" Saya exclaimed, "she's _good_!" Julia scowled at her.

"Well she sure don't look it!"

-Later-

A little while later, Julia cautiously watched the creepy little girl from a safe distance while said girl bugged Saya to near insanity in the living room.

"So, you were born in Okinawa, huh?" Lulu asked. "I was born in Kilbed! It really sucked there! It was so cold and dark all the time!"

"Please stop talking to me," Saya said in a depressing monotone. Lulu didn't seem to hear her.

"Where were you born, Haji?" She asked, turning to Saya's man-slave. He opened his mouth to answer. "No, wait! Lemme guess! …A castle?"

"Wrong," Haji sniffled, tears springing in his eyes. "I was born in a chicken coop with my _whore_ mother! _Gaaah_!" He spun on his heel and ran sobbing away.

"He's…a little sensitive about that," Saya said quietly. Lulu shrugged.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's see what's on the tube!" Snatching up the remote, she flipped the television on and began watching I Love New York, screwing her face up at the perverted antics on screen. "So…wait…she's supposed to be _pretty_?"

"Oh, the memories," Saya thought to herself, remembering Riku. "Brings a tear to my eye…"

"Honey, I'm home!" Kai called as he strode in the front door, a largish cooler strapped over his shoulder. He stopped dead upon seeing Lulu, then gave a girly shriek, picked her up, chucked her out the window, and slammed it shut.

"KAI!!"

"Er…sorry."

After Lulu had been retrieved from the pavement, ("Why does this keep _happening_ to me?!") she went back to watching television as Kai placed the cooler on the table by Louis and Julia.

"Where'd you get that?" Julia asked curiously, raising her brow upon seeing the cooler was filled with multiple bags of blood.

"Don't ask, don't tell! Shh!" Kai answered mysteriously, winking and holding a finger up to his mouth. Julia rolled her eyes and went back to studying Lulu, her gaze misting over as she began musing to herself aloud.

"The Schiff were originally products of the process of artificially creating chevalier," she said softly. "They have strong vitality and toughness like them, minus the perverted gene. But they have a limited lifespan. In a way…they're failed products." She stopped and blinked, noticing Kai and Louis staring at her in horrified fascination. "What, am I scaring you boys?"

"Um, no, we can see one of your titties."

"Gosh-DANG it!" Julia hurriedly fixed her shirt before continuing. "Anyway, as I was saying, there's only _one_ difference between the Schiff and the Corpse Corps."

"Their undeniably sick moves and catchy rhythms?!" Kai gasped aloud.

"No, the _Thorn_, dumbass!" Julia barked. "Don't you have some blood to go deliver?!"

-Later, With Kai-

A short while later, Kai was roaming the emptied streets of New York City, the cooler full of blood over one shoulder. A lone cloaked figure stood at the end of the street, waiting for him. Kai suddenly ducked down like a secret agent, scooted behind a dumpster, then somersaulted all the way down the street to the stranger. Staggering up to his feet and trying not to puke, he woozily issued a salute to the figure.

"Signing in, Cap'n!" He reported, struggling to hold down his gorge. "No-one's spotted me so far!"

"Um…that's because there's no-one around," Moses said awkwardly, glancing about at the empty streets.

"Ya can't be too sure!" Kai stated, slowly regaining his balance. "Here." He handed the cooler full of blood to Moses, who smiled. "Now, you might wanna check it for things like AIDS and sickle cell," Kai warned him. The smile quickly became extinct.

"Where did you get this blood?" Moses asked.

"Hookers, mostly," Kai shrugged. "Wanna know how I did it?"

"Is Lulu with you today?" Moses tactfully changed the subject.

"If by 'with' you mean eating all our pizza and bugging the shit outta us, then yes, she's 'with' us." Kai replied shortly.

"She's just trying to live life to the fullest," Moses said, strapping the cooler over his shoulder. He faced Kai and met his eyes firmly. "Kai Miyagusuku, I thank you. It's thanks to you we can live like this."

Kai was staring at Moses with an intense, confused look on his face.

"Wasn't…you hair…covering…the _other_ eye?" Kai asked slowly after a long moment.

"Were you even _listening_?!" Moses exploded. "Look, I'm saying if you hadn't sought to try and get lucky with Irene, we would not exist today."

"Hmm…Irene…" Kai's eyes glazed over as he remembered the pretty young Schiff, her sweet smile and beautiful blonde hair. "Yeah, she was pretty hot. I _totally_ woulda banged her."

After an awkward pause, Moses kneed him in the crotch.

"We owe you a lot for all the help you've given us," he continued as Kai gurgled on the pavement. "If I am reborn, I'd like to be born at your side."

"Um, okay," Kai coughed, climbing back to his feet, "I _really_ don't think that's a cool thing for one dude to say to another dude, alright? Unless…you're…like that."

"Like what?" Moses frowned.

"…You know." Kai paused, then began skipping in place. "La la la! You know, like _that_!"

Moses stared at him for several moments, then kneed him in the crotch a second time before turning to leave.

"Later!" He halted a few steps away and looked back at Kai. "You know, I still don't think it's fair that only the two of us know about this."

"_Shh_!" Kai was suddenly on his feet and pressing a finger to Moses' lips. "No more talk, lover! We can't let them find out about our relationship!"

"Okay, NOW look who's talking!" Moses barked before hurrying the eff away.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the city, Lulu snuck under the dim light of dawn, scuttling back to the Schiff's hideout, which was an abandoned apartment building. Sneaking in through the back entrance, she slipped into a dark room and thought she was all set when-

"And where have you been, missy?" Karman's stern voice asked. Lulu winced, then conjured up a smile and turned to see the pissed-off Schiff glaring at her from his seat against a nearby wall. "Well?"

"I was, um, smoking pot and shooting up heroine with my ganstah homies!" Lulu lied. Karman snorted.

"Nice try," he spat. "You were with that Kai bastard again! I can smell his stupid on you! Don't go near him again, it's bad for both you _and_ your brain!" He whipped his spear at the small girl, but she skillfully dodged it.

"Why not?! Why can't I go see them?!" Lulu insisted.

"They're different from us!" Karman growled.

"Oh, what, you mean NOT assholes?!"

"Why you-!!"

"Break it up!" Moses cried, appearing in the front door, cooler over his shoulder. He stretched and rubbed his neck, suppressing a shudder. "Gawd I need a shower. I feel so _dirty_ after what he said."

"What, you've been with Kai, too?!" Karman cried it outrage. "You freakin' _whores_!"

"Come on, he's not a bad guy! He helps us out!" Moses protested, pulling out a bag o' blood from the cooler and handing it to Lulu. "Here's breakfast." Lulu took one sip and smiled.

"Mmm! Diabetes!"

"Well…maybe he doesn't _really_ help, but he tries! Gimme that." Moses snatched the blood back and flung it into the cooler. "Damn Kai and his hookers…"

"Aww, but diabetes is my _favorite_!" Lulu whined, tugging at his sleeve.

"Humans are just food! Why can't you see that?!" Karman burst out, huddling away in his corner. Moses frowned at him.

"Geez, what got you so emo today?" He sniffed. "You listen to Linkin Park, or you just hit puberty and are starting to grow man-hair in strange places?"

"That's it!" Karman cried, leaping to his feet. "No-one understands me! I'm running away!" As he turned to go, his hood fell back, revealing a red, angry-looking and vaguely familiar crack on the side of his neck.

"_Whoooo_! Looks like _some_body got some action!" Moses whistled. "I knew I was right about the puberty thing!"

"This isn't a hickey!" Karman whirled around, clapping a hand over the crack. "It's the Thorn! I'm _dieing_!"

"Oh." Moses blinked, then narrowed his eyes. "_Ohhhh_."

"I'm outta here!" Karman stormed off in a huff, leaping from the windowsill to the outside world below.

"Wait, you forgot your Fallout Boy and razor blades!" Moses called after him. Lulu stomped on his toe, eliciting a high, girly shriek of pain.

"We have to go after him!" She insisted. Moses rolled his eyes, but complied. The two zoomed from the building, following their companion's trail.

Outside the abandoned building that served as their hideout, a familiar black man in a dark business suit stepped out from behind a tree. Raising a hand, he straightened his tie, then a large jewel-encrusted bling. It's…it's…

"Aw, yeah. That's right." James grinned at the camera. "Lil' J's back, nig-"

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT IN MY FIC!!

"Wha? But…" James scowled. "That is _racist_, bitch!"

-Elsewhere in the City-

Lulu once again sprang from rooftop to rooftop, this time not looking for people to annoy, but her precious pissy companion, Karman. She paused and surveyed the city, but he was nowhere to be seen. As she stopped, the same little girl once again caught sight of her.

"Moooom, there's a-"

"That's it! I warned you!"

_Wha-PISH_!

"_Ieeeee_!"

Elsewhere in the city, more specifically at the headquarters of Red Shield, Kai sat on the couch, staring intently at the TV screen, which showed nothing but static snow.

"This is my favorite channel!" He gushed, turning the volume up and chowing down on some popcorn. Beside him, Saya winced.

"I can _hear_ your brain-cells dieing," she stated, snatching away the remote and switching the channel. Now it was I Love New York. "And now mine are, too." She quickly turned off the TV before she could become brain-dead and silence filled the room. With nothing to distract him, Kai's attention immediately focused on Saya, whom he smirked at.

"Hey, hot stuff. S'up?"

"I've been thinking, Kai," Saya began, then noticed Kai's frown. "…You know, that thing you _don't_ do." Kai nodded for her to continue. "Well, it seems like…we're all the same."

"Uh-huh," Kai agreed. "If we can just try to understand one another, we'll all get along." He paused, then smiled goofily. "Now let's sing and dance!" He began singing the Friendship Song, which is below me to actually write the words.

"What is this episode about, togetherness? _Laaame_," Saya scoffed, tossing her head. She then noticed the director waving her paycheck near the fireplace. "Err, I mean, friendship, _yay_!" She joined Kai in the ending lines of the Friendship Song, smiling cheesily all the while. "Kai," she said once it was over, "you're becoming more and more like dad." Kai beamed. "Except for the man-whore part, because you're still a virgin."

"Hey, I'm saving it for my special someone!" Kai snapped, then shrugged. "Or a hooker. Whichever comes first." He crossed his fingers and began to pray. "Please, God! Let it be a hooker!"

_BANG_!

Saya and Kai jumped in surprise, whirling around to find Lulu on their window sill yet again, panting for breath and eyes wide with panic.

"Help!" She managed to gasp out. "Please, help me!"

"AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!" Suddenly Julia ran screaming into the room, shoved Lulu back out the window, and slammed it shut. Saya and Kai gaped at her. "…Oh. 'Good'. Sorry."

-Meanwhile…-

At that moment, Karman, the man…chiropteran boy-thing, whatever, whom everyone was searching for, was standing in the dimly-lit hallway of a hospital, stalking his prey. A young girl was walking down the hall toward him, and upon seeing him, gasped and halted.

"P…pervert!" She shrieked, and tried to flee. Karman easily caught her, and lunged forward to drink her blood. "Help! There's a pervert with a hickey after me!"

"Shut up, you…!" Karman's insult stopped short, as did his fangs, when he glanced over his shoulder and saw a faded vision of his dear Schiff comrades. Dropping the girl, he stumbled toward the vision, confusion swirling in his head. In it, Irene smiled and waved, while Guy flipped him off for calling him 'bowl-cut' in that one episode. The other Schiff also said hello, then, as if it were a dream, they all faded away in the sunlight.

Karman fell to his knees, hugging himself and holding back tears.

"You…you're all…" he whispered softly, "…_within_ me…"

"DIE PERVERT!!" The female patient shrieked, jumping onto his back and attacking him with a bedpan. Needless to say, Karman didn't appreciate it much.

"You're ruining the moment, whore!"

-At the Schiff Hideout-

Meanwhile, at the Schiff hideout, Moses paced back and forth, fraught with worry for his friend. Where could he be? Had anything happened to him? Was the Thorn getting worse? Had he gone too far with the emo comment? His mind filled with anxiety, he couldn't help but remember an encounter with Kai from a few days ago.

"She can heal us?!" Moses had gasped, standing in the same empty street he and Kai met in. Kai nodded.

"Yup," he'd smiled. "There's a possibility we can fix your _bleep_ed up eyes. We're still working on a way to cut your hair so you can actually _see_-"

"I meant the Thorn!"

"Oh." Kai had blinked. "Then no, we don't have a cure for that. You're all gonna die horribly painful deaths. Deal with it." And so saying, he had spun on his heel and walked away, whistling cheerfully. Moses had dealt with this like a mature adult.

He smashed Kai's head in from behind with the cooler, then stolen his wallet.

"Where's you friend?" A sharp voice snapped Moses out of his reverie, and he jumped to his feet, turning to find James standing not a few feet away, smirking.

"Oh my God take all you want just please don't kill me!!" Moses babbled, holding his arms out in front of him. James scowled as the young Schiff began frantically emptying his pockets. "Here! Here's my wallet _and_ Kai's wallet, my library card, some coupons, and a gift certificate to Staples! Just…just take it and go! _Please_!"

"I'm NOT mugging you," James ground out. Moses blinked.

"Oh." There was a pause. "You're not…gonna rape me, are you?"

"Please," James sniffed disdainfully, "you're not pretty enough." Moses took this as a personal insult.

"How did you survive?" He growled, backing away warily. "I though Saya killed you!"

"If 50 Cent can survive getting shot nine times," James explained, "then certainly Lil' J can survive being buried alive in a casket." Suddenly he raised his arms and began unbuttoning his dress shirt.

"Oh my God you _are_ gonna rape me!" Moses wailed.

"Shut UP!" James snapped, then whipped open his shirt, displaying his zombie-like new body. His arms and legs obviously came from donors, while only his head and torso were still his. "As you can see, I am now-"

"Half black?" Moses finished, eyes wide with horror.

"NO!" James barked. "Well…yes, in a sense. I now have new limbs, made from Schiff donors. Pretty sweet, huh?"

"Hey…is…" Moses shifted uncomfortably, but couldn't contain his curiosity, "is you're…_you know_…"

"_That_, thankfully, is still mine," James sighed, buttoning up his shirt once again. "Anyway, to more important matters. We want to make you an offer you can't refuse. We'll give you the cure for the Thorn, IF you come with us."

Moses bit his lip, thinking hard for several long moments before answering.

"Are…are you _sure_ you don't want to have sex with m-"

"NO!!"

-Back At Headquarters-

Lulu looked up, worry in her eyes as the front door opened and Kai and Louis walked in, looking a bit tired and out of breath.

"Any luck?" She asked hopefully.

"Lemme put it this way," Kai drawled, "it's like playing 'Where's Waldo', except it's not fun and everyone's a hobo." He looked over to Saya. "You guys find him?"

"We haven't even left yet!" Haji exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, right."

"Don't worry, Lulu," Saya comforted, patting the little girl's shoulder. "We'll all go out and look some more." A sharp glare cut off Kai's groan. "Let's go!"

"Everyone…thank you," Lulu sniffled, tears coming to her eyes.

"Thank us by gettin' your eyes fixed, bitch."

"KAI!"

"Well it's _true_!"

-Elsewhere in the City-

Moses landed on a rooftop and breathed a sigh of relief. There was Karman, not ten feet away, gazing at the distant horizon where the sun would soon peek its face over. Straightening his robes, Moses forced his facial expression into one of stern fatherly disapproval, then marched up to Karman to give him a talking to.

"I saw Irene," Karman said once he noticed Moses. The one-eyed Shiff froze.

"S…sure you did," he began uneasily, holding out his hand. "Now let's go back home and color some pretty pictures, okay? Plus we're having macaroni tonight! I'll be sure to lace them with lots of medication-"

"I saw them all," Karman went on, ignoring Moses' doubts. "They're all…within me. Within my thoughts. I guess…I was like Irene. I was afraid of dieing without anyone remembering that I ever lived. But…I realize now that-"

_Clang_!!

A bedpan flew out of nowhere and cracked Karman on the side of the head.

"Take that, pervert!" The same patient shrieked.

"You are _so_ dead, skank!" Karman hissed, whirling toward her and approaching. "That's the last moment you'll _ever_ ruin!"

"Dear God," Moses sighed, shaking his head. "He hasn't learned a damn thing…"

-Episode 44 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Gawd, I'm getting closer to the finishing line! Whoop! I hope David hurries it up and recuperates so I can mess with him some more. Sorry if this episode seems a bit short, it just turned out that way when I wrote it. Hope you liked it anyway! Review, please!


	45. 45:When The Sun Shines Through Our Hands

Author's Note: Damn, I'm tired. It's weird – I'm bored all week with no homework, then the weekend rolls by and I have papers to write, one hundred pages to read, and a test to study for. Damn school! Well, here you go, number forty-five! Does this mean…five left? Oh, geez, I dunno. I'm almost done, I know that. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 45

When The Sun Shines Through Our Hands

It was early morning in the city of New York (wow, finally! An episode that _doesn't_ start at night!). As the sun began to peek its face over the distant horizon, Lulu sat in the crappy headquarters of Red Shield, fidgeting on the couch while she waited for news of Karman. Kai and Louis stood over at the kitchen table, 'searching' for Karman on the web but really just looking at porn. Poor Lulu was too anxious to notice. Finally the front door opened, and Saya and Haji strode in.

"Did you find him?! Did you find Karman?!" Lulu was on her feet in an instant, running up to Saya, who shook her head sadly.

"I couldn't find him," she told her, "but I _did_ find something even better." She paused for a moment, then whipped out her prize. "Cheesy nachos! _Mmm_!"

"Ooh! Gimme some!" Kai reached out a hand, which Saya slapped back.

"Finders, keepers!"

Lulu drooped in disappointment, shuffling back to the couch and dumping herself onto it with a sigh.

"Cheer up!" Saya sat next to her. "Here, you can smell them!" She held the food under the girl's nose and let her have a sniff. "Good, huh?"

"I guess…" Lulu shrugged.

"Wish you had some?"

"Kinda…"

"Well too bad!" Saya turned away and crunched on a chip. "Mmm! Delicious!"

_Knock, knock_.

Everyone turned to stare at the door, then at Kai. Kai flipped them off, then stormed up to the front door and yanked it open violently.

"We told you already, we don't _want_ any G.D. pamphlets!!" He blinked. Moses stood in the doorway. "Wow, you converted?"

"Kai," Moses said quietly, raising his scythe. "Please die for us."

There was a brief silence.

"Uh…NO?" Kai stated.

"Kai, don't be _rude_!" Saya hissed from behind. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Screw you guys!"

-Meanwhile, With Diva-

At that moment, the spoiled lil' chiropteran queen was gazing with vague disgust at James, who floated naked in a tank with an oxygen mask strapped on his face. Amshel and Nathan stood behind her, watching as she snorted and stepped back.

"That's not my James!" She declared, then looked down and blinked. "Well…_that_ part is…but my James ain't no cookies n' cream! He is ALL dark chocolate, baby! I don't want him anymore." Turning on her heel, she whisked across the room toward the exit. "Maaan, I knew I shoulda made Kai my chevalier…"

"Diva, you know why you can't," Amshel called after her retreating form. "The stupid is bad for the babies."

"Mmm, yeah," James began muttering and rapping in his sleep. "I might have white arms n' legs, dawg, but I'm still black where it counts, yo, yo, yo."

"…On second thought, the rapping doesn't help much either," Amshel stated as he and Nathan plugged up their ears and hurried after their mistress.

Suddenly James's eyes shot open and he looked up. He was now fully dressed and sitting before a table in a quant room. Apparently the entire scene before had been a flashback of his, (whoo, trippy!) which he had just snapped out of. Looking around to get his bearings, he immediately noticed two things; one, Nathan was sitting across the table from him, smiling, and two; he had a cup of tea in his hands. Slowly looking between the gay and the tea several times, James wisely chose to set down the beverage and inch his chair a little further away.

"Damn!" Nathan hissed quietly, then told himself there'd be plenty of chances later. "Anyway, back on topic," he began, clearing his throat, "why are you using that one-eyed cutie-patootie Schiff to kill Kai? Why not just off him yourself? You know…bust a cap in his ass or whatever."

"Because," James answered solemnly. "It's art." Nathan giggled.

"Wow, a gangster like you saying 'art'? What next?" He face suddenly turned deadly serious. "Say you love me."

"EFF no!"

"You've certainly changed," Nathan sighed, sitting back in his chair and sipping at his drink. James scowled.

"I haven't changed at all!" He snapped. "…Besides the white-man arms and legs. At least the weiner's still mine."

"Don't worry, I _like_ your body!" Nathan smiled dazzlingly at him. "It's like sleeping with two men at once! Horray, threesomes! How fun!" He squealed like a girl scout making her first sale.

"…Stay away from me," James growled, getting up from his chair and marching to the door. "I'm outta here. I got a recording session with Jay-Z to get to. Peace out, bitch."

"You too, nig-"

I SAID YOU CAN'T SAY THAT IN MY FIC!!

"What? But…" Nathan stammered, then gasped. "Oh my God, James is right! You ARE racist!!"

-Back at Headquarters-

Back at the Red Shield headquarters, Moses was mid-leap, scythe swinging down toward Kai's soft and vulnerable head. Fortunately (or unfortunately) he was doing it in slow motion, giving Kai plenty of time (which in his case was a good ten seconds) to realize what was going on so he could duck out of the way and escape harm. Saya gasped in horror.

"What the hell, Moses?!" She snarled. "You almost…spilled my _nachos_!"

"I hate you, Saya," Kai told her in a dead-pan tone. "But I'd still _bleep_ you!"

"…You gonna kill him or what?" Saya asked huffily, glancing at Moses.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Let me! Let _meeee_!" Haji begged, waving his arm in the air like he was in math class.

"No, _I'm_ killing him!" Moses shouted them all down, then leapt for Kai once again, kicking him hard in the stomach and sending him flying through the window.

"Whyyyyy, loverrrrr?!" Kai called as he fell.

"Saya, my love! I shall catch thee!" Haji sang as he stood on the street far below (yes, he can magically teleport). Catching the falling person, he was shocked to find it not Saya and not female at all. "Kai?!"

"Haji?!"

An awkward silence followed.

"We must never speak of this again," Haji whispered fiercely. "Agreed?"

"Agreed." Haji slowly put Kai down and the two inched away from one another. Moses finally landed several feet away from his long jump above and glared at the two. "Why are you trying to kill me?!" Kai demanded to know. "If this is about Haji catching me a few seconds ago, _he's_ the one who instigated it!"

"Hey! I thought we were never to speak of it again!" Haji sputtered. Kai shrugged.

"I lied."

"Shut up and die!" Moses charged forward, scythe whooshing through the air. Kai ducked away.

"Scare him off with sunlight!" Louis called down helpfully from the window above.

"Oh, yeah, cause I'm GOD," Kai snorted back, then was cracked on the forehead with a falling flashlight. "…Or this'll work just fine." Switching the flashlight on, he swung the beam into Moses's face, who hissed and backed away.

"Iee! The sun!"

"Ha ha! This is just like in that movie, Hocus Pocus!" Kai laughed to himself.

"What?" Louis asked.

"What?" Kai replied. "I mean…I would never watch that kiddie movie!" He paused for thought. "Although Sarah Jessica Parker makes one _super_ hot witch."

Suddenly the battery to the flashlight died, and the beam flickered away.

"Run, Kai!" Louis barked.

"Don't mind if I do!" Kai might not have been Einstein, but he at least understood the equation Kai Plus Moses Equals Bad, and so ran the eff away. He ducked into a dark alleyway, searching for a spot of sunlight to cower in, Moses hot on his heels the entire way. During his flight, Kai came upon a tall metal fence and paused, trying to catch his breath. "Can I get past?"

He glanced behind him and saw Moses approaching with scythe in hand, a murderous look in his one eye.

"You bet your sweet ass I can!" Kai sprang for the fence and vaulted over, fueled by adrenaline and also by the fact that he'd peed his pants a little and didn't want anyone to notice. Now that he had a barrier between him and his attacker, he turned to confront him. "Why, Moses?" He asked. "You said you loved me!"

"No I didn't," was the cold reply.

"You bought me flowers!"

"No I never."

"You…you made love to me?" Kai tried one last time.

"Okay, now you're just pissing me off." Moses easily cut through the fence with his weapon and launched himself at Kai. "Die for us, Kai!"

Just then, a ribbon of sunlight broke through the clouds and sliced into the shadows, hitting Moses in the face with its stunning brilliance. The vampire-wannabe shrieked in pain, pulled his hood down, and ran. Kai was safe.

"Wow, you saved me!" Kai smiled up at the sun. "Thanks, man!" He blew it a kiss. The sun then promptly gurgled, turned black, and died. "Aww, _she_-yit."

-With Moses-

Moses hid in the shade of an alleyway, seething inwardly as his failure to kill Kai.

"Just you wait, Kai!" He growled quietly to himself. "I'll get you! Because I have…_this_!" He slowly reached into his robes and pulled out…

A bottle of sunscreen.

"Oh, yeah!" The male Schiff chortled. "SPF 4500, mother-_bleep_er! I can go _tanning_ with this shit!" He squirted out some of the stuff and began applying it to his face, his mind wandering to the previous day, when he'd accepted James's offer and gone to the mansion with him. Thankfully, James hadn't raped him there, instead taking him into the cellar where a laboratory was located.

-_Flashbaaaack_! In the Lab!-

"What do you mean, we have to become Diva's bitches?" Moses asked, confused at James's proposal. "This ain't prison, dawg!" James fixed him with a look bordering on the insane and slowly walked up to him, grabbing his face in his hands and pulling him close.

"Yes it is," he whispered harshly. "YES…IT…_IS_."

"…Can you let go? You're hurting my face."

"Sorry." James released him and took a step back to recompose himself. "Anyway, the only thing that can cure you Schiff from the Thorn is Diva's blood, and nothing else."

"Not even the power of friendship?" Moses asked hopefully.

"Don't make me puke," James sneered. Suddenly he raised his arms and ripped open his shirt once again, revealing his black-and-white zombie-like body. "As you know, this is-"

"_Look_, man," Moses interrupted, covering his eyes with his hands, "if you're not gonna rape me, then you gotta stop _doin'_ that!"

"Alright, alright!" James rolled his eyes before continuing. "Just let me say that I was grafted with the bodies of Corpse Corps soldiers after losing my own limbs. See, they _are_ useful!" He gestured behind him, where several naked Corpse Corps soldiers (who, remember, look just like Moses!) floated unconscious in tanks, awaiting orders.

"For the record," Moses stated to the camera, "their units do not even BEGIN to compare to mine."

"And you say _I'm_ the perverted one?" James snorted.

"Yeah…anyway…who are _they_?" Moses asked curiously, pointing at several soldiers who were decked out in various forms of gangstah-wear, such as bling-bling, sideways baseball caps, and basketball jerseys.

"Those are my personal back-up dancers," James replied smugly. "No-one messes with them." He paused for emphasis. "NO-ONE."

"…What about that one?" Moses asked, pointing at a soldier who was wearing a pink princess dress and tiara set.

"Oh, I just felt like messin' with ya." James shrugged. "So anyway, here's the deal," he went on, buttoning up his shirt. "If you become Diva's chevalier, you'll be free of the Thorn." Moses thought for a moment.

"What's the catch?" He asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing. "No health insurance?"

"Kill Kai for us," James said, slowly and heavily.

"Done."

"Oh, come on! Please? We'll- wait, _what_?" James blinked in surprise.

"I said done. I'll do it." Moses stared back at James, dead serious.

"Are you…_sure_?" James asked uncertainly. "You can always-"

"Hell, I woulda done it for free if you asked nice enough!"

"Okay, okay! Just GO!"

-Flashback's _Overrr_! Back With Moses!-

Moses, having finished applying his layer of protective sun-block, stood up from the shadows and began walking down the street, once again in search of his prey; Kai. The powerful rays of the sun beat down on his back, causing him discomfort despite the added protection.

"Does the sun hate us so much?" Moses panted to himself, stumbling down the road.

"No, not really," the sun answered with a shrug. "It's not _my_ fault you guys are albino or whatever."

"I wasn't _talking_ to you!" Moses snapped at the blazing star. "Sun's aren't supposed to talk! And didn't you _die_ five minutes ago?!"

"You're so…_hurtful_!" The sun sobbed. Moses ignored it and continued on his way.

-Meanwhile, With Kai-

Kai, meanwhile, was running screaming through the streets of New York, searching for a safe haven to hide in. Apparently New York residents were used to the running and screaming parts, as no-one paid him any mind on his flight of fear. After a few minutes of fleeing, Kai finally came across a peaceful, quiet park to run shrieking through and up to a police officer.

"Officer, officer!" Kai choked out, gasping for breath. "My one-eyed lover with a scythe is trying to kill me because another man caught me when I fell out of the building!"

The officer stared at him quietly for several moments.

"You gotta lay off the pot, son," he said kindly, patting his shoulder before wandering away. Kai watched him go with a scowl.

"…Dick." Sighing to himself, he sat down on a bench and gazed around at the tranquil scene, seeing no imminent danger in the vicinity. "I guess I'm safe here for now…thank God it's day-time. I'd either be killed by Moses or gang-raped by thugs!"

"_Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all! Po-ke-MON_!"

"Ah, my phone?" Kai quickly pulled it out of his pocket and answered. "Hello?"

"Kai, you okay?" Louis asked from across the line. Kai sighed.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm allri- SWEET JESUS!"

"What?! What's wrong?!" Louis shouted. "Is it Moses?!"

"No," Kai corrected, "there's a _really_ hot chick jogging by! I repeat; _jogging_!"

"Well damn, boy, don't leave me hangin', send me some video!" Louis snapped. Kai complied, using his cell-phone to record the girl running and sending it to Louis's phone. "_Daaaaaaamn_!" Louis commented upon seeing the video. "Er, I mean, listen Kai, stay right where you are! Saya and Haji are coming to help you! …Right after they make a stop at Pizza Hut."

"Hmph, whatever," Kai grumbled.

"You should be safe where you-"

"MOTHER OF MERCY!!" Kai suddenly shrieked.

"What is it, another hot girl?! Send me video, man!!" Louis shouted back.

"No, you dumbass, it's Moses and he's trying to _kill_ me!"

"…Okay, _now_ you're just bein' selfish," Louis stated huffily, then hung up. Kai stared at the phone in disbelief for a few moments, then was forced to move his ass before Moses bifurcated it. The bench he'd been sitting on was slashed to pieces, catching the attention of the policeman from earlier.

"Hey, that is park property, mister!" The officer snapped, storming over. "I'll have you know destroying it is a hundred dollar fine and twelve hours of-" He stopped, looked at Moses with his one-eye and huge scythe, then at Kai, who was close to soiling himself. "My GOD, you _were_ telling the truth!"

"NOW will you help-" Kai began.

The officer was long gone.

"DAMMIT!" Kai had no choice but to turn and run, Moses close on his heels.

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the city, more specifically in an old, run-down building, Karman huddled on the floor, writing dark poetry to express his tormented emo soul. He was thinking what could possibly rhyme with 'the darkest depths of my empty shattered heart' when he was rudely interrupted by a shutter opening.

BANG!

Karman jumped in surprise, dropped his poetry, and looked up to find James standing at the nearby wall, lowering his arm as it was he who'd opened the shutter. A beam of sunlight entered the room, and Karman scuttled away from it in fear.

"Oh my God please don't rape me!" He babbled, hurriedly emptying his pockets. "Here, take all my money! Just don't rape me, _please_!"

"What _is_ it with people thinking I'm going to rape them?" James growled to himself, then glared at Karman, who'd finally calmed down a bit.

"You're a chevalier," the bespectacled Schiff said quietly. "Why are you here?"

"Moses asked me to come bug you," James answered with a shrug. "Right now, he is trying to kill that young man whom Saya holds so dear."

"…Haji?" Karman guessed after a moment.

"No."

"Louis?"

"No."

"…Colonel Sanders?"

"NO!" James thought hard. "That…that _other_ one, the annoying one, what's his name?"

"Oh. Kai." Karman blinked. "…AND?"

"He's trying to save his remaining friend," James began his speech, violently opening shutters with a BANG! all the while for emphasis. "He is acting on the unfounded belief called hope." BANG! "He is betting on the possibility-" BANG! "-of being able to save you from the Thorn." BANG! …BANGBANGBANG!!

Karman glanced up in confusion. James stood by one of the shutters, looking embarrassed.

"…This one's stuck a little," was all he said.

"Try lifting the-" Karman began.

"Don't HELP me!" James snapped, then successfully wrenched it open. BANG! Sunlight was beginning to fill the room, making Karman more and more nervous. James cleared his throat and continued his speech. "But there is no escape." BANG! "Even with Diva's blood-" BANG! "-you'll still die horrible deaths."

…Silence.

Karman looked up again.

"I…I ran out of shutters," James admitted bashfully. Karman scowled.

"Why are you doing this?!" He cried. "Why are you tormenting us like this?!"

"Because you _ruined_ me!!" James shouted back, infuriated. "It was because of you and Saya I had to get this new body, and you know what my record label said at the recording session today? They didn't need a 'white rapper' unless it was Eminem! Damn you all! It's _your_ fault I'm no longer Lil' J! It's _your_ fault my career is over! It's _your_ fault my album flopped!!"

"Maybe…it's because…you just suck?" Karman asked weakly.

"Oh, I _bleep_ing give up," James heaved a sigh and turned away. "I'm gonna go watch Everybody Loves Raymond."

There was a short pause.

"Do you see what I've _become_?! I'm a _monster_!!" James burst into tears and ran awaysobbing. Karman watched him go, still confused and disturbed.

"…Hey, I _like_ that show!"

-Back With Kai-

Back with our favorite punching bag, Kai was in big trouble. He was running through the park, screaming his lungs out, and _still_ no-one was willing to help him! Moses was closing in, and Kai thought if he didn't catch his breath soon, he'd surely-

"_Ooh_! Water fountain!" Kai squealed, screeching to a halt and slurping up water. Moses stopped also, panting, but hesitated when Kai finished and stepped away.

"Don't worry, it's clean," Kai told him. Moses looked grateful and took a sip. "Actually, I spit in it a little."

"You _asshole_!!"

The flight continued through the park, over a few benches and old people playing chess, across a hopscotch game, through a jump-rope of double-dutch, down the slide-

"ENOUGH!!" Moses snarled, slashing all the previous toys and games apart. He then leapt at Kai, scythe swinging down to decapitate him. Kai squeaked in fright, tripped, and accidentally yanked Moses's hood back, exposing his pale skin to the merciless sun. Immediately Moses screamed in pain, whipped his head back, eyes widening at the intensity of the sun, and screamed again.

"Serves you right!" Kai cried as the other boy fell to the ground, writhing. "That's what you get for looking directly at the sun! Don't you know you can go BLIND doin' that?"

"This sunscreen isn't doing jack!" Moses whimpered as he squirmed. "Bastards! I'm gonna sue their asses!" He blinked in surprise as he was suddenly shielded from the light, and looked up to find Kai standing over him, protecting him with his removed shirt. Kai smiled, and-

"Put some clothes on, pervert!"

"You're in public, for goodness sakes!"

"Mom, I'm scared!"

"SHUT UP!!" Kai roared at the complaining crowd. "You're all just _jealous_!"

-A Few Minutes Later-

Kai and Moses had moved from the (bleeding) eyes of the disturbed onlookers, hiding in the shade of a small group of trees next to a pond. The two sat at the roots of a large tree, recovering from their previous episode in the park. Finally Kai spoke up.

"Alright, time to talk about our relationship, honey-buns."

"Call me that again and I'll kill you for real."

"Okay, what's eating you, Moses?" Kai quickly corrected.

"Karman's dieing," Moses answered quietly.

"Who?"

"The asshole with the glasses."

"Oh, him." Kai paused. "So?"

"So he wants to be remembered! Help me out here!" Moses exploded.

"Well…" Kai actually gave this some thought, an impressive feat for him. "Oh! I know! Have him sign up on Eharmony, or ! Or have him make a Myspace or something! Is he a drunken Asian whore like Tila Tequila? Then he'll do fine! He'll _certainly_ be remembered!"

"Kai…" Moses turned to him, a serious look in his eyes- er, eye. "Had we met earlier…we would have surely become good friends."

"_Really_?" Kai asked sweetly.

"…No." Moses raised his arm and shot a gross spike-thing from his hand, right at Kai's face.

_Splat_!

"_Eeeeek_!" Kai fell backward, cringing in fright, waiting for the pain. After a few seconds of nothing besides the dampness of his pants, he cracked an eye open to see-

Karman having jumped in the way between them, taking the spike-thing in his chest for Kai!

"_YESSSS_!" Kai cheered, throwing up his hands. "Oh, I mean…_NOOO_! Why did you _do_ that?!" Karman fell over, Moses rushing forward to catch him.

"I _knew_ it was a love triangle!" The officer from before sobbed, watching this new turn of events from the nearby bushes. "This is getting so good!"

"Wake up, Moses," Karman ground out as Moses removed the spike from his chest. "_I'm_ the a-hole around here, _not_ you! You're the prissy annoying bastard with the stupid hair, get it right!"

"Oh, Karman…" Moses looked at his dear friend, tears filling his eyes.

"H…hey…what about me?" Kai was feeling left out. "Come on, let me in on some of this! Group hug!" He threw himself onto the pair, ignoring their cries of protest.

"Kai, are you alriiii…" Saya came dashing onto the scene, saw Kai and the other two men in a heap, froze, and slooooowly began backing away.

"This isn't what you think!" Kai called after her. "You're still first on my 'to do' list! A-ha! Get it? 'To do' list? Not 'do' as in some sort of action, but 'do' as in fu-"

"Kai," Karman croaked just in time, "give this to Lulu." He held out his spear, which Kai took from him. "And also…tell her…_this_…" He weakly lifted his middle finger.

"Can do," Kai nodded in understanding. Moses smiled at him.

"Take care of Lulu, Kai." He said gently. "Let's go, Karman."

And just like that, the two Schiff disappeared in a gust of wind. Kai stood there for several seconds, shocked and feeling a bit empty inside.

"M…Moses?" Kai called into the breeze. "I thought what we had was _speciaaaaal_!"

-Elsewhere-

The sun was beginning to set in New York City, the day winding to a close. Moses and Karman stood at the edge of a river, a large bridge in the background, and an orange glow surrounding the pair. Karman was losing his strength quickly, still injured from the spike to the chest and the steadily worsening Thorn not helping much.

"Moses…please…" Karman whispered, gripping his friend's arm. "Help me with this…one…last…task…"

"Um, actually," Moses coughed, "I got some laundry to do-"

"JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME!!"

"Okay, okay! Quit bitchin'!" Moses helped his friend to his feet, and together they faced the sun. Wait…they're not going to…oh my God they ARE! Both lifted their arms and took hold of their hoods, then looked at each other one last time.

"Let's die together," Karman said. "…You first."

"No, _you_!" Moses snapped. "_You're_ the one dieing from the Thorn anyway!"

"Fine, let's do it at the same time," Karman huffed. Moses nodded.

"Okay, on three. One…two…three!"

Neither of them moved.

"What the hell, man?!" Karman growled. "You gonna die with me or what?!

"Shut up, I just wasn't ready yet!" Moses argued back. "Let's try again. One…two…three!"

Again neither of them moved.

"Will you make up your mind?!"

"I didn't know if you wanted to go on one or three!"

"Three, of course! Come on! Let's try-"

"Oh, for goodness sakes, just die already!" An elderly hobo shambled over toward them, yanking back their hoods before they could protest. Moses and Karman immediately burst into blue flames, crumbling into dust and blowing away with the wind. "…Stupid kids…" the hobo muttered, wandering away.

-Back With Saya-

Back at the apartment, Kai had returned, toting Moses and Karman's abandoned weapons. Setting them on the table, he cleared his throat and turned to Lulu, who gazed up at him hopefully.

"Well, seeing as David isn't here," Kai stated, "I suppose the responsibility falls to me to have to tell you that…" he paused, placing his hands on Lulu's shoulders and looking her in the eye. "THEY'RE DEAD!!"

"_IIEEEEEEEEEK_!" Lulu screamed.

"You're friends are dead!" Kai continued. "Dead! Gone forever, never coming back! Never ever EVER!"

Lulu continued to scream, now crying as well. Saya decided to try and cheer her up, walking up to her side and patting her shoulder.

"Aw, here. Have some nachos."

-Episode 45 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Geez, this one's a bit longer than normal. Oh, well, this series is almost done so I don't really care if it's too lengthy anymore. I just wanna finish! Say goodbye to one-eyed Schiff Moses and a-hole Karman! Too bad, huh? Hopefully David will come back and more than fill in for them. Hope you liked this! Review, please!


	46. 46: May the Weather be Fine Tomorrow

Author's Note: Horray, one episode closer to the finale! I'm getting more and more excited! I can see the finish line in the distance! Here we go! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 46

May the Weather Be Fine Tomorrow

_CHOO-CHOOOOOO_!

A long, old-fashioned trained wailed as it chugged along the tracks, hauling car after car of passengers in its wake. Steam (or coal or whatever) gushed from its smoke stack, winding behind it like a black snake. Inside one of the many cars, Saya and Haji, dressed in their old clothes they wore years before, sat reading, the countryside zooming by through the window beside them. After a few minutes of silence, Haji finally glanced up from his Playboy and frowned at Saya.

"Hey, Saya…" he began awkwardly. "What's with this scene? Is it, like, a flashback or something?" Saya looked up from her Chicken's Soup for Chiropteran Queens book and raised an eyebrow.

"Gee, whaddaya _think_, Haji?" She drawled. Haji shrugged.

"You naked on a bearskin rug?"

"Correction, _don't_ think," Saya sighed and closed her magazine. "Yes, this is a flashback. Look at our clothes." Again Haji shrugged.

"I…I thought we were making a fashion statement."

"Look at my hair." Saya pointed out, as it was long and luxurious, not short as before (or after? Confusing!!).

"Hey, it _could_ be a weave, girlfriend."

Saya paused.

"_Your_ hair?" She stressed.

Haji scowled, then slowly raised a hand and gingerly touched his hair. Immediately his eyes went wide and he gasped in amazement.

"Oh my God, it IS a flashback!" He squealed. "I can run my fingers through it and everything! It's like petting a Unicorn's ASS!"

"Good, now you understand." Saya cleared her throat and sat up straighter. Whipping up some fresh tears, she began her heartfelt apology. "Haji…I'm SO sorry. What happened at the Zoo was my fault. Chiropterans like me and Diva shouldn't exist. We-"

"Let's open a window and get some wind-action with my lovely locks!" Haji sprang from his seat and began wrestling with the nearby window.

"Dammit, Haji! Listen to me!" Saya snapped. Haji obeyed, slowly turning his head and looking over his shoulder at her. "I'll make this short so your mind doesn't wander," she continued. "I want you to promise-"

_Bang_!

Haji wrenched open the window, sending a vortex of wind into the room comparable to an EF 3 tornado. Saya shrieked and struggled to stay in her seat. Haji didn't seem to mind at all.

"Ooh, look how they wave and glisten! I could do a Pantene Pro-V commercial!"

"That's it!" Saya leapt up for her seat, strode forward, and pushed Haji out the window.

"My hair still looks _greaaaaaaaat_!" He called as he fell. Saya tossed her head, closed the window, and sat back down, opening up her book again.

"Your chevalier will most likely be stupid and perverted," she read aloud, then snorted. "Check and mate, bitch."

-Back to the Present!-

Joy, the flashback's over! Back in present-time, the day had begun, and a certain someone was having trouble getting on their feet. Solomon, still in the apartment in which he attempted to seduce Saya, lay on the couch, surrounded by dozens of used tissues and emptied gallons of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream. Let's just say he's feeling a little down.

"How can I go on living without you, Saya?" He sniffled, blowing his nose and taking another bite of ice-cream. He glanced at the wide-screen TV across from him and brightened. "Oh, yeah. The Real World." Grabbing the remote, he flipped the tube on and began watching the stupidity unravel.

"Man, you're pathetic," a voice beside him giggled. Solomon jumped in fright upon finding Nathan sitting next to him on the couch, enjoying some ice-cream as well. "You should at least watch Project Runway!"

"_Eeekmalerape_!" Solomon squeaked, inching away from the homosexual. Nathan raised a prime eyebrow.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he stated, putting down the frozen treat. "You want to come see Diva's kids?"

Solomon frowned, torn.

"Hmm…see Diva's children…or filthy booze-filled whores? Choices…" He looked between the TV and Nathan several times, debating inwardly. "I'll go after the next drunken brawl."

"What 'next'? They're _always_ having a drunken brawl! Get you cute ass up."

-Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the city, Saya and Haji sat in the street, watching a small gang of children run around shrieking as they played soccer. Saya glanced at Haji, a pang of guilt hitting her, and decided to speak up.

"Haji," she began, "I'm sorry for everything. You've been getting hurt, especially run-through with pointed objects, and carrying painful thoughts for my sake. Please, Haji…promise to-"

_Ka-Thwack_!

Suddenly the soccerball can flying out of nowhere, clocking Saya on the noggin and knocking her back. She was back up in an instant, the busted ball in one hand and her sword in the other.

"HEY!! Which one of you twots kicked that?!"

The children cowered in fear, several pissing their pants right then and there.

"Aww, you're so good with kids!" Haji gushed.

"Shut up!!"

From high up above, in the apartment used as headquarters, Mao leaned out the window, using the excuse of watering the plants to spy on Saya and Haji. Not noticing she was horribly over-watering them, she growled at the plants, which shivered in fright.

"Drink, you sons of bitches!" She hissed. "Drink! That's all you do anyway!"

Suddenly a door popped open and Kai shambled out, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and yawning. Mao gasped, dropped the canteen of water (which fell out the window and struck Saya's head ("Owch! Okay, NOW you brats are in for it!!" "Saya, NO!") and skipped over to Kai.

"Hey, Kai! You confess your love to Saya yet?" She asked sweetly.

"Uh, _yeah_, like a half-a-million times," Kai snorted. "I even sent her a dozen roses, but she mailed them right back to me." He paused. "Without their heads." Another pause. "With pictures of Haji eating them."

"Hmm…I can see how that could be discouraging," Mao muttered, then held out a six-foot long roll of paper. "Here, go shopping for me."

"God, what is this, the Bhagavad-_Gita_?!" Kai sputtered, looking at the extremely lengthy list in disbelief.

"Just GO!" Mao shoved him out the door. After tumbling down the stairwell, he stood, brushed himself off, and opened the front door to go out into the street. Saya and Haji sat on the outside steps, holding hands. Upon seeing Kai, Saya tried pulling her hand free, but Haji had a vice-like grip on it and refused to let go.

"Let go!" Saya whispered. Haji shook his head fiercely.

"I don't WANT to," he hissed back, then shot a seething glare at Kai, who scowled.

"Geez, can you two please stop _bleep_ing on the front step?" He asked contemptuously. "It's gross and inappropriate. Unless I can join in, then it's cool."

"What do you want?" Saya asked firmly, finally freeing her appendage from Haji.

"I gotta go shopping down town." Kai help up the lengthy list. "Wanna come with?"

"N-"

"I'll buy you ice-cream."

"-eeeever thought you'd ask!" Saya finished, hopping to her feet. Haji immediately stood to follow her, but Mao appeared in the doorway, a bell dangling from her hand.

"Oh, no you don't! Sit!" She rang the bell. Haji sat. "Roll over!" She rang it again. Haji rolled over. Mao patted his head. "I'll be borrowing him, okay Saya?" Saya shrugged. "I have something for you!" Mao smiled fiendishly at Haji, making him shudder. "I just happen to need a pair of _manly_ hands."

Haji stared at her, disgust and alarm clear on his face.

"Saya, don't leave me alone with her!" He pleaded, turning to find Saya…

Already gone.

"Mother-_fu_-"

-With Saya and Kai-

Kai and Saya had walked into the busy down town area of New York City, descending into a subway and awaiting the train to arrive. Kai took the list back out to get a good look at it.

"Hmm, let's see what Mao wants," he muttered, unraveling the paper. His eyes popped open as he read things like 'one large bag of sister lovin',' and 'a pound of incest'. "Damn that ho!"

"What?"

"I said let's go! Train's here!" Kai seized Saya's hand and dragged her onto the subway that'd just rolled up. The two stood there for a few seconds until Kai spoke up, ruining the moment. "_Loooook_, we're holding _haaaaands_!"

"Get offa me!"

_Smack_!

-Back at the Apartment-

Haji grumbled and swore to himself, tottering on the top of an irresponsibly tall ladder as he struggled with a lightbulb, trying to unscrew the tricky instrument from its nesting place. Mao and Lulu stood at the bottom, watching with amusement and taunts.

"Hey, Lulu!" Mao suddenly snickered, "how many Mao's does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?" She paused. "None, because I can just make Haji do it! _Bwahahahaha_!!" Lulu joined in the laughter, and Haji craned his neck down to glare at the two girls.

"How about you two shut the _fu_-"

_Bzzzzzzrt_!

Haji crashed down from the ladder, black and smoking from the electrical charge that surged through his finger from the lightbulb socket. Mao smirked and nudged him with a toe.

"That was God telling you _we're_ right."

Upstairs, in the living room, a meeting of more importance but the same amount of stupidity was being held. Okamura was sitting in front of the tube, browsing the channels for any info (and boobies), while Louis and Joel sat at the kitchen table with David (he's BACK!) and Julia sat on her man's lap.

"Are you rested?" Julia asked worriedly, straightening his tie. "Are you hungry?"

"You know I don't eat," David replied.

"I was talking about myself, honey, because I'm craving some _man_-"

"Julia, put your clothes back on," Okamura stated without having to turn around.

"Hell, I don't mind." Louis snorted. Julia sighed and covered herself up because this story is rated Teen.

"How is it?" Joel asked David, leaning forward in his wheelchair.

"A lot more uncomfortable than I thought it'd be," Julia answered, shifting her booty around on David's lap. "Probably because of all the bones."

"That's not what I meant," Joel stated. "I was talking to David."

"It's soft," David returned. "Like having a warm marshmallow with breasts sit on my lap."

"…I didn't mean that either," Joel sighed. "Look, can we just _please_ get this meeting underway? I have an appointment to get my legs waxed." Everyone stared at him. "Hey, they may not move, but they're still damn _sexy_!"

"Everyone, look!" Okamura suddenly gasped. Everyone turned to regard the television, where a report of more chiropteran breakouts was occurring. A videotape showed incriminating evidence of Corpse Corps soldiers dispatching chiropterans as a reporter spoke off-screen.

"Another outbreak of SZN (what they call turning into chiropterans) has occurred in the city," the voice informed. "Officials have stated that this is just another form of puberty, and the rending of precious friends and family and the devouring of their entrails is perfectly normal. So is hair on your balls. Back to you!"

"This is getting serious," Okamura muttered, eyes glued to the screen.

"Hey, guys?" Louis asked nervously. "I…I think I might have SZN, too…"

"Don't tell me you actually _believe_ them?!"

-Elsewhere at the Moment-

In another part of the city, in an important-looking government building, a meeting was being held between important-looking people- hold up. Conda Liza's back? And so is Frenchy?! Forget it, it's not a meeting between important-lookin' peeps, it's a meeting of idiots! Let's tune in and hear what they have to say.

"Hee hee, we are evil, we will use the chiropterans and Corpse Corps to control the world," Liza was giggling, rubbing her hands together as all maniacal villains does. Mr. Argeno was twirling an imaginary mustache and giggling as well. An old man sat between the two of them, oddly keeping silent. Who the hell is this guy? He's not funny.

"T…tap-dancing?"

Oh, he's the tap-dancing dumbass. Hurry up, someone burn the building down while these three idiots are in there! Let's just say their 'meeting' is really effing boring and stupid, so instead of going into detail I'll just say they had a tea-party. Moving on!

-Back at the Apartment-

"And so, to sum it all up," David was explaining to his comrades, "Cinq Fleches (evil organization) is feeding everyone in the world with their food (evil candy-bars) so that they'll turn into monsters (evil chiropterans). Everyone understand?" He stopped, glancing around at everyone.

"Candy-bars…those sick _shits_…" Louis whispered to himself.

"Julia," Joel turned to the busty professor. "What's the estimated chance of mutation for the people who've eaten the contaminated food?"

"Let's see…" Julia did some quick calculations in her head and came up with an answer. "Three percent."

"Okay, so that means…" Louis's face scrunched up as he gave the calculations a whirl. "…There'll be…_five_ chiropterans?"

"Mo' like 20,000!" Okamura snorted from the couch.

"Hey, I was close!" Louis protested.

"No you were-"

"Shut up, foo!" Louis whipped some cheeto's at him to shut him up.

"There's a factor we haven't included yet," Julia interrupted. "Something that will make everyone turn into chiropterans at once." She paused dramatically. "_Diva's singing_."

A tense silence filled the room.

"…She really that bad?"

-With Diva-

Diva, at the moment, was doing just as Julia said, singing. She walked around the garden in the back of their new mansion, belting out her newest favorite song, Milkshake, by Kelis.

"_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than yours! I could teach you, but I'd have to charge! My milkshake_-"

"Diva, what did we say about singing dirty songs?" Nathan asked sternly, appearing on the lawn. "You have to wait until I'm here so _I_ can join in!" Solomon stood at his side, still disheveled and looking a bit sad. Nathan nudged his shoulder and pointed at a large basket sitting on the ground. Solomon leaned over and peered inside.

Nestled in the basket were two large cocoons, Diva's children, having finally been born.

"That one's a girl!" Nathan tittered, pointing. Solomon scowled.

"How can you tell?"

"Because it's got a bow, duh!"

"Aren't they _both_ girls?"

"Well…yes," Nathan admitted. "I suppose the one without a bow'll be the butch one, like Saya!

"Oh, and that one will be the psycho bitch?"

"Yup!"

"…Look, it's Cher!" Solomon suddenly cried, gasping and pointing to the left.

"WHERE?!" Nathan whirled around, and Solomon dashed past him.

"Die, Diva!" Solomon snarled, arm morphing into a blade and charging her. Diva smiled.

-Haji Update!-

Let's see how Haji's fairing under the grip of Mao. He now stood beside Lulu, both awaiting new orders from their commander-in-chief.

"What should we do next, Miss Mao?" Lulu asked politely. Mao thought for a moment.

"Unclog the toilets," she ordered. "Use Haji as the plunger."

"Aye-aye, commander!" Lulu saluted, then began herding Haji toward the bathroom area.

"My hair will never be the same again!" Haji sniffled in despair. "Saya, where ARE you?"

-With Saya-

Saya, at the moment, was with Kai in town, buying…what was it again? Oh, who cares. As she and her half-brother/love interest walked down the street, a baseball came whizzing through the air and struck her temple. Saya staggered, dropped her bags, and whirled around on the kids.

"You brats just don't know when to _quit_!" She growled, drawing her blade and rushing the children.

"Okay, break time!" Kai said hurriedly, grabbing Saya by the arm and dragging her over to a bench to rest. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Kai's brain began kicking in and he began talking.

"You know," he said thoughtfully, "I'll never forget all those who helped us. Irene, and…Mustafa? Was that his name? And…that a-hole with the glasses…started with a 'K'…anyway, there was him, then…_Irene_…and…" He was silent for a moment, then blinked and looked up at Saya. "What were we talking about again?"

"I'll never forget, either," Saya agreed with him. "But there's something even more important that I mustn't _ever_ forget."

"What, like, record America's Next Top Model or something?"

"Well, yeah, that too," Saya admitted with a cough. "Now enough of this touchy-feely crap! Let's get back to shopping!" She grabbed Kai's hand and began dragging him off. He once again chose to ruin the moment.

"_Looook_, we're holding _haaaaands_ again-"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?!"

What followed next just happened to be the _gayest_ montage in all of anime. It's pretty much the gay-equivalent of Solomon's love-speech. Seriously. It's that bad. The two of them went all over the city, shopping and chatting as they went. Saya stopped at a store and bought some sexy black panties. Kai frowned and looked at the list.

"Mao asked for those?"

"Heck, no!" Saya snorted, paying the cashier. "These babies are for me! Mao'll have to live with some granny panties or something, I don't care!"

Next the pair watched a performance by a creepy clown (I don't care what anyone says, clowns are _bleep_ing scary! Don't trust their smiling faces!!) in the park, then went to another store, buying a small pink key- wait. What the eff? A pink key? What the HELL are they getting a pink key for? How does that fit into their day of frolic and general merriment?! Oh, forget it! Change the damn scene already!!

-With Diva-

"Die, Diva!" Solomon snarled, arm morphing into a blade and charging her. Diva smiled.

"Alright, lock his ass _up_!" A social services rep cried, appearing from the bushes with several police officers in tow. "He tried to hit the little girl, did you see that? That's attempted child abuse, mister! You're goin' away for a looong time!" Solomon struggled as the police officers slapped cuffs on him.

"No, wait!" He cried. "She's not a kid! She's, like, 500 friggin' years old!"

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge."

"No, stop! I can't go to jail! I'm too pretty! They'll butt-rape me!" Solomon stopped his struggles upon catching sight of Nathan waving and winking at him. "…On second thought, how bad can being someone's bitch be? Let's go!" As the crowd passed by Diva and her babies, one of the officers glanced into the basket and shuddered.

"Those are gonna be some _huge_ spider-babies…" He muttered.

_Clonk_!

"Watch your head."

"Well," Diva giggled now that the excitement was over, "me and the babies are gonna go take a bath!" She dragged the hefty basket away into the yard, where she sprayed the cocoons with a high-pressure garden hose.

"Make sure to get behind the ears!" Nathan called.

-Back at the Apartment-

The meeting between the survivors of Red Shield was still being held, with Julia attempting to explain to her retarded male comrades ("Hey, guys! I just ripped one! Smell it!" "Eww, it smells like tacos! Hahaha!") the gravity of the situation.

"Listen to me!" Julia barked, smacking the table top with a hand. The men instantly quieted and gave her (or rather, her breasts) their attention. "Okay, remember Diva's concert? People there who'd eat candy bars-"

"Sick shits!" Louis whispered fiercely.

"-were triggered by Diva's singing and mutated into chiropterans," Julia went on, ignoring the interruption. "In other words, those people _needed_ to hear Diva's singing at the live performance so they could sense her presence, otherwise they wouldn't mutate."

"Kinda like a Madonna concert, eh?" Okamura cracked. David cracked his head _open_. "Great to have ya back!" Okamura said weakly, holding his bleeding head.

"Now we'll compute the probability of mutation triggered by Diva's singing…" Julia began typing away on her computer, calculating.

"Hold up! I got this!" Louis whipped out a calculator and began trying to find the solution himself. "Let's see…divide the integers…multiple the variables…and…so, that means…there'll be…300 _billion_ chiropterans!" He put down the calculator and beamed proudly.

"Louis, just stop, okay?" David stressed, confiscating the calculator. "Someone give him some food or something."

"Hey!" Louis cried indignantly. "Just because I'm fat does NOT mean that- _Ooh_! Ding-dong!!"

"The probability could mean one-hundred percent," Julia reported, sighing heavily and looking up from her computer screen. "This means that one in thirty of the infected people would mutate, meaning _two billion_ people will turn into chiropterans when Diva sings to them live on satellite."

Everyone stared at her in horrified awe.

"Can…can you see my tits again or something?"

"Naw, you're just _really_ freaking us out."

"This joke is getting old!" Julia complained.

Shh! I _have_ to fill up ten pages, bitch!

"That's terrible news!!" Mao cried, popping out of thin air. Everyone shrieked in fear and drew away, then saw it was Mao and calmed down.

"Aww, it's just Mao," they muttered, turning away. "We thought it was someone _important_."

"Dammit, _listen_ to me when I'm talking!" Mao hissed.

"Someone give her some money or something," David muttered.

"Hey!" Mao cried indignantly. "Just because I'm a bitch does NOT mean that- _Ooh_! A fifty!" She grabbed the bill and began snuggling with it happily.

-With Saya-

Saya and Kai, at the moment, were just finishing up their shopping spree, riding a gondola (not like the ones in Venice, a metal-carriage one that goes on a rope up a hill or whatever) through the city, which was beautifully illuminated in the orange sunset. Kai, encouraged by the romantic atmosphere, inched closer and closer to Saya, then made his move.

"Saya," he said suddenly. She looked at him. "When this is all over, I'm going back home to re-open dad's man-whore-shop. And…I want you…to come with me." He held out the pink key from earlier, which I suppose is a copy of the key to the shop.

"K…Kai…" Saya was at a loss for words. Finally some came. "Look, boobies!"

"Where?!" Kai whirled around, and Saya immediately jumped forward and, as she'd done to Haji many years before, shoved him out the window. "Phew!" She turned away, wiping her brow. "Close one!"

-_Aaaaand_ Back to the Apartment-

"We'll have to make Saya kill Diva," David said gravely, addressing his fellow comrades. "There's no other plan that'll work against Diva."

"Hey, she isn't a robot!" Mao snapped. "That's _my_ department! _I'm_ the one without feelings or a soul! She-"

"She'll do it." Everyone turned to see Haji standing in the doorway, a serious look on his face. "Saya will fight. Just…just tell her that Diva called her fat or something."

"Gotcha." David whipped out a pad of paper and wrote a note. "Diva…called her…fat."

-Flashback _Agaaaaain_!-

Horray, another flashback of the same scene as the beginning, only a few minutes have passed. Saya still reclined in her seat, Haji sitting across from her, covered in bruises and dirt. Saya met his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Haji," she said, "listen carefully. Will you please promise to-"

"Sex you up?" Haji prompted.

"No."

"Make out with you?"

"No!"

"Feel your boobies a little? Hit on you? Come on, anything?"

"NO! I want you to KILL me when this is all over!!" Saya exploded.

"Oh." Haji blinked and sat back. "Um…okay. I promise."

There was a brief silence.

"Seriously, though. You gonna give me a lil' some before I have to kill you?"

"Don't make me throw you off this train again, Haji."

-Episode 46 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Yay, done! This one, again, is a little bit longer than usual, but hey, I had a bunch of jokes and wanted to use them all. So enjoy! See you next time! Review, please!


	47. Episode 47: Beyond the Bounds of Blood

Author's Note: Uh-oh! This episode is bad news for all you Solomon lovers! Or should I say…you _one_ Solomon lover? A-ha-HA. …Sorry. Anyway, yeah, he's in deep doo-doo, keep reading to learn more! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 47

Beyond the Bounds of Blood

Far away from where Saya and the rest of her helpers were, in the sunny city of Okinawa, Japan, a borderline-lesbian friend we all know and love was walking home from school. Kaori stopped suddenly, looking to her left and gazing sadly at the empty Omoro's, the store where Saya and her siblings had lived with George, who regularly sold himself.

"I wonder where everyone is…" Kaori said softly. She gazed at the store for several more moments before scuttling up to the front door. "I'll just plant a few more bugs and cameras, just in case." She set to work picking the lock.

Elsewhere in Japan, Okamura's temperamental (aw, hell, bitchy) mother continued to lay in bed in the back, off-screen. She muttered and mumbled about her son, as she always did, whether he was there or not.

"Damn that chain-smoking skuzz-bucket!" She growled to herself. "I squeeze him outta my vagina and _nothing_! No contact in months! No letters, not even a stinking postcard to tell me how he's doing!" She went quiet for a moment. "Dear God please let him be dead. Only then can I rest in peace."

On the TV screen behind the rambling mother's bed, a commercial was playing. But it wasn't any ordinary commercial. Oh, no, it was…

Billy Maye's Oxyclean! _GAAAAHHH_!

Naw, just kidding. It was a commercial for an upcoming concert by Diva. This is the concert everyone's talking about – this is when she'll sing and awaken all those 300 billion chiropterans or whatever. Eeek!

-At the Apartment in New York-

Hundreds of miles away, in the busy city of New York, the remnants of Red Shield were holding yet another meeting, planning on what to do against the evil known as Diva. Everyone stood around the kitchen table, a large map spread out before them.

"We're going to plant a bomb at this antenna here," David informed the others, pointing at a certain location on the map. Okamura snickered.

"What, is there an Ashley Simpson concert going on there?"

David back-handed him.

"We used that joke, like, forty episodes ago," the skinny man growled. "If you don't have anything new to say then shut the _bleep_ up."

Okamura whimpered to himself, rubbing his cheek, then attempted to light a cigarette, but stopped short at Mao's medusa glare.

"Light it, and it goes straight up your urethra." She hissed dangerously. "And that's your _pee-pee_ hole!"

Okamura gulped and settled for a stick of chewing gum instead.

"We'll be split into teams," David went on. "The New York cell will be me, Louis, Kai, and you." He pointed at Okamura, who choked on the gum before swallowing it.

"Me? I get to go?" A silly grin split his face as he whirled around to face Louis. "Aw, yeah! Teammates forever, _whoop_!" He held up his hand to be slapped, but Louis didn't move. "That's cold like ice, brutha," Okamura lowered his appendage. "So, what'll we play in place of Diva once the satellite's taken out?" He directed this question at David.

"Ashley Simpson," David shot back, still a bit miffed from the old joke thing.

"Grow up, man! I said I was sorry!"

"…No you didn't."

In one of the bedrooms of the apartment, Saya stirred. Slowly opening an eye, she looked beside her and found…

Haji, laying in the bed next to her. Saya didn't even blink.

"What, nothing?" Haji asked, disappointed.

"Oh, believe me, I'm used to it by now," Saya stated, sitting up in bed. She yawned, stretched, and struggled to rise. Haji watched her, worry on his face.

"You can't fight like this," he argued. "That's why you need…Five Hour Energy!" He held up a small red bottle and smiled at the camera. "Energy without the debilitating crash afterwards! Only 9.95 when you order no-"

"I'm not drinking that crap!" Saya snapped, knocking the bottle out of his hands.

"Sheesh, _someone's_ grumpy!" Haji sniffed, then smiled again at the camera. "You mustn't be getting…Folger's coffee! The best part of waking up, is Folger's in your _cuuup_!"

"Will you stop it with the damn commercials already?!" Saya flung her pillow at him. "I have to do this, no matter what condition I'm in. I have to defeat Diva and finish this endless bullcrap!"

"Have you told him yet?" Haji asked in a quiet voice. "That…we're preg-"

"Keep dreaming, Haji."

"Oh, fine." Haji tossed his head. "Have you told Kai I'm supposed to kill you after all this? It's not fair to him, you know." Saya stared at him in shock and awe, confusion warping her features.

"Okay, what the _hell_ is wrong with you?" She finally asked. "Why are you _helping_ Kai?"

"I…don't…KNOW!" Haji struggled to answer. "Help me," he begged in a small voice. "I'm scared."

"So am I." Saya inched away from her chevalier. "But anyway, we have no choice. We must fight." She went quiet for a while, then looked at Haji, tears in her eyes. "Hey…tell me…tell me to 'fight', Haji. Please."

"Alright." Haji took a deep breath. "Have sex with Haji."

"What the _bleep_ was I thinking, asking you?" Saya sighed. "Forget it." She pulled out a tape recorder and hit 'play'. Immediately Haji's voice from one of the many previous episodes spoke.

"_Saya…fight. Saya…fight_."

"There we go. Much better." Saya smirked at Haji, raising a brow. "Gee, it's almost as if I don't even need you anymore."

Haji glared daggers at the offending tape recorder.

"Just you wait," he hissed. "Just…you…_wait_."

Down in the kitchen, Mao was busy packing food for the excursion while Kai pretended to be helping. Mao grabbed an orange and frowned.

"Don't you want any fruit?" She asked.

"Naw, don't like fruit," Kai replied.

"But they're full of poiso- er, Vitamin C!"

"Scurvy is mah best friend, bi-otch!" Kai snorted.

"_You're_ a bi-otch!" Mao shot back just as Saya entered the room.

"Excuse me?!"

"I was talking to Kai."

"Oh. Carry on, then." Saya went to the sink and began pouring some cereal into a bowl. Kai wandered to her side, looking worried.

"You awake?" He asked.

"_No_, Kai," Saya drawled, "I'm sleep-walking right now. And sleep-_talking_, too."

"Woooow! Amazing!" Kai stared at her for several moments, then attempted to place one of her hands in some warm water.

"Get offa me! I'm awake, dumbass!"

"Kai, time to go!" Okamura called from the hall, gesturing. Kai waved back, then gave Saya one last glance.

"Ain't there…something you wanna tell me before I leave?" He asked softly.

"Yeah," Saya agreed, "_bleep_ off." She shoved him toward the exit.

"Love you, too!" Kai called over his shoulder, blowing her a kiss. Saya yelped, dodged to the left, and watched as the flower directly behind her withered and died.

"Wh…what the _fu_-"

"Hey, Saya," Mao slithered up to Saya's side. "You want some fruit?"

-Outside-

Just outside the crappy apartment, David and Louis were busy packing up the van with the supplies needed for the mission (okay, maybe the Playstation 3 and X-box 360 weren't vital, but they were still fun! Plus they needed a way to keep Kai quiet for six hours _other_ than killing him).

"Why can't I go?" Lulu whined, tugging at Louis's shirtsleeve. "Why not? Please let me come with you! _Please please pleaaaaase_?"

"For the last time, young lady, NO!" Louis growled, stern as a father on prom night. "And the next time you ask, I will smack the _black_ offa you!"

Lulu stared up at him dubiously.

"…You know what I mean!"

The load-up continued without a hitch, although there was one quite touching moment when Okamura suddenly broke from the other men and handed over his treasured camera to Mao, who blinked in surprise.

"Here, take care of it until I get back," he said gruffly.

"O…okay," Mao took the camera without protest or insult, which said quite a lot.

"It's very important," Okamura went on. "Plus I think it might have pictures of you picking your nose on it."

"You'd better get your ass in the van before I _break_ it!!" Mao roared, and Okamura wasted no time dashing to the van and diving inside.

"David!" David paused at the door, looking back over his shoulder to find Julia, dressed in a dark olden-days dress with a funny hat, gazing at him lovingly. "Come back to me…"

"Okay, this isn't Cold Mountain!" Mao snapped, then glanced at Julia's chest. "Although it is rather _mountainous_ terrain."

"Oh, lay off." Julia rolled her eyes. "I covered up, didn't I?"

With one final wave, everyone got into the van, doors slamming closed and engine starting up. The van nudged forward and began the long haul…or at least it _tried_ to. It just kinda _lurched_ forward, then backward, then forward again, tires screeching and engine revving. Apparently Kai was once again trying to learn how to drive stick.

"Press on the clutch, man! The clutch!" Louis barked.

"I _am_ pressing, fatass!" Kai snapped back. Finally the van went screaming off into the distance, everyone waving goodbye.

-At Diva's Mansion-

Meanwhile, back at Diva's extravagant abode, a poor soul was being kept prisoner in the dank bowels of the basement. And no, I'm not talking about Hilary Duff, even though I seriously haven't seen her on tv in, like, three years. Solomon, once Diva's chevalier, now Saya's stalker, hung suspended from the ceiling by chains, his once handsome face marred by scratches and bruises, his body bloodied and broken.

"This…would be…pretty _kinky_…if there was a girl…with a _whip_ somewhere around here," Solomon whispered weakly.

"Well, you're just gonna have to make do with me," James sneered, stepping out of the shadows.

"Oh, kill me now, Lord!" Solomon begged, but was given no response. "Okay, yeah, sorry. You're probably helping some over-weight hooker pick winning lotto numbers. My bad. I'll try again later."

_Smack_!

James suddenly stepped forward and slapped Solomon across the face.

"Ow!" Solomon squealed. "What the…you have to ask me a question first!"

"Oh." James cleared his throat. "What color underwear do I have on?"

"Uh…blue?"

_Smack_!

"Trick question!" James said smugly. "I'm not _wearing_ any underwear!"

"Okay, seriously, God," Solomon once again implored the heavens, "anytime now. I'm ready."

"I'm going to kill Saya," James told him. "I'll bring back her head. You can kiss the head of Iokanaan, as Salome did."

"…What?"

"You…you know," James attempted to explain, "the story of…okay, here, let me explain. Iokanaan and Salome were-" He stopped and scowled. "Wait, why am I telling you this? You're dead soon anyway. Later!" He turned and began walking into the shadowed hallway, laughing evilly all the while. "_AhahahaHAHAHAHA_- OWCH!" Scuffling sounds could be heard in the darkness, as well as stifled curses. "Mother-_bleep_ing rock! It tripped me!" James yanked out a nine and shot the offending stone six times. "Ow. Geez! I _really_ hurt my foot there. And it ruined my exit. _Dammit_!" Still muttering, he climbed the stairs of the basement and emerged outside the mansion.

"Going out?" A teasing voice asked.

"Yes, _mother_," James growled, eyeing Nathan warily. "Don't try to stop me."

"Oh, I won't," Nathan laughed. "Hmm? James-baby, your body…it smells like-"

"It's Axe body spray," James finished for him. "The damn white-boy part of me can't seem to get enough. And stop calling me James-baby!" So saying, he walked off through the garden, intent on finding Saya and killing her.

"Nathan," Amshel said heavily, appearing behind the gay man. "Have you…seen my…_mascara_?"

"Why do you always have to talk in that deep voice?" Nathan complained, tossing his hair. "I thought you had something important to say!"

"I…I do…my mascara…"

-With the Red Shield Boys-

The Red Shield Boys (which consisted of Kai, David, Louis, and Okamura), who I'll now be calling RSB for short, were now on a ferry chugging through the water as the sun set behind them in a brilliant orange glow. All four men stood by the railing of the ship, not because of a planned mass suicide, but because they were enjoying the view of the sunset. Okamura suddenly grunted, breaking the silence as he began talking about his late father.

"My dad was a photographer," he explained sadly. "He wasn't home much, and when he was, he'd usually ignore me and fight with my mom." He stopped, frowning. "Hold on…now that I'm remembering him…I _hated_ my dad. So why the hell did I become a photographer?!"

"Because the story called for one?" David shrugged, then joined in on the father-boasting. "Well, _my_ father was in the Vietnam war with George, as you all know. I wanted to know why he got injured to protect Saya, and why he entrusted her to George, so I joined Red Shield."

"…Meh. My dad was a man-whore," Kai stated from the side.

There was a brief silence. Everyone looked at Louis.

"What is this, the Vagina Monologues?" The black man snorted and turned away. "Count me out."

"Open up to us, Louis!" Kai cried. "We're here for you!"

"Yeah, we love you, Louis!" All three men crowded around him and wrapped him up in a smothering hug. Louis struggled violently, trying to get away.

"Hey! No! Stop that! Let go! My dad…! _My dad didn't love me!!_" Louis dissolved into tears as the other men continued to hug him and rub his back, uttering words of comfort and sympathy.

-Back at the Apartment-

Saya was sleeping. AGAIN. But this time it wasn't Haji creepily watching her as she slumbered. No! This time it was…Lulu!

"I wish _I_ could sleep," Lulu said wistfully, watching Saya breath in and out, eyes closed. "As a matter of fact, I wish I could _blink_. See?" She pointed at her wide, bloodshot eyes with large, dark bags beneath.

"I…hadn't noticed," Haji lied.

-And Back to the RSB!-

The RSB had departed from the ferry, driving in their van to a remote facility-type place with large satellite dishes and barbed wire fences. The van crept up a driveway and squeaked to a stop next to a tollbooth, where David showed the men there their fake ID's.

"Haha! Those idiots _believed_ us!" Kai snorted in laughter.

"KAI!" David growled, glaring back at him. "We haven't even gone _past_ yet."

Kai blinked, looked up, and stared right into the face of the frowing tollbooth operator.

"Oh. Uh…" He thought up something quick. "I have turrets. _Horse balls_!"

"Oh, alright then," the operator said pleasantly. "Move along." He handed David back the ID's and waved them through.

"_Stupid mother-bleeper_!"

"Enough, Kai!"

-Back in New York-

The city of New York was awash with color as the sun sank below the distant horizon. On a very big and busy bridge (I think it's supposed to be famous but I really suck at remembering those things), a lone figure stood atop one of the many spires. It was James, readying himself for the attack on Saya. He growled, bursting from his clothes in full Chiro-form, his iron-like skin gleaming in the fading sunlight, and bellowed aloud.

"Mooom, there's a weird monster on the bridge…"

"Shut up, honey. Can't you see mommy's trying to drive?"

-At Diva's Mansion-

Geez, we are jumping all over the place, aren't we? Hold on, I don't feel so good…I…I just threw up a little in my mouth…okay! At the moment, down in the dungeon-like abyss of the mansion's basement, Solomon was struggling against the chains that bound him, grunting from exertion and sweating.

"Must…scratch…ass!" He chocked out, yanking on the chains. "So…_itchy_!"

"_I'll_ scratch it for you!" Nathan came skipping out of the shadows.

"_Eeeek_! Now would be a _really_ great time, Lord!" Solomon begged. God once again chose to not answer his prayers. "I hate you. I really do."

"Aww, poor thing! You're all hurt!" Nathan cooed and brushed a hand against Solomon's bare chest, making him squeak in fear.

"Well, now I know how the container felt," he grumbled softly.

"What?"

"Nothing," Solomon rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't understand." Nathan shrugged and smiled up at Solomon mischievously.

"Please…show me the new tale of Salome, written by you, the one who is going through love." He said softly.

There was a short pause.

"Okay, someone's _really_ gonna have to explain this Salome story to me, because it is driving me _nuts_," Solomon stated.

"Oh, just hurry up and go save Saya, alright?" Nathan ignored him, instead breaking the chains holding his captive, freeing the poor boy and giving him some garments to cover himself with.

"Uh…" Solomon held up a shirt that looked like it belonged on the male ice-skating circuit. "I'm not wearing this."

"Aww, but it's so _cute_!"

-With the RSB Again-

Night had fallen over the satellite facility. Louis and Okamura, one team, snuck through the empty corridors and into a dark room filled with important-looking computers. Elsewhere in the building, Kai and David, another team, also snuck around, dressed in uniform and pretending to inspect things and taking notes on clipboards.

"Kai, quit drawing boobies and get to work."

"Yes, sir." Kai put his pen away and sighed.

Back in the other room, Louis grunted, attempting with all his might and girth to slip his arm behind one of the machines lining the wall. Okamura gave him a funny look.

"…The hell you _doing_, man?'

"I dropped my last potato chip back there!" Louis growled back, still twisting and straining. "I have to get it back!"

"Oh. I thought you were setting some device of ours back there."

"Who do you think we are, James Bond? Now help me out here!"

-_Aaaaand_, Once Again, Back to Saya-

Saya murmured and shifted in her sleep. Haji smiled in amusement, then paused. She was asleep. He was awake. Hmm…perhaps he could…steal…just one little kiss? He began leaning forward, not noticing the shadow looming from the nearby window.

_Crash_!!

Suddenly the window burst open, small spears shooting into the room, tearing it apart.

"I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry!" Haji wailed. "I won't do it again!!"

"It was me! _I_ did it!" James barked from the rooftop across the street.

"Oh." Haji stared over at the chiro-form James and blinked. "Well then I'll kick your ass!" Sprouting wings, the perverted chevalier leapt into the sky and dove at his opponent.

"Mooom-"

"That's it, brat! I'm giving you up for adoption if you don't quit!!"

Back inside the ruined bedroom, Lulu shook Saya violently, trying to wake her.

"Wake up! Wake UP!" Lulu screamed in her face. "Gawd, she's like a dead _body_! Come on, please wake up, Saya!"

"I got this!" Julia hustled into the room and cleared her throat. "Saya, breakfast is ready!!"

"Who? Wha? Breakfast?" Saya was instantly awake, looking around excitedly. Too bad for her all she could find was a chiro-James grinning in from the window. "That's _not_ a bagel!"

"I've come for your head, Iokanaan!" James chortled, starting to climb in.

There was an awkward silence.

"WHO?" Everyone asked.

"What, _none_ of you know the story?" James let loose a gusty sigh and settled back. "Alright, listen, the-"

"_Yaaaaah_!" Saya, blade drawn, tackled the monster, pushing them both out the window and into the air.

"Do you wanna hear the story or not?!" James snarled as they fell. Both landed safely in the street below, and the battle began. Or at least, _tried_ to being.

_Tink_!

"Not again!!" Saya nearly burst into frustrated tears. James just laughed and shot more tiny spear-things, which Haji blocked with an arm, protecting Saya.

"Owwie!" Haji winced as three of the spears stuck in his forearm. "These still count!" He began taking out his notepad, but Saya snatched it away before he could tally it down.

"Oh, don't be a baby," she growled. "They're in your arm, not your stomach!" Suddenly a huge spear-claw thing shot from James, running Haji through with a grotesque sound. "…Okay, now _that_ counts." Saya flipped open the pad and made a mark. "Eight!"

"Saya, look out!" Lulu screamed from above. James struck Saya from behind and sent her flying into a car's windshield, which splintered like a spider's web. Immediately a door to a nearby house opened, and an angry man in a bathrobe stormed out.

"Alright, which one of you little punks damaged my car?!" He demanded. "Damn hooligans!"

_ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAR_!

"Nevermind, I can walk! I need the exercise!" The man scooted back inside and slammed the door shut. James picked up Saya's dropped sword and advanced, meaning to kill the poor girl with her own weapon. Saya was unable to move and whimpered as the iron-skinned chiropteran closed in. He raised the sword and-

Was stopped by Solomon, who magically appeared! _Horray_!

"I SO could have done that," Haji sniffed. "I'm just _bloated_ today, what with this huge claw in my guts and all."

"Why are you saving her, Solomon?!" James roared in fury, then paused. "…And why are you wearing my clothes?" Indeed he was. The newly-freed chevalier was wearing a side-ways baseball cap, basketball jersey, and sneakers. He looked like he belonged in an Eminem music video.

"I…I had to steal from your wardrobe," Solomon explained. "The clothes Nathan offered me were a sin against man."

"You didn't even _ask_!"

"Hey, it was either this, or I turn into Brian Boytanno." Solomon cleared his throat and went on in a more serious tone. "Even if I don't get a reward-" Here he stopped and looked over his shoulder at Saya, whimpering. She shook her head. "Damn!" Solomon sighed and turned back to James. "Even if I don't get a reward, I _will_ be Saya's chevalier!" He tightened his grip on James's arm, causing him to grunt in pain and drop the sword. As the sword fell, the blade swung down, nicking Solomon on the chest. He ignored it, instead rushing to Saya's side so he could face James with her and Haji.

"Look at you!" James chortled. "Fighting for love and friendship! Are you a Saturday morning cartoon? Diva prefers hatred, betrayal, chaos, and a general _malaise_!" The chiro-man went quiet for a few moments, considering. "I don't suppose…there's room for one more?"

"_Nope_," Saya, Haji, and Solomon replied together, all jumping forward to accost him. James roared and beat them back, then went on the offensive. A large crack suddenly appeared in his forehead, stopping him short.

"What? What…is _this_?" More cracks appeared on his body, spreading along his arms and legs, front and back. Saya and her two man-slaves watched in horror as the monster was engulfed in the fiery red cracks.

"It's the Thorn!" Lulu gasped from above. "Payback's a bitch, huh?"

Saya smiled evilly and stepped toward James, sword raised.

"No…no wait, don't!" James begged, backing away. Too late.

_Tink_!

James crumbled instantly.

"Ha!" Haji stepped on one of the crystallized pieces of the rapper-wannabe. "That was God, telling you _we're_ right!"

"_Laaaaame_," Mao and Lulu sang. "You stole my line!"

"Shut up, freaky eyes! You too, skank!"

"Thanks for helping, Solomon," Saya said kindly. Solomon smiled and took her hand.

"Of course," he purred, giving the appendage a kiss. And another. And a little tongue.

"Okay," Saya said, trying to pull her hand back. "Okay, _okay_, o- OKAY!! HOLY CRAP!!" She yanked it away and wiped it on her skirt. "Geez, you just _raped_ my hand."

"Sorry, couldn't contain myself." Solomon brushed himself off and gave Saya a parting wave. "Well, I'm off. Later." He turned and began walking away, stopping every few feet to glance back hopefully at Saya, who kept shaking her head 'no'. Finally he walked around the corner, poked his head in one last time, got a shake, and disappeared.

"Good riddance," Haji snorted. Suddenly headlights cut through the darkness, and the van with the RSB skidded into view, driving up and _over_ James's crystallized corpse.

"Whoa, speed-bump!" Kai stated, putting the van in park. "Hey, Saya! You miss me?"

"NO."

-Elsewhere at the Moment-

Solomon stumbled through the dirty alleyways of New York city, feeling worse with each step. The nick he'd gotten from Saya's blade was enough to make his body begin to crystallize, and he didn't have much time left. It didn't make things better when Amshel stepped out of the shadows, eyes (and eyelashes) filled with contempt and pity.

"Amshel…I can at least…kill _you_ before I die!" Solomon surged toward him, hand-blade forming, but it was no use. His hand cracked and fell off, shattering on the ground like glass. As Solomon crumbled to the ground, he said with his last dying breath; "I never liked your eyelashes, brother…NEVEEEER…"

"…Fool." Amshel whispered softly.

At Diva's mansion, the spoiled Queen sat with Nathan, the two of them enjoying tea at that late hour.

"Now it's just me and Amshel," Nathan sighed. "And too bad, I don't think I can _ever_ turn him gay." (What, he never found out about the hot-tub scene?)

"So what?" Diva sniffed disdainfully. "I don't care about that rapper-wannabe. I'm better off without him." She turned to the cradle beside her and patted the twin cocoons. "All my life, there's only been people who kneel before me or people who try to kill me, but these children will give me…something _else_."

"Yeah," Nathan snorted into his cup. "It's called headaches."

-Epilogue-

"Man…good thing that's not the _real_ me down there!" Solomon whistled, watching his clone shatter and turn to red dust through the tv screen. "I really owe you one, huh?" He glanced over to a small, slight figure obscured by shadows.

"Excellent." The figure's eyes glowed red for an instant. "As promised, you shall be vice president of Mars after I conquer it."

Solomon waited expectantly.

"And you also get this as well," the figure finished, punching a button. A door slid up, revealing…

A clone of Saya, dressed in a sexy French Maid outfit.

"I live to serve you, my lord," she said to Solomon, bowing. Solomon grinned and pumped a fist in the air.

"Jackpot!" He cried. "I really owe you one, Riku."

"Oh," the evil boy genius replied, "don't mention it."

-Episode 47 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Okay, first off, thanks go out to OathkeeperRiku08, who suggested the ending with Solomon. It fits perfectly. Also, I had a whole lot of fun with this episode for some reason, especially with Kai. Now before I leave, let's have a moment of silence for the fallen rapper, Lil' J. …Okay, moment's done. Later! Review, please!


	48. Episode 48: Skyscraper Opera

Author's Note: I'm really closing in on the end, huh? Only two more episodes after this one! Dear GOD! I'll try my hardest to stay on schedule and make them extra-funny for you all! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 48

Skyscraper Opera

Finally, the time had come. After much anxious waiting and fingernail-biting, it had arrived. No, not the series finale of I Love Money, which is a horrendous show and all the contestants should be set on fire and thrown off cliffs, but something more relevant to the story and less puke-worthy.

It was time for Diva's opera.

The large opera hall where the concert would take place soon was abuzz with excitement, rich people in lavish dress milling around and chatting amiably. The entire building seemed to glow in the darkness of the night, the people completely unaware of their approaching doom. Among the bustling crowd of partygoers, a single slim figure sauntered through the lobby room, a hand on her hip, the other flicking the tail of the scarf around her neck over her shoulder.

"I _do_ declare, sir," Saya drawled, stopping to pose, "I am _ready_ fo' this!"

"…Having fun?" Haji asked, appearing at her side.

"Yes. Yes I am." Saya sniffled, then began to showcase her cute pink evening dress, white scarf, and gloves. "Don't I look adorable? Who said chiropterans can't be stylish?"

"You think _you're_ stylin'?" Haji snorted. "Check _me_ out, sister!" He did a full-360 turn, wiggling his ass as he went. "BAM! I'm an 11 on the Rictor scale, baby!"

"Why don't you take your hair down?" Saya asked. "You'd look nice."

"I _can't_."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Saya glanced away, her vision suddenly blurring as a wave of sleepiness washed over her. She swayed a bit, about to lose consciousness, when out of the corner of her eye-

She saw a haughty-looking woman wearing a _fox-fur_ coat. Saya snapped awake instantly.

"Animal killer!" She gasped aloud, rushing at the woman.

"Saya, no!"

"Saya, it's time to-" David stopped short, staring. The woman with the fur coat was on the floor, Saya looming above her with sword poised to strike, Haji just barely able to hold his mistress back. David scowled. "What are you _doing_?"

"What are _you_ doing?" Saya shot back. "Is that a _bowtie_ on your neck?"

"Yes, it is. It…it makes me look slimmer," David stated, fiddling with it.

"You don't _need_ to look slimmer! You want to disappear?"

"Oh, just shut it and let's go!" David grabbed hold of Saya and dragged her away. Haji followed afterward, leaving the fur-coat lady lying on the floor still confused.

"…What the hell just happened?"

-Elsewhere in the World-

Elsewhere in the world, lots and lots of people had their tv's on, awaiting Diva's concert to begin. Even Kaori, Saya's psycho-lesbian friend, was watching, sitting at the kitchen table at her home munching some snacks.

"K…Kaori?" A voice floated up from the basement. "It…it really stinks down here. And I'm _pretty_ sure the rats have found a way in."

"Shut UP, mom!" Kaori snarled back. "I'm watching tv! I'll throw you down some scraps later!"

At the apartment used for the survivors of Red Shield, Mao and Julia sat on the couch, also watching the tv and awaiting the show to begin.

"I wanna watch The Hills!" Mao stated, making a snatch at the remote.

"No!" Julia said firmly. "We have to see the concert! Don't you want to know what'll happen?"

"Yes," Mao admitted, "but I wanna know what happens on The Hills MORE."

"Well tough _bleep_!"

"You big-boobied witch!"

Other people, in America, Japan, Africa, _everywhere_, were all watching tv, awaiting Diva's show to begin. Hell, even some aliens were watching! …Okay, that last one is a lie, but you get the picture.

-Back in the Opera House-

Inside the opera house, the audience seats were packed, people murmuring and muttering as they waited. Up above, on one of the many mini-balconies, Amshel and Nathan looked out over the crowd, smirking evilly.

"Heh. Soon the curtain will raise to a new era!" Amshel chuckled to himself. Nathan simply pouted.

"I don't _want_ a world with just chiropterans," he whined. "There where will I shop and who will I date? Chiro-breath. _Gross_."

"WELL," Amshel said smarmily, "maybe if you'd stop being a Negative Nancy, you'd be able to see the positive side of the situation."

"…Did you just call me 'Nancy'?"

"Yeah, I _did_," Amshel growled. "Whatcha gon' do about it, twinkle-toes?"

"Geez, what is with you?" Nathan raised a brow at him. "Why are you all fired up?"

"Because this god-forsaken series is almost done," Amshel stressed, "and also I am _sick_ and _tired_ of you writing your phone-number on my underwear!! It is NOT sexy and I am NOT calling you!"

"Oh. That." Nathan giggled. "And speaking of underwear…" He sniffed at the air and made a face. "Pee-yu! _Someone_ needs a diaper change!" He turned to the side, where Diva's precious cocoons rested in a basket.

"I'm not even going to ask how that's possible," Amshel muttered as Nathan cooed and tickled the 'babies'.

"I'm gonna go down and watch the show with the kids," Nathan told him, standing up with the basket in his arms. "If you get lonely, you know what number to call." He winked and strode toward the door.

"You still owe me some new underwear!!" Amshel called as he left.

-Elsewhere in the Opera House-

Elsewhere in the Opera house, namely, on another of those mini-balcony things, Joel, Kai, Okamura, and David, all dressed up for the occasion, stood also waiting for the show to begin. Joel's eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Hey, down in front!" He suddenly yelled at the crowd.

"…But…you're two stories up," Kai stated in confusion.

"Oh, I know." Joel shrugged. "I just always wanted to say it."

"Okay." Kai paused. "And…why are you wearing tights and high-heels?" He stared at Joel's legs. "And please _God_ don't tell me that's a corset you have on under your jacket."

"Hey, it's just in case you guys need an act after you kill Diva." Joel winked. "The audience has to get their money's worth!"

"Mo' like a _refund_," Kai muttered to himself, turning away. Saya appeared in the doorway to the balcony, arms loaded with snack-food and mouth munching.

"Hey, guys, I-" She stopped dead, eyes glued to Kai and his slicked-back hair and dress clothes. "…KAI?"

"…Yes?"

"_Ahahahahahaha_!!" Saya couldn't help herself, and so burst out laughing. This, of course, caused her to begin to choke on her food, and Haji was forced to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on her to save her life. And continued to do it, just in case. "Okay, Haji, I'm good. Food's out. Okay, Haji, _okay_- OKAAAAAAY! GET THE _BLEEP_ OFFA ME!!" Saya threw her man-slave off and angrily brushed at her dress. "You wrinkled it, you bastard…" She finished adjusting her clothes and looked up at the others. "Anyway," she went on, "Diva will come. I can…_hear_ her. Hear…her _voice_…."

"S…sure you can," Kai said carefully, patting her shoulder. "You know they have pills for that nowadays?" He turned from Saya and looked Haji in the face. "Haji, we have to talk."

"…I love you too, muffin, but-" Haji began.

"NOW!!" Kai grabbed hold of Haji's arm and dragged him into the darkened hallway outside the balcony room. Once they were alone, Kai released his arm and whirled around to face him.

"Listen, I know how you feel about me," Haji started in a gentle voice, "but I like the _vagina_, so I'm sorry, but no." He paused for a moment. "I have mace."

"That's _not_ what I want to talk about," Kai ground out. "I want you to tell me what you're hiding about Saya!"

"Buh-"

"TELL ME!!" Kai grabbed Haji by the shirt and shook him. Haji immediately reciprocated by pulling out his mace and spraying Kai in the face with it.

"IEEEEEEEE!!" Kai fell to the ground, rolling and clawing at his eyes in agony.

"Hey, I _warned_ you."

-Outside the Opera House-

Outside the opera house, Louis and Lulu sat waiting in the Red Shield's van, awaiting the arrival of Diva and her minions. The two of them were quite bored, and Lulu now had her ear pressed up against Louis's tummy, insisting it was attempting to communicate with her.

"It's almost like it's trying to form _words_!" She whispered, eyes wide with awe.

"It's talking to me, too," Louis grunted. "It's saying, get this lil' white girl offa me and put a Philly-Cheese-Steak Sandwich in me."

"Ah! Look!" Lulu suddenly gasped and sat up straight, pointing at a limousine passing by. Through the tinted glass, the image of Diva, smiling evilly, could be seen. "She's here!!"

"David! David!!" Louis was on the radio in an instant. "They say we're in for a _long_ winter."

"…The…winter…long…_what_?" David asked in confusion.

"Oh, for goodness sakes, DIVA is HERE!!"

"Oh." There was a pause. "Well then why didn't you just say so?"

"Because talking in code is _so_ much cooler!"

"…No it isn't," Lulu stated quietly.

"That's it! You're in timeout, missy!" Louis barked.

"_Awww_!"

-Back Inside the Opera House-

"Diva is here!" David told the others. "We must make ready to-"

"Ohh, timeout!" Saya cut in, hopping from one foot to the other. "I really need to _tinkle_!"

"What? But…Diva…" David sighed. "Alright, fine. But make it quick!"

"Um…I kinda…gotta go, too," Okamura said sheepishly. David scowled.

"Okay, whoever has to go, go NOW!!"

Immediately Okamura and Saya (plus Kai and Haji out in the hall) headed toward the bathrooms, in need of relief.

"Bathroom break, Lulu!" Louis crackled over the radio. "Come on!"

"Thank God, I didn't think I could hold it any longer!" Lulu stated.

"SON of a-" David growled.

"Hey, can you help me with my adult diaper?" Joel asked him.

"-_BITCH_!!"

-Intermission…-

Several minutes later, after everyone had finished up with their business and returned to their places, David cleared his throat and turned to Saya, a serious look on his face.

"Saya," he told her, "we have the most indispensable weapon against Diva-"

"_Love_?" Saya asked dreamily.

"No," David corrected. "YOU. Now get out there!" He shoved her out the door of the balcony and into the hallway where Kai and Haji still stood. Saya regarded them warily.

"You two lovebirds done making out?" She asked.

"Why, does that turn you on?" Haji returned. "Because I'd _totally_ do it if it did."

"NO, thank you," Saya said firmly. Suddenly she noticed Kai staring at her in quite an inappropriate way for family members. He stepped toward her, and leaned forward to-

"Incest!"

Kai leapt backwards, looking flustered.

"Sorry, I sneezed," David said, poking his head out the door. "Come on, Kai. Time to go. Move it."

"Freakin' skinny a-hole ruined it…" Kai grumbled, moving to follow the man. Saya suddenly caught his arm, stopping him in surprise. "…Saya?" Plucking up his courage, he turned and leaned in for another try at a kiss.

SMACK!

Saya slapped him.

"What was that for?!" Kai bawled, holding his reddened face.

"It was long overdue," Saya stated, releasing his arm. "Let's go, Haji."

"One moment, please." Haji stepped forward and slapped Kai across the face as well, on the other cheek.

"OW!! Alright, you done now?" The abused boy huffed, cradling both cheeks.

"Almost." Haji kicked him in the crotch and took a deep breath. "Stay away from mah lay-day!!" He hissed as Kai crumpled to the floor. "…Alright, I'm good. Bye!" He turned to trot after Saya's disappearing form.

"I love you bastards too!" Kai said weakly, flipping them off as they left.

-Backstage-

As the crowd began getting impatient, Saya and Haji were slinking through the hallways of the opera house, heading toward the backstage area where Diva was. Finally the duo came upon a large room filled with lighting equipment and whatnot, obviously the backstage. As Saya searched here and there for any sign of her psychotic sister, a giggle from above caused her to look up and find that very sister (still in Riku-form, mind you) grinning down from the rafters.

"Saya, you came!" Diva snickered. "The glorious show is about to begin!"

"Umm…I can see your panties." Saya stated quietly.

"But…I'm wearing _shorts_," Diva stressed.

"No, you're wearing Dora the Explorer," Saya replied.

"Gaaah! I hate you!!" Diva finally leapt from the rafters, Saya dashing for her as she did. Immediately Diva smirked and began to croon a lullaby. "_Rock a-by baaaby…on the tree-tooop…_"

"Argh! Damn you!" Saya had to fight to stay awake. "Amshel taught you that, didn't he?!"

Haji suddenly gasped aloud, eyes glued to Diva's bottom eyelashes, which were quite different and more feminine than her usual ones.

"Wait a second…those lashes…you're _Amshel_!" He cried aloud. "But then where's Diva?!"

-On-stage-

Diva was onstage. The crowd oohed and aahed as the curtains finally rose, displaying a set that was obviously supposed to be the tower area where Diva had been imprisoned in her early life. From up above, a swing was lowered, bearing upon it Diva, in all her glory. Diva smiled and waved at the audience, wearing a quite silly-looking black dress with wings on the back and on her HEAD. I mean, seriously, what is she, cosplaying or something?

"_I_ designed it!" Nathan cried proudly, waving his arms.

Oh, believe me. We can TELL.

"Crap, Diva's onstage!" Joel gasped, gripping the balcony ledge. "But Saya was supposed to stop her!!"

"Ohh, this is gettin' _good_," Okamura stated, sitting down to enjoy the show.

"Dammit, Saya, I said you were our indispensable weapon!" David hissed to himself. "We might have to rely on love after all!" He then spoke into the radio. "Come in, Will! It's time!"

"…Will?" Louis asked over the line, voice crackling.

"Yeah, you know. MIB? Men In Black? Will Smith?" David paused. "Although you're more like _three_ of him."

"Oh yeah?! Well you're like _half_ of Tommy Lee Jones!" Louis shot back. "Hold on, I'm on it!" He began typing away furiously at his laptop.

Meanwhile, backstage (the scenes are gonna shift a lot from now on, so no more headers), Saya and Amshel (back in his normal bearded-but-still-a-bit-feminine-form) were locked in Mortal Kombat.

"Damn you! You tricked me!" Saya cried in outrage, swinging her sword at him. She stopped short and looked aghast. "Wait…then…those panties…"

"Please don't tell anyone, okay?" Amshel asked, blushing bashfully.

Back onstage, the theater had gotten dark, the audience quieting, a lone light shining on Diva. The chiropteran queen slowly stepped forward and opened her mouth to begin-

BAM! CRASH! BANG!

"Ow! You hit me!" Saya's voice floated in from backstage. "You hit me really _hard_!"

Diva frowned, then tried again to start.

SMASH!

"I'm not paying for that!"

"Oh yes you are! Do you have any idea how much that equipment cost?!"

"SHUT UP BACK THERE!!" Diva barked behind her. "Can't you at least kill her quietly, Amshel?!" She turned back to the audience, a sweet smile plastered on her face. Clearing her throat, the music began, and she sang. The crowd murmured in delight at her lovely voice, especially a group of sinister persons on one of the upper balconies.

"Splendid!" The important-looking man from previous episodes breathed, sitting with Mr. Argeno and the woman who looks remarkably like Conda Liza Rice. "When…will she start _tap_-dancing?"

"Oh, anytime now," Mr. Argeno replied sweetly. Beside him, Conda Liza groaned in pain and clutched her stomach. Apparently Diva's song was affecting her in some strange way…uh-oh! To help her distress, she began gulping down some Pepto Max. You're gonna need more than _that_ in a minute, hun.

Way back in Japan, Kaori's eyes widened in surprise when she saw Diva in Riku-form on the television. Sudden painful images of the small boy hitting her on the head with a shovel came flashing back, and she hissed and flinched away.

Diva continued to sing, the music swelling with her voice, as Okamura and Joel surveyed the audience from up above, searching for anyone who looked close to transforming into a chiropteran.

"Look, there!" Okamura gasped, pointing at a man groaning quietly and holding his head. Joel looked over in fright.

"Oh, no!"

"Oh, wait. He's just constipated." Okamura sat back in his chair. "My bad."

"Dammit, don't do that!" Joel grumbled. "Now I have to change my diaper _again_." He glared at Okamura. "Correction, YOU have to change it."

"Awww, _dammit_!"

"Will, blow up the satellite! Stop the broadcast!" David ordered over the radio.

"Gotcha," Louis replied. "And stop calling me Will!" He finished typing away on the computer and smiled. "Alright, now all we have to do is press this button to destroy-"

"Ooh, ooh! Let _meee_! Let me push the button, _pleaaase_?" Lulu begged, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"What? No, _I'm_ pushing it!"

"You _always_ push it! Please please _please_?" Lulu fluttered her eyelashes in an attempt to look sweet, but it only made her look freakier.

"Stop that! I get to push the button because-"

"JUST PUSH THE _BLEEP_ING BUTTON ALREADY!!" David screeched over the line.

"Okay, okay!" Louis caved in. "We can _both_ push the button. On three. Ready?" Lulu nodded. "Alright. One…THREE!" He slapped the button with his fist.

"You _cheated_!" Lulu wailed.

_Ka-BOOOMM!!_

An explosion rocked the satellite station the RSB had just visited the other day, as well as other satellite stations all over as the satellites were blown up, cutting the feed. Screens all over the world went blank, Diva's concert being cut off.

"Yeah! It stopped!" Mao cheered, snatching the remote away from Julia. "Now I can watch The Hills!"

Suddenly the TV flickered, and the concert came back on.

"Aww, _bleep_-DAMMIT!" Mao whined as Julia wrestled the remote away from her once again.

"Crap, they're using military satellites to broadcast the concert!" Louis realized in horror. "We can't stop it without finding where they're broadcasting it from!"

"Help! HELP!" Joel's voice crackled over the radio, thick with panic. "There are some _very_ constipated chiropterans in here!!"

Indeed, there were. A dozen or more of the audience members had transformed into chiropterans and were now prowling the rows, killing men and women alike before searching for new prey. Chaos enveloped the theater, and Diva kept singing amidst it all.

"What's going on?!" The Important-Looking-Man demanded to know. "Where are their top hats and canes? This isn't what you promised me, Argeno!!"

As Mr. Argeno struggled to explain the situation, Conda Liza suddenly gave a loud groan and lurched to her feet. Apparently the Pepto Max wasn't helping her condition any, and she transformed into a chiropteran before the men's eyes in an instant. Turning to Frenchy, she bellowed and charged, rushing right past him and killing the man directly behind him.

"Aww…I just made _merde_ in my pants…" Mr. Argeno whimpered to himself. The chiropteran stood up once again and was shot back over the railing of the balcony, not a foot from where Mr. Argeno was standing. "Aww…I just did it _again_…"

In the audience chairs below, Nathan sat calmly amidst the chaos, chucking one of the cocoon-babies under the chin and watching his beloved child star perform on stage. A woman, her lovely gown shredded and stained with blood, ran screaming past him, stopped, and smiled at the cocoons.

"Ohhh, aren't they _precious_?" She cooed, tickling them. "Goochie, goochie, goo!" She turned away, squared her shoulders, and commenced with the running around and screaming. Nathan rolled his eyes.

"Stupid humans."

Meanwhile, behind the opera-house, Kai and David had succeeded in finding the military satellites, perched atop vans, responsible for broadcasting the show and causing world-wide destruction. David kicked the door down, somersaulted in, and blasted apart the place with some well-aimed gunshots. Kai stood by the door until the firing was over, then punched out one of the remaining computer screens with relish.

"_Yeah_…" He grunted, feeling tough.

"Gee, you really helped a _ton_," David snorted. Kai smiled and beamed. David just didn't have it in him to break the little bastard's stupid heart, and so chose to remain silent.

Lulu helped out as well, slashing the satellites atop the vans apart with her axe, and Louis with his trusty tank blasted entire vans to kingdom come. Finally they were done, and gathered in a football huddle to decide what they should do next.

"Alright, we need to-"

A growl cut David's order off. Looking up, our heroes found themselves surrounded by hungry chiropterans, all slobbering from the mouth and eyeing their prey. Kai gulped and acted.

"You want him? Take him!" He shoved David at the monsters, who backpedaled (David, not the chiros) like crazy and socked Kai in the nuts for insolence. There was nothing they could do. They were trapped.

Back inside the opera house, Diva continued to sing, exalted in the death and destruction her beautiful voice was causing. And speaking of beautiful voices, she was getting pretty tired. She paused for a moment to drink from a glass of water, and the people in the theater all stopped running around and screaming, as did the chiropterans, all waiting patiently for her to continue. Finally she set down the glass and began again, the crowd commencing their screaming and killing antics.

Amshel and Saya were still fighting in the backstage area. Suddenly Amshel stopped and cleared his throat, indicating he wanted to speak.

"Alright," he told Saya, "now it is time for my very long, very boring speech about mankind. I will begin this lecture by asking you-"

"Uh, do you have to recite this?" Saya asked awkwardly. "I'd…rather just…you know…beat you up."

"Fine, bitch, have it your way," Amshel grunted and rushed forward once again.

"Saya!" Haji jumped in the way and held Amshel back as he called to her over his shoulder. "I'll take him! You go after Diva!"

"But…but I-" Saya began to protest.

"Saya!" Haji whispered fiercely. "_Fight_!"

There was a short pause.

"S…see? You don't need that recorder anymore!"

"Oh, alright." Saya chucked the recorder into the trash and turned to leave. Clutching her sword in one hand, she ran off into the lights in slow-mo, ready to battle her evil twin sister Diva and save the-

_Crash_!

"Saya! You alright?"

"Yep. Yep, I'm fine," Saya replied weakly, staggering back to her feet. "Just tripped a little. I'm okay." She continued to hobble off into the light, where her sister awaited.

-Onstage-

Saya and Diva faced off, having found one another finally. Saya glared up at her sister on the bridge of the set, smiling down at her innocently. Saya raised her Japanese-like sword, while Diva withdrew a thin rapier. They locked gazes, hatred fizzing between them, ready at any time to-

_Giggle_!

"What's so funny?!" Diva barked indignantly, cheeks flushing red.

"Th…that's it?" Saya asked, fighting back a smile. "That's the dress you're gonna conquer the world in? …You sure?"

"Well…well yes! What's wrong with it?"

"_Everything_."

-Episode 48 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Holy CRAP I am seriously almost there. Just two more episodes to go. Alright, I can do this! And can someone please tell me that Diva dress is as ridiculous as I think it is? I mean, _seriously_, girl. She needs to go on "What Not to Wear" or something. Anyway, review, please!


	49. Episode 49: The Two Queens

Author's Note: Here it is, finally! The penultimate episode! And for those of you who don't know the meaning of that word, it's the next-to-last episode! _Gaaaaah_! Only one more to go after this! Sweet merciful crap! Here I go! I put this one up a bit early because…well…I finished it early and I just wanted to get it done and out of the way so I could start the next one. The next and last episode will also probably be a bit early, if I'm lucky, so heads up! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 49

The Two Queens

In the now deserted confines of the once-lush and expensive opera house, chiropterans roamed the theater, killing off survivors, eating their flesh, and playing marbles with their eyeballs, sick shit like that. In the hallway outside the theater, the Important-Looking-Man from previous episodes glared over his shoulder at Argeno, as if blaming him for the whole incident.

"What's the meaning of this, Argeno?" He demanded to know.

"I don't know anything!!" Mr. Argeno sputtered, protesting his innocence. "I had no idea something like this would happen!!"

"You didn't _know_?" The Important-Looking-Man repeated dubiously.

"I just made _merde_ in my pants-"

"I don't speak French."

"Oh. I just made _pudding_ in my pants, for goodness sakes!" Mr. Argeno corrected. "Of _course_ I didn't know!!"

"Well, I don't care." The Important-Looking-Man stepped into the elevator as it dinged open. Argeno went to follow, but was stopped by the man's bodyguards. "No tap-dancing, no ride. Have fun!" He waved mockingly as the elevator doors began sliding shut.

"Ooh! Ooh! Hold it! Hold the elevator door for me, _please_!" A chiropteran hurried over, calling to the departing men. "Wait! _Hold_ it!" Needless to say, no-one bothered to keep the doors open for it, and so the elevator snapped shut just as it arrived. "Aww, _fiddle_-sticks!" The chiropteran cursed, stomping one of its big feet in anger. "Now I'll have to take the _stairs_ to find more people to kill!!"

Behind the fuming chiropteran, Mr. Argeno was standing perfectly still, all the while praying furiously that chiropterans had vision based on movement, like T-Rex's or whatever.

"What a gay-lookin' mannequin," the chiropteran snorted as it headed toward the stairs.

"_Pardonez-moi_?!"

-Onstage-

Meanwhile, on the stage of the opera house, Saya and Diva were still having their stand-off-before-the-final-boss-fight, the twin sisters glaring at one another dangerously. Finally Diva began to move, slowly walking down a set of stairs toward her sister, her gait leisurely and relaxed.

"Sister," Diva whispered softly, "you've come to kill me, haven't yo_ooaaaaAAGH_!" Suddenly she flailed her arms about, pinwheeling them in an attempt to keep her balance, but then lurched forward and fell down the rest of the steps with dull bumps, landing in a heap at Saya's feet at the bottom.

"…Little did I know your ridiculous _dress_ would beat me to it," Saya drawled.

"Will you shut UP about my dress?" Diva growled, staggered back to her feet and clutching her rapier. "Okay, yes it's a little ungainly…and the wings kinda make it hard for me to move my arms…and this winged-tiara thing is just _killing_ me…" She broke off for a thoughtful pause. "Oh, who the hell am I kidding? This dress _does_ suck ass!"

"At least we agree on _one_ thing!" Saya smiled cheesily. "Now I'm-a gonna kill you."

"Why fight for the humans, Saya?" Diva argued. "They're stupid and don't understand us!" She paused. "And tasty."

"For me, they are my precious friends and family!" Saya shot back. "Riku was my annoying little brother…dad was my man-whore father…and Kai…well, Kai was pretty much just _horny_…but I'll still protect them!!"

"Wake up! You're a chiropteran!" Diva continued to argue. "It's not fair that you got all the love and attention, while I was locked in a tower! It's not fair that you were able to enjoy life and meet friends! It's…just…not…_fair_!" Diva's head lowered, and when it raised, she was in her normal-grown-up form, the one with breasts and long hair, remember? Anyway, she transformed and-

"Gaaaaaah! A-a-a-aaaaiiiiiiir!! _Gasp gasp gaaaasp_! Cannot…feel…_breasts_!"

Couldn't breath.

"Uh, yeah," Nathan coughed from the audience seats. "You see, Diva, I made that dress with your _other_ you measurements, plus I didn't use any spandex as material because that is SO seventies-"

"Thanks a lot, homo!" Diva gurgled, finally managing to unzip her dress enough to allow air into her lungs and feeling into her chest. After several deep coughs and gasps, she straightened, motioning to Saya that she was ready to continue. Saya nodded and raised her sword, glaring at her sister.

"From the moment I let you out," she said seriously, "I've lived only to kill you!"

"So, you want to kill me to prove your existence?" Diva laughed haughtily, tossing her hair. "Who do you think you are, Gaara from Naruto? You need help, bitch!"

"_You're_ one to talk!" Saya shot back.

-Meanwhile, Backstage…-

As Saya and Diva's verbal warfare continued, behind the stage area another form of warfare was occurring. Haji, the perverted chevalier, and Amshel, the eye-lashed chevalier, were duking it out, scratching up the walls and knocking over mannequins while also ruining the many costumes and clothes back there as well. Nathan would not be pleased. The thought of this made Amshel smirk and kick another mannequin over.

"Whoo, break-time!" Haji was bent over, panting for breath while alternately gulping down Gatorade. "What a work-out! I am getting SO ripped from this! Hold on." He placed a finger on his neck and gazed at his watch, trying to calculate his heart rate. Amshel ignored his foolish antics and instead spoke.

"Haji," he said in that deep voice of his, "I used to hate you." He paused, cocking his head. "No…wait…still do, actually."

"Well, take a number and get in line!" Haji snorted, unimpressed. Amshel cleared his throat, a clear indication that he planned to have yet another really long, really boring speech. Haji was quick to pick up on this and so interrupted before he began.

"Can't we just…you know…slaughter each other?" He begged.

"Aww, but I have it all written out and _everything_!" Amshel whined, stomping a foot.

"Look, if you win, _then_ you can say it," Haji compromised. Amshel sighed but nodded.

"Alright, fine." He put his many notes away and crossed his arms. "This better not take too long."

"Oh, it _won't_," Haji assured him, large bat-like wings bursting from his back. His hands morphed as well, becoming hard and clawed. Amshel sniffed at his, not batting an eye, or rather, _eyelash_.

"So, you're going all out? Then I shall as well." He slowly withdrew the silver ring he always wore from his finger and placed it in the cleavage of a nearby mannequin. "Now I will-"

"HEY!!" The mannequin snapped indignantly. "Hands _off_, pervert!!"

"Er…sorry?" Amshel quickly removed the ring and stuck it in his back pocket. He whirled back around to face Haji, eyes glowing like coals. He spread his feet and tensed his body. Then he took a deep breath, and began his transformation. "_GroooooAAAAH! HoooAAAARGH! OOoooooOOORRRhhh_!"

Silence filled the room.

"…You look exactly the same!" Haji exclaimed.

"I know, I was cleaning out my sinuses," Amshel stated. "They can get pretty clogged, you know."

"EWW. Just hurry and transform already!"

"Fine!" With one loud grunt, Amshel burst through his clothes and into chiropteran-form, which turned out to be rather short, stocky, and boring. He waited in silence for Haji to respond. After several long moments, he finally spoke up. "Well? Say something!"

"You're…lookin' a little _chubby_ there with that front-butt you've got goin' on," Haji finally commented, pointing at Amshel's rotund chiro-belly. "You might wanna lay off the Hot Pockets, fatty."

"Shut UP! My form is SEXY!" Amshel snarled. "Nathan told me so!"

"Well then he's a liar."

"RAAAARR!!" Amshel bolted forward, the two chevaliers blasting into the air, through the roof above, and into the night sky outside. Diva and Saya, still inside the opera house, barely noticed the newly-made sunroof, as they were intent on killing one another. Outside, Haji spread his wings and flew around, ducking and dodging as Amshel used some weird bad-breath laser or something.

"Dooooctor," the same little girl as always said, "Look, there are-"

"This child needs pills, _stat_!" The doctor cried, tying the child up in restraints. "The poor thing is delusional!" He glanced out the window and caught sight of two figures dancing about in the night sky. "Dear God! It's _spreading_!" He gobbled down a bottle of pills, passed out, and the little girl slipped out of her restraints and out the door.

_Crack_!

Amshel's three claws jammed into Haji's guts, who gasped in pain.

"That…that's _three_ right there!" He coughed, struggling to take out his trusty pad of paper. Amshel snorted.

"Oh, come on! It should only count as one!"

"What do you know? They're in _me_!" Haji snapped back, then slowly and deliberately marked three tallies on the page. "_Eleven_."

"You bastard!" Amshel head-butted him.

"That's twelve now, buster!"

"I just hit you, dummy! I didn't run you through!"

"Oh, fine. Quit bein' a little bitch about it."

-Elsewhere on the Premises-

Back down on the ground, the RSB and one girl with freaky eyes were in a bit of a pickle. They'd stopped the broadcast of Diva's concert by destroying the satellites, but now they were surrounded by very constipated and hungry chiropterans, who were coming closer every minute. The RSB and one girl with freaky eyes converged in a football huddle to plan out their next play- er, move.

"Okay, who's gonna be bait?" Kai asked. Everyone was silent. "Thank you for volunteering, Louis!"

"What? I didn't say nothing!" Louis barked.

"You didn't have to," Kai said solemnly, patting his shoulder. "Good luck getting eaten alive, buddy."

"Is this because I'm _black_?"

"NO. _This_ time it's because you're FAT."

"Oh." Louis blinked. "Wait, how does that make it any better?"

"Come on, Louis," David broke in. "Please?" Louis still looked stubborn. "Oh. I get it." David looked at the others with a mocking smile on his face. "Sexual Chocolate is _scared_. Maybe I should call up Will Smith and see if he wants to-"

"Okay, okay! I'll do it!" Louis growled, shutting everyone up. He reached behind him and whipped out two huge shotguns. "There are mother-_bleep_ing chiropterans on these mother-_bleep_ing vans!" He stood up and rushed the group of chiropterans, weapons blazing.

"Good luck, ni-" Kai began but was stopped by a slap on the back of the head by David. The two of them dashed off toward the opera house, leaving Louis to fight the savage chiropterans all on his lonesome.

"Yippee-kai-yay-" He sang, blasting off a chiropteran's head.

"Mother-_bleep_er!" Lulu finished, appearing at his side, weapon glistening with chiro-blood. She grinned up at him. "I'm here, too! I'll fight with you! Now give me a funny nickname, too!"

"Alright. Hmm…" Louis thought for a minute, scratching his chin with the barrel of one gun. "Oh, I got it! How's Cream Puff sound?"

"I love it!" Lulu giggled. "Sexual Chocolate and Cream Puff, GO!" Together the two leapt for the oncoming chiropterans.

-Back Up in the Air-

Still flying around the night sky, Haji and Amshel's battle continued, despite the storm clouds gathering overhead and the lightning bolts that had begun appearing. Haji was winded, panting for breath while eyeing Amshel warily.

"How can something so fat move so fast?" He grumbled to himself.

"Stop calling me fat!" Amshel roared at him. "I'm _husky_!"

The two of them surged up into the sky, each striking out and destroying an opponent's wing, causing them both to plummet toward the ground. As they fell, Haji shifted his weight so Amshel was under him, and slammed him down on the huge, sharp point of a skyscraper's tower-needle thing. It stabbed into Amshel's abdomen, trapping him quite efficiently.

"_Ohhh_! I am a bad-ASS!" Haji gloated, doing a little dance right there in the sky. "I _impaled_ you on the _Chrysler Building_! Oh, snap! Oh, snap! You better take down your own tally!" He pulled out his pad, wrote 'Lashes' on the next page, and placed a big mark underneath. "_One_!"

"Will you shut up?!" Amshel snarled. "This isn't even that bad! Look, I'm starting to get free! Just wait until I-"

_BRR-ZAAAAAP_!

Just then a bolt of lightning came down and made friends with the very needle Amshel was impaled on. You can use your imagination to figure out what happened next. Due to the electrical surge, power went out all over the city, turning buildings dark, as well as the opera house.

"_Yeeek_!" Both sisters squealed in fear at the new darkness, dropping their weapons and clutching each other. It took them a few seconds to realize what they were doing and quickly step away, embarrassed.

"…Let's just pretend that never happened, okay?" Saya whispered.

"Yeah, just like that new movie, Eagle Eye!" Diva agreed.

"Oh my _God_ you're right, that movie blew more than a hurricane."

"I know! And have you seen…"

Back outside, Haji smirked at Amshel's charred and smoking corpse.

"THAT was God, telling you I AM a bad-ass," he stated matter-of-factly. "Right, God?"

"That's right, my son!" God replied from on high.

"You're the _best_, God!" Haji lifted his hand and the two high-fived. "Say, God…you think you can help me get into Saya's pants?"

"Even I have my limits, my son," God answered solemnly.

Back on the ground, but still on the outer premises of the opera house, David and Kai watched from behind large pillars as a small group of Corpse Corps soldiers dispatched a few loitering chiropterans, then formed a conga line.

"Oh, _please_," Kai snorted as he watched. "I could _totally_ serve every one of those pansies."

"I doubt that," David grunted, loading and checking his gun.

"You don't believe me?" Kai glared at him. "I've been practicing all this time! _Watch_!" He jumped to his feet and pulled a few moves, David's eyes widening as he went on.

"…You have learned well…" He whispered in awe, and the two of them moon-walked off-screen.

-Back Inside the Theater-

Saya and Diva were sitting on the empty stage, giggling and chatting away as they played cards, painted each other's nails, brushed their hair, and- okay, now, this has GOT to stop.

Pssst! _PSSSST_! You two are supposed to be _fighting_, remember?

"Oh yeah right." Saya and Diva leapt to their feet and snatched up their weapons, facing off once again. A few blows were exchanged, then Diva pulled to the side and grinned at her sister.

"You think chiropterans shouldn't exist, Saya?" She laughed. "Then…are you going to kill…my _children_?!" She pointed off to the right, and Saya whirled around to look.

"…Um…where?"

"Right…right THERE," Diva stressed.

"All I see is a gay guy and some really huge spider eggs."

"The spider eggs _are_ my children."

"Say 'hi' to mommy!" Nathan sang, holding up the cocoons and waving.

"Oh." Saya made a face. "EWW." She glanced down at her high-heels. "I'm gonna hafta wear my BIG boots for those things."

Suddenly it began to rain in the theater, water from outside coming in from the hole in the roof made courtesy of Haji and Amshel earlier. As water droplets fell all around, Saya and Diva glared at one another, mortal enemies.

"_Whaaaat_?" God asked innocently. "I'm just setting the mood!"

"Let's go!" Saya pressed her thumb against her sword, filling it with her deadly blood. Diva smirked and did likewise with her own rapier, and the battle began once again.

"Hey…am I missing anything important?" Haji asked, sticking his head in the door to the theater. Nathan glanced back at him and frowned.

"Aren't…you supposed to try and kill me and the babies or something?"

"Meh…too lazy." Haji wandered in and sat down in one of the audience chairs. "Ooh, I'm just in time for the best part!"

Saya and Diva's battle was becoming more and more ferocious, the two almost managing to strike the other, skirts and shirts tearing and ripping as their blades swung.

"Oh _yeah_!" Haji cheered, enjoying every moment of this. "Aim for her top! Her TOP!"

"SHUT UP!!" Both sisters hollered at him.

"Yes, ma'am." Haji obediently sat back down and looked straight ahead. The sisters continued battling, then paused to rip off most of their ruined dresses, leaving them in naught but flimsy shifts.

"Okay, _now_ they're just doing it on purpose," Haji stated as the fighting resumed. "The rain, the heaving bosoms, the twin sisters…why don't they just _make out_ already?"

"_Shh_!" Nathan leaned forward and hissed in his ear from behind. "Don't make me get security!"

"Yeah well maybe if you'd shut those kids up-"

"There, is this better?" Diva smirked, now wing-and-tiara-less. Saya nodded.

"Much." The two sisters raised their swords and charged on another, like knights at a medieval joust. The result was quite predictable.

_Splutch_!

"Eep! Too violent!" Nathan squeaked, hurriedly covering the area where the babies eyes should be. Haji swiftly covered his own. "Not you!"

"Oh." He lowered his hands and gasped at the sight before him.

Each sister had speared the other, blades protruding from their backs, wet with blood.

"…Well that was easy," Saya stated.

"_I'll_ say!" Diva agreed. "I guess the writers just got fed up with us, huh?"

The two of them then tried to unlock blades, but to no avail. The sisters struggled and strained, swearing a little as they shifted, but they couldn't get free. The sisters were stuck.

"Maybe…maybe if I put my foot on your _leg_-" Saya began.

"No, that won't work! We should-" Diva argued.

"Don't pull like that! You gotta _push_-"

"Don't tell me what to do!!"

"Maybe you should both get _naked_-" Haji piped up from the audience seats.

"WE SAID SHUT UP!!"

Haji sat back down.

Finally, with a shove from Saya and Diva twisting in the right direction, the swords came free and the sisters staggered apart. Immediately cracks began springing up Diva's arms, the effect of Saya's blood having mixed with hers. Saya gasped and waited for the same to happen to her.

"No, Saya, NOOO!" Haji shrieked from his seat. "Don't die, I still have to _bleep_ you!!"

"I'm fine, you idiot!" Saya barked at him, showing him her quickly-healing wound.

"…Oh." Haji blinked. "My offer still stands-"

"NO." Saya frowned as she studied herself. Despite being stabbed by Diva's blood-soaked sword, she only a little bit of indigestion bothering her. What was going on? Looking up, she saw her sister staring in panic, more cracks appearing on her shoulders and face.

"Why?" She whispered. "Why only me?" Her arm suddenly broke off and fell to the floor.

"Diva, no!" Saya burst into tears and ran to her twin sister, snatching up the arm and desperately trying to reattach it. "Don't worry! I'll just label this as 'shoulder' and we'll sew it back- _will you stay together already_?!"

The arm fell off and shattered on the floor.

"Well if you're not even going to try and _help_…" Saya stressed huffily.

Nathan suddenly appeared on the stage, handing the quickly-expiring Diva her babies so she could cuddle with them in her last few moments.

"Due to child-bearing," Nathan explained to Saya, "her blood has lost its potency."

"Okay, that is the _stupidest_ reason I have ever heard in my whole fu-"

"Not in front of the children!" Diva hissed, tickling one of the babies under the chin. The finger promptly crystallized and fell off. "Oh, mother-fu-"

_Crack_!

Diva, Saya's greatest foe and dearest sister, had fully crystallized, and was now dead. Saya stared down at her, emotions and thoughts surging within her.

"Now that Diva is dead," Nathan said softly, approaching Saya, "I no longer have a reason to be her chevalier." He gave Saya a coy look. "_Face it_, honey. You ain't gettin' _none_ o' this!" He smacked his ass, then winked over at Haji. "But you might, if you play your cards right!"

"Hurry and kill him, Saya!" Haji called, voice thick with disgust.

Nathan burst through his clothes, transforming into his own chiropteran form, which was quite tall with long, weirdly-angled arms and legs. He stood before Saya, at her mercy.

"Please…kill me." He begged. "Just…watch the hair, okay?"

"Okay." Saya slashed him in half vertically with her blade.

"I said watch the hair, bitch!!"

"Just be grateful I killed you!" Saya rolled her eyes and returned to the crystallized Diva's side. As she stared down at her sister, Haji came up from behind and wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug. "…Okay, I am _seriously_ not in the mood right now, Haji," Saya ground out. "My dress is totally ruined, my hair is a mess, and I just killed my twin sister who I found out I actually love."

There was a long pause.

"_Wwwweeeeeeeeeeh_!!" Saya bawled like a newborn, tears rolling down her face, and Haji was there to comfort her.

"There, there," he murmured, holding her close. "Let my manly scent calm and soothe your soul."

"_Weeeeeeeeh_!" Two more voices joined in the crying, and Haji and Saya glanced down to find that Diva's cocoon-children had hatched from their chrysalises, and were sobbing along with Saya.

"Oh, don't _you_ start, too!" Haji snapped at them. "And don't you need blood or something to hatch? Come on!" They continued to cry. "They're pretty cute for spiders…"

Saya pushed away from Haji and picked up her sword. As she stood menacingly over the two defenseless babies, they looked up at her, smiling and laughing.

"Wha…no, stop it! You're making this harder! Go back to the crying, dammit!" Saya's arms shook and her sword trembled. She was just about to bring the sword swinging down when yet another voice stopped her.

"Saya! What are you doing?!" Kai asked, gasping and panting as he ran onto the stage. Saya gave him a sad look.

"I'm going to kill these children," she told him solemnly. "And then I'll die, too."

"Wha…? No, Saya, NOOOOO! Don't die, I still have to _bleep_ you!" Kai sputtered.

"Hey! That's what _I_ said!" Haji gasped indignantly. "You…line-stealer!"

"Is…is that the best you could come up with?" Kai asked him. "As a fellow dumbass, I feel _embarrassed_ for you."

"I know." Haji flushed. "Can we…end the chapter now? I don't want anyone to see my shame."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Kai turned to the camera and waved his hands. "Come on, guys, fun's over. Let's at least let him keep his dignity."

-Episode 49 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Hmm, this chapter's a liiittle bit shorter than the previous ones, huh? Well maybe I'm just saving everything for the last one! Naw, I don't know, it just came out like that. Anyway, hope you liked it, and get ready for the grand finale next time! _Gaaaaaaaah_! _Slap_! …Okay, I'm good. Review, please!


	50. Episode 50: Shit Happens

Author's Note: Here it is. Finally. After much waiting, and about a year of hard work (a year, right? Haven't really been counting. Well, an episode a week, so fifty weeks, divided by…okay, my brain just _exploded_, nevermind, just keep reading), here is the final episode of Blood, in all its effed-up glory. Please, read and enjoy. And review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 50

Shit Happens

A steady rain fell on the Opera House grounds, pittering and pattering on the stone walkways and arches. Chiropterans wandered aimlessly around the area, having lost interest in killing things, while Corpse Corps soldiers were intent on playing hopscotch and double dutch.

Inside the Opera House, Van Argeno was not having nearly as much fun. He was aiming his microscopic pistol at the chiropteran that had dared insult him, finger trembling on the trigger as he glared at it.

"Call moi a gay mannequin again! Do it!" He snarled. The chiropteran's eyes narrowed to slits as it slowly turned to face him.

"Wait," it growled, "I don't have to take the stairs! I can just kill _you_!" With a howl of joy, the chiropteran charged him. Mr. Argeno immediately squealed in fear, and proceeded to shoot everything in existence that _wasn't_ the chiropteran. I'm talking the floor, a chandelier, a priceless Ming vase, among other things.

"Don't worry!" A man with a deep, strong voice called, running over. "I'm a police officer, I'll rescue y- OOOGH!" He went down with a bullet lodged in one of his testicles.

"Oh! Oh, _merde_!" Mr. Argeno lowered the gun. "Je regret, monsieur! Ca vas bien?"

"…Man, you're a _horrible_ shot," the chiropteran stated.

"Ferme le bouche!!" Mr. Argeno screeched at it.

"I don't speak Fr-"

"I don't CARE!!"

_BLAM!!_

Suddenly a single shot rang out, and the chiropteran went flying off to the side, defeated. Mr. Argeno looked up in surprise to find David standing in the hall, just lowering his smoking gun.

"Y…you?" Mr. Argeno gulped, then threw himself at the skinny man's feet. "Help me! Help me please! I can't take anymore! The chiropterans, the shooting, the _pudding_-"

An uncomfortable silence followed as David gave Mr. Argeno a strange look.

"Er…forget that last part," the Frenchman coughed. "Just please save me! I…I'll do anything! Here! I'll let you draw on my face with pen again! I don't mind, really!" He held out a permanent marker and looked pathetically up at David, who stared down at him in silence.

Slowly a diabolical smile spread across his face.

"Oh…_frommage_," Mr. Argeno cursed. What had he just done?

-Outside the Opera House-

Meanwhile, outside the Opera House, Louis and Lulu stood in awe, watching as the chiropterans that had been hungering for their intestines not moments before were now quite docile and stupid, like Jessica Simpson, only smarter. Also, the Corpse Corps were still frolicking about, jumping rope and doing cat's cradle.

"Man, what's up with these guys?" Louis asked, cocking his grenade launcher and scowling. "Am I not gonna get to try this baby out? Why they all _playing_ instead of killing now?"

"I dunno," Lulu shrugged, playing Patty-Cake with a nearby Corpse Corps soldier. "Maybe it's because Diva's dead."

"Diva is…you gotta _tell_ me these things, Cream Puff! Are we partners or not?!" Louis turned away huffily. "That's it! You're in timeout, missy!"

"_Awwww_!"

Back at the headquarters/apartment, Julia and Mao leaned out the window, watching the chiropterans in the street below also lose interest in their human prey and begin to howl mournfully.

"Hey, I was like that, too!" Mao called down to them. "All you need to do is devour someone's _soul_, and then-"

_"Got me looking so crazy in looooove!"_

"Oh! My phone?" Julia scrambled back into the room and hurried to her phone, picking it up with a flourish. "Hello?"

"Hey," David grunted from the other line. "It's me."

"David?" Julia blinked, glanced at Mao, then turned away and whispered into the phone. "So…what are you wearing?"

"You can have phone-sex later!!" Mao screeched at her. "Talk business for now!!"

"Party-pooper." Julia stuck her tongue out at the girl.

"Option D has been initiated, targeting the MET," David reported in a monotone.

There was a long silence.

"…What?" Julia finally said. "Sorry, I was imagining you naked. Come again?"

"Look, just stick your boobs out and pretend like you know what you're doing!"

"I can do that!" Julia smiled proudly and pushed her boobs out.

"I know you can." David assured her. "Good luck."

"David," Julia cut in. "…My breasts are waiting for you."

"Awww. I love you too, honey. Now hang up."

"No, _you_ hang up!" Julia giggled.

"No, _you_ hang up first!" David giggled back.

"No, _you_!"

"No, _you_!"

Mao snatched the phone away and whipped it out the window.

"That was _totally_ unnecessary!" Julia grumbled.

-Inside the Opera House-

Inside the theater, rain continued to fall through the hole made in the roof, dousing Saya and Kai as they stood onstage, silent and unmoving. Haji was off to the side, gently spreading a blanket over Diva's fallen, crystallized form. He stood up and looked down at her sadly.

"…Would it be out of line if I peed on her a little?"

"Haji, get OVER here!" Saya snapped. Haji obeyed, scurrying to her side and waiting there attentively.

"What'll happen now?" Okamura whispered in hushed tones to Joel, watching the scene play out from the vantage point of their small balcony.

"I dunno," Joel whispered back. "I think she'll-" Suddenly he broke off, frowning. "Wait…we haven't even _moved_ during all this chaos? How the heck are we still _alive_?"

"I have no idea," Okamura answered bluntly, "but let's watch!"

"_Let's_!" Joel allowed Okamura to hop onto his lap and the two of them munched popcorn as Kai finally spoke below.

"You can't die, Saya!" He was saying, begging, really. "Both me and Haji _still_ wanna get freaky with you. Can't you think of someone _other_ than yourself for one _minute_?"

"…Okay, change of plans," Saya stated, turning to Haji. "FIRST I kill Kai, THEN the babies, THEN you kill me, got it?"

"Hold on." Haji was scribbling the orders down on his hand. "Kill…Kai…ha ha ha…kill…babies…" He paused and looked up. "I…I'm out of room."

"You have another one, Haji."

"Oh, I DO!"

"_Stop it_!!" Kai hollered, interrupting them rudely. "You don't have to die, Saya! That's just stupid emo talk! Take some happy pills or something and wake up! You're just a normal, average girl who can miraculously heal her wounds in seconds and kill enormous monsters simply because you consume your daily recommended amount of fiber! Don't worry about anything, I'll take care of you! I'll find the place where you belong!" He paused thoughtfully. "I'll give you a clue. It's in my pan-"

"Okay, _that's_ enough outta you!" Haji slugged Kai out of the way and stood before the bewildered Saya, clearing his throat and rolling up his sleeves. "It's my turn for the pep-talk now!" He did a face-wipe thing with his hand and his expression came out very serious and solemn as he began. "Saya…I wanted to see you smile…once more, like when we first met. I was happy to return to you, even if I had to give everything up. After Diva awoke, you kinda went a little nuts, but you were still hot, so it's all good. And then I found you in Okinawa, where you were wrapped in happiness…Saya…I want you…to be _happy_." Haji reached out and gently took away Saya's sword from her hand. "Please…_live_."

"Buh…buh…" Saya protested, tears welling in her eyes.

"I'll take you to an all-you-can-eat-buffet."

"SOLD!!" Saya threw her hands up in jubilation and hugged Haji.

"Curses!" Kai hissed to himself in the corner. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?!"

As Saya continued to hug Haji, the tears fell from her eyes, and she sobbed.

"I want to live!" Haji hugged her back, and the two of them shared a very special moment, there in that ruined theater in the falling rain.

Joel and Okamura were sobbing like schoolgirls as they watched, hugging each other and never wanting to let go.

"Hold me!" Joel whimpered.

"It's just like watching The Notebook!" Okamura sniveled.

"What?"

"What? It's a good movie!"

Back on the stage, Haji suddenly went in for a kiss. The surprising thing was that Saya made no move to stop him. Just as he was about to finally get his kiss-

"Alright, you two! Break it up!" Kai shoved himself between them, pushing them apart. "Let me get in on some o' that _lovin'_!"

"Kai, you _ruined_ it!" Saya complained. Haji was unable to add his comments as it was taking every iota of his being to hold himself back from horribly eviscerating Kai and using his entrails as jump-ropes with the Corpse Corps soldiers. Saya smiled, completely unaware of Haji's internal battle. "I've decided," she said warmly. "I want to live together with everyone!"

"Yes," Haji spoke up, having finally quelled his inner serial killer. "You can live however you want!" He paused for a moment. "Let's be _nudists_!"

"Oh…you never change…" Saya didn't even bother smacking him, she was in such a good mood. "You pervert."

"Live today, and smile tomorrow," Kai joined in. "And make out with me sometimes. …Please? With a cherry on top?" He smiled. "And remember…_shit happens_!"

_BANG_!!

Suddenly the entrance doors to the theater slammed open, and David stood there, looking winded and not the least bit chipper.

"What the hell are you brats doing in here, being all smiley and 'happy day!'? They've initiated Option D!!"

All three stared at him.

"…Sssso?"

"Oh. Right. Idiots." David rolled his eyes. "They're gonna drop a BOMB on this opera house!"

"I told you, it's gonna be one _hell_ of a party!" Kai cheered.

"Not THAT kind of bomb!" David growled. "I mean the one with explosions, genocide, and 'mommy, it burns!'!!"

"Ohhhhh…" Everyone breathed. "_AAAAUAUUUUUUUUGGGGHH_!!" Everyone bolted for the exit. Kai screeched to a halt, rushed back, and picked up the two twin babies from Diva's side.

"Let's go, lil' nieces! You're so cute, yes you a- aw, _awwww_! One just crapped on me, and the other bit my finger off! What is it with kids hating me?"

"Hurry your ass up!" David roared down the hall as Okamura slowly wheeled Joel toward the exit. "Can't you move your legs any faster?!" Joel glared. "Oh. Right. Paralyzed. Sorry."

"Well, if you insist," Joel sniffed, then punched a button that rocketed the wheelchair out of there in two seconds, leaving twin trails of fire in its wake.

"Hey, _I_ wanted to ride that!" David called after them. "Damn Okamura gets all the fun!"

As Kai, Haji, and Saya all ran for the door, the ceiling above them suddenly crumbled, and a large something fell into the room, blocking their way.

"Oh, great! Now what?!" Saya grumbled, skidding to a halt. The something rose up out of the dust and revealed itself to be Amshel, Diva's last eye-lashed chevalier, now in a strange half-human half-chiropteran form, with a two-foot gaping hole in his side from the whole building-impalement incident.

"Gimme those kids!" Amshel snarled as he loomed over the others.

"Okay!" Kai drew back his arm and made to throw one of the babies like a football.

"Kai, don't you DARE!"

"You're no fun." Kai lowered his arm.

"DIE!" Amshel roared and charged forward, only to be beaten back by Haji, who leapt in the way and slammed him against the far wall. In his hands he held Saya's sword, already dripping with her blood, and thrust it into Amshel's abdomen. As Amshel howled and writhed in pain, Haji leaned in close, reached up, and ripped off one of Amshel's bottom eyelashes.

"Make a _wish_!" He whispered fiercely, then blew the lash into Amshel's face.

"You utter _bastard_!!" Amshel used the last of his strength to drive three of his claws into Haji's guts, then crystallized to death. Haji was caught in the dead monster's embrace, unable to move.

"That is _fourteen_ right there!" Haji managed to cough out, pointing at the claws. "Now if I…could just reach…my _notepad_!" He struggled to reach his back pocket, but to no avail.

"Haji!" Saya cried as she saw the area around her chevalier begin to crumble.

"Oh, what? You can reach it for me?" Haji blinked, then looked up and realized his predicament. "Aw, horseballs. Kai! Guh…I…_guh_…"

"What is it?! Spit it out, man, we're almost out of time!" Kai hollered.

"Kai…" Haji still struggled. "Hurry! Take Saya and get out of here! _Gaaah_! I can't believe I just _said_ that! _Bleeeeech_!"

"It's for the best." Kai stated, then threw Saya over his shoulder and ran for the exit. Saya had to watch as Haji smiled at her one last time and waved.

"Saya!" He called. "I lo-"

_CRASH BANG CLATTER SMASH SMASH_!!

Just then the building gave way, burying Haji under tons of rubble and rock.

"Okay, _that_ was total effing bullshit," Haji's voice stated from under the debris. "And that counts for, like, a _hundred_."

"_Hajiiiii_!!" Saya screamed as planes could be heard screaming overhead and everything went dark.

_Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!_

The bomb had been dropped, and the Opera House destroyed. Corpse Corps soldiers, chiropterans, buildings, everything was burned to dust in the fiery explosion that followed.

-Several Weeks Later, in Okinawa-

Several weeks after the incident (maybe it's several months? A day? Oh, I don't know), Saya once again stood on her old school grounds, back in her regular school uniform, gazing at the trunk of the tree where her magical and traumatizing adventure first started. She could remember Haji stepping out from behind it, trying to get her to take a pamphlet, how she'd confused the first chiropteran she'd seen with a hairless gorilla, and how-

"BUMP!" Kaori shrieked, jumping out of nowhere and cracking her skull against Saya's. Saya went down in a heap, bleeding a little. "Saya! Oh my gosh! I didn't mean to do it that hard! Are you okay?!" Kaori knelt beside her friend.

"I…I think I am…" Saya managed to sit up and held her head. "But…something's wrong…I think…I think I'm _lesbian_ now!"

"What?! R…really?!" Kaori's eyes shone with hope and longing.

"Nope! Just kidding."

"I HATE YOU SAYA! _GAAAAH_!" Kaori burst into furious tears and dashed away in shame. Saya frowned, watching her go, then remembered something.

"It's tonight at the Omoro's!" She called after her fleeing friend. "Don't forget!"

"Yeah, yeah!" Kaori called back. "I'll come over after I'm done hacking into the President's computer!"

Saya sat on the ground quietly.

"…What?"

-Elsewhere at the Moment-

Elsewhere at the moment (I have no idea where), Frenchman Van Argeno, finally revealed as the conniving plotter and backstabber he is, was being led through a vicious crowd of paparazzi and reporters, all screaming for his blood and picture. Everyone snapped shots of him with blinding flashes, while reporters screamed questions at him as he passed by. Mr. Argeno shrank away from the crowd, vainly trying to cover his face with his hands. And there was a good reason for that.

His face was covered with doodles, done in permanent marker by you-know-who. This time he had not only a curly moustache and angry eyebrows, but long, curled eyelashes and lipstick, as well as obscenities scribbled on his forehead and cheeks.

"SIR!" One vicious reporter shoved passed all the rest to thrust his microphone into his face. "Do you know that what you're wearing can only be described as a fashion _holocaust_?"

…Wait, this reporter sounds familiar. It's…it's…holy crap it's Nathan! Isn't he dead?! Are homosexuals _immortal_?!

"Get back!" A cop stepped forward and shoved reporter-Nathan back into the crowd, allowing Mr. Argeno to scoot passed and into the safety of the building.

"Ow!" Nathan whined. "Hey, wait, I kinda liked that." He winked at the cop who'd pushed him. "What's your name, cutie?" The cop simply unholstered his weapon and cocked it at Nathan.

"Don't make me use this," he warned. Nathan grinned.

"Kin-_key_!" He whistled. "You gonna use those handcuffs of yours, too?"

"I'm calling for back up." The cop switched on his radio. "Yes, hello? I need assistance. I've got a horny gay guy all up in my grill."

"Ohh, back up?" Nathan giggled. "I like where this is headed."

I don't, so let's hurry up and switch scenes, shall we?

-Back in Okinawa-

Back in sunny Okinawa, David (dressed in shades and a Hawaiian shirt that made me laugh so hard I peed a little) and Louis (in a tux, I think he's trying out the Will Smith thing) sat in a car, enjoying each other's company. Joel sat in the back seat, also looking pleased.

"Chiropteran incidents around the world have dwindled," the paralyzed young man reported. "If we can mass-produce the enzyme Julia found in Saya's blood, we could find a cure for the Delta series."

"Sir…just please tell me what you want on your sandwich." A voice crackled over the intercom.

The car was parked at a McDonald's drive-thru.

"Oh. Sorry." Joel leaned out the window and made his order. "Okay, I'd like pickles, onions, no mayo-"

"We can extend Lulu's life as well," Louis joined in. "Although…why would we want to? Brat's annoyin' as hell."

"Oh, you love her. And sorry I can't help," David shrugged. "I'm too busy gettin' it _on_ with my _lady_." He paused for a moment. "Did I mention that one of her breasts is about half my body weight?"

"I believe it," Louis snorted.

"Okay, sir, your charge is five ninety-five." The voice said once again. "Please drive around and pick it up at the next window before I call the cops."

"Ole!" David revved the gas and drove around to the other side.

-With Saya-

Saya lay in the same little hospital room as before, staring up at the ceiling as an IV of blood dripped into her arm. It was no surprise when Julia squealed over on her wheely-chair, righted herself and the nearby potted plant, pushed back the curtain, and smiled down at her.

"How are you feeling, Saya?" The sexy scientist asked.

"I'm fine," Saya answered calmly.

There was a brief pause.

"…What, no outburst?" Julia asked, glancing down at her open shirt and tantalizing cleavage.

"Oh, I'm used to it by now." Saya smiled. Julia turned away. "NIPPLES!!"

"What?"

"Nothing." Saya fluttered her eyelashes innocently, then decided to change the subject. "How are _you_ doing, Julia?"

"Who, me?" Julia blinked. "I'm good."

"Can I…touch it?" Saya asked bashfully.

"Well…alright." Julia wheeled closer. "Just don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Okay!" Saya reached forward and squeezed one of Julia's boobs.

"HEY!" Julia jolted in surprise. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"But…but you said I could touch it-"

"I meant my _tummy_, you idiot!"

"Why would I want to touch your tummy?"

"Because I'm _preggers_, that's why!" Julia tossed her head, then winked at the camera. "That's right, everyone! David done knocked me up!"

"_Damn_ that was fast!" Saya stated.

"You're damn right it was!" Julia snapped back.

"Hey, have you guys seen-" Lulu opened the door, saw Saya touching one of Julia's breasts, paused, then slooowly backed away, closing the door behind her with a click.

"Well that was _weird_," Julia muttered.

"_I'll_ say!" Saya agreed.

Elsewhere in the room, Diva's twin girls giggled and cooed at one another, laying in a small crib together. Aww! See, they're alright, too! Now moving on to more important things…

-Later-

"I'm home!" Saya called as she swept open the front door of the Omoro's. Kai stood at the stove, a fire extinguisher in one hand and a spatula in the other.

"Hey! Dinner's ready!" Kai greeted, lowering the extinguisher. "Um…this isn't fire retardant foam on the food. It's…whipped cream." He paused. "You hungry?"

"Uh, am I _awake_?" Saya scoffed. Kai stared at her blankly. "The answer is 'yes', Kai. I am hungry."

"Oh." Kai blinked. "Want a haircut?"

"Wait, how the heck did we go from food to hair?"

"Quit whining and get outside, missy!"

-Outside-

Saya sat on a tall stool as Kai stood behind her, snipping at her longish locks with an old, rust-covered pair of crappy scissors.

"Dad used to cut my hair with these, remember?" Kai asked as he worked.

"Yeah, that would explain why it looks like crap even to this day," Saya muttered to herself, then frowned. "Did you wash them first? I don't want lice or anything."

"Oh, HA HA," Kai growled back, continuing with the trim. "You know," he went on, "Okamura is going overseas, and Mao is going with him."

"Oh." Saya blinked. "…The poor bastard."

"At least I'm finally free of her," Kai shrugged. "It's like herpes – you pass it on to someone else. Here, I'm gonna cut your bangs, so close your eyes." He stepped in front of Saya and waited. She wasn't fooled.

"Is this a trick?"

"What? No! I just was to cut your bangs-"

"You're gonna try to kiss me once I close my eyes, aren't you?"

"NO!" Saya stared at him. "Okay, I _was_, but if you insist-"

"I don't."

"Fine, then I'll just cut your damn bangs! _Stingy_…" Kai leaned forward and began trimming Saya's bangs, grumbling all the while. "Saya…I'll never forget those who fought together with us. Like…that one guy…and that other dude…and the hot chick…what was her name? Like a…like a 'G'? No…"

"Didn't we already have this conversation?" Saya sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Did we?" Kai shrugged again, then pulled away. "There, done. Check it out!" He handed Saya a mirror with which to admire her new cute haircut with.

"…Wow! It looks…reasonably good!" Saya said in surprise. "Now let's see the back-"

"It's fine!!" Kai snatched away the mirror, glanced at the bald spot on the back of Saya's head, then forced a smile. "It's perfectly fine. Trust me."

-It's Party Time!!-

Woo-hoo! Party time at the Omoro's! Night had fallen over Okinawa, and the Omoro was bustling with guests guzzling down dishes (don't worry, Saya made them) and chatting up a storm well into the evening hours. Everyone was there – Joel, Lulu, even Kai's friends from the very first episodes, _everyone_! All sat around tables and enjoyed one another's company with festive merriment.

In one corner of the room, a very hammered Louis, who insisted on being called 'Sexual Chocolate' for the rest of the night, staggered up onto the table (it was very sturdy) and began a strip-show for the girls. The women squealed with delight and showered him with one-dollar bills and candy-bars for every article of clothing he removed.

"Hey, I can do that too!" David muttered, feeling put-out. He stood up and was just unbuttoning his shirt, revealing his skeletal frame, when Julia forced him to stop.

"Please, don't…do that," she said heavily. "Only for me, honey."

"…Fine." David was contented and buttoned his shirt back up.

Elsewhere in the room, Okamura sat next to Mao and the two chatted away, Mao seemingly not interested in Louis anymore, even naked. The same police officer from episodes passed slowly rose up from behind the kitchen countertop and watched them suspiciously, wondering if he should take action.

"Aww, hell. They make a cute couple anyway." The police officer sank back down out of sight.

"Who was that weirdo?" Okamura snorted.

"Shut up and kiss me." Mao ordered.

At another corner of the room, several people helped haul Joel in his wheelchair on top of the table. There, he whipped off his jacket, revealing tights and a corset, and using his patented string-jerking method, began making his legs dance wildly. Immediately the girls all forgot about Sexual Chocolate and went for Wheels, except for Mao, who covered Okamura's eyes lest he be tempted.

As the bustling commotion continued, Saya wandered outside, swaying dangerously. She didn't want to tell anyone, but she was getting so sleepy. She didn't think she could last…much…longer…

"Saya!" Kai appeared at her side and caught her before she could hit the ground. "Damn, girl! You gotta learn how to hold your drinks!"

"That's _not_ my problem, dumbass!" Saya growled. "I'm falling asleep! It's time for my hibernation!"

"Oh." Kai blinked. "So…what now?"

"Kai…" Saya begged, sleepiness clouding her eyes, "Don't tell the others. Just…take me…to the place where I began."

There was a brief pause.

"…Where is that again?"

"The grave where dad found me!"

"Oh yeah!" Kai brightened with recognition. "If I didn't know you any better, Saya, I'd say drinking makes you bitchy."

"Just shut up and take me there!!"

Kai obeyed, taking her onto the back of his bike (don't worry, not the tricycle, he got a real one this time) and heading toward that place. Along the way, they passed the ocean, its waters looking calm and dark in the nighttime atmosphere. As the montage continued, a familiar-looking police car pulled up behind them.

_Whee-op_!

"Pull over! This montage is too damn lo-"

_BLAM BLAM BLAM! …BLAM_!!

Kai was in no mood for cops that night.

"Thanks, daddy," he said to himself, kissing his father's gun and stowing it away. Finally the two of them reached the grave, but Saya was so sleepy she had to be carried up the stairs piggyback style.

"Thank…you…Kai…" Saya whispered in his ear.

"Yeah, yeah. Just pay me back in kisses later," Kai grunted, then glanced at her. "Saya?" She was fast asleep, slumbering on his back. "Aww! You're so cute when you're _drooling all over meeuuuuug_h!!" Kai threw her off and watched her body tumble all the way down the stairs. "…Oh shit." He hustled down, then began dragging her back up by the ankles, her head knocking against each stair as they climbed. "Don't worry, she's _fine_," Kai insisted. "She can live through battles with ancient and evil monsters, she can survive this." He paused and blinked. "Aw, crap! I forgot a night-light! Stay here, Saya! I'll be right back!"

Kai dropped Saya's ankles with a clunk, dashed back down the stairs, and sped off on his motorcycle.

-Epilogue-

A long while later (a few years or so, anyway), an older-looking Kai once again climbed the stairs to the grave, two little girls in dresses skipping after him, getting tangled in his legs and attempting to push him down the stairs. Used to their antics, Kai dodged around them as they climbed.

"Kai, piggyback!" One girl demanded, pulling on his arm.

"Piggyback, Kai!" The other agreed.

"Shut UP!" Kai snapped at them. "Don't make me smack you again, brat! And I said call me 'dad'! Don't be like your whore mother!"

Finally they reached the open top of the site, and the girls ran squealing around in circles as Kai approached the entrance. Something on the ground caught his eye, and he gasped softly.

It was a pink rose, with a blue ribbon tied around it.

"Crap!" Kai hissed under his breath, sweat forming on his brow. "Crap crap _crap_!" Hurriedly glancing around to be sure no-one had noticed, he quickly scotched down, swiped up the flower, and stuffed it down his pants. "_Heh heh heh_…no-one must ever know…"

"Hey! Why're you all sweaty?"

"Shut up and eat your damn boxed lunches!"

Inside the grave, Haji was sitting next to the slumbering Saya, who was lying on some pillows and dressed in Spongebob pj's.

"Oh yeah? Well guess what. I still win, bitch." Haji snorted aloud and tossed his head. He cuddled up next to Saya and clapped his hands together. "Yaaay! Beddy-by time, Saya! Let's read a story!" He opened up a large picture book and cleared his throat before beginning. "Once upon a time, there was-"

And he immediately fell asleep, sprawled over Saya's lap, mouth hanging open and snoring.

THE END!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Holy crap I'm done. I'm DONE. I'm d-o-n-e! Done! First of all I'd like to thank all my reviewers, I can't believe I've gotten so freakin' many! Also thanks to everyone who gave me suggestions and comments to help with the story, and thanks to the people who made Blood + in the first place so I could eff it up! I hope everyone enjoyed this fic, and it made you laugh. Thank you for reading, reviewing, and enjoying! Later! Review, please!


	51. Bonus Chapter: Character Profiles

Saya, the Pissed-Off Heroine

Author's Note: Hey, here's an extra-special chapter devoted to character profiles for this series, since they're so different from the originals. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: For the last time, I do not own Blood +.

Blood Minus

Character Profiles

Saya, the Pissed-Off Heroine.

Saya is one pissed off heroine. There she was, enjoying her normal, perfectly ordinary life (besides the whole amnesia thing) with her two idiot brothers, man-whore father and borderline-lesbian best friend, when out of the sky drops a huge, hairless gorilla to throw a wrench in her spokes. And then pee on her as she lays on the ground, twitching. Then it steals her bike and sells it. From then on Saya was forced to join Red Shield, save the world, and put up with the affections of a man who is hornier for her than Angelina Jolie is for adopting children. Not to mention there's THREE of them. Haji, Solomon, and Kai. And Karl. Plus countless lesbians. The poor, poor girl. Despite their annoying antics, Saya does her best to help the group, and lives for killing her evil twin sister, Diva, whom she accidentally released from prison years before. She has a rather short temper, a potty mouth when angered, has a taste for anything edible, and Stevie Wonder's 'Superstitious'.

Haji, the Perverted Chevalier.

Haji loves titties, especially Saya titties. He just can't get enough. He doesn't really like pain, though, especially getting run through the guts with pointed objects (his tally went up to about fourteen, right? Not counting the many times he was crushed underneath rubble). He follows his master Saya's orders to the letter, eating roses at her bidding and groping her along the way. He seems to have some strange homosexual attraction, as well, since both Nathan and Solomon (remember the kiss?) can't help but find themselves vaguely attracted to him. Not to mention his legs looks quite hot in skirts. He's quite skilled at playing the cello, which he carries around on his back in a huge case. Haji can be very competitive, especially when the grand prize is sleeping with Saya, and will do anything to win against his opponents, Kai, Solomon, and Karl…and Kaori. And that one girl in that one episode. And- okay, you get the picture, he's got a lot of competition. Get crackin', Haji!

Kai, the Dumbass.

Kai, as the description above implies, is a dumbass. And I don't mean Jessica Simpson dumb, I mean the fungus that grows on rocks in the arctic dumb. He can't seem to take a hint, and has no clue that everyone in Red Shield loathes him, as well do Diva and her minions. And Saya, especially. Come on, man! Despite being Saya's kind-of-but-not-quite-there brother, he can't help but harbor feelings for her, and by that I mean want to get freaky. Due to these urges, he and Haji constantly butt heads, as well as he and David, but only because they hate the eff out of each other. Despite his shortcomings, he proves himself an asset to the team, and by that, I mean an ass, scratch the 'et' part. Seriously, the Red Shield is better off without him.

Riku, the Evil Genius.

Riku is George's youngest adoptive son, and Saya and Kai's little brother. He's small and a bit girly, but won't let that stop him from kickin' your ass if you tell him so. He's the only one who knows how to handle Kai's monumental stupidity, and how to comfort Saya without feeling her up at the same time. There are rumors of him being an evil genius, but don't let his dark mannerisms and red, glowing eyes fool you. He's just a perfectly ordinary boy that can shoot lasers from his eyes and order crows to do his bidding! He becomes Saya's second Chevalier after Diva sucks his blood. Sadly, he catches Diva's eye, and gets taken advantage of before dieing. …Or DID he? Dun dun DUNNNN!

David, the Underweight Secret-Agent.

David weighs, like, fifty pounds. I'm serious. Although I could be wrong – that's taking his clothing, shoes, and gun in account. Anyway he survives mainly on air, using a disturbing filter-feeding method to subsist on particles floating around him. It's pretty weird so he mostly does it in private. He's completely oblivious to the attentions of the sexy scientist Julia, as well as Joel's more subtle ones. He and Louis work in tandem together, even though they had a rocky start (he thought Louis wanted some quarters). The code name Louis gave him is 'Vanilla Stick'. David is also a very accomplished dancer, and has taught Kai well, even though he hates the little bastard to death and purgatory. He was good friends with George when they were younger, and that is why he feels he must take over as surrogate father after George's demise. Also, he's pretty much my favorite character. Go David!

Louis, the Sexy Brutha.

Louis is a large, sexy black man who joins up with Red Shield, working alongside David and the others efficiently. He has the power to conceal candy bars and other things somewhere on his person (I won't go into detail), and has a soft spot for Lulu and large weapons, especially tanks. The code name he uses is 'Sexual Chocolate'. None of the women in the series can resist him. There are rumors he may have been a pimp in his younger days, and I believe it. He is also ex-CIA…or was it EAT? Can't really remember, and I don't want to ask him because then he'll use the sleeper hold on me…

Julia, the Seductive Scientist with the Amazing Rack.

Julia is one sexy doctor hungry for some man-meat. Too bad David's not on the menu! She doesn't let this stop her, though, and will go to any lengths to try and seduce him. It…doesn't really work that well. Her large breasts sometimes cause people to have uncontrollable outbursts, screaming things like "Indecent Exposure!" and "Nipples!" when seen. …Alright, maybe it just makes Saya do that, but I certainly would if I ever saw her! Wouldn't you? Her code name is El Caliente Seniorita.

Okamura, the Chain-Smoking Reporter.

Okamura is a skuzzy reporter whose hatred for his father is only surpassed by his hatred for his mother. The two argue constantly, making it impossible for him to remain at home, so he frequently travels the globe, trailing Saya and Red Shield. He recently developed a harmful tumor that goes by the name of Mao, and it won't leave him alone. The strange thing is that he might not want it to, and that's just…cute? I really don't know. Anyway Kai owes him a big thank you for freeing him from her clutches.

Joel, the Leg-Obsessed Richboy.

Poor, poor Joel. The only thing in the world that he truly loved were his legs, and he lost them. He was forced into taking over Red Shield instead of fulfilling his dream as one of those dancers that stand in a line and kick up their heels. Now his dream will never come true, as he's confined to a wheelchair after the attack by Diva. He still doesn't let this stop him, however. Just give him a ball of string and he'll show you what he's got! He's also quite a heavy drinker, but that's perfectly understandable. On an off note, he secretly harbors feelings for David, as seen in his journal aboard the Red Shield boat. Did I make every man in this fic vaguely homosexual or what?

Mao, the Crazy Girlfriend.

Mao is the crazy girlfriend all men have had and check under their beds for before going to sleep. She is obsessed with Kai (well, maybe just his soul) and will do anything to track him down, including kill people. No, wait, she did that already. Okay, forget that last part. She snares Okamura in her net and forces him to accompany her around the world, using her amazing tracking powers of smell to search for Kai and Saya so she can get all up in their business. As time passes, she slowly loses interest in Kai, who is horny for Saya, and begins to pay more attention to Okamura. Also, she has a baby. I wonder if Okamura knows?

Diva, the Sadistic, Psycho-Bitch.

Diva is Saya's evil, twisted twin sister. While Saya was loved and doted upon, Diva was locked in a tower, treated badly, and told she couldn't read good. This, understandably, made her psycho. She lives to put Saya through as much misery as possible, such as stealing her credit card and wracking up massive bills. The sick bitch! She has a strange attraction for Riku, Saya's girly little brother, and so man-rapes him, kills him, and gives birth to his children (hello, Jerry Springer!). Sadly, she dies in the end, due to a bogus plot twist in which her blood is no longer potent enough to kill Saya while she dies a horrible crystallized death. If only Doctor Phil had been given a chance with her…

Nathan, the Gay Chevalier.

Nathan is Diva's outrageously gay chevalier (that even _rhymes_). She probably recruited him to make sure she always had something nice to wear. That or she just wanted a gay best friend, I really don't know. Nathan, who never does much fighting, is more into fashion and constructing the hideous dress Diva wears at the anime's final confrontation. He has crushes on pretty much every male in the series, including James, Solomon, and Haji, but sadly, none of them reciprocate. He was supposed to have died when cut in HALF by Saya, but miraculously survived and went on to become a paparazzi. Maybe we'll see him soon on the next season of 'Project Runway' (that is, if they let him back on after killing some of the last season's cast).

James, the Rapper-Wannabe Chevalier.

James is the only brutha of Diva's chevalier, and feels he must live it up as much as possible. So, he does the next best thing – becomes a rapper. He uses the name "Lil' J" and busts out a few albums, becoming friends with Fifty Cent and Jay-Z along the way. Sadly, after the fight on Christina Island with Saya, he loses most of his body and must become half-white, using Corpse Corps limbs to fix himself up. From then on, he is treated differently in the music district, tossed out on his ass and his record label dropped. The poor gangstah, word. He frequently uses the Corpse Corps soldiers as his personal back-up dancers, and might I say, his rhymes…leave something to be desired. Like being deaf, for one. Remember the "Tap-_dance_, mother-*_bleep_*er" song?

Amshel, the Eye-Lashed Chevalier.

Amshel has some funny eyelashes. Seriously, you see those things? There's always three of them, perfectly aligned and straightened. I giggle at the thought. Amshel is the one chevalier of Diva that begins to approach 'normal'. He has the ability to change his form at will (but still cannot fulfill his dream of becoming a woman) and uses this to fool and confuse others. What an ass! Strangely enough, he frequently makes the mistake of standing too close to the fireplace, and so scorches his pubes off. Protective gear makes little difference.

Solomon, the Other Perverted Chevalier.

Solomon could seriously be Haji's long-lost twin brother, so great is his lust for Saya. It all started at the ball, when he danced with her and she smelled like bagels (I think that would make _any_ man fall in love). He has a habit of falling in love on the spot and immediately forgetting about it a moment later – and in the mistaking-of-Karl-as-a-girl case, getting bouts of therapy coupled with powerful drugs. At a point later in the series, he ditches Diva to side with Saya, whisking her away to his apartment in a lame attempt to get some. Sorry, Solomon, but not even the peaceful _powder_ pixies of Candy-Cane Mountain can help you with that. He also met an unlikely demise…or DID he? Doo-doo DOOOOO!

Karl, the Just Plain Nuts Chevalier.

Karl is just plain nuts. Period. He's been driven insane by the other chevaliers ignoring him, and so vents his frustrations by hitting on Saya. It doesn't help that people frequently take cracks at his fake arm, and also mistake him for Jackie Chan. Plus Solomon once thought he was a girl. It's no wonder the guy is mad. He has a creepy habit of molesting containers, and running around in a cape and mask, calling himself "Phantom". I call the cops. He died in battle against Saya, who apparently didn't think being killed along with him was terribly romantic.

Mr. Argeno, the Annoying Frenchman.

Mr. Argeno is the annoying Frenchman who meddles in everyone's business. He is quite strange and…let's just say 'different', and also mysteriously lost his accent from the first few episodes. He is a crack-baby and so takes small doses of the drug in those candies he always eats. He hates it when people mess with his appearance, especially his face, and so will never forgive David the insult of his doodles.

Dr. Collins, the Underweight Scientist.

Dr. Collins is an aging scientist who could almost be David's father. He skinny, decaying, and has blond hair. Sounds like family to me! He devours children's souls in order to nourish his body and continue to live on this earth. At first he directs his affections toward Julia, since, well, she's got huge jugs. But after she rejects him several times, he turns his sights on Mr. Argeno, with mixed results involving champagne and a hot-tub. When Julia seems to be moving in on his 'Vanny', he becomes a bit overprotective, and attempts to shoot her in the chest. Luckily David is there to save her, and Dr. Collins disappears into the night. So if you ever look up at a full moon at midnight and see a skeletal shadow pass over it, it's probably Dr. Collins, searching for Vanny. Beware!

George, the Man-Whore.

George is Kai, Riku, and Saya's adoptive father. He's also a man-whore. What? He's gotta bring home money somehow, why not use that sexy body he has? The only downfall he has is his nasty shirt, which he hasn't changed in many, many years. As a matter of fact, it is fused to his skin and now cannot be removed without a blowtorch and some peroxide. Sadly, George died from having sexual relations with a chiro- er, I mean, that Delta thing. Yeah. Experimented on and crap. …Moving on!

Corpse Corps, the Back-Up-Dancing Soldiers.

These emotionless soldiers are the finished product of the Schiff experiments, perfected in their studies. They are now…the world's most dangerous back-up dancers, and James uses their expertise to his favor. All have faces like Moses, which, you know, would make you want to hit them more, depending on how you view him, but seriously, though. They like playing games, as well, like jump-rope and hopscotch, and forming conga lines.

Moses, the One-Eyed Schiff.

Moses is the self-proclaimed leader of the Schiff. He is the one who rounded them up and got them to escape their prison at Kilbed, then began stalking Saya in an attempt to ward off the Thorn, a disease that kills them. Moses is a bit vain, smug over the fact that the Corpse Corps soldiers bear his resemblance. He uses a large scythe in battle, and was killed along with Karman when a hobo yanked off their hoods in daylight.

Irene, the Sweet, Pretty Schiff.

Irene is definitely the nicest Schiff of the bunch. She's sweet, caring, and pretty hot to boot. No wonder Kai wanted to get in her pants! Er…robes. Whatever. She was suffering from the Thorn when Kai befriended her, and despite Saya's attempts to aid her, died from ingesting her blood. Well, when you look at it…if she'd lived, she would almost have HAD to give Kai some. So I guess it's better this way.

Karman, the Bespectacled Schiff.

Karman is the pissy Schiff with a stick up his ass. Don't be fooled by his outer ploy, though, because he…really is an asshole. *_Shrugs_*. He uses a spear in battle, and frequently gets into spats with Moses, which Irene then breaks up. He and Moses were killed by a hobo who pulled their hoods back to the evening sun.

Lulu, the Effed-Up Eyes Schiff.

Lulu is a young, female Schiff with effed-up eyes. Seriously, they are effed the _eff_ up. She needs to go see an eye doctor because _they freak me out_. Lulu swings about a huge axe in battle, and is much stronger than she appears. She is the only Schiff to be living at the end of the series, and seems to have an attachment to Louis. He dubbed her Cream Puff, and the two are now partners.

Kaori, the Borderline-Lesbian Friend.

Kaori is Saya's best friend in Okinawa, and a complete psycho. She likes locking people up in her basement (like Riku, and recently her mother) and making eyes at Saya, who is quite oblivious to her affections. She seems to be following Riku's evil genius road, as she is trying to hack into the President's computer and I dare not think what else. Proceed with caution, by all means.

Other, Any Other Messed Up Characters.

Characters that fall under this category include Gray, the crack-making old man, Monique, the girl who is strangely attracted to Kai, Nahabi and Javier, the little piss-machines, Miss Lee, the hip-hopping teacher from the all-girls school, Min, the psycho-lesbian girl you'd get a restraining order against, Griffith, that one Schiff with sunglasses, Darth, the Batou-lookin' Schiff, Guy, the bowl-cut Schiff who died after one episode, the Important-Looking-Man, who likes tap-dancing chiro's, and Conda Liza, that lady who looks like Conda Liza Rice, among others. …Can anyone think of anyone else?

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Well, there you go. That should be just about everyone, right? I might have missed a few, can't really remember everyone. Come on, I wrote the early episodes months ago! Also, a big sorry for not putting Min in the favorite character Poll, I totally blanked and didn't remember her until it was too late. So sorry about that. Otherwise, thank you everyone for all of your reviews and support, here is the last and final chapter! Hope you enjoyed it!! Later!


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